Trying to understand wife's [past] affair

[QuietDan]

There are a lot of long term relationship problems snd issues here... So many.... Pull on one string and you get a birds nest knot... Seems like you both are making comments and hinting at the sex problems and issue.

It sounds like the Erotic injury both of you two and the relationship is a very significant problem. Unfortunately, I am not sure there is anything that RML will ever be able to say or do that will ever be able to convince TH that any sexual desire or pleasure is honest, true, legitimate. Ruined my Love ... You pretty much proved in word, action, deeds, that you consider TH to be sexually inadequate for you as a woman.

At the very least, a sex therapist might be able to find a way to salvage any potential for a sex life that will work for both of you in the long run.

Tackle one problem at a time.

Stay focus on one problem at a time.

Take the knot apart one thread at a time.

[JS84]

I think the length of the affair, the trickle truth, the lies and the damage to OP's ego has done too much damage.

 

And just because she's pregnant doesn't mean you have to stay together. Honestly I think the child would be better off being born with two separated parents who co-parent responsibly, than two married parents in the same house filled with resentment, anger, and poor communication solely for the sake of the kids (disclaimer: I'm very against staying married just for the sake of the children). Especially if you just end up divorcing anyway down the road when the child is old enough to remember and have to deal with it.

 

As for your other children, I don't mean to sound cold, but they'll adjust if you guys split up. Eventually it will just become normal. What will affect them is how you guys handle splitting up. If you act like jackasses than that will damage them. But two parents in the same home doesn't automatically equal a happy and stable childhood.

 

And I say this as someone who would have been devastated at a younger age if my parents split, but by 17 was damn near trying to force my mother to file for divorce from my cheating father. While they got along well enough and still do my sister and I weren't stupid. They're still married though. And even now while I'm 32, if they got divorced I wouldn't discourage it.

 

I think it's been about 9 months since D-day for the OP. I'd recommend at this point trying to figure out whether you are willing to put forth all your efforts into reconciliation or start planning an exit strategy. Because right now it just sounds like you're both spinning your wheels and going absolutely nowhere healthy. And if you do bring a child into the world in that environment, you most likely won't be doing him/her any favors either.

[alsudduth]

I think the length of the affair, the trickle truth, the lies and the damage to OP's ego has done too much damage.

 

And just because she's pregnant doesn't mean you have to stay together. Honestly I think the child would be better off being born with two separated parents who co-parent responsibly, than two married parents in the same house filled with resentment, anger, and poor communication solely for the sake of the kids (disclaimer: I'm very against staying married just for the sake of the children). Especially if you just end up divorcing anyway down the road when the child is old enough to remember and have to deal with it.

 

As for your other children, I don't mean to sound cold, but they'll adjust if you guys split up. Eventually it will just become normal. What will affect them is how you guys handle splitting up. If you act like jackasses than that will damage them. But two parents in the same home doesn't automatically equal a happy and stable childhood.

 

And I say this as someone who would have been devastated at a younger age if my parents split, but by 17 was damn near trying to force my mother to file for divorce from my cheating father. While they got along well enough and still do my sister and I weren't stupid. They're still married though. And even now while I'm 32, if they got divorced I wouldn't discourage it.

 

I think it's been about 9 months since D-day for the OP. I'd recommend at this point trying to figure out whether you are willing to put forth all your efforts into reconciliation or start planning an exit strategy. Because right now it just sounds like you're both spinning your wheels and going absolutely nowhere healthy. And if you do bring a child into the world in that environment, you most likely won't be doing him/her any favors either.

 

Had to sign in just to like this. I honestly don't think this relationship can be salvaged.

[georgia girl]

I have stayed away from this thread because I didn't see any input doing any good. I doubt, therefore, what I have to say will do any good either.

