17yrs down the drain - wife's 3yr LTA

[Krtk]

Thank you all for your comments. After reading them, I realize that my situation has not fully sunk in for me yet. I think I'm still in disbelief and this thread is helping me start to process what I'm going through. The comment about feeling like I have lost a loved one really hit home. At times, I hug my wife like I'll never be able to hug her again, I don't want to let her go. My reality is slowly sinking in.

 

I do appreciate your unfiltered comments as well. Receiving sincere, open, and honest feedback is refreshing...even if it's not what I want to hear. I know my self-esteem is in the toilet...I guess 4 years of lies and deceit from the one I trusted most can do that to you. After the steps I've taken so far (notifying her AP's spouse, making an appointment to see an attorney, and starting this thread), I do feel it slowing coming back.

 

Regarding the possibility of the affair still going on, I have no idea when she really ended the affair, but I believe that it's not currently going on. Without going into details, I'll just say that the police helped establish our informal no contact agreement between our families.

 

They do not work together. She was a SAHM for 9 years and they developed a relationship over time while riding and running together in our local sport groups.

 

Her AP's wife told me that when she confronted him, he said it never happened. This really upset my wife. She feels that she is now the only one being punished and he is going to get away with it, like if two people committed a crime but only one of them went to jail for it.

 

She feels terrible and ashamed for what she has done. I feel like it takes a lot of compassion to try to comfort her at one of the lowest points in her life given the fact that I'm also at the lowest point in my life and it was caused by her repeated deliberate actions over a long period of time. She said it was a mistake,. I'm trying not to pour salt on her wounds, but I told her it was way more than "a mistake".

 

I feel like a guy that just got stabbed in the heart, who is now trying to comfort the one holding the knife.

 

Sometimes I question if she has any true empathy for me or if her tears are for herself because of how her actions will impact her home, her family, and her social life.

 

As far as our kids, I may not have made it clear in my initial post but they are, without question, my top priority. I love my kids more than anything and can't imagine not seeing them every day, not having breakfast with them, making their lunches, getting them on the bus, making faces at them as the bus takes them to school, etc, etc. I want to do what's best for them. Does that mean forgive and stay together for them. I'm struggling with this. My wife and I do not fight, scream, or any of that. We have tried to keep this situation hidden from our kids and, so far, they have not asked any questions or acted any differently. Of course, we occasionally argue over things, but not in front of our kids. So, on the surface, we are still one big happy family.

 

Your kids should be the first priority no doubt in that but remember you should also have to live a life and it should be truthful and somewhat meaningfull but not filed with lies and deceiving as of now you are unsure of things between you and your wife.

But with what you posted I could sense your wife understand you more than you understand her. She was in the mindset you would never caught her even if you caught her you would forgive her. And she stated her affair as a mistake how could you accept that What you do ones is mostly consider as a mistake, no one continues to do same mistake for 3 years. What she made was a choice to cheat on you, to lie to you at your face

I don't think she would have any strong reason for cheating just used you love and lite mentality as a shield to protect herself and did you ask why she did that other then I'm unhappy so had bad sex for 3 years.

And also you somewhat sounds protecting her come on man stand up for yourself she's unhappy because OM went charge free so she's upset and you finding ways to comfort her, I don't understand if you think of reconciliation please make sure she earned it otherwise I don't see any hope in your relationship.

[Nirbhao.Nirvair]

She feels terrible and ashamed for what she has done.

 

 

How do you know that? Because she told you so? She feels ashamed, alright. But if she was feeling terrible, she would have committed to reconciliation right after D-day. A remorseful WS is someone who tries to make amends for their sins and not someone who waits till there is a threat of divorce. Do the 180. Detach yourself from her. Then see how things pan out, before actually divorcing.

[aliveagain]

Of the tens of thousands of men just on this site I wound wager at least a thousand of us could have written your very words. No mistake was made here friend, what you have discovered is a well planned out collaboration by two married people against their spouses. They made the conscious decision together with a full understanding of what they were doing to their families and what they were risking. It takes a lot of planning in order to deceive so many people, they have to plan together against you so what was once a husband and wife dynamic now becomes a wife and affair partner. The husband is deceived into believing that he still holds the only position in her life but in reality he is in the way of her happiness but doesn't know it.

