17yrs down the drain - wife's 3yr LTA

[Furious]

Mediation was just a consultation, but it went well. It was the first time my wife met with an attorney to discuss anything regarding a divorce. We were both mature and civil.

 

 

Afterward, we drove around and looked at houses that she might consider moving to.

 

We agreed to hold off on making the final decision on mediation until our kids finish out the school year (which is the end of next week) and she has been to IC.

 

 

Your wife is house hunting and stringing you along.

 

She two steps ahead of you, you're devastated about divorcing but she's been preparing the end for years. The only spoke in the wheel is OM dumping her.

 

You've posted about how you couldn't eat or sleep and cried but she posted about how she sometimes doesn't get lunch until 2 in the afternoon at work.

 

She's only been back to work in the past few months and already stressed out after being a stay at home wife who's kids have been in school full time for over four years.

 

Please wake up, nothing will meet her needs. She's not ok, she feels no remorse and you're still the one she blames.

[Buckeye2]

Right now, she says she loves me, but I can't bring myself to believe her.

 

(Please forgive me if I posted something similar already)

 

She very well could love you very much but it’s as a father.

 

Think of her as your teenage daughter. She wanted to see a boy that you don’t approve of so she snuck out of her bedroom window. She had you for security but you’re boring when compared to the boy. You’re stable and have always been there for her so she could take you for granted.

 

She had a wonderful life with a division of labor. You for security and the boy for fun. Who would want that to end? Now she’s caught. Daddy might kick her out and the boy has no place for her to live.

 

Only now does she appreciate all the boring things daddy did.

[reboot]

Because as crazy as it sounds, I still love her. I guess I'm just hoping for some miracle to happen that will make me believe she feels the same about me. I know in my head it won't happen, but in my heart, I keep hoping.

 

It isn't crazy at all. Many of us have been there, have that t-shirt. I lived it for the better part of ten years. Some people simply have no empathy for anything or anyone beyond their own needs. It's a hard lesson to learn. I hope it doesn't take you as long as it did me to learn it.

[whichwayisup]

After counseling session 1, it turns out I wasn't meeting her needs. What you ask, my needs...those are irrelevant. Besides, my needs must have been met since I never cheated. Go figure.

 

Sorry, I'm feeling a little sarcastic today.

 

So that is her excuse as to why she cheated? Instead of talking to you about needs not being met or if she was feeling unhappy or neglected she chose to go outside of the marriage and get her needs met by another man? WTF. That isn't remorse, it's blame (on you)!! Is she aware how broken she is?

[whichwayisup]

Just to clarify, it was her IC. I have not agreed to MC. I honestly don't want MC until I feel there is something left worth saving. Right now, she says she loves me, but I can't bring myself to believe her.

 

As long as she's still blaming you and justifying her affair, there's no point in trying. She has to show you she's worth fighting for! Her actions have to prove to you that she loves you and it's not just words out of desperation, reaction to the fallout and her being scared of losing the life she once had with you. Her actions and words have to match! Right now she's still putting herself first and by blaming you that her needs weren't met and that's why she cheated is bunk and NOT owning what she did to you.

[reboot]

So that is her excuse as to why she cheated? Instead of talking to you about needs not being met or if she was feeling unhappy or neglected she chose to go outside of the marriage and get her needs met by another man? WTF. That isn't remorse, it's blame (on you)!! Is she aware how broken she is?

 

I've read this same script from WS over and over here. Heard it in real life too. This is exactly the same crap I heard from mine.

[Overtaxed]

I've read this same script from WS over and over here. Heard it in real life too. This is exactly the same crap I heard from mine.

 

Yup, seems to be part of "the script" heard almost exactly these words myself.

[mikeylo]

(Please forgive me if I posted something similar already)

 

She very well could love you very much but it’s as a father.

 

Think of her as your teenage daughter. She wanted to see a boy that you don’t approve of so she snuck out of her bedroom window. She had you for security but you’re boring when compared to the boy. You’re stable and have always been there for her so she could take you for granted.