 

Unfortunately, I don't think this relationship can be saved. There's too much anger and bitterness for reconciliation to work and I think a lot of the responses to both ruined and TH have only stoked TH's anger. The bashing of ruined and the "never forgive" messages from so many posters have not served this couple well. From what he writes, TH is engaging in emotional abuse. From what she writes, Ruined is near the end and I suspect will eventually walk away. No person can take that kind of barrage. Eventually, being called names, told you're not worthy and threatened with the security of your family is going to kill any remaining love for TH. There will be a point where it's just gone. And the sad part is, TH will be even more hurt and angry and will believe that this was bound to happen all along - that she just didn't love him enough. From what I read, she loves him a great deal to put up with what she's been putting up with, especially while pregnant.

 

All of this is to say that it's not like I'm whitewashing that she had an affair. She did and that was wrong. But, at this point, her husband is now just as wrong. My take on what she did was that she was completely emotionally overwhelmed and she escaped into the ultimate sexual fantasy of subjugation. The poster who said they would be doing it like rabbits had it been closer? My bet is that if he had lived closer there would be no affair. She was totally escaping, doing most of it over the phone so it wasn't real. She wasn't looking for love - she was trying to escape.

 

TH, I know that this feels like I attacked you and I'm sorry. I didn't do it to be mean. Instead, I did it to counteract all of the advice I see you getting which essentially validates all of your bitterness and anger. I really think the two of you are good people and could love each other well. But you BOTH need counselling individually. I'm not sure if marriage counselling could work yet. And you need to start moving on past this hurt. You need to start having good days. You need to start making some good memories and be kind to each other. Otherwise, please walk away. TH, I can't think you like yourself very much when you berate your wife; Ruined, I can't think you like yourself for what you did. Is this really worth it, guys?

 

If it is, listen to Mrs. John Adams.

[DKT3]

I have stayed away from this thread because I didn't see any input doing any good. I doubt, therefore, what I have to say will do any good either.

 

Unfortunately, I don't think this relationship can be saved. There's too much anger and bitterness for reconciliation to work and I think a lot of the responses to both ruined and TH have only stoked TH's anger. The bashing of ruined and the "never forgive" messages from so many posters have not served this couple well. From what he writes, TH is engaging in emotional abuse. From what she writes, Ruined is near the end and I suspect will eventually walk away. No person can take that kind of barrage. Eventually, being called names, told you're not worthy and threatened with the security of your family is going to kill any remaining love for TH. There will be a point where it's just gone. And the sad part is, TH will be even more hurt and angry and will believe that this was bound to happen all along - that she just didn't love him enough. From what I read, she loves him a great deal to put up with what she's been putting up with, especially while pregnant.

 

All of this is to say that it's not like I'm whitewashing that she had an affair. She did and that was wrong. But, at this point, her husband is now just as wrong. My take on what she did was that she was completely emotionally overwhelmed and she escaped into the ultimate sexual fantasy of subjugation. The poster who said they would be doing it like rabbits had it been closer? My bet is that if he had lived closer there would be no affair. She was totally escaping, doing most of it over the phone so it wasn't real. She wasn't looking for love - she was trying to escape.

 

TH, I know that this feels like I attacked you and I'm sorry. I didn't do it to be mean. Instead, I did it to counteract all of the advice I see you getting which essentially validates all of your bitterness and anger. I really think the two of you are good people and could love each other well. But you BOTH need counselling individually. I'm not sure if marriage counselling could work yet. And you need to start moving on past this hurt. You need to start having good days. You need to start making some good memories and be kind to each other. Otherwise, please walk away. TH, I can't think you like yourself very much when you berate your wife; Ruined, I can't think you like yourself for what you did. Is this really worth it, guys?

 

If it is, listen to Mrs. John Adams.

 

Maybe, but she still hasn't truly shown any remorse or genuinely​ done anything proactive. I can identify with TH. I was also very angry, I didn't have the verbal outburst but does that really matter? I felt what he feels....so I guess the message you're sending is hide your emotions and kiss your wayward wife's backside.

[BluesPower]

Folks I just don't get it...

 

These ladies (and maybe some men) the are bashing TH, and yes it is bashing, about his name calling and anger, could any of you just get real.

 

I know some women also freak out when they find out their husband has had and affair.

 

Ruined on the other hand sounds overall like a selfish spoilt brat. She is so upset because she is being called names.

