Am I Asking For Trouble?

[coolheadal]

Okay... I know he's busy. I know he's living his life, and I need to be living mine (and I do), but is it ever okay to just flat-out ask for reassurance in situations like these?

 

I'm in an LDR with an extremely busy person. I won't go into detail about his job, but let's just say it's unique and requires him to be pretty active most of the day. We've been seeing each other for a few months now, and I've noticed a bit of a decrease in the amount of text communication we have (no, that's not the only form of communication we use).

 

I'm an anxious person, so I immediately assume that he's losing interest. After all, that's how every guy I've ever dated has shown that he's lost interest. Decreased text messaging is always the first step.

 

Instead of driving myself crazy with all of the questions swirling about in my brain, should I just ask him directly? Not in an accusatory way, of course, but more like, "Hey... I think I might be misinterpreting our communication frequency lately. Are we okay?"

 

I feel that, in an LDR, it's pretty normal to want this type of reassurance every now and then,right? LDRs are tough. But I also know that asking these types of questions goes against the dating rules in a pretty major way, because it shows neediness.

 

So, is asking this question asking for trouble?

 

I've read all what you have type.. You have to relax, if you want this type of relationship to work you have to give and take. LDR puts a lot on a relationship you expect so much yet you do not know what the other one is doing 24/7. You get nervous, you get confused, you worry a lot, wonder when they will contact you if they do or not. If they say honey I'll call, text etc. later and when they don't you freak out with worry. I know about I've done a few myself with LDR. To be me it's better to find a local person then to worry your life over LDR person. No life to lead trust me. Your so worried why he doesn't text as often he has a life other than you, but if you where under the same roof you won't have these panic attacks or feeling unsettled. Should you call or should he? Neither, because it makes you want the other person now you can't wait for that to happen.

[Lovelorn00]

I'll try to keep this brief. I've been seeing a guy for about 4 months now. Unfortunately, it's a long-distance relationship (end date in February of 2018). We've physically been around each other plenty of times, and I have the strongest chemistry I've ever felt with him.

 

Here's the kicker - I also suffer from pretty bad anxiety. I know, I know - I should be the LAST person entering into an LDR, but here I am. In an effort to attempt to curb some of this excruciating anxiety, I read somewhere that it might be helpful to go ahead and assume the worst. That is, assume that he is actually seeing other people. I guess it kind of forces my brain into accepting and processing what it fears the most.

 

The thing is... how does one DO that? This seems to be common advice given to folks in the beginning stages of dating, especially when exclusivity hasn't been discussed... but HOW? How do I detach the feelings I have developed for him over the last 4 months and just be okay with the fact that he might be dating others?

 

We talk every single day, and we discuss pretty intimate things. We've also been physically intimate, although we haven't had sex yet. I don't really want to do that with someone, knowing that they may also be doing the same with someone else (yeah, I probably effed up there).

 

So, all of you "normal" daters out there... how do you remain detached while waiting for the exclusivity talk?

 

P.S. - I am not at all interested in multi-dating.

[kendahke]

Stop talking to him every day. You need to create some distance and space so that your feelings stay in check, if you think you're of the mindset to do this.

 

If you have anxiety issues, this might not be a comfortable route for you to take. If it doesn't come naturally to you to be aloof and breezy, then you're lying to yourself about what you are capable of doing. This is one of those "either you can or you can't" things.

 

I don't wait if we've been around each other and spending time. I want to know where he stands and if he says "I'm not ready, let's just see where this goes, blah blah...", I cut him loose. After a certain age (like 28), adults know what they want to do. They choose to not say out of an attempt to keep someone in something they know they don't want nor want to let go of just in case no one else shows up in 20 minutes.

 

LDR's work ONLY if both people can trust implicitly. Distrust cannot gain a foothold if you want this to be successful and if you're a distrustful person anyway, then this arrangement isn't going to work, sorry to have to say.

Edited August 23, 2017 by kendahke

[Cookiesandough]

How to be OK with something you don't want? In for answers to that one, Op.

