How do I get my ex back?

[Slayur]

I know the feeling man. Trust me I do. 2 weeks before my ex left me she was chatting about a friend of mine about wanting him to be the best man at our wedding if we were to ever marry. 2 weeks after that she was gone. A long time later, I find out she is pregnant.

 

If there's anything I implore you to do, it is to maintain no contact.

 

The only way.

 

Damn, why are women ruthless. No contact is really hard

[Slayur]

It's going to hurt, there's no way around it. It's part of the healing process. I'm sure you have a million questions, but they make no difference now. She was not honest with what she said, for whatever reason. Her actions spoke loud and clear: She does not want you in her life anymore, she thinks she can do better.

 

The best thing for you to do is to not ever contact her again, and put some effort into yourself, get in shape, and just try to heal. Time has a way of sorting these things out. You're going to have ups and downs. Sometimes you'll feel strong and think "what the heck was I even doing with her?" Other times you'll feel like you aren't going to make it through life without her. It's normal. You just need to battle and you'll come out of it a stronger man.

 

I recently went through a breakup that's of course painful, but when I think about a past breakup with a woman who was my greatest love, this pales in comparison, and I made it through that. I draw strength from it knowing I can endure, and I'm trying to make myself comfortable with the fact that I may be alone for some lengthy period of time after having lived with her for a few years. We need to comfort ourselves. We cannot rely upon others to offer that, or derive our self esteem from external sources.

 

These are just some of my thoughts, but know you are not alone, almost every adult has been through this at some point. When they said "love hurts," they weren't kidding.

 

That is true. Being alone is th worst, but I don't want another woman. We related in so many ways and have great memories together. I cannot see myself doing that again with someone else. This girl was a good girl, went to college and worked, and was thoughtful. I can't let 3 years escape so easily, yet she could? We have not messaged each other but only once 2 days ago and she said one thing and that's it. The feeling of not being wanted truly hurts, especially from the person you want it most from.

[Slayur]

Girlfriend left me about 2 months ago. She left, because she I had no drive. This was because I didn't have a job. I'm a full time college student and I'm about to graduate. Money has never been an issue, and I never depended on her. She could always depend on me and I always helped her financially. We were together for 3 years. I was loving and loyal to her. She's already moved on and really likes this guy at her job. We don't speak at all. I've tried to get her back, but it doesn't work. I can't stop beating myself up over this. If I had just gotten a job sooner, things would have been better. She wouldn't have wandered off to another guy.

[A_New_Earth]

Really feel for you, dude. Three years and then done. It's a pain like no other.

 

Best thing you can do is to imagine yourself in a similar situation. What could your ex have done that would've made you end the relationship? What if she lost her job? Suddenly had no income? Became depressed/ill? Wanted to study at uni?

 

Is there anything you can think of (apart from abuse or cheating) that would've made you dump her?

 

My guess is that no, there isn't. Because that's love. We work through things. We change and adapt.

 

The painful truth, as hard as is it to accept, is that she fell out of love with you a while before she ended the relationship. That's why she seems 'fine' now. She's moved on (emotionally). It's nothing to do with your job etc. because when you really love someone, that sh*t doesn't matter so much.

 

So please don't beat yourself up over not getting a job sooner. It's really nothing to do with it. She would've bailed at some point (unless she's really that 'shallow' - and if she is then you've had a lucky escape).

 

Keep positive, keep posting.

 

Peace to you.

[d0nnivain]

This is the streamlined version of the Q you asked last month: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/633817-how-do-i-get-my-ex-back

 

What are you blaming yourself for? You were a good guy who treated her well. She failed to appreciate that. You did nothing wrong. You could have done everything differently & she still would have left because she wanted to leave.

 

Stop blaming yourself & focus on healing yourself & your up coming graduation.

[Slayur]

This is the streamlined version of the Q you asked last month: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/633817-how-do-i-get-my-ex-back

 

What are you blaming yourself for? You were a good guy who treated her well. She failed to appreciate that. You did nothing wrong. You could have done everything differently & she still would have left because she wanted to leave.

 

Stop blaming yourself & focus on healing yourself & your up coming graduation.

 

It's because it's hard. I'm attached to her. The pain is unbearable of her already moved on and having butterflies for another guy. I keep blaming myself, because I feel like if I only had done better, things would be different.

[Slayur]

Really feel for you, dude. Three years and then done. It's a pain like no other.

