I like them both, I want them both.

[elaine567]

I think #1 and me may encounter problems in that department - although I am sure he is very aware of how different we are here, and yet he still wants me. .

 

Of course he still wants you, you are 30 years old...

[heavenonearth]

Of course he still wants you, you are 30 years old...

 

I don't think he likes me only for my age. But thanks.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I don't think he likes me only for my age. But thanks.[/QUO

 

I would have said the same thing at your age. But for men in late 30s and above, age is HUGE. There is this shift that occurs in their perception and they suddenly view women that are at least 10 years younger as a prize. It almost becomes a status symbol. Similar like career and money are for a lot of women. I'm not saying that age is the only thing he likes about you but it's a big part of the attraction.

[mortensorchid]

I've been in a similar position as you for brief stints, but whatever you do, avoid a long term juggle. Evaluate both situations once you get to know them better, and choose the better option. If you do a long term juggle, it tells others that you are a user, and that you're cowardly for trying to hide it.

[heavenonearth]

On Friday, #2 came over for our second date.

We hiked to the beach and sat and watched the sunset in the dunes. We cuddled and kissed and drank wine. We stayed until it was almost midnight, then hiked back. Later we went for a drink in the city. He slept over and we slept together, which was wonderful. The next day he was going to leave around noon, because he had to go to a birthday. First we had brunch in a nice cafe, walked around the city, then sat on my roof, then he made me a wonderful lunch (for which he brought the ingredients the day before). My best friend came over to drop something off, which was nice, cause he ate with us and got to meet #2. Later, #2 and me played a game on my roof. In the evening, we walked to a really nice Italian restaurant, and we were so cuddly, that the owner chatted us up and thought we were a couple honeymooning. And so it happened that #2 did not go to that birthday, and stayed another night. Sunday morning he made me breakfast and then he left in the early afternoon. But, of course, not before we shared a moment in which we discussed what's going to happen next.

 

He said that he never felt this way for anyone. He did not think he could feel this way, that something like this could exist. It was so intense. We both cried, and decided to not talk for 2 days, just to let everything sink in, and that he'd call me on Tuesday (tomorrow). He also said he wanted to come over on Wednesday. I was hesitant, but only because I am trying to protect myself from getting hurt, all the while falling way to deep for him. He said, that if I push him away, he will stand on my doorstep anyway, because he won't let me get away.

 

It was ridiculous. We made plans to go hiking in Scotland and camping in France. We made plans to build a boat. He bought tickets for us to see a show in August... The best part about it all was, that I was COMPLETELY myself with him. We were able to talk about everything and anything. He said he is not afraid of being vulnerable with me, and he's never felt so free and happy, so able to express himself. He said that I am the first woman he slept with other than his ex, in 15 years! Since the breakup, he hasn’t even been with anyone else…

 

So that's that.

I am in too deep now.

I don't think I can get out of this without much heartbreak.

 

The fact he is just single since January is just too weird. I feel, eventually he'll realize that he needs to be single now and can't just jump into something new. On the other hand, I just wish that this doesn't matter to him, and that what we are experiencing is worth exploring more, to him.

 

After he left, I burst into tears. The impressions were so fresh and sharp.

 

#1 had been texting me all weekend. I felt like I needed to end it with #1, just because the intensity of that weekend with #2 had not been there yet with #1 throughout the first 4 dates.

But I realize, I still want to see #1. Why?

Well, probably, because if #2 and me don’t work out, I’d still like to pursue #1. I feel more an a55hole than ever.

 

I feel this will take more time to figure out. Or is this a good time to dump #1? I know I’d feel terrible. I like him so much, but it’s just not the same romantic chemistry as with #2. Can something like this develop later?

Is something like this necessary to be happy? IS SOMETHING LIKE THIS NECESSARY TO BE HAPPY?

 

I want that intensity. But does intensity last? Ever?

[heavenonearth]

I don't think he likes me only for my age. But thanks.[/QUO

 

I would have said the same thing at your age. But for men in late 30s and above, age is HUGE. There is this shift that occurs in their perception and they suddenly view women that are at least 10 years younger as a prize. It almost becomes a status symbol. Similar like career and money are for a lot of women. I'm not saying that age is the only thing he likes about you but it's a big part of the attraction.

