painful affair end

[Noideanow]

Ok only you know, whats between you and her,

But If she is the insecure type she may Be handling it This way and thinking she has to Make you jealous to get you, instead of just walking away when she felt Hurt.. Hope you find out the truth, your soul knows everything, just relax cry and feel every emotion you have, and no matter what a true love is out there for you If you end your marriage, please live according to your feelings, youll Be fine*

[knabe]

She is just damaged and weak and gets used, I think...

 

I find it interesting that you care so much more about the OW and her moving on than the children and wife your choices devastated. That says a lot about you. What are YOU doing to become better than that....or do you want to?

[wmacbride]

No tonight I found out she had been lying about something for a long time that she lied to my face about many times and made me believe I was going crazy. She completely gas lit me.

Tonight I saw her for what she really is - a very poisonous person.

I can't believe I loved her so much and it wasn't even real for her.

I really wasted so much love and time on her and she wasn't who I really thought she was at all...

 

And when I tried to talk about it, she called me crazy and told me to f*** myself and then she blocked my calls...

 

Oh god...

 

Please, please PLEASE tell your wife about this, so she can protect herself. About ten years later, I'm still dealing with my spouse's ex-ow. In her mind, I am responsible for all her troubles. I've been through everything from her trying to convince my husband , who was deployed at the time, that I was cheating on him, to her sending me dozens of messages telling me she hated me, that she was going to harm herself and it woudl be my fault, and worse.

 

Even worse, she went after my children, who were very young at the time.

 

If the ow in your situation is as unstable as you say, you don't know how she'll act out.

[wmacbride]

The more you Can put yourself in her shoes and Try to understand her feelings and excuse to her what you have done, (she trusted you but should also have listened to her gutfeelings way in the beginning to protect herself (-and you)) the better a chance you have at making her forgive,

To understand How lt feels to Be her Try to imagine roles opposite: You love her she loves you you Are free, she is married, you Make love, she goes home to her husband, tells you she is staying for the kids- i think you would ghost her\ignore her immediately:cool:

 

This is very questionable advice.

 

his woman sounds like she is unstable. She may well need help, and the op is in no position to give it.

[Thingsfallapart]

And I think a lot of people misunderstood me.

I was the one chasing her and trying really hard to mend everything.

I told her if she could just be honest with me I would D my wife and be with her.

But she couldn't even be honest with me about anything and it took a strange guy messaging me on a social networking site that she'd been with him and told all about us and our affair to him...

 

This woman, I have realized tonight was 100% poison who tried to force me to D even though she couldn't even tell me one honest truth about anything.

 

I honestly think that she seriously has Border Line personality Disorder or something.

 

The one night stands ( to get revenge on me - her words)

Her compulsive lying

Her constant threats to take her own life

Cutting herself if I asked too many questions about things she lied about

Gas lighting me constantly to believe I as crazy

Her mirroring me and what I wanted

Her switching from loving and devoted to hateful and angry

The amazing sex where she would literally do anything anywhere

 

It's evident that I have been deluding myself the whole time and who and what I loved wasn't real it was only a figment of my imagination

 

As yes for some reason since high school I have always attracted the crazy women I don't know why

 

But this is the first woman who ever played me like a violin

I was completely taken in and destroyed by her and I know if I had left my family for her she would have got bored and cheated

 

I can't understand how she could fake love like that

And blame everything on me

 

My only wish now is that she leaves me alone so I can forget about all this sh**

Which is ok maybe as she has block my cell number and my emailand blocked me on social media...

Edited September 26, 2017 by Thingsfallapart

[BaileyB]

Yes, you have been deluding yourself for a long time...

 

YOU should be blocking HER! You can only hope now that she will walk away and leave you alone...

[1966Seahorse]

And I do hope you are going to go no contact on her .... blocking her on phone, email, social media - the lot - for ever.

 

You need to end the toxicity once and for all.

[Thingsfallapart]

I still feel so angry and hurt, but I suppose that's normal.

[BaileyB]

I know that you have said your wife is aware and has given her consent, as long as you don't tell her of your affairs...

 

But can you appreciate for a moment, that this may be how your wife feels about your marriage... because this is how most betrayed spouses would feel when they learn that their husband and their marriage is not what they thought it was...

