NO remorse for [wife's past] cheating

[merrmeade]

You left out an important fact. The most important fact. That

his WW keep having sex with the OM after the proposal while

they were engaged.

 

Rog felt disgusted when he found out. Being that was still in the past

he stuffed it down.

 

Then he finds out after his child is born that he WW kept having sex

with the OM while they were engaged. Then instead of being kind when

telling Rog about the details she tells Rog how he never was as good

and never will be as good as the OM in bed.

 

She has given him duty sex for 46 years. And still tells him to stuff it.

At least he got the whole truth. Wish I could say that.

Also I found out much later after we were married that while we were engaged she would occasionally meet him at his apartment. She told me that there was something about him she couldn’t resist; that he was the most fantastic lover who had ever made love too her. It all ended when he was deployed over seas. All of this made me feel like crap and so why did she marry me? We now had two children when I found all this out and I still loved her (WHY). She has told me that after we were married I was the only man in her life and bed. Those images though, of her and her lover, naked together having sex in our bed play in my head all the time. It doesn’t help that I accidentally met this man at a company party either.

Damn. You're right, road. Totally missed that fact and it IS the most important. His whole description is one of PTSD in response to it.

 

I think your description of her reaction is right, too.

 

However, I still don't believe he should walk away. I think he should find a therapist that can make her see and hear his pain. But I also echo your last sentence. Don't know about the "duty sex" though. How do we know that?

 

It all sucks for anyone married to someone for whom sex is just a freaking handshake. That was the biggest thing for me. When I first found out, I also could stay in bed with him for a while. He'd make a move I hadn't experienced before and I'd leap out of bed, once screaming I couldn't stay in the bed with all those other women.

 

It's just too sad. I'm so sorry.

[merrmeade]

That was unclear. Meant to say:

It all sucks for anyone married to someone for whom sex is just a freaking handshake [MEANING: physical only]. That was the biggest thing for me. When I first found out, I also could

NOT

stay in bed with him for a while. He'd make a move I hadn't experienced before [something he had not done with me before] and I'd leap out of bed, once screaming I couldn't stay in the bed with all those other women.

[Actually what I said was that it felt like they were in the bed with us. ]

 

This was related to OP's problem with the mind movies during sex.

[merrmeade]

Yikes, that was a disturbing image to stand at the current end of this thread, so I wanted to say something hopeful.

 

What dissolved the triggers (mostly) for me was seeing and believing my husband's regret and unflagging efforts to make it up to me. He's not perfect and there's a LOT he doesn't get, but his apologies and determination to make it right go a long way to putting his past behind us. I don't acknowledge that part of our marriage and have told him I won't celebrate milestone anniversaries.

 

At 46 years, I would imagine OP has thought of that milestone anniversary coming up. But that's 4 years to do something about it!!

 

OP says the wife doesn't say she's sorry and that's essential for his healing. She needs to be made to understand and feel the trauma she caused OP and then say she's sorry with a genuine depth of feeling. Don't you think with the right psychologist helping him convey to her what she did and why it's stayed with him so long, that she can realize and express her regret for the damage she did?

 

Counseling for the trauma and for the wife to own and beg his forgiveness for the wounds she inflicted is essential to begin the healing.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Merrmeade, with reference to your last post I have to say that his wife is never going to acknowledge that she did any wrong and that what she did caused the OP any hurt. The reason is that she does not love him and never has. She is apparently a sadistic woman who took pleasure in rubbing it in his face that sex with the OM was an other worldly experience and something that OP could never match or replicate. She treated him like the ultimate c....ld and the idea was to humiliate him. Why else would she yell him something like that when he had no way of knowing what she had done? The OP in one of his preceding posts has given a hint about his c....ld tendencies and maybe she sensed that intuitively and played into his fetish. I know this is conjecture but after reading through his posts and the underlying desire to suffer through pain and humiliation, this is the only conclusion I can draw. The OP's case is not quite as simple and straightforward as one would like it to be.