[d0nnivain]

A person with anxiety should not be in a non-exclusive LDR to begin with. Your nerves just won't be able to handle it.

 

 

Me personally, in your shoes (absent the anxiety), I'd be straight up about it. I'd tell the guy I like him & I'm looking forward to seeing what happens when we're in the same geography in Feb 2018 but until then this is just casual. Then I'd make a plan to casually date other men in my area.

 

 

If you are not wired that way, you can't force it. You will only make yourself sick & unhappy.

[Lovelorn00]

Stop talking to him every day. You need to create some distance and space so that your feelings stay in check, if you think you're of the mindset to do this.

 

If you have anxiety issues, this might not be a comfortable route for you to take. If it doesn't come naturally to you to be aloof and breezy, then you're lying to yourself about what you are capable of doing. This is one of those "either you can or you can't" things.

 

See bold. The whole concept of being aloof and breezy is so foreign to me, especially 4 months in. Is ANYONE capable of doing that naturally while also falling hard for someone? If I were naturally aloof and breezy about the situation, that would be a pretty negative indicator of my interest level, I would think.

 

But yes, I agree. Nothing about this whole thing has been comfortable. In fact, it's the most uncomfortable I've ever been in my life. I've never been prone to random panic attacks, but I have them now. I never thought it would get this bad. I've just been trying to figure out the proper mindset to adopt in order to cope, and I figured assuming the worst would by my best bet.

 

I guess the other solution would be to ask him where this is going, but we all know how guys run when the "define the relationship" talk comes up.

[d0nnivain]

The breezy part is a function of it being an LDR to me. Yes, you are right that at 4 months into a conventional relationship a larger emotional investment is optimal but I was never wired to start from an LDR.

 

 

Any define the relationship conversation should occur in person IMO. For me, since in person is not an option, neither is exclusivity or emotional commitment.

[kendahke]

 

I guess the other solution would be to ask him where this is going, but we all know how guys run when the "define the relationship" talk comes up.

 

Only f-boys turn tail and run.

 

After 4 months of this, you do need to know what's up, especially if you want to be able to withstand the storms your anxiety will whip up.

 

Or

 

Scale this back and just stick to dating guys in your area, since the "not knowing" triggers you.

[Lovelorn00]

A person with anxiety should not be in a non-exclusive LDR to begin with. Your nerves just won't be able to handle it.

 

 

Me personally, in your shoes (absent the anxiety), I'd be straight up about it. I'd tell the guy I like him & I'm looking forward to seeing what happens when we're in the same geography in Feb 2018 but until then this is just casual. Then I'd make a plan to casually date other men in my area.

 

 

If you are not wired that way, you can't force it. You will only make yourself sick & unhappy.

 

Yeah, I'm totally not wired that way. Lol The thought of going on a date with another person at the moment makes my stomach churn.

 

And you are right about the nerves thing. It has been absolutely brutal dealing with this. I feel like I've been hit by a truck on a daily basis. I've never been in an LDR, so I really didn't know what I was getting myself into. I actually tried avoiding it at the beginning, but he convinced me that he was serious about seeing where this went BEFORE he returned. "Let me show you how serious I am," he'd say. And so I fell. I have to say, he's kept his promises to me throughout the 4 months, and although he very much acts like a boyfriend when we're together or apart, we still haven't had the talk yet. It's literally driving me crazy.

[kendahke]

How far away does he live from you and how often during the month to you see one another in person? Because that's the part that counts in a relationship.

[Cookiesandough]

See bold. The whole concept of being aloof and breezy is so foreign to me, especially 4 months in. Is ANYONE capable of doing that naturally while also falling hard for someone? If I were naturally aloof and breezy about the situation, that would be a pretty negative indicator of my interest level, I would think.

 

But yes, I agree. Nothing about this whole thing has been comfortable. In fact, it's the most uncomfortable I've ever been in my life. I've never been prone to random panic attacks, but I have them now. I never thought it would get this bad. I've just been trying to figure out the proper mindset to adopt in order to cope, and I figured assuming the worst would by my best bet.

