Love him, but I want babies...

[Miss blue.]

I told him, and all he could say was “you need to leave. I need to be alone.” So... back at the hotel trying to figure out what to do... now though, he keeps calling and asking if we can FaceTime or if he can come over because he already misses “both of us”

[Just a Guy]

Hi Miss Blue, let your husband have some space so that he can hash this over in his mind. Just as much as wanting children is a strong drive within you, he has been convincing himself from when he could think about these things that having kids was a no no for him. It will take him time to do a complete U turn on that and for that he needs to be on his own. I get the feeling that things are going to work out for you as I had said in my earlier post. The very fact that he is Facetiming you and wanting to be with you shows that his love for you trumps everything else. You are a lucky girl luckier than say Contemplating and others who are getting the raw end of the deal. Keep praying and hold on to your faith. Warm wishes.

[elaine567]

I told him, and all he could say was “you need to leave. I need to be alone.” So... back at the hotel trying to figure out what to do... now though, he keeps calling and asking if we can FaceTime or if he can come over because he already misses “both of us”

 

I do not think it is a particularly good sign that he told you to leave as soon as he found out you are now pregnant.

Yes, he is facetiming you and missing you but is that more about habit and loss, rather than a serious desire to have children with you?

Even though he was pulling off condoms he may still blame you or feel you have tricked him into this.

After the "risky" sex, did you take Plan B?

 

Removing condoms during sex may not have been anything to do with a change of mind on his part about babies, but more to do with him feeling aggrieved and angry that you were leaving him. Removing condoms during sex is a "thing" in porn and having bareback sex may have been some sort of "rebellion" on his part or a way to stake out his territory even.

 

By becoming pregnant you have in effect pushed him into a corner and given him an ultimatum. How he responds now may reflect that unfortunately.

Do you have the means, help and resources to keep this child if he ultimately decides to reject it?

 

I hope he doesn't walk away now, but often people who don't want kids, just don't want kids - full stop, and no amount of cajoling or rationalisation, emotional blackmailing or frank coercion will change their minds.

[Miss blue.]

We talked until he fell asleep. He’s saying he just got scared and couldn’t think with me right there... he kept wanting to talk about his dad and how he always knew he wasn’t planned. He kept talk about how his mom never hid the fact he was violently conceived, which I’ve heard her talk about it too and it’s frightening. If he ever treated me like that, I’d disappear.

 

It’s not that he doesn’t want me or the baby, it’s that he’s afraid of being his dad. he’s nothing like that though...

 

We talked about him pulling off his condom for a minute and he knows that’s on him. Not me.

 

Yes, if he doesn’t want this baby, I can take care of it. I didn’t use plan b because I didn’t think he’d been in me long enough for anything to happen, which I know is stupid, naive, and all my fault.

[BarbedFenceRider]

Hey, I really feel he loves you. And part of that love is involved with creating life...A beautiful life! Children are a blessing that I am so grateful to enjoy. Your husband is scared. The world around us people is in such disarray and pain. Its hard to say "yes" and bring a baby into it. I get it, but I don't for a minute regret knowing that I was going to be a father. And he won't either. Looking into your eyes during the doctors visits. Holding your hand during the delivery and smiling at friends and family while holding a child is something that is not to be missed. If I died today, I would be complete. I am a husband and a father. No one can take that away. And your husband can proudly wear that title as well. Keep communicating and stay positive. And yes, sex during the pregnancy is perfectly fine. Your doctor will say as much... Best of luck, many blessings.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Elaine, that was a little too hard on the OP. Her husband is not a small kid that he doesn't know that pulling off a condom at an inopportune moment during sex can result in pregnancy. There is also the fact that the OP had removed herself physically from him and was living in a hotel and he was the one who chose to go there and be there with her and have sex. Your post seems to absolve him of all responsibility and place the entire blame on the poor OP when really she was not to blame for this. According to you she should have taken all the precautions while he is absolved of all responsibility. Not fair I think. Just the way I see it. Best wishes.

[Cephalopod]

All you need to worry about is that child in your womb, not the child you are married to. You cannot control what your husband does, only how you react to what he does.