 

It's possible, but #1, for example, hasn't been with anyone as young as me, he never dates younger girls. I don't think he specifically looked for a younger person, I just happened to be much younger.

 

I am really only 8 years younger than #2. Not so much. 38/30 is not so much.

His ex was 4 years younger than him.

[Blanco]

1st Guy sounds like it has a chance of working out.

 

2nd guy hasn't been single long. Seriously - the last time he was single he was 23 years old. I would be concerned about that. And the not having the time for a simple date sounds like it could end up an issue later. I totally get the magic and sparks flying and all of that. It's hard to walk away from, but date both for a little while, and be honest about it if asked. But I suspect this guy will weed himself out.

 

I think this is true to an extent, but I don't necessarily buy into this idea that a guy who has been in a really long relationship is now only interested in sowing his wild oats for a while.

 

Personally, I think a guy who has been paired up for most of his life is going to feel wildly uncomfortable being single, and will want to re-couple as quickly as he can so as to feel in his element again.

[heavenonearth]

I think this is true to an extent, but I don't necessarily buy into this idea that a guy who has been in a really long relationship is now only interested in sowing his wild oats for a while.

 

Personally, I think a guy who has been paired up for most of his life is going to feel wildly uncomfortable being single, and will want to re-couple as quickly as he can so as to feel in his element again.

 

I know that he said he was very very happy once he got out of that relationship. Apparently they were even in couples therapy for years, it was supposedly bad already for the past 5 years. Anyway, all I know is, that he enjoyed being single the past months. Like a relief.

At least that is what he told me.

[wheream_i]

Chicks always posts memes like, "Life's too short: Eat the last slice of cake, drink all the wine, kiss all the boys, blah blah blah".

 

I had a conversation with a much older woman several years ago and she told me her only regret in life was she didn't have sex with all the men she wanted to.

 

If you haven't done so yet, just sleep with both of them and figure it out from there. Sex makes all the difference.

[heavenonearth]

Chicks always posts memes like, "Life's too short: Eat the last slice of cake, drink all the wine, kiss all the boys, blah blah blah".

 

I had a conversation with a much older woman several years ago and she told me her only regret in life was she didn't have sex with all the men she wanted to.

 

If you haven't done so yet, just sleep with both of them and figure it out from there. Sex makes all the difference.

 

 

I don't really care about that. I have had my fair share of the cake. I am looking for something substantial now. If there is one regret I have in life, it's that I haven't found the right person to spend my life with, yet.

[DKT3]

It's obvious that you are more physically attracted to #2, but it's also obvious to me that#1 is a better fit. For the reasons you yourself have mentioned.

 

Biggest mistake women make is ignoring the obvious to chase passion.

[DKT3]

And no, passion isn't constant in any health relationship. I've seen relationships​ that are all passion, great sex, greater fights but all passion.

[knabe]

It's obvious that you are more physically attracted to #2, but it's also obvious to me that#1 is a better fit. For the reasons you yourself have mentioned.

 

Biggest mistake women make is ignoring the obvious to chase passion.

 

I agree with both your posts.

 

But I'm really bothered that the OP has already resorted to deception to maintain control of the situation while she "chooses." I'm not sure SHE'S ready for a mature relationship.

[central]

Don't discount him because he hasn't been single long. It would help if he's dated others since then, but I don't think it's essential for everyone. Yes, but rebounds! Meh - there are good rebounds and bad rebounds. Not everyone makes a mistake with this.

 

 

I met my second wife two months after I left my ex. I did date - even had sex - a couple of other women in that time. But there was something truly special about this woman - and there still is, 17 years later. So, only time will tell how he'll work out, but if you really like him and he seems sincere, then I think he deserves a chance. Yes, there's a risk - but there's also the risk of passing up on someone great.

[DKT3]

Don't discount him because he hasn't been single long. It would help if he's dated others since then, but I don't think it's essential for everyone. Yes, but rebounds! Meh - there are good rebounds and bad rebounds. Not everyone makes a mistake with this.

