Guilt pulling me down, how to move ahead? [Update:Divorced and further contact after]

[Deepremorse5]

Just so you know. Your husband is doing exactly what I would do. After the divorce I would truly see if my wife still loved me after cheating. If she still tried to get back together with me after the divorce was final.

 

Not knowing your story, if it was a one time mistake or something that went on for months would also play a part.

 

Unfortunately it was 3 month long stupidity on my part.

[drifter777]

Yesterday he called my father to check on my health.

 

It may be a positive indication that he is weakening in his resolve - I don't know. It more likely that it is simply part of the process of him disconnecting from you. It takes a while, however each day that he's gone he moves further away.

[Deepremorse5]

It may be a positive indication that he is weakening in his resolve - I don't know. It more likely that it is simply part of the process of him disconnecting from you. It takes a while, however each day that he's gone he moves further away.

 

Not thinking much about it. Last time when I was admitted at the hospital, he visited the hospital within hours. That gave me too much of false hopes. In the end I got hurt due to my undue expectations. Not repeating the same mistake again. He is a sweet heart. Always cares about everyone. So he called.

 

I am gradually accepting the fact that my marriage is over and the only reason is me. Still not sure why I hurt him.

 

Just trying to fix myself so that I can fight for my husband again. Only thing is word is gradually getting out that we are getting divorced. One of my acquaintance asked if I would be ok if she tries to pursue him. Guess it is going to be a tough ride for me.

 

I am grateful to my in-laws for the support they are extending. Even though they are hurt by my actions but still they have so much love for me. I don't deserve their love at all. Truth be told I am too ashamed to talk with them. My guilt overrides anything by huge margin at this moment.

[Krtk]

I have started writing things that I want to say to my husband in a dairy.

I know your husband avoids taking to you but try to find someway to make that diary reach him. It may not change anything regarding his decision to divorce but at least change his mind set towards you maybe he might think of giving a second chance atleast trying for a period of time but anyway it definitely worth a shot.

[usa1ah]

I truly feel sorry for you. Unlike many wayward spouses, you are taking full responsibility for your actions. There will be brighter days for you. Keep fighting forward till those days come.

[Deepremorse5]

I know your husband avoids taking to you but try to find someway to make that diary reach him. It may not change anything regarding his decision to divorce but at least change his mind set towards you maybe he might think of giving a second chance atleast trying for a period of time but anyway it definitely worth a shot.

 

I will try.

[Deepremorse5]

I truly feel sorry for you. Unlike many wayward spouses, you are taking full responsibility for your actions. There will be brighter days for you. Keep fighting forward till those days come.

 

Not speaking with my husband is very painful. It's impacting me a lot. I am ready to take anything he has to say. I deserve every harsh word. But I know he is not talking because he can't express his anger. He processes things internally. It is also a concern for me. He is not talking about his feelings and emotions with anyone.

[usa1ah]

Not speaking with my husband is very painful. It's impacting me a lot. I am ready to take anything he has to say. I deserve every harsh word. But I know he is not talking because he can't express his anger. He processes things internally. It is also a concern for me. He is not talking about his feelings and emotions with anyone.

 

 

Remember one thing. If you don't reconcile with your husband. Stay away from the OM. He doesn't love you at all. Love protects. He would never have put you in this situation if he loved you. He just wanted sex.

[Cephalopod]

So if the divorce goes through, what happens to you? Are you a marked woman for life? Will you be able to marry again or will you have to go outside your culture to find a husband who will accept you?

[ronisanidiot]

Not speaking with my husband is very painful. It's impacting me a lot. I am ready to take anything he has to say. I deserve every harsh word. But I know he is not talking because he can't express his anger. He processes things internally. It is also a concern for me. He is not talking about his feelings and emotions with anyone.

 

If he can't find an outlet to express his pain, he may just go the other way and follow the pain into darkness. There are a fair # of BH's that opt for a permanent ending of the pain.

 

If I hadn't had kids that needed me....it's quite doubtful I'd have stayed alive.

[alsudduth]

If he can't find an outlet to express his pain, he may just go the other way and follow the pain into darkness. There are a fair # of BH's that opt for a permanent ending of the pain.

 

If I hadn't had kids that needed me....it's quite doubtful I'd have stayed alive.

