Lorenza Posted July 16, 2017 Share Posted July 16, 2017 I would advice against having a LDR if you have anxiety issues. I've had generalized anxiety disorder and my therapist told me to not enter an LDR with a boyfriend at that time, who was leaving country for more than a year. I didn't listen and suffered horribly. It's a tough thing to handle even for mentally stable people. Date someone local and spare yourself some suffering. No need to do this to yourself. LDR is not for the anxious. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovelorn00 Posted July 16, 2017 Author Share Posted July 16, 2017 So you ended up breaking up with him? How did that conversation go? Link to post Share on other sites
OatsAndHall Posted July 16, 2017 Share Posted July 16, 2017 You have every right to keep your medical issues to yourself. Don't feel the obligation to share them with him or anyone else as it isn't anyone's business. I would suggest that you continue to see your doctor, take your medication and see how things progress. The LDR may be triggering anxiety attacks now but they're not the sole cause of them. I think you should just try to be patient with the situation, deal with the underlying medical issue and hope for the best. Link to post Share on other sites
TaylorW Posted July 16, 2017 Share Posted July 16, 2017 Not doing something because you are anxious about it only feeds the anxiety even more. I'm not familiar with LDR, so I can't give you advice about that. Seeking help from a professional is a very good first step. I would also suggest learning to deal with your anxiety. Learn about mindfulness, cognitive behavioral therapy, Acceptance and Commitment therapy, relaxation,... A big part of anxiety is learning to tolerate uncertainty. A LDR will probably trigger you more because of the uncertainty but it's a skill you can certainly learn with a lot of practice. Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted July 16, 2017 Share Posted July 16, 2017 why are you jumping the gun? (which i somewhat get since that is a hallmark of being anxious). But in your current situation, why don't you seek the help first, find out a general scenario and then decide what you need to say to your guy. I mean you don't have all the facts FOR YOURSELF yet. You have to decide what your real goal is here. I think anxious people or over thinkers mixed up too many goals or two huge ones. In your case with this current situation, what is it that you need? If it is support that is handle with that intention--if it is to inform him to protect the relationship and explain your situation, than that is another intention. You've pretty much indicated with words that it is the latter but between the lines I feel like you are indicating it's the former (wanting support & assurance). Get clear on what your real goal is and you will know better how to handle it. My personal take is that you should get a better handle on what's going on with you first and THEN talk to him. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovelorn00 Posted July 16, 2017 Author Share Posted July 16, 2017 why are you jumping the gun? (which i somewhat get since that is a hallmark of being anxious). But in your current situation, why don't you seek the help first, find out a general scenario and then decide what you need to say to your guy. I mean you don't have all the facts FOR YOURSELF yet. You have to decide what your real goal is here. I think anxious people or over thinkers mixed up too many goals or two huge ones. In your case with this current situation, what is it that you need? If it is support that is handle with that intention--if it is to inform him to protect the relationship and explain your situation, than that is another intention. You've pretty much indicated with words that it is the latter but between the lines I feel like you are indicating it's the former (wanting support & assurance). Get clear on what your real goal is and you will know better how to handle it. My personal take is that you should get a better handle on what's going on with you first and THEN talk to him. Good luck My goal is to just make him aware of the situation so that he knows what he's dealing with. I've seen my anxiety sabotage relationships before, and I feel it was, in part, because I was never honest with the other person about what was going on in my head. I don't want to throw the "I need your support" burden on him just yet. It's too soon. This is my issue. I just want him to know that it exists, and it can sometimes affect my personality. I want him to be aware of it and to be aware that I'm actively seeking help for the issue. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted July 16, 2017 Share Posted July 16, 2017 I would advice against having a LDR if you have anxiety issues. I've had generalized anxiety disorder and my therapist told me to not enter an LDR with a boyfriend at that time, who was leaving country for more than a year. I didn't listen and suffered horribly. It's a tough thing to handle even for mentally stable people. Date someone local and spare yourself some suffering. No need to do this to yourself. LDR is not for the anxious. I'm curious why this advice....? I have an anxiety, but I also am an introvert and love my alone time so I think I could do a LDR quite easily. What do you think made you so anxious? Jealousy? Worried about them? Link to post Share on other sites
