First Heartbreak in late 20s

[BrokenHeartedMan89]

Hello Everyone, I’ve not written anything on a website like this before…. But I’m desperate for a way to stop ruminating and obsessing over my first heart break and I think she’s a narcissist! It’s been 4 months now since the split and i’m still empty inside.

 

I’m a 27 year old Brit with a good job, friends, health, attractive (i’m told), genuinely a nice guy and a lot going for me… but I’m seriously depressed following the loss of an ex I thought was the one… I’ve lost all energy for everything I found enjoyment in before her. I think about her still nearly every minute of every day, if not i’m looking up how to get over someone .. I must’ve read every thread on the internet now.

 

We were together for just short of a year and I fell deeply in love with her. I’ve dated a lot of women in my life but never thought long-term until this one. We were so happy together, we made each other laugh all the time, she was gorgeous, inside and out, charismatic, career-driven. I was truly happy! We talked about having kids, her moving in to my new flat i’m in the process of buying (now feels pointless) and planned a future together. There weren’t any major arguments or differences in life goals…

 

A few weeks after returning from a trip to Rome where I’d started to think about buying her a ring… she came over to my house and told me she’d decided that we weren’t compatible with each other and I didn’t have ‘enough time for her’. I spent 3/4 nights a week with her for the whole time we were together and I did everything to try and please her. Probably I did too much pleasing and acted very co-dependent to the point that I stopped looking after myself as I should have (I put on a couple of stone – which has obviously gone now!!). I know i f****d up when I was with her by letting some of my vices getting the better of me… drinking/smoking a bit too much when she is very health conscious and she mentioned in the last few months how I was going to be dead by 50 if i carried on as i was.. but I didn’t act on my promises to do so! I’ve quit smoking and lost 3 stone since, mostly through loss of appetite and innate guilt. But it’s all too little too late!

 

I’ve not really helped myself with breaking no contact, I left it a month before contacting her (having lost weight/smoking) to try and persuade her to give me another shot. She wasn’t interested and had organised to go on holiday for 3 weeks to Thailand (where I’d talked about going with her). Although she admitted she was ‘unrealistically demanding’ of me… she said she wasn’t going to marry me and was pretty rude, saying how all I needed was a homely fat girl, i’m lazy, i have a problem with addiction and we weren’t right for each other.

 

A little over a month later she called me from a holiday with her Dad, I know i should’ve ignored it, but I answered. Thailand had been great and she was having a fabulous time in Tenerife… I’d just found out my Mum had endometrial cancer. She was loving life and I was going through hell, although I tried not to show it. A few weeks later when she was back I called her pleading her to give me another go, that I could be a better man. She said it wasn’t a good time right now and maybe in a couple of years… then a week later I messaged her saying if we could meet just for me to just get closure… the answer was no. I deleted her number and thought that’s that, no more trying!

 

Then a month later (last week) she calls me twice… she was feeling really poorly and wondered if I wanted to go meet for a cup of tea, to see how i was and catch up. Again I shouldn’t have.. but I met her.. she wanted driving around places – not what i’d agreed to do – i wanted to talk so refused the taxi service. I explained what i’d done, how I’ve changed in our time apart for the better, but i know there’s no way back to the way we were now, it’s been too long. She nodded, there was obviously no remorse about the pain she had put me in. She went on to say how I am ‘such a great guy, she had an amazing time and I was a good boyfriend. But we’re just not right for each other’… Something I JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND!. I asked her to never call me again, the same as how i’d ended our last phone call…

 

I can see now how she was very narcissistic in nature (never heard of the word before until someone told me she sounded like one). She was 4 years younger and acted childish… She constantly went on about how ‘special’ she was, how she was a ‘princess’ and deserved/entitled to special treatment and money – my bank balance proved that… Her ‘me’ time was spent dancing/singing in front of the mirror looking at herself… She was manipulative and belittled her parents and friends, she often ‘jokingly’ took the piss out of me… she occasionally went in to a rage at me over the smallest of disagreements… even complained that i’d left her for 30 mins to help out my elderly mum to help her with the shopping… all of the red flags above I ignored… blinded by love…

 

I did feel like a ‘white knight’ at times… doing more than my share in the relationship… (I did 80% of the commuting/dinners) but I was happy doing so because i loved her, I see how it was ‘toxic’ in ways.. and I didn’t communicate properly in fear that she’d leave me.. I can see how a more emotional girl/less narcissistic self-serving person would be better for me… but I can’t shake the notion from my head that I should’ve done things differently! That if i’d not done some things we’d still be together and we’d be that ‘team’ she wanted… although i did everything she asked of me…

 

I feel even stupider that I even let it go on for as long as it did, from the start she said she was looking for a casual relationship, and that she’d be ‘moving away or going travelling in 9 months’ which never came true, but she kept reminding me the whole time…. I thought i could win her affection for me… i was wrong! I do occasionally have blissful moment when i think there’s nothing I could’ve done to please this girl…

 

Please can someone tell me what to do?! I’m fed up of feeling this way. I don’t want to dream of her anymore. I don’t like seeing the flashbacks of her. I don’t want to feel empty inside any more!!!