 

How is this helpful in any way to the OP? She is already distraught over how badly she has hurt her husband (albeit caused by her own actions) that causing her to worry more about things she can not control is not helpful at all.

[aliveagain]

Unfortunately it was 3 month long stupidity on my part.

 

My guess is he will finish what your affair started, the termination of your marriage. Your affair caused a huge imbalance that can never be made right. For men like your husband and myself infidelity is a deal breaker, you knew that though. Just a guess but I think he will probably date and sleep with a few women until he feels he has balanced the scales your 3 months with another man has caused. Again, just an opinion(trying to read his actions), there may be hope for conciliation after that. He's trying to save face, you humiliated him and brought him and his family shame. He must be a very proud man.

[Deepremorse5]

Remember one thing. If you don't reconcile with your husband. Stay away from the OM. He doesn't love you at all. Love protects. He would never have put you in this situation if he loved you. He just wanted sex.

 

I am not going to repeat my mistakes again.

[Deepremorse5]

So if the divorce goes through, what happens to you? Are you a marked woman for life? Will you be able to marry again or will you have to go outside your culture to find a husband who will accept you?

 

Not thinking much about things after divorce. I live in a metropolitan area. So divorce is fine. My husband to a large extent managed to control the damage I have caused to my social standing. But anyway I have decided to fight for him no matter what. However am not going to fight the divorce. Hope he will give a chance.

Edited May 13, 2017 by Deepremorse5

[Mrs. John Adams]

you are going to fight for a man you cheated on with an ex lover....who is divorcing you....and wont even speak to you.

 

How do you plan to fight? I mean...he wont talk to you...he went straight to a lawyer and filed for divorce when he found out you cheated with your ex boyfriend.

 

What do you intend to do?

 

This man ...is finished and disgraced. He wants nothing more to do with you. Why dont you get yourself together....pick yourself up...improve who you are...leave him alone...and get on with your life?

 

I truly do not understand why you are still insisting that you will fight for him.

 

What part of... he doesn't want you at all... do you not understand?

 

Why would you fight for someone who does not want you?

 

Had my husband said i am divorcing you...i want nothing to do with you...I would have respected him and walked away.

[Deepremorse5]

My guess is he will finish what your affair started, the termination of your marriage. Your affair caused a huge imbalance that can never be made right. For men like your husband and myself infidelity is a deal breaker, you knew that though. Just a guess but I think he will probably date and sleep with a few women until he feels he has balanced the scales your 3 months with another man has caused. Again, just an opinion(trying to read his actions), there may be hope for conciliation after that. He's trying to save face, you humiliated him and brought him and his family shame. He must be a very proud man.

 

Technically we are still husband n wife. If he starts sleeping with somene, he is basically cheating on me. But I won't follow legal technicalities hére. Like I have mentioned before he won't have any issue getting the ladies. I have no idea what he is doing now. Not a clue. He had a fwb. I had thought about calling her and asking her if she is in contact with him. Then I thought it was a stupid idea.

[Deepremorse5]

you are going to fight for a man you cheated on with an ex lover....who is divorcing you....and wont even speak to you.

 

How do you plan to fight? I mean...he wont talk to you...he went straight to a lawyer and filed for divorce when he found out you cheated with your ex boyfriend.

 

What do you intend to do?

 

This man ...is finished and disgraced. He wants nothing more to do with you. Why dont you get yourself together....pick yourself up...improve who you are...leave him alone...and get on with your life?

 

I truly do not understand why you are still insisting that you will fight for him.

 

What part of... he doesn't want you at all... do you not understand?

 

Why would you fight for someone who does not want you?

 

Had my husband said i am divorcing you...i want nothing to do with you...I would have respected him and walked away.

 

Not fighting the divorce at all. But I want to fight for him after that. He is not talking because I know if he starts speaking his resolve will disappear. Do I deservethe divorce. Yes. But I want a relationship and rebuild our memories again.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Not fighting the divorce at all. But I want to fight for him after that. He is not talking because I know if he starts speaking his resolve will disappear. Do I deservethe divorce. Yes. But I want a relationship and rebuild our memories again.

 

why? why do you want this man you cheated on with the man you loved before him? why is it so important to you to wait until the divorce is over and try to win him back? why? He does not want you.