 

Best thing you can do is to imagine yourself in a similar situation. What could your ex have done that would've made you end the relationship? What if she lost her job? Suddenly had no income? Became depressed/ill? Wanted to study at uni?

 

Is there anything you can think of (apart from abuse or cheating) that would've made you dump her?

 

My guess is that no, there isn't. Because that's love. We work through things. We change and adapt.

 

The painful truth, as hard as is it to accept, is that she fell out of love with you a while before she ended the relationship. That's why she seems 'fine' now. She's moved on (emotionally). It's nothing to do with your job etc. because when you really love someone, that sh*t doesn't matter so much.

 

So please don't beat yourself up over not getting a job sooner. It's really nothing to do with it. She would've bailed at some point (unless she's really that 'shallow' - and if she is then you've had a lucky escape).

 

Keep positive, keep posting.

 

Peace to you.

 

No, I cannot think of anything that would have made me leave. She did have anger issue and would put me down, but she would apologize for doing that and I would always forgive her. If just hurts that she's having butterflies for another guy. I used to be that guy and wish I still was. I'm here in sorrow, while she's happy. I feel like I lost and she won.

[d0nnivain]

. I keep blaming myself, because I feel like if I only had done better, things would be different.

 

But that is not true. You were a good guy. She left anyway. Her choice was not because you did anything wrong.

[Slayur]

But that is not true. You were a good guy. She left anyway. Her choice was not because you did anything wrong.

 

Then why leave. She tells Everyone I had no drive, so she leaves.

[Highndry]

Then why leave. She tells Everyone I had no drive, so she leaves.

 

She left because she doesn't love or want you anymore, as hard as that is to accept. There is nothing that's going to immediately stop the pain. You might want to start thinking about the negatives of her, because you've got oneitis bad, and you need to shatter that pedestal you're putting her on.

 

I badly miss the companionship and intimacy from my last relationship. It hurts to be alone right now. I also dread the arduous process of finding a new love. I hate disappointing women, and it pains me to date and then let them down, so I long for what I had because it's "safe" vs. the unknown future.

 

That being said, I realize my last gf was really awful for me, and I made an extremely poor decision not only letting her in, but staying with her. I should have listened to my gut and kicked her to the curb in short order, but I found her beautiful on the outside, and was overlooking all the baggage because I was attracted to her. It was a massive mistake, one I'll try to never make again.

 

I say this because you're probably thinking along the lines of scarcity, ie. "I'll never find another like her," but with effort you'll find somebody better, who actually stays with you and wants to fight for the relationship.

[Stercrazy]

Then why leave. She tells Everyone I had no drive, so she leaves.

 

Because she wanted to. It's not about you. Now from a clinical psych stand point it sounds like you have dependency issues. Always take a positive out of a negative. Take this opportunity to work on yourself and be a stronger person.

Good luck.

[Hoosfoos]

Hey pal,

 

Your story really resonates with me. I was in a very similar situation with my ex. We were both finishing degrees simultaneously as mature students when we were together. Upon finishing, she got a good job and I did not. She left me right then and there for better prospects. She also showed me no support or sympathy for my situation, she only just criticized me. So here I was, just having put in a ton of work, rejected by all my potential employers, and she's also gone. You cannot put into words what that did to me. I put in an endless amount of work to help her with her studies which made her life 100% easier. She left me with 1 week prior to her Master's convocation which I helped her get. I wasn't there at the ceremony. She was bragging all over Facebook about having finishing her degree with all her friends and family applauding her. She even texted me a week prior to inform me that her ceremony was the next week (it was not an invitation but just to "inform" me for whatever reason). That part of the breakup absolutely slaughtered me inside, a heartbreak to which no words could describe. It still hurts. I went total no contact with her shortly after that, and not long after, blocked her, her friends and family on social media. I will never speak to her again.

 

She got a cushy job with that degree which allowed her to get a mat leave in order to have someone else's child. It was my efforts for 2 years which helped get her there, and now she's nowhere to be seen.

 

My point is, this kind of behavior is quite common with women. Studies have shown that a lot of women leave guys after achieving success via degrees or grad school. And if their guy lags behind, they leave. When the going gets tough, the women start quitting.

 

I was in terrible shape for at least 8 months. I still haven't gotten over her completely and I haven't dated since. But i haven't let it detract from improving myself. I returned to school in a great technical program and got hired right away (that hurt too because I knew it was a sustainable plan that would have worked, she didn't want to hear about it). I'm making better money than I ever have and there is nothing but upward mobility in my future. I've gotten myself in the best physical shape in my life, and will continue to do so.

