How do I know if I am a rebound or a catch?

[Gaeta]

He does not have any children.

 

Please you are missing the point!!! My story meant to show you, you do not know this man as much as you think. He could owe his butt in credit cards debts! you don't know yet.

[No_Go]

No, he is not buying expensive things regularly, he's pretty good with money, that much I have already gathered. He just bought a pillow for me and some flowers for his apartment.

 

Jee, what read what they want to read.

 

I read what you wrote:

 

'he bought a house and is taking care of it, he maintains a car, a race bike, and can afford to take me out regularly'

 

These alone are ton of expenses. I just went through buying a house and renovating it and I can tell you the numbers - WAY above what I thought. And I'm on a secure job with high income and benefits. Now, he has no stable paycheck (freelancing) and in the same time also maintains expensive toys like race bike etc - please please please be careful. Debts SHOULD be discussed before moving in, I see yellow flag here (I'm underestimating tbh)

[heavenonearth]

Please you are missing the point!!! My story meant to show you, you do not know this man as much as you think. He could owe his butt in credit cards debts! you don't know yet.

 

I don't, but it is very unlikely.

[No_Go]

She's just dabbing into the relationship and it is already quite obvious there will be financial issues... I'm cringing by reading OP's reactions especially after being taken advantage by 'self-employed entrepreneur' (read unemployed conman) in just few years ago.

 

How do you know he's good with money? I am very curious to hear that. For me to know if someone is good with money I'd need to know their income, their debts, the number of credit cards, the interest on their mortgage and credit cards, if they have personal loans, car loans, if they have a retirement plan.

 

If I dated a self-employed man, wait I am lol, I'd want to make sure ALL is revenues are declared and his income taxes are done by the book! and no fooling around the government! as so many self-employed people try to do.

[heavenonearth]

I read what you wrote:

 

'he bought a house and is taking care of it, he maintains a car, a race bike, and can afford to take me out regularly'

 

These alone are ton of expenses. I just went through buying a house and renovating it and I can tell you the numbers - WAY above what I thought. And I'm on a secure job with high income and benefits. Now, he has no stable paycheck (freelancing) and in the same time also maintains expensive toys like race bike etc - please please please be careful. Debts SHOULD be discussed before moving in, I see yellow flag here (I'm underestimating tbh)

 

 

I don't intend to move in with him at all. I have my own place, and I live in a different city than him.

 

He bought this apartment a decade ago. He has established a solid career and client base over the 15 years that he's been in his business.

His car is old, a race bike is not that expensive, and he loves cycling, it's his favorite thing in the world. Everyone has a hobby. Don't you?

 

(Don't forget we live in Western Europe, different standards to maybe some other places in the world).

[Gaeta]

I read what you wrote:

 

'he bought a house and is taking care of it, he maintains a car, a race bike, and can afford to take me out regularly'

 

These alone are ton of expenses. I just went through buying a house and renovating it and I can tell you the numbers - WAY above what I thought. And I'm on a secure job with high income and benefits. Now, he has no stable paycheck (freelancing) and in the same time also maintains expensive toys like race bike etc - please please please be careful. Debts SHOULD be discussed before moving in, I see yellow flag here (I'm underestimating tbh)

 

At 38 none of these are paid off so we're looking at:

 

* Mortgage + a renovation loan.

* Car loan

* Bike loan

* Credit cards debts

* Plus what ever financial loss from his separation.

[heavenonearth]

She's just dabbing into the relationship and it is already quite obvious there will be financial issues... I'm cringing by reading OP's reactions especially after being taken advantage by 'self-employed entrepreneur' (read unemployed conman) in just few years ago.

 

 

I have no clue where you get this information from.

[heavenonearth]

At 38 none of these are paid off so we're looking at:

 

* Mortgage + a renovation loan.

* Car loan

* Bike loan

* Credit cards debts

* Plus what ever financial loss from his separation.

 

 

Lol, are you serious now?

He had this car for 20 years, haha. It's a really cute old car, very small.

He's not some bloke trying to get his ego stroked by owning some fancy car.

Simple dude.

There are no loans, he is renovating his apartment little by little, he's just making it nice for himself, since the ex moved out half a year ago.

There is no bike loan, it's a race bike he had for ages, too.

Most Dutch people have one.

Also not sure where you get credit card debts from.

Or financial loss from the separation.

If at all, he's better off now, because he's not taking care of her anymore (she was unemployed for the past 3 years).

[No_Go]

I have no clue where you get this information from.

 

I am just copying it from Gaeta's post:

 

* Mortgage + a renovation loan.

* Car loan

* Bike loan

* Credit cards debts

* Plus what ever financial loss from his separation.

 

This is A LOT of debt.

 

He bought his place 15 years ago? Was it with his ex-partner? If so... Even worse.

 

Ugh and you live in difference cities? LDR?

 

Btw I lived in Western Europe 6 years or so (and in Eastern Europe another 22 hahah) so I'm familiar how things are there.

[heavenonearth]

I am just copying it from Gaeta's post:

 

* Mortgage + a renovation loan.