 

They have been preparing for a potential discovery for the past 3 or 4 years. Her POS boyfriend didn't keep his end of the bargain because he probably figured out what the infidelity will cost him and how much of a lifestyle change he will have to make. She just discovered that he was just in it for sh*ts and giggles and you are her best bet for keeping a roof over her head. She wasn't thinking about you or your children when they met up for sex so adjust your thinking, there is nothing special about your wife. She is behaving just like every other cheating adulterous unremorseful wife we have seen get busted on this site. We can probably predict her very next move. You need to distance yourself from her so you have clarity because you need to make decisions that are best for you and your children. When she chose her behaviour she also chose the consequences that went with that behaviour. Get the best lawyer you can afford, she brought a predator into your life, you need to see just how much damage she has caused and if she is worth the work required to fix this. Nothing will ever be the same, you now know the real her.

[BetrayedDad]

Lots of good advice so far...

 

I am just going to consolidate some facts for you.

 

1) She is lying in general. She is absolutely lying about the sex. It was at least decent or she would not have stayed in the A for over three years. You can count on the fact the they did things that you and your wife don't. Total disrespect in every way.

 

2) She wanted a divorce initially because OM said that he would divorce his wife so they could be together. When you notified his wife he dropped her like a bad habit. She was preparing to leave you high and dry and you would have been standing there with your junk in your hand wondering why.

 

3) She was in love with him, for or not. She was into him and not into you in any way. She made up reasons to be unhappy so she could screw around.

 

4) The only reason that she "does not want a divorce now", is that OM dumped her. She want your money and the kids and the house, not really you. You are second place at least.

 

5) OM actually got to have more quality time and more sex than you did while you were taking care of the house and the kids.

 

6) Almost everything that she has told you is a lie, and I am betting that the affair is ongoing.

 

So, those are the basics. But a 3 year affair, I am not sure many people have come back from that.

 

I really think divorce is about the only choice here. And don't worry about her tears, She is crying for her AP, not what she did to you...

 

I've been reading this forum for longer than I want to admit and am glad you responded to my post. There are many many good members here and I greatly appreciate everyone's responses but I've noticed that good or bad, you always just tell it like you see it and more often than not, you are spot on. I love your approach. Good or bad, just give it to me straight. Thanks again for your post.

[understand50]

BetrayedDad,

 

Divorce. Do you think about divorcing? You know you should be divorcing. What about Divorce? BetrayedDad, if you want some advise about reconciliation, you will need to a little filtering. While divorce is always on the table, you need to back off and let her know if you are giving her a second chance or not. She needs to then let you know she is all in as well. Only by both of being committed to reconillation, can you get ahead.

 

Keep in mind that both of you do not know how to do this. You both were never trained, who is?, so you must allow both of you to find the way to reconciliation. It will take time, but things can and do get better. The first thing is to read the top post on this page. "Things that every wayward spouse needs to know"

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/365269-things-every-wayward-spouse-needs-know

 

Both of you read it. Discuss it. It gives a good base line to how she should act. It can be the beginning of understanding.

 

The second link is "How to help your spouse heal from your affair - Linda MacDonald" You can google it and there is a free PDF. Again read it, have her read it, and then discuss.

 

There are two threads that I think are good to go over. One is for you, the betrayed Spouse. "There are responsibilities for a BS in reconciliation"

 

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/576217-there-responsibilities-bs-reconciliation

 

There are things you need to do. This is not a one sided thing, you have work as well. The last thread, is about remorse. We talk about it a lot, but what is it. Turns out is is a personal thing, and each has his own take. You can read many different takes, and help your wife understand just what it means. "Guilt vs remorse vs shame as it relates to affairs "

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/609550-guilt-vs-remorse-vs-shame-relates-affairs

 

I think this can give you a good start on reconciliation, and some idea on how to do it. Remember that each couple is unique, and you both will have to try and find you own way. In the end, you may divorce, but at least you knew you tried.

 

I wish you luck.....

[BetrayedDad]

I'm very sorry for what you're going through. It's hell! You got great advice here, I'll add just my small tip...