 

I’ve made the following steps;

 

1 – Blocked her number and deleted her social media

 

2 – Deleted all the photos of her and put all the memorabilia stuff away/returned it.

 

3 – Tried to get back in to the gym but i’m struggling to find the passion, it reminds me of what i ‘should’ve done’

 

4 – Started running – but same as 3 above….

 

5 – Started seeing another girl (that i’ve been completely honest with about where I am getting over my ex – she is very understanding, empathetic and kind!). But I worry it’s still too soon as it’s a reminder as much as a distraction…

 

6 – Been to the Doctors about depression because I was having distressing self-harming thoughts. Which has brought me back from the edge…

 

7 – Tried to get my head back in to my career but I am struggling to give a f**k about literally anything!

 

I know the whole time heals all wounds thing… and no contact at all is the way forward… But I can’t stop the over-thinking. I’m obsessing over it and go from pillar to post with it night and day. Someone please help me, I’ve never been so lost and broken in my life.

 

Thank you.

 

ps. Sorry I just started typing and typing… there’s a lot i felt i needed to say…

[Gaeta]

Hon, you are doing all the right things, you just need to give it time.

 

I know people with broken hearts hate to hear <give it time> but it's really the remedy for what you suffer from. You will go through the 5 steps of grieving which are:

 

1. Denial

2. Anger

3. Bargaining

4. Depression

5. Acceptance

 

Those can come back in none specific order till you reach acceptance.

 

From the last time you had contact with her you have to allow about 4 months to work over 1 year relationship. I know you want the bad feelings to stop, it will. Till then take care of yourself, spend time with people you love and love you back, make plans to travel, take up a new sport, a new hobby, change your furniture, spoil yourself to something you've been wanting for a long time.

[victoria88]

You have some very good advice from "Gaeta".

 

 

Let me add the following:

1) There is a movie in Youtube the title is "The Secret" (of life). An amazing movie, life transforming I would say. Watch it.

2) There are books like "Heal your life" (Louise Hay is the author) and/or "The power of your mind" (the author is John Kehoe). Read one at least, but the best would be to try to read more than one book of these authors...

 

 

I am deeply sorry for what you have been through.

 

I wish you a quick emotional healing.

[thecrucible]

Hello. I'm a (almost) 27 year old Brit too. I really feel for you. I hope you won't be too down on yourself because you've been a great boyfriend. You've also worked hard to get to where you are in life and to get your flat. Make your flat the scene of some great gatherings of friends and then you will associate it with that and not what could have been.

 

I was going through a break-up once and a male friend of mine told me that you get over heartbreak by learning new habits and forming new connections in your brain. So it's meant to take months to stop thinking about them but you can help yourself by starting new projects and hobbies to distract yourself so you are not just thinking about the heartbreak.

 

We were together for just short of a year and I fell deeply in love with her. I’ve dated a lot of women in my life but never thought long-term until this one.

 

You won't be thinking this now but when the time is right, you'll look at it as a relationship which took you closer to what you really wanted.

 

A few weeks after returning from a trip to Rome where I’d started to think about buying her a ring… she came over to my house and told me she’d decided that we weren’t compatible with each other and I didn’t have ‘enough time for her’. I spent 3/4 nights a week with her for the whole time we were together and I did everything to try and please her.

 

She could mean anything by that. It may not be worth analysing though as people give all sorts of reasons for break-ups and you have to decide what she really means by it. Sometimes people aren't entirely truthful either - they just what they think sounds like a good enough reason. Anyway the point is not to analyse what she says. You did your best for her and being a giving person is something that should be admired.

 

I’ve quit smoking and lost 3 stone since, mostly through loss of appetite and innate guilt. But it’s all too little too late!

 

But ultimately you've done it for yourself and it improves your quality of life. I also think she must have been aware of your vices. It's also normal for people to fluctuate in weight especially when comfortable with someone. I know people in long-term relationships who have put on weight and sometimes been a lot skinnier but their relationships are solid. Don't be too hard on yourself.

