devilish innocent Posted June 10, 2017 Share Posted June 10, 2017 Yes, he's raped and abused you, and you definitely need to leave. I think often times people don't notice how bad things have gotten because they get a little worse all the time. It's like when you put a frog in hot water. If the frog jumps into a pot of hot water, it would jump right out. But if you start the water of at a comfortable temperature and slowly increase the temperature, the frog will stay in the water until it dies because it never notices how hot the water has gotten. If he had behaved this way on the first date, you probably would have gotten a restraining order on this guy. Because his behavior grew a little at a time, you minimized how horrible it was. Just because he did this after nine months of knowing you instead of after 9 days doesn't make it any less horrible. This man is scary and dangerous, and there is no way you should let him get anywhere near you again. If you start to falter, imagine a friend or family member out of the blue telling you they are being treated like this and what you would say to them. It is just as bad as it sounds. I'm glad you saw that and are getting out. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted June 10, 2017 Share Posted June 10, 2017 Hello everyone, first off, thank you for all the feedback. I am concerned with myself at this moment and have thought alot about the posters who said that I need to perhaps fix the issue within myself. You guys are all right - why do I choose to put up with this behaviour.. why do a lot of women choose to put up with their abusers. Does it have something to do internally with ourselves? I have not spoke with him since last tuesday when this argument happened - nor has he bothered to reach out to me after he began giving me advice on what I should do in my next relationship. I am assuming it is over. Don't date someone who wants to control you or bullies you.....find someone who is compassionate, respectful and treats you the way you should be treated...keep your eyes wide open, stop overlooking the red flags. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted June 10, 2017 Share Posted June 10, 2017 Tip: when a guy gets possessive, or overly jealous, that isn't love or showing they care....it's insecurity. Link to post Share on other sites
Author purpledaisy Posted June 10, 2017 Author Share Posted June 10, 2017 I spoke to him today, and he admitted to me that after all this time, he never had feelings for me?? he then went to say that first and foremost, the biggest issue he has with me is my phyiscal appearance, then he went on to say something about how we are 2 different people, we have 2 different personalities, he wants a wife who will never say "no" in bed, and he said when he comes home he doesnt want to deal with a wife who will be unhealthy and drama, he said i was never there for him when I needed him. I am just blown away. Link to post Share on other sites
Author purpledaisy Posted June 10, 2017 Author Share Posted June 10, 2017 (edited) He also said the biggest turn off for men is when a woman says no in bed .. When he we had sex that day, he wanted to go for a second turn and because I was in pain and emotional i said no.. is that a wrong of me???? I told him he had serious anger issues to which he replied with "no" then went on to say that he questions my mental sanity.. I don't believe him when he said I never had feelings for you. why would he spend all this time with me? Why would he call me 5-6 times a day just to talk to me? Why meet my family? blown. away. Edited June 10, 2017 by purpledaisy 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 10, 2017 Share Posted June 10, 2017 He also said the biggest turn off for men is when a woman says no in bed .. When he we had sex that day, he wanted to go for a second turn and because I was in pain and emotional i said no.. is that a wrong of me???? I told him he had serious anger issues to which he replied with "no" then went on to say that he questions my mental sanity.. I don't believe him when he said I never had feelings for you. why would he spend all this time with me? Why would he call me 5-6 times a day just to talk to me? Why meet my family? blown. away. Oh my goodness, this is disturbing. As a woman, you ALWAYS have the ability to say no - anytime, anywhere, and to anything! The fact that he is telling you that you don't have the right to say no - attempting to pressure and guilt you into having sex - is wrong and very, very upsetting. As to his questioning your mental sanity when you make a comment that he does not like -- honey, that is emotional abuse at it's worst. PLEASE -- walk out the door and DO NOT CONTACT this man ever, ever again. And please, find a Counsellor or go to a woman shelter and begin to educate yourself on emotional and sexual abuse. Please, do this for yourself before it's too late and you really put yourself in danger. Link to post Share on other sites
devilish innocent Posted June 10, 2017 Share Posted June 10, 2017 That sounds like typical gaslighting. The other reason that people stay and that abusers are dangerous. They lie and try to make you think you're the one going crazy. Again, it's a really good thing this relationship is over. You need to stay away from him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Maggie4 Posted June 11, 2017 Share Posted June 11, 2017 I think he has already done everything he can, said everything so as to be as repulsive as possible. Basically he sprayed himself with women-repellent. This guys is odious. Maybe he's wondering why you haven't left? Are you waiting for some kind of justice or compensation for time lost? Link to post Share on other sites
