Trying to understand wife's [past] affair

[GoldenR]

Who is the WW and does she have her own threads?

 

She's in this thread. RuinedMyLove or something like that. No thread of her own.

[road]

I don't know anymore..I don't understand this person anymore..she is a way different person since her affair started. She gets upset when I keep asking questions about the affair and says I keep asking the same stuff..but it is what it is..there is no changing her..she has decided she's ready to move on and that I should too..like I just can turn off everything she's done and just give her a new life where this didn't happen almost. I mean why have to talk about the affair..it is in the past and we are in the now..

 

How long since D day?

 

Has she answered all of your questions?

 

Has the trickle trothing stopped?

[Mrs. John Adams]

Who is the WW and does she have her own threads?

 

I believe ruined my love is his wife and she is on this thread

[BluesPower]

Well if that is what she said... it is time to call in the dogs and piss on the fire. It's done.

 

She has read and been told that you may ask those questions a 1000 times and she needs to answer a 1000 times.

 

She does not have what it takes to R. I don't think she ever will. Like DTK said, she cannot admit to herself what she has really done to you and she it looks like she never will. She can't bare the thought of actually seeing herself for what she actually is. She does not have the courage.

 

Of course she wants to move on, that way she does not have to face the consequences of what she has done. That way, she won't have to feel the pain of what she has done. What a coward she is...

 

TH, it is time to file and kick her out. I am sorry, I had hope that she may wake up. Send her back to her OM and be done with her...

[road]

Well if that is what she said... it is time to call in the dogs and piss on the fire. It's done.

 

She has read and been told that you may ask those questions a 1000 times and she needs to answer a 1000 times.

 

She does not have what it takes to R. I don't think she ever will. Like DTK said, she cannot admit to herself what she has really done to you and she it looks like she never will. She can't bare the thought of actually seeing herself for what she actually is. She does not have the courage.

 

Of course she wants to move on, that way she does not have to face the consequences of what she has done. That way, she won't have to feel the pain of what she has done. What a coward she is...

 

TH, it is time to file and kick her out. I am sorry, I had hope that she may wake up. Send her back to her OM and be done with her...

 

 

Why, just because she is acting like a normal WW after D day?

 

This is what WW's do. They trickle truth. It takes awhile for the WW to

feel safe enough to tell the truth. They live in fear of the repercussions

when their BH learns the truth.

 

Though by six months out from D day the truth has to come out.

[ruined_my_love]

I have not said that I don't want to answer questions. I have repeatedly told TH that I understand that we will talk about what I've done and how it affects us for a very very very long time. I will admit, at times I do become frustrated, but not because the questions keep being asked - it's that I will answer, and tell what I was thinking and feeling at the time as well as my thoughts now, and TH does not want to accept the answers and how I felt and wants to argue each point. Yes, I become weak after being "beat down" verbally for days. I am trying so very hard to be patient and strong. For those that have asked, yes, all the truth has come out. I trickle-truthed in the beginning, but once it was all out, it was as if a weight was lifted. And yes, I HAVE taken full responsibility for what I have done and how it has hurt TH and our family. I did my husband and my family so wrong and I regret the entirety of the affair. I have not told him that we "should just move on" or "just get over it" - that is far from the truth, but I understand that this may be what he 'hears' from me. And yes, we see a counselor together, and recently switched from once per week to once every other week - because TH said that it wasn't doing any good and because money has started to get tighter. Not maybe once a month like TH wrote in an earlier post. He does not want me to see a counselor on my own, and I don't want to go against his wishes, even if I think it may be for the best.

I know that this will be the hardest thing we will ever face together, and I hate that I have brought this upon my family. I am willing to do the work to help heal and make him feel safe and loved again. I am doing everything I can think of to show this. But sometimes everything a person has is not enough, and that is what I am struggling with now.

[alsudduth]

it's that I will answer, and tell what I was thinking and feeling at the time as well as my thoughts now, and TH does not want to accept the answers and how I felt and wants to argue each point.

