road Posted October 6, 2017 Share Posted October 6, 2017 I'm late to this thread but I wanted to give a brief experience that I saw from the outside that was similar. This was a couple we were close friends with for many years. Wife battled depression and regrets from being a stay at home mom. They had a one sided open marriage where she could anything as long as it made her happy. He loved her and the kids tremendously and worked hard to provide for them. He worked an off shift so didn't get a ton of free time with the family during the evening. Even with the open marriage he found out that she had been messing around with several guys and not telling him. He found out through bruises on her butt and inner thighs, did a little snooping and confirmed. He confronted her and she admitted everything. She stopped for a while but then started fooling around with some of his friends. He finds out again and confronts her. He forgives and the pattern repeats. Meanwhile their friends including me are telling him he needs to get out. She's cheating, spending all of the money, neglecting the kids etc. he stays in it. Tries to make her happy. Doesn't want to give up on the family. Knows that divorce will hurt the kids. All of the good reasons. She becomes more distant and pushes him away. She leaves on the weekends. Shows him videos of her and his friends having sex to try and upset him, attempts to sleep with his brother. He still hangs on. This continued for several years until she grew up some and called it quits. His opinion on the situation now is that he feels proud that he didn't give up. Regardless of how bad it got he kept trying. Even when it was toxic. Now the kids are older and know a lot of the situation they respect and love him even more. He says he's glad he married her because it resulted in the kids but he does admit that if kids weren't in the picture or if the kids weren't his he probably would have left. He thinks that if he would have left it would have forced her to grow up, get her crap together and be a better mom. While my opinion would be to get out as you're not married, I can see how a person in love and when kids are involved want make it work regardless of how bad it can be. There are many reasons why a BH stays. All he will admit to those it is for the kids. What the BH does not say is just as important. Embarrassed to admit in public he is divorced. Embarrassed to admit in public his WW cheated on him. Embarrassed that his low self esteem makes him feel he will never get another woman and or one as attractive as his WW. To stay is not based on one thing it is a balance of all the things running through the BH's mind. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
knabe Posted October 6, 2017 Share Posted October 6, 2017 I'll be plain but hopefully not unkind. If you marry this woman, you would have to be intentionally blind not to know exactly what you are getting. So next year, in two years, in 5 years, WHEN she continues to cheat on you, you shouldn't be surprised. Hurt, yes. Surprised, no. You are walking into a marriage with a cheater knowingly. Honestly, it is hard to generate sympathy for that. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brett Hatton Posted October 9, 2017 Author Share Posted October 9, 2017 You’re right and I do realize that I would be setting myself up for a works or hurt and sadness if I was to get married. It is a sad situation when someone pretends to love you to your face, most of the time, yet treats you like crap behind your back. I agree, unless there has been smellier made to change, ie through counseling or other, past behaviour is a very good predictor of future behaviour. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
40somethingGuy Posted October 9, 2017 Share Posted October 9, 2017 You’re right and I do realize that I would be setting myself up for a works or hurt and sadness if I was to get married. It is a sad situation when someone pretends to love you to your face, most of the time, yet treats you like crap behind your back. I agree, unless there has been smellier made to change, ie through counseling or other, past behaviour is a very good predictor of future behaviour. So you admit there cannot be a future with her. What is your plan then? Are you going to just deal with being a backup plan? Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted October 9, 2017 Share Posted October 9, 2017 You’re right and I do realize that I would be setting myself up for a works or hurt and sadness if I was to get married. It is a sad situation when someone pretends to love you to your face, most of the time, yet treats you like crap behind your back. I agree, unless there has been smellier made to change, ie through counseling or other, past behaviour is a very good predictor of future behaviour. Best of luck Brett, It is wise to walk away from this one. You also need to get tested for STD's if you have been with her sense. Also to stop being with her until you get the results and decide what you are going to do. She hasn't stopped her doing I would wager, to much of a thrill of almost getting caught. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Brett Hatton Posted October 10, 2017 Author Share Posted October 10, 2017 I’ve started the process by pulling my houae off the market. Feels right so I believe I’m heading in the right direction. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
GoldenR Posted October 10, 2017 Share Posted October 10, 2017 I’ve started the process by pulling my houae off the market. Feels right so I believe I’m heading in the right direction. A great first step! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted October 11, 2017 Share Posted October 11, 2017 I’ve started the process by pulling my houae off the market. Feels right so I believe I’m heading in the right direction. Smart move. Link to post Share on other sites
spanz1 Posted October 17, 2017 Share Posted October 17, 2017 Perhaps TMI, but the 1.5 months prior to the bruises, frequency of sex dropped from daily to a couple times per week. ! that right there is the ultimate deal breaker. If you are going to give her permission so screw other guys, there has to be an INCREASE in the sex you yourself get. If it is not making her any more horny for you...what do you get out of this bizarre deal? Link to post Share on other sites
hammyy2k Posted October 17, 2017 Share Posted October 17, 2017 (edited) i would recommend finger print forensics find the dude and confront him and then dump your partner for good Edited October 17, 2017 by hammyy2k 1 Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted October 18, 2017 Share Posted October 18, 2017 I’ve started the process by pulling my houae off the market. Feels right so I believe I’m heading in the right direction. Long time getting to this point Brett and I do understand why. The first step like this when you still love and care for someone is the hardest. Let us know how you are doing even if it is just to blow off steam. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
harrybrown Posted October 18, 2017 Share Posted October 18, 2017 move out now and go NC. get away from this woman and get tested for stds. you will have no trouble finding someone so much better. GET OUT NOW! Link to post Share on other sites
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