Trying to understand wife's [past] affair

[ruined_my_love]

I need to chime in here, too.....Thank you to those waywards and former waywards who have spoken up. I am taking your advice, even if I am not posting here about it every day. I usually get onto the forum to see if anything has been added, but don't typically have the time to post replies.

 

 

I want to say that I DO love my husband VERY much and I am doing everything I can think of to show him that. I desperately and with all of my being want to salvage a relationship with him. What I did is so despicable and I am completely ashamed of all of it. He did not deserve this from me or from anyone. I am trying so very hard to tell him and show him that HE is the man I want, I CHOOSE him and I love him. I made the biggest 'mistake' of my life....and I have owned up to it 100% The issue that persists is that he still does not believe me (which I understand) and seems to want me to have had deeper feelings and thought more about what I was doing at the time. And that is just not the case. The item that came out last night was that the AP made me feel 'horny'....more than I had felt that way probably ever. That is why I desired the act of sex with him and not my husband. I know I have said that before, but the "ever in my life" aspect is what TH is hung up on now. And I understand that. I was answering his questions as honestly as I possibly can, and that is the way I said it, whereas before I had just said "AP made me horny."

 

 

I know that what I have done is disgusting and cheap and has hurt my husband and my family more than I could ever have imagined. But I have been and continue to be honest and transparent about what I did and how I felt. I want to help him through this. I love him. I know we can be happy if he can ever allow it. And I know it will take time. I don't want to waste any more time, though. I wasted 18 months of our lives making the wrong choices and for the wrong reasons. And now we are 7 months post DD and these last few weeks have felt even worse than the first few. I love my family and I don't want to hurt them ever again. And I won't. I won't allow it. I don't want to live my life the way I did during the affair. I have changed and continue to grow and change.

[ruined_my_love]

It's not realistic to compete sexually with a fantasy world.

 

Any affair is based on secrecy, fantasy, lies and trickery. This makes the affair very exciting.

 

On the other side (any marriage) you have the daily realistic workings of bills, obligations, laundry, cleaning and family issues...

 

If you think you can fairly compete with that fantasy world you are delusional.

 

Stop trying to understand how it was exciting.

 

You either decide to work on the marriage by asking how you can make it different (IF she's willing to carry most of the load to repair the damage she has caused) or you decide you can't forgive her and end it.

 

 

 

 

Thank you....this is exactly what I have been saying...the excitement, danger, newness are the things that fuel an affair. None of it is based in reality. In reality, my husband can and has given me more real pleasure than the AP ever could. And he knows that. For a long time our sex life suffered because of me - I'd had babies, worked full time, all sorts of excuses for how real life got in the way. I know that it was my fault and I take responsibility for that. I wish I had done something to correct the path I was going to go down well before it ever happened, but I didn't see where I was going until it was too late. The fact is - I love my husband, and he is very satisfying to me. That love makes it all the MORE satisfying.

[Texashunter]

So in essence, hey you could never be as good as the fantasy world that I turned real. You can never give me those feeling for you because you can't be part of my fantasy..only people who are in my fantasy can recieve that treatment and can fulfill those feeling for me. Sorry bud but you too real..go take care of my kids while I turn all my fantasies into reality....I get part of it..but once it's becomes real..your no longer playing a fantasy..it's there..you can touch and feel it..for instance, at the time she thought the sex was good but once everything was out she says it was no where near the way she thought it was. That it wasn't that good..ok..I can try to accept that..but then say he made you feel the horniest ever in you life..was that then or now? And if now looking back at it and it's true then where was the fantasy? Because your telling someone now that's the reality of it. This telling me that sorry..you just don't make me feel that way but since I've gotten caught I want you..how does one sort through the lies and truths..which was real and which was fantasy..tell someone that at first he just made her horny but now he made her horniest then she's ever felt before in her life..which one was the fantasy and which one is now the truth..either way it's taken why would you wait months after to explain it that was and then try to say at the same time that's not what you meant? This just makes me confused with her explanations..

Edited June 8, 2017 by Texashunter

[S2B]

Have you considered she may want you mainly so she keeps her lifestyle she's accustomed to?