Author purpledaisy Posted June 11, 2017 Author Share Posted June 11, 2017 The relationship is 100% over! I am just super shocked as to how someone can be like that. He essentially showed me his true colours. I definitely need to assess the type of guy's I am dating because my ex was quite similar - he cheated on me and lead me on for 5 years. Really didn't think at 30 years old I'd be having these types of guy issues 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Maggie4 Posted June 11, 2017 Share Posted June 11, 2017 I think it actually gets worse as you (and the men) get older. In college the kids were cool. At work, people have their guard up. Online, all bets are on, including riffraffs and sociopaths. When you meet through family and friends, the people tend to behave better. Don't blame yourself yet, only two bad guys, I wouldn't call that a pattern. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 11, 2017 Share Posted June 11, 2017 The relationship is 100% over! I am just super shocked as to how someone can be like that. He essentially showed me his true colours. I definitely need to assess the type of guy's I am dating because my ex was quite similar - he cheated on me and lead me on for 5 years. Really didn't think at 30 years old I'd be having these types of guy issues Once you become a "victim", you tend to give off that vibe, so to the next abuser you might as well have victim tattooed on your forehead. He is out there looking for a "victim" and will do his utmost to lull you into a false sense of security to trap you, and then he starts pushing your boundaries to see how far he can push it. That image of the lovely man he presented to you at the start, will strengthen your resolve to stay, no matter how bad it gets later on. If you weren't already a victim, and primed to accept such bad behaviour, you would tell him to go to hell as soon as he started any nonsense, but as a victim, you will put up with a lot of mad and bad behaviour from him and instead of walking away, you will find ways to excuse his behaviour. He is very stressed at work, he just lost his job, he had a bad childhood, his mother didn't love him, his father beat him up, he is a good guy actually, he is only sometimes bad, "I made him angry it was all my fault...", "I love him so much", "I want to help him, he needs me..." Eventually it becomes "the norm", black becomes white and you will question your own sanity... You probably need professional help to stop you falling into the next abuser's clutches, as that is most likely where you are headed, sorry to say. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 11, 2017 Share Posted June 11, 2017 The relationship is 100% over! I am just super shocked as to how someone can be like that. He essentially showed me his true colours. I definitely need to assess the type of guy's I am dating because my ex was quite similar - he cheated on me and lead me on for 5 years. Really didn't think at 30 years old I'd be having these types of guy issues Good for you! Strongly advise you to get some professional help to learn why you have a pattern of finding these abusive men. There are wonderful guys out there, but until you learn why you attract these kind of men you will always be at risk of another abusive relationship. Best wishes. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author purpledaisy Posted June 11, 2017 Author Share Posted June 11, 2017 I am feeling a bit negative today and for some reason I am blaming myself. I am having negative feelings of thinking, what if i had lost some weight, what if i was open to sexual acts in bed, what if i didn't cry, would he have stayed? I know these are bad thoughts, and I am trying to get them out I have read other threads on LS where guys say they aren't attracted to their SO anymore because they gained weight or they weren't open to sex, and people gave them advice on breaking up with their gfs.... is there some kind of double standared here? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 11, 2017 Share Posted June 11, 2017 I am feeling a bit negative today and for some reason I am blaming myself. I am having negative feelings of thinking, what if i had lost some weight, what if i was open to sexual acts in bed, what if i didn't cry, would he have stayed? I know these are bad thoughts, and I am trying to get them out. These are the insecure and codependent tendencies that cause you to attract abusive men who take advantage of your weakness and lack of self esteem. The question you should be asking is "Why would I ever think to change the beautiful person that I am to keep a man who has been abusive and unhealthy for me. Why would I even want to keep him in my life, when he is clearly not a good man and the relationship is unhealthy?" Honey, it's not about your weight and it's not about how open you are to different sex acts in bed. A man who truly loves you will love you - regardless. You are perfect, just as you are and you should never change to please a man. Especially one who treats you badly. You need counselling, to begin to understand what you want to attract, what you will not accept, and how to have a healthy relationship with a man. But, it begins by developing a stronger sense of self so that you won't be vulnerable to these men anymore... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Maggie4 Posted June 11, 2017 Share Posted June 11, 2017 I am feeling a bit negative today and for some reason I am blaming myself. I am having negative feelings of thinking, what if i had lost some weight, what if i was open to sexual acts in bed, what if i didn't cry, would he have stayed? I know these are bad thoughts, and I am trying to get them out I have read other threads on LS where guys say they aren't attracted to their SO anymore because they gained weight or they weren't open to sex, and people gave them advice on breaking up with their gfs.... is there some kind of double standared here? Lose weight for yourself. It's healthier for you. Stay active, exercise will help you feel good. Take care of yourself for yourself. As for men, yes I know plenty of paunchy guys who'll only date thin women. No matter. There are many other great guys. Link to post Share on other sites
Author purpledaisy Posted June 11, 2017 Author Share Posted June 11, 2017 Got it out of my recent ex, that he was never physically attracted to me because of my weight. He asked me many times to lose weight during our relationship and I said yes multiple times. I began eating healthier... but I guess it wasn't enough for him because he said I wasn't losing weight for him and he was settling for less. Has anyone else have had a breakup due to this? How did you overcome the negative feelings of self worth after the breakup? Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted June 12, 2017 Share Posted June 12, 2017 Got it out of my recent ex, that he was never physically attracted to me because of my weight. He asked me many times to lose weight during our relationship and I said yes multiple times. I began eating healthier... but I guess it wasn't enough for him because he said I wasn't losing weight for him and he was settling for less. Has anyone else have had a breakup due to this? How did you overcome the negative feelings of self worth after the breakup? Sorry this happened, but at least he was honest and its better for both of you, even though it hurts to have to endure it.. My question, though, is if you had a weight issue from the start, how did you become gf/bf? Were you essentially the same?? My only advice here is to be true to yourself...Don't do what a lot of people would do (or advise you to do) in your case and go on a crash diet because of it...If you want to make a lifestyle change for you, then great....But far too often doing this stuff for revenge or some other motivation wont work in the end, if its not who you really are.. Chin up...It sucks, but remember that there are all types of people that are satisfied with their partners looks and don't have any issues...He just wasnt one of them... TFY 1 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted June 12, 2017 Share Posted June 12, 2017 (edited) no i havent had a break up where a guy has said its my weight.....and im a big girl but i lose weight commonly in a relationship....maybe because i share my feelings and nto eat them..i dont know..what i tend to concentrate on are my fitness levels rather than how i look....when i am fitter...i feel amazing....even though i am stocky anyway...i am self conscious of my biceps triceps my shoulders and my traps......because when i get fit i tend to get muscular.....and i like to be feminine and not mistaken for a guy from the back...it belies the fragility of my emotions...lol...ahem..... even when i was fit i felt fat..and i find it hard to feel pretty...which i like to feel pretty and feminine.......and now i feel fatter older and uglier.......doesnt change for me...doesnt matter probably if i was a stick figure i would feel fat....i will always be insecure but when i am fit i manage my feelings better....give myself more leway... ..to tell the truth i believe most women are in some way insecure about their bodies and looks.....we never feel good enough do we? i blame the magazines that use airbrushing....and photo shop most guys i do date like bigger women and were attracted to me....i have dated body builders fighters martial artists .......i wouldnt want to be with a guy who wasnt....so i think fi a guy says it so cruelly thats exactly the right thing to do .....for i would never...ever choose to be with a guy so cruel as to say that in the first place..not because i cant take it...but my daughters who can also be self conscious and feel unpretty dont need a male role model like that...they have enough asses who are men in their life..they need a good one..an understanding man who knows how to be respectful to women and look a bit deeper than the scales they stand on....let alone me.....who needs and wants a guy to be with me in every way like i would be with him....which is looking a bit deeper ...to love all of him from the inside out....deb Edited June 12, 2017 by todreaminblue Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 12, 2017 Share Posted June 12, 2017 The guy was an idiot. Anyone with half a brain knows that if someone is to make and maintain a successful lifestyle change, they must do it for themselves and not to keep the partner happy. My advice from here is to be true to yourself. If you are happy with your weight, then I suggest you find support from other people who aim to be happy with who they are. I belong to a FB group of curvy women who sew clothes for themselves. Places like this are safe and reaffirming. However, if you are truly unhappy with your weight, then yes, some lifestyle changes may be in order. Also see a doctor and make sure any physical causes for your weight are ruled out. But most of all, be true to yourself. And don't grieve an ex who started knowing who you are and tried to change you into something else. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
MercuryMorrison1971 Posted June 12, 2017 Share Posted June 12, 2017 I agree the guy handled this in a douchey manner. But, as already stated, at least he was upfront and honest with you. You're both free to find people you're more suited to now. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author purpledaisy Posted June 12, 2017 Author Share Posted June 12, 2017 No in fact throughout the 8 months we were together, I had lost a few lbs - which he noticed. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted June 12, 2017 Share Posted June 12, 2017 Wow this guy is.... well...... just frickin lazy? Why date someone you are not really attracted to? And how insensitive, shallow can one be? This is very telling of what personality type he is...critical/superficial. I knew some like him and there was no way in hell I was going to date someone like that. The nit-picking would never end. When you have someone telling you how to dress, how to look, lose or gain weight, etc. The instruction I have is to :Kick to curb, promptly. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 12, 2017 Share Posted June 12, 2017 Out of curiosity, are you significantly overweight? Or are you in a healthy weight range but he wanted you to be smaller? Given his douchy behaviour, I wouldn't put the latter scenario past him. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 12, 2017 Share Posted June 12, 2017 I agree the guy handled this in a douchey manner. But, as already stated, at least he was upfront and honest with you. You're both free to find people you're more suited to now. Upfront and honest implies some degree of integrity. Integrity does not involve spending 8 months trying to change someone you weren't attracted to to start with. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
frus69 Posted June 12, 2017 Share Posted June 12, 2017 Why so quick to judge the guy? I mean he could very well be a douche, but maybe OP promised him she would lose weight? or maybe she tried really hard to pursue him at the begging and he wanted to give her a chance? Or maybe he is attracted to her personality and really want to grow attraction towards her body however he just cant? This happens a lot. Anyway, there is no point discussing what he could have or shouldn't have done. OP needs to decide if she wants to lose weight or stay the way she likes. And she may need a stronger will power or maybe find someone who likes bigger women. There are men out there who like bigger women. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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