Veronica73 Posted September 28, 2017 Share Posted September 28, 2017 with those dangerously dependent people maybe one would have to cry when telling the truth or simply dissapear or fake a kidnapping or something:( And maybe I was giving you the benefit of the doubt. Link to post Share on other sites
knabe Posted September 28, 2017 Share Posted September 28, 2017 you say you cant hurt someones feelings, rather hurt your own by faking (and theirs), but why are you afraid of that? do you actually also depend on them, their goodwill? inspite of you living unfulfilled- that creates a mass of fakeness hurting everybody right? Here's the bottom line: Do we think lying and deception are wrong or right? Do we think breaking our vows while married by banging someone else is wrong or right? It's a moral and ethical question. Is my "happiness" more important than my family and my character? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
knabe Posted September 28, 2017 Share Posted September 28, 2017 So you stay married to someone you're no longer happy with just b/c it'll hurt their feelings and you have a conscience? That's ludicrous. No....but you wait until AFTER you are actually divorced to drop your pants. It's not rocket science. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Blunt Posted September 28, 2017 Share Posted September 28, 2017 I'm just someone who is in a lot of pain and is reaching out for some kind of advice or help... I have made mistakes. But so does everyone. I just have to learn from them. You have violated the most sacred thing in marriage many times over many years. Your partner in betrayal has no loyalty, not trustworthy, will betray her partners and has seriously damaged herself in the area of establishing a loving and trusting relationship. You also share in those character damaging actions. That is not judgement that is telling the truth. You say that you want to learn from your mistakes, then what are you doing to becoming a man that is trustworthy, loyal, will sacrifice for another person, and will take actions that prove that you have real love for someone? Advice?...You have severely damaged your relationship with your wife and family and with your betraying *** buddy. My advice is for you to get all the help that you can and start changing your attitude, thinking, and actions. Communicating on an internet board is not enough help for you, get every help that is available to you. When you get the right help then it is up to you to change you because no one can do that but you. Accept that it is going to be very hard but be determined to persevere and change. If you do not change you will continue to have thingsfallapart. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted September 28, 2017 Share Posted September 28, 2017 You have violated the most sacred thing in marriage many times over many years. Your partner in betrayal has no loyalty, not trustworthy, will betray her partners and has seriously damaged herself in the area of establishing a loving and trusting relationship. You also share in those character damaging actions. That is not judgement that is telling the truth. You say that you want to learn from your mistakes, then what are you doing to becoming a man that is trustworthy, loyal, will sacrifice for another person, and will take actions that prove that you have real love for someone? Advice?...You have severely damaged your relationship with your wife and family and with your betraying *** buddy. My advice is for you to get all the help that you can and start changing your attitude, thinking, and actions. Communicating on an internet board is not enough help for you, get every help that is available to you. When you get the right help then it is up to you to change you because no one can do that but you. Accept that it is going to be very hard but be determined to persevere and change. If you do not change you will continue to have thingsfallapart. I totally agree. However, by his last post it doesn't sound like OP thinks there is a problem or anything that need to change in his behavior. So, you may be wasting your time... Link to post Share on other sites
Furious Posted September 29, 2017 Share Posted September 29, 2017 (edited) What's with all the nasty judgements. I'm just someone who is in a lot of pain and is reaching out for some kind of advice or help... How do your nasty judgments help my situation at all? I have made mistakes. But so does everyone. I just have to learn from them. This site is basically a support group for the broken hearted and that's all it should be. If I wanted judgments I would have spoken to other people... Often, those in an affair eventually have to face the flaws within oneself and the flaws of the affair partner at some stage. Maintaining the high of an affair requires double the effort to restore the early stage of the affair when the mirroring of what you both want to see and believe in each other was not questioned or challenged. Many people in affairs set themselves up by trying to be both a saviour and rescuer. The muddle of it all really only thrives on deceit and as in your situation it's not unique. Your affair is now in the power struggle stage, the power struggle is always under the surface because people in affairs mask themselves as altruistic. A typical scenario is saying what they think they should say and presenting what they should portray and eventually as in any relationship the talk versus the walk is tested. As for your resistance to real advice and lashing out against it by labelling it as judgemental is text book for the great majority of WS's who's spouse is in the dark. On the bright side, though you're not getting the "support and help you admonish as being judgemental", in an circumvent irony you're helping other's with a window's view into the psyche of a typical Wayward Spouse. I'm guessing you'll take this as "judgemental"......you've put your wife at risk for std's without her knowledge. It doesn't matter that your affair partner had sex with other men while you were briefly broken up....it's one thing to risk your own health but to risk your wife's health is beyond cruel. Edited September 29, 2017 by Furious 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Müun Posted September 29, 2017 Share Posted September 29, 2017 Sorry if that sounds brutal but you said it yourself, she's the female version of you. She's cheating on you, who're having an affair with her. She, like you doesn't believe in monogamy I guess, or at least doesn't have a black and white view of things. On the other hand you couldn't give her your 100%, so of course she's not fully committing to you. She's moving on to other guys because probably at this point she's thinking that if you can't give her what she wants she might as well have more lovers, at least there's more excitement in the novelty. Also, if it's a proper relationship what she's looking for and you can't / don't want to give her this, I don't see how you can expect her to be only yours promising that you'll leave your family. You didn't do it until now, so as you don't trust her she probably doesn't trust you. Hope I didn't offend you. Link to post Share on other sites
Matahari007 Posted October 4, 2017 Share Posted October 4, 2017 (edited) You have to let her go! You can't give her the very thing she wants and deserves and that's you completely. You both are in this toxic vicious cycle and its never going to end until you implement NC for good. She's obviously broken and looking for attention in all the wrong places and you are just the fall back guy to pick up the pieces. Finally be that guy that respects her wishes and lets her be. If you truly "love" her than you have to let her go. Your ego and selfish needs is why you still want her. If you have her happiness at heart you will consider doing this for her. Also, look at the emotional toll this has taken on you, your XAP, and wife. You are clearly unhappy so how long will you continue living this way? I wish you the best! Edited October 4, 2017 by Matahari007 Link to post Share on other sites
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