[Texashunter]

Have you considered she may want you mainly so she keeps her lifestyle she's accustomed to?

 

Very much so..to be honest..I believe that's the only real reason when you look at everything..I've even told her that and she doesn't like that statement...even after the dumped her she did nothing to help our relationship..was the same ole person..hateful

These are the reason why I stay in a constant state of confusion when it comes to her..say one thing but does another..her tactic is much like leave your enemy in confusion till they submit..

Edited June 8, 2017 by Texashunter
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[BluesPower]

So in essence, hey you could never be as good as the fantasy world that I turned real. You can never give me those feeling for you because you can't be part of my fantasy..only people who are in my fantasy can recieve that treatment and can fulfill those feeling for me. Sorry bud but you too real..go take care of my kids while I turn all my fantasies into reality....I get part of it..but once it's becomes real..your no longer playing a fantasy..it's there..you can touch and feel it..for instance, at the time she thought the sex was good but once everything was out she says it was no where near the way she thought it was. That it wasn't that good..ok..I can try to accept that..but then say he made you feel the horniest ever in you life..was that then or now? And if now looking back at it and it's true then where was the fantasy? Because your telling someone now that's the reality of it. This telling me that sorry..you just don't make me feel that way but since I've gotten caught I want you..how does one sort through the lies and truths..which was real and which was fantasy..tell someone that at first he just made her horny but now he made her horniest then she's ever felt before in her life..which one was the fantasy and which one is now the truth..either way it's taken why would you wait months after to explain it that was and then try to say at the same time that's not what you meant? This just makes me confused with her explanations..

 

Ruined, I think the trickle truth is what is going to kill your marriage. You have lied to him again and again. You are still letting all of this stuff out after all of this time. This is one of the reasons the he cannot move on because I will bet that he still has not heard the whole story and every time you add more detail, it sends him back to step one. That is your fault.

 

You were told not to do this from the very beginning and you still did it. Did you think that these people that have already lived through it did not know what they were talking about.

 

I have to say that you seem more like a woman the is afraid of losing her lifestyle and family than your husband.

 

Why, Why, Why did you not believe us to be totally truthful???

[S2B]

Any person who says one thing and does another makes themselves a liar.

 

When actions and words don't match there's a lie in there.

 

 

 

Wanting her lifestyle only means she's using you. She can't use you if you stop allowing that!

[OneLov]

Making people worry about me..never my intent at all..never even started this with the idea that people would give a crap..I just wanted to be able to talk and maybe get some help sorting things out. But what the hell do I know..I must be just some pos attention hound..reality my friend isn't that I need attention..just a voice for once..but my bad..should have keep my damn mouth shut and moved on with my sht life right..asking questions and venting ones life issue should be kept to themselves right. Stop making my problems others because that not what this site is for..again my bad..

 

I'm sorry to all those who wasted their time on my thread and worried about me. Was never my intent to do that to y'all..I need to get my butt back to taking care of my kids and just live with the crap sandwhiches im served And keep eating. I'll just hang my head and trudge on..about only one thing can do right..what does 14 yrs of ones life mean in the grand scheme anyway..just a bunk of the eye and then it's over..I will stop posting..I apologize

 

TH,

 

Respectfully, you need to work on your passive-aggressive communication style. It's not becoming and very ineffective way to communicate. You have a right to disagree and be upset but be assertive about it.

 

For your own sanity, you need to either: a) believe her or b) accept she is incapable of being honest with you. If she is incapable, then you need to call it quits. My advice: separate. You have to try something. Spinning your wheels isn't getting you results. If after a time you miss her--reconcile. If you feel better about your decision--proceed with divorce. And that doesn't mean you will be abandoning your children.

 

Ever heard that saying, "over analysis leads to paralysis?" You're over thinking has got you overwhelmed. If the only reason you're torturing yourself in staying is for the sake of your children, then you're the one locking yourself up in this mental prison. The happiest people are the ones who make decisions--do something!