 

When considering reconciliation, I look for solid signs. And the signs appears

according to what you told us, is quiet disturbing. Many cheaters are able to continue their affair by repressing their guilt and intentionally "forgetting" the pain they might cause to their spouses. They manage to avoid thinking about it.

 

But after D-day, when they see their spouse is so hurt and in so much pain, many of them feel bad, regret everything, and try to do many things to reduce the pain of their spouses. This is a positive sign, that the cheater really cares about his\her spouse.

 

But all your wife did, is thinking only about herself. In the beginning she was talking about divorce. not for you, but to avoid conflict and guilt on her side. Now she's trying to make up reasons and rewrite history. Although she knows that now honesty is the best thing she can give you, she is still lying to you with some of the facts. Now she wants to avoid the divorce, but again - only what is good for her, her feelings, her future... She hasn't made one major action just to help you. She is in damage control mode.

 

So while considering to stay, remember who you're staying with... Not only her affair, but who is she now, the wife who will sacrifice you in a second if it suites her, even only momentarily

 

Your post resonates with me. I think I needed to just hear it from someone else. After the moment of D-Day, she has cried and apologized, but I can't help but feel that everything she has done has been to make herself feel better. You are right that she has not done one single thing to help me that I didn't first ask for.

[BetrayedDad]

Of the tens of thousands of men just on this site I wound wager at least a thousand of us could have written your very words. No mistake was made here friend, what you have discovered is a well planned out collaboration by two married people against their spouses. They made the conscious decision together with a full understanding of what they were doing to their families and what they were risking. It takes a lot of planning in order to deceive so many people, they have to plan together against you so what was once a husband and wife dynamic now becomes a wife and affair partner. The husband is deceived into believing that he still holds the only position in her life but in reality he is in the way of her happiness but doesn't know it.

 

They have been preparing for a potential discovery for the past 3 or 4 years. Her POS boyfriend didn't keep his end of the bargain because he probably figured out what the infidelity will cost him and how much of a lifestyle change he will have to make. She just discovered that he was just in it for sh*ts and giggles and you are her best bet for keeping a roof over her head. She wasn't thinking about you or your children when they met up for sex so adjust your thinking, there is nothing special about your wife. She is behaving just like every other cheating adulterous unremorseful wife we have seen get busted on this site. We can probably predict her very next move. You need to distance yourself from her so you have clarity because you need to make decisions that are best for you and your children. When she chose her behaviour she also chose the consequences that went with that behaviour. Get the best lawyer you can afford, she brought a predator into your life, you need to see just how much damage she has caused and if she is worth the work required to fix this. Nothing will ever be the same, you now know the real her.

 

Thank you for your post. Your words are sinking in. It's so hard when you find out the one you trusted the most in life, the one you shared your most intimate moments with for half of your life and the majority of your adult life, is capable of something as hurtful and deceitful as this.

[Silveron]

IMO you need to take a step back. I would highly encourage counseling for both of you. Expect roller coaster of emotions, not just day to day but perhaps hour by hour.

Now that being said, there is something deeper than just the affair. What really needs to be dealt with, whether you stay with her or not (btw, no one on here should be telling you what to do in that aspect), you need to get to the root of the issue.

Look at it as a garden, you see this weed pop-up. If you just cut it, the weed will continue to grow. If you take it out by the root (root of the issue) then that weed is gone for good. How do you do this? Counseling. First for yourself, so that you don't let this affect your own-self worth. Her cheating was NOT about you. As the months go on with the right counselor, she will realize what is going on in her head and why she has done this.

This doesn't excuse her for what she's done, but it gives you some explatination on why and allows you some security that it won't happen again. However, if you two don't get counseling and just try to battle it out at home, that weed is going to sprout again.

I would also highly advise looking up the seven signs of grief. It's for people who lost a loved one, in which emotionally you have. In the long run, it'll be upto you whether you want to invest in finding her again. There is no timetable to make this decision.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Betrayed Dad, sorry to find you here. Well your wife has delivered a death blow to your marriage. From the way you have written about your kids and how you want them in your life everyday and give them breakfast, see them off to school and so on it is obvious that you are leaning towards reconciling with your wife. Your act of consoling her and feeling compassion for her further strengthens this belief. This may be the biggest disservice that you do to yourself. Your wife is not who you thought she was. She is an alien in the body of the woman you married so many years ago. Whatever regret she is feeling is because a) she got caught out and b) Her AP ditched her like a hot potato and it is all for herself. There is no regret spared for you. You are just so much collateral damage inevitable to her wonderful affair.