 

As far as your own case is concerned, I am really sorry to know that you have had to live through a traumatic relationship like the one you have described. I have to say that I have started looking at things from a metaphysical viewpoint in the last so many years. This leads me to believe that firstly, this is not the only life we live on this earth but one of many. Secondly, as souls we are interlinked with other souls through many lifetimes and often, what we suffer in this particular lifetime has a link to what we did in some previous lifetime. In effect what your husband has done to you in this lifetime may ne the repercussion of what you did to him in a previous one. I don't expect you to believe or accept what I am talking about here but if you have any interest at all in exploring this idea at all, even in an idle manner, then I would refer you to the work of Dr. Brian Weiss who has pioneered work on past life regression to be able to help people heal from ailments and psychological problems which remained unresolved with standard medical and psychiatric interventions. Dr. Weiss is a clinical psychiatrist who accidentally stumbled on regression therapy during the course of his practice over 25 years ago. His famous classic " Many live Many masters" might interest you. The reason I am suggesting this to you is because in reading through your posts on many threads it comes across clearly that you are carrying a lot of pain within you and Dr. Weiss's work may be of great benefit to you and others who have been suppressing their pain and putting up a facade of cheerfulness to mask the torment that lies beneath the surface. You don't have to believe a word of what I say but as a favour to yourself just Google Dr. Brian Weiss. Warm wishes.

[Mickle]

I'm a 72 year old male; maybe to old or to late to be posting my feelings here or any where.

 

I have been married to the same women since 1970; a long time. I have loved and hated her all at the same time. Since the wedding we have only been with each other sexually and no one else for the last 46 years.

 

Before we met my wife had slept with many guys; one night stands, multiple partners at one time, and some long term relationships starting from high school to the time we met which was in our early twenties. After we hooked up we had that talk about past lovers. She said she couldn't give me a number, there were just too many. I on the other hand only had 4 long term relationships.

 

While we were dating I believed her past wouldn't matter to me; but it did. At times my jalousie would create arguments and a couple of times we almost broke up. The first date I had with her we slept together and I knew she had slept with many others on the first date as well. She had told me not to bother with condoms, she preferred sex without them; said she was on the pill. We dated for almost 2 years and as I grew to love her, her sexual past wasn't important to me any longer.

 

However tensions were building because she kept bringing up marriage and I kept avoiding the conversations as much as possible.

In February of 1970 I had to go to another city for business and she told me that when I got back we needed to talk about breaking up. I was devastated; I loved her and didn't want to loose her. I believed she was pushing me into a decision I had to make. I decided that when I got back I would propose to her on Valentines Day.

 

While out of town I would call her almost daily. The call I made to her on Thursday was emotionally devastating. She told me some guy she just met at the gas station asked her out for Friday night, the next day and she said yes. This was 2 days before Valentines Day. I told her I didn't want her seeing any one else, we argued, she said she was and she hung up. I wanted to rush back to her but I couldn't leave for 2 more days. That Sunday Valentines day I called her and told her I wanted to ask her something important. She said we'd talk when I got back. I got back to her around 4:30 Sunday. I proposed, and she said yes. We were married a few months later and we had our first child 9 months later.

 

It was a short time after our son's birth that my world disintegrated. For what ever reason my wife said she needed to tell me something; it might have been post partum depression, I don't know.

 

She told me that she had the date with the guy from the gas station and had sex with him that night. They spent the week end together and had sex the entire weekend. That Valentines Sunday I called her she was in bed with that guy.

 

You Married 1970 since then as you have clearly stated that for the last 48 years she was completely faithful to you and bore you children !!

 

So for 48 tears you have carried around a hatred of her, for something that happened before you married.

 

Many women especially if they were at university have slept around/ had one night stands etc, she told you about her Valentines day date and was honest, you are obviously not the type of guy to deal with it, so for the next 48 years you have punished her and certainly have not acted like a loving, caring husband, more like a John who has paid for sex.

 

You should be ashamed of yourself and be on your knees apologizing to your wife.

:mad:

[road]

You Married 1970 since then as you have clearly stated that for the last 48 years she was completely faithful to you and bore you children !!

 

So for 48 tears you have carried around a hatred of her, for something that happened before you married.

 

Many women especially if they were at university have slept around/ had one night stands etc, she told you about her Valentines day date and was honest, you are obviously not the type of guy to deal with it, so for the next 48 years you have punished her and certainly have not acted like a loving, caring husband, more like a John who has paid for sex.

 

You should be ashamed of yourself and be on your knees apologizing to your wife.

:mad:

 

How did you not see that his WW did not confess to after they were

married and had their first child. Makes it hard to break up a family

now there is a child involved. Also a WW confessing is not doing the

work needed to recover the marriage. More is required than being

faithful and duty sex.

 

Easy to criticize a BH for not pushing a WW to do more then what his

WW did after D day when she tells him shut up or I will leave you.

Does he call her bluff.

 

Easy to say call her bluff when you are not the one who will lose.

Easy to forget that the BH did not have an affair, does not want his

marriage to end. Though he longs for the truth and for his WW to

help him heal.

 

He forgave what he knew that happened on Valentines day weekend

before he married her. She keep the fact that she continued to cheat

with the OM while engaged to her BH.