[mercy]

Very much so..to be honest..I believe that's the only real reason when you look at everything..I've even told her that and she doesn't like that statement...even after the dumped her she did nothing to help our relationship..was the same ole person..hateful

These are the reason why I stay in a constant state of confusion when it comes to her..say one thing but does another..her tactic is much like leave your enemy in confusion till they submit..

 

You do realize you're punishing and blaming yourself, right?

 

You plead for truth and details and when you get them you destroy yourself over and over again.

 

You're out of your mind with grief.

 

You're not going to leave, she isn't either.

 

Just please be aware and mindful of how you are treating yourself.

 

You're in IC, why isn't she? And there's no such thing as no time.

[Cephalopod]

So in essence, hey you could never be as good as the fantasy world that I turned real. You can never give me those feeling for you because you can't be part of my fantasy..only people who are in my fantasy can recieve that treatment and can fulfill those feeling for me. Sorry bud but you too real..go take care of my kids while I turn all my fantasies into reality....I get part of it..but once it's becomes real..your no longer playing a fantasy..it's there..you can touch and feel it..for instance, at the time she thought the sex was good but once everything was out she says it was no where near the way she thought it was. That it wasn't that good..ok..I can try to accept that..but then say he made you feel the horniest ever in you life..was that then or now? And if now looking back at it and it's true then where was the fantasy? Because your telling someone now that's the reality of it. This telling me that sorry..you just don't make me feel that way but since I've gotten caught I want you..how does one sort through the lies and truths..which was real and which was fantasy..tell someone that at first he just made her horny but now he made her horniest then she's ever felt before in her life..which one was the fantasy and which one is now the truth..either way it's taken why would you wait months after to explain it that was and then try to say at the same time that's not what you meant? This just makes me confused with her explanations..

 

Well here is the deal...I agree with S2B as far as how affair sex and marital sex are different. I'm not sure I agree that she wants you around just for the lifestyle...but I can see how her behavior is not matching up with her words.

 

Understant TH that your wife's words are most likely coming from a real place, but her actions may just be having a hard time keeping pace. It is not uncommon for waywards to not come to a true sense of remorse and empathy until years after DDay, and then only after they have done a ton of work on themselves. I get the sense your wife is sincere, but is struggling to find her footing, and at some point youi have to accept that and work with that reality until she can come to a place where the real remorseful behaviors begin to kick in.

 

Now I'm going to play devil's advocate here. TH you cannot demand that your WW be honest with you about the sex, and then turn around and hold it against her when she answers truthfully. That's a dick move brother, and you need to either swallow the **** or not ask the questions at all, or wait to ask those questions down the road when you are a little more emotionally stable.

 

SB2 has a lot of stuff right about affair sex. In some ways it is "better" in that it is more exciting due to the danger, naughtiness and riskiness involved in its planning and execution. These factors boost the adrenaline, and magnify all those feel-good chemicals that swish around the brain when people undergo this kind of affair (dopamine, seratonin, oxytocin, endorphines...). Such emotions and feelings are extremely, extremely addictive.

 

The onslaught of these chemicals never occurred with her when you and her were dating and falling in love, simply because there was nothing illicit, dangerous or risky about your courtship.

 

Her boyfriend didn't make her "horny". Her boyfriend got her addicted to the euphoria of cheating. She was jonesing for a fix. She was feeling the same excitement and euphoria a meth addict feels when she scores a bag of rock and grabs her pipe to light up.

 

So if you look at it in this light, maybe you can more clearly understand where your wife is coming from. Her boyfriend was not a "better" lover than you. He just got her hooked on a feeling, and he exploited her stupidity.

[Cephalopod]

You do realize you're punishing and blaming yourself, right?

 

You plead for truth and details and when you get them you destroy yourself over and over again.

 

 

But this is the process see? The betrayed spouse HAS to go through this to get to the other side. Working through the truth is the only path to true healing, and sometimes that means letting the truth kick the hell out of you, over and over.

[Cephalopod]

Any person who says one thing and does another makes themselves a liar.

 

When actions and words don't match there's a lie in there.

 

 

 

Wanting her lifestyle only means she's using you. She can't use you if you stop allowing that!

