How do I know if I am a rebound or a catch?

[Vyliss]

I had much the same thought when I was dating. I thought if a guy hadn't been at least single for 1+ year, I was wary of getting involved for risk of being a rebound. However now my opinion about this has somewhat changed.

 

If you've met a truly amazing, wonderful man, who is "perfect" for you, even if you may end up being a rebound in the beginning and then have to deal with all his issues and baggage, in the end it may be worth it.

 

I was in this boat. Started dating my guy when he was only 6 months out of his divorce. Very short I know and I was wary. At the time he reassured me he was over it and she and he was both moving on (although even at the time I thought he was more so referring to her moving on and him feeling like he should as well).

 

We started dating and within a short time we both realized he was not over his ex and still had baggage. I thought, "screw that, I don't want to deal with another man's baggage"... but then realized "what divorced 30+ guy wouldn't have baggage?" Just because I didn't, didn't mean what I wanted was any way realistic.

 

So I stuck it out and within a VERY short amount of time, one to two months, he was over his ex and more deeply in love with me than ever. Interesting huh? It's like the fact that he could confide in me and I could just accept it and patiently work through it with him actually made it easier for him to move on.

 

So that's my two seconds. If you really like this guy I say the risk is worth the reward.

[Logo]

He will be into her temporarely. At first he will want to see her often and spend all of his free time with her. Then, reality will hit him, reality is he is not over his ex yet. They have been together for 15 years, that is a very long time, you don't forget 15 years by snapping your fingers or because you meet a cute girl. He'll start wanting to find himself, he'll start wanting to accomplish some of his old dreams, he'll start wondering if it's smart to get out of a 15 year marriage and settle down right after without enjoying his single life again. One day he'll sit her down and he'll tell her those famous words: i don't think I am ready for a serious relationship.

 

Sounds familiar. I think I was the rebound relationship for my ex, also known as the last b***h I dated. When the relationship failed, she blamed it on me, even though I was the one who put in 90% of the effort.

[Ami1uwant]

Are there signs to look out for?

Is there a formula people follow?

 

The guy I am dating for a month now, got out of a 15 year relationship in January.

Of course, the break up was 1 year (if not 5) in the making, but it's still only half a year of him living alone, and committing to himself again.

 

Is it possible, our feelings for each other are strong enough to make it?

Or am I fooling myself?

 

Hope some of you can share their experiences, from both sides.

I can share details, if necessary.

 

 

My rules around dating someone out of a past relationship....there are factors:

 

1. length of relationship

2. Why did it end ? Was it sudden or a slow drift

3. how traumatic was it--catching someone cheating in the act will be more traumatic.

4. How was the separatiion/divorce--was it peaceful or hard fought

5. Do they have shared things such as children?

 

generally if you have a marriage it could take 3 months at least to over a yr before someone could date again. Even then, They could be just wanting to play the field. It may take abother 6-12 months or more before they want something serious again. Longer if they felt they were scared by their past long term relationship.

[heavenonearth]

My rules around dating someone out of a past relationship....there are factors:

 

1. length of relationship

2. Why did it end ? Was it sudden or a slow drift

3. how traumatic was it--catching someone cheating in the act will be more traumatic.

4. How was the separatiion/divorce--was it peaceful or hard fought

5. Do they have shared things such as children?

 

generally if you have a marriage it could take 3 months at least to over a yr before someone could date again. Even then, They could be just wanting to play the field. It may take abother 6-12 months or more before they want something serious again. Longer if they felt they were scared by their past long term relationship.

 

1. 15 years

2. they grew apart. i think that was the main point. a very slow drift of 5 years, i think.

3. no cheating

4. not sure if hard fought, but i think long talks and reiteration until acceptance hit, other than that, rather peaceful

5. no kids. they shared a home and office, she moved out of both

 

it's now been 6 months since they officially split (although i believe he emotionally opted out of the relationship over a year go.)

[No_Go]

Is there any way to hear her part of the story? Just the whole 'grow apart' thing is hard to believe after a decade of life commitment to her....

 

1. 15 years

2. they grew apart. i think that was the main point. a very slow drift of 5 years, i think.

3. no cheating

4. not sure if hard fought, but i think long talks and reiteration until acceptance hit, other than that, rather peaceful

5. no kids. they shared a home and office, she moved out of both

 

it's now been 6 months since they officially split (although i believe he emotionally opted out of the relationship over a year go.)

