Suspicious Bruises on Butt

[bigman1]

BH,

 

It seems to me that you need help. The White Knight is strong within you.

 

You have detailed the story of a woman who cheated on her first husband, did not divorce him and did not really "heal" and who got into another live in arrangement with another guy and then after a bad break up and while seemingly still married, moved in with you!!! She's apparently a swinger or in to having an open marriage, which, BTW, I understand only works if there is extreme trust in one's partner, and she failed at that with her first husband?! (I assume t was him)

 

Now she acts all loving towards you and it sucks you in. Of course it does. That is what she does. She has had 3 "so called" live in long term relationships in pretty short order. ( I concede you don't give much of a time frame, but in light of what you did relay, and the age of her kids relative to the events detailed, it is fairly clear that this has been a short time).

 

This woman knows how to "love bomb". So do guys who romance women and then when they get them locked down, they become abusers. You are being love bombed, but that is not the same as being actually loved.

 

She is not relationship material. Is she divorced yet? You referred to the other guy as STBX earlier. Just stop. This is not a relationship. It is an arrangement and you caught feelings.

 

Ask any stable person how long it takes them to get into a long term, live-in relationship. Your lady has had 3 in record time. I am not condemning her for being a "loose woman", nor do I suggest that is even a call that I would ever make against any woman; rather, I am noting that her turn around time suggests an instability that has deeper problems. I'd say the exact same thing about a guy. The exact same thing.

Edited October 3, 2017 by bigman1

[WilyWill]

Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but I would steer very clear of any woman who'd had sex simultaneously with two married men. Find a decent woman. Leave this one in the rear-view mirror.

[Brett Hatton]

Love bombing - I’ve never heard of this term and did a bit of research. It sounds spot on to what her behaviour is like.

 

Agreed, I do need help. My self confidence has taken a blow from her cheating and of course her defensiveness and attacking. I know what I need to do, I just need to grow a pair, take the steps and move on.

 

Yes, sleeping with two married men, at the same time is never a good sign.

 

Not surprising, she has been completely unrepentant throughout all of this.

 

Her divorce is going through the courts and should be finalized within the next month or so. The plan was for us to get married but that obviously has distaster written all over it.

 

Timeline - separated going on 2.5+yrs. Dated guy from NC for about 10months. A couple months between the NC relationship and I and we have been together for about 14 months. She and her ex husband had an open relationship for six years.

[bigman1]

As sexist as this is going to sound, and I don't want to objectify any woman, but try this metaphor.

 

Imagine a car that was a lemon. That car had previous owners and all of them had the same problem with it. One owner was still paying for bills caused by the car. The next owner incurred the same problems and then you got it. You LOVE this car. Right color, it runs, on occasion, like a dream. Purrs like a kitten, sometimes. Still, it has the exact same problems that every other owner has had with it. They invested time, money, work, and still in the end, they all got rid of it. Now you have it, it is doing the same thing, and you are thinking of making it your only car. It will or won't get you to work on time. It will break down in the middle of traffic, in the middle of busy intersections, in the cold, snow, rain and heat. Do you buy it?

 

That is her or a relationship with her. It is NOT about growing a pair. It is about just walking away going no contact with that pesky salesman who has managed to sell that same car repeatedly. It will hurt, you will second guess yourself, but the quicker and further you walk away the better. Mind and body first, heart later.

[jay1983]

Possible difference between owners. This guy knew the car was no good and all the above, but it was still the car he wanted. He had the carfax, or at least what was listed. She being in an open marriage, cheating, leaving kids behind, didn't bother him. She telling him about fu*king two guys (who both had wives) at the same time is something else, but that didn't seem to bother him either. Sitting listening to my SO talk about effing other people isn't for me and frankly I don't see who in the hell would wanna know some sh*t like that. Which maybe why someone brought up cuckold

[merrmeade]

As sexist as this is going to sound, and I don't want to objectify any woman, but try this metaphor.

 

Imagine a car that was a lemon. That car had previous owners and all of them had the same problem with it. One owner was still paying for bills caused by the car. The next owner incurred the same problems and then you got it. You LOVE this car. Right color, it runs, on occasion, like a dream. Purrs like a kitten, sometimes. Still, it has the exact same problems that every other owner has had with it. They invested time, money, work, and still in the end, they all got rid of it. Now you have it, it is doing the same thing, and you are thinking of making it your only car. It will or won't get you to work on time. It will break down in the middle of traffic, in the middle of busy intersections, in the cold, snow, rain and heat. Do you buy it?

 

That is her or a relationship with her. It is NOT about growing a pair. It is about just walking away going no contact with that pesky salesman who has managed to sell that same car repeatedly. It will hurt, you will second guess yourself, but the quicker and further you walk away the better. Mind and body first, heart later.

This is fabulous! As an analogy, it's hilarious but really spot on, and I, for one, appreciate the respectful disclaimer at the beginning.

