Boyfriend has nudes of his ex....

[Cobra_X]

they are different - shirts are not the same as sexy photos of exes, they are different

deleting the photos will resolve this one way or another, we can find out if the photos matter - or not - to the guy

no need for the OP to struggle or suffer any longer

 

If you deleted my personal information from my cell phone or computer... I would call the police and have you arrested. It is not legal to break into someone's phone and snoop. It is also not legal to destroy files or documents while in the process of breaking into someones phone! 5 years in prison!

 

What you are doing is the equivalent of breaking into your boyfriends house and burning his personal property in the sink. That's how the law looks at this crime!

[Tiga]

How old is this guy and how long was his relationship? The reason I ask is because sometimes people jump into relationships too quickly and they don't really get over their ex, they just put a band aid over their feelings.

[TMACalling]

I hae been helping a friend through a situation that is vastly different from yours except in one place - her ex boyfriend is in love with someone else. it's not an ex - it's a good friend who he has been in love with for a few years and never had the courage to do or say anything. He wasted a year of my friend's life. He would be fine, get close, be attentive and then back away and hold her at arm's length. Now that she is out of the relationship and can see things more clearly, she has realized that there were 3 people in the relationship.

 

I wont't lie to you. it is hard. I have been taking phone calls from her late at night, first thing in the am. She is completely heartbroken. But now she can begin to heal.

[Shining One]

why don't you just quietly delete them - and - then see what happens?

 

I would do that for fun, but then I know my partner can take a joke as long as I make it, you are a bit downtrodden though, look, just delete them, he might have forgotten about them anyway

You would be okay with a significant other deleting your electronic data?

[heavenonearth]

why don't you just quietly delete them - and - then see what happens?

 

I would do that for fun, but then I know my partner can take a joke as long as I make it, you are a bit downtrodden though, look, just delete them, he might have forgotten about them anyway

 

I once had a boyfriend who had nudes and porn of/with his ex on his laptop! Back then I just went on and deleted them. He never confronted me about it, not sure if it was because he was embarrassed that I found them and didn't want a fight, or maybe it was because he never looks at them, and they were just remnants from his past?

 

Anyway, snooping is bad.

Next time, if you snoop anyway, confront your guy.

Communication matters. Always.

[kittencupcake]

I accidentally came upon nudes of my ex’s ex when I was on his computer (with his permission) looking for a picture to send his mother. First I found the nudes..then he accidentally left his FB open and I (again, innocently) came across the correspondence (unanswered on her part). And then I found the craigslist ads and the camels back broke..

 

Just saying..be careful.

[d0nnivain]

they are different - shirts are not the same as sexy photos of exes, they are different

 

deleting the photos will resolve this one way or another, we can find out if the photos matter - or not - to the guy

 

no need for the OP to struggle or suffer any longer

 

There's a better way for the OP to not suffer. She can break up with the guy. What she can't do is destroy property that does not belong to her. The photos are not hers to destroy. If they were sexy photos of her, maybe I'd feel different but they aren't.

 

The BF is no saint for keeping the photos but he obtained them legally with his EX's permission & cooperation. For the OP to destroy them she crosses into criminal. If she does destroy them she may no longer "suffer" from having them around but she will suffer from possibly having a criminal record.

[Space Ritual]

I feel bad for the girl. That’s just WRONG. He doesn’t get to look at her naked body after the relationship is over. He sounds like a terrible person anyway.

 

Anyone that puts themselves in a position to be photographed nude by their then Boyfriend/Girlfriend should do so knowing that once the picture is taken, there's no untaking it. And that at any time the person who took it or has it in their possession may use it for nefarious reason...to embarrass, or smear someone's reputation, or to use it as a vehicle for personal gratification at a later time.

Usually something that person is not thinking of. In fact usually they are living in the moment. It is understandable, but not uncommon

 

So for future reference, anyone thinking of doing this for their S.O. or spouse should remember that unlike love, Herpes and Digital Photographs tend to last forever. So be sure it is what you want.

[smackie9]

OK people I doubt the OP was ever considering deleting the guy's files. She has a few choices....let it go, say something or dump his ass. I guess we wait for an update.

[Space Ritual]

There's a better way for the OP to not suffer. She can break up with the guy. What she can't do is destroy property that does not belong to her. The photos are not hers to destroy. If they were sexy photos of her, maybe I'd feel different but they aren't.

 

The BF is no saint for keeping the photos but he obtained them legally with his EX's permission & cooperation. For the OP to destroy them she crosses into criminal. If she does destroy them she may no longer "suffer" from having them around but she will suffer from possibly having a criminal record.

 

Very well put, d0nnivain.

