My boyfriend is going to break up with me... How do I act?

[preraph]

His rage isn't about the glass that fell. This is something that's been building up. One obvious thing is that men generally don't feel worthy when a woman is supporting them (and when they do, that's not good either), so that's one thing that is going on. But he has a plan to take the reins once he's done apprenticing for pennies. So that was worth waiting out, I believe.

 

But something else is bothering him and you need to find out what it is. I don't like him throwing a tantrum like a three-year-old. And that wasn't about the glass, but he lashed out at you and said you were lazy, so in light of the fact you were making him breakfast and offering to clean up for him and are paying the bills, I think he's really angry he feels he has no basis to be the boss of the household and wishes he had the power to tell you to clean the house and generally lord over you, but he can't because of the financial situation. I think maybe your situation will get much worse once he is paying the bills and thinks he can call the shots.

 

I don't think this is going to work for that reason. But you still want to pry and find out what else is bothering him and climb right up his butt about thinking HE can call YOU lazy and make clear that what you do, you do because you want to, not because you have to and if he wants someone to crack the whip on, he can hire a maid with his own money.

[Redhead14]

Never do anything if you are coming from a place of anxiety and desperation . . . ever!

 

It’s been 6 days since I’ve heard from him. -- You wait this out forever if that is how it works out. If/when he does contact you and seems to want to continue with the relationship, you tell him that him cutting you out of his life in times of stress is hurtful to you and damaging to a relationship and that you will not tolerate extended period of pulling away. You create a boundary and enforce it if that becomes necessary.

 

He said the breakup made him realize how much he missed me -- So, what does 6 days of no contact say about how sincere that statement was?

 

You two have already had break up. He's showing you who he is and this is likely going to be a pattern. You can be a doormat or you can be a strong, secure, independent woman who deserves respect and a man who stays connected to her even in times of difficulty.

 

Battling between my head and my heart -- When your heart and mind are not in synch, listen to your head.

 

Don't be a doormat. If he calls you again, you decide what you're gonna do. A day or two tops, but 6 days? Nah. My advice is to not be a doormat.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, you are in another abusive relationship.

 

His father abusing him does not excuse or justify him abusing you. And yes, what he did and is doing is abusive. My own lovely partner grew up in a terribly violent home too, and not once has he ever used foul language, shouted, kicked me out or laid a finger on me in anger.

 

You need to stay away from this guy. He isn't stable and he isn't a safe person for you to be around. If he is capable of losing his mind over something as innocuous as a spilled drink, he is capable of much worse. Don't wait around for that to happen. And mark my words, it will happen.

 

Block his number and consider this done. He is not boyfriend material and more importantly, he doesn't love you or even respect you.

[1fish2fish]

I want to emphasize on this.

 

Abusers are masters at apologizing and crawling back. I have seen abusers crying their way back!! and within 2-3 weeks they were back at abusing.

 

I have seen men promising therapy and actually went to their first meeting and a second but then as soon as the woman took him back he stopped pretexting he doesn't need it.

 

I would not take an abuser back NO MATTER how much apologies, no matter how much crying!

 

I completely agree.

 

Although he SHOULD come crawling back and begging your forgiveness, it doesn't mean you should take him back!!! (Thanks for clarifying this, Gaeta!)

 

Although my ex never threw anything, I was blamed many times for his bad moods and he would shut me out for days. He also was verbally abusive when he was angry, lashing out and belittling me. So really, my experience with emotional abuse was even more subtle than yours. Rebuilding my esteem hasn't been easy.

 

Oh, and my ex never apologized or came crawling back. He didn't have to...because I reached out first, both times. I was an idiot.

 

But I'm not anymore.

[Redhead14]

Am I really that naieve? I always thought I was so much wiser to know the signs of abuse. This to me is abuse. Never has he ever said anything like that. He makes me feel beautiful and sexy all the time, he never ever stops complimenting me and making me feel loved and cherished. One blow up like this and suddenly I'm in an abusive relationship? I really don't want to believe it, so maybe I'm looking at this through rose tinted glasses.