 

I don't think that is the case here, or at least that is not the way I'm reading this.

 

It seems to me that a lot of her inability to "act" out her remorse is due to paralysis by fear. She's like a deer caught in the headlights. She's afraid to make any move, for fear it will be the wrong one. She wants to do what is right for TH, but every time she tries something he jerks her chain and she is back to square one. You get your chain jerked enough and eventually you don't want to move at all.

 

I agree that a separation might be good for the two of them. She needs to go stay somewhere safe while TH gets his mind and emotions under control. It may take a few months, but if she really works hard on herself during that time and is available to TH to answer questions, maybe he can find some footing and they can start to make some progress.

[Texashunter]

 

The onslaught of these chemicals never occurred with her when you and her were dating and falling in love, simply because there was nothing illicit, dangerous or risky about your courtship.

 

Her boyfriend didn't make her "horny". Her boyfriend got her addicted to the euphoria of cheating. She was jonesing for a fix. She was feeling the same excitement and euphoria a meth addict feels when she scores a bag of rock and grabs her pipe to light up.

 

So if you look at it in this light, maybe you can more clearly understand where your wife is coming from. Her boyfriend was not a "better" lover than you. He just got her hooked on a feeling, and he exploited her stupidity.

 

It's hard for me to understand and look at it that way. I think because she doesn't understand it as well and then describes it to me it comes out worse..making me feel lease adequate as a man..her saying well he made me feel horniest that I've ever felt in my life is devastating..it then make me question myself as a man she chose to even marry. She constantly tells me something and when I question it or ask more about it she says she's sorry that not what I meant..so for me when she says that it's like wow why are you staying with me if I've never excited you that much..it's like blow after vlownfrom her and it just pulls me further and further down. Who want someone to stay with you if your sexually inadequate to them and can only provide safety and a nice lifestyle. It sends me furthe into a tail spin and makes me say why try? I can't turn her on but I can buy her new outfits and such..I feel like that's all I am to her. But very insight full..I wish she would start thinking about what she says before saying..be honest but actually takentime to actually think about the situation..don't say something and then try to retract it..

[Texashunter]

I don't think that is the case here, or at least that is not the way I'm reading this.

 

It seems to me that a lot of her inability to "act" out her remorse is due to paralysis by fear. She's like a deer caught in the headlights. She's afraid to make any move, for fear it will be the wrong one. She wants to do what is right for TH, but every time she tries something he jerks her chain and she is back to square one. You get your chain jerked enough and eventually you don't want to move at all.

 

I agree that a separation might be good for the two of them. She needs to go stay somewhere safe while TH gets his mind and emotions under control. It may take a few months, but if she really works hard on herself during that time and is available to TH to answer questions, maybe he can find some footing and they can start to make some progress.

 

We tried separating but it devastated the kids and now with her being pregnant that would be hard for me..I like being able to talk to it and listen to the heart beat most night..I try to spend most of the day with the boys and then when she comes home give her space to either hang with the kids or do something without me in her butt constantly.

 

Jerking her chain isn't what I'm trying to do, but it's like why have you described these things to me before..it's like ok he is calmed or frustrated let me drop the new bomb on him and then freak out with my reaction..I think most people would react the same way. I try to control it but some things are a lot more harsh when you hear her say it and then try to retract it. If anyone chain has been jerked it's been mine..her saying she wants to be honest and transparent, saying she's told me everything but then bam right in the face from left field..but I hear what you say.

[GoldenR]

The item that came out last night was that the AP made me feel 'horny'....more than I had felt that way probably ever. That is why I desired the act of sex with him and not my husband. I know I have said that before, but the "ever in my life" aspect is what TH is hung up on now.

 

Jesus....that would be a tough pill to swallow.

 

RML, how on earth can he NOT feel like your plan B?

[mercy]

But this is the process see? The betrayed spouse HAS to go through this to get to the other side. Working through the truth is the only path to true healing, and sometimes that means letting the truth kick the hell out of you, over and over.

 

 

I know, I lived it.

[SoulStorm]

So RML,

If TH told you that a woman made him feel hornier than he ever felt in his life and he was having sex with her..how would you take that?