 

Indeed a difficult lesson for people to learn, especially the hard way. But an accurate one

[Gr8fuln2020]

Maybe it is in bad taste. I'm not going to delete my files because it bothers someone else. The one thing I've learned is that you should never change yourself or your history to suit someone else's insecurity.

 

That's fine, but if you are trying to start something fresh, new, honest, with someone, you risk losing any momentum by keeping such. I mean, why keep them in the first place??? Why NUDES, SEX VIDEOS???

 

There's a generalized myth that one should not change for someone, but, if the change is HEALTHY, then you should change, don't you think?

 

Finding NUDE pics and SEX videos of one's ex is not just a concern or reason from some insecurity, it is a time to really reassess whether the person is emotionally available for any meaningful relationship.

 

BTW, how did we get to the OP considering deleting what is not hers to delete?! I missed a post or two somewhere...

[olivetree]

Maybe it is in bad taste. I'm not going to delete my files because it bothers someone else. The one thing I've learned is that you should never change yourself or your history to suit someone else's insecurity.

 

I don't see how deleting nudes of an ex is changing yourself or your history.

Plus changing your history isn't even possible.

 

OP, you're only two months in.

Is this worth the paranoia?

[Gaeta]

I have a friend who one day told me he had deleted all of exs nude pictures and some were as old as exs from 4-5 years ago.

 

That got my curiosity so I asked why he kept them and if he had some type of residual feelings for these women. He started laughing, he said no, not at all, he kept them because they're naked pictures and men like naked women, end of story.

 

If you think your bf keeps those because of sentimental reasons I think you're mistaken and you need to learn a bit more on men's thought process.

[Kellens]

I would definitely be upset if I found nude pics and videos, and I would break up with him. However, I don't think I would EVER think to snoop after 2 months.

 

At the beginning of a relationship is when everything is happy, giddy and exciting. I wouldn't think of snooping unless my boyfriend gave me something to worry about, and if that's happening at 2 months, it wouldn't be a relationship I would want to continue anyway.

 

I snooped constantly in a previous relationship and it never turned out well. It also made me feel sick to my stomach. I've never looked through my current boyfriend,s phone because I trust him and I also know myself, I would find a reason to be upset at something that was in there like porn. Somethings are personal and shouldn't be shared

 

I don't think snooping is a terrible thing though, if you need the answers to help you walk away. The fact that he has that phone next to his bed and it is always fully charged means that he's probably looking at them to masturbate to, which is beyond gross if he is in a relationship with you. I do think you should tell him and see where the conversation takes you. Keeping it to yourself will only make you more upset and delay the inevitable.

[Cobra_X]

That's fine, but if you are trying to start something fresh, new, honest, with someone, you risk losing any momentum by keeping such. I mean, why keep them in the first place??? Why NUDES, SEX VIDEOS???

There's a generalized myth that one should not change for someone, but, if the change is HEALTHY, then you should change, don't you think?

Finding NUDE pics and SEX videos of one's ex is not just a concern or reason from some insecurity, it is a time to really reassess whether the person is emotionally available for any meaningful relationship.

BTW, how did we get to the OP considering deleting what is not hers to delete?! I missed a post or two somewhere...

 

I keep them because I want to keep them. They are in a heavily encrypted external hard drive along with tons of personal information and documents. IF a woman hacked my hard drive and snooped through my personal files... I would dump her immediately. I don't tolerate snooping at all. As for my emotional availability... I'm fine. I suppose some of us compartmentalize better than others.

 

Darkmoon and a few other posters suggested that she doing something illegal and hope the guy doesn't press charges.

 

I don't see how deleting nudes of an ex is changing yourself or your history.

Plus changing your history isn't even possible.

OP, you're only two months in.

Is this worth the paranoia?

 

Hording mentality runs in my family. I often don't buy things because I know it will be hard to throw them out. I keep my place looking kind of Spartan and empty. When it comes to pictures and videos... I don't know why, but it's impossible to throw them out. It doesn't cause clutter so I'm not going to fight myself on this.

[lurker74]

Sounds like he's guilty of poor security management. You'd be hard pressed to find a guy in this day and age that doesn't have nudes his ex(es). I have several but they never see the light of day. If an ex asks me to delete any pics (since I never take them surreptitiously or sometimes even get them from her), I will delete them. Otherwise, yeah, I keep them.

 

Does that mean I'm not over them? No. It means I'm a horny guy.

 

Will I ever delete them? If I get married, yes. Prior to that, probably not. Now, I'm not saying I'm proud of that and if my account on LS were not largely anonymous, I probably wouldn't admit it, but I suspect from my guy friends that my behavior is more the norm than the exception.

 

So if I were you, OP, I'd just confront him about it. Nicely, since you were creeping on his stuff it sounds like.

[Teo]

Is it the same guy from your August thread?

