painful affair end

[wmacbride]

And to clarify;

 

I always told my OW that I understood that there would be other guys and while I would be jealous it was ok as long as she was just open about it. But every time I've asked her about it she always lies to my face until I find out on my own or pester her for the truth...

I just don't understand why she can never just be honest about it...

 

This one is too easy...

 

The reason she does this is because it's who she is. Some people are such success lairs because they just don't care.

 

I would highly suggest you get some sort of impartial counseling, as your "relationship picker" is off

[deadsoul]

She has been messaging me all night to say that she wants to be with me and she is depressed... But there is a guy who she says is just a friend but who I know she is trying to move on with...

 

Some of the posts above were beautiful to be honest because I am stuck between a rock and a hard place...

 

I have an extremely close relationship with my kids but they are still in elementary school. They are both very sensitive and wouldn't understand at all.

 

I know my wife is manipulating me to stay...

 

And the other woman, who I do love and believe is my soulmate and loves me, is also manipulative and lies to cover her indiscretions. So I'm not sure whether I can truly trust her and she is still trying to force me to decide and give her a guarantee for the future...

 

I am so confused and feel split into two all the time...

 

Look up limerence. I personally think your "soulmate" is someone who you are able to avoid the issues at hand with. And if your soulmate is manipulative and lies? Is that the kind of future you want? She seems like a lot of drama, unless you like that sort of thing.

 

You feel split in two because you're on a horrible roller coaster ride and you want to get off, but you can't (won't).

 

If your future is with her, do it... but your posts indicate that you know deep down it isn't.

 

Also, think about why you allow the women in your life to manipulate you so much. Your wife and your girlfriend seem to have you by the cajones.

Edited September 26, 2017 by deadsoul

[Thingsfallapart]

OW is beautiful and sexy and funny and kind... why does she keep coming back to me then?

[Thingsfallapart]

I really appreciate everyone's kind and honest responses they are really helping me so much

[whichwayisup]

My wife said she doesn't care if I have a mistress but if I choose to divorce she will make the kids hate me. So I'm stuck. I don't want my kids to see that.

And she said she needs me and wants me but she was the one who wanted to go NC and she was the one that wanted space

 

Then make sure your OW knows that you're in an open marriage and your wife knows and is okay with you having her as a mistress. Make it clear to her that you're not divorcing your wife ever and that it's just an affair. Though I can't see this OW hanging on in that role and getting the short end of the stick forever. Eventually she's going to want marriage and kids from you.

 

I still think you should at least try counseling with your wife. What changed between you two? When did you fall out of love with your wife? before or after you met your OW?

 

Right now your OW is all over the map emotionally which is why NC won't stick.

[whichwayisup]

OW is beautiful and sexy and funny and kind... why does she keep coming back to me then?

 

She's weak in the knees for you. Can't stay away from you because she's addicted to how you make her feel (and vice versa).

[whichwayisup]

She has been messaging me all night to say that she wants to be with me and she is depressed... But there is a guy who she says is just a friend but who I know she is trying to move on with...

 

Some of the posts above were beautiful to be honest because I am stuck between a rock and a hard place...

 

I have an extremely close relationship with my kids but they are still in elementary school. They are both very sensitive and wouldn't understand at all.

 

I know my wife is manipulating me to stay...

 

And the other woman, who I do love and believe is my soulmate and loves me, is also manipulative and lies to cover her indiscretions. So I'm not sure whether I can truly trust her and she is still trying to force me to decide and give her a guarantee for the future...

 

I am so confused and feel split into two all the time...

 

Your wife loves you and is fighting to keep you! Not sure that's manipulative. Should she just hand you over to the OW and give up without a fight? You're not divorcing her, you're still sleeping in the same bed as her, having sex with her so in her mind the marriage isn't over. You're doing and saying the opposite things to her and to the OW.

[whichwayisup]

And to clarify;

 

I always told my OW that I understood that there would be other guys and while I would be jealous it was ok as long as she was just open about it. But every time I've asked her about it she always lies to my face until I find out on my own or pester her for the truth...

I just don't understand why she can never just be honest about it...

 

Have you told the OW that you're still having sex with your wife? If she asks, are you completely honest about intimacy at home? Do you tell her that you and your wife still do family outings, share laughs, share moments, spend time with family and friends?