[understand50]

TexasHunter,

 

If you ask hard questions, and you demand truth, then you will get hard answers back. You have to prepare yourself for the worst, and give credit to your wife when she answer honestly. I think you know the main of "what" happened, you are now delving into "Why" and more. You must accept the pain you are asking for, or not ask.

 

I wish you luck....

[Cephalopod]

So RML,

If TH told you that a woman made him feel hornier than he ever felt in his life and he was have sex with her..how would you take that?

 

Yeah but if you could go back in time to when she and TH were dating and falling in love, she would probably be telling any of her ex-boyfriends that TH was the best sex she ever had. When you're addicted to someone the sex is just better.

[DKT3]

I don't see a wife who is even the slightest bit remorseful. My wife and I both post here, her not so much anymore but we've been around several years. Never once has she liked a post that was negative towards me nor have I. RML actually likes a post that was harsh. May sound like a little thing, but it's says alot about her true feelings.

 

In my opinion, there is nothing to save, you are both going through the motions. TH is gone but he can't admit it, and RML has been gone, thus the other guy. Save the kids the drawn out drama and splits. Like the saying goes, it's better to be from a broken home than to live in one. This home and marriage is about as broken as I've seen here.

[S2B]

We tried separating but it devastated the kids and now with her being pregnant that would be hard for me..I like being able to talk to it and listen to the heart beat most night..I try to spend most of the day with the boys and then when she comes home give her space to either hang with the kids or do something without me in her butt constantly.

 

Jerking her chain isn't what I'm trying to do, but it's like why have you described these things to me before..it's like ok he is calmed or frustrated let me drop the new bomb on him and then freak out with my reaction..I think most people would react the same way. I try to control it but some things are a lot more harsh when you hear her say it and then try to retract it. If anyone chain has been jerked it's been mine..her saying she wants to be honest and transparent, saying she's told me everything but then bam right in the face from left field..but I hear what you say.

 

She sounds cruel.

 

She's pregnant? Do you think it's your child?

[QuietDan]

I need to chime in here, too.....Thank you to those waywards and former waywards who have spoken up. I am taking your advice, even if I am not posting here about it every day. I usually get onto the forum to see if anything has been added, but don't typically have the time to post replies.

 

 

I want to say that I DO love my husband VERY much and I am doing everything I can think of to show him that. I desperately and with all of my being want to salvage a relationship with him. What I did is so despicable and I am completely ashamed of all of it. He did not deserve this from me or from anyone. I am trying so very hard to tell him and show him that HE is the man I want, I CHOOSE him and I love him. I made the biggest 'mistake' of my life....and I have owned up to it 100% The issue that persists is that he still does not believe me (which I understand) and seems to want me to have had deeper feelings and thought more about what I was doing at the time. And that is just not the case. The item that came out last night was that the AP made me feel 'horny'....more than I had felt that way probably ever. That is why I desired the act of sex with him and not my husband. I know I have said that before, but the "ever in my life" aspect is what TH is hung up on now. And I understand that. I was answering his questions as honestly as I possibly can, and that is the way I said it, whereas before I had just said "AP made me horny."

 

 

I know that what I have done is disgusting and cheap and has hurt my husband and my family more than I could ever have imagined. But I have been and continue to be honest and transparent about what I did and how I felt. I want to help him through this. I love him. I know we can be happy if he can ever allow it. And I know it will take time. I don't want to waste any more time, though. I wasted 18 months of our lives making the wrong choices and for the wrong reasons. And now we are 7 months post DD and these last few weeks have felt even worse than the first few. I love my family and I don't want to hurt them ever again. And I won't. I won't allow it. I don't want to live my life the way I did during the affair. I have changed and continue to grow and change.

 

Ruined my love,

 

Let me translate to what would generally be the equivalent statement that a man could make to his wife during marriage restoration...

 

Imagined TH had an affair...

then at this state of the recovery he says the following...after you ask him why.

He is staying married to you because you were better at sex...

So why did he have the affair???

