healing light Posted June 12, 2017 Share Posted June 12, 2017 Alright you guys, no defending this man. He is an ass--just read her other posts about him. He's abusive. Doesn't matter if he was attracted to her or not, she's better off without him. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
RustCohle Posted June 12, 2017 Share Posted June 12, 2017 Got it out of my recent ex, that he was never physically attracted to me because of my weight. He asked me many times to lose weight during our relationship and I said yes multiple times. I began eating healthier... but I guess it wasn't enough for him because he said I wasn't losing weight for him and he was settling for less. Has anyone else have had a breakup due to this? How did you overcome the negative feelings of self worth after the breakup? Do you really have some guy tell you that you have to lose weight and you will do it because of him? Lose weight for yourself not for him. The more attractive you are the more guys you attract. That's real life. So losing weight should be a major goal for you. Do you want to end up like all these women who blame everything on the world for their misery or you want to take control of your life? Link to post Share on other sites
kiss_andmakeup Posted June 12, 2017 Share Posted June 12, 2017 I think your previous thread is really a crucial read for anyone who plans to respond here... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/626417-really-need-someone-talk-i-think-i-have-abusive-boyfriend Your weight is irrelevant in the context of this relationship. This man was emotionally abusive. Please don't hang your hat (and your self-worth) on his opinion of your physical looks because he clearly is an emotionally unhealthy individual. 10 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted June 12, 2017 Share Posted June 12, 2017 Got it out of my recent ex, that he was never physically attracted to me because of my weight. He asked me many times to lose weight during our relationship and I said yes multiple times. I began eating healthier... but I guess it wasn't enough for him because he said I wasn't losing weight for him and he was settling for less. Has anyone else have had a breakup due to this? How did you overcome the negative feelings of self worth after the breakup? Criticizing your weight was part of abusing you. He knew he was hurting you with those words. It was just another way to belittle you and make you feel inappropriate. Like any woman who's been in an abusive relationship you need to spend time ALONE and to slowly rebuild your confidence in who you are before even thinking of dating someone else. How you rebuild yourself? By educating yourself on abuse, on learning how to recognize the signs, on working on yourself, getting involved in activities where you'll experience satisfaction with yourself, by reading and reading on woman's self-esteem and if you must by going to therapy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
1fish2fish Posted June 12, 2017 Share Posted June 12, 2017 He didn't break up with you because he wasn't physically attracted to you. He broke up with you because he's an abusive, controlling, insecure jerk who wanted to tear down your self esteem to make himself feel more powerful. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author purpledaisy Posted June 12, 2017 Author Share Posted June 12, 2017 Out of curiosity, are you significantly overweight? Or are you in a healthy weight range but he wanted you to be smaller? Given his douchy behaviour, I wouldn't put the latter scenario past him. I am a little overweight, more curvy than anything. I have a large chest and am 5'6. Link to post Share on other sites
Author purpledaisy Posted June 12, 2017 Author Share Posted June 12, 2017 Thank you everyone from the bottom of my heart. I have been feeling a bit more positive today. I appreciate that some of you recognized that I need to perhaps spend time alone with myself, and really figure out what's going on with me and why do I attract these kinds of guys. I know apart of me is lacking in self-confidence, and being with this guy really did some damage. I don't think I will jump back into the dating scene quite yet until I have really become stronger and much more confident in myself. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted June 12, 2017 Share Posted June 12, 2017 - he told me I started gaining weight - he commented on my outfits saying i didn't know how to dress - he told me my nose was too big - he constantly calls me fat - tells me he "has to settle for less" - he says I don't cook for him enough (we dont live together) - he tells me im horrible in bed because I tell him it is painful when we have rough sex, when I tell him to stop he tells me STFU and "take it" - recently, while getting intimate, he practically forced my clothes off and when I did not want to take my bra off, he told me to leave his place. He didn't break up with you because of your physical appearance. He was an abusive jerk. Instead of self-blame, count your lucky stars you escaped this turd. Work on your self-esteem. You need to learn how to value and accept yourself for who you are rather than invalidate yourself because some arse gets a kick out of tearing you down. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted June 12, 2017 Share Posted June 12, 2017 While everyone is entitled to their preferences, what they aren't entitled to is to enter into a relationship with someone knowing full well that person doesn't meet their preferences, then spending their time berating that person or discounting them because they don't. How that person looked wasn't sprung on them after they agreed to enter into a relationship with them. The questions then becomes: why do this instead of finding a girlfriend who meets his criteria from the get-go? Because he probably likes being emotionally abusive more than he likes being in a relationship and he was looking for someone who would let him do this. Could be that a woman who is already what he'd prefer wouldn't allow him to berate her or discount her and would dump him the minute he started. I can understand wanting someone who demonstrates that they take care of their body by what they put into it and how they maintain it, but I don't understand getting involved with someone who it's obvious isn't your preference. That's like getting with an alcoholic and then complaining and berating them because they drink when you knew full well they were an alcoholic. OP--how you look isn't the issue. The issue is that he knew who/what you were from the start and tried to embark on a campaign to make you change who/what you are. He was never going to be satisfied with you. People like this aren't--once you lost the requisite amount of weight, it was going to shift to how you wore your hair, how much make up you wore, what clothes you could now wear--this was never going to end because he's of an abusive nature and you're well rid of him. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted June 12, 2017 Share Posted June 12, 2017 - he tells me im horrible in bed because I tell him it is painful when we have rough sex, when I tell him to stop he tells me STFU and "take it" And you stayed with him after this? OP, you don't need a boyfriend; you need a therapist. This is not cool. At all. By any stretch of the imagination. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 12, 2017 Share Posted June 12, 2017 And you stayed with him after this? OP, you don't need a boyfriend; you need a therapist. This is not cool. At all. By any stretch of the imagination. Indeed, this is what we have been trying to tell this dear girl - let's hope she hears it! I'm glad to hear that you are going to take a break from dating. I think a few visits to a Counselor would really set you on a better track. Be glad that this guy is out of your life! His opinion, means nothing at this this point... be happy and love yourself! Link to post Share on other sites
MountainGirl111 Posted June 12, 2017 Share Posted June 12, 2017 I don't think this is a weight or appearance issue really. He is abusive and critical. People who are consistently and abusively critical are really ones who are not happy people in their inner core. They are unhappy with themselves and unhappy with the world around them which include their relationships. Have you ever noticed how people who are happy/content/at peace are also usually kind and don't say or do mean things? Yes, maybe you need therapy. But he needs therapy more. Maybe he is the kind of person who thinks by changing the outward appearance of something that is how you "fix" things. But, that just doesn't always work. Although taking care of our health is highly important to how we feel overall...there is an inner "work" that is so important also. If you are an ugly person inside, for example, losing weight, getting fit and coloring your hair are not going to change that. But, I might add that just because a person is good looking and fit on the outside that doesn't mean they are vain or shallow. Sometimes we just don't get to know that "inner" nature of a person until we have been with them for awhile. Abuse can start small and get progressively worse. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted June 12, 2017 Share Posted June 12, 2017 While everyone is entitled to their preferences, what they aren't entitled to is to enter into a relationship with someone knowing full well that person doesn't meet their preferences, then spending their time berating that person or discounting them because they don't. How that person looked wasn't sprung on them after they agreed to enter into a relationship with them. The questions then becomes: why do this instead of finding a girlfriend who meets his criteria from the get-go? Because he probably likes being emotionally abusive more than he likes being in a relationship and he was looking for someone who would let him do this. Could be that a woman who is already what he'd prefer wouldn't allow him to berate her or discount her and would dump him the minute he started. I can understand wanting someone who demonstrates that they take care of their body by what they put into it and how they maintain it, but I don't understand getting involved with someone who it's obvious isn't your preference. That's like getting with an alcoholic and then complaining and berating them because they drink when you knew full well they were an alcoholic. OP--how you look isn't the issue. The issue is that he knew who/what you were from the start and tried to embark on a campaign to make you change who/what you are. He was never going to be satisfied with you. People