 

Two separate issues.

[rog]

SCfenway stated in his post, “I can't imagine that she was actually faithful throughout the marriage.” He called it right!

 

With the numerous urgings to paternity test, I did, and to my horror my four children are not mine genetically.

 

In order to test, I lied to my children and told them we were doing further tests for ancestry information, we did the ancestry evaluation a while back. I haven’t told my children the results, but I did tell my wife and told her she would be responsible for handling this information. This conversation between us was not easy for me, and was very argumentative. She said she wouldn't do it and it should be kept from them. She said she had no idea they weren't mine. I told her I didn't believe her BS and she had to tell them. After she read the report she divulged a lot of information I was oblivious too, and literally ‘connected the dots’ for me and maybe for her. I don’t know.

 

I thought I’d be OK with what ever the results of the paternity testing revealed. These are my children; I love them no matter what! But, I have this seething anger now when I am around them. I can’t help it, I look at them differently. This anger seething in me towards my so called wife goes beyond words. The results showed there were 2 different men who fathered my children. My first child (son) and fourth child (son) were fathered by the same man. My wife says she met him a year or two before I connected up with her. She says she and two girlfriends had gone to the Caribbean for a two week vacation at a 5 star hotel. She says they met in the lounge her first night and she spent the rest of her vacation shacking up with him. After she returned home she thought she might be pregnant with his child and contacted him. According to my wife he said he would do what ever she requested of him. She said she eventually had a miscarriage, and their relationship continued when ever his business brought him north. She said their physical relationship has lasted all these years. They would connect each time he was in her location which was 6 to 10 times a year. Recently, with the massive damage caused by a hurricane, he relocated his business to our geographical area. My wife just told me they have now been seeing each other almost weekly according to her.

 

After she tells our sons the truth, she is planning on introducing him to them. That should go well? My daughters were fathered by a different man. My wife was sleeping with him on and off for a few years but says she hasn‘t been in contact with him since our last daughter was born. She thinks he went back to his wife.

 

At this point in my life I’m not sure what to do. She keeps saying she likes our relationship just the way it is. Of course she does.

I realize I have been played all these years by a conniving woman who has everything she wants and is holding all the cards. I originally posted my comments under INFIDELITY, but they were moved; maybe I had a feeling about her? At this moment I don’t know what to do. Life seems hopeless and I have been a fool! As I write this information I am literally shacking. I thought of seeing my psychologist, but what is he going to tell me I don’t already know. I’m not suicidal, far from it, I’m mad and angry! What is going to happen when she tells our children? I don’t know, but I will be ready to help them in every way possible. What do I do if she doesn’t tell them?

 

I have reread all the posts and Just A Guy made appoint when he said, “You will only get the answers from within you. The fact is that whatever turmoil is tearing you apart has it's genesis in the choices you made so many years ago. Those choices, once made are one way streets. You can only proceed in one direction. The only change that can come about is one that you engineer. Your wife has proved steadfastly that she is not one whit remorseful. Obviously she does not regret what she did and her so called honesty in telling you in graphic detail what she did with her OM was to rid herself of residual guilt feelings that she may have had. In doing so she had no concern for the emotional hit which she knew you would take. That is because at heart she does not love and respect you. She was not the kind of woman any of her other beaus would have chosen to marry. For them she was a good time girl to have fun with and discard.”

 

“The only change that can come about is one that you engineer.” He is right; the choice I made years ago has led me here. I now have to figure out my next step with eyes wide open. I realize my wife never loved me, if she did I wouldn't have 4 children fathered by other men.

[S2B]

So after learning about a marriage that never was what you thought it was(even from the moment you married) - and your cheating wife never was honest and cheated throughout the whole marriage... how can your first thought not be "I've got to divorce her immediately?"

 

She ruined it all with her dishonesty and disrespect! There never was a marriage because she ruined it. She never kept her vows. She didn't even intend to. And now you know why she never wanted to love you or admit to any wrong doing.

 

She's a farce. She's a tramp.

 

Do yourself a favor and remove her from your life. Keep the kids involved in your life but request they never talk of her again.

 

I don't care what the age is - you deserve better and you deserve the chance for a happy (happier) life. Get busy moving toward that goal.

[rog]

I have contacted my attorney and am in the process of stating divorce proceedings. He has indicated I need to do specific things to prevent my wife from making the divorce a war between us. I also want to protect our adult children and grandchildren.

