Love him, but I want babies...

[todreaminblue]

Exceptions are not rules. Statistics give information on the likelihood of outcomes. Just because you and I are not sexual abusers despite being abused as children, it doesn't mean there isn't increased chance of an abused child growing up to be an abusive parent. Not everyone has our emotional awareness after surviving abuse.

 

Counseling is not magic. Not all emotional damage can be completely healed. Counselling doesn't always keep people from being abusive. As I said before, it's a gamble to have children in the best of situations. Adding serious emotional damage from abuse makes becoming a parent even more risky. I completely understand why the OP's husband is so frightened because I think the same way. Years of therapy have not changed my decision.

 

I feel so sorry for the OP's husband. It's very hard to be fearful of a life altering decision and have other people believe that their confidence in his abilities should be enough. It's so strange how everyone can be so sure of a positive outcome without taking the risks into account.

 

exceptions

 

 

are not rules to be sure..people however are the exceptions to the rules.. people arent rules or simply statistics...

 

 

parenting is like jumping out of an airplane with a faulty parachute and no rule book suited for every family .....and thats for every parent to be...every family has their faults and flaws to deal with, every good parent has a certain fear of how they will parent if they will cut the grade and be one of the good ones.....

 

even people who have never had abuse in their life could possibly be abusive parents or even kill their children ...there no hard and fast rules on who makes a good parent..i feel it comes down to willing to try your best........i believe counselling to not be a magic cure... simply a chance to possibly heal mental wounds,give a voice to issues within the marriage and even the possibility of parenthood and become a parent who tries their best..in my opinion its better to give professional counselling a shot than giving up and not trying..none of us really know the couple involved at alldeb....

Edited October 3, 2017 by todreaminblue

[BettyDraper]

Actually I'm not forcing him to do anything. But thanks. Also, he is a wonderful husband, brother, son, and uncle. We have two nieces who think he's the greatest in the world, and he loves those girls. That's an indication he could be a great father.

 

Being an uncle is nothing like being a parent. It's much easier to be fun uncle than it is to be a father.

[submart]

Any update?

[basil67]

Being an uncle is nothing like being a parent. It's much easier to be fun uncle than it is to be a father.

 

I was a very poor aunt - I would fake interest in them. I find my own kids much more enjoyable than the children of others. What works for one doesn't work for all.

[BettyDraper]

I was a very poor aunt - I would fake interest in them. I find my own kids much more enjoyable than the children of others. What works for one doesn't work for all.

 

I'm an amazing honorary and blood aunt. I spoil my nephew and my friend's children. I play with them and sometimes I'm too indulgent.

 

One of my friends has an 18 month old. That little girl loves to climb my stairs and tear up magazines when she visits with her mom. I don't bat an eye while her mother frantically apologizes. She's only a little one.

[Miss blue.]

I’m back home. One of our best friends was killed in Las Vegas in the shooting the other night, so we are dealing with that. We really haven’t had the chance to talk about babies since, but I know I want one... I guess I might just have to get divorced or give it up. I’m not really sure what to do right now.

[preraph]

I was a very poor aunt - I would fake interest in them. I find my own kids much more enjoyable than the children of others. What works for one doesn't work for all.

 

I think this is how most people are except when they first have their first one. For a while, they get the fascination with everyone's kids, but then that seems to go away and they only like their own except with rare exceptions.

[preraph]

I’m back home. One of our best friends was killed in Las Vegas in the shooting the other night, so we are dealing with that. We really haven’t had the chance to talk about babies since, but I know I want one... I guess I might just have to get divorced or give it up. I’m not really sure what to do right now.

 

I'm so sorry you lost a friend so senselessly. Take time to mourn.

[BettyDraper]

I’m back home. One of our best friends was killed in Las Vegas in the shooting the other night, so we are dealing with that. We really haven’t had the chance to talk about babies since, but I know I want one... I guess I might just have to get divorced or give it up. I’m not really sure what to do right now.

 

My condolences for your terrible loss.

 

It's best not to make any life altering decisions while you're grieving.

[knabe]

I am so very sorry for your loss

[submart]

Wow! I'm so sorry for your loss. Focus on just grieving at this time.

[basil67]

Wow, I'm so sorry you lost your friend. Big hugs from me.

 

Sometimes tragedy such as this can help give perspective on other issues in our lives. I hope you find an answer.