[Space Ritual]

I personally would not touch him with a 6' pole.

 

I made a point of dating men single for at least 2 years when I was searching. The last thing I wanted was to be used as a band-aid on a wound.

 

It takes about 25% of the length of the relationship to completely move on from a break up. That's a couple of years for him maybe more. It's not an accurate science but it's rule of thumb you should keep in mind.

 

OP this is about the best advice you are going to get.

 

I hate to say it but for all intents and purposes you are a rebound. If for nothing else, for this guy to prove in his mind he still has "It" after such a long relationship and him being off the market for that long.

[Blanco]

I think it also matters if the guy feels like he's dating out of his league or not. Generally, no matter how long the guy was married, if he feels like he's dating someone who's superficially out his league, he's probably going to do what he can to make it work, especially if he's of the meek variety.

[elaine567]

I think it also matters if the guy feels like he's dating out of his league or not. Generally, no matter how long the guy was married, if he feels like he's dating someone who's superficially out his league, he's probably going to do what he can to make it work, especially if he's of the meek variety.

 

Good thinking.

I can see that working for women too actually.

Just out of 15 year marriage/relationship, manages to date a guy who she feels is a lot superior to her husband and as long as he is not a d/bag, she will want to hold onto him.

She traded her husband in for a better model.

[Blanco]

Good thinking.

I can see that working for women too actually.

Just out of 15 year marriage/relationship, manages to date a guy who she feels is a lot superior to her husband and as long as he is not a d/bag, she will want to hold onto him.

She traded her husband in for a better model.

 

Yup. I'm not one to marginalize the need for healing and self-reflection after a breakup, but the reality is, sometimes life presents the person an opportunity that they probably can't bank on having again if they wait for the "right" time.

 

So it's an interesting twist to consider that relationships that originate from such beginnings will ultimately be ended by the person who's technically the rebound, since the person who's "rebounding" thinks/knows they won't find someone better and is subsequently less likely to break it off.

[Mkn1010]

I think it also matters if the guy feels like he's dating out of his league or not. Generally, no matter how long the guy was married, if he feels like he's dating someone who's superficially out his league, he's probably going to do what he can to make it work, especially if he's of the meek variety.

 

 

I respectfully disagree with this. Without sounding arrogant, I was definitely out of the league of the separating guy I briefly dated, so much so that his insecurity got the better of him, eg he would make little comments to bring me down a few pegs (I'm a tall women and have long fingers, so he called me a 'praying mantis'), I'm also a lawyer and so he would continuously try to find opportunities to correct my grammar etc. This guy was 5-6 months out of his marriage and his ego had taken a massive hit, which was clear by his insecure behavior!

 

 

So my point is, that he hadn't had sufficient time to heal himself, he admitted that he thought I was amazing but that made his insecurity about me ultimately ditching him much greater. Sometimes after meaningful discussions where he'd reveal more about who he was, he would feel like I was going to just bail. He said to me that sometimes he feels like ending it before I have the chance to. I even got a text from him once that said something like "I'm sure I've already broken all of your deal-breakers so I guess we can just be friends". It was so strange.

 

 

SO when you think you're dating someone 'out of your league' but are deeply insecure from the breakdown of your past relationship (seeing it as a personal failure etc), you're more inclined to behave bizarrely and wreck things with the new person out of a subconscious attempt at self-preservation.

 

 

Just my two cents!

[heavenonearth]

Is there any way to hear her part of the story? Just the whole 'grow apart' thing is hard to believe after a decade of life commitment to her....

 

As far as I know she is having a hard time with it, she wanted to stay together and is crushed over the break up, which is why they have very limited contact. She has also moved to a different part of the country now to avoid him.

Their contact is limited to professional stuff, such as emptying her part of the office to make room for a new tenant/office mate.

Let it be said they were in couples counseling for many years, and she was out of a job for a while too, he felt he needed to be there for her, it was never a good time to break it off, until he, so he tells me, finally realized that the relationship was just dead, and it was dragging him along, he wasn't himself anymore (neither of them were).

 

And I will most likely never hear her part of the story. I am just waiting to meet some of his friends to see how they will react to me being around. From what he said, they have never seen him happier as right now.

[No_Go]

All this said I think it is quite honorable of him to stay with her throughout the issues that she and they have had, and not start having 'wondering eyes' to date other people while still with her. I've heard men starting to sniff around when they are ''unhappy', great that he kept his part of the commitment.