[S2B]

No one deserves to be cheated on' date=' especially when your fully loyalty lies with the betrayer of your trust. initially, I thought I was just feeling insecure when my husband would just be on his phone at odd hours, until I decided to take my chances to know, knowing is much better than self doubts and its exactly what happened when I requested for the service of one of the best hacker ;(​h​[email protected]) to help me check her phone. Now i know when he tells the truth because I receive all his calls, outgoing and incoming, see his whatsapp messages, facebooks, emails. I think its the best way to justify his loyalty and I found out that instead of guessing, right now I have access to his phone remotely anything that goes in and out of his phone is exactly what goes in and out of my phone. I see everything,i hear everything[/quote']

 

Have you ever heard of a burner phone?

 

You can't be sure he's not cheating/lying. There are many ways to get around someone checking up on your every move.

[road]

I have contacted my attorney and am in the process of stating divorce proceedings. He has indicated I need to do specific things to prevent my wife from making the divorce a war between us. I also want to protect our adult children and grandchildren.

 

Glad you got the truth. Sad that at 74, where can a man go and

get to have the children of his own that he never got to have.

 

Tell your WW this. How does she make up for the paternity fraud?

 

Seek your lawyers advice to press for financial damages due to

the paternity fraud that your WW and OM committed against you.

 

I'd be so mad that even if I could not win in court I still would

subpoena all the guilty parties and make them give sworn testimony.

 

Rog, thanks for the update.

[S2B]

Have those two men reimburse you for expenses of raising their kids - your wife owes you half of that amount too! State that in the divorce papers!

[rog]

I asked my attorney about that. He said that no matter who put the sperm in my wife and no matter how many times she let it be done, I'm the father of my children legally. I signed the birth papers and accepted them as my children. He explained it this way, my wife could have gone to a fertility facility and been fertilized with an unknown persons sperm to get pregnant. Once I sign birth papers, they are mine. I can go after her and them for other legal reasons.

[BarbedFenceRider]

You Married 1970 since then as you have clearly stated that for the last 48 years she was completely faithful to you and bore you children !!

 

So for 48 tears you have carried around a hatred of her, for something that happened before you married.

 

Many women especially if they were at university have slept around/ had one night stands etc, she told you about her Valentines day date and was honest, you are obviously not the type of guy to deal with it, so for the next 48 years you have punished her and certainly have not acted like a loving, caring husband, more like a John who has paid for sex.

 

You should be ashamed of yourself and be on your knees apologizing to your wife.

:mad:

 

------Sooo, Do we want to walk this post back any...Just sayin'. The OP has been officially c-worded... Niice.

And on top of that, the WW now admits to affairs all the way through the relationship. WOW. Yup, no feeling of empathy.

 

1 thing to do here....Divorce and get all wills and funding out of her hands! God only knows what you have been paying for after all these years. And ofcourse she wants to keep the relationship the same. Hilarious. She stole years and children from you. But you can still take your dignity and respect with you where ever you go from now on. She will be the antiquated someone else's sex object.

 

Just mind boggling!

[road]

I asked my attorney about that. He said that no matter who put the sperm in my wife and no matter how many times she let it be done, I'm the father of my children legally. I signed the birth papers and accepted them as my children. He explained it this way, my wife could have gone to a fertility facility and been fertilized with an unknown persons sperm to get pregnant. Once I sign birth papers, they are mine. I can go after her and them for other legal reasons.

 

What are the other legal reasons?

 

Being your kids are adults, you being their legal dad makes

for some ugly inheritance issues.

 

I would seek to have yourself declared to not be their dad, telling

the judge that they are adults and no longer need you to parent

them, because of the paternity fraud committed against you.

[road]

------Sooo, Do we want to walk this post back any...Just sayin'. The OP has been officially c-worded... Niice.

And on top of that, the WW now admits to affairs all the way through the relationship. WOW. Yup, no feeling of empathy.

 

1 thing to do here....Divorce and get all wills and funding out of her hands! God only knows what you have been paying for after all these years. And ofcourse she wants to keep the relationship the same. Hilarious. She stole years and children from you. But you can still take your dignity and respect with you where ever you go from now on. She will be the antiquated someone else's sex object.

 

Just mind boggling!

 

Time to file for a divorce.

 

Have you yet to ask your WW how she is ok that she denied

you the opportunity to father your own children?

 

Ask how can she make you being a dad happen now with you

at 74?

[BarbedFenceRider]

Fraud is fraud. You signed the papers under the guise of YOU being the dad... Now times that by 4. That is a case a worthy lawyer would take in any of the 50 states... Just sayin.

[Cullenbohannon]

Men need a #metoo movement. Divorce, Ali-money and Paternity rules should be updated to the 21st century.

