How do I know if I am a rebound or a catch?

[Gaeta]

FWIW I'm a male and I can never be fully over someone until I meet someone else that excites me.

 

There is a word for that, it's called emotional dependency.

[CptInsano]

No, I am certainly not trying to 'fix' anything. What makes you think that?

That's not my intention, or the way I go about other people's lives.

 

Because of the statement that he was with the wrong woman for 15 years. This is unlikely to be the case, there must have been a functioning relationship at some point if it lasted for that amount of time. If you say that you are now the right woman instead, it sounds like you are trying to reframe something, putting yourself into a position to make things right.

[Gaeta]

We have been dating for a month now.

I find you are too emotionally involved for a man of 1 month. Here you are defending him and justifying him as if you had a solid history together.

 

I know he wanted to be alone after this relationship. Although he was on tinder, where we met, he has not been

intimate with a woman since. The last time he slept with someone was his ex - and that was "a long, long time ago"

That would be another red flag to me. He did not enjoy being single at all.

 

Anyway, our one month thing has been amazing. He proclaims to have never felt this way. That I make him move like nobody ever has. That I am worth the effort, that he is following his heart, and not looking elsewhere.

100% typical of men on rebound. Not even 1 month in and you're the best thing that ever happened to him. How can he say all that when he has only known you for 1 MONTH. He has seen nothing of you so what the heck is so amazing did you ask yourself?

 

When he talks about his ex, it's always very much emotionless, and very much like a thing from the past. It seems she is not taking the break up too well. He seems happy he is "free". He has not mentioned anything positive about her, except when he said that he loved her very much.

He is happy to be free, remember. In a couple of months when you want a bit of commitment he'll slide through your fingers like jello.

 

I really want to give this a shot. I feel the energy between us is rare.

We have 100s of stories like this on here. Men and women coming back after 3 months and wondering what happened, he was so into me. Do not base the viability of this relationship on the butterflies you felt at first.

 

I am trying my best to take it slow, and not initiate too much contact on days we are not together, which rarely works, because he's sending stuff all the time.

He even says this is unusual for him, since he never apps much.

I tend to wake up to texts from him.

He also is very detail oriented and always remembers the silliest, most romantic things.

I truly have never felt so much mutual romantic energy. It can't be too good to be true....

He is infatuated, usually that last 2 months at most. I remember meeting this man fresh out of a relationship of 20 years. I had no experience with dating back then. He was totally infatuated with me and I let myself believe maybe this time......After not even a month he made a complete turn around. One day he told me *Gaeta It's all gone* I said what is all gone? he replied: All the butterflies, I don't know where they went but they're all gone poof just like that.

[heavenonearth]

Because of the statement that he was with the wrong woman for 15 years. This is unlikely to be the case, there must have been a functioning relationship at some point if it lasted for that amount of time. If you say that you are now the right woman instead, it sounds like you are trying to reframe something, putting yourself into a position to make things right.

 

Ok, I see what you did there.

Yeah, no, that's not what I was trying to say. I was actually more emulating what a friend said, and what the guy himself has said.

 

How do I know if I am a rebound -- This is how you know -- got out of a 15 year relationship in January. The truth is you don't really know, however, the likelihood is high and so why put yourself in this position or try to "nail it down" after only a month?

 

Relax. A month is nothing in the scheme of things. Let him show you where he's "at". Unless you've already declared exclusivity, date other people in the meantime.

 

How has he been pursuing you? What has he said his dating goals are? Where does he see himself in 2 to 5 years?

 

I wrote a bit more detail in another reply, if you scroll up!

His dating goal, as he said, is to date me exclusively.

I have no clue where he sees himself in 2-5 years. I know he is now renovating his house that he bought, and today he bought a second pillow for his bed, so I can sleep over.

 

I am looking for a boyfriend, not a husband. I think he knows that, and we're good that way. I think we want the same things, which is good.

 

I tried dating other people (see above), and so did he, and whilst it worked for me, it wasn't something he was cool with, so he decided we 'commit to dating exclusively', and I went along with it. I am happy with it, because he fulfills all my needs.

 

I think I just gotta take it real slow. And not have too many expectations.

[heavenonearth]

I find you are too emotionally involved for a man of 1 month. Here you are defending him and justifying him as if you had a solid history together.

 

That would be another red flag to me. He did not enjoy being single at all.

 

 

100% typical of men on rebound. Not even 1 month in and you're the best thing that ever happened to him. How can he say all that when he has only known you for 1 MONTH. He has seen nothing of you so what the heck is so amazing did you ask yourself?

 

He is happy to be free, remember. In a couple of months when you want a bit of commitment he'll slide through your fingers like jello.

 

We have 100s of stories like this on here. Men and women coming back after 3 months and wondering what happened, he was so into me. Do not base the viability of this relationship on the butterflies you felt at first.

 

He is infatuated, usually that last 2 months at most. I remember meeting this man fresh out of a relationship of 20 years. I had no experience with dating back then. He was totally infatuated with me and I let myself believe maybe this time......After not even a month he made a complete turn around. One day he told me *Gaeta It's all gone* I said what is all gone? he replied: All the butterflies, I don't know where they went but they're all gone poof just like that.