[aliveagain]

 

Yes, sleeping with two married men, at the same time is never a good sign.

Not surprising, she has been completely unrepentant throughout all of this.

 

 

This tells you all you need to know, she doesn't respect boundaries, not her ex husbands, not yours. Just my opinion but she is bad wife material. Enjoy whatever time you have together, don't marry her, just remember all the time you waste with her lowers the chances you'll be emotionally ready for Ms.Right when she comes along. The thing you always remember about cheaters is their cheating, always trumps the good memories. Don't linger to long. Are you in the Calgary area?

[Sparta]

Bigman1 wow that is some of the best analogy I’ve have read any forum. Hit this one right at park...

[Mr Blunt]

She has been with women, two guys at the same time, which were both married.

She can’t shut it off

Not surprising, she has been completely unrepentant throughout all of this.

Brett

I was going to comment but what you said above is enough to tell you what you need to do to save yourself from becoming a door mat!

[road]

The allure of a good shape, nice paint, beautiful

big grille, nice headlamps, big trunk.

 

Men for generations have bought new and used

autos that had bad reputations. They bought them

by false justification that this particular car will

beat the odds and will provide faithful service.

[merrmeade]

The allure of a good shape, nice paint, beautiful

big grille, nice headlamps, big trunk.

 

Men for generations have bought new and used

autos that had bad reputations. They bought them

by false justification that this particular car will

beat the odds and will provide faithful service.

Okay, guys, You can compare the superficial allure of detailing to enhanced feminine beauty but comparing car ownership and service to exclusive, committed relationships goes too far. At least give me as effective a metaphor for male cheaters.

[Brett Hatton]

Aliveagain, yes I live in the yyc area.

[harrybrown]

Okay, guys, You can compare the superficial allure of detailing to enhanced feminine beauty but comparing car ownership and service to exclusive, committed relationships goes too far. At least give me as effective a metaphor for male cheaters.

 

stay away from the snakes hiding in the shadows.

 

some are not poison. others are definitely poison.

[trailwolf]

i think you should get out of this relationship now , i just dont see any thing good coming out of it , this is my personal feelings >

[Chaparral]

Did you google hand print bruises on google images? There are several photos there in a quick search.

[SaveYourHeart]

Ok so y'all don't scream at me, but I'm going to play Devil's Advocate real quick

 

Last weekend, I was shooting a wedding and somehow managed to bruise a boob. No idea how, didn't even notice it. I could've bumped into someone, slammed my camera on it, had the underwire up to high, but honestly I have no idea how that bruise got on my boob and I had no idea it was there until my husband pointed it out.

 

It legitimately looked like a big black and red hickey on my underboob, I was horrified. Luckily my husband just laughed it off even though it was suspicious looking. Is there a possibility that she fell down on her butt or maybe bumped into the corner of a table?

 

I'm more worried about her being defensive, but at the same time, if my husband had accused me of getting my butt spanked because of bruising, I would be defensive too. Actually I'd be furious and disappointed with his lack of trust in me.

[Just a Guy]

Hi SYH, your bruise was acquired innocently enough and I guess your husband has no reason to doubt you. In the OP's case his GF cheated on her ex husband and has admitted to sleeping with a couple of married men and indulged in other suspicious behaviour. So I guess OP has every reason to worry.

[Cephalopod]

OP I agree with the others. Past performance is a sure predictor of future behavior. Your GF has admitted to cheating, sleeping around with married men, living with her ex in an open relationship....

 

 

Did she ever tell you the number of men she slept with during this "open relationship"?

 

 

And given the evidence of the old used condoms, she has already cheated on you once.

 

 

From my perspective, your GF is not monogamous, wants to have sex with as many men as she can, but she wants all the perks that come with marriage and a monogamous union. The two lifestyles cannot coexist. I guarantee if you marry her, very soon down the road she will be asking you for an open relationship.

 

 

This woman is indeed a hazard to all around her. I would dump her and move on. Don't look back.

Edited October 5, 2017 by Cephalopod

[Brett Hatton]

When I first noticed the bruising it was evening after I noticed condoms in her purse. I was certainly surprise, but I didn’t and haven’t accused her of cheating.

Initially, I was concerned and was asking if she fell down, was ok, etc. She then immediately went to her phone, turned away from me as usual, and started searching for possible explanations for the bruising. I can’t be sure but I thought I heard a few txts being sent as well. Very suspicious behaviour and I was listening and only trying I understand. She also suggested that she got them from a park bench b/c of the finger print sized bruises look like the holes in a bench we sat on the might before. Not possible given those bruises were high on her butt, near the top of her butt cheek and one was inside the crack of her butt. I know bruising can happen without noticing, but given the location and the amount...I doubt it.