 

As BryanP is won't to say "If you do not respect yourself who else will"? Self respect is the essence of a human being. It is what colours you into being the person you are. Your wife has disrespected you grossly and now you are going to disrespect yourself by showing her compassion and wanting to reconcile with her. You may as well emasculate yourself and throw away any pretense you have toward having a personality. If you follow the path that you probably are contemplating your wife will lose all respect for you and trample you underfoot like the doormat you will have become. If you want her to respect you and possibly see what she stands to lose once you divorce her then hold fast to your self respect. This means that you should initiate divorce proceedings and have her served. If, after divorce you think that she has learned her lesson and actually wants to be with you by reaching out to you and showing you by her actions that she loves you and is prepared to go to the ends of the earth to get you back, then and only then should you relent and start dating her again. If she dies not put in this level of hard work then you would have done yourself a bid favour by getting rid of her. She would just not be worth it. In the mean time you would move on and find yourself a woman who would love you for yourself. Please be careful as you move forward and do not let her get the impression that all is forgiven and that she can go back to her comfortable life with you and the family as if nothing had happened. Do not be "Mr. Nice Guy" as others will explain to you. Have a good life. You deserve it! Warm wishes.

[aliveagain]

Your post resonates with me. I think I needed to just hear it from someone else. After the moment of D-Day, she has cried and apologized, but I can't help but feel that everything she has done has been to make herself feel better. You are right that she has not done one single thing to help me that I didn't first ask for.

 

You don't have to ask a truly remorseful spouse to do things, they take the initiative to make themselves a safe partner, they put your healing before theirs and help you with your pain. Everything I see from your wife is about self preservation. How many of her friends knew about her affair and helped cover for her? They need to go too, they are not friends of the marriage. She will ether accept the real image of who she really is and get the professional help she needs or will blame shift and flee because she can't commit to the hard work required to repair the damages she has caused. The way I read your post, she is sorry she got caught and I don't see remorse.

[BetrayedDad]

Why do so many people eagerly reach out to punish the children, who did not betray you in any way?

 

I would love to hear your opinion in more detail...good or bad. The last thing I want to do is "punish" my kids. Quite honestly, they are the biggest reason I am even here. If it were just me and my wife, the next course of action would be much easier to make...for both of us.

[BetrayedDad]

IMO you need to take a step back. I would highly encourage counseling for both of you. Expect roller coaster of emotions, not just day to day but perhaps hour by hour.

Now that being said, there is something deeper than just the affair. What really needs to be dealt with, whether you stay with her or not (btw, no one on here should be telling you what to do in that aspect), you need to get to the root of the issue.

Look at it as a garden, you see this weed pop-up. If you just cut it, the weed will continue to grow. If you take it out by the root (root of the issue) then that weed is gone for good. How do you do this? Counseling. First for yourself, so that you don't let this affect your own-self worth. Her cheating was NOT about you. As the months go on with the right counselor, she will realize what is going on in her head and why she has done this.

This doesn't excuse her for what she's done, but it gives you some explatination on why and allows you some security that it won't happen again. However, if you two don't get counseling and just try to battle it out at home, that weed is going to sprout again.

I would also highly advise looking up the seven signs of grief. It's for people who lost a loved one, in which emotionally you have. In the long run, it'll be upto you whether you want to invest in finding her again. There is no timetable to make this decision.

 

Thank you for you your post. She wants to go to marriage counseling to try to figure out why she did this. I don't know if MC would accomplish that or if she really needs IC. I'm assuming MC and IC would be best for both of us. I feel like I need to do everything I can to keep our family together for our kids, but God is really challenging me with this one. I keep reminding myself that I vowed "for better or worse" but this one cuts deep.

[Just a Guy]

Hi BD, 'Worse' does NOT include infidelity. Sickness, poverty, an addiction to alcohol or drugs would qualify but not infidelity. Infidelity is getting stabbed in your back by someone you trusted with your life! Infidelity is the death of your marriage as you knew it. Infidelity is recognized even by the Roman Catholic church as grounds for an annulment. Do not fool yourself by convoluted logic. Wish you the best.