 

Just something to think about...

[RemorsefulDG]

But she's still someone who doesn't value fidelity.

 

Fidelity in relation to a married man is an oxymoron. A married man is never faithful to his wife because he is cheating on her with other woman. On the other hand, a married man is constantly cheating on the other woman with his wife.

You should let go of the other woman and let her have a life because you are not ready to divorce and by being involved with the other woman you are robbing her of the most precious gift. Gift of time. She is wasting her time on you.

[ayoung73]

Thingsfallapart, wow, I really am at a loss here, I am sorry you are struggling in life and are in pain, I even looked to other posts for advice guidance and was amazed at the lack of conviction regarding your family and what is happening.

 

You love your children, you loved your wife, but no longer…what do you think your children, once grown, will say and think about you and your despicable behavior? You are treating your wife, she is still your wife, a person you vowed to love and honor or cherish in sickness and in health, or a near facsimile to these words, with utter disdain and subjecting her to abuse. Your behavior suggests so many things, get help, go to your pastor or therapist and pour your heart out PLEASE!!! Allow a spiritual or mental health professional to give you advice! Let your wife go, your children will respect and love you more for not torturing their mother for decades…have you thought about this, at all, the damage and pain you’re causing your wife? If your kids aren’t old enough now they soon will be and kids are smart, they pick up on everything, they’ll know what you’re doing to their mother and will hate you! If you love your kids as much as you claim, well, either work on your marriage or leave your wife, she won’t give you a divorce is nothing but a copout, a quick internet search will let you know that it’s possible to get a divorce even if one party is unwilling.

 

Please, if you are bent on fulfilling only your own selfish needs, LET YOUR WIFE GO and spare your children the pain of watching you treat their mother with disgust and disrespect…they will learn this is how a woman is to be treated and this is how a relationship between a man and a woman is supposed to be, thereby continuing the cycle of abuse. Let her go, get some help, and repair the relationship with your family. I’m sorry to be so blunt, but I feel for you and your family, if no one else is willing to be frank with you I will…stop being selfish, honor your vows, repair your marriage or move on. At the very least, think about what I’ve said!

[Noideanow]

Stop it Aroung73 his wife doesnt love him,

He shouldnt waste one more minute,

And stop using kids guilt, its Sick no child wants their parants not to experience love- Here it is about honesty. you Can live a life sacrificing your own wants and needs but thats against every single cell in nature its simply Sick, caused by guilttriggering manipulative upbringing with no love at all, if it comes from society or parents doesnt matter- ITS SICK- and you Will regret you lived your life that way/ stop dragging it on to other, i feel sorry for your children though- what a life

[Thingsfallapart]

What's with all the nasty judgements.

 

I'm just someone who is in a lot of pain and is reaching out for some kind of advice or help...

 

How do your nasty judgments help my situation at all?

 

I have made mistakes. But so does everyone. I just have to learn from them.

 

This site is basically a support group for the broken hearted and that's all it should be.

 

If I wanted judgments I would have spoken to other people...

[knabe]

Stop it Aroung73 his wife doesnt love him,

He shouldnt waste one more minute,

And stop using kids guilt, its Sick no child wants their parants not to experience love- Here it is about honesty. you Can live a life sacrificing your own wants and needs but thats against every single cell in nature its simply Sick, caused by guilttriggering manipulative upbringing with no love at all, if it comes from society or parents doesnt matter- ITS SICK- and you Will regret you lived your life that way/ stop dragging it on to other, i feel sorry for your children though- what a life

 

Are you kidding me??? Kids the OP's children's age want mommy and daddy together....and they DON'T want daddy to have a girlfriend.

 

I am continually abashed at the twisted morals I encounter in this world.

[Noideanow]

No they dont Been there done that,

Somerimes they Even run away from an unhappy home:( so Make sure you keep the locks on your door..