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/632526-should-i-tell-gf

 

No it is not the same guy. After i posted that i decided to move on. The guy i am writing about is a guy i was friendly with before and even told him what happened to that guy. And a week after he confessed that he liked me so that is how we endd up here.

[Teo]

Wow i did not expect to get so many replies! Thank you for all the advice. Now i want to add a few things...if anyone will read I'd appreciate further opinions.

 

I know snooping is bad but since o had his house keys and the lock code to his ipad i didn't think id find anything like that. They were pretty much in plain side. Both phone and ipad had just those in the gallery. I was expecting old pics of him, his art etc.

I was so shocked that i couldn't tell himthen cuz i didn't know what.... it hurt to bad. I cant do it till the weekend cuz i cant have such a conversation in a restaurant.... plus me snooping will make him angry and we will both loose the trust.... so i want to be careful about it but i want to say it this week

 

 

I have missed a few details and made him seem like a really bad guy mostly because finding this messed me up.

 

About him not giving enough attention, i guess i asked for too much some times. Because ive had very bad experiences with guys for the past years i have trust issues and I'm paranoid sometimes. for the past month he prepared for a contest and he'd* sleep 3-4h a night. I complained to him but only realised at the contest that it really was a big deal. It ended about a week ago and he went back to texting and calling often and meeting me 5days a week even if it was really short before his work. He lives 1h away but still comes all the way to see me.* I have an important exam next week do he said we should spend the whole weekend* studying cuz he wants to help me.

He really wanted to meet my mom and is telling me to meet his for weeks. He introduced me to everyone around him and met my friends too. Hes being careful around me and even when it came to sex he'd do it 10 times if he could but would never lay a finger on me if i seem a bit off.

He recently told me during a fight that he'd feel empty if he lost me... and yesterday, knowing im sad because of him he said that he thinks hes not enough and he cant give me what i want.... wich is not the case...

 

About saying I love you so soon i think for some its normal. Ive had a bf that told me that after 2 weeks and we dated for a very long time. And he dated this ex in the pics for 8months but thought he might end up with her. Hes just fast like that i guess.

 

One of my exes told me once that he keeps sone nudes of me (but they are not as explicit) and i found that somewhat normal. But having a whole phone to use just for that is weird to me.... him having them is not a problem for me... but keeping them on 2 devices he uses all the time probably jerking off to them all the time.... i haven't seen any other pics of her anywhere wich is odd too. and once he was showing me something on his phone and had her name saved with a heart on an app and even tho i didn't say a word he kept saying sorry and deleted her name right away. I have no problem with having memories of exes because i do too but not where u always look at them when u are with someone else.

Im not sure if he still has feelings for her... wich hurts like hell...or he keeps them as porn but then again... i feel that hes comparing me to that and im not good enough...wich hurts too... since he told me they used to do it a lot.

She Unfallowed him... ignores him and is pretty obvious that she wants him out of her life.... so i find it disturbing that he is holding on to stuff like that.

When we had the ex talk he didn't want to do it because he thought it will hurt us to know but i wanted to tell him why i have trust issues. Thats when he said she is sweet and asked how that made me feel because he expected it to hurt and seemed like he did it on propose. but he only talked like that about her and not so nice about the others.

They dated till about a year ago when he moved back. But pics ended in January (those were sent by her). They were really taken on that phone and transferred to the tablet this summer. I think they tried to work it out for a while after he moved. Then when she came to visit for 2 weeks in may and they prolly me to **** and then she moved to England and that was it. Few days after that he dated some girl for a month and left her. Then a few months later he met me and thats the story.

[joseb]

You'd be hard pressed to find a guy in this day and age that doesn't have nudes his ex(es).

 

.

 

I guess I'm in the minority. I have a lot of exes, like a lot.

I don't have a single nude photo of any of them.

I feel like I'm missing out.

 

Does that mean I'm not over them? No. It means I'm a horny guy.

.

 

Hmm...maybe...though with 3.5 billion women on the planet, why would you want ones of an ex unless there was some part of you that wasn't fully over them?

[Versacehottie]

Sounds like he's guilty of poor security management. You'd be hard pressed to find a guy in this day and age that doesn't have nudes his ex(es). I have several but they never see the light of day. If an ex asks me to delete any pics (since I never take them surreptitiously or sometimes even get them from her), I will delete them. Otherwise, yeah, I keep them.

 

Does that mean I'm not over them? No. It means I'm a horny guy.

 

Will I ever delete them? If I get married, yes. Prior to that, probably not. Now, I'm not saying I'm proud of that and if my account on LS were not largely anonymous, I probably wouldn't admit it, but I suspect from my guy friends that my behavior is more the norm than the exception.

 

So if I were you, OP, I'd just confront him about it. Nicely, since you were creeping on his stuff it sounds like.