 

They way I look at things now, life handed me a challenge that I had to overcome. There was no choice. Not one moment of it was easy. I have managed to create a life and person whose life is now radically different from who I used to be.

 

A long time later, I am still quite heartbroken over what happened. I had/have the same feelings for my ex as you do. But if they were really the ones for us, they would be by our sides, as I write this. Nothing hurts more deeply than betrayal.

 

I know how much this hurts you. I really do. I recommend you find professional help to talk with a impartial professional about the grief. Medication helps too if you are clinically depressed. I still hurt and have all these questions that can never be answered. But eventually I pushed ahead despite how I felt. You can do it too. Maybe not right away, but gradually and with time. If I can do this, anyone can, trust me. I really feel for you, bro. Feel free to message me any time if you need to.

Edited October 21, 2017 by Hoosfoos

[ExpatInItaly]

Then why leave. She tells Everyone I had no drive, so she leaves.

 

Because that sounds a lot less crappy than "I met someone else."

 

Some relationships really do run their course. There is no guarantee she would have stayed even if you'd had a stellar job and were established. Don't be so hard on yourself, OP. It sounds like this wasn't the best relationship if she was prone to putting you down.

[Beachead]

Because she wanted to. It's not about you. Now from a clinical psych stand point it sounds like you have dependency issues. Always take a positive out of a negative. Take this opportunity to work on yourself and be a stronger person.

Good luck.

 

I disagree with that "Clinical Psych" standpoint.

 

He doesn't have any issues. He has what we all call a broken heart. He was in love and locked in a 3 year pattern with someone. 3 years of habits. 3 years worth of attachment. 3 years of planning with her. You don't just eat a bomb like this and turn the switch off and get over it by logically reasoning your way through it. Even if you understand why it happened, your heart will always have a harder time making sense of everything. It's normal.

 

Now as for my take on this.

 

OP, she fell out of love months before she finally got the strength to leave. It feels sudden to you because she made you feel like all was okay when it wasn't. Dumpers don't "suddenly" arrive to these conclusions. The thoughts start to come months prior. Some of them just don't have the strength to leave at the time for particular reasons. And because they've mentally checked out, they only see why the relationship will not work from then on. Over time they collect reasons and build their strength until they get to the point where they are strong enough to end it. She was already a good 60-70% over you while you hadn't even the slightest clue. So now while you're flustered and confused and completely a mess, she's already way passed that. She's had a phenomenal head start. That's why she seems cold. That and the fact that she probably felt guilty for doing this to you.

 

It had nothing to do with the job or money. I hope you know that. It more likely had to do with the distance. I know it hurts and I know you feel so low about yourself but you got potential and opportunity is right around the corner for you. To h*ll with her.

 

Some people take months to break the hope of their partners coming back but I think you already arrived there and that's a huge step forward in the healing process. Keep healing, keep working on yourself and I promise the a day will come when you'll feel okay again.

 

Goodluck

Edited October 21, 2017 by Beachead

[Stercrazy]

I disagree with that "Clinical Psych" standpoint.

 

He doesn't have any issues. He has what we all call a broken heart. He was in love and locked in a 3 year pattern with someone. 3 years of habits. 3 years worth of attachment. 3 years of planning with her. You don't just eat a bomb like this and turn the switch off and get over it by logically reasoning your way through it. Even if you understand why it happened, your heart will always have a harder time making sense of everything. It's normal.

 

Now as for my take on this.

 

OP, she fell out of love months before she finally got the strength to leave. It feels sudden to you because she made you feel like all was okay when it wasn't. Dumpers don't "suddenly" arrive to these conclusions. The thoughts start to come months prior. Some of them just don't have the strength to leave at the time for particular reasons. And because they've mentally checked out, they only see why the relationship will not work from then on. Over time they collect reasons and build their strength until they get to the point where they are strong enough to end it. She was already a good 60-70% over you while you hadn't even the slightest clue. So now while you're flustered and confused and completely a mess, she's already way passed that. She's had a phenomenal head start. That's why she seems cold. That and the fact that she probably felt guilty for doing this to you.

 

It had nothing to do with the job or money. I hope you know that. It more likely had to do with the distance. I know it hurts and I know you feel so low about yourself but you got potential and opportunity is right around the corner for you. To h*ll with her.