* Car loan

* Bike loan

* Credit cards debts

* Plus what ever financial loss from his separation.

 

This is A LOT of debt.

 

He bought his place 15 years ago? Was it with his ex-partner? If so... Even worse.

 

Ugh and you live in difference cities? LDR?

 

Btw I lived in Western Europe 6 years or so (and in Eastern Europe another 22 hahah) so I'm familiar how things are there.

 

No, he did buy the place alone, and it was about 13 years ago, if I am correct.

She lived there with him, but only moved in a few years after he bought it.

 

There is no debt, just because Gaeta makes up a list doesn't mean it's true.

I have no clue how she came to these conclusions.

 

 

This is not a LDR, it's a 40 min car/train ride.

[No_Go]

Edit - Just saw he's Dutch this changes things a little (it makes the thread even more entertaining for me - I lived in Amsterdam for 6 years haha).

 

People are less reliant on credit there - he'd likely not have credit card debt.

 

Also live in partners and marriage partners have exactly the same rights - so even if he was not married his end of relationship is identical to divorce.

 

Distances are not too great there so it is not a LDR even if you live in Groningen and he in Maastricht haha.

[No_Go]

Ok fine, I responded to you after reading the additional information.

 

Just be careful.

 

No, he did buy the place alone, and it was about 13 years ago, if I am correct.

She lived there with him, but only moved in a few years after he bought it.

 

There is no debt, just because Gaeta makes up a list doesn't mean it's true.

I have no clue how she came to these conclusions.

 

 

This is not a LDR, it's a 40 min car/train ride.

[Gaeta]

Lol, are you serious now?

He had this car for 20 years, haha. It's a really cute old car, very small.

He's not some bloke trying to get his ego stroked by owning some fancy car.

Simple dude.

There are no loans, he is renovating his apartment little by little, he's just making it nice for himself, since the ex moved out half a year ago.

There is no bike loan, it's a race bike he had for ages, too.

Most Dutch people have one.

Also not sure where you get credit card debts from.

Or financial loss from the separation.

If at all, he's better off now, because he's not taking care of her anymore (she was unemployed for the past 3 years).

 

You are concentrating on the little things you know here and there in our posts but you fail to look at the big picture. We want you to see the big picture, not concentrate on a car that's 20 years old.

[heavenonearth]

You are concentrating on the little things you know here and there in our posts but you fail to look at the big picture. We want you to see the big picture, not concentrate on a car that's 20 years old.

 

To be fair, you were the one focusing on imaginary credit card debt.

[Gaeta]

Heavenonearth: We just want you to be a little more realistic. We are telling you you don't know that man much after 1 month. We are giving you examples of things that are important AND you don't know yet.

 

I don't want to argue about old cars and stuff. I want to make a point that you cannot make statements like he's good with money when you know nothing of his financial. You know nothing of hit debts, or his revenues. I am a person that works in finance and I can tell you what you see at the surface, financial wise, means nothing.

[heavenonearth]

Heavenonearth: We just want you to be a little more realistic. We are telling you you don't know that man much after 1 month. We are giving you examples of things that are important AND you don't know yet.

 

I don't want to argue about old cars and stuff. I want to make a point that you cannot make statements like he's good with money when you know nothing of his financial. You know nothing of hit debts, or his revenues. I am a person that works in finance and I can tell you what you see at the surface, financial wise, means nothing.

 

I just don't find that at all important at this point.

I don't intend to marry him at all, or have his children at this point.

I worry about this stuff when the time comes.

[elaine567]

I think why we are all so concerned, is the fact that you already "love" this guy after only a month, and you seem so determined to take everything he says as the irrefutable truth.

 

YOU are vulnerable, you are 30 and you want to get married and have kids pronto. You have had some bad relationships in the past year.

YOU are therefore perfect material for any guy who wants to feed you a line.

Any guy who wants to tell you what you want to hear.

Any guy who wants to use and abuse you...

 

That is why you need to be very careful here.

YOU don't actually KNOW why this guy left his relationship,(if indeed he has) you only know what HE tells you.

Yes he may be some honest upfront guy with not a bad bone in his body, but he may not be that person at all.

Stop writing that perfect love story in your head

 

I reiterate. Be very careful.

[Gaeta]

I just don't find that at all important at this point.

I don't intend to marry him at all, or have his children at this point.

I worry about this stuff when the time comes.

 

Ok, see that is fair of you to say, you recognize it's too early to go in details about his finances and it's not important at this time. That proves my point that at this point you cannot make statements like he is good with money because you just don't know.

 

And it goes for everything else in this relationship like you are an amazing woman to him! He can't make statements like this - he needs more than 1 month dating to figure out if you are indeed amazing to him.

[No_Go]

Ok, see that is fair of you to say, you recognize it's too early to go in details about his finances and it's not important at this time. That proves my point that at this point you cannot make statements like he is good with money because you just don't know.

 

I don't think it is too early to have general knowledge about finances: if I did my research early on I'd not 'donate' 7000 to my ex in our 'fabulous' 6-months long relationship... It is also not too early to check if he's completely out of the previous relationship (such a long RL rarely ends in an instance - usually there are a fe breaks before The Break up).