like this aren't--once you lost the requisite amount of weight, it was going to shift to how you wore your hair, how much make up you wore, what clothes you could now wear--this was never going to end because he's of an abusive nature and you're well rid of him. Putting this case aside, there are zillions of people(men and women) that take on partners that aren't exactly their ideal, yet they think they can "fix" them or mold them into the type of person that they consider to be their ideal...It happens all the time...Its not a matter of fair or unfair....Its just reality...Its hard to check off all the boxes... Practically no one meets Mr/Mrs perfect...Sure, there are some things that people bend on, but to think people don't try to get that person on "their page" well..lets just say it isn't all that rare... The reason I say forget this scenario, because its pretty obvious the guy is just a douchebag...But there are other cases where maybe the guy likes all the other aspects about her, but has a problem with her weight...He makes kind gestures and suggestions...She doesn't do anything about it, and he abandons her in the bedroom or l;eaves...This stuff happens all the time... TFY Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted June 12, 2017 Share Posted June 12, 2017 The reason I say forget this scenario, because its pretty obvious the guy is just a douchebag...But there are other cases where maybe the guy likes all the other aspects about her, but has a problem with her weight...He makes kind gestures and suggestions...She doesn't do anything about it, and he abandons her in the bedroom or l;eaves...This stuff happens all the time... TFY this is non sequitur to the discussion at hand. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
No_Go Posted June 12, 2017 Share Posted June 12, 2017 After my last break up my ex, among other things, complained how fat I have become. Yeah... I reached the 'enormous' size 4 (I am usually size 2) on my 5'7 frame... While he was overweight by all standards but claiming just to be athletic Guys sometimes delusional about what they get and what they offer. I think all it means is that your ex didn't like you enough - so good riddance. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted June 12, 2017 Share Posted June 12, 2017 After my last break up my ex, among other things, complained how fat I have become. Yeah... I reached the 'enormous' size 4 (I am usually size 2) on my 5'7 frame... While he was overweight by all standards but claiming just to be athletic Guys sometimes delusional about what they get and what they offer. I think all it means is that your ex didn't like you enough - so good riddance. From what you have written on here, your ex was really bad with finances, was trying to cheat on you, was extremely socially awkward, was a religious fanatic, was picking on you. I had thought he must be super good looking to compensate for his personality (or lack thereof). So now he's "overweight by all standards" too? What attracted you to him, if I may ask? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
No_Go Posted June 12, 2017 Share Posted June 12, 2017 Ugh he was a bit weird in the looks department, although our chemistry was good. What attracted me? I though he's analytical, educated and caring. Nothing to do with looks (btw I very very rarely go for looks, I focus on intellectual compatibility) But your summary is a good reminder it is good that is finally in the past... From what you have written on here, your ex was really bad with finances, was trying to cheat on you, was extremely socially awkward, was a religious fanatic, was picking on you. I had thought he must be super good looking to compensate for his personality (or lack thereof). So now he's "overweight by all standards" too? What attracted you to him, if I may ask? Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted June 12, 2017 Share Posted June 12, 2017 Ugh he was a bit weird in the looks department, although our chemistry was good. What attracted me? I though he's analytical, educated and caring. Nothing to do with looks (btw I very very rarely go for looks, I focus on intellectual compatibility) But your summary is a good reminder it is good that is finally in the past... You know what, I'm usually quite "smart" regarding someone (male or female) being "caring" at the superficial level; often, certain seeming "caring" people can do bad things on a deeper level to others, due to other personal inadequacies. Link to post Share on other sites
MountainGirl111 Posted June 12, 2017 Share Posted June 12, 2017 (edited) Got it out of my recent ex, that he was never physically attracted to me because of my weight.? I have a hard time believing this. If he wasn't attracted to you physically at all why would he date you in the first place and keep dating you as long as he did? Nope, not buying it. I think this latest "development" is just something else he can say to hurt you; tear down your self esteem. It simply doesn't MATTER what he thinks about your physical appearance or your weight. Doesn't matter. What really matters is what YOU think and how YOU feel about it. He is going to be out of the picture now and you need to ensure that. He is abusive; plain and simple. Griping or making an issue of your weight is just one more avenue of abuse. Next girl he dates