preraph Posted October 1, 2017 Share Posted October 1, 2017 I actually thought about this. He was here last night and we had fun just walked around and talked. We came back to the room and he wanted to have sex. I recently stopped taking my birth control, and told him the second I did, and so we had to go get condoms. We came back, everything was fine, and then he kept trying to take it off. I asked him what he was doing and he said he was doing what I wanted him to. I stopped him and said that it's not something I want to force on him, and that's why I left. He just started crying and saying all that he knows he really wants is me. This is making me hate myself It's not easy even being in a relationship the first few years you have a baby. No time. And he probably doesn't want to be around kids and wouldn't like you always saying you have to put the kids first. But you could try to just see him. But you'd need either relatives to watch the kids one or two nights a week or to be able to afford a baby sitter. I just think eventually you'd get mad at him for not finding them charming or wanting to help -- and of course if they're not his, then that might or might not be a problem for him. You'd have to ask how he'd feel. He has no skills to father. He's going to resent the baby for upsetting his world. You know all that. If you had HIS baby and signed a contract agreeing to be the sole parent and not get any child support of any type with him, he might do that, but I still think you'd end up with resentment on both sides. And I think what you may not realize is how your relationship will never be the same after kids anyway. Suddenly he's way down the priority list and he won't like that. And you'll be tired and frazzled and need to work full time to provide and it will be hard because day care costs a bunch of money. But if you try to find someone new in such a short window of time, you're likely to fail or pick a wrong guy and always regret leavings someone you loved behind. I just know if I had mutual love with a guy like you seem to with him, I wouldn't throw it away for anyone else. It's too rare. You may or may not have a good time with a child. There's kids you love but don't like. There's lots of kids who hate their parents. You can't ever depend on the love of a child to replace the love of a man, really. You'll always love them, but they don't support you back. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted October 1, 2017 Share Posted October 1, 2017 Have you actually had to take care of kids for hours on end before? If not, be sure you go volunteer somewhere and do that and be sure that is what you want. I know some teachers who began teaching because they love kids but they got over their kid infatuation real quick dealing with them every day. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted October 1, 2017 Share Posted October 1, 2017 Have you actually had to take care of kids for hours on end before? If not, be sure you go volunteer somewhere and do that and be sure that is what you want. I know some teachers who began teaching because they love kids but they got over their kid infatuation real quick dealing with them every day. I was a nanny when I was younger. Looking after screaming babies and insolent children cemented my decision to be childfree. A childfree friend of mine works closely with toddlers in a daycare centre. I like the advice you're giving the OP. Sometimes prospective parents wear rose colored glasses when they think of being parents. Children can certainly bring joy but they are also a lot of work and expense. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted October 2, 2017 Share Posted October 2, 2017 ^ Yes, sometimes for sure. We don't know that about the poster though. She may know all about it or raised some siblings or something. I too have known teens and young women who thought they wanted kids until they actually had to take care of some. Hah. But not everyone is that way, though I think it's accurate to say if you haven't ever had to do it for prolonged periods of time, you probably are idealizing it some. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Miss blue. Posted October 2, 2017 Author Share Posted October 2, 2017 Yes, I've been around children extensively. I was always watching my siblings and cousins growing up. If he didn't want children that weren't his, that would be his own problem and he could leave at any time. We were walking around town last night and he saw this old couple also walking, and he wanted to stop and watch them. He kept talking about how they must've been together for years, and that's how he wants to be with me. It just broke my heart, because children at this point are nonnegotiable. He wanted to talk about pulling the condom off the other night. He said that he isn't sure of what he wants, but wants to keep me. That's why he did it, and he thinks maybe he could love a baby. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted October 2, 2017 Share Posted October 2, 2017 Yes, I've been around children extensively. I was always watching my siblings and cousins growing up. If he didn't want children that weren't his, that would be his own problem and he could leave at any time. We were walking around town last night and he saw this old couple also walking, and he wanted to stop and watch them. He kept talking about how they must've been together for years, and that's how he wants to be with me. It just broke my heart, because children at this point are nonnegotiable. He wanted to talk about pulling the condom off the other night. He said that he isn't sure of what he wants, but wants to keep me. That's why he did it, and he thinks maybe he could love a baby. Well, are you willing to have a child under the circumstances? Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted October 2, 2017 Share Posted October 2, 2017 I understand the idea of abuse survivors could become abusive...But....from personal experience its like i have to prove it wrong ..i was abused by a pedo ....doesnt turn me into a pedo.....i was bullied at school doesnt turn me into a bully..been pack raped...doesnt turn me into a rapist.... i am my own person and not my abuse or abusers...my abuse has made me ....extremely empathetic and sensitive to how i treat people and when i have done wrong things to people i feel it double ...i quickly apologise....the last thing i want to do is make someone uncomfortable or hurt anyone....... your husband needs counselling.....there's no correlation with statistics about how your HUSBAND is going to parent...he may be a more sensitive parent because of what he has been through and ....understanding.....if he copped abuse through the hands of a father or mother......doesn't mean that he will abuse his children.....he is scared....and he needs compassionate counselling.... sounds like he would give the world to you if he could...and damn thats rare..... even something he is scared of doing and being....love like that...well....its rare and beautiful...nurture that love go with him to counselling strengthen the trust and bond on your side that you have with you husband ...he is deserving of the same amount of love he has for you, to get it back......do anything for him...like he would for you....or sadly leave him and let some other extremely lucky woman a chance to be loved by a man like him...its your choice.....my suggestion is go the counselling and appreciate him.....and your marriage to him .....i have had five children when i was younger i thought that i wouldnt have children mainly due to physical scarring on the inside and the fact i felt no one would want to marry someone like me....as a girl i used to day dream about someone marrying me and loving me....still do.even though love scares me ....i know i would make a loving wife......and its evident on this site quite often in replies at times about how damaged goods steer clear......not always true for every individual....and counselling intensive therapy ...is always helpful.......i hope you go that route.....good luck.....deb 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Miss blue. Posted October 2, 2017 Author Share Posted October 2, 2017 Well, are you willing to have a child under the circumstances? Am I willing to have a child with my husband? Yes, if he decides he wants to have one with me. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Miss blue. Posted October 2, 2017 Author Share Posted October 2, 2017 I understand the idea of abuse survivors could become abusive...But....from personal experience its like i have to prove it wrong ..i was abused by a pedo ....doesnt turn me into a pedo.....i was bullied at school doesnt turn me into a bully..been pack raped...doesnt turn me into a rapist.... i am my own person and not my abuse or abusers...my abuse has made me ....extremely empathetic and sensitive to how i treat people and when i have done wrong things to people i feel it double ...i quickly apologise....the last thing i want to do is make someone uncomfortable or hurt anyone....... your husband needs counselling.....there's no correlation with statistics about how your HUSBAND is going to parent...he may be a more sensitive parent because of what he has been through and ....understanding.....if he copped abuse through the hands of a father or mother......doesn't mean that he will abuse his children.....he is scared....and he needs compassionate counselling.... sounds like he would give the world to you if he could...and damn thats rare..... even something he is scared of doing and being....love like that...well....its rare and beautiful...nurture that love go with him to counselling strengthen the trust and bond on your side that you have with you husband ...he is deserving of the same amount of love he has for you, to get it back......do anything for him...like he would for you....or sadly leave him and let some other extremely lucky woman a chance to be loved by a man like him...its your choice.....my suggestion is go the counselling and appreciate him.....and your marriage to him .....i have had five children when i was younger i thought that i wouldnt have children mainly due to physical scarring on the inside and the fact i felt no one would want to marry someone like me....as a girl i used to day dream about someone marrying me and loving me....still do.even though love scares me ....i know i would make a loving wife......and its evident on this site quite often in replies at times about how damaged goods steer clear......not always true for every individual....and counselling intensive therapy ...is always helpful.......i hope you go that route.....good luck.....deb Thank you. I know he wouldn't be an abusive father I just don't think he knows that. He's a very sweet, kind man. I wish he realized that. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted October 2, 2017 Share Posted October 2, 2017 Thank you. I know he wouldn't be an abusive father I just don't think he knows that. He's a very sweet, kind man. I wish he realized that. he feels fear evident in his shame filled tears, he is possibly so very afraid that the abuse may have stayed, some where hidden behind the scars, he is lost but i say not too far, just some counselling and tender care, in the bonds of your marriage that you share, best wishes in prayers i send to you miss blue, that you and your husband pull right through, and one day might be a tiny life that might grow inside of you.....deb 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted October 2, 2017 Share Posted October 2, 2017 (edited) I understand the idea of abuse survivors could become abusive...But....from personal experience its like i have to prove it wrong ..i was abused by a pedo ....doesnt turn me into a pedo.....i was bullied at school doesnt turn me into a bully..been pack raped...doesnt turn me into a rapist.... i am my own person and not my abuse or abusers...my abuse has made me ....extremely empathetic and sensitive to how i treat people and when i have done wrong things to people i feel it double ...i quickly apologise....the last thing i want to do is make someone uncomfortable or hurt anyone....... your husband needs counselling.....there's no correlation with statistics about how your HUSBAND is going to parent...he may be a more sensitive parent because of what he has been through and ....understanding.....if he copped abuse through the hands of a father or mother......doesn't mean that he will abuse his children.....he is scared....and he needs compassionate counselling.... sounds like he would give the world to you if he could...and damn thats rare..... even something he is scared of doing and being....love like that...well....its rare and beautiful...nurture that love go with him to counselling strengthen the trust and bond on your side that you have with you husband ...he is deserving of the same amount of love he has for you, to get it back......do anything for him...like he would for you....or sadly leave him and let some other extremely lucky woman a chance to be loved by a man like him...its your choice.....my suggestion is go the counselling and appreciate him.....and your marriage to him .....i have had five children when i was younger i thought that i wouldnt have children mainly due to physical scarring on the inside and the fact i felt no one would want to marry someone like me....as a girl i used to day dream about someone marrying me and loving me....still do.even though love scares me ....i know i would make a loving wife......and its evident on this site quite often in replies at times about how damaged goods steer clear......not always true for every individual....and counselling intensive therapy ...is always helpful.......i hope you go that route.....good luck.....deb Exceptions are not rules. Statistics give information on the likelihood of outcomes. Just because you and I are not sexual abusers despite being abused as children, it doesn't mean there isn't increased chance of an abused child growing up to be an abusive parent. Not everyone has our emotional awareness after surviving abuse. Counseling is not magic. Not all emotional damage can be completely healed. Counselling doesn't always keep people from being abusive. As I said before, it's a gamble to have children in the best of situations. Adding serious emotional damage from abuse makes becoming a parent even more risky. I completely understand why the OP's husband is so frightened because I think the same way. Years of therapy have not changed my decision. I feel so sorry for the OP's husband. It's very hard to be fearful of a life altering decision and have other people believe that their confidence in his abilities should be enough. It's so strange how everyone can be so sure of a positive outcome without taking the risks into account. Edited October 2, 2017 by BettyDraper 5 Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted October 2, 2017 Share Posted October 2, 2017 Am I willing to have a child with my husband? Yes, if he decides he wants to have one with me. I meant if you were okay with your husband having a child with you despite his clear reservations and reluctance. He doesn't want a child. He's just having one to keep you with him. Are you fine with bringing a child into that situation? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
knabe Posted October 2, 2017 Share Posted October 2, 2017 Again, I am so very sorry you are in this position. However, blame and "you reneged" serves no one. NO ONE. Do not take on guilt over what is a statistically NATURAL desire. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted October 2, 2017 Share Posted October 2, 2017 Again, I am so very sorry you are in this position. However, blame and "you reneged" serves no one. NO ONE. Do not take on guilt over what is a statistically NATURAL desire. I agree. The OP and her husband are not wrong for their individual feelings toward having children. It's quite common for people to change their minds about certain decisions. I had two friends who were childfree and they ultimately decided to have children. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Mittens Posted October 2, 2017 Share Posted October 2, 2017 I married a man who was adamant he didn't want children...which suited me fine, after my childhood of being raised by two reluctant parents, I have never wanted children either. The odd moment of wondering what it would be like, but that was it (I've also wondered what being shot would be like...) When we had been married 3 years (and together for a total of nearly 9), we had two forms of contraception fail and I ended up pregnant. I was 34, so it was really the last chance...the minute I told my husband, he asked how much an abortion would be. Even with his pregnant wife in front of him, after nearly a decade he still didn't want to be a father. And I hadn't changed my mind, either. 'Thinking he might love a child' is too much of a risk. There's a 50% chance he won't, either. Please believe me, having resentful parents is ****ing awful. I'm now nearly 50 and currently being treated for C-PTSD because of what I went through as a child. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted October 2, 2017 Share Posted October 2, 2017 I married a man who was adamant he didn't want children...which suited me fine, after my childhood of being raised by two reluctant parents, I have never wanted children either. The odd moment of wondering what it would be like, but that was it (I've also wondered what being shot would be like...) When we had been married 3 years (and together for a total of nearly 9), we had two forms of contraception fail and I ended up pregnant. I was 34, so it was really the last chance...the minute I told my husband, he asked how much an abortion would be. Even with his pregnant wife in front of him, after nearly a decade he still didn't want to be a father. And I hadn't changed my mind, either. 'Thinking he might love a child' is too much of a risk. There's a 50% chance he won't, either. Please believe me, having resentful parents is ****ing awful. I'm now nearly 50 and currently being treated for C-PTSD because of what I went through as a child. *hug* I have C-PTSD too. I'm no longer in talk therapy. I will be starting riding lessons and getting a dog next year because being around animals is great for PTSD. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted October 2, 2017 Share Posted October 2, 2017 Yes, I've been around children extensively. I was always watching my siblings and cousins growing up. If he didn't want children that weren't his, that would be his own problem and he could leave at any time. We were walking around town last night and he saw this old couple also walking, and he wanted to stop and watch them. He kept talking about how they must've been together for years, and that's how he wants to be with me. It just broke my heart, because children at this point are nonnegotiable. He wanted to talk about pulling the condom off the other night. He said that he isn't sure of what he wants, but wants to keep me. That's why he did it, and he thinks maybe he could love a baby. No, it would be your kids' problem if they got attached to him and then he decided to leave. Once you have kids, you have to worry about hurting them by forming attachments that aren't going to last. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted October 2, 2017 Share Posted October 2, 2017 Am I willing to have a child with my husband? Yes, if he decides he wants to have one with me. You already know he doesn't want to. If he goes along with it, it's only because he was coerced and given the ultimatum. I'm sure that won't cause any tension down the line. Even if a good fairy waved a wand and made him really want kids, he has no role modeling to be a parent. He has no skills for it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted October 2, 2017 Share Posted October 2, 2017 (edited) You already know he doesn't want to. If he goes along with it, it's only because he was coerced and given the ultimatum. I'm sure that won't cause any tension down the line. Even if a good fairy waved a wand and made him really want kids, he has no role modeling to be a parent. He has no skills for it. I think that parents often learn as they go along. No matter how many parenting courses or books someone reads, they go into parenthood completely blind and not knowing how to raise the particular child they have. At the same time, parents who had terrible examples have far more difficulty with raising their children than more well adjusted parents. I believe that most women will follow their biological imperatives when it comes to reproduction, rather than seriously considering whether or not their individual circumstances are the best to bring children into. Most pregnancies are unplanned and plenty of children are brought into poverty and/or very unhealthy relationships. Not everybody who wants a child ought to become a parent. Edited October 2, 2017 by BettyDraper 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted October 2, 2017 Share Posted October 2, 2017 ^ I don't really think they do. Our child protective agencies are overflowing with crappy parents. He literally has no foundation to know how to properly raise a child. He only has a foundation for how to improperly do it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted October 2, 2017 Share Posted October 2, 2017 ^ I don't really think they do. Our child protective agencies are overflowing with crappy parents. He literally has no foundation to know how to properly raise a child. He only has a foundation for how to improperly do it. To be fair, nobody has a perfect childhood. Parenting is not black and white. Since parents are just fallible human beings, they are bound to make mistakes while raising their children regardless of their childhoods. In that sense, everyone has been affected in some way by their parents' inevitable missteps. Having a less than perfect childhood doesn't mean that someone cannot possibly make a decent parent. Conversely, someone who had a good enough childhood can still become abusive when he raises his own children. With respect to the OP, I think that she is willing to have a child in spite of her husbands' reservations. We can only hope that he will be a good father and he won't end up resenting his child or his wife. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Miss blue. Posted October 3, 2017 Author Share Posted October 3, 2017 I went and had lunch with my mother in law today. She asked how long I've felt the way I do, what brought it on, and how I plan on moving forward. I told her almost everything and we cried together. We both agreed he would be a great dad, but we both understand why he is scared about it. His father is not a nice man at all. She told me they've been talking about it, and he's beside himself... that hurts my heart. We talked about everything he's been saying to both of us, and we were so sad. She told me she knows we're made for each other. I'm so lost. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Miss blue. Posted October 3, 2017 Author Share Posted October 3, 2017 You already know he doesn't want to. If he goes along with it, it's only because he was coerced and given the ultimatum. I'm sure that won't cause any tension down the line. Even if a good fairy waved a wand and made him really want kids, he has no role modeling to be a parent. He has no skills for it. Actually I'm not forcing him to do anything. But thanks. Also, he is a wonderful husband, brother, son, and uncle. We have two nieces who think he's the greatest in the world, and he loves those girls. That's an indication he could be a great father. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Miss blue. Posted October 3, 2017 Author Share Posted October 3, 2017 With respect to the OP, I think that she is willing to have a child in spite of her husbands' reservations. We can only hope that he will be a good father and he won't end up resenting his child or his wife. Actually, if he's not sure, I won't have one with him. Simple. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 3, 2017 Share Posted October 3, 2017 Actually I'm not forcing him to do anything. But thanks. Also, he is a wonderful husband, brother, son, and uncle. We have two nieces who think he's the greatest in the world, and he loves those girls. That's an indication he could be a great father. Is he making this decision because he definitely does not want children? Or, is he making this decision out of fear - fear that he may not be a good father? Because - those are two very different things. If it is the first, I would say that he should not have children. If it is the second, I would say that he should talk to a counsellor before making a life altering decision... 4 Link to post Share on other sites
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