 

Is it that you just want to win? Is it that you dont want to be alone?

 

I truly do not understand.

[Deepremorse5]

you are going to fight for a man you cheated on with an ex lover....who is divorcing you....and wont even speak to you.

 

How do you plan to fight? I mean...he wont talk to you...he went straight to a lawyer and filed for divorce when he found out you cheated with your ex boyfriend.

 

What do you intend to do?

 

This man ...is finished and disgraced. He wants nothing more to do with you. Why dont you get yourself together....pick yourself up...improve who you are...leave him alone...and get on with your life?

 

I truly do not understand why you are still insisting that you will fight for him.

 

What part of... he doesn't want you at all... do you not understand?

 

Why would you fight for someone who does not want you?

 

Had my husband said i am divorcing you...i want nothing to do with you...I would have respected him and walked away.

 

 

He had the opportunity to full proof any future relationship. But he has left few doors open. It would be stupid move for me not to try out those doors. But these things will only happen after the divorce is finalised I am working on myself to repair whatever is broken inside me.

[Mrs. John Adams]

He had the opportunity to full proof any future relationship. But he has left few doors open. It would be stupid move for me not to try out those doors. But these things will only happen after the divorce is finalised I am working on myself to repair whatever is broken inside me.

 

ok and how long do you think it will take you to fix what is broken inside you?

 

You can't go to theraoy...your country doesn't have any therapists...so you say

 

You think this forum is going to fix you? You think the people here can make you a better person...a person who won"t cheat?

 

Let's start here...why did you scew the other man? what was in you that allowed you to forsake your marriage vows and disgrace your husband?

 

and after you answer this...tell me...what have you done in the weeks since your affair to improve yourself?

 

and what makes you think that these things will convince your soon to be ex husband that he should place his trust in you?

 

I have been working over thirty years on repairing the damage i caused to my husband and my marriage with ONE sexual encounter...and how many times did you screw your boyfriend? ...but you ...you can repair the damage you have caused in a couple of weeks?

 

I need your secret remedies....we all do..becasue many of us who are here have been trying to heal from infidelity for years.

 

You have gone from a person so deep in despair to a very confident cheating wife who is going to get her husband back...and here i am still trying to forgive myself for what i did to my husband.

 

Good luck to you...I wish you much success....

[Deepremorse5]

Mrs. JA

 

I said I will fight for him, not saying I will win. My chances are next to zero. But I still have faith in the relationship that we had before I strayed. I know that it will never be the same like you mentioned even after 30 years but you created new memories. What you are saying might be true and what I am thinking might be wrong. But I don't want to regret later that I didn't try and simply gave up just because it was an easy way out.

 

I am not sure why in this forum most people insist therapy. It might be a cultural thing. Again I am pretty sure most people who don't have access to therapy also healed from psychological wounds (self inflicted wounds like me).

 

Regarding the question, why I strayed, I don't know yet. One therapist (pseudo therapist) said I didn't find closure with my ex and my husband must be doing something to make me unhappy that I crossed lines. I feel I was just selfish and took things for granted. All these led to me making bad choices.

[road]

There is nothing wrong with a WW wanting to fight for her BH.

 

What is wrong is telling any WS to not fight to save their marriage.

People to easily forget that most WS had no intention to leave their

marriage. They were after some side fun. This is the reality.

 

No one is going to force a BH to not divorce or to divorce his WW

either.

 

Upon D day many a BH's mind is so messed up they don't know if

they are coming or going for six months. Then from the start of the

second six months many BH go through an anger phase. So the OP's

BH may not even be able to talk to his WW for a whole year before

he is capable to talk with his WW.

[merrmeade]

I am trying to remember my thoughts during the affair but I can't seem to remember lot of things. Mostly about how I justified my actions.

Now I don't care what he thinks of me.

Surely you see, Dr, that it was necessary for you to get caught for you even to have these repentant thoughts and feelings—how wonderful your husband is, how stupid your affair was, what a mistake it was, what a con-man your affair partner was, how sorry you are, etc. Now you don't care about your AP, but you certainly did then. And you weren't worried enough about this possibility then.

