purpledaisy Posted June 9, 2017 Share Posted June 9, 2017 I have been seeing this guy for about 9 months now. When I first met him, he was so great to me; romantic, caring, mature, responsible. Some months later, he starting feeling comfortable with me - but almost in a negative way. He told me I started gaining weight, he commented on my outfits saying i didn't know how to dress, he told me my nose was too big. I kind of brushed it all off... I don't know what happened, but past couple of months he has been really stressed out with work, family, money, and really bad with me. He constantly calls me fat, tells me he "has to settle for less" because I refuse to get in shape for him ( I am a little overweight), he says I don't cook for him enough (we dont live together), he tells me im horrible in bed because I tell him it is painful when we have rough sex and when I tell him to stop he tells me STFU and "take it" Recently, while getting intimate, he practically forced my clothes off and when I did not want to take my bra off, he told me to leave his place. I feel like the answer is obvious - I guess I just need someone to reassure me and push me to leave.. so I am hoping for some feedback thank you Link to post Share on other sites
mortensorchid Posted June 9, 2017 Share Posted June 9, 2017 Conditional love is not love. If he has not come out and said "loose weight and I'll (blank)" or even "quit smoking and I'll (blank)", that means it's conditional. If he's not happy with this situation ... Then you have to change for yourself not because HE wants you to but because you want you to. As to other behaviors? I don't like his attitude - telling you that other things are wrong outside of the weight gain. He's full of himself and ignorant to what is really going on within you. Move on. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BDJ_1 Posted June 9, 2017 Share Posted June 9, 2017 Yes, the answer is obvious. You need to leave this abusive pig. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted June 9, 2017 Share Posted June 9, 2017 He doesn't care about you, just your old body. And he's nasty about it. You need a better boyfriend. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted June 9, 2017 Share Posted June 9, 2017 Yes he is abusive. These men are always super sweet at first then they slowly kill your spirit and next thing you know you are in a full blown abusive relationship. You need to break it now and to block him. These men have a way of going back to being nice when you dump them but it's part of the cycle of abuse. As soon as you decide to stay the abuse starts again. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
The Urbanyst Posted June 9, 2017 Share Posted June 9, 2017 What is the main benefit of staying with him at this point? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted June 9, 2017 Share Posted June 9, 2017 (edited) Oh God, you're dating Mr A-Hole! I wouldn't even give him the courtesy of a the break up talk, I'd just ghost him and let him figure it out for himself, (he won't though, he'll just go find another girl with low self esteem who he can project his multitude of inadequacies on to). Aside from that, he practically tried to rape you. He deserves a stiletto in the gonads and you deserve better. : ) Edited June 9, 2017 by MsJayne 4 Link to post Share on other sites
EstelleWinwood Posted June 9, 2017 Share Posted June 9, 2017 I'm so sorry this is happening to you, purpledaisy. Yes, you're right, you can't stay in this relationship. This guy is mean, and possibly worse. The pattern of behaviour that includes romantic, caring behaviour at first, followed by increasingly abusive behaviours could indicate a personality disorder. Whether or not that's the case, this guy isn't interested in your happiness and probably even enjoys his power to make you feel bad. That's part of him and it's not going to change. You would end up in a nightmare, and are lucky you don't live with him because you can escape more easily (I hope). If you can, try to think that that he's not who you thought he was, that you mistook him for someone else - a caring, romantic, responsible man, which is what he pretended to be. You are entitled to be angry, even very angry, at the way he's behaved toward you. You don't even need to speak to him again after his behaviour to you, but if you did, you could tell him you're not interested in the kind of relationship he's offering you. Just so you know, your boyfriend should be interested in your happiness, and you in his. Anyone adult (old enough to know better, I mean) who treats you as if they don't care about your feelings is showing you their true nature. Don't be sad. You're lucky you found out in time to get away, and now you can meet someone who's happy to have you. Best of luck. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 9, 2017 Share Posted June 9, 2017 The answer is obvious. You need to leave. Good for you for recognizing this for what it is - emotional abuse, bordering on some pretty serious sexual abuse. I hope you have the courage to do what you need to do - get away from this man. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