 

If the bio dad or the mother knew of the paternity and willfully chose to commit fraud, the Man should be compensated. Compensation is a financial issue and has nothing to do with fatherhood.

 

If a man can be held in prison for failure to pay child support, why shouldn't the real father be held to the same standard, especially if he or the mother knew or should have known.

 

Laws can be changed.

 

#tomanymistakes.

Edited March 6, 2018 by Cullenbohannon

[S2B]

Fraud is fraud. You signed the papers under the guise of YOU being the dad... Now times that by 4. That is a case a worthy lawyer would take in any of the 50 states... Just sayin.

 

I agree! Sue her for fraud as well! Make her pay you for a lifetime of deceit!

 

And you will always be their father... but compensation for the deceit should be an absolute!

[BarbedFenceRider]

( She said she wouldn't do it and it should be kept from them. She said she had no idea they weren't mine. )

 

 

She stated before on earlier pages, that she was true and loyal the WHOLE MARRIAGE. It was only before army boy got deployed overseas....

 

Welp, yet another lie. She is pathological and broken. I would be interested to see what HER life insurance policy is written too. The other man? Wouldn't be surprised this late in the game.

 

Do not take this golden girl to the 50 yard marker! You got what you got. But now it's her turn. Send her to the poor house. Maybe OM can take her back.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Rog,, I am indeed sorry for the position you have been placed in after this latest bit of sordid information has been revealed. Maybe it would have been better to let sleeping dogs lie and not carried out those paternity tests. Your so called wife has completely emasculated you your whole married life. I am also sorry that some of what I had written about your marriage has come so horribly true. As others have advised, it is still not too late for you to wrest your dignity from your treacherous wife and divorce her so that she gets knocked off the comfortable perch she has occupied for all these years and faces the reality of growing old on her own. If you are 74 years old she must be hitting 70 at least. Not much chance of her finding a knight in shining armour to save her now. She will also have to face the humiliation of her children treating her with scant respect for the way she brought them into this world and the horrible way she has treated you, their 'Father' all these years. Wish you the very best going forward.

[Mr. Lucky]

I would seek to have yourself declared to not be their dad, telling the judge that they are adults and no longer need you to parent

them, because of the paternity fraud committed against you.

 

Regardless of his wife's unconscionable deceit and fraud, they're still the OP's kids (and grandkids) in the truest sense of the word. He should think carefully before proceeding with any action that affects them as they're victims to the same extent he is...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BluesPower]

Regardless of his wife's unconscionable deceit and fraud, they're still the OP's kids (and grandkids) in the truest sense of the word. He should think carefully before proceeding with any action that affects them as they're victims to the same extent he is...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

As much respect as I have... for you and your writing,

 

Are you really serious. This man has been betrayed his entire adult life by this woman. He deserves for his children to know what kind of mother they have.

 

I know what some of this feels like, not the raising someone else's children, but being lied to for years and thinking you are doing the right thing, yeah, I lived that.

 

There is no way for this man at 74 to reclaim his life after what she has done to him, at the very least his kids should know what their mother is...

[Mr. Lucky]

As much respect as I have... for you and your writing,

 

Are you really serious. This man has been betrayed his entire adult life by this woman. He deserves for his children to know what kind of mother they have.

 

I know what some of this feels like, not the raising someone else's children, but being lied to for years and thinking you are doing the right thing, yeah, I lived that.

 

There is no way for this man at 74 to reclaim his life after what she has done to him, at the very least his kids should know what their mother is...

 

Thanks for your kind words though in this instance my writing was obviously not very clear. I was reacting to this:

 

I would seek to have yourself declared to not be their dad

 

Of course the kids need to know what's happened, if for no other reason than the medical history and effect. This level of extended deception over decades is almost hard to fathom...

 

Mr. Lucky

[road]

Regardless of his wife's unconscionable deceit and fraud, they're still the OP's kids (and grandkids) in the truest sense of the word. He should think carefully before proceeding with any action that affects them as they're victims to the same extent he is...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

As much respect as I have... for you and your writing,

 

Are you really serious. This man has been betrayed his entire adult life by this woman. He deserves for his children to know what kind of mother they have.

 

I know what some of this feels like, not the raising someone else's children, but being lied to for years and thinking you are doing the right thing, yeah, I lived that.

 

There is no way for this man at 74 to reclaim his life after what she has done to him, at the very least his kids should know what their mother is...

 

To be legally declared not the dad is not the same as having

to abandon the kids and grandkids. His estate planning should

have no legal mandate. As well as his kids must learn the truth

about ho'ma.