I like them both, I want them both.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I don't like the sound of no. 2. Maybe it's because of my recent bad experience. When I met my ex he told me on the first date that he "wasn't looking for anything in particular" that he just got out of a 10 year marriage. On dates 2-3 and in between he said that he felt so much chemistry that he changed his mind and wants a relationship. He was in contact non stop and came on super strong. Told me all the right things. How he wasn't looking but just happened to fall for me. I'm pretty cynical but even to me he seemed genuinely smitten. He told me he loves me soon after and introduced me to all his friends. Over the next few months a lot of mess unfolded. His ex was still very much on the picture. He was an alcoholic. He had a large debt. He was flaky and irresponsible. He was prone to lying. Things just kept getting more dramatic and incosistent.

 

I ended it but the whole episode was really stresfulI. I felt gaslighted in many ways.

 

Just saying that things are not always what they seem.

[elaine567]

I think you are getting carried away with how smitten you think both these guys are, but they are both older guys who probably cannot believe their luck that a 30 yo is paying them any attention.

 

I do not see either of them as a "catch".

 

#1 Some a lot older guy (too old probably for you) is very quiet on the communication front and who hasn't had a gf in 3 years - why not?

and

#2 Some other older guy who just got out of a 15 year relationship 4 months ago and has "rebounded" onto you, but is too "busy" to properly date and you get a "weird vibe" off of him...

 

I know your ego is on cloud nine, but take some time to evaluate what it is exactly these guys have to offer you, apart from the obvious ego boost.

[heavenonearth]

Do not be fooled. Many stories of of breaking up on Loveshack entails someone fresh out of a relationship jumping right into another one, then breaks up with the current one after a few months despite proclaiming they were "ready". When the spark flies, people often deceive themselves that they're ready to date, but when things start to get stable they realize they weren't ready or healing completely after all.

 

Thus if you look, you'll see many threads, "he/she was crazy about me but now said he/she needs "space". Sure enough, it's either the ex showing up or the person just realizing they weren't single long enough and wanted to enjoy it a little more.

 

I agree, this makes sense. I will very much take this into account whilst going forward with #2.

[heavenonearth]

I think you are getting carried away with how smitten you think both these guys are, but they are both older guys who probably cannot believe their luck that a 30 yo is paying them any attention.

 

I do not see either of them as a "catch".

 

#1 Some a lot older guy (too old probably for you) is very quiet on the communication front and who hasn't had a gf in 3 years - why not?

and

#2 Some other older guy who just got out of a 15 year relationship 4 months ago and has "rebounded" onto you, but is too "busy" to properly date and you get a "weird vibe" off of him...

 

I know your ego is on cloud nine, but take some time to evaluate what it is exactly these guys have to offer you, apart from the obvious ego boost.

 

 

Thanks for your input.

 

I do not really think I need an 'ego boost'. I have been single for almost a year and I have put off dating for the past half year completely. I am definitely ready for something and I DO GENUINELY like both men. A lot.

 

Why would you think that #1 is too old for me?

I have to admit that I used to date guys a lot younger than me and this is the first time in a long time that I am trying to date someone older. I felt it would be the right thing to do.

 

From what I have gathered, he met a girl in his early thirties, they were together 6 years, they broke up, he met another girl shortly after, they were together for 3 years. Then he decided he wouldn't be with anyone for a long time, so he put off dating for almost 2 years, he said. Only last year he decided to give it a shot again but has not met anyone who he clicked with yet. Now he met me and we click. That's how he told it to me.

 

#2, I agree, seems almost like a rebound. I will have to find out more about his breakup and why they decided to end it after 15 years. So far he has only said that it was already over a year ago, and that it was just a really long, drawn-out and messy breakup. That's all I have gathered. I have no clue what he wants from me, to be honest. All I know is, that he is kinda crushing hard.

[heavenonearth]

I don't like the sound of no. 2. Maybe it's because of my recent bad experience. When I met my ex he told me on the first date that he "wasn't looking for anything in particular" that he just got out of a 10 year marriage. On dates 2-3 and in between he said that he felt so much chemistry that he changed his mind and wants a relationship. He was in contact non stop and came on super strong. Told me all the right things. How he wasn't looking but just happened to fall for me. I'm pretty cynical but even to me he seemed genuinely smitten. He told me he loves me soon after and introduced me to all his friends. Over the next few months a lot of mess unfolded. His ex was still very much on the picture. He was an alcoholic. He had a large debt. He was flaky and irresponsible. He was prone to lying. Things just kept getting more dramatic and incosistent.

 

I ended it but the whole episode was really stresfulI. I felt gaslighted in many ways.