 

Although she admitted she was ‘unrealistically demanding’ of me… she said she wasn’t going to marry me and was pretty rude, saying how all I needed was a homely fat girl, i’m lazy, i have a problem with addiction and we weren’t right for each other.

 

Sorry to hear that she was rude. It sounds like she's the type to want someone to look up to. I know this married couple who are like chalk and cheese sometimes. She runs half marathons and eats very healthily. And he smokes a pipe and eats too much! They work as I guess they accept each others' differences in that respect.

 

She was 4 years younger and acted childish… She constantly went on about how ‘special’ she was, how she was a ‘princess’ and deserved/entitled to special treatment and money – my bank balance proved that… Her ‘me’ time was spent dancing/singing in front of the mirror looking at herself… She was manipulative and belittled her parents and friends, she often ‘jokingly’ took the piss out of me… she occasionally went in to a rage at me over the smallest of disagreements… even complained that i’d left her for 30 mins to help out my elderly mum to help her with the shopping… all of the red flags above I ignored… blinded by love…

 

Well then you can definitely find someone more down to earth and much better for you. It's a sign of poor character to belittle others like that. I mean that's the sense I got when you said she told you to go with a 'homely fat girl'. It's like she's saying she's too good for you at the same time as making a dig at particular women. That sounds quite arrogant to me.

 

I don't think there is anything you could have done differently in that relationship. Don't blame yourself. It sounds like you've learned what you needed to learn from it and can apply what you've learned to new situations. Your grief will eventually turn to anger and you'll get that drive and passion back.

 

3 – Tried to get back in to the gym but i’m struggling to find the passion, it reminds me of what i ‘should’ve done’

 

4 – Started running – but same as 3 above….

 

Do it for you!

 

I think you should take it one day at a time. That's a cliche but it can be really hard to recover if you ever tell yourself you should be over it. What you are feeling is totally understandable.

[TheAntiHero]

But in the mean time just concentrate on the self improvement.

 

Make her regret her decision down the line here.

 

Have someone I used to see in the gym the I frequent; she dumped me.

 

I try not to make eye contact but from what I did see, she looked horrible and she even had a guy with her while I think in my head, "good riddance".

 

My philosophy is "the best revenge is massive success".

 

Hang in there and best of luck to you, man.

[BrokenHeartedMan89]

Hi Gaeta, Crucible, Victoria and Anit-Hero,

 

Thank you for taking the time to respond to me! I don't know if it's because i'm emotional but your responses brought a tear to my eye. It's good of you to take time out of your day to come back to me.

 

Gaeta - I think I'm getting through the depression / acceptance stage now. I don't feel anger towards her, I want her to succeed in life despite her comments on splitting up. I accept she may not have been 'the one' for me.. even if she is, there's nothing i can do now but leave her alone, as i've asked her to do so for me...

 

Victoria - thanks for the advice, I watched the Alan Watts video (if that's the one you implied?) I'll get the power of your mind book and give it a read, although I'm not usually a big 'introspection' kind of guy... I'm normally just practical, but this whole thing has changed me somewhat so I'm willing to try something new! Thank you

 

AntiHero - Thank you, I stopped going to the gym when I was with her as she always wanted picking up/taking to work and I could never fit it in... why I think she thought we weren't compatible (because she wants her cake and to eat it)... I've got a friend's stag doo in Marbella next June... I'll be sure to be in the best damn shape of my life by then! Got to work out what I want now in the rest of my life to be a 'massive success'... thank you

 

Crucible - Nice to hear from a fellow Brit, I thought i'd be speaking to Americans mostly. That's really really good of you to take the time to explain your thoughts on the situation for me. I think you're right that she wants someone 'to look up to'. When we started going out I was in peak health but that slowly declined through lack of time really. I suppose I got comfortable but she was so demanding of spending time with me I figured it was best to see her rather than go gym by myself. She never wanted to move her timetable around so I could get the gym in, it always had to be the rest of my calendar... I guess she didn't respect me enough to forgive that...

 

You're completely right about the arrogance, she's always acted confident and I found it charming before... I was quite shocked at her responses to me though, i was thinking to myself 'who do you think you are'? This is where I've started to realize how narcissistic she is... She's got an overly-inflated opinion of herself... I don't think that even if i'd stayed slim she would've continued to be impressed by me for much longer. (Even though I know i have a lot going for me and and a nice guy alpha-male)... I should've taken heed of the fact most of her previous relationships hadn't lasted very long (and a lot of them were with men that had girlfriends!!)