 

A little fit of anger over "spilt milk" is one thing, but when it turns into a barrage of personal disparagements/criticisms it's another thing. Compounded by 6 days of silence, this is clearly emotional abuse and manipulation.

 

On top of this, you yourself said that in the beginning your gut was telling you something. You're likely seeing why your gut was talking to you.

 

One blow up like this and suddenly I'm in an abusive relationship? -- All it takes is one blow up to instill insecurity, doubt and a feeling of walking on eggshells which in itself causes difficulties in the relationship.

 

And, if you are going to let him back in your life now, now is the time to make it very clear that you cannot tolerate this kind of thing. One blow up, unaddressed by the offended partner, turns into more blow ups.

 

I really don't want to believe it -- This is the reason women stay in or get into more toxic relationships.

 

I always thought I was so much wiser to know the signs of abuse. -- This is one really big sign . . . pay attention to it and don't tolerate it anymore.

 

wiser -- Wisdom is useless if you don't use that wisdom and allow yourself to be led by emotional queues that don't promote your best interests.

[Kamille]

What worries me the most is that you seem to think this blow up was your fault.

 

I'll quote my 4 year old niece on this one. My cousin (her mom) spilled juice on her. Niece said: "It's okay mom. It was an accident. Accidents happen".

 

And that's how he should have reacted to spilled liquid.

[SammySammy]

"Never let a man tell you twice that he doesn't want you."

 

He's doing you a favor by leaving you alone.

 

Use this time to find the inner strength and courage to be alone for a wile. Let this be a time of growth for you. Introspection. Reflection. Resolving to never allow yourself to accept abusive people or situations in your life ever again.

 

I wish you well.

[Redhead14]

What worries me the most is that you seem to think this blow up was your fault -- That is the "speak" and mindset which is the hallmark of abuse victims. It's how they justify the treatment. The fact that she said this tells me that there may be more to this story and that she has not learned from her past.

Edited June 9, 2017 by Redhead14

[kendahke]

What worries me the most is that you seem to think this blow up was your fault.

 

I'll quote my 4 year old niece on this one. My cousin (her mom) spilled juice on her. Niece said: "It's okay mom. It was an accident. Accidents happen".

 

And that's how he should have reacted to spilled liquid.

 

Exactly.

 

OP's boyfriend is acting like it was combustible caustic acid and the drapes went up in flames.

[spiderowl]

The problem with abusers is that they are sweet, loving and romantic in between the abuse. They apparently regret the abuse and are contrite and ask for forgiveness. You think 'how could I not forgive, he is genuinely remorseful'? They are very good at making you think they are wonderful, kind and fun people. When the abuse starts, you can hardly believe it. You believe the apologies. You think it won't happen again. It does. The rage builds up and next time it is worse. You think you must have done something to provoke it. You start walking on eggshells ...

 

I know you want the good side of him but the angry side is him too and that will keep resurfacing. Nothing excuses such behaviour. If you start excusing it, you are not accepting that he is responsible for his behaviour. This guy will hurt you and abuse you. Get out now while you can.

[Little-Wolf]

Hello everyone.

 

I've posted here before, here and here, if anyone wants to read, and since the last thread, my boyfriend has spoken to me a few times after our argument.

 

He said he's ashamed of himself and he can't look at me in the eye because I deserve better. He said he hates himself for how he makes me feel and that no one should make me feel like this. He also said he needs to "go away" and be on his own.

 

I've heard this all before last year when he first broke up with me, so I know what's coming.

 

He's meeting me tonight after work to "talk about it" and "sort everything out" although I know that means leaving me. I'm crying just thinking about it - there's no way I'm going to be able to be dignified about this, he's the love of my life and I've never been so happy as to when I'm with him. He was it for me. We talked about our whole lives together, and it's only been two weeks since he last told me he loved me.

