17yrs down the drain - wife's 3yr LTA

[Marc878]

I just realized today is exactly 1 week since D-Day. I barely slept again last night, but I did eat breakfast for the first time in a week. So I'm exercising and starting to eat again...I guess that's progress. I go see the divorce attorney tomorrow, but still don't know what to ask. I am so unproductive at work that I am using vacation days for this whole week but still sit at my desk and stare at the screen. I can't concentrate on work right now...my mind is going in so many directions. I scrolled through the pictures taken in my phone over the last 4 years and just can't believe everything was a lie. I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone. Hopefully I'll start sleeping better after meeting with the attorney tomorrow. Thanks again for all of your comments and support. It means a lot to me right now.

 

Have a talk with your boss. They'll understand plus you can use all the support you can get.

[Chaparral]

You say she won't tell you what you need to know. That is totally mistaken.

When dealing with cheater or any other know liar, what comes out of their mouth is worthless any how. She is telling you everything you need to know through her actions. Trust me she is measuring you through your actions and you are finding up short.

You are showing her you are the kind of man that is so weak you will put up with the worst think a wife can actually do to her husband.

She divorced you a long time ago. How often did you say she was hooking up with him? How often was she hooking up with you? That is your biggest clue.

[Mr Blunt]

BetrayedDad

 

It has only been one week since D-day so your paralysis is understandable. However, when you get to the point that you are willing to listen and then ACT I have a suggestion. You cannot do what all these experienced posters have recommended until you get yourself strong enough so that you are not controlled by fear, self-blaming, and being emotionally weak.

 

Find the help that you need so that you start getting stronger then force yourself to take ACTIONS. At this time you are more consumed by other priorities and nothing will get better until you get strong enough to take the actions that have been recommended. You are now in a war about your self-worth and your wife has perpetuated your crises. STOP thinking and being concerned with your wife and instead focus on you and your children. I know it is very difficult to do but you will have to get stronger or you will be no good to yourself or your children.

DO YOU HAVE A PLAN TO GET STRONGER? What is that plan?

[HereNorThere]

I know you are feeling inadequate right now and that's understandable. As much as we try to tell you that it isn't your fault, the ego blow is soooo crushing it's hard to believe us.

 

I'd like to give you some evidence that we are right that though. First, you have to understand that cheaters usually always cheat down. It's hard to find someone of strong moral character and a high level of attractiveness that's also willing to cheat. Why would a perfectly good man with options choose to sleep with someone with as much baggage as your wife? The truth is that they wouldn't. A guy with options would download an app and woman would show up like magic to his house. This OM was no prize. He was a desperate opportunist who wanted your table scraps because they were better than his meal. If he could have done better, he would have.

 

Your wife wasn't looking at you objectively because she already had you. The challenge was gone and she took you for granted. There will be a day when she sees you with a better, more attractive, loyal woman and regrets ever doing what she did. We've all taken things for granted before so I'm sure you know what that's like.

 

Arnold Schwarzenegger cheated on his wife with a monstrosity of a woman. I mean, I can barely look at that ghoulish beast. To think that she was somehow better than Maria Shriver is laughable. Arnold could have had nearly any woman in the world but he too was an opportunist and cheated down. And now he has to live with the consequences and they are not good man, not very good at all. Just think about that.

[Furious]

Have a talk with your boss. They'll understand plus you can use all the support you can get.

 

 

Yes...talk to your boss and get the support you need.

 

Please stay away from alcohol too!!!

 

Sadly at someone's lowest point is when it's so difficult to stay strong and clear headed.

 

Please reach out to someone in your family or a dear friend to lean on. Seek individual counselling for yourself.

 

Think with your head and not your emotions, if you feel angry go to the gym and let the stress out.

 

Many of us have been in your shoes and we care.

[harrybrown]

Do not play the pick me dance.

 

she is an addict and her drug is the OM.

 

You can not understand how she could do this to her family, but she is a druggie.

 

She can't beat it.

 

Cut your losses. No more sympathy for her.

 

File for D. she sleeps in the garage.

 

Do the 180. She cheated because she wanted to. she is selfish.

 

 

She is not the person that you think she is, she is now showing you her true self.

 

DNA your kids. after she writes her timeline, then she takes a Polly on the timeline. Do not waste your money on MC.

 

Tell her to get a job and she did things with him that she never did with you and with all her energy and passion.

 

 

Tell her she can go live in the OM's driveway.

 

She is not the woman that you think you love. She did this for a very long time and with so much deception.

 

Did she do the deed with him in your house and in your bed?

 

Did he meet your kids?

 

you will heal faster with her gone.