 

The OW isn't obligated to tell you who she dates when you're at home with your wife.

[Thingsfallapart]

I hate dishonesty so have been honest about everything to both my wife and my OW. OW gets angry if I tell her about my wife and my wife said she doesn't want to know anything either.

 

 

OW has been messaging me all day asking me back and saying she wants to be with me but doesn't want my married situation anymore so I need to give her a guarantee.

I spoke to her on the phone and she said the same things. However, there is no love in her voice anymore. She just seems pissed off...

 

The truth is now after everything that's happened, I'm not sure I would date her even if I got a divorce because of the lying etc. but she said she only does like that stuff because we are not in a proper relationship. For the meeting the other guys I can understand that, and have empathy but I can't understand the lying.

 

And I can't understand why she seems kind of hateful while at the same time saying she wants a future with me and while at the same time messaging another guy...

[1966Seahorse]

Hi Thingsfallapart,

 

You stated this in an earlier post -

 

"And the other woman, who I do love and believe is my soulmate and loves me, is also manipulative and lies to cover her indiscretions. So I'm not sure whether I can truly trust her ...... "

 

If this is what a soulmate is and how someone acts that loves you then ... wow ... I hope I never find my soulmate.

[Thingsfallapart]

Mmm good point

[Noideanow]

Right now she probably is sitting someplace waiting for you- but you are in here:cool: She probably wish there was a little more animal in you and mother nature while watching you is changing the recipe of man right Now for future generations:D This is serious

[Thingsfallapart]

That's stellar advice...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Not

[Just a Guy]

Hi OP, I'm sorry but I have read only the first page of your thread and then come to the last one. I do not know if this has been said before or not but, apparently you have been wanting your cake and eating it too for the last two years with your AP. The fact is that from what you have written she is apparently single and is seven years younger than you. As a woman she is probably looking for a stable productive relationship with a man with whom she can eventually settle down. She may have initially harboured hopes that you would leave your wife and commit to her inspire of saying that you were not going to leave your kids. She must have thought that as you developed deeper feelings for her, you would feel compelled to choose her over your wife. Well you ended up disappointing her and so she started looking elsewhere. Also, the fact that she is single leads one to think that she is sampling the field and sowing her wild oats before she settles down to a monogamous family life with the man of her choice. You certainly, do not figure in her radar because you have proved to be unreliable. She will chalk you up to a good experience in sex and infatuation and that is all. Love does not come into the picture at all.

Look at it this way. You are cheating with her on your wife so she knows you are a cheater. She probably figures that once your infatuation for her is over you will cheat on her too. In her mind you are a known cheater. Of course she too, is an accomplice in your cheating but she probably does not look at it that way. For her it will be a failed relationship and she comes out of it smelling of roses. Why should she then commit to you knowing that you will likely cheat on her in the future. If you feel bad about that well then you have only yourself to blame. Actions speak louder than words and your actions have been broadcasting your characteristics from the roof tops. Maybe time for you to mull things over and re commit to your wife. Warm wishes.

[BluesPower]

OP, I just have to say...

 

Look, you really need to wise up here. Now you are probably cute enough to go out and get laid by a variety of women, but lots of us are like that. You are decent enough in the sack to get them to want to be with you, yeah, been there as well.

 

If you are non-monogamous, which is fine, I am basically that was as well, then just embrace it and live that life.

 

But if you are catching feelings for a woman like that, you are really being foolish. If your wife wants to keep you enough to allow you a mistress or two, then go with it if you want too.

 

Emotionally you are just not up for doing what you are doing. You are falling in love with your mistress, who, is basically screwing every guy that she can, and wants you not to have sex with your wife. That is just as hypocritical as you being jealous over her other men. And, she is single and she has every right to have as much sex as she wants, with anyone she wants too.

 

If you are going to play this game, you have to change your perspective on things and understand that sex is just sex. And what you feel for her is really not love, not the real kind of love.

 

I am not judging you in any way, but it is time for you to get real about several things:

 

1) Your mistress is not long term relationship material. She may enjoy you sexually and other ways, she may just want the ego stroke of stealing another woman's husband, or she may just like to have sex with multiple men, you really don't know.