 

Just saying that things are not always what they seem.

 

 

THIS! This reminds me indeed a lot of #2. Not sure about the alcoholic/lying thing, but there is something that's a bit 'off'.

 

I think it's probably best to focus on #1, and if #2 comes around, so be it, but definitely lose focus on him for now.

[Popsicle]

I don't like the sound of no. 2. Maybe it's because of my recent bad experience. When I met my ex he told me on the first date that he "wasn't looking for anything in particular" that he just got out of a 10 year marriage. On dates 2-3 and in between he said that he felt so much chemistry that he changed his mind and wants a relationship. He was in contact non stop and came on super strong. Told me all the right things. How he wasn't looking but just happened to fall for me. I'm pretty cynical but even to me he seemed genuinely smitten. He told me he loves me soon after and introduced me to all his friends. Over the next few months a lot of mess unfolded. His ex was still very much on the picture. He was an alcoholic. He had a large debt. He was flaky and irresponsible. He was prone to lying. Things just kept getting more dramatic and incosistent.

 

I ended it but the whole episode was really stresfulI. I felt gaslighted in many ways.

 

Just saying that things are not always what they seem.

 

When he told you he wasn't looking for anything in particular, that was the one moment when he was being honest. Then after that he just got lost and took you along for the ride too.

 

I think it's good to pay very close attention to the words a man says in the first one or two conversations, particularly cynical things he says. He is telling his real feelings before his brain gets flooded with hormones and he starts doing his peacock dance for you. And we all know those hormones fade after the honeymoon period ends and the reality sets in.

[heavenonearth]

When he told you he wasn't looking for anything in particular, that was the one moment when he was being honest. Then after that he just got lost and took you along for the ride too.

 

I think it's good to pay very close attention to the words a man says in the first one or two conversations, particularly cynical things he says. He is telling his real feelings before his brain gets flooded with hormones and he starts doing his peacock dance for you. And we all know those hormones fade after the honeymoon period ends and the reality sets in.

 

We were writing for two weeks before we first met. After we went on our first date, I asked him, if it's not better if we slow down a bit, since he's only been out of his last relationship 4 months ago. These are the things he wrote:

 

"I promised myself not to just jump into anything, but this is not just anything. And I am not jumping into it. But I really like you, and being with you, and I cant wait to see you again."

"You are not filling a void! You're making me tick. I am sincere and I'd love to spend more time together."

"You hijacked my head, I can't concentrate."

 

That was all part of the conversation that day.

[Popsicle]

We were writing for two weeks before we first met. After we went on our first date, I asked him, if it's not better if we slow down a bit, since he's only been out of his last relationship 4 months ago. These are the things he wrote:

 

"I promised myself not to just jump into anything, but this is not just anything. And I am not jumping into it. But I really like you, and being with you, and I cant wait to see you again."

"You are not filling a void! You're making me tick. I am sincere and I'd love to spend more time together."

"You hijacked my head, I can't concentrate."

 

That was all part of the conversation that day.

 

The mere fact that he uttered the words that he wasn't looking for something serious in the beginning is your sign that he's not going to be what you want. The rest is just getting lost in a fog. Once it clears he will be difficult and it won't go well for you.

[LivingWaterPlease]

 

..."I promised myself not to just jump into anything, but this is not just anything. And I am not jumping into it. But I really like you, and being with you, and I cant wait to see you again."

"You are not filling a void! You're making me tick. I am sincere and I'd love to spend more time together."

"You hijacked my head, I can't concentrate."

 

That was all part of the conversation that day.

 

Think about it. Do you want to date someone that you make tick or do you want to meet someone who is already "ticking" of his own accord?

 

Also, do you want to date someone you've hijacked to the point he can't concentrate? Or do you want to date someone who's judgement is balanced and intact? Who can cooly date you with his thinking cap on evaluating you and the relationship slowly and steadily since that's what dating is for.

 

If he's this nuts over you this early on in your relationship with him it's likely there are things about you he's not noticing that could be deal breakers for him later on down the line after his hormones settle down a little, the newness of the relationship wears off, and he's able to think clearly; that cause him to pull back.

 

This is not to say there are a lot of negative things about you that he should pull back about, at all. It's just that all of us have positive and negative attributes and even behaviors or preferences that aren't negative but that aren't compatible with some other people. This is the time for both of you to be learning about those things in each other to see if they're deal breakers or not.

 

This guy is seemingly so hot and heavy for you that by his own admission he can't think straight. To me, from just the small part I've bolded in your post above, it seems to me he's desperate for someone to rescue him from his life. Could be because he's miserable trying to recover from his ltr?

