17yrs down the drain - wife's 3yr LTA

[BetrayedDad]

I also get the gist that you want to reconcile but want her to prove her fidelity , trustworthiness and complete no contact with other people. All this has to come from her without you asking.

 

I guess the addiction of validation from other people is so strong sometimes that its hard to give up. Is she capable of returning to the mundane family life as everyday life isnt exciting as an affair.

 

Maybe have a talk about having no outings , meetings or chatting up casual people.The ' friend ' thing is a massive disguise !

 

I think right now, the thought of not seeing her kids everyday is helping clear her head and opening her eyes as to what she has risked losing...and for what?...some guy that only used her for sex. I think reality is hitting her hard right now. I just worry what happens in a few years from now when this has all blown over and we are back to the boring but stressful family life...that is if we even stay together.

[Marc878]

I think right now, the thought of not seeing her kids everyday is helping clear her head and opening her eyes as to what she has risked losing...and for what?...some guy that only used her for sex. I think reality is hitting her hard right now. I just worry what happens in a few years from now when this has all blown over and we are back to the boring but stressful family life...that is if we even stay together.

 

By that time it won't matter much. You'll be in your 50's so you'll just have to suck it up and live with it. Unless you want financial disaster.

 

Better think wisely and long term about what you want.

 

Many up front are happy "I've won, I've won!!!! She's still here"!!!! Ten years down the road it's "I wish I had that to do over again".

 

Right now a lot will see remourse when it's really regret at getting caught.

 

Watch wisely and stay out of denial. You'll know if you can keep your wits about you.

[Jersey born raised]

I see DeadSoul posted on your thread. She is a WW who confessed her adultery and is trying to save her marriage. Take a moment to read her thread (click on her name where she posted and pull up her view profie page, click on stats and then threads). If her thread was your wife's what works for you what does not.

 

Understand adultery is solely the responsibility of the WS to heal with help from the BS. The issues in the marriage are shared and until you can argue and fight about them no resolution is possible. So if you rugsweep your marriage will fail again. Why, the issues are never even discussed.

[usa1ah]

Thank you for this comment. It never crossed my mind that kids might someday feel guilty if their parents stayed together just for them. In all honesty, I think kids would be a big factor in parents staying together, but I doubt they would be the ONLY reason. Either way, I like to think that I would never tell my kids that I only stayed married because of them, especially when they were still in school/college. If I stay married, I don't know that I'd ever tell them anything about this. However, I would advise them of the risks of marriage.

 

They will know why with out you telling them. Kids pick up more then you think, I did when I was kid.

[BetrayedDad]

Please allow me to put the proper perspective on wanting to stay in the marriage. The whole purpose of having an affair is to stay married to your spouse while being with other people. Of course she wants to stay married, she always did. This is not about whether or not your wife wants to be married to you but why she had the need to be unfaithful. If she didn't want to be married to you she wouldn't have had an affair, she would have asked for a divorce then run off to be with someone else. I hope that adds perspective to her want to stay married. The real question should be "Why did she have an affair?"

 

Being a sh*ty wife doesn't always mean your a sh*ty mother, but it is a very poor trait for a mother to pass on to her children.

 

Thank you for your comment. The question of "why" she had the affair is what she hopes to understand via IC. Personally, I think I understand why/how it started, but I am really struggling with how she could continue it "off and on" for almost 4 years.

[DKT3]

Thank you for your comment. The question of "why" she had the affair is what she hopes to understand via IC. Personally, I think I understand why/how it started, but I am really struggling with how she could continue it "off and on" for almost 4 years.

 

Why?? Most likely because she had already done it. Because she couldn't put the genie back in the bottle. Then there is the excitement, feeling like a careful teenager​. Another huge element that most cheaters won't admit, getting over on the spouse, making them an unknowing cuckold.

 

My wife maintained​ her affair because​ OM was the only person she could talk to, the only place she could go to escape the guilt and shame. Understanding doesn't make it better,

Edited May 30, 2017 by DKT3

[HereNorThere]

I think right now, the thought of not seeing her kids everyday is helping clear her head and opening her eyes as to what she has risked losing...and for what?...some guy that only used her for sex. I think reality is hitting her hard right now. I just worry what happens in a few years from now when this has all blown over and we are back to the boring but stressful family life...that is if we even stay together.

 

Why would the thought of not seeing the kids now suddenly matter? She knew for four years that if she divorced, she wouldn't be able to see them as often. There was no major realization or epiphany over that. It's finally going to happen now probably, but let's not pretend she didn't have time to thoroughly explore that consequence beforehand.

[HereNorThere]

Another huge element that most cheaters won't admit, getting over on the spouse, making them an unknowing cuckold.

 

This can not be understated. Cheaters always pull the "it wasn't about you" card but when you explore deeper, there's usually some sort of resentment they are punishing you for. I wouldn't believe it myself if the Internet didn't exist and they didn't post their true feelings anonymously when commiserating with other waywards.

[QuietDan]

At this point, the sex part still doesn't seem real. I am just now coming to grips with the lies and deceit and I'm struggling with that, especially given the duration of the affair. I can't get my head around it lasting almost 4 years. That's a long f'ing time for an affair to go on.

Long term affair.

Life style choice.

You were in an open marraige. Your wife just forgot to tell you. One husband wasn't enough for her. She was very good at compartmentalizing. You had your role. He had his.

One thing for certain.

 

She had No Respect for You!

[Marc878]

They will know why with out you telling them. Kids pick up more then you think, I did when I was kid.

 

Don't be surprised if they already know or suspect something.

[BetrayedDad]

This can not be understated. Cheaters always pull the "it wasn't about you" card but when you explore deeper, there's usually some sort of resentment they are punishing you for. I wouldn't believe it myself if the Internet didn't exist and they didn't post their true feelings anonymously when commiserating with other waywards.

 

Interesting...about a month or so ago, she told me that she resented me. That comment hit me hard and made me do some soul searching. I did make tangible changes (i.e., doing laundry, helping with the dishes more often, even vacuuming). I wish she told me that 4 years ago before she started her affair.

[HereNorThere]

Interesting...about a month or so ago, she told me that she resented me. That comment hit me hard and made me do some soul searching. I did make tangible changes (i.e., doing laundry, helping with the dishes more often, even vacuuming). I wish she told me that 4 years ago before she started her affair.

 

It wouldn't have mattered. Once someone starts making you jump through hoops, it's already too late. I can assure you, no matter how hard you tried, she'd just move the goal posts.

[BetrayedDad]

Long term affair.

Life style choice.

You were in an open marraige. Your wife just forgot to tell you. One husband wasn't enough for her. She was very good at compartmentalizing. You had your role. He had his.

One thing for certain.

 

She had No Respect for You!

 

Unfortunately, that sounds pretty accurate.

[Marc878]

Above all else take your time. Do not offer R until you're ready if that's what you seek. Some time away from this would do you good. Maybe a week with some close relatives, etc.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/365269-things-every-wayward-spouse-needs-know

 

A good read for your wife. She'll never fully comprehend as she's not on the receiving end like you are.

[reboot]

Many up front are happy "I've won, I've won!!!! She's still here"!!!! Ten years down the road it's "I wish I had that to do over again".

 

You just described me. Ten years later and I divorced her anyway. Ten years ago would have been way better.

[HereNorThere]

There's a lot of hard truths here that you're coping with, most of which of which are not in your favor.

 

It's know it's hard to imagine or think about right now, but here's a hard truth that's in your favor. When you walk away from this thing, you walk away with clean hands and limitless potential. You've been out of the game, but here in 2017, at your age, your single market value is unbelievably higher than hers. You won't just find love again, you will find better love. And your tale of heart break and escaping an abusive spouse? Ooooo they are gonna eat you up. You look real good paper and these women are thirsty.

 

Her single market value is, umm, well, let's just say she's underwater. Older woman with kids, 4 year scarlet A, not much earning potential. Dude, she's gonna have to settle for cats. Seriously, older men have watched their all the friends get taken to the cleaners or they've been taken to the cleaners themselves. She's elimated a huge portion of men from her dating pool with the cheating alone. At best, she's going to get another cheater or a co-dependent. (Don't think she doesn't know this.)

 

There is a brighter day after this. You need to figure out how to get out of the swamp. Every moment you stay there is adding to your PTSD. Even if you don't leave physically, mentally, you need to grieve the loss of her and start preparing for your new life. Find a friend or relative who wants to go to Vegas and plan it out. Go buy the car you've always wanted to buy. Hit the gym, find some self improvement websites, new wardrobe, whatever you freaking want. You are no longer bound by her chains.

 

Welcome to the world. Good things are coming if you let them. You'll be surprised at how much things have changed since you were younger.

Edited May 30, 2017 by HereNorThere

[QuietDan]

So much time and history built on lies, and half truths. Living a seperate hidden life. These experiences have made her a profoundly different person than the one you knew. So much life and shared experiences with someone pretending to be someone else. Does she even truly know who she is and what she really wants on life? 4 years, well beyond any sort of affair fog fantasy mind set. Will she ever truly be honest and transparent with you? Lieing to you is a long term practiced habit and way of life for her. Long term habits are very difficult to break. Perhaps it is the fear of change and the unknown that is driving her to attempt to ... salvage .... Your marriage. In many ways, she has become accustom to controlling and manipulating everything in order to keep the affair a secrete. Now, she is no longer in control. She may very well be willing to say and do anything she can in order to get back in control. So far she is following the action plans for waywards. Putting check marks by the boxes. That is presuming she is still the same person you think you know... Who doesn't exist. May have never existed. At the very least, hasn't existed for over 4 years. Do you really want to be in a life time committed relationship with this person you just met? The old relationship has long ago passed away.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Herenorthere, you've summed up the OP's situation pretty well in contemporary terms. However what you have said puts a very materialistic slant on the whole question of marriage and relationships. Sometimes I wonder if this is what ails the modern contemporary world. We look at everything from a materialistic point of view. We evaluate relationships in terms of market value, good looks, earning capacity and whether a person holds a position of power within the organization he or she works in.