 

Some people take months to break the hope of their partners coming back but I think you already arrived there and that's a huge step forward in the healing process. Keep healing, keep working on yourself and I promise the a day will come when you'll feel okay again.

 

Goodluck

 

The OP stated she always treated him badly and yet he kept giving. Sounds "dependent" to me. Now post breakup as with anyone, myself included, the ego and self-esteem takes a hit. This requires healing time. During that time a person should use it to make themselves stronger. Everybody is different so that time varies. Usually about half as long of the relationship itself. That's how human beings grow interpersonally.

[Slayur]

She left because she doesn't love or want you anymore, as hard as that is to accept. There is nothing that's going to immediately stop the pain. You might want to start thinking about the negatives of her, because you've got oneitis bad, and you need to shatter that pedestal you're putting her on.

 

I badly miss the companionship and intimacy from my last relationship. It hurts to be alone right now. I also dread the arduous process of finding a new love. I hate disappointing women, and it pains me to date and then let them down, so I long for what I had because it's "safe" vs. the unknown future.

 

That being said, I realize my last gf was really awful for me, and I made an extremely poor decision not only letting her in, but staying with her. I should have listened to my gut and kicked her to the curb in short order, but I found her beautiful on the outside, and was overlooking all the baggage because I was attracted to her. It was a massive mistake, one I'll try to never make again.

 

I say this because you're probably thinking along the lines of scarcity, ie. "I'll never find another like her," but with effort you'll find somebody better, who actually stays with you and wants to fight for the relationship.

 

I feel like after this, I will have some trust issues. I can't comprehend how I'll find someone better when I thought she was absolutely perfect to me. I completely agree, I miss the intimacy and companionship. Being alone is miserable. I don't mean to put her on a pedestal, it just naturally I trusted her.

[Slayur]

Because she wanted to. It's not about you. Now from a clinical psych stand point it sounds like you have dependency issues. Always take a positive out of a negative. Take this opportunity to work on yourself and be a stronger person.

Good luck.

I know it's not about me, but in a relationship you should always fight for each other. Before she let, she told me that she'll give me to the end of the her to find a job. Next day I get a job I've been trying to get and she goes to therapy that day. She comes out being blunt and distant. Mind you we were just laughing together before she went into therapy. We hadn't fought at all. Then she comes out and says she needs time to think. In 3 days she decides to leave and lied about her promises. She told me she wouldn't trade me for anything. She lied about giving me to the end of the year. I had gotten a job before she went to therapy and yet she still does this. She said I was too late.

[Slayur]

Hey pal,

 

Your story really resonates with me. I was in a very similar situation with my ex. We were both finishing degrees simultaneously as mature students when we were together. Upon finishing, she got a good job and I did not. She left me right then and there for better prospects. She also showed me no support or sympathy for my situation, she only just criticized me. So here I was, just having put in a ton of work, rejected by all my potential employers, and she's also gone. You cannot put into words what that did to me. I put in an endless amount of work to help her with her studies which made her life 100% easier. She left me with 1 week prior to her Master's convocation which I helped her get. I wasn't there at the ceremony. She was bragging all over Facebook about having finishing her degree with all her friends and family applauding her. She even texted me a week prior to inform me that her ceremony was the next week (it was not an invitation but just to "inform" me for whatever reason). That part of the breakup absolutely slaughtered me inside, a heartbreak to which no words could describe. It still hurts. I went total no contact with her shortly after that, and not long after, blocked her, her friends and family on social media. I will never speak to her again.

 

She got a cushy job with that degree which allowed her to get a mat leave in order to have someone else's child. It was my efforts for 2 years which helped get her there, and now she's nowhere to be seen.

 

My point is, this kind of behavior is quite common with women. Studies have shown that a lot of women leave guys after achieving success via degrees or grad school. And if their guy lags behind, they leave. When the going gets tough, the women start quitting.

 

I was in terrible shape for at least 8 months. I still haven't gotten over her completely and I haven't dated since. But i haven't let it detract from improving myself. I returned to school in a great technical program and got hired right away (that hurt too because I knew it was a sustainable plan that would have worked, she didn't want to hear about it). I'm making better money than I ever have and there is nothing but upward mobility in my future. I've gotten myself in the best physical shape in my life, and will continue to do so.

 

They way I look at things now, life handed me a challenge that I had to overcome. There was no choice. Not one moment of it was easy. I have managed to create a life and person whose life is now radically different from who I used to be.