Edited June 14, 2017 by LivingWaterPlease

[heavenonearth]

Think about it. Do you want to date someone that you make tick or do you want to meet someone who is already "ticking" of his own accord?

 

Also, do you want to date someone you've hijacked to the point he can't concentrate? Or do you want to date someone who's judgement is balanced and intact? Who can cooly date you with his thinking cap on evaluating you and the relationship slowly and steadily since that's what dating is for.

 

If he's this nuts over you this early on in your relationship with him it's likely there are things about you he's not noticing that could be deal breakers for him later on down the line after his hormones settle down a little, the newness of the relationship wears off, and he's able to think clearly; that cause him to pull back.

 

This is not to say there are a lot of negative things about you that he should pull back about, at all. It's just that all of us have positive and negative attributes and even behaviors or preferences that aren't negative but that aren't compatible with some other people. This is the time for both of you to be learning about those things in each other to see if they're deal breakers or not.

 

This guy is seemingly so hot and heavy for you that by his own admission he can't think straight. To me, from just the small part I've bolded in your post above, it seems to me he's desperate for someone to rescue him from his life. Could be because he's miserable trying to recover from his ltr?

 

 

I think he was just trying to be romantic when he said these things.

[LivingWaterPlease]

I think he was just trying to be romantic when he said these things.

 

Yes, am sure he was trying to be romantic.

 

But, are you saying he didn't mean them? Because if he didn't mean them then he's misleading you. If he did mean them, it makes the case that he's not thinking clearly.

 

Which is it? Being romantic by saying things he doesn't mean or being romantic and not thinking clearly? Because that is not the language of a man who is thinking clearly.

[LivingWaterPlease]

I think you are getting carried away with how smitten you think both these guys are, but they are both older guys who probably cannot believe their luck that a 30 yo is paying them any attention..........

 

I know your ego is on cloud nine, but take some time to evaluate what it is exactly these guys have to offer you, apart from the obvious ego boost.

 

Whether it's your ego or not that's on cloud nine it seems to me you are in some sort of a fog or emotional high with having two guys you are excited about to choose from.

 

Emotional highs are wonderful but sometimes they come crashing down around you.

 

I believe you said you've had just one date with one of the guys. One date and a few conversations is nothing to base reality on.

 

Slow down, breathe deeply, take your time and see what develops. It's way too early to choose. Rationally, neither of these guys may be the one. But, no reason not to date and investigate the possibility! One of these guys could be it for you!

 

Wishing you the best and lots of fun finding it!

[LivingWaterPlease]

Also, do you want to date someone you've hijacked to the point he can't concentrate? Or do you want to date someone who's judgement is balanced and intact? Who can cooly date you with his thinking cap on evaluating you and the relationship slowly and steadily since that's what dating is for.

?

 

Don't mean to clutter the thread but bothers me to leave "who's" when it should have been "whose" Anyway, carry on, OP! Wishing you wonderful times as you date these two guys!

[authenticity]

 

#2, I agree, seems almost like a rebound. I will have to find out more about his breakup and why they decided to end it after 15 years. So far he has only said that it was already over a year ago, and that it was just a really long, drawn-out and messy breakup. That's all I have gathered. I have no clue what he wants from me, to be honest. All I know is, that he is kinda crushing hard.

 

Does guy#2 have any kids with girl from last relationship? If not, RED FLAG.

[teak]

1st Guy sounds like it has a chance of working out.

 

2nd guy hasn't been single long. Seriously - the last time he was single he was 23 years old. I would be concerned about that. And the not having the time for a simple date sounds like it could end up an issue later. I totally get the magic and sparks flying and all of that. It's hard to walk away from, but date both for a little while, and be honest about it if asked. But I suspect this guy will weed himself out.

[heavenonearth]

Does guy#2 have any kids with girl from last relationship? If not, RED FLAG.

 

He does not have any kids.

He told me that his first long 6 year relationship during his 30s was mainly long distance and fizzled out in the end, due to them being in different places in the world for careers.

Second girlfriend, who he was with for 3 years, and which ended 3 years ago, they had similar issues. She did not like the place they moved to and wanted to move back home, it seems cultures were clashing a bit.

He told me that he's spent most of his life living alone and it is difficult for him to be open about his emotions, but recognizes it and works on it. His last girlfriend seemed to have been a pretty good influence on him.

I also know that she was still in school when they were together (she was 10 years younger than him), and probably wasn't in the right place to have kids.

He told me he'd like to have kids, but if it won't happen, he'd be ok with it as well.

Now I do wonder, why do you think it is a red flag if he DOES NOT have kids with his ex? I don't get it. I find that perfectly normal.