[Jersey born raised]

Wow, really focused suggestions all well written. You mentioned spending time reading but I notice you only have posts on your threads. Find posters by BS, both genders that echo parts of your's. Post to those threads it will help you clarify your thoughts and raise your awareness of what may well happen and what your responce will be.

 

Read this posters three threads http://www.loveshack.org/forums/search.php?searchid=29894967. 3 threads 80 posts. He divorced and sounds like he is doing great. I think you will find insight into your self and your marriage. His name is brownhairguy. He is long gone but read them and if they echo link to the thread and discuss here.

 

If you find it helps I have a folder I titled "doing it right". It has a dozen or so threads (many on this site) from both divorced, WS, and BS that I find insight for a posters.

 

Keep the attorney appointment. He will give you what generally happens but don't accept his stories. Instead tell him what is not acceptable. For example custody and child support. Support is most times what it is with little leeway without a lot of lawyers fees and at times horror stories a spouse being set-up on a false legal charges. Now custody, which ties directly into support actually has a lot of wiggle room. Thats where good lawyers shine. They get results quickly and while somewhat costly cheap in the long run.

 

How, not by bribing a judge but giving you clear guidelines on what you must change in your life to achieve the goal and how to document it. Remember documentation always beats oral testimony.

[Jersey born raised]

I suggest you bing/yahoo/google your state and divorce laws. This is from the state of PA on custody.

 

Section 5328 - Title 23 - DOMESTIC RELATIONS.

 

Read carefully you will find many areas she wins, right now, and your screwed. Two week-ends a month and one 6-7:30 or 8:30 one night or every week. A good law says "you want 50/50 this is what you need to change and do and how to document which includes a plan for the court what changes, why, and how you intend to implement them on day one of filing.

[JS84]

Thank you. It seems so strange to me that I what to know everything she is thinking about our situation and here I've put my thoughts and feelings out for the world to see and the one person I thought would need to see it most doesn't even want to look. I suppose it's too early and she is still in damage control mode but I feel we are going to end up divorced because she won't give me the one thing I need from her...total honesty.

 

Oh believe me I know you'd love to know what she's thinking. Not to mention why she did this to begin with. I can tell you that you'll never be able to read her mind. That the best way you can judge her train of thought at this point is through her actions. Not her words and tears.

 

What she thinks about your situation wouldn't make you feel any better, and I doubt it would give you much direction in terms of what choice to make.

 

However, you're only about a week out from D-day? It's still really early to be making any big decisions at this point.

 

I will tell you actions and consequences are the best bet you have at saving your marriage or if you can't do that getting you on a healthy path to moving on from your marriage. Doing the 180 (google it if you aren't sure what it is), exposure to friends/family, and serving a cheating spouse with divorce papers ASAP imho in more cases than not is usually enough to snap a WS out of the fog. Might not make them come running back, but when the consequences of their actions like losing their marriage and family starts to look more real (especially when they don't have time to emotionally, financially, and physically prepare for it) they start taking the BS and what they stand to lose more seriously. And you can always call a divorce off.

Edited May 26, 2017 by JS84

[BetrayedDad]

I just got my kids on the school bus...hugged them each a little longer than usual and now I'm getting ready to head out to meet with a divorce attorney. FML. I'm so torn.

[mikeylo]

Why waste your good years on someone so low? The problem is investment. In time, money , kids. You can earn money again. Kids will grow but your time will never come back. The time you can spend with a decent partner is worth a million dollar.

[Furious]

I just got my kids on the school bus...hugged them each a little longer than usual and now I'm getting ready to head out to meet with a divorce attorney. FML. I'm so torn.

 

Of course you feel torn, as of one week ago you thought you had a marriage.

 

You're not divorcing your children, you will always be their Dad. Your wife cheated on you for 3 years and your marriage ended then except you didn't know it. You're only going to make it official.

 

The wired irony is that so many WS's deeps down have no respect for a spouse who is a doormat. The thing with cheaters is that the affair inflates their ego, and their ego cannot handle rejection.

 

Be prepared that your wife will find your strength sexy but it will also bring out her anger that you're not a grovelling doormat, it's a strange paradox.

[Trtroles]

I am sorry for your pain.

 

This is not your fault. She cheated because she wanted it. She was in gym with this guy,making new memories,going on dates,bad mothing you, while you were taking care of your kids and making money. No respect for you at all.

 

She is lying to you. Her Affair never stoped. She did things with him that she refused to do with you.

 

Three fck. years. I feel your pain. Was in the same situation.

 

Run and dont look back.

[BetrayedDad]

Don't have sex with her. In some states relations after you find out means you can't use adultery as a basis for divorce. If you haven't already, put her out of your bed.