Ami1uwant Posted July 16, 2017 Share Posted July 16, 2017 My goal is to just make him aware of the situation so that he knows what he's dealing with. I've seen my anxiety sabotage relationships before, and I feel it was, in part, because I was never honest with the other person about what was going on in my head. I don't want to throw the "I need your support" burden on him just yet. It's too soon. This is my issue. I just want him to know that it exists, and it can sometimes affect my personality. I want him to be aware of it and to be aware that I'm actively seeking help for the issue. IF the anxiety is such a major issue with you, then you need to let them know about it. If they leave then its for the better. If you dont say anything and get more attached then they leave when its revealed then it will end harder. Some will look at this as deceit or lying by omission. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovelorn00 Posted July 16, 2017 Author Share Posted July 16, 2017 I'm curious why this advice....? I have an anxiety, but I also am an introvert and love my alone time so I think I could do a LDR quite easily. What do you think made you so anxious? Jealousy? Worried about them? I'm curious, too. Trust me, I never intended to end up in a LDR, but now that I'm in one, I want to do what I can to make it work. I'm actually just like you, CautiouslyOptimistic, in that I'm usually an introvert and love my alone time. I like the fact that the distance has forced us to slow things down and really get to know each other. I think my past relationships have put my anxiety into overdrive. I over analyze every little thing and look for red flags that indicate he's about to dump me. He's given me no reason to believe this... it's purely my anxiety. But then again, my ability to pick up on red flags has been spot on in the past, so I really just don't know. It's driving me insane. Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted July 16, 2017 Share Posted July 16, 2017 My goal is to just make him aware of the situation so that he knows what he's dealing with. I've seen my anxiety sabotage relationships before, and I feel it was, in part, because I was never honest with the other person about what was going on in my head. I don't want to throw the "I need your support" burden on him just yet. It's too soon. This is my issue. I just want him to know that it exists, and it can sometimes affect my personality. I want him to be aware of it and to be aware that I'm actively seeking help for the issue. hmmm, I still wouldn't tell him until you spoke to the doctor or therapist but that's what I would do not you. I mean, how long will it be until you know something? 4-5 days? And you are long distance? I guess part of my confusion about how you want to handle it or your actual question would be "how does it affect your relationship with him"? If there is nothing discernible or you just want a pass or some assurance, I don't think it's the right move--i mean surely it can wait a few days or even better until you are together in person. But that said, haven't been in your situation and am not you and you know the situation best--at a certain point you just need to trust your gut. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovelorn00 Posted July 16, 2017 Author Share Posted July 16, 2017 IF the anxiety is such a major issue with you, then you need to let them know about it. If they leave then its for the better. If you dont say anything and get more attached then they leave when its revealed then it will end harder. Some will look at this as deceit or lying by omission. I agree. My anxiety is coloring my interactions with him. I feel like he needs to know sooner rather than later. Link to post Share on other sites
OatsAndHall Posted July 16, 2017 Share Posted July 16, 2017 My goal is to just make him aware of the situation so that he knows what he's dealing with. I've seen my anxiety sabotage relationships before, and I feel it was, in part, because I was never honest with the other person about what was going on in my head. I don't want to throw the "I need your support" burden on him just yet. It's too soon. This is my issue. I just want him to know that it exists, and it can sometimes affect my personality. I want him to be aware of it and to be aware that I'm actively seeking help for the issue. Well, you have recognized the fact that your anxiety has caused issues and you are taking steps to address it with a professional. Again, I don't think you are under any obligation to tell him anything about your medical treatment. You do have an obligation to continue to recognize that you have an issue with anxiety and avoid letting it spill over into your relationship but that doesn't necessarily entail telling him anything. I deal with anxiety and depression and too have let it screw up relationships. But, I am cognizant of the problems it can cause and I work to keep myself under control so that it doesn't affect my relationships. In my last relationship, I was starting to become anxious and upset over some of her quirks and I either wanted to cut off contact or have a "conversation" with her. I took a step back, realized that I was