My boyfriend is going to break up with me... How do I act?

[Little-Wolf]

Successful people are some of the people most prone to depression. Any professionals would know this. You are not alone. Please seek therapy ASAP.

 

You're only 23; you realize that many people find happiness at an age much older than you, in their 30s, 40s, even older. I can assure you that you have nothing to worry about in terms of finding someone in the future.

 

I have fertility issues and need to be settled before I'm 25 preferably. That's next year. That's never going to happen because I've invested nearly three years of my life with him and god knows how long it's going to take to get over him. I don't think I ever will.

 

I can't deal with this pain. I've been abused and thrown down the stairs before and I've been cheated on with with a teenage girl. Nothing hurt like this.

[Blanco]

I'm sorry for your predicament. However, bringing a child into this situation would be an awful idea. Adopting and raising a child on your own would be preferable to chaining yourself to a potentially abusive man in the form of a shared biological child.

[Little-Wolf]

I'm sorry for your predicament. However, bringing a child into this situation would be an awful idea. Adopting and raising a child on your own would be preferable to chaining yourself to a potentially abusive man in the form of a shared biological child.

 

We talked about children and marriage and we had names picked out and everything. I feel like my whole life and future has been taken so cruelly from me.

[Blanco]

None of that makes him any less of a candidate to potentially abuse you. I know your world feels gutted, but you cannot de-emphasize that crucial detail. It sounds like your tolerance for poor treatment is quite high, so right now, this guy doesn't seem "so bad." But he's telling you and has shown signs of what it could get like. And with those pieces of evidence, you would be horribly irresponsible to bring innocent lives into the fold.

 

Your world is not over, despite what you may believe. People every day go through gut-wrenching, life-altering changes. It sucks, but it's life. And it does pass with time, proper healing methods, and determination.

[NopeNah]

I'll be blunt; He's told you he does not want to be with you. That he's not good enough for you(excuse to break it off). He's obviously also a damn prick! Time to woman up and put this fool in the past,where he belongs. There are sooo many nice MEN(not boys) out there whom don't hate their job and if they do,they're MAN enough to change that. They also don't take their stress out on their "partner"...That's just crazy! You didn't cause it, you can't fix it! 'Next' this guy!

[ExpatInItaly]

We talked about children and marriage and we had names picked out and everything. I feel like my whole life and future has been taken so cruelly from me.

 

Many of us have done so with exes. And many of us have been similarly abused, or cheated on, or left broken-hearted. Plenty after the "I do" and the kids, as well.

 

And we're all still standing. You will get there again too.

 

You first need to speak to someone about your suicidal ideations; a professional will take you seriously.

[Little-Wolf]

Many of us have done so with exes. And many of us have been similarly abused, or cheated on, or left broken-hearted. Plenty after the "I do" and the kids, as well.

 

And we're all still standing. You will get there again too.

 

You first need to speak to someone about your suicidal ideations; a professional will take you seriously.

 

All three of my serious boyfriends were the one to dump me. I've been dumped and left so many times before and I came back fighting and stronger than ever. I know how it goes, I cry, I feel sad for a few weeks, I start to feel better, I heal, no contact, more fish in the sea blah blah...

 

Not this time. I don't think I'll ever move on from him.

I can't do any better than him. He was the love of my life.

[Blanco]

Not this time. I don't think I'll ever move on from him.

I can't do any better than him. He was the love of my life.

 

Sorry, but this is a bunch of junk. I know this is how you feel right now, but it is not reality.

 

For one, you are 23. Twenty-freaking-three. You have almost no frame of reference to declare anyone the love of your life. I know that sounds condescending, but it's not. Just the opposite, in fact. At 23, you're practically still cutting your teeth on the world.

 

Secondly, if you've been with guys who threw you down stairs, then of course almost anyone is going to seem like an upgrade. But from what you've told us about this man, he's not a significant upgrade. And you are far too young to be chasing marginal upgrades. Far too young to be bothering with sunk costs. Far too young to feel like losing out on a guy who flips out because HE knocks over a glass is losing out at all.

 

It is incredibly dark right now. But you will move through this. Hopefully, that starts with linking up with a professional who can help you examine why you have etched such low standards for yourself when it comes to romantic partners.

[ExpatInItaly]

All three of my serious boyfriends were the one to dump me. I've been dumped and left so many times before and I came back fighting and stronger than ever. I know how it goes, I cry, I feel sad for a few weeks, I start to feel better, I heal, no contact, more fish in the sea blah blah...