 

Explanations she provided - blood disorder, malnutrition and purpura which was the one she latched onto and doesn’t even look remotely close to what was on her butt. Then she got very defensive and said... “what if I die from this...huh?”

 

For anyone who was truly innocent, I wouldnt expect that kind of a response. She has a go at me for the rest of the night as well as the next day. Then turns it around and said she doesn’t trust me b/c I hold things in and don’t share right away if something is bothering me...and the reason is I can’t have a normal convo with her.

 

Perhaps TMI, but the 1.5 months prior to the bruises, frequency of sex dropped from daily to a couple times per week. Sex the night before I found the bruises was like...”just get it over as it hurts”. I clued on to that guessing she was “sore”.

 

To me this is a slamdunk case of cheating. I would like her come clean it really, is there any point?!

[WilyWill]

To me this is a slamdunk case of cheating. I would like her come clean it really, is there any point?!

 

Most of us think you shouldn't have been involved with her in the first place, so no, there's really no point in playing detective. You had your fun and hopefully you didn't catch anything. Time to move on.

[Brett Hatton]

She has never mentioned numbers, but when we have joked about this, which typically deteriorates quickly. She has said “you really don’t want to start comparing notes, do you?”. I suspect it is healthy number.

She has a penchant for athletes, professors, slept with 20yr old when she was 39, and lots of other young guys, was sleeping with multiple guys at the same time. All this came out after we started dating. She wears it all like a badge of honour.

The latest is checking out ever good looking young that walks by. I don’t have an issue with that as we’re not dead. But as an example, going for dinner and looking away at a table with a good looking guy...15-20 times is just disrespectful. I’ve been in relationships where we both point out good looking guys and girls. No issues.

[40somethingGuy]

She has never mentioned numbers, but when we have joked about this, which typically deteriorates quickly. She has said “you really don’t want to start comparing notes, do you?”. I suspect it is healthy number.

She has a penchant for athletes, professors, slept with 20yr old when she was 39, and lots of other young guys, was sleeping with multiple guys at the same time. All this came out after we started dating. She wears it all like a badge of honour.

The latest is checking out ever good looking young that walks by. I don’t have an issue with that as we’re not dead. But as an example, going for dinner and looking away at a table with a good looking guy...15-20 times is just disrespectful. I’ve been in relationships where we both point out good looking guys and girls. No issues.

 

Just be done and end this nightmare already.

[usa1ah]

So when are you moving back into your own house?

 

This is the first step. She will cuss you out or come clean.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Folks, since the OP questioned my reasoning in a previous post and alluded to me as a troll for asking politely if he was a closet c and apologizing in advance if I was wrong in my assumption about that, I will not flog that issue. However, if that possibility is excluded, then in view of the last couple of posts by him all I can say is that he is definitely low on self esteem and self respect. As BryanP is won't to say, "If you don't respect yourself then who else will". The OP has overwhelming evidence of his GF's infidelity and non monogamous tendencies and yet he seems to look through it all and hope that she will turn over a new leaf. He may as well expect a leopard to change it's spots! If he changes nothing in this relationship then nothing will change. Years later, he will be back here asking for advice on how to handle his ( then) cheating wife. Even God helps those who help themselves. Warm wishes to all.

Edited October 6, 2017 by Just a Guy

[Jg81]

I'm late to this thread but I wanted to give a brief experience that I saw from the outside that was similar. This was a couple we were close friends with for many years.

 

Wife battled depression and regrets from being a stay at home mom. They had a one sided open marriage where she could anything as long as it made her happy.

 

He loved her and the kids tremendously and worked hard to provide for them. He worked an off shift so didn't get a ton of free time with the family during the evening.

 

Even with the open marriage he found out that she had been messing around with several guys and not telling him. He found out through bruises on her butt and inner thighs, did a little snooping and confirmed. He confronted her and she admitted everything. She stopped for a while but then started fooling around with some of his friends. He finds out again and confronts her. He forgives and the pattern repeats. Meanwhile their friends including me are telling him he needs to get out. She's cheating, spending all of the money, neglecting the kids etc. he stays in it. Tries to make her happy. Doesn't want to give up on the family. Knows that divorce will hurt the kids. All of the good reasons.

 

She becomes more distant and pushes him away. She leaves on the weekends. Shows him videos of her and his friends having sex to try and upset him, attempts to sleep with his brother. He still hangs on.

 

This continued for several years until she grew up some and called it quits.

 

His opinion on the situation now is that he feels proud that he didn't give up. Regardless of how bad it got he kept trying. Even when it was toxic. Now the kids are older and know a lot of the situation they respect and love him even more. He says he's glad he married her because it resulted in the kids but he does admit that if kids weren't in the picture or if the kids weren't his he probably would have left. He thinks that if he would have left it would have forced her to grow up, get her crap together and be a better mom.

 

While my opinion would be to get out as you're not married, I can see how a person in love and when kids are involved want make it work regardless of how bad it can be.