 

I guess the other solution would be to ask him where this is going, but we all know how guys run when the "define the relationship" talk comes up.

 

No... when I start falling for someone, all the other people fade away and I only want to be with them. So yeah, someone telling me to be okay with my guy dating around is akin to someone telling me to be okay with having needles shoved up my finger nails. The shht hurts and I'm not okay with it. If you're dating other people, especially long distance, you're probably going to fade apart due to meeting others who you click with just as much but are closer. Following the path of least resistance. I think both people in a LDR need to get that tunnel vision/desire to stop seeing others about each other or chances of not fading apart are slim!

Edited August 23, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[Lovelorn00]

How far away does he live from you and how often during the month to you see one another in person? Because that's the part that counts in a relationship.

 

He lives about 10-12 hours away by car, and neither of us has the funds at the moment to schedule another flight (especially him). I visited him about a month ago. If we were exclusive, I would definitely try to figure out something, though. I just can't bring myself to invest more time and money into it until we determine that. He doesn't make anywhere near what I do, so I would never expect him to figure out travel on his end. Not to mention, his job keeps him extremely busy and he travels for it quite often. Until Feb., it'll be difficult to even find a window of time that works for both of us.

[Lovelorn00]

No... when I start falling for someone, all the other people fade away and I only want to be with them. So yeah, someone telling me to be okay with my guy dating around is akin to someone telling me to be okay with having needles shoved up my finger nails. The shht hurts and I'm not okay with it. If you're dating other people, especially long distance, you're probably going to fade apart due to meeting others who you click with just as much but are closer. Following the path of least resistance. I think both people in a LDR need to get that tunnel vision/desire to stop seeing others about each other or chances of not fading apart are slim!

 

I feel the same way. Just the thought of it hurts like hell. Maybe that's my fault for allowing him to woo me into it. However, this seems to be the advice I've been getting across the board... "You just need to accept the fact that he's probably seeing other people, until you have the exclusivity talk." And boy, does that sting.

[d0nnivain]

Is the distance ending in February or are you just going to be able to see each other again then?

 

 

If the not knowing is really driving you that nuts you are better off starting the conversation. At least try to do it by Skype & don't do it via text.

 

 

Even if he says something you don't want to hear, you will still know & then you can make an informed decision about what you want to do next. Since he is the one who pressed this, I suspect you might get a positive response from him along the lines of "Of course we're exclusive! How could you think otherwise?"

 

 

I'll keep my fingers crossed for you.

[Lovelorn00]

Is the distance ending in February or are you just going to be able to see each other again then?

 

 

If the not knowing is really driving you that nuts you are better off starting the conversation. At least try to do it by Skype & don't do it via text.

 

 

Even if he says something you don't want to hear, you will still know & then you can make an informed decision about what you want to do next. Since he is the one who pressed this, I suspect you might get a positive response from him along the lines of "Of course we're exclusive! How could you think otherwise?"

 

 

I'll keep my fingers crossed for you.

 

The distance is ending in February. He comes back to live in the same town that I live in. He's away in another state at the moment, due to work obligations.

 

And yes, I'm learning that's the hallmark of an anxiety disorder. Not knowing is what's killing me. Literally killing me. I haven't eaten in over 24 hours, and I still don't have an appetite. I can't sleep at night. My muscles ache constantly. My performance at work is suffering. My teeth ache. My head aches. It's so effing brutal. I really had no idea it could get this bad. At times, I feel so sick that I consider going to the doctor, but I know it's just anxiety, because it all magically melts away when I talk to him. Unhealthy, I know.

 

There have been times in the past where I assumed something about him, and it turned out not to be true. He says I misread him a lot, which I blame on the anxiety. I have gotten the "why would you think that?" response from him before, so I really do hope that's the case in this situation.

[Cookiesandough]

Yeah. Looks like you need to have the talk. No use pretending to be the "cool girl" if that's not who you are. You will just drive yourself insane and it will show. It will seep through in your interactions with him, even if you try to hide it. You're ready to step it up. Make that known even if it means possibly hearing what you don't want to. Least you won't be in the dark.