 

He does not want me to see a counselor on my own, and I don't want to go against his wishes, even if I think it may be for the best.

 

TH, is this true? Or is your wife blatantly lying to us strangers for no reason?

[understand50]

I have not said that I don't want to answer questions. I have repeatedly told TH that I understand that we will talk about what I've done and how it affects us for a very very very long time. I will admit, at times I do become frustrated, but not because the questions keep being asked - it's that I will answer, and tell what I was thinking and feeling at the time as well as my thoughts now, and TH does not want to accept the answers and how I felt and wants to argue each point. Yes, I become weak after being "beat down" verbally for days. I am trying so very hard to be patient and strong. For those that have asked, yes, all the truth has come out. I trickle-truthed in the beginning, but once it was all out, it was as if a weight was lifted. And yes, I HAVE taken full responsibility for what I have done and how it has hurt TH and our family. I did my husband and my family so wrong and I regret the entirety of the affair. I have not told him that we "should just move on" or "just get over it" - that is far from the truth, but I understand that this may be what he 'hears' from me. And yes, we see a counselor together, and recently switched from once per week to once every other week - because TH said that it wasn't doing any good and because money has started to get tighter. Not maybe once a month like TH wrote in an earlier post. He does not want me to see a counselor on my own, and I don't want to go against his wishes, even if I think it may be for the best.

I know that this will be the hardest thing we will ever face together, and I hate that I have brought this upon my family. I am willing to do the work to help heal and make him feel safe and loved again. I am doing everything I can think of to show this. But sometimes everything a person has is not enough, and that is what I am struggling with now.

 

ruined_my_love,

 

Somethings things just cannot be put back together. TH just does not seem able to put aside his anger and treat you with civility. At some point , you are going to have to decide if you want to live this way. You are to blame for this happening, but you should not expect to live in abuse for the rest of your life. TH, is going to have to divorce, or come to the understanding that he needs to work on himself as well. If this does turn, as I fear it may, to physical abuse, do not hesitate to call the police and remove yourself and your kids from this.

 

I wish you luck......

[Mrs. John Adams]

I have not said that I don't want to answer questions. I have repeatedly told TH that I understand that we will talk about what I've done and how it affects us for a very very very long time. I will admit, at times I do become frustrated, but not because the questions keep being asked - it's that I will answer, and tell what I was thinking and feeling at the time as well as my thoughts now, and TH does not want to accept the answers and how I felt and wants to argue each point. Yes, I become weak after being "beat down" verbally for days. I am trying so very hard to be patient and strong. For those that have asked, yes, all the truth has come out. I trickle-truthed in the beginning, but once it was all out, it was as if a weight was lifted. And yes, I HAVE taken full responsibility for what I have done and how it has hurt TH and our family. I did my husband and my family so wrong and I regret the entirety of the affair. I have not told him that we "should just move on" or "just get over it" - that is far from the truth, but I understand that this may be what he 'hears' from me. And yes, we see a counselor together, and recently switched from once per week to once every other week - because TH said that it wasn't doing any good and because money has started to get tighter. Not maybe once a month like TH wrote in an earlier post. He does not want me to see a counselor on my own, and I don't want to go against his wishes, even if I think it may be for the best.

I know that this will be the hardest thing we will ever face together, and I hate that I have brought this upon my family. I am willing to do the work to help heal and make him feel safe and loved again. I am doing everything I can think of to show this. But sometimes everything a person has is not enough, and that is what I am struggling with now.

 

I have followed but kept my distance from this thread.

 

I truly wish you would start your own thread becasue i think more FWW would participate to speak to you.

 

Have you read the book How to help your spouse heal from your affair by linda macdonald? Even if you have...read it again. Absorp it....becaseu each time you read it...you will see and understand more. It is 95 pages long....

 

open your eyes and open your heart.