obsessing over some seriously minor issues and moved on. When my anxiety hits it's peak, it turns into frustration. I now recognize this and will take time away from a significant other/situation that is jacking up my anxiety to the point where I am getting angry. I don't tell my significant others about my depression or anxiety as I am a private person and I don't feel it is necessary to inform them of anything if I don't have to. There are times when I lean on them if I am having a rough time but I don't go into the details. I just tell them that I am feeling down or anxious and would like someone to talk to. Right now, I feel as if your anxiety is already getting the best of you and you may sabotage a relationship by doing what you think is rational. But, in the end, it's really not. Take a step back, breathe, and view the anxiety and the relationship as two separate entities that don't need to be mixed. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted July 16, 2017 Share Posted July 16, 2017 My goal is to just make him aware of the situation so that he knows what he's dealing with. I've seen my anxiety sabotage relationships before, and I feel it was, in part, because I was never honest with the other person about what was going on in my head. I don't want to throw the "I need your support" burden on him just yet. It's too soon. This is my issue. I just want him to know that it exists, and it can sometimes affect my personality. I want him to be aware of it and to be aware that I'm actively seeking help for the issue. I think you should wait and go through some treatment first. Then once you have your anxiety maintained and you are feeling better you will be able to tell him without complication. Maybe get proper advice from your therapist on how to handle the conversation accordingly. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovelorn00 Posted July 16, 2017 Author Share Posted July 16, 2017 hmmm, I still wouldn't tell him until you spoke to the doctor or therapist but that's what I would do not you. I mean, how long will it be until you know something? 4-5 days? And you are long distance? I guess part of my confusion about how you want to handle it or your actual question would be "how does it affect your relationship with him"? If there is nothing discernible or you just want a pass or some assurance, I don't think it's the right move--i mean surely it can wait a few days or even better until you are together in person. But that said, haven't been in your situation and am not you and you know the situation best--at a certain point you just need to trust your gut. My question was more "how can I bring up this topic with him in a way that doesn't scare him off"? But I think you're right... perhaps I should wait until after I see a doctor. My plan is to find one tomorrow (Monday) who will take me as soon as possible. I don't think they'll have any trouble diagnosing me. In fact, my therapist has already suggested a certain anti-anxiety medication he thinks would be great for me. I'm hoping that's what they'll recommend as well. The thing is, this particular medication takes a while to start working. So I'll still have these issues even after I've started medication... at least for a little while. That's kind of why I thought it would be wise to go ahead and tell him. Something like, "Hey, if you ever notice me acting weird, here's why. But don't worry! I've gotten help, and I'm working on it." That kind of thing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovelorn00 Posted July 16, 2017 Author Share Posted July 16, 2017 I think you should wait and go through some treatment first. Then once you have your anxiety maintained and you are feeling better you will be able to tell him without complication. Maybe get proper advice from your therapist on how to handle the conversation accordingly. I think you're right, and that's what I'm going to do. I'll see how the doc says I should handle it. I guess I've just been reading too much about this online, and almost everything I've read says, "Tell your partner!" Because isn't communication key? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
OatsAndHall Posted July 16, 2017 Share Posted July 16, 2017 IF the anxiety is such a major issue with you, then you need to let them know about it. If they leave then its for the better. If you dont say anything and get more attached then they leave when its revealed then it will end harder. Some will look at this as deceit or lying by omission. I fail to see how the OP's private issues are any of this guy's business. Especially given that she's only been out with him once. Again, she is working through them in an adult manner with professionals and is focused on not letting it damage the relationship. By telling him about it, I feel like she is basically defining herself by her anxiety. As I stated above, I have dealt with anxiety and depression for quite a long time. And, I stopped telling people about it because folks don't view me as a "person dealing with anxiety and depression". They toss me into the "depressed and anxious person" category which carries poorly informed and ignorant stigmas with it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