 

And yes, I am way too emotionally involved with him at this stage. It's not normal! It's so abnormal! God forbid, I am in love. This should not happen! People shouldn't be happy and in love! No, never this fast! HELP!

 

I will update in a month on the infatuation stage.

[Gaeta]

I see what you are saying.

It just really seems that he may have been with the wrong women for all these years, and that I am the right match for him.

I don't know, this is just how it feels right now.

 

 

Please think about this and answer us.

 

How does he know you are the right woman for him after 1 month knowing you? He barely scratched the surface of who you are.

 

When you say you loved a woman you spend 15 years with it means something, you knew her through and through. When you say you have found the right woman for you after 1 MONTH knowing her what kind of value that statement has?

[heavenonearth]

Please think about this and answer us.

 

How does he know you are the right woman for him after 1 month knowing you? He barely scratched the surface of who you are.

 

When you say you loved a woman you spend 15 years with it means something, you knew her through and through. When you say you have found the right woman for you after 1 MONTH knowing her what kind of value that statement has?

 

 

It's a statement based on a feeling, but that feeling is real. I am a reality, I am not a fantasy. For him to figure that out, it will take time.

Hence we don't get married tomorrow.

Hence we continue to date and see where it goes.

[Gaeta]

It's a statement based on a feeling, but that feeling is real. I am a reality, I am not a fantasy. For him to figure that out, it will take time.

Hence we don't get married tomorrow.

Hence we continue to date and see where it goes.

 

Heavenonearth: Please take off your pink glasses for a moment. What you are saying makes no sense.

 

You are a reality, yes of course, but again he does not know who the real you is, right?

 

So his feeling is based on what? it cannot be based on reality because we already established he does not know the real you yet, what's left? his feeling is based on a fantasy.

[No_Go]

Feeling based on an emotional void he's filling up. It could have been OP, or any other available woman. In a month it doesn't really matter. It is just a replacement of the life that he had and I'm sure it feels good... right now.

 

Heavenonearth: Please take off your pink glasses for a moment. What you are saying makes no sense.

 

You are a reality, yes of course, but again he does not know who the real you is, right?

 

So his feeling is based on what? it cannot be based on reality because we already established he does not know the real you yet, what's left? his feeling is based on a fantasy.

[heavenonearth]

Feeling based on an emotional void he's filling up. It could have been OP, or any other available woman. In a month it doesn't really matter. It is just a replacement of the life that he had and I'm sure it feels good... right now.

 

 

He told me that he is NOT filling a void. He told me he is sincere.

And if it could have been any other woman, why hasn't he been with any other woman? He had the chance. He picked me.

[heavenonearth]

Heavenonearth: Please take off your pink glasses for a moment. What you are saying makes no sense.

 

You are a reality, yes of course, but again he does not know who the real you is, right?

 

So his feeling is based on what? it cannot be based on reality because we already established he does not know the real you yet, what's left? his feeling is based on a fantasy.

 

 

I think it makes sense. I have never felt more myself.

What could he possibly get to know something that he doesn't like?

That's ridiculous.

[Redhead14]

He told me that he is NOT filling a void. He told me he is sincere.

And if it could have been any other woman, why hasn't he been with any other woman? He had the chance. He picked me.

 

He is sincere in the moment perhaps. Let him demonstrate for a while. Don't put so much emphasis on the words right now. Observe actions and consistency, etc.

[heavenonearth]

He is sincere in the moment perhaps. Let him demonstrate for a while. Don't put so much emphasis on the words right now. Observe actions and consistency, etc.

 

 

Yes, this is good, solid advice. Thank you!! I can work with that.

 

Today I focus on the fact that he just bought a pillow for me.

Next week there will be something else.

[No_Go]

He told me that he is NOT filling a void. He told me he is sincere.

And if it could have been any other woman, why hasn't he been with any other woman? He had the chance. He picked me.

 

I think Redhead gave you a good answer - he's sincere in the moment, he just doesn't know you yet to know if he has feelings towards you as a person (it is hard to impossible to distinguish feeling good from being in a relationship in general vs distinguish feeling good from being in a relationship with someone specific).

 

Please take no offense but I think right now he picked you up because you're extremely reciprocal. This can evolve into something real, it is just too early to know. Date him for 6 months and things will get more clear by default.

[Gaeta]

I think it makes sense. I have never felt more myself.

What could he possibly get to know something that he doesn't like?

That's ridiculous.

 

OH my god honey, 100s of things he could discover about you!! I have been dating my bf for 1,5 year and I still discover things about him regularly!

 

You know nothing of this man! You don't know if he's reliable, if he's honest, you don't know how he solves his problems, you don't know how he handles family and friends, you don't know how he behaves under pressure, you don't know how he handles money, you know nothing of him! and he knows nothing of you!

 

All you know of each other is superficial like how you look and sound! So you being an amazing women to him is based on THAT, how you look and sound.