 

Not this time. I don't think I'll ever move on from him.

I can't do any better than him. He was the love of my life.

 

Malarkey.

 

This guy was no gem. At all. The problem is that you self-esteem and standards are so low that you are afraid to look for anything better. So you choose men from a place of fear and you're not willing to hit 'EJECT' the moment they treat you badly, because you are afraid you won't find anyone else.

 

When you have done enough work on yourself, you will attract gentlemen. I know, I've been there. I know look back at my abusive ex and think, "Ew, barf." The same I would look at your ex. He isn't someone I would allow to take me to the IKEA food court for a 50-cent cone let alone on an actual date.

 

You say he's the love of your life, but girl, you're only 23. You have a lot of living left to do. You haven't met the love of your life yet. He was never going to be that for you, either. Go back and re-read your own words about him. This wasn't going to end in wedding bells and children.

[Little-Wolf]

Malarkey.

 

This guy was no gem. At all. The problem is that you self-esteem and standards are so low that you are afraid to look for anything better. So you choose men from a place of fear and you're not willing to hit 'EJECT' the moment they treat you badly, because you are afraid you won't find anyone else.

 

When you have done enough work on yourself, you will attract gentlemen. I know, I've been there. I know look back at my abusive ex and think, "Ew, barf." The same I would look at your ex. He isn't someone I would allow to take me to the IKEA food court for a 50-cent cone let alone on an actual date.

 

You say he's the love of your life, but girl, you're only 23. You have a lot of living left to do. You haven't met the love of your life yet. He was never going to be that for you, either. Go back and re-read your own words about him. This wasn't going to end in wedding bells and children.

 

I'm going to screenshot this and put is as my desktop wallpaper for whenever I'm feeling so low. Thankyou.

[SpecialJ]

Agree with the other posters here, and I'm so sorry you feel this way. A very, very light version of this happened to me (no rages or physical abuse, but plenty of unreasonable, hypocritical, and passive-aggressive digs that really did in my self-esteem, culminating with blindsiding me by leaving). I've been very good about keeping no contact because rationally I know he did me a favor, no matter how much I loved him and miss him. He was so sweet to me the majority of our relationship, then his true self emerged once he got some career turmoil sorted out (so he didn't need me as his only ego prop anymore), and boom! He totally changed and dumped me within a couple months.

 

I say all this because I'm wondering if it will give you perspective to objectively relate to it happening to someone else. I know I didn't do anything to cause this "change", even though I have to keep reminding myself of that fact. Which is related because you wrote, "he told me he didn't think we should be together anymore because apparantly I do things that upset him." He is still blaming you and taking no responsibility or accountability for his own behavior... though he's at least trying to shield you from it before it gets even worse. But it's not your fault! My ex did the same, always twisting it to be about blaming me when it was his own problems that were causing his unhappiness. I just wasn't providing him with the honeymoon high to fill the void anymore (no one can do that forever), so he resented me for that feeling fading, shifted blame to me, and said he could never love me. He even told me the only woman he ever loved was an ex years ago who supposedly abused him and he thought was almost definitely cheating on him, but they had great and frequent sex. He called her exhausting yet lit up talking about her. Which tells me he needed the drama of an abusive relationship to feel alive OR his account of their relationship was totally inaccurate and he turned the abuse around to make himself the victim. And after a year of a normal, calm, loving relationship with me, well, I just couldn't compete (he eventually told me he totally lost interest in me physically). But I shouldn't want to, and neither should you.

 

So here is my point, and something that is morbid but really makes me feel better. Even though you have self esteem issues and don't value yourself as much as your should right now, maybe this will give you something else important to consider. I also am concerned about age/having kids/finding someone. He and I talked about it extensively, and I was looking forward to us starting a family before he changed. But really, how would that look now? Sure, he started off wonderful to me. But then when I needed him to be a stable adult, after a year of being together, he was no longer emotionally available. I began to notice that he had some turmoil in his relationships with his own family, and often shut them out and was unreasonable. He treats them like that, he treats me like that, why would he treat our kids any differently?