[Just a Guy]

Hi BD, 'Worse' does NOT include infidelity. Sickness, poverty, an addiction to alcohol or drugs would qualify but not infidelity. Infidelity is getting stabbed in your back by someone you trusted with your life! Infidelity is the death of your marriage as you knew it. Infidelity is recognized even by the Roman Catholic church as grounds for an annulment. Do not fool yourself by convoluted logic. Wish you the best.

[GoldenR]

Why do so many people eagerly reach out to punish the children, who did not betray you in any way?

 

What (or who) exactly are you referring to?

[GoldenR]

I keep reminding myself that I vowed "for better or worse"

 

So did she, but she chose to give you worse for 3+ years, but just not tell you.

 

Destroying the vows is on her, not you.

[aliveagain]

Thank you for you your post. She wants to go to marriage counseling to try to figure out why she did this. I don't know if MC would accomplish that or if she really needs IC. I'm assuming MC and IC would be best for both of us. I feel like I need to do everything I can to keep our family together for our kids, but God is really challenging me with this one. I keep reminding myself that I vowed "for better or worse" but this one cuts deep.

 

Marriage counselling is a waste of your money at this time. She needs independent counselling to find out why she gave herself the approval to betray you and your children. She could have stopped herself a thousand times but chose not to. She left the marriage years ago, expecting her to be all in at this time is not realistic. She lied about the sex or she lied about her true feelings for her other man, most women need to feel a connection with someone before they get sexually involved with them(most but not all). Infidelity is the highest form of disrespect one spouse can show another. If she brought him into your home you need to start the process of getting rid of furniture that she can replace with her own money. She needs to get a job.

[BluesPower]

The first thing you need to stop doing is... STOP COMFORTING HER. SCREW HER, SHE NEEDS TO BE COMFORTING YOU NON STOP.

 

You need to stop carrying the heavy water on this.

 

You need to step back and get your head together. First off, she is not crying for you at all, and you need to realize that right now.

 

She is crying for herself, her lover, her loss of status with everyone that you tell and maybe the loss of support if you decide to divorce her.

 

And look, have you screwed her since you found out, I hope to hell not.

 

And here is the deal, 3 years man. 3 years!!! That is just a really long time and she was a SAHM??? So you were supporting her affair on top of everything else and you did not even get to watch??? Think about that for a while.

 

Further, stay away from MC for right now. Almost all of them try to work on the issues of the marriage first and most of them shy away from dealing with the affair. Most of them don't know how to deal with infidelity at all.

 

And, any counselor that she goes to, you need to go to the first appt. and tell the IC that you want you wife to figure out what her issues are that cause her to be able to do this. And this IC needs to understand about infidelity and have experience with.

 

I would say more but I have to make love to my girl friend right now...

[Cephalopod]

Thank you for you your post. She wants to go to marriage counseling to try to figure out why she did this. I don't know if MC would accomplish that or if she really needs IC. I'm assuming MC and IC would be best for both of us. I feel like I need to do everything I can to keep our family together for our kids, but God is really challenging me with this one. I keep reminding myself that I vowed "for better or worse" but this one cuts deep.

 

She needs to give you more than this.

 

 

I would demand the following from her, each requirement non-negotiable and refusal of just one will result in you filing for D.

 

 

1) No contact letter to OM;

2) Written detailed timeline of her affair, beginning to end;

3) Printout of all her media and computer passwords;

4) Unfettered access to her phone, computer and all media 24/7;

5) A polygraph;

6) She signs a post-nuptial agreement restricting her only to child support and her half of the value of your combined assets if you divorce. No spousal maintenance or alimony. She doesn't get your retirement. You get joint custody of the children;

7) She attends IC once a week with a pro-marriage counselor that you approve of.

 

 

That would be a start. Again, these should be non-negotiable.