GemmaUK Posted June 9, 2017 Share Posted June 9, 2017 Hell yeah! He's definitely abusive and has already escalated to sexual abuse. Just run, don't look back and don't question yourself over this one. Let your friends and family know and get away from this twit asap. I would recommend reading up on abuse, how it starts, what to look out for in the future - as Enigma said this starts out in a subtle way and before he started on about your weight even I suspect there were other signs which you may have brushed under the carpet or not spotted. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
guest569 Posted June 9, 2017 Share Posted June 9, 2017 Completely unacceptable of him! Throw him in the trash where he belongs and never look back. Have you resolved to end it? What is keeping you with him? What would reassure you in this situation? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted June 9, 2017 Share Posted June 9, 2017 purpledaisy, Yes, you have an abusive b/f. No, you should not continue with this. Please put as much space as you can between you and this nasty, abusive POS as you can and move on. And please, please get signed up for some counselling to help work out why you put up with this $h!£ for as long as you did. There are some wonderful guys out there who could love you, respect you and treat you like you deserve to be treated. Get your act together and get yourself ready to meet them. Good luck x 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mikeylo Posted June 9, 2017 Share Posted June 9, 2017 Yes , he is abusive. They always start sweet and nice but the true colors take a while and that's why you are seeing it now and not early on. He is starting with what they call negging. It will get worse. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted June 9, 2017 Share Posted June 9, 2017 If you were hot and good looking do you think he would not be abusive? Maybe treat u nice. He is probably not that into you What are you suggesting? Abusers are abusers no matter if you are hot or not, no matter if they are into you or not. Some of the most beautiful models in the world have been in relationships with abusers. These men are mentally sick. They don't pick who they abuse, they abuse every single woman on their path. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted June 9, 2017 Share Posted June 9, 2017 I cannot emphasise enough what Gaeta is saying ; Abusers are abusers no matter if you are hot or not, no matter if they are into you or not. Some of the most beautiful models in the world have been in relationships with abusers. These men are mentally sick. They don't pick who they abuse, they abuse every single woman on their path. Do not kid yourself that they will be any different with anyone else - they won't. Losing an abuser is no loss, it's setting yourself free. Please believe this. x And before I get accused of sexism, yes, I am aware that men get abused as well. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
OatsAndHall Posted June 9, 2017 Share Posted June 9, 2017 Yes, this guy is an a-- and I would get out of the relationship. Think about it this way; would you keep a female friend around who said that you "look fat" or said other rude things to you? That is completely excluding the physical things he has done.. It's time to cut someone loose if they don't respect you or treat you badly. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted June 9, 2017 Share Posted June 9, 2017 I have been seeing this guy for about 9 months now. When I first met him, he was so great to me; romantic, caring, mature, responsible. Some months later, he starting feeling comfortable with me - but almost in a negative way. He told me I started gaining weight, he commented on my outfits saying i didn't know how to dress, he told me my nose was too big. I kind of brushed it all off... I don't know what happened, but past couple of months he has been really stressed out with work, family, money, and really bad with me. He constantly calls me fat, tells me he "has to settle for less" because I refuse to get in shape for him ( I am a little overweight), he says I don't cook for him enough (we dont live together), he tells me im horrible in bed because I tell him it is painful when we have rough sex and when I tell him to stop he tells me STFU and "take it" Recently, while getting intimate, he practically forced my clothes off and when I did not want to take my bra off, he told me to leave his place. I feel like the answer is obvious - I guess I just need someone to reassure me and push me to leave.. so I am hoping for some feedback thank you Here's what you are asking for -- GET THE HELL OUT OF THAT RELATIONSHIP RIGHT NOW or I will come and kick you in the as* And, that's not abuse -- it's tough love. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Justyaaveraggurl Posted June 9, 2017 Share Posted June 9, 2017 I am so sorry this is happening to you. As you said you know already that this is not good for you. I think the real question is "why are you still staying in an obviously destructive relationship" You can leave this harmful relationship and find yourself right back in another harmful relationship if you don't deal with the REAL question. I recommend you look up CODA - Codependents Anonymous. It a nationwide support program that teaches us how to recognize and end harmful relationships and how to attract and recognize healthy relationships. It does that by helping us establish a healthy healing relationship with our-self first. Check them out here Home - CoDA.org 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted June 9, 2017 Share Posted June 9, 2017 This is the time for you to really get real with yourself and ask why you even feel the need to have reinforcement about this decision. You know this is a toxic relationship. Why would you even for one minute think about staying with him? What motivates that thought process? It's important for you to tap into this because you may likely find yourself in other abusive relationships if you don't. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted June 9, 2017 Share Posted June 9, 2017 As you already suspected, you are in an abusive relationship. Other posters are spot-on, you need to get out of this relationship. It might hurt to leave someone you thought loved you but you will get over this. It is not going to get better; he has started to show you who he is. He is already committing sexual assault. Guys like him like to be control. They do not take kindly to being rejected. Hopefully when you have left him, he will leave you alone, but please take some steps in advance to ensure your safety. I am sure others will know what needs to be done but some things that come to mind are: - if he has keys to your house, change your locks (don't tell him this is happening) - make sure others know that you have broken up with him and ask them to keep an eye out for you - if possible, stay with family for a few days to allow him to cool down before spending any time on your own - do not agree to meet him again - anywhere - carry a personal alarm - get cctv on your front/back doors - vary your routine a bit if you can to ensure you are not followed - if he reacts with anger or makes threats, make sure everyone around you knows, family, friends, work colleagues, so they can keep an eye out for him - tell work not to give out information to him about you or your whereabouts The above might sounds drastic and hopefully it will not be needed, but please be extra careful. It may be best to contact a woman's shelter for advice too. Controlling people do not usually give up easily. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted June 9, 2017 Share Posted June 9, 2017 If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck......... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Hurtingguy Posted June 9, 2017 Share Posted June 9, 2017 lEAVE NOW...this guys a loser he has a temper and it's just starting out with verbal abuse it will get worse I wouldn't even tell him anything I would block his ass on everything and the fact that sexual abuse has already started that's not good this guy will eventually get worse and worse get out while you still can and keep your dignity Link to post Share on other sites
LostOnes05 Posted June 9, 2017 Share Posted June 9, 2017 Indeed, this guy is no prince charming. "STFU and take it"???!! Really?? Really?? And making you leave because you don't want to do something he demands. Dude is a straight loser. Now when you do decide to leave, don't allow him to contact you with promises of change. And best believe if he finds out you're dating someone else, he'll come sulking back to stir up trouble. If you take him back at that point, that's on you. Best of luck, but you already know what to do. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted June 10, 2017 Share Posted June 10, 2017 Yes it's abuse, his behavior is SHOCKING and should never ever be tolerated for a moment. Honey, you need to leave asap, and PLEASE get some counseling so you can understand why you allowed yourself to be treated so poorly. That guy should have been kicked to the curb the moment he started belittling you. Unfortunately while abusers will go in to abuse, victims, unless they find help and seek clarity as to why they got in that situation in the first place - will often repeat cycles as well, going from one abusive relationship to the next. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author purpledaisy Posted June 10, 2017 Author Share Posted June 10, 2017 Hello everyone, first off, thank you for all the feedback. I am concerned with myself at this moment and have thought alot about the posters who said that I need to perhaps fix the issue within myself. You guys are all right - why do I choose to put up with this behaviour.. why do a lot of women choose to put up with their abusers. Does it have something to do internally with ourselves? I have not spoke with him since last tuesday when this argument happened - nor has he bothered to reach out to me after he began giving me advice on what I should do in my next relationship. I am assuming it is over. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts