17yrs down the drain - wife's 3yr LTA

[road]

Just to clarify, I currently have no idea exactly what my wife and I are going to tell our kids. I will be researching this topic and putting a lot of thought into it before we communicate anything to them. I can imagine the impact it will have on them and want to make sure that we do it in the best way possible.

 

First Rule:

 

Never have the WW there when you tell the kids the truth. For all the

WW will do is to deny, blame shift, spin things around blaming her BH.

 

As you see the WW will only hamper the truth coming out. The BH does

not need help to get the truth out.

 

The children after being told can talk to the WW/mom all they want.

Believe me the WW will get her shot at talking with her children. They

will make sure of it.

 

Second Rule:

 

Keep it simple and to the point.

 

Mom had a boyfriend, his name is ________ and they have been

going out on dates as BF and GF.

 

Married people do not have BF/GF and go out on dates with them. To

do so is know as having an affair, cheating, unfaithful and also infidelity.

 

See no need to give details for the truth still comes out loud and clear.

[road]

Just don't let her weasel out of being there like my cheating ex-husband did. He refused to be a part of the discussion and made me tell my kids alone.

 

You were better off not having him there trying to do damage control

and tell more lies.

[road]

I'm not saying tell them or not. I will share Abit of my experience. My son was in that same range, when I filed for divorce I told him that daddy could not live here anymore it was my fault and it's not what mom wants....for years we thought it was fine. Then boom it all blew up. I wont say he hates his mom, but it challenging to say the least. The problem, young doesn't mean stupid or clueless. As my son matured he started to put the pieces together. Now he has this picture that isn't accurate. Point is, there is a real danger in assuming they don't know more than you think. You can never be sure what they heard or saw. My son knew alot but didn't understand. As time passed he connected the dots. Now as he closes in on college and leaving the nest he is angry..

 

It's a bad situation with really no way of knowing how best to handle it.

 

 

I have seen this story played out to many times. To protect the child

is the stated reason. Though whatever other motives we will never know.

 

Though as this post illustrates that the child was harmed more by being

lied to then of him being told the truth.

 

Yes it is bad to here your family is falling apart. Though better to deal

with as a young child then be ready to have a healthy relationship as an

adult then to be left as an adult with tons of FOO issues and repeating the

divorce cycle in the next generation.

[Lost2574]

I want to thank all of you for replies, both good and bad. I realize what I have done and it's very hard to live with. I do love my family. I want whatever is best for all of us. When my boys are old enough I will likely tell them the truth as an example to them how not to handle problems in a relationship. I've made many many mistakes. I cannot undo what I have done but going forward I can make the right choices and hope that in time I will be forgiven by God. I pray every day that time will help heal my husband. I know he is truly traumatized. He did not deserve any of this. As much as I hated to read all the replies it was an eye opener to the gravity of my choices. I am seeing a counselor to deal with my issues. I wish you all the best.