 

Relationships have become something like a business transaction and spouses are more like business partners than lovers. Sex seems to be pretty cheap these days. You can probably get it at the corner drug store. Every action in the dating and marital relationship situation is a transaction. It is like a game of chess. The two players keep making moves to beat the other or completely vanquish them. There used to be a time when we were more spiritual than materialistic. Our actions were based more on spiritual underpinnings than on materialistic ones. Morality and ethics were spin offs of our spiritual persona. Now, however, spiritual leanings have been replaced by materialistic convictions. All we do is driven by materialistic convictions. Human beings seem to have withdrawn into a shell of selfishness and transact with others including their spouses from inside this shell.

 

Of course there are still a lot of people who still have spiritual underpinnings. These are the unfortunate people who give their hearts unconditionally to someone with materialistic convictions. These are the folks we find who come to this forum with broken hearts because they have been stabbed in the back by their selfish, materialistic spouses. Those spouses do not even know how to spell spiritual let alone know what it means to be spiritual. And let me be clear, I am not talking of religion here. Religion and spirituality are two very different things. Religion is man made whereas spirituality is what we are in essence and this essence stems from the Godhead. So like I said your post makes eminent sense but only if you look at it from a purely materialistic point of view. Just saying. Warm wishes

[BetrayedDad]

So much time and history built on lies, and half truths. Living a seperate hidden life. These experiences have made her a profoundly different person than the one you knew. So much life and shared experiences with someone pretending to be someone else. Does she even truly know who she is and what she really wants on life? 4 years, well beyond any sort of affair fog fantasy mind set. Will she ever truly be honest and transparent with you? Lieing to you is a long term practiced habit and way of life for her. Long term habits are very difficult to break. Perhaps it is the fear of change and the unknown that is driving her to attempt to ... salvage .... Your marriage. In many ways, she has become accustom to controlling and manipulating everything in order to keep the affair a secrete. Now, she is no longer in control. She may very well be willing to say and do anything she can in order to get back in control. So far she is following the action plans for waywards. Putting check marks by the boxes. That is presuming she is still the same person you think you know... Who doesn't exist. May have never existed. At the very least, hasn't existed for over 4 years. Do you really want to be in a life time committed relationship with this person you just met? The old relationship has long ago passed away.

 

You have very well captured much of what runs through my mind. In a nutshell, she has lied and deceived me for so long and easily, I wonder what was and is real. I suppose time will tell.

[HereNorThere]

Let this crap be her burden to carry. You have kids, man. They're still alive and healthy, you're able to rebuild, I promise.

 

Brother, you will grieve your losses and bury your dead. We all have to have to until we're the ones being buried. A life spent being tormented by someone else's negligence and poor decision making is a poor choice to make, but you can make that choice if you wish.

 

Get yourself into weekly IC (once a month is not enough right now, you need to checking in with some frequently.) Take comfort in your friends and family. Don't be a victim, dude. You're liberated now. Don't be the guy in Shawshank Redemption who didn't want to leave prison. Yeah, don't be Brooks, man. Once you move past all of this, you'll see how much this emotional vampire has been draining you. You will emerge from this stronger and enlightened if you do the work.

 

This is your time to be selfish. She had hers, it's your turn. Only you're mature enough not hurt everyone. Seriously, take care of yourself. Put your need before hers because you deserve it. Look me up if you're ever out here in Denver. You're a gentleman, right? Good, they have clubs for us here.

[BluesPower]

There's a lot of hard truths here that you're coping with, most of which of which are not in your favor.

 

It's know it's hard to imagine or think about right now, but here's a hard truth that's in your favor. When you walk away from this thing, you walk away with clean hands and limitless potential. You've been out of the game, but here in 2017, at your age, your single market value is unbelievably higher than hers. You won't just find love again, you will find better love. And your tale of heart break and escaping an abusive spouse? Ooooo they are gonna eat you up. You look real good paper and these women are thirsty.