OatsAndHall Posted July 16, 2017 Share Posted July 16, 2017 I think you're right, and that's what I'm going to do. I'll see how the doc says I should handle it. I guess I've just been reading too much about this online, and almost everything I've read says, "Tell your partner!" Because isn't communication key? Yes, communication is important. However, you are not lying to him or being deceitful by choosing not to divulge personal, medical information to him. Discussing it with him doesn't serve a practical purpose as long as you're working on managing it. As I have posted above, by bringing it up with him, you are allowing yourself to be define by your anxiety which I feel is a mistake. Down the road, situations may pop up where you need to tell him that you can become anxious but you don't need to put it in clinical terms. For example, I have never been comfortable in loud, crowded environments where there's a lot of alcohol involved. In fact, these environments will trigger panic attacks if I am already stressed out. I have done my best to accommodate my significant other's when they wanted to go to concerts and other events like this in the past. I will grit and bear if it's really important to them. However, there have been other times when I choose not to go and I just tell them that I'm not comfortable with it. My last serious girlfriend LOVED heavy rock and asked me to go with her to several concerts. I joined her a few times but declined on one occasion because it didn't start until 10pm, I was tired and stressed and I knew it was going to be a bad deal. Plus, please bear in mind that you haven't started to address this medically yet. You'd be surprised how much the right medication will take the edge off. The thought of mentioning any of this to him might not even cross your mind when you get meds dialed in. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovelorn00 Posted July 16, 2017 Author Share Posted July 16, 2017 I fail to see how the OP's private issues are any of this guy's business. Especially given that she's only been out with him once. Again, she is working through them in an adult manner with professionals and is focused on not letting it damage the relationship. By telling him about it, I feel like she is basically defining herself by her anxiety. As I stated above, I have dealt with anxiety and depression for quite a long time. And, I stopped telling people about it because folks don't view me as a "person dealing with anxiety and depression". They toss me into the "depressed and anxious person" category which carries poorly informed and ignorant stigmas with it. Quick correction! I've been out with him a lot... We've been dating since April. We just don't live in the same state, but we've been out quite a bit, when either one of us is in each othed's towns. Sorry, I should've mentioned that in my original post. But you do make a great point. I don't want to be defined by my anxiety. However, this guy has been around me enough, I'm sure he's probably seen my anxiety and wondered what the hell was going through my head. My telling him would just be a way to explain some of the quirky things that I do, so he doesn't have to wonder. Link to post Share on other sites
OatsAndHall Posted July 16, 2017 Share Posted July 16, 2017 Quick correction! I've been out with him a lot... We've been dating since April. We just don't live in the same state, but we've been out quite a bit, when either one of us is in each othed's towns. Sorry, I should've mentioned that in my original post. But you do make a great point. I don't want to be defined by my anxiety. However, this guy has been around me enough, I'm sure he's probably seen my anxiety and wondered what the hell was going through my head. My telling him would just be a way to explain some of the quirky things that I do, so he doesn't have to wonder. Eh... I still wouldn't worry about it. If he asks about some of your "quirks" then it's bets to be honest and let him know that you deal with anxiety. But, you might be chasing shadows in your head by feeling like you need to tell him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovelorn00 Posted July 16, 2017 Author Share Posted July 16, 2017 Well. I haven't heard from him today, and it's already the afternoon here. That's unusual. Perhaps my anxiety was right once again. I'm such a fool. Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted July 16, 2017 Share Posted July 16, 2017 My question was more "how can I bring up this topic with him in a way that doesn't scare him off"? But I think you're right... perhaps I should wait until after I see a doctor. My plan is to find one tomorrow (Monday) who will take me as soon as possible. I don't think they'll have any trouble diagnosing me. In fact, my therapist has already suggested a certain anti-anxiety medication he thinks would be great for me. I'm hoping that's what they'll recommend as well. The thing is, this particular medication takes a while to start working. So I'll still have these issues even after I've started medication... at least for a little while. That's kind of why I thought it would be wise to go ahead and tell him. Something like, "Hey, if you ever notice me acting weird, here's why. But don't worry! I've gotten help, and I'm working on it." That kind of thing. This was kind of my line of thinking. If you handle it like this, you will have