 

I've been in such a dragged out break up recently and it was excruciating. We were 'broken up' but living together with all the jazz for a while, then 'broken up' and 'dating to see how it goes' ... The break up process dragged for 6 months and it was relationship of a bit under 2 years... I can't even imagine after 15 years.

 

I'd be very worried for the contact with the ex (for us it was always leading to fwb rebounds), but if she's physically moved away - it is probably a no issue.

 

He's probably ecstatic he's out of the dragged out situation... But hopefully there is more than that and your relationship has legs to grow stronger.

[Ami1uwant]

Is there any way to hear her part of the story? Just the whole 'grow apart' thing is hard to believe after a decade of life commitment to her....

 

This does happen after 15 years...especially if they had children together. You can have 2 great years of relationship, get married, then shortly into the marriage they have children, then the children are the focus. Now the kids have grown up to beyond the time you are fully responsible for them, then you find a lost relationship that has grown apart and you didnt pay attention to who you married. deployments or distant assignments so she would see him in like 2-4 week periods then not see him for 6-12 months thus you didnt get to the point of routine relationship stuff--sort of like the new car smell didnt fade yet.

 

Without kids ---if they regularly are together than it is unusual. If one traveleled fir wirk the it could happen. I knew a couple where he was active duty military who always did 1 yr

 

1. 15 years

2. they grew apart. i think that was the main point. a very slow drift of 5 years, i think.

3. no cheating

4. not sure if hard fought, but i think long talks and reiteration until acceptance hit, other than that, rather peaceful

5. no kids. they shared a home and office, she moved out of both

 

it's now been 6 months since they officially split (although i believe he emotionally opted out of the relationship over a year go.)

 

Was it said who was more at fault?? Also how old did they start their relationship?

 

If they started at around 20 then they wouldnt know adult dating. Had it started at 30 then they had more experience in dating prior so they have a better idea of what they want.

[elaine567]

If they started at around 20 then they wouldnt know adult dating. Had it started at 30 then they had more experience in dating prior so they have a better idea of what they want.

 

He is 38 having been with his partner for 15 years, ie since he was 23.

[Gaeta]

I married at 20 and left the marriage at 35 so this man and I had the same relationship during the same time of our lives. When I divorced I did want to be with someone and the first man I dated made me feel amazing etc etc etc, exactly the same as OP' bf . Of course we feel wonderful, It has been 15 years since we experience butterflies. It's also has been 15 years of being off the dating market and we make the most horrible decisions about people we date, none of it is cerebral and it's all about sexual chemistry. That is why we need to go through a few transition relationships before settling down again.

[heavenonearth]

I married at 20 and left the marriage at 35 so this man and I had the same relationship during the same time of our lives. When I divorced I did want to be with someone and the first man I dated made me feel amazing etc etc etc, exactly the same as OP' bf . Of course we feel wonderful, It has been 15 years since we experience butterflies. It's also has been 15 years of being off the dating market and we make the most horrible decisions about people we date, none of it is cerebral and it's all about sexual chemistry. That is why we need to go through a few transition relationships before settling down again.

 

I just feel that is such an absolute statement to make, I can see how this applies to most people, but it doesn't have to apply to every single person.

[Redhead14]

I just feel that is such an absolute statement to make, I can see how this applies to most people, but it doesn't have to apply to every single person.

 

but it doesn't have to apply to every single person - It doesn't have to apply to every single person, but this is really an odds thing -- The majority of people do go through an adjustment period after coming out of a long-term relationship. The odds are that this guy isn't too sure/doesn't really know what he wants and doesn't want. So for you, it's a risk/reward situation. Taking the risk of allowing yourself to become so attached to this guy and having him realize he hasn't "explored" enough, is greater than the likelihood of getting what you want from him.

 

If I were you, I would have a conversation with him about where YOU want to be in 2 or 3 years and then see what he thinks he wants. If he's on the same basic page and he seems to be moving things that way with you, great. But, set a mental time limit for yourself, say 6 months, and then re evaluate the relationship -- is it heading in the direction you'd like, is he continuing to demonstrate sincerity If not, then you just move on.

 

Truthfully, your relationship "model" puts you in a gray area -- having children with a man, being in a relationship but not expecting or wanting marriage. Lot's of people aren't married and have children, yes. But, what does this guy want? Maybe he doesn't want children at all or if he does, he would want to be married to the mother of his children. You gotta be clear with him and get clarity from him before you go too far down this road.