 

And yes ladies, if they were local they would have been screwing like rabbits every single time they could time to meet somewhere. This affair was real even if some of it or most of it was online. And you can bet your bottom dollar that if she had not been caught it would still be continuing.

 

What about that makes her some kind of special snowflake? What man in his right mind would consider taking back a woman that did that for 18 months until caught? She has so far, been completely unremorseful and apparently she expects TH to just move on and live happily ever after.

 

I am frankly stunned with some of the things that mostly the females are saying. And to an extent even Mrs. JA.

 

Listen, it does not work that way, and it never will. This man provided his wife as much as anyone could want. She got bored, unappreciative, and checked out of the marriage, but she forgot to tell TH. I am not saying that men never do this, but it seems a lot more common that women, get bored and restless and pull this kind of stuff.

 

I think TH has, and still has because of her ambivalence toward him, her affair, and the damage that she has done, every right to be completely angry and pissed off.

 

Good grief...

[Texashunter]

I'm trying today, woke up, makes us coffee and breakfast in bed..we have me hanging in the room all morning and it's nice..no affair talking even when she starts crying about it by we have been just holding each other and trying to make today as normal as I can. I just want to lay here and put my hand on her tummy to feel and hear the baby..if for just a day..

[georgia girl]

Maybe, but she still hasn't truly shown any remorse or genuinely​ done anything proactive. I can identify with TH. I was also very angry, I didn't have the verbal outburst but does that really matter? I felt what he feels....so I guess the message you're sending is hide your emotions and kiss your wayward wife's backside.

 

DKT3,

 

Normally I agree with everything you post, but this time, I do think you slightly twisted my words. I didn't say hide all of your emotions and kiss your wife's backside. I said fight fair and at some point, decide to see if there is a path forward. That simply holding onto anger and allowing it to grow and grow (egged on by some posters here), doesn't give TH or his wife a way to heal and a future, if that's what they want. They both have to do some work. They both need to re-earn each other's trust. Yes, the trust she broke is going to be harder to earn back, but I don't want to see him - as he's attempting to heal from his hurt - put himself in a place where he has become someone he didn't want to be. He has every right to be angry, but how we act on anger matters. It's the old adage of two wrongs, except lives are at stake.

 

You and Lovin' and Mr. and Mrs. Adams are great examples of remorse and healing. I have the utmost respect for all of you and how you've rebuilt your relationship. But, just as you rebuilt differently than Mr. and Mrs. Adams, TH and his wife have to rebuild their own way. My only point was that encouraging angry outbursts may actually cause more harm than good. Empathizing that he's angry - I'm all over that. Acting out anger, I'm not. Doesn't mean it won't happen sometimes in reconciliation, but it shoudn't be the "go to" response.

 

TH, I read your post! How nice. Enjoy the day. If you guys feel like it, you should each pick out one small thing you would like to do for each other today (it sounds like you already did that with breakfast and bed). Nothing more. Just a small expression of love from one partner to another.

[road]

Folks I just don't get it...

 

These ladies (and maybe some men) the are bashing TH, and yes it is bashing, about his name calling and anger, could any of you just get real.

 

I know some women also freak out when they find out their husband has had and affair.

 

Ruined on the other hand sounds overall like a selfish spoilt brat. She is so upset because she is being called names.

 

And yes ladies, if they were local they would have been screwing like rabbits every single time they could time to meet somewhere. This affair was real even if some of it or most of it was online. And you can bet your bottom dollar that if she had not been caught it would still be continuing.

 

What about that makes her some kind of special snowflake? What man in his right mind would consider taking back a woman that did that for 18 months until caught? She has so far, been completely unremorseful and apparently she expects TH to just move on and live happily ever after.

 

I am frankly stunned with some of the things that mostly the females are saying. And to an extent even Mrs. JA.

 

Listen, it does not work that way, and it never will. This man provided his wife as much as anyone could want. She got bored, unappreciative, and checked out of the marriage, but she forgot to tell TH. I am not saying that men never do this, but it seems a lot more common that women, get bored and restless and pull this kind of stuff.

