How do I know if I am a rebound or a catch?

[Maggie4]

Forgot to actually answer your question...

 

"The proof is in the pudding."

[heavenonearth]

I think why we are all so concerned, is the fact that you already "love" this guy after only a month, and you seem so determined to take everything he says as the irrefutable truth.

 

YOU are vulnerable, you are 30 and you want to get married and have kids pronto. You have had some bad relationships in the past year.

YOU are therefore perfect material for any guy who wants to feed you a line.

Any guy who wants to tell you what you want to hear.

Any guy who wants to use and abuse you...

 

That is why you need to be very careful here.

YOU don't actually KNOW why this guy left his relationship,(if indeed he has) you only know what HE tells you.

Yes he may be some honest upfront guy with not a bad bone in his body, but he may not be that person at all.

Stop writing that perfect love story in your head

 

I reiterate. Be very careful.

 

 

I don't want to get married.

I am looking to have a child in about 3-5 years, at the earliest.

I am not rushing.

 

I don't love him. But I am falling in love with him. That's two different things.

The process of falling in love is happening, and there is nothing wrong with that.

[heavenonearth]

Good lord you still posting more threads about the same old thing? What do you really want? More people to support your decision to keep seeing this guy?

 

Like I said, dating anyone there will always be risks even if they look great on paper, and you see no issues. If he dumps you he dumps you. You can never know what the future holds. You could get hit by a bus tomorrow....are you going to roll yourself in bubble wrap because you just never know?

 

This thread is not about a love triangle.

There was a post about the love triangle, now there is a post about a different issue.

What's your problem with that?

 

I didn't read the whole thread after you said you're in love.

 

Congratulations! I am happy for you, because love is hard to find.

 

What are you afraid of? You're not getting married, not having kids with him, not giving him your bank account.

 

Afraid of being hurt? True love is not for the weak. If you lack the courage to love then step aside. Stop this mousy suspicion what if this or that. He makes you happy. Treasure that.

 

There is no love police that can stop your heart. Come back when he stops making you happy.

 

Thanks for that, that does make me feel better, and it's true, I should try to worry less and focus on the now, and if problems arise, I will return and MAKE MORE THREADS ABOUT THE GUY, as smackie put it so nicely.

 

Oh thanks!

 

That got me curious so I read her last thread.

 

I found this

 

He also said he wasn't looking to be with anybody anytime soon, but he said I am 'not just anybody'. To me, this is the only catch.

 

I rest my case. He said it: He is not looking for anybody anytime soon. Everything coming out of his mouth after that is just fluff.

 

 

Yes, he was not looking to be with anybody, and then he met me. That was the point he was trying to make. He didn't think he could fall for someone, or see himself with someone again, after having been in such an unhappy relationship for so long.

[Mkn1010]

I was in a similar boat, the guy was 5 months out of his 3 year marriage when we met. It took approx 6 weeks of us 'dating' before he freaked out and pulled the "I'm so sorry, I genuinely thought I was ready but I'm just not". Before which he was adamant that I was "amazing" blah blah and even said that he wouldn't have been able to achieve the physical intimacy with me if he didn't have real feelings, he nearly choked up when he said it too! The point being, he believed it IN THE MOMENT! But the whole time it struck me as odd AS OPPOSED TO FLATTERING that he could say such over-the-top things after a month, but I'm a realist and I watch for actions.

 

He then tried to stay 'friends' with me because he didn't want to part ways, well we did that for a few weeks before I explained that it really wasn't fair to me and POOF he ghosted, never to be heard from again!!

 

I bet in your story some unusual things have already happened that caused you to make this post. You know the answer already, like I did, and it's totally okay if you want to take the risk anyway and just enjoy the moment! I personally am more risk averse these days!

[heavenonearth]

I was in a similar boat, the guy was 5 months out of his 3 year marriage when we met. It took approx 6 weeks of us 'dating' before he freaked out and pulled the "I'm so sorry, I genuinely thought I was ready but I'm just not". Before which he was adamant that I was "amazing" blah blah and even said that he wouldn't have been able to achieve the physical intimacy with me if he didn't have real feelings, he nearly choked up when he said it too! The point being, he believed it IN THE MOMENT! But the whole time it struck me as odd AS OPPOSED TO FLATTERING that he could say such over-the-top things after a month, but I'm a realist and I watch for actions.