 

I just don't get how she'd forgotten all the good times we had together, she only brought up the petty nuances of what i'd done wrong that didn't suit her (Like tip a taxi driver £2)... never mind the fact I'd driven up to Newcastle and used my whole weekend to help her out... Everything i'd done wasn't enough, I blamed myself for that. I need to stop though. She also said she needs someone that's 'got the emotions of a cardboard box'... well good luck to her. I honestly just wish I'd never met her, it's been the worst pain I've ever felt because I was so in love with who I thought she was. Now I realize that that person never really existed and all the 'I Love You's never mean't anything.

 

But thank you for your comments, I'll keep re-reading them when I'm feeling low and having a rough day... Which is still most days. I'm going to book a trip early in the new year hopefully if I can afford it so I can get away from everything for a while.

 

Also you'll be glad to know my Mum has just got the all-clear on the cancer front so that's at-least one less stress. That couldn't have come at a worse time! ... Whilst i'm at it, on the pity train... I injured my rib in Rugby a month after the break up, after catch up appointment at the doctor last Friday he informed me i'd broken my rib, that's why it's still painful... What a fu**ing year eh!!. Bring on a new beginning in 2017.

 

Anyway thanks again everyone, it means a lot to me..

[BaileyB]

I'm sorry that you have been struggling to get over the breakup, but glad to hear that you mum is doing better.

 

If I may say, I think you learned a lot about yourself and the kind of partner you want to chose for a long term relationship. Based on what you've described, this woman would have been challenging to live with long term... Any relationship where you are doing more of the work is not a good relationship. And the way she treated you post-breakup is terrible - I dare say that it was good she revealed herself to you before you got serious because it's an easier break before you move in together, marry, and have children. I think you dodged a bullet wih that one...

 

I truly believe that everything happens for a reason in this life and you learn from every experience. If you have found another woman who is kind and treats you well, I hope you have the good sense to recognize that and hold onto her. Apply the things you have learned in your past relationship such that you don't make the same mistakes again... Best wishes.

[Standard-Fare]

It sounds to me like you're doing all the right things and you're on a positive path toward healing, BrokenheartedMan.

 

You just need to accept that this is difficult, and will continue to be difficult for a while. Breakups SUCK. They tear you apart. And most everyone goes through that at some point in their lives. You are not alone.

 

And you may ALWAYS have hurt feelings or doubts or questions about this situation. Accept that. But you will go back to a leading a normal life that isn't constantly clouded by the emotions of a broken heart. Best of luck to you.

[BrokenHeartedMan89]

I dare say that you are probably right BaileyB that I might have dodged a bullet. And what I had could have been more infatuation than an all powerful mutual love... If you can personify what I'm attracted to... it was her - tall, blonde, beautiful, soft north-east accent... confident and charming, really thought i'd hit the jackpot and why I worked so hard for it... Which ultimately isn't healthy in itself...

 

I just can't help but wonder what could've been if i'd done some things differently. The only real warning signs i should've seen was that she said a couple of times that we 'weren't enough of a team'...whatever you can read in to that.. I thought i was being a considerate boyfriend all the time and letting her have her own space and independence. Am I wrong... thinking that some time in a year or two it might work?... That she just needs some time to get being 'young wild and free' out of her system.... ?!

 

I do get how I am probably better off... or I will do... ending now rather than in 5-10 years with kids/marriage on the line. They say women turn in to their mothers' ... and her parents had just split up after a 20 year marriage because her father was exhausted and degraded trying to please her mum... (I related well to him when i met him). Maybe it's a sign to break that cycle. She hated me saying she was more alike her mum than she realized... equally as self-serving and orientated.. whilst I was quite a bit like her dad...

 

You're right though... they ****ing SUCK and I've never felt anything as crippling in my life. I've had puppy love heart breaks but nothing like this. Months of eating and sleep deprivation, waking up in cold sweats having spent nights dreaming of her... I'm tired of holding on to any hope now and willing to move on, i just need my subconscious to do the same... I have learn't a lot though... I know I will one day look back at this time as possibly a defining moment in my life. I think it's really triggered something inside of me that's made me wake up...

 

Bailey - Yeah I'm taking her to Ireland with me next weekend on a work/leisure weekend. She's the opposite of the Ex, brunette, kind, not quite as funny and a bit serious.. but I guess I owe her some time with me having a clear mind about her. It hasn't been fair for me to compare her because she's not the same. It just guts me when I say something the ex used to giggle or mimic that I say, and I get nothing like that back.. I know she's different and everything and she's funny in other ways. Just got to get used to that i suppose. I need to look deeper than looks and humour i guess...

 

Thanks again http://www.loveshack.org/forums/images/red/icons/icon7.gif