 

She had a wonderful life with a division of labor. You for security and the boy for fun. Who would want that to end? Now she’s caught. Daddy might kick her out and the boy has no place for her to live.

 

Only now does she appreciate all the boring things daddy did.

 

^^^ This.

 

BD, she wants you for security and stability and the other men for thrill and excitement. You are not enough for her but she needs you. OTOH, she knows the other men are not of moral character but she isn't making them a long term partner anyway, so ...

 

You love her today but she is pushing you away everyday is killing that love by her own hands till one day you won't feel anything.

 

Today she has you that's why she feels she can juggle you and other men but the day you are gone , she will have to live with your memory only.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I was wondering, did your wife ever inform you which one of her needs you weren't meeting and that she was planning on outsourcing to another vendor to get those tasks/action items taken care of before she decided to cheat?

If not, were you advised that you needed to work on your mind reading and intuitive understanding empathic skills?

 

I was wondering this, too, although you worded it in a much more amusing way than I would have.

[BluesPower]

Yes, they all say that...

 

If it were not so sad, it would be funny. And it is almost entirely a female thing. Not completely but almost.

 

What I just realize about a year ago in my marriage/divorce is the following: Not one time in 26 years did my wife ever come to me and say, "We need to talk about x". Not one time in all those years.

 

I was always the one that went to her and said, "look we need to talk about this or that". The only thing I can think of is that she did not care if anything got worked out.

 

BD, you stay strong, stay the course, I promise that when you get through the divorce that you will be so much happier.

 

I know that it does not seem like it now, but it will be so much better.

 

One thing I can testify to is that when you have a woman that really loves you, you don't have to worry, you don't have to wonder if she really loves you, you just know it. You feel it.

 

I am betting that if you are honest with yourself you have not felt love from her in a long time.

[mikeylo]

To add, She is only 'avoiding' the other men , right ? There you have all your answers. She is still in contact and is getting her side thrill. No wonder she isn't committed to you. She hasn't cut contact.

 

You need a new ' home'. A moral person can make you feel like a home coming. Find that.

Edited June 14, 2017 by mikeylo

[aliveagain]

Love is only a four letter word if it doesn't come from respect.

 

She brought that man into your home, but says they didn't do it in your bed. Humiliating you and your children in your own home but she says she loves you.

 

But in her first IC she talks about how you didn't meet her needs.

 

Wake up BD, you're worth more than this. She's done a number on your self esteem.

 

How did I miss this fact? I asked 2 questions a while back, did she defile your sanctuary, did she introduce him to your children. I was sure your answer was no. This puts a whole new spin on her treachery and on the level of her immorality. This confirms that her loyalty to the O/M trumped her loyalty to you. Your in conflict and struggling because your brain recognizes the dishonour and indignity she brought into your life and is trying to protect you, your heart is blinding you into believing she's the same woman you married. Your brain realizes that she had more going on outside of your marriage then she did in it and her allegiance is to the O/M.

 

You can't fix someone that doesn't want to be fixed. I think your money is better spent on fixing yourself and a good lawyer. Her IC sounds like someone with little infidelity experience.

[BetrayedDad]

How did I miss this fact? I asked 2 questions a while back, did she defile your sanctuary, did she introduce him to your children. I was sure your answer was no. This puts a whole new spin on her treachery and on the level of her immorality. This confirms that her loyalty to the O/M trumped her loyalty to you. Your in conflict and struggling because your brain recognizes the dishonour and indignity she brought into your life and is trying to protect you, your heart is blinding you into believing she's the same woman you married. Your brain realizes that she had more going on outside of your marriage then she did in it and her allegiance is to the O/M.

 

You can't fix someone that doesn't want to be fixed. I think your money is better spent on fixing yourself and a good lawyer. Her IC sounds like someone with little infidelity experience.

 

It was only about a week ago that she admitted he had been in our house. Before that, she always denied it.