[Miss blue.]

Thank you all for your condolences. My husband is really struggling with all of this right now. So, I’ve just been trying to be affectionate and supportive. I heard him saying on the phone last night that his whole life is falling apart and he can barely bring himself to eat... that’s not something he’s shared with me. He said that mostly, it’s over me, and our friend just made everything even worse.

 

The night he died, we had a sit down with his parents to talk about how they want us to work things out because I’m their favorite daughter in law. There were more things we all said but my husband and mother in law both cried. Later, he was mad I didn’t cry. I cry about this every day... just not in front of anyone.

[RecentChange]

If he is so distraught over the situation - doesn't that tell you that he still knows he doesn't want children, yet doesn't want to lose you?

 

I was in the same spot once... Husband was going through a rough time (death of a father, depression) and started to say "maybe I do want kids". I was SO SCARED to lose him - me, who ALWAYS knew I didn't want kids, always knew it wasn't for me.... Started to get desperate. I started to say maybe I could give him a child, or maybe we could adopt.

 

I knew it wasn't right for me, but I was scared, my world was falling apart.

 

Luckily I came to my senses, and he came to his - back to what we had agreed upon 10 years prior, no children.

 

Unfortunately I don't think you are changing your mind back - just know... If this felt right for him. If he thought he wanted kids.. he wouldn't be so destroyed over this.

 

I really don't think you should allow him to impregnate you in a desperate attempt to keep you.

[BettyDraper]

Thank you all for your condolences. My husband is really struggling with all of this right now. So, I’ve just been trying to be affectionate and supportive. I heard him saying on the phone last night that his whole life is falling apart and he can barely bring himself to eat... that’s not something he’s shared with me. He said that mostly, it’s over me, and our friend just made everything even worse.

 

The night he died, we had a sit down with his parents to talk about how they want us to work things out because I’m their favorite daughter in law. There were more things we all said but my husband and mother in law both cried. Later, he was mad I didn’t cry. I cry about this every day... just not in front of anyone.

 

I'm glad that you're being supportive.

 

My guess is that your husband will agree to have a child due to pressure from his parents as well as your needs. When some time has passed, you will have to decide if your husband's acquiesce is a problem or not.

 

My experience has been that most women who desperately want a child become singularly focused on that goal regardless of the obstacles such as a reluctant partner.

[BettyDraper]

If he is so distraught over the situation - doesn't that tell you that he still knows he doesn't want children, yet doesn't want to lose you?

 

I was in the same spot once... Husband was going through a rough time (death of a father, depression) and started to say "maybe I do want kids". I was SO SCARED to lose him - me, who ALWAYS knew I didn't want kids, always knew it wasn't for me.... Started to get desperate. I started to say maybe I could give him a child, or maybe we could adopt.

 

I knew it wasn't right for me, but I was scared, my world was falling apart.

 

Luckily I came to my senses, and he came to his - back to what we had agreed upon 10 years prior, no children.

 

Unfortunately I don't think you are changing your mind back - just know... If this felt right for him. If he thought he wanted kids.. he wouldn't be so destroyed over this.

 

I really don't think you should allow him to impregnate you in a desperate attempt to keep you.

 

Wow! That must have been a harrowing time for both of you.

Death makes us reevaluate our choices and lifestyles.

 

As I said before, I feel sad for both the OP and her husband.

I can only hope that if the OP decides to divorce her husband, she will be able to find a man who would be a good father and settle down with him.

Good partners are difficult to find in this day and age.

[Miss blue.]

We really haven’t been talking about babies since our friend was murdered... I don’t want to even bring it up. What I’m pissed about Is the fact he’s been forcing himself to even eat, yet doesn’t tell me. It makes me wonder what else he’s not saying and why.

 

I’m not going to force him to have kids with me if he doesn’t want to, and I’ve told him that. I don’t think I’m selfish for wanting babies, and I don’t think he’s selfish for his feelings either. I wish I could make myself stop feeling this way, but I can’t.

[JellyTot]

If this is a deal breaker for you then ask him to choose between a baby or a divorce. You may find that he loves you more than he hates the idea of being a parent (which is what it sounds like). Or he may feel so strongly about not having kids that he's willing to let you go. One thing I do know is that many people who think they don't want kids eventually reach a point in life where they're willing to consider it, and many of them are surprised how their feelings change when pregnancy and birth actually happen. If he chooses to stay with you and have a baby then you have to trust his decision and his ability to cope with the consequences.