 

 

I met my second wife two months after I left my ex. I did date - even had sex - a couple of other women in that time. But there was something truly special about this woman - and there still is, 17 years later. So, only time will tell how he'll work out, but if you really like him and he seems sincere, then I think he deserves a chance. Yes, there's a risk - but there's also the risk of passing up on someone great.

 

I think what's scary is people coming out of long term bad relationships will settle for someone quickly because they are different than the ex in the problematic area. Otherwise they can be totally incompatible. But the focus is that one area.

 

A relationship with#2 will most likely breakdown on his part....I man he is making comments that start with "I never...." Not good.

[heavenonearth]

I agree with both your posts.

 

But I'm really bothered that the OP has already resorted to deception to maintain control of the situation while she "chooses." I'm not sure SHE'S ready for a mature relationship.

 

 

What deception?

[heavenonearth]

Don't discount him because he hasn't been single long. It would help if he's dated others since then, but I don't think it's essential for everyone. Yes, but rebounds! Meh - there are good rebounds and bad rebounds. Not everyone makes a mistake with this.

 

 

I met my second wife two months after I left my ex. I did date - even had sex - a couple of other women in that time. But there was something truly special about this woman - and there still is, 17 years later. So, only time will tell how he'll work out, but if you really like him and he seems sincere, then I think he deserves a chance. Yes, there's a risk - but there's also the risk of passing up on someone great.

 

This is exactly what scares me, though. he has not been with anyone else.

Maybe I should encourage him to date around more the coming months, and have him decide then if he still wants to be with me?

[heavenonearth]

It's obvious that you are more physically attracted to #2, but it's also obvious to me that#1 is a better fit. For the reasons you yourself have mentioned.

 

Biggest mistake women make is ignoring the obvious to chase passion.

 

It is not just physical. I just feel completely at ease with him.

I generally feel awkward and anxious around people, but with #2 I just feel completely myself and at ease, like nothing could ever go wrong.

Yeah, almost too good to be true :/

[heavenonearth]

So by now, they both have told me they deleted their Tinder.

They both are only seeing me.

 

#2 knows of #1 now....

[heavenonearth]

I think what's scary is people coming out of long term bad relationships will settle for someone quickly because they are different than the ex in the problematic area. Otherwise they can be totally incompatible. But the focus is that one area.

 

A relationship with#2 will most likely breakdown on his part....I man he is making comments that start with "I never...." Not good.

 

It seems as if we are very compatible.

So far, I have not encountered anything that would say otherwise.

[smackie9]

Like I said way back in this thread...throw caution into the wind and see where it lands you. You are not just physically attracted, you are EMOTIONALLY attracted which is most important. You both share the same passions which is needed for a relationship to last for the long haul. No matter what, there will always be a risk....but you can't live life to the fullest without taking risks. It's always a possibility that you have finally found "the one", regardless of him being 6 months out of a LTR.

 

#2 is feeling the butterflies too!

[heavenonearth]

Like I said way back in this thread...throw caution into the wind and see where it lands you. You are not just physically attracted, you are EMOTIONALLY attracted which is most important. You both share the same passions which is needed for a relationship to last for the long haul. No matter what, there will always be a risk....but you can't live life to the fullest without taking risks. It's always a possibility that you have finally found "the one", regardless of him being 6 months out of a LTR.

 

#2 is feeling the butterflies too!

 

 

Ok, so something happened.

 

When we were together on the weekend, I told #2 that I would encourage him to maybe go on a few dates with some other girls. I don't know why I did that, I think I just wanted to make sure that he doesn't feel the need to do it later, and I was convinced that if he would go on a date with another girl, he'd realize how much he likes me. I just felt uneasy about the idea that I was the ONLY girl he'd been with since his ex and him broke up. He also knew that I was dating #1, and so I told him he's free to be with other people, too.

 

So today, he came knocking on my door and there he was and he told me he went on a date last night. I was a bit shocked - I didn't think he'd do it so quickly, after all, we just parted a day prior to this. He said it was the stupidest thing in the world. And that he didn't really need to go on a date to realize that what we have was so special, but thought in that moment, that it would bring clarity (after everything we had experienced was so intense).