 

I think TH has, and still has because of her ambivalence toward him, her affair, and the damage that she has done, every right to be completely angry and pissed off.

 

Good grief...

 

On D day the BS's usually call their WS's bad names. By the end of the first

week it is time to stop attacking the WS with the bad names.

 

Do not confuse this with time to get over it. Time to forgive, Time to

forget. Time to no longer be mad at the WS.

 

For recovery is a 2 to 5 year process.

 

What we have here is a WW and a BH trying to recover. They state that

recovery is their goal. As long as the affair is over. There is NC. The BH

can verify NC. Then talk to divorce is not going to help them.

 

They need to be guided through the recovery process.

 

The way to do this is the WW needs to start her own thread. Take her lumps

when she is not being authentic. Stay off of her BH's thread. This is his

safe place.

 

The BH needs to stay off of his WW's thread for that is her safe place.

[road]

DKT3,

 

Normally I agree with everything you post, but this time, I do think you slightly twisted my words. I didn't say hide all of your emotions and kiss your wife's backside. I said fight fair and at some point, decide to see if there is a path forward. That simply holding onto anger and allowing it to grow and grow (egged on by some posters here), doesn't give TH or his wife a way to heal and a future, if that's what they want. They both have to do some work. They both need to re-earn each other's trust. Yes, the trust she broke is going to be harder to earn back, but I don't want to see him - as he's attempting to heal from his hurt - put himself in a place where he has become someone he didn't want to be. He has every right to be angry, but how we act on anger matters. It's the old adage of two wrongs, except lives are at stake.

 

You and Lovin' and Mr. and Mrs. Adams are great examples of remorse and healing. I have the utmost respect for all of you and how you've rebuilt your relationship. But, just as you rebuilt differently than Mr. and Mrs. Adams, TH and his wife have to rebuild their own way. My only point was that encouraging angry outbursts may actually cause more harm than good. Empathizing that he's angry - I'm all over that. Acting out anger, I'm not. Doesn't mean it won't happen sometimes in reconciliation, but it shoudn't be the "go to" response.

 

TH, I read your post! How nice. Enjoy the day. If you guys feel like it, you should each pick out one small thing you would like to do for each other today (it sounds like you already did that with breakfast and bed). Nothing more. Just a small expression of love from one partner to another.

 

 

Exactly this WW and BH are seeking help to recover not divorce. Yet

people for the most part only are pushing for divorce.

[Texashunter]

Today is going well so far but I still have thought that keep creeping in and out..it's frustrating and I keep repressing it because I don't want to ruin the day.

It's making it difficult but I'm still trying as painful as it is.

[QuietDan]

Today is going well so far but I still have thought that keep creeping in and out..it's frustrating and I keep repressing it because I don't want to ruin the day.

It's making it difficult but I'm still trying as painful as it is.

 

If you haven't watched the movie Fireproof,I would recommend it. If you have seen it in the past, it might be a good time to watch it again.

[Texashunter]

So ended yesterday on a good note sort of. Got triggered for a bit and feeling got off track. Which usually happens but usually blows up a lot. Had some what of a break down for about 1 1/2 hrs. So how I managed to keep it from spiraling out. I was exhausted by the end of the day like I had just run an emotional marathon..but it feels like that everyday. Got up this morning feeling bothered and down on myself. The images rolling through to a point and usually makes for a difficult day and a challenge for me to get done with my work. I'm trying to get ahold on things before it balls up early and boils through out the day till she gets home and I am full on raged from stewing on it all day.

[alsudduth]

So ended yesterday on a good note sort of. Got triggered for a bit and feeling got off track. Which usually happens but usually blows up a lot. Had some what of a break down for about 1 1/2 hrs. So how I managed to keep it from spiraling out. I was exhausted by the end of the day like I had just run an emotional marathon..but it feels like that everyday. Got up this morning feeling bothered and down on myself. The images rolling through to a point and usually makes for a difficult day and a challenge for me to get done with my work. I'm trying to get a hold on things before it balls up early and boils through out the day till she gets home and I am full on raged from stewing on it all day.