Without love and compassion and total acceptance and truth to\following your own deepest desires of your soul You cannot Be a loving parent, you Can then be loving only when they do as pleases you and you Will lack energy and compassion the very Things you dont show yourself- and not only your kids Will suffer but everybody Else around you- and you Will teach your kids to not Be true to themselves- go for love and trust that the World is a loving Place full of abundance for those who love- im afraid you and likeminded Are people who Will sacrifice your happiness for that of others which means that Now in Return they Will have to keep you happy- so that way codepency in the negative way is created since nobody is ALLOWED to look out for their own interests and both" keep each other miserable and therefore more scared and dependent on eachother. i have witnessed children light up at sight of two people in love, they take on the positive energy as sponges.. Same goes with bad feelings-(

Keep yourself happpy do as pleases you and let everybody Else do the same- look How much you Can then benefit each other\ how much fun- compassion- dynamic - love energy would be there at your command- really people who are so afraid and thinking\controlled as you recommend to be- they are just plain boring to be around\scaryli depressed- and need a little too much alcohol to feel good and set themselves free as their souls command them to do*

[merrmeade]

No they dont Been there done that,

Somerimes they Even run away from an unhappy home:( so Make sure you keep the locks on your door..

Without love and compassion and total acceptance and truth to\following your own deepest desires of your soul You cannot Be a loving parent, you Can then be loving only when they do as pleases you and you Will lack energy and compassion the very Things you dont show yourself- and not only your kids Will suffer but everybody Else around you- and you Will teach your kids to not Be true to themselves- go for love and trust that the World is a loving Place full of abundance for those who love- im afraid you and likeminded Are people who Will sacrifice your happiness for that of others which means that Now in Return they Will have to keep you happy- so that way codepency in the negative way is created since nobody is ALLOWED to look out for their own interests and both" keep each other miserable and therefore more scared and dependent on eachother. i have witnessed children light up at sight of two people in love, they take on the positive energy as sponges.. Same goes with bad feelings-(

Keep yourself happpy do as pleases you and let everybody Else do the same- look How much you Can then benefit each other\ how much fun- compassion- dynamic - love energy would be there at your command- really people who are so afraid and thinking\controlled as you recommend to be- they are just plain boring to be around\scaryli depressed- and need a little too much alcohol to feel good and set themselves free as their souls command them to do*

Decent version of Objectivist philosophy, Ayn Rand's brainchild, or rational individualusm. EVERYBODY should just agree to be selfish in all things AND (very important) unemotionally objective about it. Thus, selfishness becomes the norm, rather than a negative, and no one is judged for it.

 

Therefore, no sadness or anger when you get cheated on. Her (selfish) choice.

No 2nd thought to what's good for the kids.

No expectation to make sacrifice or compromise.

No problem.

No whining.

No complaining.

No sympathy.

Just suck it up and stop whining.

No one's listening becaus, if you'd just do your own thing like they do, you'd know better.

Everybody just needs to get on freaking board.

 

OP needs to put himself first simply because that's all he's got right now.

[Noideanow]

if somebody cheats on you, i would say you are lucky to find out that they didnt love you truly, and finally you can wake up to that truth- that you choose wrong- and you have a chance to be happier all around after that because before that you were not content but just not aware of why or thinking it was normal what you experienced.

 

also to think of ones own needs is absolutely neccesary- as i wrote- to be able to consider and take care of or help anybody else you love-

 

so what you write simply suggests you have not understood- but just want to dismiss and keep the role of a spoiled victim- that is not healthy for you or anybody around you- so maybe i shouldnt give you this attention- but i care for life and if i see injustice or a child crying or being treated poorly i LOOK and try to comfort it- not turning the blind eye to- thinking we live in a harch world thats their problem- no that will be my problem or my childrens problem later on if nobody stops this lack of compassion- like now you are maybe somebodys problem- or i hope not and it is just a misunderstanding of words- at least i would like to think im "talkin english;)

[knabe]

if somebody cheats on you, i would say you are lucky to find out that they didnt love you truly, and finally you can wake up to that truth- that you choose wrong- and you have a chance to be happier all around after that because before that you were not content but just not aware of why or thinking it was normal what you experienced.