[Gaeta]

I just feel that is such an absolute statement to make, I can see how this applies to most people, but it doesn't have to apply to every single person.

 

I was talking about how I felt when I got out of a 15 year marriage and how a lot of people feel like when exiting a long term relationship. No, it does not apply to everyone there are exceptions here and there, but when I was dating and looking for a man I was staying away from 'exceptions'. I did not want to go fish in the pound of 'recently divorced men' just in case I may catch an exception.

 

Have you dated a lot before this man?

 

See I have dated a ton, and I have learn a lot through my dating. One of the things I have learn of course is to stay away from men freshly out of relationships because they mean low success rate. I have also learn something else, I have learn that there are hundreds of single men out there and if I say *no* to dating a man I am not missing out on anything. There are many other men compatible to me that would be a great partner and for whom I'd develop out-of-this-world feelings.

 

Another interesting topic is why would you pick such a man to date. I have learn with years of dating that those are the man we pick when we're not ready to invest ourselves. It's all on an unconscious level of course but it's there dictating your unusual choice of men.

Edited July 10, 2017 by Gaeta

[Blanco]

I respectfully disagree with this. Without sounding arrogant, I was definitely out of the league of the separating guy I briefly dated, so much so that his insecurity got the better of him, eg he would make little comments to bring me down a few pegs (I'm a tall women and have long fingers, so he called me a 'praying mantis'), I'm also a lawyer and so he would continuously try to find opportunities to correct my grammar etc. This guy was 5-6 months out of his marriage and his ego had taken a massive hit, which was clear by his insecure behavior!

 

 

So my point is, that he hadn't had sufficient time to heal himself, he admitted that he thought I was amazing but that made his insecurity about me ultimately ditching him much greater. Sometimes after meaningful discussions where he'd reveal more about who he was, he would feel like I was going to just bail. He said to me that sometimes he feels like ending it before I have the chance to. I even got a text from him once that said something like "I'm sure I've already broken all of your deal-breakers so I guess we can just be friends". It was so strange.

 

 

SO when you think you're dating someone 'out of your league' but are deeply insecure from the breakdown of your past relationship (seeing it as a personal failure etc), you're more inclined to behave bizarrely and wreck things with the new person out of a subconscious attempt at self-preservation.

 

 

Just my two cents!

 

I think that can be the case of anyone who feels they are punching above their weight, regardless if they've recently left a LTR or not.

 

I dated a girl who was quite beautiful, and she often dated guys who seemed like a superficial mismatch (don't know what that says about ME, haha). While some were just super grateful to be with a gorgeous woman, she told me a couple of them lamented a little too often that they felt she was out of their league and it became a self-fulfilling prophecy where she stopped and thought, "Well, maybe he's not totally wrong."

 

I guess it comes down to the person feeling like they're dating up but being mindful most of the time about not letting that manifest into insecurity or paranoia. It's a difficult balance to strike.

[Mkn1010]

I think that can be the case of anyone who feels they are punching above their weight, regardless if they've recently left a LTR or not.

 

I dated a girl who was quite beautiful, and she often dated guys who seemed like a superficial mismatch (don't know what that says about ME, haha). While some were just super grateful to be with a gorgeous woman, she told me a couple of them lamented a little too often that they felt she was out of their league and it became a self-fulfilling prophecy where she stopped and thought, "Well, maybe he's not totally wrong."

 

I guess it comes down to the person feeling like they're dating up but being mindful most of the time about not letting that manifest into insecurity or paranoia. It's a difficult balance to strike.

 

 

Very true! Although, from my reading on the topic, men coming out of LTRs (especially marriages) suffer a huge ego blow and they have quite a lot of insecurities to work through. Many men feel like a failure for not being able to keep their marriage together etc so that leads to self-esteem issues where the kind of insecurities I talked about are more prevalent than for somebody who had sufficient alone time to heal themselves/get therapy/deal with lingering insecurities/anxieties etc etc

 

 

But I'm a big believer in the power of healing while NOT having a relationship as a distraction/coping mechanism. And my therapist says no one truly heals/grows from within a relationship, it's when you're forced to face yourself that magic happens!