 

The key question is WHY he doesn't want a child. Fear that he will be a bad parent, or that it will bring back bad memories of his abusive childhood? Fear of taking responsibility? Fear of it taking over his life and preventing him having fun? Having a child brings up all your darkest fears and regrets about your own childhood and it can be scary. Perhaps talking about the reasons would help, especially if they're unfounded fears.

[preraph]

^ They're not unfounded fears. He's not qualified to be a parent because he apparently had no proper parents from which to learn how to be one. You don't let a person who doesn't want kids have kids! It's just that simple. Would you give one of your friends a dog who doesn't like dogs or want a dog? This is how we end up with unwanted and abused neglected kids - or with one parent who has to do it all and a kid who feels one parent is remote at best or negligent at worst.

[Miss blue.]

 

The key question is WHY he doesn't want a child. Fear that he will be a bad parent, or that it will bring back bad memories of his abusive childhood? Fear of taking responsibility? Fear of it taking over his life and preventing him having fun? Having a child brings up all your darkest fears and regrets about your own childhood and it can be scary. Perhaps talking about the reasons would help, especially if they're unfounded fears.

 

I know my father in law was incredibly abusive to my husband and his brothers growing up. When they got bigger than him he stopped but he still is very cruel to my mother in law. She actually lived with us for a few months right after we got married because he broke her arm somehow. Then she went back. I think my husband never wants to be that way. My brother in law doesn’t let my nieces go to their house unless someone else is there too. Just because he doesn’t want them to see their grandma being abused. It’s also been suggested to me that my husband might be the product of rape, and he has even suggested that before.

 

So those are the issues.

[DKT3]

To be honest, many men don't WANT kids. I have a friend who always said, "I will never be anyone's father, kids are vampires" we now remind him of this often he just chuckles and says I really believed that. He is today a very good father of 4 who actually wanted to have a fifth.

 

You see most men don't fantasize about getting married and having kids, it just kinda happens for many.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Folks,I would say this is a very delicate subject apart from being very personal too. However, Miss Blue brought it up I guess, to assess for herself whether she was wrong to want babies when her husband was dead set against the idea. My point in stating that was that she has opened herself up to views and opinions from across the board, whether they are hurtful to her or are favourable to her desire.

 

Miss Blue I have a question for you because the genesis of this conflict of opinions may lie there. My question is was this issue discussed in detail by you and your then fiance as part of your due diligence process? If it was then did you just capitulate to what your husband was maintaining or did you express a desire to have children at that point and if you did then did he shoot it down? If he did shoot it down then did you meekly accept his position without leaving a window open for re evaluating your positions later in the marriage after the honeymoon period was over? If you just tamely went along with what he maintained then I think you did him injustice because he was probably under the impression that you concurred with his view. In your OP you are vague about how things went down and under what circumstances.

 

I think the maternal instinct in women, generally, is very strong and the ladies on here who have stated that they were dead set against having children are currently in a minority although the trend appears to be growing. As a male I just wouldn't know how strong such an instinct can be but I do know that it is quite strong. In fact it is strong enough apparently, as in the case of the OP, for her to consider divorcing her husband so that she can find a suitable mate with whom she can have children. I also think that this instinct cannot be denied as it something like flowing water, which, if it comes up against an obstacle just finds a way around it. As a rhetorical hypothesis if she decides to stay with her husband, she may have an affair and get pregnant. Of course in that case her husband would insist that she abort which is why I said it was a hypothesis. This situation reminds me of the example touted by folks in seminars and discussions which states "What happens when an irresistible force meets and immovable object"? Like I said the force will find a way around the object.

 

My point is that as a woman wanting children, the OP is going to be significantly unhappy if she continues in her relationship with her husband. She is already 34 years old and the window of opportunity for her to become a mother is fast closing. If her husband is unwilling or has to be coerced against his wishes to father children with her then in the interests of sanity the two of them must part company. If you browse the thread by Lostandlonging on this sub forum, and go to the last page you will come across a post by a guy with the moniker Explodingkitten. Although the reasons for him leaving his first marriage were very different, the relationship itself resembles closely with that of Miss Blue. It is a beautiful and sensitive post. I would urge you to read it Miss Blue as it may help you make up your mind.