 

YOu have control over one person....you

 

work on you right now and prepare your heart to help HIM

[usa1ah]

RML, you cheated because you have a weak character and poor morals.

 

Also because you are not in love with your husband. Not saying you don't love him in a way but your are not in love with him.

 

It is going to take 2 to 3 years to get back any sort of normalcy back into the marriage. Are you will to work that long to fix what you have done?

 

Your H keeps asking the same questions because he is trying to understand. He would have never cheated on you so he can't comprehend how you cheated on him. He looks at it as a failure on his part, which it isn't.

 

If you don't have the love or time to give to him asking the questions, then why are you still in the marriage?

[BluesPower]

I have not said that I don't want to answer questions. I have repeatedly told TH that I understand that we will talk about what I've done and how it affects us for a very very very long time. I will admit, at times I do become frustrated, but not because the questions keep being asked - it's that I will answer, and tell what I was thinking and feeling at the time as well as my thoughts now, and TH does not want to accept the answers and how I felt and wants to argue each point. Yes, I become weak after being "beat down" verbally for days. I am trying so very hard to be patient and strong. For those that have asked, yes, all the truth has come out. I trickle-truthed in the beginning, but once it was all out, it was as if a weight was lifted. And yes, I HAVE taken full responsibility for what I have done and how it has hurt TH and our family. I did my husband and my family so wrong and I regret the entirety of the affair. I have not told him that we "should just move on" or "just get over it" - that is far from the truth, but I understand that this may be what he 'hears' from me. And yes, we see a counselor together, and recently switched from once per week to once every other week - because TH said that it wasn't doing any good and because money has started to get tighter. Not maybe once a month like TH wrote in an earlier post. He does not want me to see a counselor on my own, and I don't want to go against his wishes, even if I think it may be for the best.

I know that this will be the hardest thing we will ever face together, and I hate that I have brought this upon my family. I am willing to do the work to help heal and make him feel safe and loved again. I am doing everything I can think of to show this. But sometimes everything a person has is not enough, and that is what I am struggling with now.

 

Ruined, I understand that TH is having a rough time and frankly so are you.

 

I have tried to speak to both of you together and at different times.

 

I believe the you are sorry about everything, but sorry does not get the job done. And it never will.

 

As I have explained to both of you, the circumstances of your affair, the length, the trickle truth, the sex acts and all the rest, make your affair a really hard one to take. It may not seem like that to you, I mean you only had sex on 3 particular days, that is not such a big deal. Right? Wrong!

 

The thing is that the TT and lying and the travel and all that makes it so so bad from a husbands perspective.

 

About the only thing that could make it worse if is you were banging your co-ed bowling team every Friday night, because TH did not like to bowl. (this really happened believe it or not)

 

Does that register in your head at all?

 

You do not get the privilege of getting tired of hearing and answering the questions and fighting to make him believe it. After what you have done, you just don't get to gripe about these circumstances.

 

Here is the real deal, whether TH was the best husband ever, or the worst husband ever, the greatest lover in the world or the worst, none of that matters after what you have done. You have got to realize that.

 

And whatever you said that made him think for an instant that you wanted him to move on is actually about the worst thing you could ever say. You do not want to say or insinuate anything like that ever again.

 

Your husband is hanging on by a thread, you have got to realize that as well. And guess what, you caused every bit of the pain and mental anguish that he is feeling.

 

I will bet that TH was not a bad husband in the grand scheme of things, you just thought you could get away with a little fun but you got caught.

 

Listen, if you cannot handle what you are going through right now, please make TH a good deal and let him divorce you.

 

You have already been as cruel to him as you could ever be, why not let him go with a few bucks in his pocket so he can actually find a loving loyal wife.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Ruined...

 

I am going to speak to you because your husband has lots of other betrayeds here to assist him. He is too is making mistakes.. but others seem to be trying to enlighten him.

 

Theses same people are also trying to tell you how he feels and what he is going through and I know that you don't understand most of what they are saying.. not because you are not trying.