[Blanco]

Very true! Although, from my reading on the topic, men coming out of LTRs (especially marriages) suffer a huge ego blow and they have quite a lot of insecurities to work through. Many men feel like a failure for not being able to keep their marriage together etc so that leads to self-esteem issues where the kind of insecurities I talked about are more prevalent than for somebody who had sufficient alone time to heal themselves/get therapy/deal with lingering insecurities/anxieties etc etc.

 

Oh, for sure. I know that when my longest relationship ended, I felt like a huge failure, even though I had gone above and beyond throughout the relationship. Probably even more so when she got involved with someone else a few weeks after I left.

 

A lot of people suggested just getting back out there, but I knew deep down that I would be of no use to anyone romantically in the condition I was in.

 

But I'm a big believer in the power of healing while NOT having a relationship as a distraction/coping mechanism. And my therapist says no one truly heals/grows from within a relationship, it's when you're forced to face yourself that magic happens!

 

Agreed. Maybe others can multi-task, but I've always had an easier time making big changes single than I have while coupled up.

[Leigh 87]

There is definately a lower success rate with men recently out of long relationships.

 

But I have witnessed successful relationships that started at less than ideal times.

 

Just because something is a bit less likely to last - it COULD still last. Rather than telling the OP why it won't work- how about warning her of the danger while not also implying that she is merely a re bound?

 

We don't know how the man feels. I have seen pictures of them both; they appear to be absolutely glowing. You can't fake that.

 

By the way, the OP is quite beautiful in real life; looks young for her age, is quirky and just different. Intelligent too- so..... it is not difficult to believe that this man HAS genuinely fallen head over heels for her despite the timing not being ideal.

 

 

 

 

People don't often feel that special spark. When we feel it- it is pretty in built for us to chase after things that ee really yearn for, and excite us.

 

Plenty of people feel something a bit special, at inconvenient times. I felt it in my last relationship (which I ended immediately; but refrained from dating the guy as he was a player).

My mate felt it when she was also attached; she broke up with her ex and dated the guy for FOUR YEARS.

All perfect anecdotal evidence that in my own life- I have witnessed various individuals hook up, when they were IN or recently broken up from-- long term relationships.

 

Who are we to say the OP is not that out if his league, rare opportunity type of girl that he cannot pass up?

 

I will also say... the guy the OP speaks of is very good looking. They are about the same league wise. Both very conventionally attractive people. Only he is older and probably sees her as wow - super beautiful.

[Gaeta]

There is definately a lower success rate with men recently out of long relationships.

 

But I have witnessed successful relationships that started at less than ideal times.

 

Just because something is a bit less likely to last - it COULD still last. Rather than telling the OP why it won't work- how about warning her of the danger while not also implying that she is merely a re bound?

We are telling her exactly that. That these relationships have a lower rate of success. That she might be just a rebound. We are warning her.

 

We don't know how the man feels. I have seen pictures of them both; they appear to be absolutely glowing. You can't fake that.

Of course they are glowing and of course it feels like it's real. It's always how it feels at first on a rebound, till the butterflies settles and reality hit him.

 

By the way, the OP is quite beautiful in real life; looks young for her age, is quirky and just different. Intelligent too- so..... it is not difficult to believe that this man HAS genuinely fallen head over heels for her despite the timing not being ideal.

He is infatuated, not in love. Real love takes time and it's foud once past the butterflies and infatuation phase. It takes more than good looks for a man to fall in love with a woman.

[heavenonearth]

My beloved pet passed away yesterday, unexpectedly.

It's the worst time of my life.

I feel so numb.

 

He's rushed to be with me right away, comforting me.

He was with me all night, accompanying me to the cremation tomorrow.

 

It's all so surreal right now. I have never felt such a loss in my life.

I am in tears.

He said he gladly shares my sad.

It feels good to have someone be there for you.

 

Man, this is tough. I am crying all over the place.

I can't believe my poor little baby is gone.

[Gaeta]

My beloved pet passed away yesterday, unexpectedly.

It's the worst time of my life.

I feel so numb.

 

He's rushed to be with me right away, comforting me.

He was with me all night, accompanying me to the cremation tomorrow.

 

It's all so surreal right now. I have never felt such a loss in my life.

I am in tears.

He said he gladly shares my sad.

It feels good to have someone be there for you.

 

Man, this is tough. I am crying all over the place.

I can't believe my poor little baby is gone.

 

I am so sorry for your loss heavenonearth and I mean it from the bottom of my heart. When my last dog passed I was unconsolable and cried each day for weeks. I am glad this man is being a support for you. *big hugs* All my sympathy.