 

He then tried to stay 'friends' with me because he didn't want to part ways, well we did that for a few weeks before I explained that it really wasn't fair to me and POOF he ghosted, never to be heard from again!!

 

I bet in your story some unusual things have already happened that caused you to make this post. You know the answer already, like I did, and it's totally okay if you want to take the risk anyway and just enjoy the moment! I personally am more risk averse these days!

 

Thanks for your input.

I will just see where it goes. It's been 5 weeks, and things are going ok.

[SevenCity]

Not sure why everyone feels the need to piss in your cornflakes.

 

This far he has been accused of

 

- not ready for a RL

- in significant debt

- being a con man

- still involved with his ex (though she moved out)

- terrible with money

- a spendthrift

- looking at you as only a replacement he will dump one day

 

The list goes on. This board is full of bitter and jaded people (I count myself as one). But sometimes things work. The times I really fell in love I was not looking for it - it just happened. Maybe that's the case here, maybe not.

 

But as Smackie snarled there is risk involved with everything. It's part of the game. He could be 15 years out of a RL and still be all he has been accused of. Or he could have met someone with which he's formed a stronger bond than anyone prior.

 

My ex was like that to me. One month in I told her I loved her and really meant it for the first time in my life. People like that don't come around very often.

 

As the old saying goes, don't look a gifted horse in the mouth. Enjoy what you have and don't let the naysayers ruin it. If it doesn't work out they will be happy to say I told you so.

[heavenonearth]

Not sure why everyone feels the need to piss in your cornflakes.

 

This far he has been accused of

 

- not ready for a RL

- in significant debt

- being a con man

- still involved with his ex (though she moved out)

- terrible with money

- a spendthrift

- looking at you as only a replacement he will dump one day

 

The list goes on. This board is full of bitter and jaded people (I count myself as one). But sometimes things work. The times I really fell in love I was not looking for it - it just happened. Maybe that's the case here, maybe not.

 

But as Smackie snarled there is risk involved with everything. It's part of the game. He could be 15 years out of a RL and still be all he has been accused of. Or he could have met someone with which he's formed a stronger bond than anyone prior.

 

My ex was like that to me. One month in I told her I loved her and really meant it for the first time in my life. People like that don't come around very often.

 

As the old saying goes, don't look a gifted horse in the mouth. Enjoy what you have and don't let the naysayers ruin it. If it doesn't work out they will be happy to say I told you so.

 

 

Thanks! Yeah, we just spent two days together, and I am more sure of it than ever. I think this is a good one.

[Leigh 87]

No need to be so negative.

 

No one really knows whether or not a couple will last. Or not.

 

They have just as much of a chance at lasting as any other couple.

 

I digress - their relationship is certainly highly emotional and a little full on in the feelings department. I know, I am her real life friend.

 

And yes, more less intense relationships usually outlast the instant connection, high chemistry fielded rules. Sure. This me true.

 

But just because your less intense relationships worked while the love at first sight types didn't, that is no reason to presume the worst here !

 

It is not all that rare either, for intense relationships with less than idea, circumstances, to last. Less common. But not UN common either.

 

I swear some people are just trying to rain on her parade just because they didn't end up with the men they were more intensely into! Yeah, lets go and diss the fairytale stuff because my own successful relationships happened to be less emotional and less intense in the emotions department!

 

I know two sane people who recently broke up. They were head over heels from day knee AND highly compatible for thee years. Absolutely zero drama in their relationship.

 

Yet they fell out of love suddenly over the span of six or so months. So even drama free couples can't always last......

[Gaeta]

You and your friend fail to see what the debate was about here.

 

She can date him all she wants.

 

She can enjoy all the butterflies as she wishes.

 

We did not tell her to terminate this.

 

We simply told her to be aware of the possible traps ahead.

 

I also wanted her to acknowledge even though it feels like she knows him, she doesn't. There is a whole side of him she will only discover with time but she seems to be totally closed off to that simple principal!

 

She is also unwilling to recognize that these relationships are at high risks of failing for the reasons we've explained over pages and pages. Not once she said she recognize that, or is aware of that.