 

I know that you are hurting... I know you are confused and frightened. You are angry. You hate that your life is in shatters and you hate the uncertainty and you hate the way you are feeling. I know that you feel guilty and are angry because you know that you have only one person to blame... you

 

There are always reasons or consequences that happen in a relationship that have cause and effect... but we must be very careful as waywards to not use those things as excuses for our choice to cheat. Everyone has difficulties.. not everyone allows themselves to become immoral and seek love or sex or ego stroking by someone other than our spouse. No you and I put ourselves before everything else important to us.. to feel good. We did the most selfish thing we could do... we were willing to sacrifice everything for pleasure.. attention ... flattery.

 

You then can understand that the one person your husband trusted more than anyone else in this world not only betrayed him... but you told him with your choice that you matter more than anyone else and you were willing to lose everything for it.

 

You have two choices now... you divorce or you reconcile. He has those same two choices. And during this difficult time you are both going through.. you are both scrutinizing everything the other one says... because you are both trying to figure out what the right decision is.

 

Every word you say every word you write.. everything you do... he is listening and watching and analyzing. Why? Because he is hoping that in your words and actions you tell him you are worth the effort and love he is willing to give you. But he is afraid.. and every time you confirm to him you are not worth it... he lashes out at you. Do you understand this?.. he wants with all his heart for you to prove to him that reconciliation is the right answer.

 

How do I know? Because he is still there.

 

If he was done... if he thought there was no hope... he would have already filed for divorce. He is not finished giving you a chance. He is still willing to give you the gift of reconciliation.

 

Will you accept that gift? If you want it... you must become transparent... that means telling him the entire truth. Truth can be painful and ugly... but in order for him to heal you must clean out the wound. So transparency is a must. No more lying no trickle truth no hiding anything.... give it all to him. Nothing else can be any worse than what he already knows.

 

You must also reset all of your boundaries... anything that causes him to have doubt or question must be shored up. He must be told and shown your every move. Some would say that's like prison... well yes in a way it is... you committed murder... you murdered your marriage... the penance is strict boundaries and complete transparency.

 

Therapy both individual and together can be helpful. You need to know how you allowed yourself to do this. But you also need to abide by wishes. Forums... books can help. Read... read ... read

 

 

Do you have someone you can talk to ? I talked to my mom. Thank goodness for my mom. She was so wise and so supportive to both of us.

 

And talk to a lawyer... you also need to know where you stand legally. I know he has already talked to a lawyer. You should do the same.

 

Volunteer to do whatever he needs you to do to help him know you are sincere.

 

If you are not sincere divorce him now

Edited May 25, 2017 by Mrs. John Adams

[OneLov]

A belief that you will achieve different results by repeating the same behavior(s)/action(s) is the functional definition of insanity. If you truly want to heal, you have to take some action. Repeatedly cursing a broken leg will not heal it. But if you go to a doctor and receive treatment, it more than likely will heal. However, you have to make the initial appointment.

 

What you are currently doing is not working. If you were 18 days or 18 weeks from Dday, I would not be giving you this advice. But from your statement a few pages ago, you are almost 18 months from having unequivocal evidence of her affair. Now, you have a baby on the way in 6 months. You need to take some action if you want to save yourself and be strong for your child.

 

I know someone will say that I am making excuses for your wife or somehow not acknowledging her role in this, but TH, you are drowning and she clearly cannot save you. This baby is going to come and life will go on, what are you going to do? You really need to find your strength and take that first step on the path to healing whether that includes reconciliation or divorce.

 

Currently, you are circling a long settled topic: your wife's bad behavior. But how are you going to continue living? What is your plan? That is the immediate question you need to ask yourself.

 

 

I am trying to get a handle on myself again but I do keep slipping and letting my pain take control..may , June and July will be very bad months

 

tried to take a nap but now playing some video games to try to take things off my mind...

 

 

 

TH does not want to accept the answers and how I felt and wants to argue each point.