 

I know he's depressed. I know he hates his sh*tty job. And I also know that he's pushing me away despite me telling him how much I love him and want to fight his demons beside him.

 

So, what do I do? I don't know how I'm not going to break down. I've had two weeks to know this was coming and I was hoping that the space would make him miss me, but it seems what happened was the opposite. He has hardly contacted me and he doesnt ask about my day or my very sick dog. When I bought her up yesterday he told me he doesn't want to hear about it because it makes him feel guilty and sad.

 

I'm losing my best friend and my soul mate and I don't know how act. I'm crying all the time and failing my last ever module at uni. I honestly don't see my life without him. Are there any ways to stop myself from crying or making a fool of myself? If he's going to leave me (Which I'm 99.9% sure of) the last thing I want is to be a blubbering mess.

 

Any advice is helpful.

[TheParadox7]

I understand that you are very sad, but the best thing to do is to respect his wishes and let him be for the time being. Do your own thing as well, and keep as busy as possible.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, this man is a serious risk to your physical and emotional well-being. Your previous threads indicate this is an abusive relationship and it's a ticking time-bomb. He has displayed some extreme red-flag behaviour and I can just about guarantee he would one day turn that scary anger on you, physically.

 

He is doing you a huge favour by ending it. This was a very toxic relationship and he is most definitely doesn't love you. If this relationship is the happiest you've ever been, then sweetie, you desperately need to get out and see what the world has to offer you. This isn't love. You need to experience calm, respectful, peaceful and mutual love - this relationship was not that.

 

Who cares if you break down? This man has been a huge jerk to you and you are a human with feelings. He has mistreated you long enough - you are allowed to be a blubbering mess, and to hell with what he thinks of that.

[1fish2fish]

I know you're hurting, and it totally sucks.

 

But now is the time to work on your self esteem and figure out what YOU want and need in a partner. This guy isn't it, and deep down, you know it, too.

 

Aim higher. You're worth more than this. Observing how a person handles stress is critical when choosing a relationship partner.

[Little-Wolf]

I know you're hurting, and it totally sucks.

 

But now is the time to work on your self esteem and figure out what YOU want and need in a partner. This guy isn't it, and deep down, you know it, too.

 

Aim higher. You're worth more than this. Observing how a person handles stress is critical when choosing a relationship partner.

 

He was all I ever wanted and needed in a partner. Someone who challenged me to become better of myself. Someone who loved me and supported all my dreams and goals. Someone who was proud of me and loved all my flaws.

 

I don't ever want to be with anyone else again and this is breaking me.

[Little-Wolf]

OP, this man is a serious risk to your physical and emotional well-being. Your previous threads indicate this is an abusive relationship and it's a ticking time-bomb. He has displayed some extreme red-flag behaviour and I can just about guarantee he would one day turn that scary anger on you, physically.

 

He is doing you a huge favour by ending it. This was a very toxic relationship and he is most definitely doesn't love you. If this relationship is the happiest you've ever been, then sweetie, you desperately need to get out and see what the world has to offer you. This isn't love. You need to experience calm, respectful, peaceful and mutual love - this relationship was not that.

 

Who cares if you break down? This man has been a huge jerk to you and you are a human with feelings. He has mistreated you long enough - you are allowed to be a blubbering mess, and to hell with what he thinks of that.

 

I still don't see one massive argument with some harsh words and actions as absuive. Personal opinion from someone who has been abused. Perhaps I am just naive, but I just don't see it.

[Altair0770]

I still don't see one massive argument with some harsh words and actions as absuive. Personal opinion from someone who has been abused. Perhaps I am just naive, but I just don't see it.

 

Being abusive isn't having just one spout of anger. I called my ex a whore after she rejected me, and I don't consider myself as abusive. Being abusive a majority of the time isn't physical. It's emotional, and psychological. It seems like this guy is abusing you those ways.