Edited June 14, 2017 by BetrayedDad

[mercy]

 

One thing I can testify to is that when you have a woman that really loves you, you don't have to worry, you don't have to wonder if she really loves you, you just know it. You feel it.

 

.

 

BetrayedDad, the above is what you deserve. Every good man does.

 

You should wake up every day feeling like this.

[QuietDan]

It was only about a week ago that she admitted he had been in our house. Before that, she always denied it.

3% discovered or revealed,

97% ... A lot worse, things you never could have imagined she was capable of....

[aliveagain]

It was only about a week ago that she admitted he had been in our house. Before that, she always denied it.

 

BD is she going to replace the furniture she defiled, sex happened somewhere in your home, his contamination it appears is on everything. She brought 4 years of pestilence into your home, besides blaming you, what's her plan on how she is going to fix this? You need to start cleaning house.

[harrybrown]

Did she admit yet to having sex with him in your bed?

 

That is a real F*** You from a spouse. She did that because she hates you.

 

Yes she did things with him and for him that she would never do for you.

 

She used her energy and her keen mind to do everything for her lover for years.

 

She has no feelings for you. Sorry. She used to much energy on her AP to have any thing left for her family, kids and you.

 

So the sex with her lover, she will never forget, it was wild, and she loved it.

 

He just did it to use her without paying her. But he did get the best sex from her she could give. And she will never do any of that for you.

 

 

Stop being a choice for her. Do not play pick me or be her backup plan until the next AP comes along.

 

She is a nurse and has FWB at her work. Hope you do not get stds from her.

 

Do not wait for school to get out .

she did not care for her family for years. Have her leave now.

 

She must really hate you to do this to you.

 

I get upset when someone does things to my kids and grandkids.

 

If someone cheats for years on one of your kids, she might come close to your pain, but she has no idea what she did. And she does not care, because she did it over and over and over.

 

She and the OM laughed at you behind your back. Just like my former daughter-in- law did with her co-worker behind my son's back.

 

And I was so stupid to help pay for some of her education so that she could work in healthcare. Then he caught her sitting on his lap at a company function. But at this company party, it was only the two of them there.

 

Yes, I filed out the D papers for him. But if your stbxwife ever wants to get an idea of how horrible she is, think about someone doing what she did to have someone do it to her kid.

 

No excuse for the A. She should have filed for D before she ever started flirting with the OM.

 

She made hundreds of bad decisions before she ever took her clothes off for the OM.

 

She exaggerated your faults to justify her guilt for having the A. She is one of the most selfish people around. Did not think about her kids either.

 

Too much effort goes into the planning and lying and cheating.

 

Go full speed with your D. Get her out of your life.

 

I wonder how many threesomes she had with the OM. More than she ever did with you.

[mikeylo]

I'm sorry BD, you've got to cut your loses here. She is still continuing her affair. Leave.

 

The second part of life is best if spent with a decent moral woman. Your children will be better off with a stepmom of good morals and integrity. While hard to find but you will.

[Marc878]

After counseling session 1, it turns out I wasn't meeting her needs. What you ask, my needs...those are irrelevant. Besides, my needs must have been met since I never cheated. Go figure.

 

Sorry, I'm feeling a little sarcastic today.

 

Good god another whacko IC. The only thing a lot of them are good for is your $ to put their kids through college.

 

I hope to hell you didn't accept that BS

[Marc878]

Just to clarify, it was her IC. I have not agreed to MC. I honestly don't want MC until I feel there is something left worth saving. Right now, she says she loves me, but I can't bring myself to believe her.

 

Well she is a proven liar so.....

[Marc878]

Because as crazy as it sounds, I still love her. I guess I'm just hoping for some miracle to happen that will make me believe she feels the same about me. I know in my head it won't happen, but in my heart, I keep hoping.

 

When I think with my head instead of my heart, I know that even though I didn't cheat, her initial response on D-Day was that she was not happy and wanted a divorce. Then she continued to trickle truth me over and over. Two weeks after D-Day she took off her wedding ring because she thought I gave up. Yesterday, she texted me 9 times but couldn't find the time to send me even one just to say "I love you". Her true feelings seem so obvious on paper.