[Cephalopod]

We talked until he fell asleep. He’s saying he just got scared and couldn’t think with me right there... he kept wanting to talk about his dad and how he always knew he wasn’t planned. He kept talk about how his mom never hid the fact he was violently conceived, which I’ve heard her talk about it too and it’s frightening. If he ever treated me like that, I’d disappear.

 

It’s not that he doesn’t want me or the baby, it’s that he’s afraid of being his dad. he’s nothing like that though...

 

We talked about him pulling off his condom for a minute and he knows that’s on him. Not me.

 

Yes, if he doesn’t want this baby, I can take care of it. I didn’t use plan b because I didn’t think he’d been in me long enough for anything to happen, which I know is stupid, naive, and all my fault.

 

Is he always a drama llama like this?

 

 

If I were his brother I'd be slapping his ass around right now telling him to act like a man.

[elaine567]

Hi Elaine, that was a little too hard on the OP. Her husband is not a small kid that he doesn't know that pulling off a condom at an inopportune moment during sex can result in pregnancy. There is also the fact that the OP had removed herself physically from him and was living in a hotel and he was the one who chose to go there and be there with her and have sex. Your post seems to absolve him of all responsibility and place the entire blame on the poor OP when really she was not to blame for this. According to you she should have taken all the precautions while he is absolved of all responsibility. Not fair I think. Just the way I see it. Best wishes.

 

My intention was not to put the sole blame the OP but by getting pregnant at this juncture was something that needed avoided at all costs.

 

I just do not really think the husband's motivation for pulling off the condom was to get the OP pregnant.

[Miss blue.]

My intention was not to put the sole blame the OP but by getting pregnant at this juncture was something that needed avoided at all costs.

 

I just do not really think the husband's motivation for pulling off the condom was to get the OP pregnant.

 

I completely agree. I don’t think he was trying to get me pregnant either. Which is why every time I realized it was off I made him put another one on.

[Miss blue.]

Is he always a drama llama like this?

 

 

If I were his brother I'd be slapping his ass around right now telling him to act like a man.

 

No, he isn’t. He’s very kind and understanding about everything. I was almost in disbelief when he asked me to leave.

[Cephalopod]

No, he isn’t. He’s very kind and understanding about everything. I was almost in disbelief when he asked me to leave.

 

 

 

I'm sorry, but...

 

 

Your husband is an infant. If I found out my wife was pregnant I'd be doing handsprings. Children are a blessing.

 

 

Your husband needs to get into counseling for his daddy issues...because your child is going to need a father who has his act together.

[Just a Guy]

Yes, I've been around children extensively. I was always watching my siblings and cousins growing up. If he didn't want children that weren't his, that would be his own problem and he could leave at any time.

 

We were walking around town last night and he saw this old couple also walking, and he wanted to stop and watch them. He kept talking about how they must've been together for years, and that's how he wants to be with me. It just broke my heart, because children at this point are nonnegotiable.

 

He wanted to talk about pulling the condom off the other night. He said that he isn't sure of what he wants, but wants to keep me. That's why he did it, and he thinks maybe he could love a baby.

[/b]

 

Hi Miss Blue this post from you seemed to give the impression that your husband pulled off the condom implying that he did so, so that he could keep you which also meant that your baby would be included in the total package and that he could learn to love the baby. This then contrasts with what you have written in your latest post saying that his intention was NOT to get you pregnant. Why would a man pull of a condom while making love to his wife knowing that that action was liable to get her pregnant? You have also said in one of your posts on this page that you told him about pulling off the condom and he knows that is on him. All this points to one thing only and that is that he did what he did to take a chance at getting you pregnant. I agree it was not a whole hearted attempt to get you in the family way but more the actions of a man desperate to keep his wife at any cost and so therefore to cater to her desire for a baby. I'm sorry if I have got it wrong but from everything that has been written before this my conclusion does seem to make sense. Correct me if I am wrong. Warm wishes.

[TunaCat]

If I found out my wife was pregnant I'd be doing handsprings. Children are a blessing.

 

Not everyone thinks that way. The OPs husband certainly doesn't seem to think so. As a woman, I wouldn't think so either. Not everyone has an unquenchable desire to be a parent.