 

It doesn't matter how much you love him right now or if he loves you. What matters is, he'd be a terrible father and you'd eventually fear for your children. Your ex blamed his ex for starting hard drugs "to cope" (not taking responsibility for his bad decisions, not acknowledging how wide a void he's trying to fill). He's had angry and violent outbursts at you. What happens if your kid gets sick, which stresses him out? He blames you and hurts you and maybe the kid because he can't control his anger? Or what if he emotionally scars your children by blaming them for problems, whether or not he gets physical? Or by belittling you in front of them, teaching them either to be bullies or to associate love with abuse? Really let yourself imagine this scary scenario. Is this a man you can see happily raising a family with?

 

He's a child in an angry man's body. He can't be your partner as he is, and it will take a lot lot lot of self motivated change on his part. Years of work, and it's still unlikely.

 

Please don't hurt yourself, and don't let any man hurt you further either. Get help, focus on how getting help will far increase the chances that you have kids with the right guy someday. The right guy will never make you worry about your safety and that of your family. Your ex, inevitably, will. Don't do that to your future kids if you still have a chance to avoid it.

Edited June 20, 2017 by SpecialJ

[stillafool]

No one would take me seriously anyway. I work, I go to uni and I'm a pretty successful writer. I have everything going for me and yet I have nothing without him.

 

When you are threatening suicide they will take you seriously. Get off this forum and get some real help for your condition. You need help because it seems like this guy is done and it's over. You need help to accept this.

[stillafool]

We talked about children and marriage and we had names picked out and everything. I feel like my whole life and future has been taken so cruelly from me.

 

You are not the first woman or man that this has happened to. Lots of people who are in relationships talk of marriage and the kids they will have but then they break up and have these things with other people. It's just life and most of the time it is filled with disappointments and changes. You need professional help in order to accept this.

[Little-Wolf]

I have just seen him after he asked to meet me. He brought back some of my things. We talked for a bit and he told me how sorry he was, and that I deserved so much more. He said he needs his head fixed and to see someone about his anger issues, because he hates who he is and if his mother had heard the way he spoke to me, she'd be ashamed. He told me that I was one of a kind and that "he loves me but can't difinitively say he loves me." Which I didn't understand. He also said he doesn't know if he'll wake up one day and regret this. I told him I hoped he would and that he'd realize what he's walked away from. As I was leaving, I went to kiss his cheek and he went to kiss my lips and it was awkward for a split second before I went to kiss him again and he pulled away, saying it wasn't good for his head or for me. I said to kiss me so I'd remember something good and he told me no, so I felt pretty rejected. We talked for a little while longer but he had a meeting to get to.

 

I kept my head up and I didn't cry once, so I am so damn proud of myself for remaining so composed and not breaking down. Of course, foot through the house, door I was a sobbing mess but I know I will feel better with time. I am so proud that the last conversation we had for now wasn't me blubbering or being a mess. I stood up for myself and told him what I was worth. I feel like sh*t now but I know in a week or so I'll look back and feel so damn happy that I left with dignity.

[Sprince92]

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

I am going through a situation like this except my ex wants me to change everything about myself. hes controlling and yells at me for leaving the house to go shopping with my mom. he tells me to dress a certain way and made me stop speakign to my friends

he compaes me to his exes and talks down to me. calls me names.

 

your situation may be different but from one abusive relationshipto another. it has that in common. it sounds abusive.

 

me and him broke up 2 weeks ago.....and i was always the one to cchase him after a breakup. this time i didnt and ina w eek and came back but still nothing changed.

 

bascially im saying it probably will become a cycle after this...love yourself and respect yourself enough to stop it from being a cycle. i need to take my own advice cause i miss my ex. but theres no use.

 

good luck! dont cave in!

[SpecialJ]

I'm glad he gave you some closure and maybe took some responsibility. I think, I love you but can't definitively say it means, he knows how great you are but isn't feeling how he thinks he "should" and doesn't know why. This is because of him and his issues. Maybe if he is ever able to truly move past them and be healthy, he'll understand that how he felt about you was normal and his expectations of love (assuming he thinks that's what he had with his ex) are probably unhealthy and unrealistic.

 

He's very, very young, so maybe he'll get it together eventually. But DO NOT WAIT OR HOPE FOR THIS. Keep that head held high, please still seek some real help for your pattern of receiving abuse, and work on your own happiness!!! You've got this.

[hestheone66]

You can love people and set them free.

 

It doesn't mean you are supposed to be together.

 

You will find someone who loves you in a healthy way. Don't make rushed choices due to your reproductive timeframes.

 

Yes, see a proper counsellor...I have been where you are, an immediate strong passionate connection..until he was comfortable then his true colors showed.i was constantly blamed and I internalised it for years...

