Really need someone to talk to..I think I have an abusive boyfriend..

[elaine567]

Loveshack does not let me post an update in a current thread so I wanted to keep it separate :>

 

Ok but my point was that why are you blaming yourself and your weight when it is obvious he is an abusive guy and you should be running a mile away from him.

 

I have been seeing this guy for about 9 months now. When I first met him, he was so great to me; romantic, caring, mature, responsible.

 

Some months later, he starting feeling comfortable with me - but almost in a negative way. He told me I started gaining weight, he commented on my outfits saying i didn't know how to dress, he told me my nose was too big. I kind of brushed it all off...

 

I don't know what happened, but past couple of months he has been really stressed out with work, family, money, and really bad with me. He constantly calls me fat, tells me he "has to settle for less" because I refuse to get in shape for him ( I am a little overweight), he says I don't cook for him enough (we dont live together), he tells me im horrible in bed because I tell him it is painful when we have rough sex and when I tell him to stop he tells me STFU and "take it"

 

Recently, while getting intimate, he practically forced my clothes off and when I did not want to take my bra off, he told me to leave his place.

 

I feel like the answer is obvious - I guess I just need someone to reassure me and push me to leave.. so I am hoping for some feedback thank you

[kendahke]

I distinctly remember him saying when we first met how he never judged a woman based on her body, every woman is beautiful... he had even told me I'd be a great wife and that he is proud of my accomplishments

 

Understand that this was a lure and it worked on you.

 

All abusers are charming and say the right thing at the beginning. It's how they get their in and begin the process of breaking you down. If dangling the carrot of "wife" in front of some women didn't work, they wouldn't use it. He meant none of that on its face---he meant it as a means to get you to let your guard down.

 

Weird. There is definitely something more going on with him. Could be depression? I do know he deals with emotional breakdowns quite often, has anger issues, and plays victim quite often. Part of me thinks that our last conversation, he took me as a pinching bag because for the first time a girl stood up to him and told him what she really thinks. So maybe he was angry and just decided to let me know he never had feelings for me and I'm not attractive enough.

 

Quit making excuses for him.

 

No. He's abusive. Period. Fin. Full stop.

[MountainGirl111]

@mountaingirl111, you know I was just thinking this. Its not like all of a sudden he realized my weight was an issue because I have been the same size - if anything, a bit bigger from when I met him 8 months prior. I feel like it is something more.. I distinctly remember him saying when we first met how he never judged a woman based on her body, every woman is beautiful... he had even told me I'd be a great wife and that he is proud of my accomplishments

 

Weird. There is definitely something more going on with him. Could be depression? I do know he deals with emotional breakdowns quite often, has anger issues, and plays victim quite often.

 

Part of me thinks that our last conversation, he took me as a pinching bag because for the first time a girl stood up to him and told him what she really thinks. So maybe he was angry and just decided to let me know he never had feelings for me and I'm not attractive enough.

 

Like I said in one of my previous posts, maybe you need therapy, but he needs it more....but as long as he can just criticize someone else instead of addressing his own inner unhappiness, which may include depression, he won't get the therapy he needs. I've seen this dynamic play out numerous times. Unhappy people are just more critical and it's an easier default to just criticize your weight or appearance instead of his true feelings of perhaps inadequacy.

 

But as far as being overweight or appearance, the main thing is: Do YOU feel okay about yourself? If not, there are things you can do about that. If you DO feel okay about yourself, be glad and don't let what anyone else says get you down. And, don't allow yourself to be around people who bring you down.

[guest569]

Of course he was attracted. He's just throwing in a few final punches to make himself feel better about the breakup. Are you still talking to him? I think it is time to cut him off and don't let him hurt you any more. Also, i wouldn't say that you were dumped.. sounded mutual to me. You stopped letting him reel you back in and got out of a terrible situation, congrats! Although you're hurting now.. You will look back on that memory with pride and relief!

Edited June 14, 2017 by smiley1

[purpledaisy]

Ok but my point was that why are you blaming yourself and your weight when it is obvious he is an abusive guy and you should be running a mile away from him.

 

I understand that now, thank you. I just wanted someone to talk to.. I felt embarassed to tell my friends and family members what he said to me out of fear that they would get angry and step in. My brother for example would be the type to go and kick his @$$. I have been receiving great feedback so far!

[purpledaisy]

Like I said in one of my previous posts, maybe you need therapy, but he needs it more....but as long as he can just criticize someone else instead of addressing his own inner unhappiness, which may include depression, he won't get the therapy he needs. I've seen this dynamic play out numerous times. Unhappy people are just more critical and it's an easier default to just criticize your weight or appearance instead of his true feelings of perhaps inadequacy.

