painful affair end

[Minnie09]

My wife said she doesn't care if I have a mistress but if I choose to divorce she will make the kids hate me. So I'm stuck. I don't want my kids to see that.

And she said she needs me and wants me but she was the one who wanted to go NC and she was the one that wanted space

 

Many wives say that if they don't want to let their partners go. It doesn't mean she CAN turn your kids against you. You're their dad, you have a relationship with them. How old are your kids? I'm sure they've met other kids/friends whose parents are divorced. So point that out to them (and your W), and tell them that they wouldn't be an exception. D is more common than ever. People survive. You just have to ask yourself what YOU want. Not use your wife's fear tactic as an excuse to remain stuck. Men tend to do that. Use all kinds of external reasons in order to NOT act proactively. I have no idea why that is the case, but I see it all the time. I've never been able to understand this. Women are way more determined and proactive if they feel a change is needed. And I hate gender-based stereotypes more than anybody else. However, THIS is such an obvs difference between males and females in our age, culture and society.

[Minnie09]

Then your problem has been solved. Your mistress wants you back and your wife is ok with it.

 

I don't think the mistress is OK with that, or else she wouldn't have initiated nc. She's just too attached to OP to let go completely.

[elaine567]

Many wives say that if they don't want to let their partners go. It doesn't mean she CAN turn your kids against you. You're their dad, you have a relationship with them. How old are your kids? I'm sure they've met other kids/friends whose parents are divorced. So point that out to them (and your W), and tell them that they wouldn't be an exception. D is more common than ever. People survive. You just have to ask yourself what YOU want. Not use your wife's fear tactic as an excuse to remain stuck. Men tend to do that. Use all kinds of external reasons in order to NOT act proactively. I have no idea why that is the case, but I see it all the time. I've never been able to understand this. Women are way more determined and proactive if they feel a change is needed. And I hate gender-based stereotypes more than anybody else. However, THIS is such an obvs difference between males and females in our age, culture and society.

 

Men like the OP do not want change they are often happy with the status quo, a wife and kids, AND a mistress...

[stillafool]

She texted me tonight to say she needs me and wants me again! Now I'm confused

 

Go to her!

[Minnie09]

Men like the OP do not want change they are often happy with the status quo, a wife and kids, AND a mistress...

 

I'm sure there are many mm who are content with their status quo, aka M plus mistress on the side, and that's ok, too, but there are also many who are not, like OP who said he has been contemplating D in order to start a life with someone else etc. That means, he's "unhappy" enough to consider a big life change, and he also stated he doesn't love his BW, just staying for the kids, etc. Those are the MM I'm actually referring to. I don't think they're a minority at all; it just looks like it, because most don't do anything about their situation proactively. They stay stuck, or wait until BW has had enough and does the hard work for them. Or they find all kinds of other external excuses, e.g. APs flaws (which aren't usually so different from their own flaws; and those flaws shouldn't make a difference anyways, if they are dreaming about a different future already). It's just an observation that I've made. And quite frankly, if they're happy with a triangle relationship, so be it. I just think many if not most are truly emotionally attached to their APs, and miss them when they're not (or no longer) around, and dream about a life together, but they just don't get proactive about it.

[wmacbride]

So many mistakes,

 

Wow, I feel like you really kind of understood our relationship.

I know this sounds so corny but I really do love her a lot and just want to keep her in my life...

but at the same time, I don't want to be the guy she always comes back to after she has been used by some guy... because I never once cheated on her... I had sex with my wife though and that was what pushed her to rebound quickly to other guys... I don't know...

 

But I really don't want to let her go but I really know it's just going to cause me pain if I meet her as just friends where I can't even kiss her or touch her.

 

And for all the whole trust issues, I told her to go to therapy as I think she is a manic depressive or possibly BPD...

 

I really want to break NC and tell her I understand everything and I'm sorry and what we had was special. Really special... But at the same time , I know she is messaging guys and probably meeting guys...

 

So you don't want to be the guy in the position where you will be the guy she goes back to when she is done with a fling, yet you see no problem wiht putting your wife in that position?

 

That's pretty strange reasoning. Sounds to me like you really don't care for your wife at all, except in a very selfish way. You care because of what she can do for you. she's your safe place to land.

 

If you are really unhappy in your marriage, you have choices beyond having an affair.

 

Be honest with your wife and tell her that your current marriage simply isn't working for you, or really, for her. Once that is out on the table, the two of you can decide, together, what you want your marriage to look like going forward.

 

btw, you say you are still having sex with your wife. If you had sex with your ow, who was also having 'flings" with other guys, then you NEED to either stop having sex with your wife or tell her the truth. If she was out sleeping with other guys who may or may not have an STD, wouldn't you want to know so you could protect yourself? Otherwise, you risk her health, both physical and mental. Condoms don't protect from everything, and what a way for your wife to find out you've been cheating that for her to catch an STD.