[Miss blue.]

[/b]

 

Hi Miss Blue this post from you seemed to give the impression that your husband pulled off the condom implying that he did so, so that he could keep you which also meant that your baby would be included in the total package and that he could learn to love the baby. This then contrasts with what you have written in your latest post saying that his intention was NOT to get you pregnant. Why would a man pull of a condom while making love to his wife knowing that that action was liable to get her pregnant? You have also said in one of your posts on this page that you told him about pulling off the condom and he knows that is on him. All this points to one thing only and that is that he did what he did to take a chance at getting you pregnant. I agree it was not a whole hearted attempt to get you in the family way but more the actions of a man desperate to keep his wife at any cost and so therefore to cater to her desire for a baby. I'm sorry if I have got it wrong but from everything that has been written before this my conclusion does seem to make sense. Correct me if I am wrong. Warm wishes.

 

I agree with you on all your points. I think though that he didn’t think I would actually get pregnant. I don’t know maybe I’m wrong and he knew... I’m not sure. I just wish he was happy.

 

Thank you by the way, for your kind responses. I really have appreciated each of them.

[RecentChange]

I'm sorry, but...

 

Your husband is an infant. If I found out my wife was pregnant I'd be doing handsprings. Children are a blessing. .

 

But you want children correct? If I found out I was pregnant I would be having panic attacks, and freaking out, and sobbing over the terrible thing that has happened.

[Cephalopod]

But you want children correct? If I found out I was pregnant I would be having panic attacks, and freaking out, and sobbing over the terrible thing that has happened.

 

I have a child. She wasn't planned, but the day she was born I fell in love and never regretted it.

 

 

Most people who don't want kids are just scared of the unknown. Its all fear and grief until the child is born and you see the little guy. All of that goes away. Or at least it did for me.

 

 

And yes, I would embrace being a father again, even though I probably never will be.

[Cephalopod]

Not everyone thinks that way. The OPs husband certainly doesn't seem to think so. As a woman, I wouldn't think so either. Not everyone has an unquenchable desire to be a parent.

 

You're correct. Most selfish people don't.

[Timshel]

I have a child. She wasn't planned, but the day she was born I fell in love and never regretted it.

 

 

Most people who don't want kids are just scared of the unknown. Its all fear and grief until the child is born and you see the little guy. All of that goes away. Or at least it did for me.

 

 

And yes, I would embrace being a father again, even though I probably never will be.

 

We hope the same will be true for OP's husband. They made an agreement at wedding day...no kids.

 

The OP has had a change of heart and now...kid. A to Z

 

It's clear the OP's husband loves her very much.

 

OP, be gentle with your husband is the only advice I have. Now and at newborn and every day of your child's life.

 

Congrats!

[Just a Guy]

Hi Timshel, I beg to disagree with you on the point of the OP and her husband making an agreement on their wedding day not to have kids. It was a unilateral declaration by the husband and he took it for granted that OP was along for the ride. I think at that time the OP was not clear in her own mind about this important decision and was more ambivalent than sure about it. The point is that I do not believe they had hashed it out in detail before the wedding and all along the OP's husband took it for granted that OP was on board with his desire NOT to have kids. However, as I said this was not discussed in detail prior to the wedding. At least that is the impression I have got in reading OP's posts throughout. Maybe she can shed light on this once and for all and give us the correct picture.

 

For the rest I agree entirely with what you are saying and the OP will have to be very careful how she manouevres through an emotional minefield like this.

 

Hi Cephalopod, I guess you haven't got it yet that RC is NOT from Venus but from Uranus. You could just as well expect her to be agreeable to having a child as you could be expected to carry your own baby for nine months and deliver it. As I've said somewhere, 'It takes all kinds to make this world'. Maybe RC is doing her bit toward population control. Where I come from women are so fertile that they get pregnant if a man's shadow falls on them! Guess everyone on Planet Earth needs to do their mite to keep this great globe spinning! Warm wishes.

[Mittens]

But you want children correct? If I found out I was pregnant I would be having panic attacks, and freaking out, and sobbing over the terrible thing that has happened.