 

I didn't really know what to say, but I couldn't really be mad at him, since I am also seeing #1 and was with him last night (and had sex, which sucked, my thoughts were all with #2).

 

So, after a bit of a weird moment in front of my house, I asked #2 to come upstairs, where we lied down and looked at each other and talked more. He then told me that he wants to be exclusive. That he doesn't want to be with anyone else. And asked how I feel about it, and if I still want to see #1, he'd understand, but he'd rather have me not to. He kept being very apologetic about going on that date with this girl, and I told him to shut it.

 

To answer his question, I told him I'd prefer if he wouldn't see other girls, and that I felt dumb for suggesting it in the first place. He insisted that he'd rather have me not be with anyone else, either.

And then he smilingly said "Did we... just commit a bit to each other?"

and I said "I guess so..." and he kissed me and held me really tight.

He told me all the things he loved about me, and we walked hand in hand to the train station, where we parted.

 

We've been texting since he left an hour ago. He's rearranging work appointments he had planned for tomorrow, so he can come over and see me.

 

I don't know what will happen now. Gotta dump #1, I guess ?

[elaine567]

It is not just physical. I just feel completely at ease with him.

I generally feel awkward and anxious around people, but with #2 I just feel completely myself and at ease, like nothing could ever go wrong.

Yeah, almost too good to be true :/

 

Yes but that is what tends to happen when you are the rebound.

 

He has just come out of a long relationship, he is used to being a couple, he feels a bit lost and alone, there is one half missing.

Then you come along and he wants to slot you right into the place his ex partner used to be.

There is often little awkwardness or the "new" feeling with a stranger, because he has put you right into the esteemed position of someone he loves and adores right away. It feels great, you feel cherished and it is all so easy.

BUT the problem with being the rebound, is that one day he wakes up, he realises you are not his ex. You may be nothing like her, you are just some woman who came long and took her place whilst he was grieving and not in his right mind.

He then goes "Who is this woman?, I hardly know her" and decides you are NOT what he wants after all, and he breaks up with you.

YOU are heartbroken because loving, caring men do not come along very often and you thought you had found a winner, a man who truly loves you.

However it wasn't you he actually loved at all, you were just a temporary substitute for the woman he lost.

He then goes off to find himself a real true love.

 

This is the reason that anyone who wants a real relationship, needs to stay away from guys and girls who are just out of a long term relationship.

[heavenonearth]

Yes but that is what tends to happen when you are the rebound.

 

He has just come out of a long relationship, he is used to being a couple, he feels a bit lost and alone, there is one half missing.

Then you come along and he wants to slot you right into the place his ex partner used to be.

There is often little awkwardness or the "new" feeling with a stranger, because he has put you right into the esteemed position of someone he loves and adores right away. It feels great, you feel cherished and it is all so easy.

BUT the problem with being the rebound, is that one day he wakes up, he realises you are not his ex. You may be nothing like her, you are just some woman who came long and took her place whilst he was grieving and not in his right mind.

He then goes "Who is this woman?, I hardly know her" and decides you are NOT what he wants after all, and he breaks up with you.

YOU are heartbroken because loving, caring men do not come along very often and you thought you had found a winner, a man who truly loves you.

However it wasn't you he actually loved at all, you were just a temporary substitute for the woman he lost.

He then goes off to find himself a real true love.

 

This is the reason that anyone who wants a real relationship, needs to stay away from guys and girls who are just out of a long term relationship.

 

 

Wow. This is intense and it may be true. But I can hardly believe this applies here. i think you are wrong with every aspect of this analysis in my situation.

He is the one who ended the last relationship, and it was already over for over a year before she finally accepted it.

They are not in touch and it seems that whenever he mentions her, it's as if with relief that it's in the past.

He has even told his mother of me and his friends have noticed that he feels "found", after having been lost for so many years.

I don't think he is looking to return to a relationship with his ex.

I also don't think I am a rebound.

But hey, that's just me.

[JuneL]

Reading what you've written in this thread, I don't think you'll be happy dropping #2 without fulling exploring things with him (even if there's a risk you're indeed his rebound), because you'll always wonder what if.

 

I think the right thing to do is to also let #1 know that you're dating another guy concurrently, because it sounds like he's kept in the dark.