BrokenHeartedMan89 Posted July 25, 2017 Posted July 25, 2017 Hello LS, I bequeath your worldly wisdom again. Last night i met my recent ex (Ex2), for those that know my story, she fell for me too soon after my heart was broken by my first love. I think she connected with the raw emotional me and wanted to save me, she couldn't, only I can do that. I hate to call her a rebound as it was a really different relationship, yet there was no time between Ex1 and Ex2 to go through the healing process i needed to. We broke up 2 months ago and things have got better generally, she gave me a lot of perspective on my relationship with Ex1 and I learnt a lot about love and respect and what being a partner is. It was painful but I had to come clean on everything. I've changed my attitudes towards the kind of life i want to lead - three h's - thanks AJ (honesty/humble/hunger) so I decided not to lie to her. I told her I hadn't completely gotten over my ex when I was with her. It was stopping me moving on and whilst she was a MUCH better partner than Ex1, I wasn't able to fall in love with her. It tore her apart, she genuinely loved me, whereas I don't think Ex1 every really did. It broke my heart again to see her so hurt, I feel so guilty as I care for this girl so much! She is an inspiration and a really fantastic woman, I could've lost a perfect partner because I couldn't properly heal whilst i was with her. SO I HAVE TO HEAL. I HAVE TO! I've broken the back of the depression, I've accepted that the Ex1 relationship ending was inevitable. I've moved on in so many ways and decided to go about the rest of my life to make it the best of my life. I've taken up new hobbies, created new habits, been on a couple dates since Ex2 (been honest i don't want a relationship right now) re-connected with old friends and cut out of my life people which no longer serve the positive forward thinking life i want to live. I am exercising daily, laughing regularly, setting goals and achieving them. I'm in the process of developing a business plan so I can work towards being my own boss and live the work/life balance i want... I've set boundaries as to what kind of partner I want, boundaries supporting my parents, decided what kind of people I want to associate myself with and what activities are worthy of my time, I've moved out and made myself house proud, I've become independent financially and mostly emotionally. I've stopped playing games and wasting time on non-productive distractions, I've journaled, learn't lessons from the past, I've read, I've listened to podcasts and spent a small fortune of therapy, I've healed... ... and I haven't... Every morning (and occasional moments in the day) I'm filled with loss, regret and the generally history with Ex1 weighing me down... its been nearly 18 months and I haven't let go !!! I am desperate to just let it go, it's been hanging like a noose around my neck for far too long. So, the way I see it, i need to make an action, like I've taken action to improve other aspects of my life. Only action I can think of is to face the demon directly, I've done every other action that's supposed to help me move on. Now I know NC is forever, there's risks in getting in contact, emotions return and I don't know what nature the response may be. Closure comes from within... and ultimately there's nothing really to gain. BUT ... if this contact gives me peace... it's priceless... So, I constructed this email. I would like your advice as to any experience in sending something like this. To put where we're at in context - I haven't heard from her since she called me in March - I was in the physio waiting room, so I had to cut her off after 5 mins. She had an excuse for calling so I assume it was to check up on me because I've been a ghost for nearly a year. I didn't call her back after, some 'mutual' friends told me she only ever speaks highly of me a couple of weekends ago. The email: Hey, I know this is completely random and out of the blue. I’ve just been ‘cleaning out my closet’ … and there’s some stuff I just wanted you to know.. First off I just want to say sorry… Sorry that I didn’t show you the respect you deserved (being late constantly/supportive of your career and goals). Sorry I didn’t act like a partner to you - more an arrogant boyfriend that did stuff for you expecting you to be grateful. Sorry I didn’t prioritise you like a partner should... rather I tried to ’satisfy’ you… whilst trying to keep everyone happy, not just me and you happy. Sorry I wasn’t the man i portrayed at the start, I lost that control of myself whilst trying to do stuff for everyone else, that’s what the guilt I felt for months which taught me to person I had to re-align to. Sorry that I ever made you feel like you were replaceable, you’re not. And sorry that I lost your trust, I didn’t make my actions back my words. I know i wasn’t all bad, I tried to be a good boyfriend the naive way i knew how, I just didn’t know enough. I know you breaking up with me was very hard to do, but you knew it was necessary. In reality it was, it was inevitable, I hadn’t had it