 

Exactly how I reacted both times I found out I was pregnant. I have never regretted either termination for even a millisecond.

 

I can't say anything positive about the OP's situation, as I was the unwanted product of a woman who got pregnant by a man who had clearly expressed he didn't want children. She did it for purely selfish reasons, she wanted to be married and it was the only way she could achieve her aims. But of course, those of us who know that we don't want children are the selfish ones

 

The only person I feel any sympathy for is the OP's husband. It's not like he misled her into his position. She married him knowing he didn't want children. Now he's going to be a reluctant father. I just hope for the child's sake he/she never finds out that their own father didn't want them to exist. I've been there and it's ****ing horrible.

Edited October 28, 2017 by Mittens

[Just a Guy]

Hi Mittens and Recent Change, I had a question for both of you if you would be comfortable answering it. The question is that since both of you have always been clear in your minds that you did not want children why did you not have your tubes tied? That way you would, forever have removed the possibility of getting in the family way and could have had unprotected sex with your SOs without any worry about getting conceiving. Even birth control measures would not be needed. I just do not get why one would take the risk of getting in the family way and then terminating it. Maybe both of you have your reasons. Thanks. Best wishes.

[SoulCat]

Hi Mittens and Recent Change, I had a question for both of you if you would be comfortable answering it. The question is that since both of you have always been clear in your minds that you did not want children why did you not have your tubes tied? That way you would, forever have removed the possibility of getting in the family way and could have had unprotected sex with your SOs without any worry about getting conceiving. Even birth control measures would not be needed. I just do not get why one would take the risk of getting in the family way and then terminating it. Maybe both of you have your reasons. Thanks. Best wishes.

 

I'm with Recent Change and Mittens in their steadfast stance on not wanting children. For years I've asked my GP about having my tubes tied.

They always told me I was too young. That I may change my mind.

 

Even when I ended up divorced after a 12 year child-free relationship and I asked my GP again to have to procedure done I was told 'no'.

Because I might find myself in a new relationship where I would maybe consider having children.

 

 

The problem women like us keep encountering is people almost hellbent on changing our minds on the issue of not wanting kids.

You hear those same, lame things over and over again: You'll change your mind when your older/when you're more settled/when you meet the 'right' man/when you get broody seeing those around you having babies.

 

The thing is, for people like us that just doesn't happen. But it seems society is not quite okay with that sometimes and likes to impose their views on us.

 

 

The last time I brought up the subject of tying my tubes was a few months ago when I had my implant replaced. I was told that at age 40, I still had time to change my mind....

Edited October 28, 2017 by SoulCat

[Mittens]

Just a guy: I really cannot add more to Soul Cat's excellent reply, as my story is identical...I tried to get sterilised from age 21 onwards...virtually impossible to do in the UK.

 

I had a coil fitted 11 years ago, when I was 38, and newly separated from my ex husband..still refused a sterilisation. I had it replaced 2 years ago...still refused. I'm now 49, and still get refused, not because I may change my mind, but because it might start the menopause. Even though most women of my age have already started on that road...

Edited October 28, 2017 by Mittens

[Steen719]

Exactly how I reacted both times I found out I was pregnant. I have never regretted either termination for even a millisecond.

 

I can't say anything positive about the OP's situation, as I was the unwanted product of a woman who got pregnant by a man who had clearly expressed he didn't want children. She did it for purely selfish reasons, she wanted to be married and it was the only way she could achieve her aims. But of course, those of us who know that we don't want children are the selfish ones

 

The only person I feel any sympathy for is the OP's husband. It's not like he misled her into his position. She married him knowing he didn't want children. Now he's going to be a reluctant father. I just hope for the child's sake he/she never finds out that their own father didn't want them to exist. I've been there and it's ****ing horrible.

 

How is it her fault when he took the condom off? I'm pretty sure he knew what could happen (not that he thought it would, but that it could).

 

She was willing to leave him to find someone else to have a child with.

 

While I agree that not everyone wants children and no one should judge you or anyone else for that as it is a very personal decision for each person, I don't see how she is responsible for him taking off the condom and then her telling him to put another on?