[d0nnivain]

Your reaction is way out of proportion to what's at stake here. He's some guy you are dating. You are not waiting to here if you are going to live or die. the amount of adrenaline your system is producing would enable you to outrun a saber toothed tiger; it's fight or flight which this isn't.

 

 

 

 

Breathe & eat!

 

 

If you are not already in therapy, seriously consider it. You will do well on anti-anxiety meds. You should also consider learning to do yoga. You are gonna kill yourself if you don't stop.

[LovelyRose]

Quick answer.... DON'T BE IN THAT SITUATION!

 

Hi OP... I have responded to your other thread about screwing things up. I don't know why but I thought he was already your boyfriend and your issue was that he isn't texting much. But now I see you have bigger issue.

 

I don't understand why people around you keep giving you advice to just assume the worst that he is seeing other women. Especially knowing you have anxieties. I am a firm believer of law of attraction. If you invite your fear into your life then it will become your reality. You attract what you think!

 

I've suffered from anxiety myself and still experience here and there. Knowing that I would go crazy from the unknown, I do my best to just be direct and ask as much as I can if I want answers.

 

Coming from someone who experience anxiety as well, my advice for you is to tell him that you are not into multidating so you want to know where you guys stand. Based on what you wrote that he wants to prove to you that he is SERIOUS with YOU, I'd say you guys are exclusive. But never assume, so do yourself a favor and clarify this. Not through text but at least over the phone or preferably via video chat. Be honest, sincere and straight forward.

 

Please DO NOT convince yourself that you can multidate if that's not you. My ex tried to convince me to get into threesome and I immediately told him off. I told him if he can't let that one go then I will leave him in a heartbeat.

 

If he gets scared that you asked him about exclusivity then you know it's time to walk away. If he didn't get scared but say he doesn't want exclusivity, drop him! I just dont see how can someone say they are "serious" and not want to be exclusive.

 

Please prioritize yourself, your health and your own safety. Get your answer now before you end up in the hospital. DO NOT assume the worst and never assume period.

 

If you really want to follow their advice of assuming the worst, it should be the worst possibility that you two are not on the same page that you will end up dropping and losing him.

 

Best of luck!

[Lovelorn00]

Your reaction is way out of proportion to what's at stake here.

 

Yep, that's pretty much the definition of anxiety. Lol

 

He's some guy you are dating. You are not waiting to here if you are going to live or die. the amount of adrenaline your system is producing would enable you to outrun a saber toothed tiger; it's fight or flight which this isn't.

 

And yes, you are correct. I feel like I've run a marathon pretty much every day. Or like I'm sitting through a horror movie that just won't end.

 

Breathe & eat!

 

If you are not already in therapy, seriously consider it. You will do well on anti-anxiety meds. You should also consider learning to do yoga. You are gonna kill yourself if you don't stop.

 

I'm trying! I bought protein shakes for the days when I have absolutely no appetite, so I don't pass out at work. I am in therapy... I've been going bi-weekly for years, but I just need to be on drugs, tbh. I've been fighting it for years, but that's the reality that I'm just going to have to face. I've also considered getting back into yoga, especially hot yoga. I just joined a gym that offers it, so I definitely need to check it out.

[Lovelorn00]

Hi OP,

 

I saw your comment on another post that it still not working out for you.

 

I've suffered anxiety before but was lucky enough to fight it all on my own. I am in an LDR myself and also my first time.

 

Donnivain really nailed it. Please read it over and over again. I also suggest you read my threads.

 

My guy is not a texter. He used to disappear for a whole day or two and it drove me nuts. My cousin (who is his best friend) even vouched for him. He does disappear on everybody. But now he's gotten better. He also doesn't call me everyday because by the time he is home he's beat. He calls me about 4-5 times a week. Now he basically just greets me good morning and the amount of text we will exchange throughout the day will depend on my replies. If I keep texting him he will respond but if I leave him alone then I won't hear from him through out the day. He responds usually every 2-4 hours but sometimes he just doesn't until he is off.