 

I am a girl and know from my guy friends that this is pretty commonplace/normal. They may not even being doing anything with them, accessing them or looking at them but they sure aren't going back to delete them. I don't think to a lot of guys that it is much different than if a guy expect that ALL past bf's pics (clothed and whatever!) were deleted. If a guy expected that from me at two months, i would think he was far too jealous and possessive. I know for those of you thinking in a female brain you see it as way different than nude photos--don't think a lot of guys do though. It's a bit controlling and accusatory since there is no real way to tell what his mindset is about the pics. Best to just say that you are uncomfortable with it if it comes up. There are much clearer ways to figure out if he is actually still hung up on his ex.

[Versacehottie]

 

One of my exes told me once that he keeps sone nudes of me (but they are not as explicit) and i found that somewhat normal. But having a whole phone to use just for that is weird to me.... him having them is not a problem for me... but keeping them on 2 devices he uses all the time probably jerking off to them all the time.... i haven't seen any other pics of her anywhere wich is odd too. and once he was showing me something on his phone and had her name saved with a heart on an app and even tho i didn't say a word he kept saying sorry and deleted her name right away. I have no problem with having memories of exes because i do too but not where u always look at them when u are with someone else.

Im not sure if he still has feelings for her... wich hurts like hell...or he keeps them as porn but then again... i feel that hes comparing me to that and im not good enough...wich hurts too... since he told me they used to do it a lot.

She Unfallowed him... ignores him and is pretty obvious that she wants him out of her life.... so i find it disturbing that he is holding on to stuff like that.

When we had the ex talk he didn't want to do it because he thought it will hurt us to know but i wanted to tell him why i have trust issues. Thats when he said she is sweet and asked how that made me feel because he expected it to hurt and seemed like he did it on propose. but he only talked like that about her and not so nice about the others.

They dated till about a year ago when he moved back. But pics ended in January (those were sent by her). They were really taken on that phone and transferred to the tablet this summer. I think they tried to work it out for a while after he moved. Then when she came to visit for 2 weeks in may and they prolly me to **** and then she moved to England and that was it. Few days after that he dated some girl for a month and left her. Then a few months later he met me and thats the story.

 

Annnnndddd this is the reason NOT to have an ex talk, especially to alleviate "trust" issues. Did it make your fears go away? Nope. It has caused you to snoop and digg deeper and become more insecure and compare herself to yourself. Not working. Bottomless pit.

 

I'd say one thing that will make you have more "trust" with this guy or the nexts is to have better self confidence. Why worry about his exes? Or potential threats in girls he might like better than you? If he does, you don't want to be with him. If he does, you will move on and be fine. Thus if you have this feeling internally, it's far easier to navigate a relationship and be able to see REAL red flags and problems, not create some where none exist. BTW, idk if that is the case with this guy. I'd say he is still hung up on his ex but not for the irrational reasons (nudes on his iPad) that you have come up with.

[Teo]

Annnnndddd this is the reason NOT to have an ex talk, especially to alleviate "trust" issues. Did it make your fears go away? Nope. It has caused you to snoop and digg deeper and become more insecure and compare herself to yourself. Not working. Bottomless pit.

 

I'd say one thing that will make you have more "trust" with this guy or the nexts is to have better self confidence. Why worry about his exes? Or potential threats in girls he might like better than you? If he does, you don't want to be with him. If he does, you will move on and be fine. Thus if you have this feeling internally, it's far easier to navigate a relationship and be able to see REAL red flags and problems, not create some where none exist. BTW, idk if that is the case with this guy. I'd say he is still hung up on his ex but not for the irrational reasons (nudes on his iPad) that you have come up with.

 

Thats not what i meant by trust issues. I never worried bout him liking someone else and trusted him. But i have had very bad relationships in the past with guyscheating and dissapearing etc. So for the first few weeks it was hard for me to open up and i wanted to tell him what happened to me in the past. Him telling me about his exes was the response to my stories

[Versacehottie]

Thats not what i meant by trust issues. I never worried bout him liking someone else and trusted him. But i have had very bad relationships in the past with guyscheating and dissapearing etc. So for the first few weeks it was hard for me to open up and i wanted to tell him what happened to me in the past. Him telling me about his exes was the response to my stories

 

Same thing. Equals trust issues due to low self esteem and not really starting with a clean slate on this guy. Aka your baggage. Same same. There is an inherent worry due to you holding onto your past.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I have never done proper nudes or videos of myself with any guy. Maybe there is something wrong with me

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

This is why you don't go snooping around in other people's belongings. He gave you a key to his home, an act of trust, and you decide to spend that time snooping.

 

Its quite a good thing she found out the way OP did. How else would she have found out what a scumbag he is? You're a rebound sweetie, sorry to break it to you. He's using you and you deserve better. Check your exits.