 

And yes, we see a counselor together, and recently switched from once per week to once every other week - because TH said that it wasn't doing any good and because money has started to get tighter.

 

The above actions are resistance to help and ways to remain stuck. If staying angry was working, I'd say keep going. However, this thread is turning into Groundhog Day (the movie with Bill Murray). There is no change in your emotional state since you posted three months ago. Therefore, you need to go back to the drawing board and try something else.

 

If you don't know what to do, then you need to ask for professional help. People often focus on topics when they do not want to confront issues. The topic is her affair, the issue(s) is what are you going to do about healing yourself?

Edited May 25, 2017 by OneLov

[Texashunter]

TH, is this true? Or is your wife blatantly lying to us strangers for no reason?

 

I have not told her that I don't want her to go see a counselor on her own. I stated that I felt we needed to work on it together so I can better understand where she was coming from.

[alsudduth]

I have not told her that I don't want her to go see a counselor on her own. I stated that I felt we needed to work on it together so I can better understand where she was coming from.

 

My husband and I both went to IC weekly as well as MC weekly for about a year. I honestly feel that the combo of both is what really helped. If money is an issue, I'd say you each do IC weekly and follow up with a MC biweekly or switch it up somehow.

 

I definitely think at the point you guys are, IC should come first, with the MC follow up to discusses how you both can take what you learn in IC and use it to build a stronger foundation for moving forward.

[Texashunter]

My husband and I both went to IC weekly as well as MC weekly for about a year. I honestly feel that the combo of both is what really helped. If money is an issue, I'd say you each do IC weekly and follow up with a MC biweekly or switch it up somehow.

 

I definitely think at the point you guys are, IC should come first, with the MC follow up to discusses how you both can take what you learn in IC and use it to build a stronger foundation for moving forward.

 

She is looking to sign us up for a EMS weekend..I have started watching [] video blogs [regarding recovering from affairs] the last couple of day and shared them with her..im looking for her to push the work..she says she is limited on time..to me that means limited on her family and saving it. But that's me..if she truly loves me and wants this family now..well she is going to have to make it happen..she made the affair happen she can then work harder to save her marriage..

Edited May 26, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redacted commercial link

[Cephalopod]

I have not told her that I don't want her to go see a counselor on her own. I stated that I felt we needed to work on it together so I can better understand where she was coming from.

 

You guys are not ready for MC. Not even close. You need to go to a counselor who specializes in PTSD so you can get your head together and stop being reactive. Right now you are an exposed nerve. You have PTSD bad.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Th... do you then see how what you said she perceived as you don't want her to go alone?

 

This is a great example and I am really glad you shared it.

 

John and I did the same things...in our recovery.

 

Patience and love th... that's how you get through this. Baby steps.

 

Communication...

 

If she says something that upsets you ... just tell her.. ruined what you just said made me feel uncertain. Then allow her to explain and clarify.

 

I fear the two of you have so much crap pent up that when you get the chance you let it fly... instead of thinking about how it sounds.

 

So the bottom line is... you are not opposed to individual therapy.. however ... you prefer that you go together.

 

Why not do both for a couple of weeks?

 

You both might need to talk without the other one around to learn how to communicate together.

[alsudduth]

She is looking to sign us up for a EMS weekend..I have started watching [] video blogs [regarding recovering from affairs] the last couple of day and shared them with her..im looking for her to push the work..she says she is limited on time..to me that means limited on her family and saving it. But that's me..if she truly loves me and wants this family now..well she is going to have to make it happen..she made the affair happen she can then work harder to save her marriage..

 

I think this is a good baby step. She absolutely has to do the hard work in salvaging this marriage, as Mrs JA says...baby steps.