 

I honestly don't think I'd go if I was that certain he is going to break up with me.

[Zahara]

I still don't see one massive argument with some harsh words and actions as absuive. Personal opinion from someone who has been abused. Perhaps I am just naive, but I just don't see it.

 

OP, I'm going to reiterate what I posted in your old thread.

 

My father was a sweet man to my mother for almost a year. A few months after marriage, she broke an ashtray and he slapped her. The abuse then started.

 

You are looking at him with rose colored glasses.

 

Abusers do not usually show you who they are and often are charmers. It's predatory. In the beginning they seem like a dream come true and once they have you in their grasp or when a situation triggers them, their true self emerges. Your boyfriend's true self emerged. The self that he has had tucked away.

 

The way your boyfriend reacted over such a small issue is indicative that there is something deeper brewing in there which you have yet to see. Don't sit around and wait for it.

 

You are 22. You are young and likely believe this is the best relationship you are going to have because this is all you have known. The truth is that in the coming decades of your life, this will not be the end all be all. A relationship that entails someone raging against you like that over a mere spilled drink is a sign of frightening things to come.

[1fish2fish]

"He was 19, a bit of an arrogant arse-hole, a total ladies man, smoked, drunk, used to do heavy drugs, ect."

 

"The only time we bickered was over his pot addiction. I hated it, and he knew that. I tried to be supportive, as I knew he hated his job and the house he lived in, (that's another story) and although he had a short temper, we always reconciled after the argument."

 

"he told me that "I have feelings for you, but they aren't the same as the ones I had for my ex." "

 

"I went to the kitchen to start making him pancakes, when I heard swearing and shouting. I poked my head out to find he’d knocked over a drink I left on the side and it had gone all over the curtains. He was so angry! I told him I didn’t mean it and it was an accident, and to not worry about it because I’d sort it out while he went to work. I went back to cooking his pancake when he came in and threw the pan on the floor. He told me to get out and threw my bag outside. I was so shocked I didn’t know what to say."

 

"He rung me half way home (I live a 10-minute walk away) and begged me to come back. I relented and went back to find him on the floor with blood everywhere. I don’t know how he did it but he’d ripped a toe nail off. I asked him to let me look at it so I could bandage it up but he started shouting at me, saying that this was all my fault and if I hadn’t been so lazy, none of this would have happened. I started crying and asked him to let me help but he told me to get out again, so I did."

 

"It’s been 6 days since I’ve heard from him."

 

Every time he's broken up with you,he says it's because he needs to sort out his life. You've said he's depressed, had a sh*tty job, and I can't remember what else, and while all these things may be true, it's no excuse to take out his stress on you.

 

He's told you several times, in fact, that he needs space to "work on himself," and that he doesn't love you like he loved his ex, and that you deserve someone better.

 

You said this yourself: "He said, and I quote "You're the perfect girlfriend. You're kind, funny, loyal and supportive. You're beautiful and give me sex on tap. I don't deserve you, or your tears." "

 

He's absolutely right.

[ExpatInItaly]

I still don't see one massive argument with some harsh words and actions as absuive. Personal opinion from someone who has been abused. Perhaps I am just naive, but I just don't see it.

 

And that's the worrying thing here. You don't see it. I have also been abused, and I left him. Now with an objective stance, I can very easily identify abusive behaviour and warning signs for it. Your situation has red flags all over it, and you don't seem to get that abuse can take more than one form. Unfortunately, it appears you haven't had healthy relationships to compare this with so you think it's not that bad. But OP, this is that bad.

 

Think of how that "one massive argument" started. It was ridiculous, no? He blew up over virtually nothing, Then think of how he treated you thereafter. This guy has serious anger issues and treats you poorly. Tossing you out after getting mad that a drink spilled? That is not normal and not acceptable. Ignoring you for days after? Also not normal or acceptable. It is emotional abuse.