 

also to think of ones own needs is absolutely neccesary- as i wrote- to be able to consider and take care of or help anybody else you love-

 

so what you write simply suggests you have not understood- but just want to dismiss and keep the role of a spoiled victim- that is not healthy for you or anybody around you- so maybe i shouldnt give you this attention- but i care for life and if i see injustice or a child crying or being treated poorly i LOOK and try to comfort it- not turning the blind eye to- thinking we live in a harch world thats their problem- no that will be my problem or my childrens problem later on if nobody stops this lack of compassion- like now you are maybe somebodys problem- or i hope not and it is just a misunderstanding of words- at least i would like to think im "talkin english;)

 

I'll admit I have an extremely hard time following your style of writing, but it sounds like you are saying it is okay to be dishonest and hurt someone as long as it makes you happy?

[Noideanow]

no not at all, you tell the truth because there is nothing to be ashamed of- you are honest and considerate- and tell what you feel and show understanding of the way other feel- if they hurt, you try to help them out but without compromising your own feelings/ making yourself feel bad- should be logical like if you dont feel like licking someones as you dont do it just because it makes them feel good and they are used to it- even if you used to do it and they now will go crazy when you stop- you stop and say im sorry i wasnt true to myself when i did it- too bad it hurts, thats life- it will pass:cool:

[knabe]

no not at all, you tell the truth because there is nothing to be ashamed of- you are honest and considerate- and tell what you feel and show understanding of the way other feel- if they hurt you try to help them out but without compromising your own feelings/ making yourself feel bad- should be logical like if you dont feel like licking someones as you dont do it just because it makes them feel good and they are used to it- even if you used to do it and they now will go crazy when you stop- you stop and say im sorry i wasnt true to myself when i did it- too bad it hurts, thats life- it will pass:cool:

 

So....yes, it is okay to hurt someone as long as you are being true to yourself.

 

Sorry, I have a conscience, and I don't own a hookah pipe , so I can't do this.

[Noideanow]

I know some people have partners who are extremely dependent on them psychologically, and in that case it would be difficult to say darlin´im not in love with you/ or i would like to change things/ be free to love somebody else- or how to say it: with those dangerously dependent people maybe one would have to cry when telling the truth or simply dissapear or fake a kidnapping or something:( to think of a good way of doing it with somebody dangeroulsy unempatic i would say thats difficult: do anybody have genious advice? other than doing it under counseling so a third party is there..

[Noideanow]

you say you cant hurt someones feelings, rather hurt your own by faking (and theirs),

but why are you afraid of that? do you actually also depend on them, their goodwill? inspite of you living unfulfilled- that creates a mass of fakeness hurting everybody right?

[sandylee1]

OP

 

What's the actual problem with your wife? Dont you find her attractive? Is it her personality?

 

She can't be that bad of you're still sleeping with her surely.

 

Is there a chance marriage counselling would help?

 

Perhaps through counselling, she'll realise how unhappy you are and see that the marriage has run its course.

 

You don't have to end your marriage because there's someone else...ending it when there's no-one else is less acrimonious.

 

As for the OW, you've seen her for who she is.

[lostgirl87]

So....yes, it is okay to hurt someone as long as you are being true to yourself.

 

Sorry, I have a conscience, and I don't own a hookah pipe , so I can't do this.

So you stay married to someone you're no longer happy with just b/c it'll hurt their feelings and you have a conscience? That's ludicrous.

[Veronica73]

no not at all, you tell the truth because there is nothing to be ashamed of- you are honest and considerate- and tell what you feel and show understanding of the way other feel- if they hurt, you try to help them out but without compromising your own feelings/ making yourself feel bad- should be logical like if you dont feel like licking someones as you dont do it just because it makes them feel good and they are used to it- even if you used to do it and they now will go crazy when you stop- you stop and say im sorry i wasnt true to myself when i did it- too bad it hurts, thats life- it will pass:cool:

 

Looking at it one way, this seems perfectly reasonable and sane, and I can imagine a kind, decent human being saying this. On the other hand, I can imagine a horrible, selfish, sociopathic person saying basically the same thing.

 

So... I’m imagining, if you’re not a sociopath... perhaps you have Buddhist tendencies. But if that’s true, and the person you are with isn’t that way...isn’t that kind of cruel to subject him/her to your whims and beliefs? Like...”I know, and knew you don’t practice my whole philosophy of detachment... but too bad.” And frankly, I think that whole philosophy of detachment is kind of effed up. I mean, attachment to a certain extent is healthy, in my view.

 

But I may be going totally off on a completely unrelated tangent.