 

She came here for neutral advice, we gave it to her. If she only wanted to hear cheers for dating a man barely out of a 15 year marriage.....well here was not the place, you know that Leigh, right?

[heavenonearth]

They were not married.

 

I am not closed off. I am careful and am trying to be only as vulnerable as my head allows.

But that doesn't mean that I won't be head over heels.

You can't stop feeling what you feel.

 

 

 

 

You and your friend fail to see what the debate was about here.

 

She can date him all she wants.

 

She can enjoy all the butterflies as she wishes.

 

We did not tell her to terminate this.

 

We simply told her to be aware of the possible traps ahead.

 

I also wanted her to acknowledge even though it feels like she knows him, she doesn't. There is a whole side of him she will only discover with time but she seems to be totally closed off to that simple principal!

 

She is also unwilling to recognize that these relationships are at high risks of failing for the reasons we've explained over pages and pages. Not once she said she recognize that, or is aware of that.

 

She came here for neutral advice, we gave it to her. If she only wanted to hear cheers for dating a man barely out of a 15 year marriage.....well here was not the place, you know that Leigh, right?

[No_Go]

Whether married on paper or not - he was her de facto husband for 15 years.

 

Of course you're free to enjoy, we were just warning you to stay grounded.

 

I'd personally never touch with a stick a guy who was in LTR and haven't given at least 1/4 of the length of the RL of a cool-off time afterwards, but hey, it is my opinion only, not a rule.

 

Re-reading your thread you're basically looking for fun not anything serious - for this purpose it doesn't really matter. Hope it works out!

 

They were not married.

 

I am not closed off. I am careful and am trying to be only as vulnerable as my head allows.

But that doesn't mean that I won't be head over heels.

You can't stop feeling what you feel.

[Redhead14]

I don't want to get married. -- Then why do you care if you are a rebound or not???

 

Just don't lie to yourself in order to hold onto a guy in the hopes that this will be more than it actually is . . .

[heavenonearth]

Whether married on paper or not - he was her de facto husband for 15 years.

 

Of course you're free to enjoy, we were just warning you to stay grounded.

 

I'd personally never touch with a stick a guy who was in LTR and haven't given at least 1/4 of the length of the RL of a cool-off time afterwards, but hey, it is my opinion only, not a rule.

 

Re-reading your thread you're basically looking for fun not anything serious - for this purpose it doesn't really matter. Hope it works out!

 

I am looking for something serious with him.

 

 

I don't want to get married. -- Then why do you care if you are a rebound or not???

 

Just don't lie to yourself in order to hold onto a guy in the hopes that this will be more than it actually is . . .

 

Huh? What does this have to do with wanting to get married or not?

[No_Go]

Oh I'm confused now - I saw the part that Redhead cited (not wanting to get married, no children in 3-5 years) and assumed you're just looking for sex/companionship - for that being rebound or not doesn't matter.

 

Well, hope it works whatever the mutual expectations are.

 

I am looking for something serious with him.

 

Huh? What does this have to do with wanting to get married or not?

[Redhead14]

I am looking for something serious with him.

 

 

 

 

Huh? What does this have to do with wanting to get married or not?

 

Someone else please explain my point to her . . .

[Gaeta]

I am looking for something serious with him.

 

 

woah! misunderstood you did not want something serious.

Edited July 7, 2017 by Gaeta

[Gaeta]

I am looking for something serious with him.

 

Would you specify *something serious* please.

 

Somewhere in this thread you said you were looking for a boyfriend not a husband, now you're saying you are looking for something serious, serious like what? eventually live together as a common-law couple? children?

[Redhead14]

Would you specify *something serious* please.

 

Somewhere in this thread you said you were looking for a boyfriend not a husband, now you're saying you are looking for something serious, serious like what? eventually live together as a common-law couple? children?

 

Children in 3-5 years. So, she needs to have a conversation with him about what he wants for himself in 3 to 5 years. If he's not on that page, she should bail.

 

Basically, she will end up just having a baby daddy if she doesn't get clear with him and herself.

[Gaeta]

Children in 3-5 years. So, she needs to have a conversation with him about what he wants for himself in 3 to 5 years. If he's not on that page, she should bail.