 

TH, I am glad to hear this. Are you still seeing the counselor that you felt helped due to the PTSD? I think the above is a great first step, however you need to find a healthy outlet to let go of that stress and anger. Suppressing it won't make it go away. You said you were going back to the gym, do you feel like that helps with the overwhelming feelings? Everyday for awhile is going to feel like an emotional roller coaster, and you will be emotionally exhausted often, but good job on pushing through!

 

For Ruined - The above there from TH? I bet that took some major effort on his part, I hope you are showing him the same.

 

Day before yesterday, I thought this marriage was doomed......Today, perhaps you guys will get there eventually. We are all rooting for you to find your path to healing.

[Cephalopod]

I guess I'm in the minority as one of those who still thinks this marriage may be salvageable, but I still think they need time apart.

[Texashunter]

Trying to play major catch up with work and once I do I'm planning to start hitting the gym again. I lost my drive to go for awhile but need to get back to it.

[QuietDan]

I guess I'm in the minority as one of those who still thinks this marriage may be salvageable, but I still think they need time apart.

 

I also think this marriage is salvageable. There are a lot of good time tested technique to work through most of the issues that they are coping with... If both of them are willing, diciplined, intentional, patient...

[Cephalopod]

Trying to play major catch up with work and once I do I'm planning to start hitting the gym again. I lost my drive to go for awhile but need to get back to it.

 

It will make you feel better and give you an outlet for some of that aggression.

[road]

I guess I'm in the minority as one of those who still thinks this marriage may be salvageable, but I still think they need time apart.

 

Separating does nothing to repair the damage or the trust that was

broken. No BH needs to wonder what his WW is up to because they

are separated.

 

Separation does nothing to foster re-bonding.

[Cephalopod]

Separating does nothing to repair the damage or the trust that was

broken. No BH needs to wonder what his WW is up to because they

are separated.

 

Separation does nothing to foster re-bonding.

 

I would agree with you in most cases where a marriage has gone south and one partner is looking for an excuse to go out and play the field. But in this case, we have a very angry, traumatized man who is continuously triggering and flying off the handle.

 

I'm recommending a short time apart...no more than a month, just so TH can get his feet under him and cool off a bit.

[Texashunter]

We tried separation and it didn't work very well because of the kids..she has been trying to give me space and only coming around when ready..taking baby steps but it's so very difficult to accept everything thing she's done and make me disregard my moral/ethics about cheater and the idea of marriage..sharing herself sexually and wanting another man is something that I just can't get over..living with someone who shared herself with with another man while being married is unforgivable to me..

[Cephalopod]

We tried separation and it didn't work very well because of the kids..she has been trying to give me space and only coming around when ready..taking baby steps but it's so very difficult to accept everything thing she's done and make me disregard my moral/ethics about cheater and the idea of marriage..sharing herself sexually and wanting another man is something that I just can't get over..living with someone who shared herself with with another man while being married is unforgivable to me..

 

Okay....

 

So you are you saying that staying in a marriage just for the kids' sakes, while damning yourself and your wife to a miserable existence together is a better option?

 

Really?

[Texashunter]

no, trying to figure it all out and see if and how I can work past things while keeping my children's world some what normal. If things go south at least I can make the move with a little less stress. I do need to get my anger under control but the way she talks at times makes it very difficult.

[Cephalopod]

no, trying to figure it all out and see if and how I can work past things while keeping my children's world some what normal. If things go south at least I can make the move with a little less stress. I do need to get my anger under control but the way she talks at times makes it very difficult.

 

Well, she definitely needs to STFU sometimes.

 

How about this...how about you limit your questions about the affair to say...one or two specific times a week? Set aside one hour, maybe every three days, when the kids are not around. During that time you ask her all the questions you need at that time. Then she answers you. Then you have time to think about her answers and then three days later you get together again and have another discussion.

 

You only limit talks about the affair to those specific times. That way you have time to absorb what she said and then you can come back the next time with rebuttals or more questions. This way you aren't just reacting. You are giving yourself time to absorb and think and get your emotions under control.

[Texashunter]

That's what has been hard..i am trying..but I am weak at this point. I'm trying to gain control over my emotions now.