[heavenonearth]

I think Redhead gave you a good answer - he's sincere in the moment, he just doesn't know you yet to know if he has feelings towards you as a person (it is hard to impossible to distinguish feeling good from being in a relationship in general vs distinguish feeling good from being in a relationship with someone specific).

 

Please take no offense but I think right now he picked you up because you're extremely reciprocal. This can evolve into something real, it is just too early to know. Date him for 6 months and things will get more clear by default.

 

I like to think he also 'picked me', because I am a very likeable, charming, interesting, and beautiful person. Just saying ;P

But yes, of course I am reciprocal, I am super into him, we have so much in common and have amazing chemistry. It is real, I think it can last.

6 months is a good indicator.

Will do.

[Gaeta]

6 months is a good indicator.

Will do.

 

Good luck, just keep everything we said in mind.

[heavenonearth]

OH my god honey, 100s of things he could discover about you!! I have been dating my bf for 1,5 year and I still discover things about him regularly!

 

You know nothing of this man! You don't know if he's reliable, if he's honest, you don't know how he solves his problems, you don't know how he handles family and friends, you don't know how he behaves under pressure, you don't know how he handles money, you know nothing of him! and he knows nothing of you!

 

All you know of each other is superficial like how you look and sound! So you being an amazing women to him is based on THAT, how you look and sound.

 

Actually all the things you listed, I know of him.

He is very reliable. Whenever we meet he is on time or early.

He is a freelancer and he has a tight schedule around his work, he makes really good money being an artist, he bought a house and he is currently renovating it. He is honest, he's told me everything I wanted to know, no reservations. There have been problems in his work and personal life since we met, and I saw how he solved them, with efficiency, class, patience and perseverance. Pressure seems to drive him nuts as much as any other person, then he goes on with his day and solves the issue at hand. He's very communicative.

He's handling money well, he's making more than most artistic freelancers, he bought a house and is taking care of it, he maintains a car, a race bike, and can afford to take me out regularly.

 

Of course these are just glimpses, and nothing is constant, but to say I know NOTHING is rather flimsy. You can actually get to know a lot about a person in a month, especially if you are in constant contact with that person, and are always practicing open communication.

[Redhead14]

I think that people tend to want their dating journeys to be over so they get too far ahead of themselves by trying to convince themselves that a new dating partner could be the "one" and they don't have to date anymore. When someone thinks they are in love with a new dating partner early in a dating scenario, it's not about that person, it's about an idea, a vision they have for themselves.

 

Dating is a process, not an event. Be patient, enjoy, observe and be objective by balancing emotions with logic and forethought for a tangible and clearer picture. There are so many relationship aspects that need to be focused on and observed -- fiscal responsibility/attitudes, long-term life goals, parenting attitudes/skills, conflict resolution skills/compatibility, lifestyle preferences and so on that cannot possibly be addressed in a month or even 2 to 6 months . . .

[No_Go]

I'm sure you're a great catch, all I was saying is that he didn't have the time to find out what is beyond the surface - as Gaeta said how you look and what you say. In 6 months he and you will know better.

 

Enjoy, just proceed with caution.

 

I like to think he also 'picked me', because I am a very likeable, charming, interesting, and beautiful person. Just saying ;P

But yes, of course I am reciprocal, I am super into him, we have so much in common and have amazing chemistry. It is real, I think it can last.

6 months is a good indicator.

Will do.

[No_Go]

Oh just read he's an artistic freelancer and likes to go out and buy things regularly - proceed very very carefully and make sure he's fiscally responsible. Here is your first yellow flag.

 

And a word of advice of someone burned: do not share any financial information (accounts etc) until you date for a full year with no red flags.

[Gaeta]

of him.

 

He is a freelancer and he has a tight schedule around his work, he makes really good money being an artist, he bought a house and he is currently renovating it.

 

I dated this hard working man in the past, all indicated he was financially responsible till I learn he owed 56K in child support arrears.

 

Remember you are just seeing the surface for now.

[heavenonearth]

Oh just read he's an artistic freelancer and likes to go out and buy things regularly - proceed very very carefully and make sure he's fiscally responsible. Here is your first yellow flag.

 

And a word of advice of someone burned: do not share any financial information (accounts etc) until you date for a full year with no red flags.

 

 

No, he is not buying expensive things regularly, he's pretty good with money, that much I have already gathered. He just bought a pillow for me and some flowers for his apartment.

 

Jee, what read what they want to read.

[heavenonearth]

I dated this hard working man in the past, all indicated he was financially responsible till I learn he owed 56K in child support arrears.

 

Remember you are just seeing the surface for now.

 

 

He does not have any children.

[Gaeta]

No, he is not buying expensive things regularly, he's pretty good with money, that much I have already gathered. He just bought a pillow for me and some flowers for his apartment.

 

How do you know he's good with money? I am very curious to hear that. For me to know if someone is good with money I'd need to know their income, their debts, the number of credit cards, the interest on their mortgage and credit cards, if they have personal loans, car loans, if they have a retirement plan.

 

If I dated a self-employed man, wait I am lol, I'd want to make sure ALL is revenues are declared and his income taxes are done by the book! and no fooling around the government! as so many self-employed people try to do.