Am I Wrong? Planning to re-connect well in the future...

[BrokenHeartedMan89]

Hi Everyone,

 

I accidentally posted my first break up post in the dating forum (new to this kind of thing)...

 

So i'll try keep this brief...

 

I’m a 27 year old Brit with a good job, friends, health, attractive (i’m told), genuinely a nice guy and a lot going for me… but I’m seriously depressed following the loss of an ex (23 year old) I thought was the one (we dated for a year and i'd started engagement ring shopping two weeks before she ended it)… I've dated a lot of girls but never felt anything like i have for this one, the heartache since has been unbearable

 

Last time i saw her (nearly 3 weeks ago and 4th contact since break-up - after begging at the start...) I explained what i’d done, how I’ve changed (lost 3 stone, got back in to gym, budgeted, stopped smoking)... basically every excuse or vice of mine she had once commented on when we were together I've taken a grip of... I have been so shattered in our time apart that I've re-evaluated everything in my life. I feel like if i'd have been true to how I want to be and left some of my naive and childish habits behind we'd still have been together..

 

She said there’s no way back to the way we were now, it’s been too long. There was obviously no remorse about the pain she had put me in. She went on to say how I am ‘such a great guy, she had an amazing time and I was a good boyfriend. But we’re just not right for each other’… Something I JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND!. I'd literally have jumped in front of a speeding train for this girl. I ended the conversation asking her to not contact me any more as it's too painful for me to be only friends…

 

I've found/realized some interesting info in the last 4 months -

1 - She'd put a timeline on the relationship from the start of 10-12 months... she'd told her friend (before going travelling - which she hasn't).

2 - She'd explained to her flat mate how she wasn't looking for a relationship when she met me, only a 'fu*k buddy* style arrangement

3 - She's got a lot of attributes of a female narcissist (very self-centered, childish tantrums, feeling entitled to money/jobs/success, lived in a bit of a fairy tale world, didn't accept accountability for when she was wrong, very much loved her own image...I could go on)

4 - She alluded to the idea we could be 'friends with benefits' now - she doesn't want a relationship - just a sex toy... That'd eventually kill me so I've refused. (another narc thing is it not)

5 - Her previous relationships (bar one) had been with men already in relationships (infidelity non-conscious)

6 - She'd messaged/had been messaging another man next day (if not before) she split with me... to meet him the weekend after.

7 - Caveat to the above - She's the most attractive, sensual, charming, horny and generally mesmerizing girl I've ever met, her soft north east accent just melts me. (Also the best sex I've ever had in my life!!!)

 

I see how the relationship was ‘toxic’ in ways.. and I didn’t communicate properly in fear that she’d leave me (kept reminding me i didn't have time for her) Even though I stayed at hers 3/4 nights a week.. She'd keep me on my toes constantly to live up to her expectations, which was hard as I lived 45m-1hr away..

 

I can see how a more emotional girl/less narcissistic self-serving person would be better for me… but I can’t shake the notion from my head that I should’ve done things differently! That if i’d not done some things we’d still be together and we’d be that ‘team’ she wanted… although i did everything she asked of me… I thought i could win her affection for me… i was wrong! I do occasionally have a blissful moment when i think there’s nothing I could’ve done to please this girl… She often said she loved me and planned our future together, but I do wonder whether she genuinely mean't it...

 

I know ultimately why she left me was that she lost attraction for me, she once said 'i'm not the man she thought i was at the start of the relationship'. I feel the guilt of the failed relationship immensely and I know there's absolutely no going back (at least any time soon). BUT the guy I portrayed is me... Except i'd let a few vices re-enter my life (eating/smoking/laziness/complacency) when I know she expects greatness... something I want and expect of myself...

 

So what i'm asking is....

 

Am I wrong ... if I set myself a date a couple of years from now... when she's had her 'young wild and free' time whilst she finished off her studying to re-make contact. I was thinking of writing myself a letter with the only copy of her number i have and give it to my family to give back to me on my 29th/30th birthday. I'll set out who I want to be by then, create new habits and follow through with all my conviction so that i'm more successful in health/wealth/independence etc.. be the man i want to be.. that she expected?... Then re-contact her?... I will probably have moved on by then (hopefully).. but I've never fallen for anyone like I have for her... and i've not felt a loss like this before. I don't want to give up as I fought so hard for her, i genuinely think she's the best I can get... or had...

 

Or am I setting myself up for 2/3 years of prolonged heart ache by letting it linger in the back of my mind?!

 

I'd appreciate your thoughts.

[Satu]

There are a few things you've missed:

 

 

1. She's really not a very nice person.

 

2. She used you in quite an obvious way.

 

3. Your feelings don't matter to her.

 

4. You're in love with your idealised image of her, rather than who she really is.

 

5. She's quite a cold, hard-hearted person.

 

6. She doesn't love you. If she did, she'd want to be with you.

 

 

Rather than putting yourself in the freezer for two years, you should go no contact, and get her out of your system.

 

Sorry to be so blunt, but you need to grasp the reality behind your dreams.

 

 

Take care.

[BrokenHeartedMan89]

Satu - Thank you for your honesty and bluntness - i appreciate you talking straight and not sugar coating it. By the other likes it looks like that's the general consensus...

 

I dunno I guess I'm just blaming myself for what I didn't do, rather than all the good i did do... i dunno but, thank you!