happen to me before and there’s a lot of change that it’s mean’t to cause. I had a lot of childish habits that needed breaking, it was only through my heartbreak that I broke those too… so thank you. I want to say thank you for some other things too; For breaking my heart and not telling me why…so I could re-gather myself working out where it went wrong and what I have to work on by myself. For making me wake up to the fact I need to be independent and live my own life, not wait around on my parents lives, my time shouldn’t have been torn between you and them, just me and you, like a team… Making me think about who i want to be when i’m older and what kind of life i want to live, i’m not going to die from poor health at 50. For not taking me back when nothing had changed, so I had opportunity to. For all the happy memories, I really loved you and your company whilst it lasted. And finally for being someone i’d waited a long time to fall in love with… it was a great sensation. I imagine that you are kind of shocked that I’ve sent this, moreover a bit perplexed why… well in all reality whilst we only went out for a short length of time, it took me longer than our relationship to get over you. You did mean the world to me but i didn’t realise quite how much until I accepted it was over. I really hope you are smashing your Legal Training and you’re happy, you are a very intelligent and beautiful woman and person. You will go very far in life, ignore all the nay-sayers. James I'm torn as to suggest a meet-up or wait on her response. Either way there could be a response... or there isnt'.. both have meaning which i understand. If she really is a narcissist and didn't love me, this will just inflate her ego. I don't really care For those with a week to read the back-story - my previous threads are below. I humbly seek your advice. Thank you http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/601277-first-heartbreak-late-20s http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/602961-am-i-wrong-planning-re-connect-well-future http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/606579-christmas-closure http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/614537-back-again-need-some-guidance-tough-decision http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/614891-recent-dreams-gut-feeling-reach-out-there-way-reconcile http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/622381-letting-her-go-gently http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/627319-my-experiences-my-life-my-journal
SammySammy Posted July 25, 2017 Posted July 25, 2017 Don't send that. All of the apologizing and groveling is not necessary. If anything, it will make her think less you. She speaks well of you now. Continuing to grow and be a better man is all you need to do. Don't say. Do. Live it. ETA: I really appreciate someone who can take an honest look at themselves and make changes to improve their life. I respect that tremendously.
Chin Up Posted July 25, 2017 Posted July 25, 2017 (edited) Pack your bags, we're going on a guilt trip! DO! NOT! SEND! Something about that letter has a yucky manipulative vibe to it. It sounds like you're shining her on. "Oh how I've changed, I'm the man of your dreams now, you've taught me so much and my wings have finally unfurled and I'm soaring to new heights blahblahblah..call me?" If you truly mean all those things, why do you feel the need to tell her? Closure comes from within. I can think of buttload of things I've learned from exs, and things I did wrong. I've never sent any of them pathetic letters that show I'm still sitting around performing a severely dragged out port mortem autopsy of the relationship, cuz they don't 2 shts or a fk about that! It's done, it's over, moving on. I'm not you, she's not me, but if I read that from an ex, I'd either laugh or get pissed off cuz it's pretty transparent. Sorry. I know it seems like a super awesome idea, but it's not. You're going to feel like a huge tool for sending it and not getting a response, and then come back dismayed and admitting it was "fishing" attempt, she didn't bite, and why oh why did I send that letter?! Seen it a million times. Or, go ahead and send a bunch of emotional vomit to your ex. Pop quiz: What do you hope to gain from sending that letter, that you can't accomplish within yourself? Edited July 25, 2017 by Chin Up 1
Author BrokenHeartedMan89 Posted July 25, 2017 Author Posted July 25, 2017 I didn't intend for it to come across as manipulative or 'fishing' way at all. There is an element of a guilt trip admittedly, and it probably reeks of emotional vomit. I just tried to keep it short, concise and succinct. Albeit the 'thank you' section is stomach churning and I admit that myself, I'm essentially wanting to say sorry and I understand why it happened, that I forgive her for it. Pop quiz answer: Letting her know what effect she has had on me and a clear conscience that I'd apologised for essentially being a dic k. I'm not proud of that time and I've accepted it myself. I'm hoping for a positive response where I can say that's that.