 

You don't sound like a bad guy, just sort of mixed up, and it doesn't sound like you dislike your wife or want to hurt her. If that's true, at least give her the tools she need sot protect herself. Not to mention the fact that you feel your ow could be bi-polar of have BPD...please,tell your wife so she can protect herself. Don't let her end up like me, still being contacted and annoyed by my h's ex-ow all these years later.

[wmacbride]

She texted me tonight to say she needs me and wants me again! Now I'm confused

 

I'm not in favour of laymen diagnosing a mental illness or personality disorder, but if this women has borderline personality disorder, you are in for a bumpy ride.

 

She will always want what she doesn't have. If she's with you, she'll want to go, if she goes, she'll want to come back, especially if she feels you are starting to move on.

 

You can't help her. No one can, except for a therapist and her own will.

Edited September 25, 2017 by wmacbride

[lostgirl87]

Speaking as a former OW, it's really messed up that you expected her to stay 100% faithful to you while you were married and cutting things off with her to stay married. So you wanted your family to stay intact and expected her to put her life completely on hold for you? Nah dude. Doesn't work that way. You want her to be yours? Then you need to be hers. Point blank.

 

Now having said that, a woman who can juggle that many men and bounce from one to the other is probably not long-term relationship material. The feminist in me hates myself for saying this b/c I realize how much of a double standard it is but things are different for women. A good, reliable, faithful woman could never love one man but date or sleep with other men, regardless of the situation. It's one thing to try and see what else is out there but the way you wrote, it sounds like she's unstable when it comes to dating and doesn't know what she wants. When a woman truly loves a man, she can't just move on. Sounds like what she enjoys are ego boosts. My concern with the way she comes off in your post is that once you're single, she will tire of you and move on to the next.

 

When I was in the affair with my former MM, I didn't date at all for the most part. When I did, it never went further than 2 dates and a kiss. I just couldn't bring myself to do anything more or give parts of myself (mentally and physically) to another man when I was madly in love with MM. it wasn't that I felt I had to stay faithful to him, that's just ME. I couldn't go against my feelings. Was it smart? Probably not. I should've dated more. I shouldn't have put all of my focus and energy on MM but I was just doing what felt right for me.

 

Maybe your OW does truly love you and will be faithful to you should y'all ever get together. I have a hard time imagining myself doing what she did but I'm only speaking for myself. People are different and handle things differently. Some are able to go through the motions with someone else while still holding genuine feelings for another. You need to really think about what YOU want- stay married or not. But do it for you. Don't let your OW be the sole reason you leave b/c neither she nor anyone are 100% guaranteed or reliable.

 

Good luck!

[Blanco]

You're worried that your wife will make your kids hate you if you divorce. How will they feel when they are older and discover that you've had a mistress while propping up some bogus marriage?

[notbroken]

Cheaters cheat. How can you be surprised you are not 'the only one'? You are not monogamous. She isn't either. It is likely neither of you will ever be for long. Hard to break that habit - and it IS a habit.

 

Every minute you spend with your OW is time you could be at home with your kids and family building your relationship with them. Your time is the most valuable thing you have to offer them. While it may be difficult to hear, you are shortchanging them. The OW is shortchanged a 'real' partner who can stay weekends, overnight, and be there fully - physically and mentally. Your family is also being shortchanged your time and full attention. Make a choice and live with the consequences for all their sake. Be strong. Pick.

[Steve51]

Wow. I guess she has to hit you over the head to learn that she dates a lot of guys. We men tend to flatter ourselves when we date women with multiple boyfriends, into thinking they love us so much that they will change who they are overnight.

 

Here is some free advice from my experiences. A woman who will date a married man is not going to have much in the way of morals. A woman who dates a married man who has let it be known that that he will not leave his wife knows that she has no future with you other than sneaking around when you can. She is much younger than you and will seek out boys her age. Perhaps she sees in you someone who is more mature and can afford to take her to someplace other than Burger King. Here is another piece of advice, women lie and use their sex to control men. I would not believe her since she knows you are desperate for her because of your actions and the fact that married men to no not easily find girlfriends.

 

I cannot believe that you believe that your kids will hate you if you divorce. What? Half of the kids in this country come from divorced parents. No one I know who got divorced had their kids hate them. If handled properly they may cry for a day but then get used to the new routine and love you as usual. You are typical of most married men who cheat. I was in your shoes so I am not condemning you. I just know why I did what I did. You are fooling yourself into finding a reason not to divorce. Has nothing to do with the kids. Half of marriages divorce every day and most have kids. What you want is a safety net. I was there once. You like having a young hot girl who makes you feel young but want the security of your marriage in case things do not work out, and they probably won't.