 

Sometimes he will come home from work then just pass out for the remainder of the day so I won't hear from him until the next day. All real conversation between us happens through our phone calls and when we are together. I see him once every 3 weeks. How often do you see each other?

 

I will admit I still don't like that we don't text as much as I would want to but I do my best not to focus on that. He has so many great qualities and treats me really good that it just balance out. When we are together I'm in heaven, lol.

 

You're seeing red flags because you want to see it and you are convincing yourself you guys have an issue. Because you did say that those subtle red flags before are Now gone and he is calling you more. I would prefer daily calls over constant texting.

 

We can tell you how to approach him and what to say but we don't know him. If your guy really cares for you he will listen to you. I have gone off on my guy to the point he was angry but it didn't scare him away.

 

Stop walking on egg shells. I've done that and it doesn't feel good. DON'T tell him what to do but DO tell him what you want and how you feel. Ask him if what you want is reasonable to him. If he has an issue then you discuss what could be your meeting point. Like Gaeta said, value yourself. So if this guy runs away because you have expressed your feelings about your communication pattern, then he isn't meant for you.

 

My guy is allergic to serious talks but he tells me to ALWAYS tell him what's on my mind and what's bothering me.

 

Appreciate and focus on the fact that he calls you despite the fact that he hates doing it. When you are together how does he make you feel? Focus on those great things. You said it yourself, you didnt want LDR but you saw something in him that made it all worthwhile.

 

Thanks, LovelyRose. So sorry I missed this. I really needed this. Your situation sounds similar to mine, though I don't see my guy that often. May I ask some of the ways you fought the anxiety on your own? Because I really am trying, but my God... it's a BEAST. It's a constant struggle, minute by minute, to keep it at bay.

[Lovelorn00]

I don't understand why people around you keep giving you advice to just assume the worst that he is seeing other women. Especially knowing you have anxieties. I am a firm believer of law of attraction. If you invite your fear into your life then it will become your reality. You attract what you think!

 

I am a firm believer in this as well, which is why I really, REALLY want to get control of this. The advice to assume the worst is a technique I first saw while researching something called Relationship OCD (or rOCD). It's obsessive, unrelenting negative thoughts (what ifs) about a relationship. I'm pretty sure that's what I'm dealing with here. One of the coping techniques mentioned was just to accept the worst and deal with it. Let your brain process it. My guess is that it teaches the person that they'll actually survive if the worst comes to pass. Like d0nnivain mentioned earlier, it teaches the brain that there's no reason for the fight-or-flight response in these situations.

 

I just dont see how can someone say they are "serious" and not want to be exclusive.

 

Unfortunately, LovelyRose, I've seen it tons of times. In my experience, guys will say absolutely anything to string a gal along. And it doesn't even have to be for sex. I've seen guys do it just for the fun of it. It's sick, yes, but it's the reality. But yes, I feel like I have two choices - either be okay with the status quo or flat-out ask where we stand. Both options make me sick to my stomach. Lol

[alphamale]

So, is asking this question asking for trouble?

 

after dating for two months?? Yes

[alphamale]

So, all of you "normal" daters out there... how do you remain detached while waiting for the exclusivity talk?

I always think it's funny how after you bang some chick she automatically assumes that you are now her property

[alphamale]

Your reaction is way out of proportion to what's at stake here. He's some guy you are dating. You are not waiting to here if you are going to live or die. the amount of adrenaline your system is producing would enable you to outrun a saber toothed tiger; it's fight or flight which this isn't.

 

 

 

 

Breathe & eat!

 

 

If you are not already in therapy, seriously consider it. You will do well on anti-anxiety meds. You should also consider learning to do yoga. You are gonna kill yourself if you don't stop.

excellent excellent

[preraph]

How many dates have you been on live in person? Have you kissed?

 

My experience is that if you're not live in person having sex, men have a hard time calling that a real relationship and are easily distracted. Now if you've been meeting several times and spending time together, then it's certainly more hopeful. If you haven't met, it isn't real until you do.