 

He tells you he "Loved her more than anybody he has ever loved in his entire life". She was his soul mate. He had a deep and meaningful connection with her. He could open up and talk to her about his most intimate deepest part of his inner being and felt free and liberated to be himself.

 

But since he is married to you, and you are much better in bed, a much better more creative and reliable sex partner, he plans on staying with you.

[road]

A man working on recovery is not helped being told to divorce his wife.

 

I have seen worst affair stories and those marriages were recovered.

[Texashunter]

She sounds cruel.

 

She's pregnant? Do you think it's your child?

 

Yes it is my kid, the affair was a one time thing and she hadn't done anything with anyone else.. when it came all out I figured there would have been a few others but that was all in my head. The reality is this was the first time she had even let anyone get that close. It happened so fast and drew her in so quickly she got trapped. She has said she would do DNA test if I wanted to on all the kids..which I very well may still do but if you saw these kids you'd say the day thing..dude these are definitely you boys..they all look very much like me. But your not being cruel, I believe that is a very valid question and anyone man who has to go through this has to ask that same question..everything is now questionable.

[Texashunter]

Ruined my love,

 

Let me translate to what would generally be the equivalent statement that a man could make to his wife during marriage restoration...

 

Imagined TH had an affair...

then at this state of the recovery he says the following...after you ask him why.

He is staying married to you because you were better at sex...

So why did he have the affair???

 

He tells you he "Loved her more than anybody he has ever loved in his entire life". She was his soul mate. He had a deep and meaningful connection with her. He could open up and talk to her about his most intimate deepest part of his inner being and felt free and liberated to be himself.

 

But since he is married to you, and you are much better in bed, a much better more creative and reliable sex partner, he plans on staying with you.

 

You hit the nail on the head..I just tried putting it to her that way lastnight.. maybe you all can see into this better than me but..I sat and talked with her about the horny thing..she claims at the time because she had let our sex life go to sht..well meeting him gave her a spark and she desired him a lot..she wanted sex with him because he made her feel sexy and desired again by his pursuit. So she was willing to have sex because she felt it was part of it and he wanted it. Sonit made her want it as well. She thought the sex was better than it really was during the time but now looking back it was no where close to what we have now she claims. She said she said the whole horniest she's ever felt in her life because what else could have made her drop her family, kids and whole marriage? I'm starting to believe from a previous poster that maybe it wasn't because she was the horniest she's ever felt in her life but because of the danger and excitement she can't get from me..I could be very very wrong and just wanting to believe that is the thing to save some of myself. She claims that she said it that way because she felt that the answers she gave were not good enough for me so she chose something more harsh so I would have something to satisfy my ideas and then have a purpose..true or not true I guess that is possible.

 

.it's very hard to believe that this affair was done for so little and the way she describes it..I've been reading about others and it seems they have more substance..this was the first time she dropped everything in her life and was selfish..this I know for sure from what I know and have seen..but I could again be lying to myself and just don't want to see anything else...

 

to me everything is a lie and nothing she says I can believe..that's what makes trying to listen to her and her describing everything so hard because she has been such a good liar..so why wouldn't she leave things out and continue to lie about other things so that she can save face...feeling this way only keeps me pushing her away for my own safety..I'm disgusted by her in every way..

 

I don't see her as my wife but yet I can't make a move to leave her and why? I don't feel love for her but why to I keep letting her stay? Is my hurt, anger and disgust masking my real feelings or am I just trying to keep fooling myself...for a long time she had been my world..I loved her with a passion and with a fire that even I couldn't imagine..is that old flame what holds me..is it me fooling myself that that flame still burns somewhere in me but I just can't see it because of all this?

 

I'm starting to believe that's what I'm search for is proof that it's really all gone so I can truly say let's move on but on different paths or ok there's something still there and let's try to build on that..it's like having multiple questions for ever one question but with no solid answers...I don't want to do something if I'm just fooling myself and wanting to believe something it's not you know..I want to make the right choice not only for me but my kids..my life is screwed all up..I don't want to screw theirs up anymore than she has already made it for them..I need to be clear enough to make the right choice so I can stick to it.

Edited June 9, 2017 by Texashunter