 

2) You really have no idea how crazy your mistress is, because you have not spent enough time (out of the affair) with her to really know yet.

 

3) Your wife may not always be so understanding of your need to multiple woman or the need for the mistress.

 

4) At some point if you are not already there yet, one or both of your women will want you exclusively. (This is how most women are, not every single one but most.)

 

If you really don't want to have multiple women, it really is time to man up and decide to divorce and live an honest life. Or, if you can have a good marriage with your wife, maybe with an open marriage, then cool.

 

But right now you are letting two different women, drag you around by the balls, and brother, that is no way to live...

[wmacbride]

OW is beautiful and sexy and funny and kind... why does she keep coming back to me then?

 

No she is not kind A kind person doesn't manipulate you like this.

 

If you view your wife badly for what you see as manipulating you, then this woman is no better.

 

Why do you choose to get involved with women like this? What part of your personality/mindset does it feed?

 

Do you really enjoy all this drama?

[wmacbride]

I hate dishonesty so have been honest about everything to both my wife and my OW. OW gets angry if I tell her about my wife and my wife said she doesn't want to know anything either.

 

 

OW has been messaging me all day asking me back and saying she wants to be with me but doesn't want my married situation anymore so I need to give her a guarantee.

I spoke to her on the phone and she said the same things. However, there is no love in her voice anymore. She just seems pissed off...

 

The truth is now after everything that's happened, I'm not sure I would date her even if I got a divorce because of the lying etc. but she said she only does like that stuff because we are not in a proper relationship. For the meeting the other guys I can understand that, and have empathy but I can't understand the lying.

 

And I can't understand why she seems kind of hateful while at the same time saying she wants a future with me and while at the same time messaging another guy...

 

Tan this one is easy, She wants you now because she can;t have you. Once she has you, her eye will start to wander because it's not per se "you" she wants. It's the drama of the situation, the affirmation she will feel if she thinks she was able to convince you to leave your wife for her. After that, what else is there? She will need to keep proving to herself that she has worth by cheating.

 

From what you say, in at lot of ways, this is her personality type and she may even be aware she's doing this. It's second nature to her. Some people are like a bottomless pit for emotions.

[wmacbride]

Hi OP, I'm sorry but I have read only the first page of your thread and then come to the last one. I do not know if this has been said before or not but, apparently you have been wanting your cake and eating it too for the last two years with your AP. The fact is that from what you have written she is apparently single and is seven years younger than you. As a woman she is probably looking for a stable productive relationship with a man with whom she can eventually settle down. She may have initially harboured hopes that you would leave your wife and commit to her inspire of saying that you were not going to leave your kids. She must have thought that as you developed deeper feelings for her, you would feel compelled to choose her over your wife. Well you ended up disappointing her and so she started looking elsewhere. Also, the fact that she is single leads one to think that she is sampling the field and sowing her wild oats before she settles down to a monogamous family life with the man of her choice. You certainly, do not figure in her radar because you have proved to be unreliable. She will chalk you up to a good experience in sex and infatuation and that is all. Love does not come into the picture at all.

Look at it this way. You are cheating with her on your wife so she knows you are a cheater. She probably figures that once your infatuation for her is over you will cheat on her too. In her mind you are a known cheater. Of course she too, is an accomplice in your cheating but she probably does not look at it that way. For her it will be a failed relationship and she comes out of it smelling of roses. Why should she then commit to you knowing that you will likely cheat on her in the future. If you feel bad about that well then you have only yourself to blame. Actions speak louder than words and your actions have been broadcasting your characteristics from the roof tops. Maybe time for you to mull things over and re commit to your wife. Warm wishes.

 

you should read the whole thread. Even the op himself,while claiming she's his "Soul mate" then goes on to lament about ow she is manipulative and he feels like he can't trust her ( his words).

[wmacbride]

OP, I just have to say...

 

Look, you really need to wise up here. Now you are probably cute enough to go out and get laid by a variety of women, but lots of us are like that. You are decent enough in the sack to get them to want to be with you, yeah, been there as well.

 

If you are non-monogamous, which is fine, I am basically that was as well, then just embrace it and live that life.