 

My sister married a guy 7 years older than her. It was fine in the beginning when they both were under 30. However as he got old and less inclined to go out every Friday and Saturday night to drink and dance, she started to go with her friends who all cheated on their husbands and got divorced as a result. He became and acted like an old man while she was still vital. He just wanted to stay home and watch TV while my sister liked to go out. She divorced him. She has two kids who love their father. You have no future with this girl. She will either dump you the first time she meets a single guy her age that she likes. She is not going to be faithful to one man who she can never marry and have kids with. Stop thinking with the little head. If you truly do love your wife anymore, be a man and divorce her so that she can find someone who does. I hear guy say they stay together for the sake of the kids but never consider that their kids are learning about relationships and marriage from you and your wife. I doubt that you two are a good example for them to follow when they get older. That is worse than a clean break where they can grow up in a house that does not have mommy and daddy fighting and not acting like they love each other.

 

I had a girlfriend once who cried when I told her that I love her. She grew up in a house like yours. Parents never showed any intimacy. She said that no one very told her that before or showed her what intimacy was like. Do you want your kids to think marriage is a cold and heartless thing?

[sandylee1]

Do you have a good relationships with your children?

 

Do you actually spend time with them and do activities with them?

 

Do you prepare meals for them, get them bathed and dressed...read stories to them?

 

If you aren't actually a part of their lives in this way, it will probably be easy enough for your wife to turn them against you.

 

I suggest you sort out somewhere to live....then take your kids to one side and explain that you love them very much, but aren't getting on with mummy and will be living somewhere else.

 

Be alone for a while, as opposed to leaving for another woman.

 

Arrange regular nights that you will have them.

 

You can't be getting blackmailed like this.

 

I really don't understand the lack of self respect a wife has to accept her husband having a mistress.

[BaileyB]

Well, it certainly sounds like you are stuck between a rock and a hard place...

 

You have a wife at home who apparently doesn't require monogamy but does require your presence and paycheck to maintain her standard of living. And, to keep this, she manipulates you in the worst way possible - by threatening to turn your children against you.

 

And you also have another woman, with whom you do want to have a monogamous relationship, but she dropped you like a hot potato when she found out you had sex and were staying wih your wife. So now, you are realizing that this woman is not so easily trusted...

 

I don't blame you for feeling confused, because this is a terrible place to be. The bottom line - you find yourself in not one, but two, very unhealthy and dysfunctional relationships. If it was me, I would be walking away from both of these women...

[wmacbride]

You're worried that your wife will make your kids hate you if you divorce. How will they feel when they are older and discover that you've had a mistress while propping up some bogus marriage?

 

 

OP,

 

If this happens, your kids will not look at you the same way.

 

Like I said, you don't come off as bad guy at all, just someone who is spinning his wheels but going nowhere.

[Thingsfallapart]

She has been messaging me all night to say that she wants to be with me and she is depressed... But there is a guy who she says is just a friend but who I know she is trying to move on with...

 

Some of the posts above were beautiful to be honest because I am stuck between a rock and a hard place...

 

I have an extremely close relationship with my kids but they are still in elementary school. They are both very sensitive and wouldn't understand at all.

 

I know my wife is manipulating me to stay...

 

And the other woman, who I do love and believe is my soulmate and loves me, is also manipulative and lies to cover her indiscretions. So I'm not sure whether I can truly trust her and she is still trying to force me to decide and give her a guarantee for the future...

 

I am so confused and feel split into two all the time...

[BaileyB]

And the other woman, who I do love and believe is my soulmate and loves me, is also manipulative and lies to cover her indiscretions. So I'm not sure whether I can truly trust her and she is still trying to force me to decide and give her a guarantee for the future...

 

With all due respect, a woman who is manipulative and lies to cover her indiscretions doesn't deserve to be trusted... You must think with your head, and not your heart. There is too much at stake to do otherwise. You would be a silly man to trust this woman.

 

Further, a woman who really loves you wouldn't behave this way...

 

The responsibility you have is to your children. They didn't ask to be born into a loveless, dysfunctional marriage or to a man who out his own selfish needs above their own. I'm not saying that you should stay with their mother... I'm just saying, be the kind of man and the kind of father that would make your children proud.

 

Wmacbride is right, you don't sound like a bad man. You sound like a man who trusted (two) of the wrong women and finds himself in a difficult situation - all of your own making. I hope you find a good path with your life...

Edited September 25, 2017 by BaileyB

[Thingsfallapart]

And to clarify;

 

I always told my OW that I understood that there would be other guys and while I would be jealous it was ok as long as she was just open about it. But every time I've asked her about it she always lies to my face until I find out on my own or pester her for the truth...