might be skinny, but not make enough money or have the right 'connections', not smart enough, talented enough, or have "bad skin" or too big a nose ; whatever. Guys like this will not be happy...there will always be something that displeases them and they become abusive. Beware of hypercritical people. These are the folks who always seem to need to point out something that they don't think is quite right when really, it's just fine! Those types of people at their essence are really unhappy with their self, more than anything. Edited June 12, 2017 by MountainGirl111 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Sweetfish Posted June 12, 2017 Share Posted June 12, 2017 Thank you everyone from the bottom of my heart. I have been feeling a bit more positive today. I appreciate that some of you recognized that I need to perhaps spend time alone with myself, and really figure out what's going on with me and why do I attract these kinds of guys. I know apart of me is lacking in self-confidence, and being with this guy really did some damage. I don't think I will jump back into the dating scene quite yet until I have really become stronger and much more confident in myself. Some people with very low self esteem and no confidence prey on others and you were the prey. Beware.. people like this tend to be very apologetic and repeat the cycle. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author purpledaisy Posted June 13, 2017 Author Share Posted June 13, 2017 @mountaingirl111, you know I was just thinking this. Its not like all of a sudden he realized my weight was an issue because I have been the same size - if anything, a bit bigger from when I met him 8 months prior. I feel like it is something more.. I distinctly remember him saying when we first met how he never judged a woman based on her body, every woman is beautiful... he had even told me I'd be a great wife and that he is proud of my accomplishments Weird. There is definitely something more going on with him. Could be depression? I do know he deals with emotional breakdowns quite often, has anger issues, and plays victim quite often. Part of me thinks that our last conversation, he took me as a pinching bag because for the first time a girl stood up to him and told him what she really thinks. So maybe he was angry and just decided to let me know he never had feelings for me and I'm not attractive enough. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted June 13, 2017 Share Posted June 13, 2017 Sorry this happened to you. He behaved in a rubbish way. If he went out with you in the first place, he must have been attracted to you. Quite honestly, if a guy had asked me to lose weight for him, I would have dumped him on the spot. If he was not happy with how you were, he should not have been dating you from the start. Whether you lose weight or not is up to you, but there will probably be some lovely guy who will love you as you are and not expect you to change for him. One thing to ask yourself when considering dating a guy is 'does he like me for myself?'. If the answer is no, then reconsider. Why start off having to prove anything? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted June 13, 2017 Share Posted June 13, 2017 Thank you everyone from the bottom of my heart. I have been feeling a bit more positive today. I appreciate that some of you recognized that I need to perhaps spend time alone with myself, and really figure out what's going on with me and why do I attract these kinds of guys. I know apart of me is lacking in self-confidence, and being with this guy really did some damage. I don't think I will jump back into the dating scene quite yet until I have really become stronger and much more confident in myself. It's not a question of why you attract such guys; it is more a question of why you put up with them when they start behaving badly towards you. As soon as a guy tries to coerce you, criticise or belittle you in any way, that is when you should drop him. If you drop every guy who starts to behave badly, you end up with the good guys. It might take longer, but it is worth it. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 13, 2017 Share Posted June 13, 2017 Got it out of my recent ex, that he was never physically attracted to me because of my weight. He asked me many times to lose weight during our relationship and I said yes multiple times. I began eating healthier... but I guess it wasn't enough for him because he said I wasn't losing weight for him and he was settling for less. Has anyone else have had a breakup due to this? How did you overcome the negative feelings of self worth after the breakup? Have you forgotten your last thread in which you said "Really need someone to talk to..I think I have an abusive boyfriend.." and didn't everyone there agree with you? So where is all this coming from now? Link to post Share on other sites
Author purpledaisy Posted June 14, 2017 Author Share Posted June 14, 2017 Have you forgotten your last thread in which you said "Really need someone to talk to..I think I have an abusive boyfriend.." and didn't everyone there agree with you? So where is all this coming from now? Loveshack does not let me post an update in a current thread so I wanted to keep it separate :> Link to post Share on other sites
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