[heavenonearth]

Yes, am sure he was trying to be romantic.

 

But, are you saying he didn't mean them? Because if he didn't mean them then he's misleading you. If he did mean them, it makes the case that he's not thinking clearly.

 

Which is it? Being romantic by saying things he doesn't mean or being romantic and not thinking clearly? Because that is not the language of a man who is thinking clearly.

 

I think he means them but he is maybe exaggerating a bit in order to sound romantic. I am talking hyper romantic, like a Keats poem.

 

 

1st Guy sounds like it has a chance of working out.

 

2nd guy hasn't been single long. Seriously - the last time he was single he was 23 years old. I would be concerned about that. And the not having the time for a simple date sounds like it could end up an issue later. I totally get the magic and sparks flying and all of that. It's hard to walk away from, but date both for a little while, and be honest about it if asked. But I suspect this guy will weed himself out.

 

I am still so worried about this.

But how will I know if I don't keep trying?

The fact that he does not have time right now is because of work. he is working on a huge project - he is a freelancer - and his partner always makes him turn off his phone during the day and sometimes he turns it on to send me little snippets of his day, which is cute. but yeah, i should add to that that we live 50km away from each other, so it's not like there is a lot of time for spontaneity.

[heavenonearth]

Oh man, people, it's getting complicated.

 

#1

So, 4th date yesterday with #1.

We also had a really nice dinner. He always pays for everything without question (I asked to split the bill, he said 'No way!'). It's kinda nice...

But yeah, great conversations, lots of opening up... Then he met a few of my close friends casually at my local bar when we went for a drink (my friends know that he is one of two that I am dating). We walked to my house and he stayed over. It's so nice to be close to him. He said he thinks we are really great together... :/

 

When we were at my house, he asked me

“Do you still have Tinder?"

And I said “Why do you ask?”

And he said “Well, I deleted mine.”

And I said “How come?”

And he said “Well, I just, dont want to see anyone else. Just, you know, focus on you.”

And I said “Whoa. Ok.”

And he said “I don’t want to pressure you into some kind of commitment, just wanted you to know!”

And I said “Mh ok, let’s see.”

And I took my phone and checked it in front of him and said “Nope, no more tinder”

Which is true. I had deleted it, because I needed space for another app.

I am an a55hole ...

Anyway, I then told him that I need more time to make any decisions, and that I just enjoy spending time with him right now. And he gave his okay.

 

 

#2,

Well, I woke up next to #1 and saw a text on my phone from #2.

Something along the lines of how impossible the past few days were, he has been tired and blue and just wanted to hear my voice. I actually wrote something on a Facebook post two days ago about anxiety and overcoming personal demons (I am a mental health awareness advocate), and he said that he read it and that he thought it was so brave and it made him cry. He wanted to call and tell me in person and then I did not pick up the phone (was on date with #1). He also wrote that he thought I was pretty silent for a moment and he was worried, but it's ok. He said he can't wait to see me, but I sound far away and hesitant. That he likes me and is all up for our date tomorrow, that he got his swim suit and compass packed, and that if I have second thoughts I should let him know. And.. that it would crush him, if that was the case.

 

 

I am so confused.

I am so confused.

I am

so

confused.

[planb1973]

Sounds like #1 is all in but giving you space to decide. You weren't exactly clear with him regarding your Tinder account though. #1 most likely is genuine and ready for a relationship.

 

#2 I already smell neediness. That's all I have to say about him.

[lucy_in_disguise]

I don't think you are ready to commit to either guy right now. There is no harm in casually dating multiple people in the early stages to get to know them and figure out if you're compatible. The key word is casually, though- in my opinion, mulitdating works better if there is no sex or sleepovers involved. Otherwise, there is a high risk of emotional entanglements too early, and hurt feelings

 

#1 sounds like he is potentially a good guy and ready for a serious relationship. However I question if he is too old for you. I think people can be in all kinds of different stages at both your ages and you should make sure you want the same things - beyond a serious commitment- before proceeding too much further. For example, are you on the same page about kids? What about retirement- at 45, depending on his career, he may be looking ahead to that already, while at 30 your career is probably just taking off.

 

#2 - the 15-year relationship he just got out of is a red flag for several reasons. Why didn't they ever marry? That may imply a fear of commitment, esp if marriage is important to you. Plus, he hasn't been single since he was 23. No matter how strong your connection or how much he wants something serious, this is going to be an issue sooner or later. He needs time to find himself again. The neediness he is already demontrating just underscores this fact. But he already knows he's not ready- He told you as much on your first date. He's just choosing to ignore it now because he likes you, and because he's used to having someone so dating you is comforting. The busy-ness may be a red flag too. As someone who travels for work every week, I can empathize to some extent, but people to whom relationships are important, will prioritize them and make the time to see you. So, that's something else to watch for. You can continue dating him to see where it goes, but I would take it very very slow and avoid getting emotionally invested until his actions prove him to be trustworthy and stable over a lengthy time period. If that's not your style- let him go.