 

But as far as being overweight or appearance, the main thing is: Do YOU feel okay about yourself? If not, there are things you can do about that. If you DO feel okay about yourself, be glad and don't let what anyone else says get you down. And, don't allow yourself to be around people who bring you down.

 

 

I am actually pretty content with my weight and my size. I have always had a hard time accepting myself as i am because i always compared myself to my sister growing up - she is tall, thin, perfect teeth, always gets the attention of boys. But over time I came to the conclusion that no 2 people are alike, and where she excels in beauty, she lacks with a pooor attitude, angry demeaner, controlling behaviours, whereas i am the opposite: fun loving, funny, relaxed, genuine.

 

I have always been told that I am beautiful, however would look better if i was thinner - however i don't let it effect me.

 

I guess I am sick of these relationships i keep getting myself into and the "expectations" i have to uphold to keep my partner happy - it shouldnt be like this

[purpledaisy]

Of course he was attracted. He's just throwing in a few final punches to make himself feel better about the breakup. Are you still talking to him? I think it is time to cut him off and don't let him hurt you any more. Also, i wouldn't say that you were dumped.. sounded mutual to me. You stopped letting him reel you back in and got out of a terrible situation, congrats! Although you're hurting now.. You will look back on that memory with pride and relief!

 

No I am not in contact with him - have deleted him off social media, his number, and snapchat - although he still has me as friend, and will view my snaps story daily.

[MountainGirl111]

I am actually pretty content with my weight and my size. I have always had a hard time accepting myself as i am because i always compared myself to my sister growing up - she is tall, thin, perfect teeth, always gets the attention of boys. But over time I came to the conclusion that no 2 people are alike, and where she excels in beauty, she lacks with a pooor attitude, angry demeaner, controlling behaviours, whereas i am the opposite: fun loving, funny, relaxed, genuine.

 

I have always been told that I am beautiful, however would look better if i was thinner - however i don't let it effect me.

 

I guess I am sick of these relationships i keep getting myself into and the "expectations" i have to uphold to keep my partner happy - it shouldnt be like this

 

It's hard sometimes to "outgrow" the comparisons you had while growing up...I get that...while I was certainly not "fat" in high school...I wasn't as thin as my sister...but hey, I had better teeth and was a better student, and she tended to starve herself into thinness ...what's my point...? I think a person needs to sometimes grow into really liking/loving their self and sometimes we need to break away from old mindsets....which also means we need to somehow move away from how we felt comparing ourselves to, say, a sibling, and feeling like we somehow come up lacking. Gotta get away from that. The whole comparison thing is a serious trap....UNLESS you look to others for pure inspiration to be a better person. But when you have a boyfriend like the one you're describing...you need to somehow get that it is so not about your weight, really. It's not. It's about him and his own lack and his need to cut you down however he can.

 

For me, it's knowing that regardless of how someone might want to somehow compete with me and how they go about that....I don't have to enter into that mentally or emotionally. But it's up to ME to establish a healthy BOUNDARY in that regard.

[MountainGirl111]

And you're right about "expectations".

 

Expectations are just part of life...true...but there comes a time in your intimate relationships where there just needs to be love, kindness, support, acceptance, etc. And also, what about YOUR expectations? Is it too much to expect to be treated well?

Edited June 15, 2017 by MountainGirl111

[Miss Peach]

A many doesn't need to hit you to be abusive to you. I wish I knew that when I was younger...

 

Good going! You did the only thing you can do which is recognize it and have enough self respect to walk away from him.

 

If you want to read more on this, I highly recommend:

"Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft

"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patrica Evans

Natalie Lue's Blog Baggage Reclaim (more for emotionally unavailable types but there are a lot of good reminder in there on boundaries and respect.)

[Rockdad]

My brother for example would be the type to go and kick his @$$.

 

I like that! You have a good brother. I have 3 sons and I expect and known of them to come to the rescue if one of them is getting bullied.

[purpledaisy]

Hello everyone,

 

It's been a crazy couple of days, but I wanted to let you know that the relationship is done. There is no contact.

 

I am definitely taking some actions to really work on myself and pick myself up after the breakup.

 

I know this may be silly, but we had sex 2 weeks ago (the last time we saw each other and broke up). I am kind of uneducated when it comes to sex and getting pregnant, however I guess I am stressing that it can be a possibility. I missed my period last month because I was sick, and I think it may be coming soon however all this stress from life and school and now this is getting to me.

 

When we had sex, we used a condom, but he came inside me. I was kind of distraught to check if the condom broke (we had really rough sex) so now I am kind of freaking out. I am sure the condom did not break, however what are some symptoms of pregnancy 2 weeks after having sex? Also, is it easyo get pregnant?