Chin Up Posted July 25, 2017 Posted July 25, 2017 It all boils down to this.. I'm hoping for a positive response where I can say that's that. You're really just going to drop correspondence with her after getting a positive response? C'mon. You're working the angles to try and get your foot in the door. You don't need her to forgive you, if you've truly forgiven yourself. And that's why it comes off as manipulative. A loaded email disguised as a nice gesture. Dumpees always think they're so crafty and clever, plotting ways to contact their ex, get a reaction, tell everyone it's super legit cuz they delude themselves into believing it, cuz they have this "end result" in their head that ends in their favor somehow, and then reality gives them a faceplant going at terminal velocity. If you reaaaally feel the need to send it, knock your socks off. But be prepared for that faceplant when she can't be bothered to answer, or give you a generic reply to these types of letters "thank you for the apology, I learned a lot from you to. I wish you all the best -TheEx" and you get giddy cuz they replied and were nice, then feel like crap cuz yeah they were nice, and clearly don't give a crap and are super totally over you, and then you suddenly realize how pathetic and transparent the letter was and feel like a rejected fool, etc etc etccccc Seen it all. You have mutual friends, she's been getting wind of what you're up to. If she hasn't bothered to contact you, this letter is futile at best, humiliating at worst. Your call, but I think you'll regret it. They always do. Better off focusing your efforts on moving on instead. 1
Chin Up Posted July 25, 2017 Posted July 25, 2017 (edited) Your very first post... Last time i saw her (nearly 3 weeks ago and 4th contact since break-up - after begging at the start...) I explained what i’d done, how I’ve changed (lost 3 stone, got back in to gym, budgeted, stopped smoking)... basically every excuse or vice of mine she had once commented on when we were together I've taken a grip of... I have been so shattered in our time apart that I've re-evaluated everything in my life. I feel like if i'd have been true to how I want to be and left some of my naive and childish habits behind we'd still have been together.. She said there’s no way back to the way we were now, it’s been too long. There was obviously no remorse about the pain she had put me in. She went on to say how I am ‘such a great guy, she had an amazing time and I was a good boyfriend. But we’re just not right for each other Still feel like sending that email? Edited July 25, 2017 by Chin Up
Author BrokenHeartedMan89 Posted July 26, 2017 Author Posted July 26, 2017 Chin Up, You're absolutely correct, thank you for your perspective. I won't be sending her anything. Thank you. I need to carry on doing what i'm doing until she's just a distant memory. Weirdly, she text me last night 'i found your box of curtain rings ' ... I've not yet responded... I think that I should just delete it rather than entertain any small talk?... your advice here again would be appreciated. There are a lot of reasons why I know she's not the one for me, she's not wifey for lifey material, even though i once thought she was. She's not maternal, she's selfish and she didn't love me ... pretty bloo*dy good reasons not to marry her. Whilst I've got my perspective on what I did wrong and what habits and characteristics i need to and have started to change to become a better person and partner in the future. Regardless, I was still a devoted boyfriend that really loved her and she knew it. It's just a desire to get closure and clarity that bothers me, even though I understand it myself. I know that email is an emotional vomit trail and I will be deleting it. Many thanks
Chin Up Posted July 26, 2017 Posted July 26, 2017 It's hard. I'm the dumper this go around, and I catch myself thinking up reasons to text him. It's not worth it tho. To be ignored, get a cold answer, have a nice convo then back to being ignored mid chat, etc. Messes with the head. I imagine you don't give a rats azz about curtain rings lol. I'd ignore it. I'd go NC until you can have a convo with her without your heart fluttering and guts in knots. Basically, when you're no longer looking for reasons to talk/hoping they'll reach out, then it's ok lol.
SevenCity Posted July 26, 2017 Posted July 26, 2017 Save the letter and send it - once you are COMPLETELY over her. Like to the point where you could become best friends with her new boyfriend and not care when he goes into graphic details about their sex life. Then, ask yourself if you want to send it. I promise you won't. You admittedly are not over her. Hence, any actions you are plotting are based on emotion and not logic. Emotional decisions never work out long term. I'm also not crazy how you let go of ex2. It might be a long time before you find a girl who ticks all the boxes like she did. I guess everyone here would say you did the right thing but knowing how long it can take to find a compatible partner you may have gotten lucky and just threw that big fish back in the water saying "Meh, I'm not hungry now". Also, if anything your ex should be apologizing to you. Your best course of action is to act as if she's dead and proceed accordingly. Even a response to the curtain rings is futile as you've admitted she is not LTR material.
Author BrokenHeartedMan89 Posted July 27, 2017 Author Posted July 27, 2017 Thank you again for your honest thoughts. You are both correct and admittedly right, it's horrible to admit considering everything i've done to get myself where I am now, but i'm still not there. I didn't respond... and she sent a follow up message last night 'if you want these hooks you'll need to come get them, probably now xx'. I was at rugby training so only got it a couple of hours later... I politely responded, 'No, you can bin them, thank you though'.... I figure that's at least a step in the right direction... A 6 month younger version of me would've clasped on to any chance to see her... If she decided to meaningfully open up dialogue i'll be more open about it. SevenCity - In all honesty i'm not happy with myself how I treated Ex2. It's a prime example why to avoid 'rebounding', had I not been an emotional wreck with a face on It could've been different. I just couldn't take the guilt knowing I was thinking of someone else any longer. I thought it would pass, it lessened but it didn't really go away properly. It was so fresh that everything she did I compared with her and when I did something she'd bring Ex1 up... it was unhealthy. We've discussed it, i've been honest and we've communicated well. I think there's still a genuine affection for each other there and I hope there's a chance in the future when i'm in a better place and i've put the demons to bed. Thanks again for your objective perspective on this, I think you've saved me some considerable further heart ache and embarrassment.