I just don't understand why she can never just be honest about it...

[BaileyB]

And to clarify;

 

I always told my OW that I understood that there would be other guys and while I would be jealous it was ok as long as she was just open about it. But every time I've asked her about it she always lies to my face until I find out on my own or pester her for the truth...

I just don't understand why she can never just be honest about it...

 

Not to be disrespectful, but you expect honesty from a woman who is having an affair with a married man... Do you see the irony in that? It's like expecting honor among thieves?

 

I can appreciate that you were honest with her, and you expect honesty in return... Just saying, cheaters by their very nature are liars. It's very rare for a man to be honest with his wife and for his wife to say... "Continue on, I don't mind if you cheat just don't tell me about it."

 

Most women, would have told you where to go when they learned you were married. She slept with you on the very first day she met you. It's probably fair to assume that she doesn't have the best moral compass...

 

When somebody shows you who they really are, believe them... We are truly foolish if we don't - if we continue to believe they are who we want them to be...

Edited September 25, 2017 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

One more thought... Let's say that she is sleeping with other men - either while on a break from your relationship or during your relationship. Are you prepare to put your own health at risk if this woman comes "home" with an STD. And what about your wife? You said that you had sex with her... Do you not owe it to your wife to be sure that you are not also putting her health at risk? Does she really deserve to be exposed to this woman and all her partners, and all their partners...

 

Lots to think about when you are considering staying with this other woman... Lots to think about if you can't trust that she would be honest or faithful to you.

[somanymistakes]

Most women, would have told you where to go when they learned you were married. She slept with you on the very first day she met you. It's probably fair to assume that she doesn't have the best moral compass...

 

He'd be a huge hypocrite to judge her for that, considering his part in it. Anything that can be said about her moral compass can be said about his, and more.

[BaileyB]

He'd be a huge hypocrite to judge her for that, considering his part in it. Anything that can be said about her moral compass can be said about his, and more.

 

Agreed. Just pointing out the obvious... Perhaps, it's not possible to expect honesty or fidelity from this woman...

 

Just because he is "monogamous" in the affair, it doesn't mean that she is - perhaps, far from it.

[oceansaway]

Sorry...Don't mean to be rude, however how can you expect her to not have a normal regular relationship with another male?? You have no right Being jealous or anything else....YOU ARE MARRIED...SHE ISN'T.

[magnesium]

No good can come of the other woman OP.

 

It sounds like she has mental health issues of some kind. I'm thinking she may be a psychopath, in that the instant connection you feel is just her mirroring your best parts of yourself back onto you.

 

What I'm saying is that this woman herself may not have an actual identity of her own. That's why she is also with other men. She mirrors back their best qualities onto them, making it feel like there is an instant connection.

 

For all you know all the confusion and stuff is just her purposely messing with your head to keep you in the fog. As long as she is getting her thrill of screwing married men, it makes her feel significant.

 

The day you leave your family for this woman, is the same day she will lose interest in you, because the thrill is over. The ultimate win for her is if she successfully ruins your family...imagine how significant that must make her feel.

[BTDT2012]

She has been messaging me all night to say that she wants to be with me and she is depressed... But there is a guy who she says is just a friend but who I know she is trying to move on with...

 

Some of the posts above were beautiful to be honest because I am stuck between a rock and a hard place...

 

I have an extremely close relationship with my kids but they are still in elementary school. They are both very sensitive and wouldn't understand at all.

 

I know my wife is manipulating me to stay...

 

And the other woman, who I do love and believe is my soulmate and loves me, is also manipulative and lies to cover her indiscretions. So I'm not sure whether I can truly trust her and she is still trying to force me to decide and give her a guarantee for the future...

 

I am so confused and feel split into two all the time...

 

You feel split in two because you are a cake eater. You are married and still having sex with your wife, so you can hardly call your AP's dealings with other men "indiscretions". If you don't want to be with your wife, leave her. Your wife can't destroy and extremely close relationship with your children.

[wmacbride]

She has been messaging me all night to say that she wants to be with me and she is depressed... But there is a guy who she says is just a friend but who I know she is trying to move on with...

 

Some of the posts above were beautiful to be honest because I am stuck between a rock and a hard place...

 

I have an extremely close relationship with my kids but they are still in elementary school. They are both very sensitive and wouldn't understand at all.

 

I know my wife is manipulating me to stay...

 

And the other woman, who I do love and believe is my soulmate and loves me, is also manipulative and lies to cover her indiscretions. So I'm not sure whether I can truly trust her and she is still trying to force me to decide and give her a guarantee for the future...

 

I am so confused and feel split into two all the time...

 

 

This is love? You say she lies and manipulates and it sure doesn't sound like you trust her....and you think she's your soul mate?

 

Seriously,think about that...