 

It takes some time for your heart to sync up with what your brain. In these circumstances your heart will betray you just as she did.

[Marc878]

It was only about a week ago that she admitted he had been in our house. Before that, she always denied it.

 

Not sure why but a lot get excitement from desecrating the marital bed.

 

I think it's along the lines of taking everything from you. Thrill seeking at your expense.

[40somethingGuy]

The first thing you need to stop doing is... STOP COMFORTING HER. SCREW HER, SHE NEEDS TO BE COMFORTING YOU NON STOP.

 

You need to stop carrying the heavy water on this.

 

You need to step back and get your head together. First off, she is not crying for you at all, and you need to realize that right now.

 

She is crying for herself, her lover, her loss of status with everyone that you tell and maybe the loss of support if you decide to divorce her.

 

And look, have you screwed her since you found out, I hope to hell not.

 

And here is the deal, 3 years man. 3 years!!! That is just a really long time and she was a SAHM??? So you were supporting her affair on top of everything else and you did not even get to watch??? Think about that for a while.

 

Further, stay away from MC for right now. Almost all of them try to work on the issues of the marriage first and most of them shy away from dealing with the affair. Most of them don't know how to deal with infidelity at all.

 

And, any counselor that she goes to, you need to go to the first appt. and tell the IC that you want you wife to figure out what her issues are that cause her to be able to do this. And this IC needs to understand about infidelity and have experience with.

 

I would say more but I have to make love to my girl friend right now...

 

OP,

#1 Blues is the one I reached out too privately when I was dealing with these issues because he isn't afraid to say the uncomfortable stuff and I found him to be right about everything. Even though I often wanted him to be wrong. Helping BS's is definitely a skill he is good at.

 

#2..MC is the biggest waste of money ever unless you can afford the nationally known guys like Lee Baucom or someone like that. They likely mean well but if its a female you will have to hear why you pushed her to do this and that and it really is a crap approach. I went to two and had enough. Funny, even my wife agreed that the affair was glossed over and a lot of surface emotions were beaten to death. I even had one of the MC's tell me to 'get over it, that was then this is now' when I talked about her continuing some behaviors that my wife earlier said were done to 'distance from me.' You really are better off taking stacks of 100's and burning them in a fire pit.

 

#3..I don't know how you ever can get over multiple years of deceit. A mistake is MAYBE kissing another man when drunk and waking up the next day saying 'dear God what did I do?' Choosing to lie and cover and have a 2nd life outside of you and your family is never anything that can be chalked up to as a 'mistake.' Blues is right that she is crying bc she now feels betrayed by the man she betrayed you with and can very well be out with nothing...and kids who will eventually find out why mom and dad split even if (depending on their ages) that is years down the road. Just more for her to look forward to in the future. She could have stopped (and the sex was bad, right...lol) and she choose not to. All that said, I completely understand that not seeing the kids every day is crushing and the only consideration from speeding to the lawyers office to file.

Edited June 18, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language~T

[Mind-Chants]

You have mentioned that you still love your wife. I feel that you are seeking some kind of validation from your wife(It's a kind of rejection) in matters of her feelings towards you just to justify the deep seated desire of reconcialation. Given her skill to manipulate you, what she says or does shouldn't factor in your decisions. If she can deceive you for years , imagine what can she do with you when you are vulnerable.

Please dont use kids as justification for reconcialation. It is only going to affect your relationship with them in long run.

[Zona]

Not sure why but a lot get excitement from desecrating the marital bed.

 

I think it's along the lines of taking everything from you. Thrill seeking at your expense.

 

It's the twisted cheater's mindset. The worse the act of betrayal, the more exciting the sex. They use the betrayed spouse as a prop to make the affair more thrilling. It's really hard for a moral and psychologically healthy person to understand, but it is what it is.