SevenCity Posted July 27, 2017 Posted July 27, 2017 That took a lot of willpower to say no to getting the hooks. Ps: it wasn't about the hooks. You may have had sex with her if you went by. Sounds like she was fishing for something and offered for you to come by (in a rather manipulative way though "right now"). But, if getting over this girl who is not LTR material is your goal, you just saved yourself a huge setback. Bravo.
DevastatedJDC Posted July 29, 2017 Posted July 29, 2017 (I made the mistake of sending the following letter and got no response.... Now all I feel is hurt that I was naive enough to think he would even care what I was saying.... Two months out from the letter and finally slowly (very slowly) starting to move on as it did help me realize there was no hope) While grieving the end of our old relationship, the following paragraph was in something I read: You want someone who believes you are the be-all, end-all, not someone who finds you optional. You want someone who appreciates how great you are. You want someone with the vision who appreciates all that you are and all that you can be. You want someone who will love you and think you are the best thing ever. At first read, I thought “of course that’s how we felt about each other”, but then it hit me like a brick right between the eyes – I thought I was treating you and showing you I felt like that the entire time, when in reality I couldn’t possibly have been because I was investing energy in two worlds and holding back in both of them…. The word “optional” literally jumped off the page at me. It opened up a flood of emotions about all the times over the 11.5 years that you must have felt like an option and how each time slowly chipped away at our relationship. I thought we had reached a compromise, when I never should have settled for a “compromise”. It was selfish on my part putting my fear above your feelings. In my heart, you were never an “option” but I now see how my actions made it seem that way. I can’t imagine how that must have made you feel for so long. For all those times I am truly sorry and ask for your forgiveness. It also made me realize the impact this had on planning a future together - in my heart and head, the future was always us together, but it’s now so clear how it couldn’t have survived with my fear of being open to my family and others. Now that my worlds are merged it’s hard to believe I didn’t realize this sooner (another brick between the eyes). I see how difficult it must have been for you to stay in a long term relationship with the future clouded by my fears. For this, I’m also sorry and ask for your forgiveness. Another reading included the following: Relationship breaks are not a onetime severance like a death. They are a bending, shaping, stretching and realigning that enhances the relationship. It had to come from a break because the relationship was in a false bubble which had to be burst before it could exist and breathe in a normal healthy world. I reached out to {X} and {Y} a while back for help with processing what was happening and to learn more about their successful 33 year relationship which I greatly admire. They shared with me that about 13 years into their relationship they also went through a very rough patch and separated, but through work and counseling, reunited to a new relationship that has been fantastic for 20+ years. I’m not suggesting counseling or that just because they were able to do this that we can or should, but wanted to share the success story of two friends who we both greatly respect as an example of the possibilities. The last three months have been spent doing a lot of soul searching, self-reflection, and reading. The “bubble” that our old relationship was in burst for good reasons, and things couldn’t continue without change. Two significant changes that I hope have a positive impact on our relationship existing and breathing in a healthy world are: • Opening up to my family about who I am and about you. It has been so well received and liberating, except for the regrets of not doing it sooner and the impact of that on us. I would add friends to this list, but that was such a small step it was insignificant - it was just a matter of affirming what they already knew and I already knew they knew. • My health - dropping the pounds I gained over the last 10 years and getting my cholesterol in check has given me so much more energy and happiness - both of which I want to whole heartedly share with you. The weight loss combined with the removal of the shackles I’d put on myself have me very excited about the future, which I hope can be with you. I know it takes two to reconcile, and I wouldn’t want you to reluctantly come back to the table, nor would I want to be with someone that no longer wants to be with me. I can’t reason or logic us back into a relationship, but I can share where I now am and make sure there is an awareness of where that is. I don’t know where you currently are, but wherever that is, I respect it and want you to be happy. I love you to infinity,
Chin Up Posted July 30, 2017 Posted July 30, 2017 I had sent a "letter" to an ex waaay back. I felt so low afterwards. Like I was a cheap car salesman and I was trying to "sell myself" to him. Never did, or will ever do, that again. I know it's disappointing, but I think a lot of people here can relate to the "oh sht, I sent a letter!!!" 1
fieldoflavender Posted July 30, 2017 Posted July 30, 2017 I didn't even send a "letter" but I sent some stupid thing 1 week post break up (I will give myself a break, it was 1 week post break up) where I promised to be a better person and prove that i loved him. Two months out now - I realize I didn't really love him the way I thought. It's not my fault, I had to work through it to see it for what it was. But guess what - he didn't love me like he did either. I wrote letters to him every day but never sent it. I had strong urges to send up until 1 month ago and now I have no desire. It's over. I learned from writing those letters, but now I will write for me - not for him. We are done. Live for yourself.
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