 

A long time later, I am still quite heartbroken over what happened. I had/have the same feelings for my ex as you do. But if they were really the ones for us, they would be by our sides, as I write this. Nothing hurts more deeply than betrayal.

 

I know how much this hurts you. I really do. I recommend you find professional help to talk with a impartial professional about the grief. Medication helps too if you are clinically depressed. I still hurt and have all these questions that can never be answered. But eventually I pushed ahead despite how I felt. You can do it too. Maybe not right away, but gradually and with time. If I can do this, anyone can, trust me. I really feel for you, bro. Feel free to message me any time if you need to.

Thanks man, always good to have someone to talk to. In the beginning, she was cheated on by her first boyfriend back in high school. I found her 2 years later and helped her recover from that. I showed her the positive side of men. I was always there for her and not once did I think about leaving. I always tried to ,ask her happy. I just don't get how she can leave a guy who helped her through everything.

[Slayur]

Because that sounds a lot less crappy than "I met someone else."

 

Some relationships really do run their course. There is no guarantee she would have stayed even if you'd had a stellar job and were established. Don't be so hard on yourself, OP. It sounds like this wasn't the best relationship if she was prone to putting you down.

 

You're right, it's hard to say if she would have stayed. It's the keyword "if". I'm trying not to be hard upon myself. I just wish she can see past that.

[Slayur]

I disagree with that "Clinical Psych" standpoint.

 

He doesn't have any issues. He has what we all call a broken heart. He was in love and locked in a 3 year pattern with someone. 3 years of habits. 3 years worth of attachment. 3 years of planning with her. You don't just eat a bomb like this and turn the switch off and get over it by logically reasoning your way through it. Even if you understand why it happened, your heart will always have a harder time making sense of everything. It's normal.

 

Now as for my take on this.

 

OP, she fell out of love months before she finally got the strength to leave. It feels sudden to you because she made you feel like all was okay when it wasn't. Dumpers don't "suddenly" arrive to these conclusions. The thoughts start to come months prior. Some of them just don't have the strength to leave at the time for particular reasons. And because they've mentally checked out, they only see why the relationship will not work from then on. Over time they collect reasons and build their strength until they get to the point where they are strong enough to end it. She was already a good 60-70% over you while you hadn't even the slightest clue. So now while you're flustered and confused and completely a mess, she's already way passed that. She's had a phenomenal head start. That's why she seems cold. That and the fact that she probably felt guilty for doing this to you.

 

It had nothing to do with the job or money. I hope you know that. It more likely had to do with the distance. I know it hurts and I know you feel so low about yourself but you got potential and opportunity is right around the corner for you. To h*ll with her.

 

Some people take months to break the hope of their partners coming back but I think you already arrived there and that's a huge step forward in the healing process. Keep healing, keep working on yourself and I promise the a day will come when you'll feel okay again.

 

Goodluck

 

I know she felt guilty, because she would tell everyone that she felt bad for doing this.

[iVisa]

Try to forget about her. You deserve better one. She want to use you, your money and car.

[basil67]

I'm going to play Devil's Advocate here. Mainly because I can't wrap my head around the idea having an adult partner who doesn't have at least a part time job. I understand that someone in college can't easily work full time, but surely part time would have been achievable.

 

You say that money wasn't an issue. So were you mooching off your parents? Living off an inheritance?

[Hoosfoos]

I just don't get how she can leave a guy who helped her through everything.

 

I know, man. I'll be asking myself that same question for a very long time.

[marky00]

Maybe the job thing annoyed her at some point but to be honest, she just gas-lighted you regarding the job thing.

 

 

I've never been able to understand why some dumper's gas-light. Me personally, when I'm not feeling it with someone, that's when it comes natural to me to tell them.

 

 

The gas-lighters seem to be the narcs and people who live off their egos. Like they want to be able to dump someone but still be a cool person.

 

 

Breakups are a tough thing and if someone gas-lights you to accelerate a breakup, you should run to the hills because they pretty evil.

[Slayur]

I'm going to play Devil's Advocate here. Mainly because I can't wrap my head around the idea having an adult partner who doesn't have at least a part time job. I understand that someone in college can't easily work full time, but surely part time would have been achievable.

 

You say that money wasn't an issue. So were you mooching off your parents? Living off an inheritance?

 

I had done little jobs, but nothing consistent