more of a chance to let him know, show how you resolved it and will be working through it (both of which show you as a strong person even in light of telling him something people might be judgmental about); also you will be being open and a bit vulnerable with him which can only lead to you getting more bonded. Since guys like to "fix" problems, you will be half way there and he can be more "support" to you since there is a solution in motion. He may or may not be scared off because you can't control his reaction to this information. I do think if you time it for the best & deliver it well, it gives it the best chance of being absorbed in a good way that will benefit your relationship. In any case, it's the truth, you feel it's about time & most importantly you are doing what is best for you and your health and someone who cares about you shouldn't really have a problem with that. Either way, you need to put yourself first. Good luck 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted July 16, 2017 Share Posted July 16, 2017 Well. I haven't heard from him today, and it's already the afternoon here. That's unusual. Perhaps my anxiety was right once again. I'm such a fool. Nah, don't say that. I think that's called making things into a castatrophe (which i obviously can't spell!). Why would you link the event of him not calling, especially since you have been long distance since april, to him not caring about you and thus you being a fool. The truth is probably far simpler, less evil, I'm sure Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovelorn00 Posted July 17, 2017 Author Share Posted July 17, 2017 Yes, communication is important. However, you are not lying to him or being deceitful by choosing not to divulge personal, medical information to him. Discussing it with him doesn't serve a practical purpose as long as you're working on managing it. As I have posted above, by bringing it up with him, you are allowing yourself to be define by your anxiety which I feel is a mistake. Down the road, situations may pop up where you need to tell him that you can become anxious but you don't need to put it in clinical terms. For example, I have never been comfortable in loud, crowded environments where there's a lot of alcohol involved. In fact, these environments will trigger panic attacks if I am already stressed out. I have done my best to accommodate my significant other's when they wanted to go to concerts and other events like this in the past. I will grit and bear if it's really important to them. However, there have been other times when I choose not to go and I just tell them that I'm not comfortable with it. My last serious girlfriend LOVED heavy rock and asked me to go with her to several concerts. I joined her a few times but declined on one occasion because it didn't start until 10pm, I was tired and stressed and I knew it was going to be a bad deal. Plus, please bear in mind that you haven't started to address this medically yet. You'd be surprised how much the right medication will take the edge off. The thought of mentioning any of this to him might not even cross your mind when you get meds dialed in. I hear ya, but the problem I'm facing now is that EVERYthing (related to him) is making me irrationally anxious. My thoughts have completely spiraled out of control, and it's to the point that he's probably going to notice. Instead of writing me off as a weirdo, I'd rather he just be aware that there's an underlying reason why he's seeing certain behaviors from me. However, I DO agree that I really just need to see the doc first and see what he or she says. Even though I'm hopeful that meds will take the edge off, at the end of the day, this is an issue that I would like my significant other to be aware of. I feel it's only fair. Yes, it may be a little too soon to divulge this to my current guy, but I would like for him to know eventually. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovelorn00 Posted July 17, 2017 Author Share Posted July 17, 2017 Nah, don't say that. I think that's called making things into a castatrophe (which i obviously can't spell!). Why would you link the event of him not calling, especially since you have been long distance since april, to him not caring about you and thus you being a fool. The truth is probably far simpler, less evil, I'm sure This was a classic example of my anxiety spiraling out of control. Ugh. Soon after I wrote that, he called. We talked for hours last night, and everything was normal. This is exactly why I think meds would help me. My brain starts to latch onto the "worst-case" scenario, and I go crazy. Ugh. It's torture. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted July 17, 2017 Share Posted July 17, 2017 This was a classic example of my anxiety spiraling out of control. Ugh. Soon after I wrote that, he called. We talked for hours last night, and everything was normal. This is exactly why I think meds would help me. My brain starts to latch onto the "worst-case" scenario, and I go crazy. Ugh. It's torture. Well the important part for you is that you are beginning to recognize it. Surely, like anything you want to improve on, awareness is the first step. Good luck 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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