So sorry you find yourself here.

 

The attorney told me this today. I suppose it makes sense, but I was surprised to hear it.

Edited May 26, 2017 by BetrayedDad

[whichwayisup]

The attorney told me this today. I suppose it makes sense, but I was surprised to hear it.

 

File and just see how things go. No expectations...

 

I'm a believer on second chances, especially marriages that have little ones involved. Every person deserves a chance to make it right as long as they are really remorseful, own everything, be an open book and are willing to anything and everything necessary to make the marriage work again and regain trust. I'm not sure if your wife fits that description... In time maybe she will which is why right now filing is the best thing for you.

 

It might wake her up once she realizes what she's going to lose.

 

Does her family know? Friends? Your family?

 

I'm sorry for your pain.

[Marc878]

File and just see how things go. No expectations...

 

I'm a believer on second chances, especially marriages that have little ones involved. Every person deserves a chance to make it right as long as they are really remorseful, own everything, be an open book and are willing to anything and everything necessary to make the marriage work again and regain trust. I'm not sure if your wife fits that description... In time maybe she will which is why right now filing is the best thing for you.

 

It might wake her up once she realizes what she's going to lose.

 

Does her family know? Friends? Your family?

 

I'm sorry for your pain.

 

The problem is after a LTA of 3 years you just become a plan B. A lot of people stay together but it's meaningless. What's the point?

[whichwayisup]

The problem is after a LTA of 3 years you just become a plan B. A lot of people stay together but it's meaningless. What's the point?

 

Years of building a life together, having a history, having entwined families and friends, and of course kids in the mix too.

 

Obviously if she isn't remorseful and still has her head in the clouds, isn't remorseful or trying to fix herself and reconnect then they should divorce. I'm just saying that if two people want to make it work and they put in 100 percent on both sides a marriage can be saved. If they feel it's worth salvaging, why not go for it?

[HereNorThere]

If they feel it's worth salvaging, why not go for it?

 

Because 3 years is enough time to know that she can't be trusted in the future. That's 1,095 days that she woke up next to him, looked him directly in the eyes and lied to him, exposed him to a stranger's sexual fluids, and plotted to deceive him and their children.

 

Some things are forgivable. Sometimes people make bad decisions. After three years, this isn't something she did, it's part of WHO she is. If you can't muster up enough remorse to stop hurting your family in 1,095 days, you certainly can't do it in a week, a year, or ever really.

 

The better question is, why be someone's plan B when you can be someone's plan A? Why settle for fake love to provide her security?

[Just a Guy]

Hi Which way, while I share your thoughts on second chances I have to agree with Marc on this one. The level of deception and disrespect that BetrayedDad's wife displayed in having a three year affair is beyond recovery in my opinion. Maybe the Almighty would forgive her( He will forgive her) but for us mortals it would require superhuman compassion to be able to forgive a transgression of this magnitude. Whatever their history and intertwined lives it all gets wiped out by an affair that went on for so long and which required such massive levels if deceit and disrespect for the OP.

 

A short affair or an ONS or an EA may have been forgiveable if the WW was really remorseful. Deep remorse comes to mind here. But this WW was too far gone. Sorry for disagreeing with you but then we can always agree to disagree. Warm wishes.

[Mrs. John Adams]

As a Fww...I know how hard it has been to heal from a one time sexual encounter...I cannot imagine how anyone heals from a Long term affair.

 

when people tell their stories of being able to overcome....it amazes me

 

there are so many more things to overcome....things to forgive....

 

I am not saying it cannot be done...i am saying I know my husband...would have divorced and not even tried

[MidnightBlue1980]

I'm sorry for what you are going through Betrayed Dad. I will give you a different perspective from a woman who successfully reconciled after her affair. Mine was only 5 months, so I imagine 3 years would be so much more intense, but your wife is going through massive amounts of withdrawal, pain, shame, self loathing and probably thoughts of suicide. If you look at the OW/OM board, it's quite common, especially since the guy denied anything happened with your wife, which was the same thing that also happened with me (quite common).

 

That said, the guys here are all correct. It is not your problem to bear or to fix. You do have every right to divorce and given her state, she probably will not fight you as she is deep in the affair fog and cannot even begin to understand what she has done with her life. So don't expect much from her at this point. She is not capable of empathy or sympathy, she is completely shedding tears for herself. I'm just speaking matter of fact. That is just the way it is. And again, you do not have to stick around for it all.