 

But if you are catching feelings for a woman like that, you are really being foolish. If your wife wants to keep you enough to allow you a mistress or two, then go with it if you want too.

 

Emotionally you are just not up for doing what you are doing. You are falling in love with your mistress, who, is basically screwing every guy that she can, and wants you not to have sex with your wife. That is just as hypocritical as you being jealous over her other men. And, she is single and she has every right to have as much sex as she wants, with anyone she wants too.

 

If you are going to play this game, you have to change your perspective on things and understand that sex is just sex. And what you feel for her is really not love, not the real kind of love.

 

I am not judging you in any way, but it is time for you to get real about several things:

 

1) Your mistress is not long term relationship material. She may enjoy you sexually and other ways, she may just want the ego stroke of stealing another woman's husband, or she may just like to have sex with multiple men, you really don't know.

 

2) You really have no idea how crazy your mistress is, because you have not spent enough time (out of the affair) with her to really know yet.

 

3) Your wife may not always be so understanding of your need to multiple woman or the need for the mistress.

 

4) At some point if you are not already there yet, one or both of your women will want you exclusively. (This is how most women are, not every single one but most.)

 

If you really don't want to have multiple women, it really is time to man up and decide to divorce and live an honest life. Or, if you can have a good marriage with your wife, maybe with an open marriage, then cool.

 

But right now you are letting two different women, drag you around by the balls, and brother, that is no way to live...

 

Add to this...whatever you do, use protection when having sex and get yourself tested monthly so long as you are having sex with your wife. If your ow is sleeping around, which is her right,she could well catch something, pass it along and then you will pass it along to your wife.

 

Under any circumstances, DO NOT GET YOUR OW PREGNANT!!!!!! I can not stress that enough. You thin she's manipulative now? Just wait and see how bad it gets if you have a child together.

 

btw...don't forget you are the father of some very young children. How about taking a bit of time away from all of this turmoil and focus all of your attention on them fora little while ( when i say that , I don't mean to imply they aren't already the centre of your world,just that, if all your attention is on them, it may hep to give you some perspective and time to think)

Edited September 26, 2017 by wmacbride

[wmacbride]

op,

 

there aren't a lot of times on here when the majority agree, but this s one of those times.

 

Simply put, when it comes to both your marriage and your ow, either sh@t or get off the pot ( excuse my language).

[Thingsfallapart]

We met tonight and she was really nasty and went crazy...

so she made the choice for me as she ran away screaming I don't want you when I said I loved her

[BaileyB]

We met tonight and she was really nasty and went crazy...

so she made the choice for me as she ran away screaming I don't want you when I said I loved her

 

Not surprised. Hopefully, she will just walk away and not make life miserable for you and your family.

 

I would suggest that you consider counselling - you have a few things to figure out related to the future of your marriage and your "relationship picker" is definitely a little off...

[Ahurtgirl]

She over reacted because she was so hurt by you. Way to go. You could have tried harder to be with her instead of making her feel like she was an after thought during the month apart. I loved my ex AP more than anything but I'd be a mess if he ever came back into my life and would push him away because of how bad he hurt me by choosing his wife. I don't think my ex APs marriage will last but he's a serial cheater. I guess I'm lucky to be off the drama train and when his marriage goes up in smoke, it wouldn't be due to my involvement.

You shouldn't have strung her along for two years!

[Noideanow]

The more you Can put yourself in her shoes and Try to understand her feelings and excuse to her what you have done, (she trusted you but should also have listened to her gutfeelings way in the beginning to protect herself (-and you)) the better a chance you have at making her forgive,

To understand How lt feels to Be her Try to imagine roles opposite: You love her she loves you you Are free, she is married, you Make love, she goes home to her husband, tells you she is staying for the kids- i think you would ghost her\ignore her immediately:cool:

[Thingsfallapart]

No tonight I found out she had been lying about something for a long time that she lied to my face about many times and made me believe I was going crazy. She completely gas lit me.

Tonight I saw her for what she really is - a very poisonous person.

I can't believe I loved her so much and it wasn't even real for her.

I really wasted so much love and time on her and she wasn't who I really thought she was at all...

 

And when I tried to talk about it, she called me crazy and told me to f*** myself and then she blocked my calls...