 

I finally left with my head high.. he's never met anyone else who'll tolerate his BS, whilst Ive I met the best man for me a few years ago. I look back and think of how I accepted such shabby treatment from someone who claimed to love me..

Please know that going completely NC is the best way to change the patterns of the past where you didn't value yourself enough.

 

You are WORTH much much more. Remember, women are valuable and we can have a large group of men to choose from. Make a list in your mind about what qualities you really value in a partner and never accept less.. I realized the thing I really needed after the toxic relationship was someone who was kind...I've got that in spades.

 

Good luck

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm glad you walked away feeling like you maintained your dignity.

 

It's now time to listen to him and believe him when he says he can't be with you.

 

Get yourself some professional help and start taking care of you now. You need a very strong set of tools so that you don't attach yourself to another man like this in the future.

[SpecialJ]

I realized the thing I really needed after the toxic relationship was someone who was kind...I've got that in spades.

 

Good luck

 

second, third, and fourth this!

[Little-Wolf]

I just feel so low now. All I think about is how happy I was, not how horrible this argument was. I feel like he's walked away from a good thing so much. I said "I think you don't see the bad of this relationship enough and you don't see the good enough" and he said I hit the nail on the head.

 

Knowing I saw him yesterday, I'm missing him so much. I'm staying busy and going for a picnic with a girlfriend, but I really don't want to go. Day one of NC is going well though, I haven't messaged him and he doesn't use any social media so I have nothing to stalk, (blessing in disguise I guess!)

 

I've been through this before. I'm sure I can do it again.

[desertsession]

I just feel so low now. All I think about is how happy I was, not how horrible this argument was. I feel like he's walked away from a good thing so much. I said "I think you don't see the bad of this relationship enough and you don't see the good enough" and he said I hit the nail on the head.

 

Knowing I saw him yesterday, I'm missing him so much. I'm staying busy and going for a picnic with a girlfriend, but I really don't want to go. Day one of NC is going well though, I haven't messaged him and he doesn't use any social media so I have nothing to stalk, (blessing in disguise I guess!)

 

I've been through this before. I'm sure I can do it again.

 

I'm meeting my ex tomorrow for 'the last time' as we'll have no reason to meet or speak afterwards.

 

I'm counting on you to stay two days ahead of me on that NC!

[ExpatInItaly]

The old cliche is true: it does get easier. Slowly, but surely.

 

One day, when you meet a true gentleman who knows how to treat women, you will wonder why you stayed so long in this mess. I know I sure did!

[Little-Wolf]

I'm meeting my ex tomorrow for 'the last time' as we'll have no reason to meet or speak afterwards.

 

I'm counting on you to stay two days ahead of me on that NC!

 

I'm sorry to hear that. Be sure to let me know how it went.

 

Day two of NC. I wish I could say it's easy but it's not.

 

All I think about is what he said... "You deserve someone who'll treat you better than me." And it makes me feel horrible, because he used to get so jealous of any male attention I got, so how can he picture me with someone else? I don't want someone else to tell me what I deserve when all I want is him.

 

Sometimes I long for a future with him in it, then I remind myself of how horrible he was and it makes my heart hurt because I feel conflicted. He's really not a bad guy, just very messed up. I still love him so much.

[jacekszefunio]

find a guy who deserves on you... don't waste time on strange relationship. it destroy you

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm sorry to hear that. Be sure to let me know how it went.

 

Day two of NC. I wish I could say it's easy but it's not.

 

All I think about is what he said... "You deserve someone who'll treat you better than me." And it makes me feel horrible, because he used to get so jealous of any male attention I got, so how can he picture me with someone else? I don't want someone else to tell me what I deserve when all I want is him.

 

Sometimes I long for a future with him in it, then I remind myself of how horrible he was and it makes my heart hurt because I feel conflicted. He's really not a bad guy, just very messed up. I still love him so much.

 

Because he's already gone. He broke up with you, so his level of attachment (however unhealthy) just isn't there anymore.

 

My abusive ex was a very jealous man too. I was rather surprised that he didn't seem to care that much when I broke up with him (given his previous possessive nature) until I realized that his indifference signaled that he wasn't truly interested in me anymore anyway.

 

This was ultimately a blessing and a relief, though. It meant that he no longer cared to play manipulative games with me, making it much easier for me to cut myself free.