 

For Ruined:

You CAN'T say things like you are limited on time when it comes to remorse for your actions and taking steps to do your part in the marriage. Learn to multi-task girl. Your husband is giving you a gift that he doesn't think you deserve at the moment. That is mighty generous of him. The gift is to show your worth and remorse in a positive way, don't lose it. If you are frustrated by his questions, or feel low on time or overwhelmed....those are things you can't help... but good lord, don't voice that to the one person who justifiably has no sympathy for it because you DID do it to yourself. Smile and act lovingly towards TH to show that no matter your frustrations you are still wanting to be there, vent to a friend or your mom if you need to.

 

Some books for you both to read if interested:

5 Love Languages

How to help your spouse heal from an affair

Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay

Edited May 26, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Edit quote

[big dog]

You need to wake up...ans in a hurry ! What're you trying to prove anyway ? She cheated and lied and loved every minute of it. Stop trying to make yourself believe it was something that it wasn't. Stand up and show your boys how a man should act in a situation like this. Show them they don't have to live like that should this kind of thing happen to them when they're grown. They need to know their old man has some backbone. And if she did those things, she very well may have done 'em before that with someone else. Torturing yourself for the rest of your life won't accomplish a thing. And that counseling stuff is BS as well. Might do a little for a few people but not after this kind of thing has happened. Stand up...be a man...get rid of her.

[usa1ah]

So she made time to go bang another but now won't make the time to save the marriage.

 

You have her answer TH.

[Cephalopod]

So she made time to go bang another but now won't make the time to save the marriage.

 

You have her answer TH.

 

I saw that also. Yep.

[QuietDan]

I think this is a good baby step. She absolutely has to do the hard work in salvaging this marriage, as Mrs JA says...baby steps.

 

For Ruined:

You CAN'T say things like you are limited on time when it comes to remorse for your actions and taking steps to do your part in the marriage. Learn to multi-task girl. Your husband is giving you a gift that he doesn't think you deserve at the moment. That is mighty generous of him. The gift is to show your worth and remorse in a positive way, don't lose it. If you are frustrated by his questions, or feel low on time or overwhelmed....those are things you can't help... but good lord, don't voice that to the one person who justifiably has no sympathy for it because you DID do it to yourself. Smile and act lovingly towards TH to show that no matter your frustrations you are still wanting to be there, vent to a friend or your mom if you need to.

 

Some books for you both to read if interested:

5 Love Languages

How to help your spouse heal from an affair

Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay

 

Multi-task? It sounds like she was motivated enough to multi-task when she was actively involved with the other man.

[Vincentstreet]

This is going to seem harsh but I must say it like I think it is. I have been here I know.

I have written a similar thing on another thread but I feel i must respond here with my 2 bits!

 

You can sugarcoat this all you want but she is merely in self preservation mode. Even now she wants to reconcile because SHE feels guilty. "SHE" is still in it for her. "SHE" doesn't want to hurt anyone anymore... why? cos "SHE" would look and feel bad.. "SHE" doesn't want to loose her family. Even if she acted like the doting wife she wants you to think she is... its for her. I would challenge anyone who says otherwise. Because SHE wants you back.

How does one live with the thought of her [having an affair] and come back kiss you / kids? It will haunt you for the rest of your life. She knew very well what she could lose. yoo can bet on that she considered the idea of you finding out weighed the options but went ahead.

Sure you can salvage this... but only if you are willing to compromise... Now I don't know what that would teach your kids??? (bear in mind she has already ruined their lives)

Right now she is fearful of losing her comfort zone... she does not respect you. If she did she would not have done what she did.

 

You are going to start to look a whole lot more attractive if you start wearing the pants again and learn to be uncompromising but fair. Be the man you should be. She may even look at you as her protector again. An uncompromising man with principles is hard man to ignore. be decisive despite the hurt. You will get through this. (I know). Old school values will get you serve you well. Do not settle. Your kids will respect you later if you stand your ground calmly with dignity. Fair is fair... she made that decision for you when she defiled her mouth the first time.

Edited May 31, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Texashunter]

On another note we just found out we are having another boy..super excited now..hopefully the high will last