[heavenonearth]

I don't think you are ready to commit to either guy right now. There is no harm in casually dating multiple people in the early stages to get to know them and figure out if you're compatible. The key word is casually, though- in my opinion, mulitdating works better if there is no sex or sleepovers involved. Otherwise, there is a high risk of emotional entanglements too early, and hurt feelings

 

#1 sounds like he is potentially a good guy and ready for a serious relationship. However I question if he is too old for you. I think people can be in all kinds of different stages at both your ages and you should make sure you want the same things - beyond a serious commitment- before proceeding too much further. For example, are you on the same page about kids? What about retirement- at 45, depending on his career, he may be looking ahead to that already, while at 30 your career is probably just taking off.

 

#2 - the 15-year relationship he just got out of is a red flag for several reasons. Why didn't they ever marry? That may imply a fear of commitment, esp if marriage is important to you. Plus, he hasn't been single since he was 23. No matter how strong your connection or how much he wants something serious, this is going to be an issue sooner or later. He needs time to find himself again. The neediness he is already demontrating just underscores this fact. But he already knows he's not ready- He told you as much on your first date. He's just choosing to ignore it now because he likes you, and because he's used to having someone so dating you is comforting. The busy-ness may be a red flag too. As someone who travels for work every week, I can empathize to some extent, but people to whom relationships are important, will prioritize them and make the time to see you. So, that's something else to watch for. You can continue dating him to see where it goes, but I would take it very very slow and avoid getting emotionally invested until his actions prove him to be trustworthy and stable over a lengthy time period. If that's not your style- let him go.

 

 

Thank you for these insightful words! I really, really appreciate it.

 

You may be right about some aspects here.

#1 was kind of a career-late-bloomer, he just finished his PhD 6 years ago (he's in academia). I think, that he'll be working for many years to come. And yeah, I am, at 30, still in school and finishing up soon, then hoping to start my career as well, or maybe even continue school - not sure. But I don't see this as too big of an issue.

I already told him that I want kids sometime, but not right now. We haven't really talked in-depth about this - for it is way too early. It was only casually mentioned.

 

Everything you say about #2 is very interesting. Should probably mention though that where we live, marriage amongst young people is not as common as, perhaps, in the US (We live in the Netherlands). A lot of people stay together without getting married. Personally, I am NOT interested in marriage AT ALL, it means nothing to me.

I don't know what happened with #2 and his ex, and why they never married or had kids, but I am sure he will tell me tomorrow on our second date. I am really curious.

I worry that he may be just filling a void with me, perhaps even without realizing it. I should really tread with caution with this guy. It's probably for the best. I feel, he has the ability to really hurt me. He makes me very vulnerable. It is an odd romantic energy.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Everything you say about #2 is very interesting...a void with me, perhaps even without realizing it. I should really tread with caution with this guy. It's probably for the best. I feel, he has the ability to really hurt me. He makes me very vulnerable. It is an odd romantic energy.

 

So far what you post about #1 sounds cool. #2 sounds intense and overly emotional. Didn't you write earlier that he says he's had a hard time expressing his emotions in the past? If so, possibly he's trying very hard to be emotional and is overcompensating.

[heavenonearth]

So far what you post about #1 sounds cool. #2 sounds intense and overly emotional. Didn't you write earlier that he says he's had a hard time expressing his emotions in the past? If so, possibly he's trying very hard to be emotional and is overcompensating.

 

No, that was #1 who is bad at expressing his emotions.

[LivingWaterPlease]

No, that was #1 who is bad at expressing his emotions.

 

 

it seems these two may be on opposite ends of the spectrum emotionally...where do you fall on the spectrum of experiencing and expressing emotions?

[heavenonearth]

it seems these two may be on opposite ends of the spectrum emotionally...where do you fall on the spectrum of experiencing and expressing emotions?

 

 

I am a very emotional person. I like a lot of communication, too. I am generally quite chatty and love sharing aspects of my life and heart. I think #1 and me may encounter problems in that department - although I am sure he is very aware of how different we are here, and yet he still wants me. He acknowledged that he has to open up more, which I find a good thing.

#2 is very emotional and communicative. Seems to wear heart on his sleeve. More like me. But can be recipe for disaster too, I suppose.

High highs, low lows? Not sure.

 

Date number two with #2 in a few hours. Nervous.