[notbroken]

So I was in a similar place to you years ago though the affair was much shorter. I stayed with my wife 'for the kids'. We divorced a dozen years later after the kids had left. I can tell you that was by far the most miserable time of my life (after DD and we stayed together). It was NOT better for the kids. 2 happy homes are way better than 1 unhappy one. You and your wife are NOT that good at acting and you will hold resentments that will affect your kids greatly. You will never forget what she did. You will likely never truly forgive her. She will justify what she has done to herself and others and make you the bad guy. After telling herself 10,000 times she did it because you are bad she will believe it herself (she already does). You WILL likely be divorced over this, the only question is when - and you should be.

 

I know I wish I would have divorced the day I discovered she was a cheater. It was not worth it for anyone - including the kids.

 

She betrayed you. Not once, not twice, but for 3 years. I'm sorry, but there is nothing to save here other than her lifestyle and paycheck. If you chose reconciliation it will affect you in ways you can't yet imagine. Your self esteem will take a hit you may never recover from. The resentment you both carry will affect both you and your children. It is painful, but divorce her. If not over this, what would be a good enough reason?

[NotCamelot]

First, I am very sorry that you ended up with a need to come here. But, this is a good place with a lot of good, but harmed, people.

You will get a lot of advice here; some good and some bad. Use what works for your unique situation. The outlines of all our stories may be similar, but the internal dynamics vary greatly.

 

 

Second, be aware of this: reconciliation takes 2 - 5 years normally. And there is no fast track. ( I hit 5 years a week ago today. ) It does take a long time to get to an OK or good place. You have a long road ahead of you and she must do most of, if not all of, the heavy lifting.

 

 

Regardless of what she may have been feeling, there is never any excuse to cheat. NEVER. She made a decision to do things that she vowed to never do.

 

 

There are things that are going to take a long time for you to "get over". Though I really don't like that phrase. I don't know that I will ever "get over" being cheated on, but I've come to compartmentalize it into an area of memory that becomes ancient history. However, it will always be there. It won't go away.

 

 

Anger, sorrow, pity, self doubt, fury, and others are all part of the emotional roller-coaster that you are riding. Crying everyday? Yep, been there. I believe it is good for us an emotional release. Don't hold it back. Just know that there are better days ahead - though they are in the distant future - regardless of your reconcile/divorce decision.

 

 

Do NOT take any blame for her actions. If there are changes you need to make for the marriage to be better for her, and it is something justifiable, then you should certainly do so. But, she is the one who did not try to fix this marriage.

 

 

Counseling, both individual and alone is a great thing. Most will not make it without the help. Regardless of your decision, do this.

 

 

Finally, children are much more perceptive than most parents think. You can hide very little from them. However, you can still be a rock for them so that they still feel secure, safe, loved and nurtured regardless of the path you take. Do not make lifestyle changes without involving them somehow.

 

 

In the meantime, Rest, Food, Exercise, Friends, Family, and work. Take care of yourself. I did much better when I tried to carry on with life. Wallowing in pity will serve no purpose. Head high. You did nothing wrong.

[Unforseen]

The question of reconciliation or divorce is one only you can answer BetrayedDad and not one you should answer immediately. It isn't a bad idea at all to contact a lawyer and even get the paperwork going while you consider the options. The reality of it is that it may take months for your WW to really start showing you that she is in remorse and that reconciliation is even possible with her.

 

In the meantime get into IC or some other form of serious support for yourself. You will be facing an absolute crap storm of emotions and no one should have to face that alone. Take care of yourself and your kids. They will need their Dad to teach them how to act in the face of such horrible adversity. It will not be easy for you, but do your best to still treat your WW with as much common decency as you can muster. There's no real need at this point to go any farther than polite. Some ideas from the 180 may help you in that while you are working on what you need to do to start recovering. She is also hurting in her own way. Not in the same way or as deeply as you are, but she may be starting to get a sense of what she has done to you, her family, and to herself.

 

SurvivingInfidelity.com - Understanding the 180

 

You are probably correct in that she does not feel any or much empathy for you at this point. She is likely overwhelmed with shame and grief for being abandoned by her AP, fear of what she is losing from you, loss of control of her situation, insecurity as she starts to realize you may decide to move on without her, and maybe a little bit that she has hurt you in ways beyond measure. She is very wrapped up in her own misery and hasnt had the chance to see yet what she has done to you. It will take time for her to truly see that if she ever will.