 

Basically, she will end up just having a baby daddy if she doesn't get clear with him and herself.

 

Didn't she say she just wants a boyfriend and not a husband? So in 3 to 5 years she wants children... with a boyfriend?

[SoulCat]

Didn't she say she just wants a boyfriend and not a husband? So in 3 to 5 years she wants children... with a boyfriend?

 

 

In Dutch society marriage isn't viewed as the be all and end all of all relationships like it seems to be in the US.

 

Plenty of folks have happy, healthy long term relationships and kids without feeling the need to enter into good ole holy matrimony.

 

It's perfectly valid to want to have a long term relationship and children with a person who isn't your lawful spouse.

There's no shame or stigma attached to it. Or indeed, judgement.

[Redhead14]

Didn't she say she just wants a boyfriend and not a husband? So in 3 to 5 years she wants children... with a boyfriend?

 

Yes, there are some contradictory statements going on in the thread. However, there are people out there who want children without marriage. It's not a wise thing to do, but they do it.

 

IMO, the OP is confused about what she wants for herself. Or if she's not, she needs to get real with this guy and tell him what she wants . . . and see if he's even close to being on the same page.

[No_Go]

True - Dutch even list 'living together' on their professional pages. It is a legal status.

 

But 3-5 years for children? For 30 something woman? - she needs to be crystal clear with him about the expectations because she'd end up sorely disappointed if this guy is just looking at her as a bandaid / rebound/

 

In Dutch society marriage isn't viewed as the be all and end all of all relationships like it seems to be in the US.

 

Plenty of folks have happy, healthy long term relationships and kids without feeling the need to enter into good ole holy matrimony.

 

It's perfectly valid to want to have a long term relationship and children with a person who isn't your lawful spouse.

There's no shame or stigma attached to it. Or indeed, judgement.

[Gaeta]

In Dutch society marriage isn't viewed as the be all and end all of all relationships like it seems to be in the US.

 

Plenty of folks have happy, healthy long term relationships and kids without feeling the need to enter into good ole holy matrimony.

 

It's perfectly valid to want to have a long term relationship and children with a person who isn't your lawful spouse.

There's no shame or stigma attached to it. Or indeed, judgement.

 

My comment *children with a bf* was not to debate the pertinence of marriage, I am French-Canadian, we don't marry I totally get that. I was confused with the vocabulary she chose. Example she said she wanted a boyfriend, not a husband, that means to most of us she is not looking for a life-partner, but someone to date, a boyfriend is someone we *date* not someone we settle with like a life-partner, a common-law partner or a husband.

 

So what does she want? She wants a life-partner to eventually have children with down the road OR she just wants a boyfriend to date?

[SoulCat]

I was confused with the vocabulary she chose. Example she said she wanted a boyfriend, not a husband, that means to most of us she is not looking for a life-partner, but someone to date, a boyfriend is someone we *date* not someone we settle with like a life-partner, a common-law partner or a husband.

 

I think this is mostly semantics and things getting lost in translation.

The Dutch word for boyfriend and life partner are the same, there isn't a distinction.

As long as your not legally wed, you are boyfriend and girlfriend.

 

 

So what does she want? She wants a life-partner to eventually have children with down the road OR she just wants a boyfriend to date?

 

I'm guessing the latter, to hopefully evolve into the former.

[heavenonearth]

My comment *children with a bf* was not to debate the pertinence of marriage, I am French-Canadian, we don't marry I totally get that. I was confused with the vocabulary she chose. Example she said she wanted a boyfriend, not a husband, that means to most of us she is not looking for a life-partner, but someone to date, a boyfriend is someone we *date* not someone we settle with like a life-partner, a common-law partner or a husband.

 

So what does she want? She wants a life-partner to eventually have children with down the road OR she just wants a boyfriend to date?

 

 

I am looking for a long term partner to possibly eventually have a family with.

I don't want to get married.

The guy I am dating certainly wants kids, but I wouldn't know if with me, after only 1,5 months of dating...

 

And yes, I am 30 and am planning to have children in the coming 3-5 years. I don't see anything wrong with that. I am not ready to be a mom at this point in my life. Besides, I think it's wise to be with someone for a few years before you decide to have kids.