[Kitchen]

There is a word for that, it's called emotional dependency.

 

In that case every woman I've ever met, and probably most women in general, including 3 that said they deal with this the same way I do in this very thread, are emotionally dependent.

 

 

But I think you're dead wrong. I was single for 4 years between my 2nd to last ex and my last ex. I got 99% over that first one but it took meeting that new girl to finally give me the push to saying I'm 100% over her.

 

And it happened again as well after. I got better and better, but never 100% until I met someone else after.

 

I think it's fine, I'm perfectly willing to be single until I meet someone special.

[Kitchen]

Well, to give some more info....

 

We have been dating for a month now.

We see each other twice a week, sometimes for two-three days in a row.

 

Anyway, our one month thing has been amazing.

He proclaims to have never felt this way.

That I make him move like nobody ever has.

That I am worth the effort, that he is following his heart, and not looking elsewhere.

 

He says he feels more free with me, something he never felt with his ex or before, or even after. He says "he didn't know such feelings could exist".

 

I feel the energy between us is rare.

I remember the first date we had, after writing with each other, for over a week nonstop. I walked into the movie theater bar, and there he sat alone, at the table in the very back corner, under dark light. He looked up and his eyes were glowing. He had already ordered two ginger beer. That's when I knew.

 

We wanted to take it slow, and I even encouraged him to date others, to find out what he is looking for, to enjoy the single life. He went on a date and afterwards came knocking on my door, telling me how ridiculous of an idea that was.

He's asked for exclusivity and I now have agreed.

I am afraid he may change his mind, although I find it so hard to imagine, since the connection grows stronger every day.

 

I am trying my best to take it slow,

He even says this is unusual for him, since he never apps much.

I tend to wake up to texts from him.

He also is very detail oriented and always remembers the silliest, most romantic things.

I truly have never felt so much mutual romantic energy. It can't be too good to be true....

 

 

You claim you want to take it slow...but nothing you've said here indicates that's the case.

 

He's moving really fast, tbh that can mean you're a rebound.....or it can mean you two really have that special connection.

 

Take an axe and drastically cut down the time you communicate and esp see each other. 2-3x week after only one month? Seems a bit much.

 

Like I said before, if it's meant to be, cutting down on the time won't kill it.

[Blanco]

I think it actually doesn't actually matter how slow you take it, as you are already besotted and if he bails you will get very hurt now.

 

 

^^^this^^^

He will slot into his life like the woman he loved for 15 years and for you it will feel wonderful, safe, cosy and warm as if it is all meant to be.

BUT unless you just happen to be a carbon copy of his old love, he will start to wake up and one day he will likely decide he was not really ready for a new relationship at all.

OR perhaps worse, he will just carry on with you knowing you will never really match up to his old love. Once you realise this, it will start to grate and it may be you that will then bail.

 

I think younger people can move swiftly on from shortish relationships and never look back, but this man is 38 and the relationship was for 15 years with a woman "he loved very much", so I guess he is not going to be "over it" in a few short months, no matter what he tells you or himself.

He has been with this woman virtually all his adult life and yes he may now feel "free", and yes it all turned sour in the end, but those are still huge shoes you are going to have to fill.

 

This all makes sense, but I think it's important to consider something: We men can overlook a LOT if it involves an attractive woman. And for guys of a certain age, the tolerance is even higher if it's an attractive younger woman, especially if he's not some stud with the gals.

 

This guy, while certainly not old, is entering that phase of life where he might be viewed as "old" to twentysomethings.

 

Appearances can be deceiving, but I say this with a few guys I've known over the years who were in really long relationships (like, 10+ years), got dumped, and lucked out by finding a younger, attractive woman. Now, maybe they are just masking the pain of their lost love, but if nothing else, these younger attractive partners seem to be a decent enough salve for these guys.

[smackie9]

Good lord you still posting more threads about the same old thing? What do you really want? More people to support your decision to keep seeing this guy?

 

Like I said, dating anyone there will always be risks even if they look great on paper, and you see no issues. If he dumps you he dumps you. You can never know what the future holds. You could get hit by a bus tomorrow....are you going to roll yourself in bubble wrap because you just never know?

[Gaeta]

Good lord you still posting more threads about the same old thing? What do you really want? More people to support your decision to keep seeing this guy?

 

Oh thanks!

 

That got me curious so I read her last thread.

 

I found this

 

He also said he wasn't looking to be with anybody anytime soon, but he said I am 'not just anybody'. To me, this is the only catch.

 

I rest my case. He said it: He is not looking for anybody anytime soon. Everything coming out of his mouth after that is just fluff.

[Maggie4]

I didn't read the whole thread after you said you're in love.

 

Congratulations! I am happy for you, because love is hard to find.

 

What are you afraid of? You're not getting married, not having kids with him, not giving him your bank account.

 

Afraid of being hurt? True love is not for the weak. If you lack the courage to love then step aside. Stop this mousy suspicion what if this or that. He makes you happy. Treasure that.

 

There is no love police that can stop your heart. Come back when he stops making you happy.