 

She will be very lost and confused right now and unsure how to proceed or what to do. Print off the following thread and let her process all that is involved there.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/365269-things-every-wayward-spouse-needs-know

 

It will be a good start for her to help her see what needs to happen on her end to even allow a chance at reconciling.

 

I wish you the best, sir.

[usa1ah]

Read "No More Mr Nice Guy" before you do anything else.

 

STOP Comforting and being the emotional support for her. She lost that right the moment she started sleeping with the OM.

 

Your marriage is basically null and void with her betrayal. Start from this position and go from there.

 

Your wife is not looking to fix or help you because you are hovering over her. Poor little thing got her blank caught in the cookie jar. See the lawyer and file, have her served. Then go from there. The process can always be halted. It will show her true colors if you do this.

[Friskyone4u]

BD,

 

Your wife has been having sex with another man for three years and if any of the experts are correct, and especially if she is saying the sex was not the greatest in world, then she is more than a little deeply emotionally attached to him. And she is sorry as hell, they all are once they get caught and their bubble fantasy world bursts.

 

But if you read the literature out there, chances of successful reconciliation are much lower when a woman cheats for the reason I just told you. Emotionally checked out of marriage and attached to OM.

 

Now each person has a different tolerance for pain, but OK youve told the OBS but its obvious or you would not be here that your wife is not in the slightest remorseful and if she had not gotten dumped she would most likely telling you wither she wants an open marriage of she would still be hiding it from you.

 

Now she should be slobbering all over the floor begging you for a chance and what has she done to insure no contact with OM. be accountable for her whereabouts, or dropped any girlfriends who encouraged or covered her during this long term betrayal.

 

And until she believes that you might actually divorce her, she has no reason to change her behavior.

 

And after an affair this long, if you do not tell her sometime in the future she will be strapped into a polygraph machine and be asked four or five simple yes or no questions that she better answer correctly, you are making a big mistake.

 

And lastly, it appears you are about to do the worst thing possible and that is to run tight into a therapist before you are even sure by actions not words that you can verify they are still not in contact. You better interview any therapist or you will find out that you may be paying some idiot to tell you to forget the affair and concentrate on the things you did wrong in the marriage. Happens all the time. You are told to "move on".

 

And if you send her to IC without insisting that she signs a waiver allowing her therapist to talk to you about what is being discussed, you are also very likely to find out two things

(1) she is giving the therapist her version of the truth

(2) the therapist actually telling her not to tell you the entire truth

(3) therapist telling her to follow her heart.

You do not do therapy until you have verifiable proof that the affair is not ongoing or underground or you are wasting your money.

[Try]

She wants to go to marriage counseling to try to figure out why she did this.

Cheaters often suggests seeing a marriage counselor (MC) because it accomplishes the following:

 

1) It is a stall tactic that keeps you on the hook, as it gives you something to hang on to as she waits for you to get over it.

 

2) It is usually not in the MC's financial interest to tell you that you should get a divorce. They are paid for conducting the process, not for results. They make money by getting both of you to come back again and again as they bill you. This means that the MC will tell you that there is hope and that you should work on it almost no matter the situation. I predict that the MC will say something to you like "a 3 years affair cannot be addressed in just a few MC sessions", as they line you up to make their car payment for the next few years.

 

3) Rather than tell the cheater that you both are 50%-50% responsible for the condition of the marriage, but that the cheater is 100% responsible for their cheating, the MC will give weight to the cheater's blame shifting by listening to the cheater's reinventing of history as if cheating for any reason is kind of OK. The MC will do this to appear fair, and so that the cheater will want to come again.

 

4) The MC will try to re-establish trust too early, when trust has not been earned by the cheater. They will say something similar to "if you want to rebuild your marriage, you need to trust her again and stop with the anger".

 

These are just a few of the predictable things that usually happens when you see a MC too early after the cheating.

 

I keep reminding myself that I vowed "for better or worse" but this one cuts deep.

Your vows were a verbal contract, and just like in any other contract, if one side breaks their side of the contract, the other side is no longer bound to hold up their end. Watch how fast a landlord breaks the contract to allow you to stay in their property when you stop paying your rent; they will kick you to the curb so fast your head will spin. Edited May 24, 2017 by Try