 

Her single market value is, umm, well, let's just say she's underwater. Older woman with kids, 4 year scarlet A, not much earning potential. Dude, she's gonna have to settle for cats. Seriously, older men have watched their all the friends get taken to the cleaners or they've been taken to the cleaners themselves. She's elimated a huge portion of men from her dating pool with the cheating alone. At best, she's going to get another cheater or a co-dependent. (Don't think she doesn't know this.)

 

There is a brighter day after this. You need to figure out how to get out of the swamp. Every moment you stay there is adding to your PTSD. Even if you don't leave physically, mentally, you need to grieve the loss of her and start preparing for your new life. Find a friend or relative who wants to go to Vegas and plan it out. Go buy the car you've always wanted to buy. Hit the gym, find some self improvement websites, new wardrobe, whatever you freaking want. You are no longer bound by her chains.

 

Welcome to the world. Good things are coming if you let them. You'll be surprised at how much things have changed since you were younger.

 

I can vouch for this one for sure. I have had so many women crawling on me since I got divorced it is kind of embarrassing.

 

The one I settled on for now, after many, many woman is 39 and I am 53. She is hot, loving, and just nuts about me.

 

The has been with a selection of Man children and for her to be with a grown man is like a whole new world.

 

For me it was like shooting fish in a barrel...

[Trtroles]

You said your wife "surprised you with timeline".

 

This is another trick. She is reading your thread and playing with your emotions. Why did it take her so long to write one ? There is still some "holes" in her timeline because she was not honest ONCE AGAIN.

 

Important question for you: are you sure this is her first Affair ???

 

4 years is to long. I dont know how can you do it.

 

Dont forget about her friends. Hell,maybe even her parents,siblings helped her. You never know.

 

Where have you been when she called her parents ? Did she do it behind your back or with you in the same room ?

[Furious]

 

 

I had that off feeling for years and just knew something was up...the most obvious sign was her extreme phone guarding.

 

Last year I bought the book "Not Just Friends", confronted her after checking our phone records and finding weekly texts to her AP, and she said nothing was going on.

 

I asked her to read the book with hopes that it hadn't turned physical. She only read about half of the book.

 

She never admitted that she was even in an EA and she said that I was insecure.

 

It turns out she was already 3 years into the affair at that time (but still insisted nothing was going on).

 

She implied that I played a part in causing her to cheat, but I would not accept that.

 

Her initial response on D-Day was that she was not happy and wanted a divorce, but her mind seemed to go back and forth.

 

She says she does not want a divorce and hopes that I can forgive her.

 

 

 

 

Your wife denied and denied....even accused you being insecure and then even blamed you when you got the truth.

 

 

You've been gaslighted for over 4 years, that is emotional abuse. She played you, she manipulated you and turned it on you when you finally got the truth.

 

 

The irony is she was used by the OM, the OM who threw her under the bus when you contacted his wife. You've just become the consolation prize behind door # 2.

 

It seems she's been tearing down your self esteem over the past 4 years and it seems to have worked.

 

She's not "remorseful" in a true sense. The affair never ended, like most affairs it consisted of breaks that only increased the intensity to keep it alive.

Odds are she was obsessed with the OM, odds are she's looking for closure with the OM and believes she meant more to him and feels betrayed by his rejection of her existence.

 

While she fights against you divorcing she's most likely thinking about the OM and her "pain" in losing him and her "pain" in the future faking she fell for.

 

You're only one actor in the play you did not audition for and you're still playing the part of the fool.

Edited May 30, 2017 by Furious

[BetrayedDad]

Your wife denied and denied....even accused you being insecure and then even blamed you when you got the truth.

 

 

You've been gaslighted for over 4 years, that is emotional abuse. She played you, she manipulated you and turned it on you when you finally got the truth.

 

 

The irony is she was used by the OM, the OM who threw her under the bus when you contacted his wife. You've just become the consolation prize behind door # 2.

 

It seems she's been tearing down your self esteem over the past 4 years and it seems to have worked.

 

She's not "remorseful" in a true sense. The affair never ended, like most affairs it consisted of breaks that only increased the intensity to keep it alive.

Odds are she was obsessed with the OM, odds are she's looking for closure with the OM and believes she meant more to him and feels betrayed by his rejection of her existence.

 

While she fights against you divorcing she's most likely thinking about the OM and her "pain" in losing him and her "pain" in the future faking she fell for.

 

You're only one actor in the play you did not audition for and you're still playing the part of the fool.

 

I believe there is a lot of truth in your post. Thank you for telling it like you see it.

[Furious]

I believe there is a lot of truth in your post. Thank you for telling it like you see it.

 

 

BD

 

I only reposted your own words. It's your truth.

 

You are not a prisoner to her dysfunction.

 

My heart goes out to you and it's obvious you're a good man who is genuine.

 

Trust that you're smart and think with your head. Trust your inner voice, it's the best voice you'll ever hear.

Edited May 30, 2017 by Furious