 

A lot has been said about men who are not parent material because of the traumatic childhood that they experienced. The fact is that assuming those arguments are true, then I was a prime candidate Not to get married and have children. But here I am a senior citizen and have been married to my better half for over forty years. As a youngster and also as a young working professional, I was very shy around ladies(Girls). Apart from that due to a massive age difference between my parents my father appeared as a stern distant figure who we kids would avoid unless absolutely necessary. My mother was a manic depressive who would have long bouts of depression(melancholia) during our growing up years. My maternal grandmother was a schizophrenic. With this kind of a home atmosphere and the genes I was carrying, I had convinced myself that marriage and children would be the biggest blunder of my life. Well guess what happened. Fate stepped in and one of my uncles would just not let me be. He kept trying to arrange liaisons for me and I went along half heartedly just to keep the peace. At any rate his efforts paid off and I met my wife and we were married a year later. We have one child, so I became a father too and while I wont say things have been smooth sailing, by God's grace he too is now married with a son of his own. So I don't really know whether you can write those arguments against fathering children in stone. This has become very long so I'll call off here. Warm wishes all around.

[JellyTot]

I know my father in law was incredibly abusive to my husband and his brothers growing up. I think my husband never wants to be that way.

 

It doesn't sound like he doesn't want kids. It sounds like he's afraid to have kids. Recreating a parent's mistakes is a common fear. If your husband isn't a violent man, why would he think that having a child would suddenly make him become abusive? He has control over his own actions and there's no reason why he would turn into his father. Perhaps this is an issue that would be helped by therapy?

 

He's not qualified to be a parent because he apparently had no proper parents from which to learn how to be one.

 

You don't need to be "qualified" to be a parent, and you don't need to have had a parent to learn from. Many children grow up without parents and they still become perfectly good parents themselves. In fact, many people who had awful childhoods become excellent parents because they're determined not to repeat their parents' mistakes. It's ridiculous to suggest that anyone who was abused or put into foster care can't ever become a parent because they never had a parent themselves.

[Miss blue.]

I read the post in the other thread, and bawled my eyes out. Except for the whole baby thing, we’re happy, we connect, I love him. The thing about having kids is, I didn’t know I wanted them until a friend of ours had a little girl recently and it just awakened something in me. We hadn’t really talked about it before then.

 

Once his dad said something to the effect of that they were just like each other and my husband’s face went white. It was so sad because I know that my husband thinks they’re more similar than they are.

[SevenCity]

We really haven’t been talking about babies since our friend was murdered... I don’t want to even bring it up. What I’m pissed about Is the fact he’s been forcing himself to even eat, yet doesn’t tell me. It makes me wonder what else he’s not saying and why.

 

I’m not going to force him to have kids with me if he doesn’t want to, and I’ve told him that. I don’t think I’m selfish for wanting babies, and I don’t think he’s selfish for his feelings either. I wish I could make myself stop feeling this way, but I can’t.

 

I can't help but detect a selfish overtone in all of your posts. Your poor husband, who you claim to love, is now pissing you off because he's not sharing the difficulty this is causing him. Your desire to have babies above all else is also a selfish move as you are doing it to satisfy a want of yours and nothing else. Let's also not forget the "dig" of leaving the ring, which you admit was intended to hurt him.

 

I don't believe you love your husband. If you did, the thought of leaving him would not enter your mind. I recall in a prior post you said you are both having a difficult time with this. While that may be true, he's having a MUCH more difficult time than you are.

 

I'm curious what your plan is once you leave? Are you going to find someone who will make a good match and a good father? Or are you going to a fertility clinic to get pregnant?

 

If the former, what will you say to prospective fathers? When will you bring up that you have a timetable to have a child? If the latter, are you financially stable enough to take care of them on their own?

 

The fact that you had that "Oh me too!" epiphany once your friend had a kid and are willing to trash a good marriage leads one to believe you have not really thought this through.

 

Compatible matches are very difficult to find. How many married couples do you know who are truly happy? How many do you know are just staying for the kids?

 

On another note, do you have a replacement lined up already? Someone you've got your eye on perhaps? If so, that would explain why you are willing to let him go. But even if that's not the case, I don't believe you really love your husband. In fact, it sounds like you resent him.

 

I feel for the dude but I think the best thing is to leave him so he can find a woman who actually loves him.