Woggle Posted October 18, 2017 Share Posted October 18, 2017 I'm glad you tried, Woggle. That was brave of you and had you not done it you would probably have always wished you had. I admire that you don't let it rule your life! And just want to mention that I'm glad you're a part of LS!!! (for what it's worth! ) Her abuse combined with an abusive first marriage made me a serious misogynist for a while but I decided it wasn't good to live with that hate. It hurts you more than it hurts anybody else. The best way to deal with an abusive woman is to live a good life. Nothing they hate more than seeing you smile. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
grays Posted October 18, 2017 Share Posted October 18, 2017 I didn't post metoo because it happened far too many times to even write about a single incident. I dont think anyone needs to post the metoo post. But I think this is true of many of us. Most of my friends only cut and pasted the me too post, no story. I wouldnt want to tell all my fb friends about an incident. But I did feel fine about the cut and paste. Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted October 18, 2017 Share Posted October 18, 2017 Her abuse combined with an abusive first marriage made me a serious misogynist for a while but I decided it wasn't good to live with that hate. It hurts you more than it hurts anybody else. The best way to deal with an abusive woman is to live a good life. Nothing they hate more than seeing you smile. What a wise and strong person you are! Thank you for sharing briefly your story and your thoughts and attitudes about it! Your strength and positive outlook are inspiring! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted October 18, 2017 Share Posted October 18, 2017 For the most part, I would say that any guy who has been raped, has been raped by another guy. Unless you want to count statutory rape, in which case quite a few teenage kids are being raped by women, but those teenage boys don't seem to mind. I would be careful here. I mean I know what your saying but - there are examples of young teenage girls who "didn't seem to mind" . A minor's brain is not fully developed and can't give consent to a adult - and as you mention its often a women in a position or power or authority like a teacher. Its often about abusing power. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted October 18, 2017 Share Posted October 18, 2017 I may take some heat for this....but I find some of the discussions I am seeing of "me too" on social media are excluding the possibility men all together. It makes it just that much harder for men to come forward and share. Also when its a male on male rape or abuse - due to the lingering issues/hate we have with "homosexuality" - it doubles the hesitations of men to admit "me too". 3 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 18, 2017 Share Posted October 18, 2017 In fact, that is the biggest difference between men and women when it comes to this sort of thing. Often, when this stuff does happen to men, we just don't care. I have had women grope me, sexually assault me, sexually harass me at work, and try to rape me by the legal definition, and I just don't care. Most guys don't even think about this sort of thing. We just let it go. I guess that is because it is all under your control. YOU hold the power and you know you could stop it all in an instant if you felt you had too. YOU know you can control how "bad" it gets, but if your "abuser" was some person you had absolutely no control over then it would start getting serious for you. Some women can also sail through unaffected by unwanted "male attention" but they also feel "in control". Once a person feels they have no control over what a person does to them against their will, it is then that they start getting damaged by it. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 18, 2017 Share Posted October 18, 2017 I may take some heat for this....but I find some of the discussions I am seeing of "me too" on social media are excluding the possibility men all together. It makes it just that much harder for men to come forward and share. Also when its a male on male rape or abuse - due to the lingering issues/hate we have with "homosexuality" - it doubles the hesitations of men to admit "me too". BUT too often it seems to me that the problems in general women have in society or with men in particular are deliberately sabotaged by the "what about the men" argument. It derails the discussion and weakens the female voice. It is a ploy to shut women up. Harvey Weinstein and his like, were not abusing men, they are/were abusing women yet we now have to put up with "Oh the poor abused men"... There is definitely a space needed for the poor abused men but not at the expense of the poor abused women who were at the centre of the initial discussion here. It is a misdirection born out of the need to take the heat off men in power who abuse their positions by sexually assaulting women... 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Shining One Posted October 18, 2017 Share Posted October 18, 2017 BUT too often it seems to me that the problems in general women have in society or with men in particular are deliberately sabotaged by the "what about the men" argument. It derails the discussion and weakens the female voice. It is a ploy to shut women up. Harvey Weinstein and his like, were not abusing men, they are/were abusing women yet we now have to put up with "Oh the poor abused men"... There is definitely a space needed for the poor abused men but not at the expense of the poor abused women who were at the centre of the initial discussion here. It is a misdirection born out of the need to take the heat off men in power who abuse their positions by sexually assaulting women...I don't see why there has to be a separation by gender on this topic. Victims are victims. Perpetrators are perpetrators. Crimes are crimes. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted October 18, 2017 Share Posted October 18, 2017 BUT too often it seems to me that the problems in general women have in society or with men in particular are deliberately sabotaged by the "what about the men" argument. It derails the discussion and weakens the female voice. It is a ploy to shut women up. Harvey Weinstein and his like, were not abusing men, they are/were abusing women yet we now have to put up with "Oh the poor abused men"... There is definitely a space needed for the poor abused men but not at the expense of the poor abused women who were at the centre of the initial discussion here. It is a misdirection born out of the need to take the heat off men in power who abuse their positions by sexually assaulting women... Rape and molestation is rape and molestation. It is often about an abuse of power and it knows no gender boundaries. I never said it has to be at the expense of women's stories, just that men should not be excluded for forced into "separate small groups" discussions for their being sexually abused. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted October 18, 2017 Share Posted October 18, 2017 I guess that is because it is all under your control. YOU hold the power and you know you could stop it all in an instant if you felt you had too. YOU know you can control how "bad" it gets, but if your "abuser" was some person you had absolutely no control over then it would start getting serious for you. Some women can also sail through unaffected by unwanted "male attention" but they also feel "in control". Once a person feels they have no control over what a person does to them against their will, it is then that they start getting damaged by it. Well....I do agree with this, but if I walked behind a strange woman and grabbed her behind, it would be criminal.....and I would deserve any and all punishment....I have had body parts grabbed from behind...I'm supposed to laugh it off and think its cute or flirty....Certainly id be the laughing stock of the PD if I walked in there complaining that a woman half my size grabbed my ass..In both cases it was done without permission or "control" of the event.. So I do essentially agree with you...Physical intimidation is the key here...Guys don't feel it(I would think most anyway...I guess some guys do?...I dunno), women do...And there is nothing wrong with pointing that out... Not everything has to be equal... TFY 3 Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted October 18, 2017 Share Posted October 18, 2017 Of people I know personally, I know several men who were molested as children. In one case I know it was by a man, in other cases I don't know who by because it was none of my business to pry into. I also know a number of men who've been groped by strangers in public. The perpetrators seem to be a mix of men and women (being a drunk jerk is not gender-specific). Their reactions are kind of similar to a lot of women's reactions to a random groping - startled, confused, embarrassed, "is this really happening? wtf?!?" and generally freezing up for a minute. And since this kind of random grope tends to happen quickly and then go on its way, usually by the time their brain catches up to "What the hell?!?" the groper has left, and they decide not to make a fuss about it. Only in one case that I know of did the guy who was grabbed actually shout for help (and the groper was thrown out of the party and told never to show his face again). As for actual rape by women, nobody that I know personally, no. I've seen stories here and there, and a lot of frustration on the part of men who can't get anyone to believe them or take them seriously. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Birdies Posted October 18, 2017 Share Posted October 18, 2017 I don't see why there has to be a separation by gender on this topic. Victims are victims. Perpetrators are perpetrators. Crimes are crimes. Do you also believe that "all lives matter" ? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CptInsano Posted October 18, 2017 Share Posted October 18, 2017 I also know a number of men who've been groped by strangers in public. The perpetrators seem to be a mix of men and women (being a drunk jerk is not gender-specific). Their reactions are kind of similar to a lot of women's reactions to a random groping - startled, confused, embarrassed, "is this really happening? wtf?!?" and generally freezing up for a minute. And since this kind of random grope tends to happen quickly and then go on its way, usually by the time their brain catches up to "What the hell?!?" the groper has left, and they decide not to make a fuss about it. Only in one case that I know of did the guy who was grabbed actually shout for help (and the groper was thrown out of the party and told never to show his face again). I agree with the sentiment, but in my case the majority of the gropers were people I knew, not complete strangers. I mean, I once had a presentation to a customer where the (female) customer didn't let go of my leg for the whole presentation. Trade shows were another story. People absuing a business relationship to get away with it are rather common, IMHO. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Birdies Posted October 18, 2017 Share Posted October 18, 2017 If you say so. Personally, I would hesitate to say that women have no control over what happens to them. I think it is insulting to women to think they are that incapable. Again, to me, it's just not a big deal. That kind of stuff has happened my entire life. Most guys I know either don't care or they laugh about it. a) You seem to be purposely misconstruing the statement. The average woman is smaller and less powerful than the average man. Right? Right. b) It's cool that you and your friends don't care about being sexually harassed or assaulted. Whatever floats your boat. Most women don't think it's funny when this **** happens to EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US and undermines our ability to act as fully functional human beings in the greater world, because we're constantly afraid of being harassed or assaulted. Are you seriously making the argument that women should just chill out because being sexually harassed or assaulted isn't a big deal? GTFO with that. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Birdies Posted October 18, 2017 Share Posted October 18, 2017 Nope. Just saying how men deal with it, since this thread was supposed to be about men getting raped. you're right, overreaction on my part. I guess I'm just disappointed that we have a Pussy Grabber in Chief, and powerful and not-so-powerful men all over the globe abuse women every single day, and finally the #metoo movement highlights that fact that EVERY single one of us gets assaulted or harassed (and we don't find it funny - we find it a further debasement of our basic humanity), and somehow even the #metoo thing gets derailed towards talking about the poor men and their experiences. But that's not on you. My bad. However, I would just say that sure, being a black belt or Rhonda Rusey or pepper spray is probably a great defense against anything. But when the world is almost entirely run by the opposite gender, which also happens to be statistically stronger and more powerful than you, and who slut-shame you when you try to speak up when abuse happens, it's hard not to feel powerless at times. I suggest that when women tell you this, you consider believing them, rather than find ways to explain that they are wrong or taking the easy way out. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted October 18, 2017 Share Posted October 18, 2017 Okay I am reeeeally hesitating posting this.... But here it goes. At least be old school definitions of rape meant intercourse - penetration. So, yes I wondered how would a woman rape a man? I am not a guy, so please pardon my ignorance, but can a man get erect against his will? Could he be forced to be erect and then forced into intercourse? Now, I know the definition of rape has been broaden immensely to include non consent, sexual touch etc. But I guess if we are talking old school definition, copulation by force - I have wondered logistically how that would work. My #metoo incident? Drunk, half passed out at my friend's house (thought it was a safe space) in college when a friend of a friend came over... And tried to force himself on me. I had to fight him off, as in fight to keep my legs closed, fight to keep him from penetrating me. Finally came up with a way to hurt him (crush those balls with all your might ladies), and that stopped the attack. I have a hard time imaging how a woman would attack a man in the same manner. Now molestation, unwanted touch, even non consent, I can understand. But it's not like male joggers are getting attacked by women who then force copulation on them (maybe that does happen but doesn't get reported, or headlines? I don't know) Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted October 18, 2017 Share Posted October 18, 2017 I honestly don't think anyone gives a crap when bad things happen to men, so we don't bother speaking up. Men don't get hashtags and support groups. Thanks for the response! As for this part.... Keep in mind, it was first women who made support groups for women. Women who were willing to be vulnerable and share their traumas, and support each other. If men aren't doing the same, that's because men aren't doing the same. It's not because "people don't care about men". Men aren't saying "I need help!" I think in our society men have a hard time being vulnerable, and opening up, and taking those hard steps towards healing. Especially when it comes to molestation, I think way too many men hold that in and make it a private struggle. Hopefully things will change and men can find the same support from other men who share similar experiences as various women's group have. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted October 18, 2017 Share Posted October 18, 2017 I held it in until I divorced my first wife and then all those repressed emotions just came rushing back. I just didn't give an f anymore. Another thing that nobody cares about is men in abusive relationships. My ex had everybody convinced she was the victim which is why I was almost glad when she shot at me. It showed her true colors. Thank god we didn't have social media so much back then because she would smeared me. That being said I would never hijack me too. Thatvis for women and I will respect that. This thread is about abused men so I will talk about that. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 18, 2017 Share Posted October 18, 2017 Men don't get hashtags and support groups. Men don't get hashtags if they don't start them and it is not true there are no support groups for men. There certainly are groups for men in the UK anyway. https://rapecrisis.org.uk/supportformenboys.php https://www.survivorsuk.org/ plus many others. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted October 18, 2017 Share Posted October 18, 2017 The place I went to for rape counseling offered free counseling to men and it was a woman's shelter. Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted October 18, 2017 Share Posted October 18, 2017 Women often feel too ashamed for speaking out about it. I can imagine men do just just as much if not more because they are conditioned to be not as emotional and sex obsessed. They probably feel they will be mocked or dismissed for what was an incredibly traumatic experience for them. Just awful. Survivors of sexual abuse are the last who should feel ashamed. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted October 18, 2017 Share Posted October 18, 2017 I used to be afraid because I was told so m many times that I deserved what happened to me because it is time for men to be on the receiving end.My mom abused me because she wanted to get back at men. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted October 18, 2017 Share Posted October 18, 2017 I'm glad she's dead. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted October 18, 2017 Share Posted October 18, 2017 I'm glad she's dead. Don't say that. I understand where you come from but I don't like to think that like that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted October 18, 2017 Share Posted October 18, 2017 Don't say that. I understand where you come from but I don't like to think that like that. My child molester killed himself and I was glad when he died too. I understand she's your mom and all but the world is better off without people like them in it. You were the best thing she ever did and she hurt you bad. She's the one person in the world who is suppose to love and care for you and she hurt you when you were young and defenseless. I wish anyone who hurts kids would die. It's not personal against your mom. I'm sorry if you took it that way. I'd be lying to say my head isn't still a little messed up even all these years later. Link to post Share on other sites
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