 

If you want to fight for your marriage, it will take a long, long time. First, she will need a lot of time to get out of the affair fog. This takes 6-12 months with no contact, an indefinite amount of time if she sees him as she will be unable to let go and move on. Once she is free of the longing and "love" feelings, she will need to deal with the shame and regret about what she did to her life. Her actual feelings for you and what she did to you, will come around that point, maybe 1-2 years from now. It depends on the situation and the individual. It is hard for me to speculate how long it would take to recover from a 3-4 year affair. I would imagine one would be very attached.

 

It's been about 18 months for me now, and that was a 5 month affair. My husband fought for our marriage and helped me through the pain, as you seem to be doing. I wouldn't have blamed him for leaving though honestly. So I guess it is your choice if you feel she is worth the fight or not.

[HereNorThere]

Tread very carefully if you decide to go down the rabbit hole in the OM/OW forum. You can't "unsee" that stuff, man. No matter how many showers you take after that, it doesn't wash off. That part of the site will steal your soul. I wouldn't recommend it. You're better off watching people crush kittens.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Tread very carefully if you decide to go down the rabbit hole in the OM/OW forum. You can't "unsee" that stuff, man. No matter how many showers you take after that, it doesn't wash off. That part of the site will steal your soul. I wouldn't recommend it. You're better off watching people crush kittens.

 

I disagree. It can help you understand the opposite perspective. Most of the people over there won't come here because they cannot bear to read the posts. Many there live in a world of constant suffering and pain which they alone have the ability to leave, but they just can't because they have handed their power over to another man or woman who they believe is being held captive by a spouse.

 

After reading here by the 100th guy how a guy only is interested in a married woman for sex and has no respect for her, it sinks in. It's been very beneficial for me.

 

As for OP, I think reading the OW/OW forum would give him an insight into the warped thinking that goes on in a woman's mind during an A. I simply don't think most of the guys here can relate. Either they never had an A or if they did, it was just for sex. Only women seem to fall in love. It is a mental illness, I am telling you, and it takes years to get out of it.

 

I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

[HereNorThere]

I disagree. It can help you understand the opposite perspective. Most of the people over there won't come here because they cannot bear to read the posts. Many there live in a world of constant suffering and pain which they alone have the ability to leave, but they just can't because they have handed their power over to another man or woman who they believe is being held captive by a spouse.

 

After reading here by the 100th guy how a guy only is interested in a married woman for sex and has no respect for her, it sinks in. It's been very beneficial for me.

 

As for OP, I think reading the OW/OW forum would give him an insight into the warped thinking that goes on in a woman's mind during an A. I simply don't think most of the guys here can relate. Either they never had an A or if they did, it was just for sex. Only women seem to fall in love. It is a mental illness, I am telling you, and it takes years to get out of it.

 

I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

 

Oh how I wish I had the sense to follow my advice.

 

After reading the 1000th woman or man completely absolve themselves of guilt after they plotted on someone's family and knowingly hurt pregnant women, faithful husbands and children you mean. In nearly every thread I've read on there, the OW/OM knew they were messing with someone already married and somehow has the nerve to consider themselves to be a victim. Those posters aren't victims, they're predators. It's sickening and will make lose you faith in humanity.

 

The only upside to reading there is snapping your own self out of the illusion that that those women and men somehow deserve anyone's sympathy.

 

Don't do it, OP. Unless you like googling gore, murder or crime scene photos. Unless your idea of a good time is watching those planes hit the the twin towers on repeat while you punch babies, you will regret it. There's no going back. It will change you.

Edited May 27, 2017 by HereNorThere

[sandylee1]

Thank you all for your comments. I'm so glad that I started this thread because it is really helping me see things from an outside perspective.

 

I am still going to see an attorney this Friday. ....

 

I can't stop asking myself why I wasn't good enough. What did I do that was so bad to push her to cheat and continue for 3 years? I know there is no excuse for her cheating, but it's hard not to look in the mirror and ask why.

 

It's nothing to do with you not being good enough. It's about her need for validation from an OM PERSPECTIVE and her insecurity and low morals.

 

There's a good chance she's actually jealous of you and your achievements.

 

Her crying is a way to get sympathy from you and make you stay.

 

The bad things about it are...

 

The length of the affair

The denials, yet continuing the affair

The desire to immediately divorce

The sulking about only her facing consequences

 

His marriage isn't her business, but by saying that, she wants you to feel guilty that you aren't forgiving and not divorcing like the way you OPS.

 

She can go to IC to figure out why she did this, because it's really on her.

 

Whilst I am one who recognises the impact divorce can have on children, I also know that staying for them, after a long term A, when there is resentment, isn't healthy.

 

She was able to lie to you over and over again. It didn't push her to think it wasn't worth it or cross her mind to stop because of any kind of loyalty to you.

 

I suggest she starts looking for a job, because there's no worse financial liability than a cheating SAHM.