 

Whether or not you feel he is an abuser, what's very clear is that he does not love you. There is no happy ending here. You need much higher standards for yourself so you seek out better-quality men. You've got yourself in knots over a guy who most women would turn down, and for darn good reason.

Edited June 19, 2017 by ExpatInItaly

[Little-Wolf]

He has just cancelled on me, saying something came up. I rung him and asked him why and he said he was having dinner with his nan. We proceded to argue and he told me he didn't think we should be together anymore because apparantly I do things that upset him and he's scared of his own anger and rage and that he's humilated at how he acts and that it's horrible.

 

When I said that I couldn't see him this week because I was sick and busy and drowning in coursework and worried about the dog, he started getting nasty and stated that everyone has problems and that the world doesn't revolve around me. I said I thought he loved me and he said "I thought I did, I think I did." I said you wouldn't treat me like this if you did. He said maybe not then.

 

He also said for me not to text him or ring him anymore as it was just leading me on and that he thought he'd be cold and ignore me so that I wouldn't get the wrong message. I don't understand. He told me he loved me less than three weeks ago. We had our whole life planned together. I said that he was just giving up without even trying and he said I deserve to be fought for, just not by him.

 

I feel like taking my life. I'm not even joking or trying to be dramatic. I've never been with anyone who made me feel so wanted or loved and desired. He always told me to have more confidence in myself because I'm beautiful and stunning. I've been through trying to date and it was the worst experience of my life. Every single guy I dated treated me horribly and left me, or humped and dumped me. Every single one. I even gave the "nice guys" that I wasnt that attracted to a chance and they did exactly the same. I didn't even have a type, I went on dates with builders, accountants, singers... I couldn't do it anymore. I was celibate for 9 months before I met him, and I can't do that again. I need him.. The thought of another man touching me or being intimate with me makes me want to hurl. He's the best I've ever had sexually and I know I'll never find that again. (I've slept with a fair few people in my time...). I'm 23 and don't want to be single again when I planned my whole life around him, when I was going to give up my first job for him so we could spend weekends together. I'm falling apart. This is 10x worse the second time around because when he said forever I thought he meant it..

 

Maybe I am just not a nice person? It seems so easy for everyone else my age. I went out the other night and the amount of disgusting sleazy men hitting on me made me ill. I remember thinking "Thank god I'm with someone who loves me for more than my body. I would never want to be single ever again."

 

I can't be without him.

I want to die.

Edited June 19, 2017 by Little-Wolf

[ExpatInItaly]

You need to contact emergency counseling in your area immediately. Don't wait. The fact that you are even putting this idea out there is extremely troubling.

 

This is not worth taking your life over.

[Blanco]

This guy, for all of his flaws, at least has the decency and self-awareness to let you go because he knows he cannot control his own anger.

 

I didn't read much past the opening lines of your latest post because anything else is irrelevant. He is telling you to go because he knows that it's not a matter of if he will do something beyond reproach toward you; it's a matter of when.

 

Listen to him, and perhaps seek counseling if you really cannot see what a favor this man has done for you.

 

Cheers.

[Little-Wolf]

You need to contact emergency counseling in your area immediately. Don't wait. The fact that you are even putting this idea out there is extremely troubling.

 

This is not worth taking your life over.

 

No one would take me seriously anyway. I work, I go to uni and I'm a pretty successful writer. I have everything going for me and yet I have nothing without him.

[niji]

No one would take me seriously anyway. I work, I go to uni and I'm a pretty successful writer. I have everything going for me and yet I have nothing without him.

 

Successful people are some of the people most prone to depression. Any professionals would know this. You are not alone. Please seek therapy ASAP.

 

You're only 23; you realize that many people find happiness at an age much older than you, in their 30s, 40s, even older. I can assure you that you have nothing to worry about in terms of finding someone in the future.