 

It took the finality of your husband's actions to engender this degree of sorrow in you. I agree that this is not true remorse, but still important is for you to see the dramatic swings between your states of mind at different periods.

 

I'll repeat again: It took the blow of your being caught for you to become sorrowful and introspective. But even now, all of your complaints are about your loss, dread of what will happen to you.

 

While I do not agree with hammering you with everything you "should" have done (it is obvious), I do think it is important for you to realize that it is precisely BECAUSE you were found out that you feel this sadness, anxiety and discomfort and you think that you appreciate your husband so much more than you did. What would you be thinking if you were not found out? You would be going on with life as usual, relieved that he did not find out about your affair. I doubt if you would be praising his qualities or confessing your sins to strangers.

 

There are some situations where I feel a great deal of compassion for wayward, but this is not one of them. All I see is someone who has been exposed and left and who still thinks that what she wants and needs should be important.

 

No, I say accept the reality of what you did and how your husband has reacted. If you are truly remorseful, then you will agree that this is the consequence that you have earned and you will embrace it as your due. You will be glad that you have the opportunity to reflect and recall all the things that you have lost in your marriage and with your husband. You do this for yourself, not as a ploy to get him back. You wish him the best in your heart then you go back to living your own punishment, which is simply the pain and heartache of your loss - but with one more ingredient: humility.

[merrmeade]

I am trying to remember my thoughts during the affair but I can't seem to remember lot of things. Mostly about how I justified my actions.

Now I don't care what he thinks of me.

Surely you see, Dr, that it was necessary for you to get caught for you even to have these repentant thoughts and feelings—how wonderful your husband is, how stupid your affair was, what a con-man your affair partner was, how sorry you are, etc. Now you don't care about your AP, but you certainly did then. And you weren't worried enough about this possibility then.

 

It took the finality of your husband's actions to engender this degree of sorrow in you. I agree that this is not true remorse, but still important is for you to see the dramatic swings between your states of mind at different periods.

 

I'll repeat again: It took the blow of your being caught for you to become sorrowful and introspective. But even now, all of your complaints are about your loss, dread of what will happen to you.

 

While I do not agree with hammering you with everything you "should" have done (it is obvious), I do think it is important for you to realize that it is precisely BECAUSE you were found out that you feel this sadness, anxiety and discomfort and you think that you appreciate your husband so much more than you did. What would you be thinking if you were not found out? You would be going on with life as usual, relieved that he did not find out about your affair. I doubt if you would be praising his qualities or confessing your sins to strangers.

 

There are some situations where I feel a great deal of compassion for wayward, but this is not one of them. All I see is someone who has been exposed and left and who still thinks that what she wants and needs should be important.

 

No, I say accept the reality of what you did and how your husband has reacted. If you are truly remorseful, then you will agree that this is the consequence that you have earned and you will embrace it as your due. You will be glad that you have the opportunity to reflect and recall all the things that you have lost in your marriage and with your husband. You do this for yourself, not as a ploy to get him back. You wish him the best in your heart then you go back to living your own punishment, which is simply the pain and heartache of your loss - but with one more ingredient: humility.

 

I say all of this with no need for cultural relativity. I lived in India with Indians for a total of over 10 years of my life and see no issue relative to culture or religion. The only unique aspect is the fact of your love marriage. I assume that is becoming more accepted large urban areas. As for the apparent finality of your husband's actions, I would think that is more reflective of regional attitudes among Indian men.

 

I wonder how you feel about love marriage vs arranged marriage now? Just curious. I have great respect for the arranged marriage system. When I saw it, it was lovingly and very sensitively done, always with input from the children. And, of course, the couples all grew to love each other in time. The assistance of their carefully considered compatibility only helped.

 

Of course, I don't know if your cheating was necessarily a result of your love marriage. How can we know that? I do know, however, that your apparent remorse is the result of your exposure. I would advise you to stay in that moment and let it have its course. Do not tell yourself you will do anything to get him back but accept your situation and hope that living through this with dignity, acceptance and humility will make you and your situation better in the end.

[Superchicken]

Had my husband said i am divorcing you...i want nothing to do with you...I would have respected him and walked away.

 

No you wouldn't have.

 

 

You would have tried a few more times, and if you still got the same results back, then you would have given up.

But, lets face it, you, me, and so many more would have tried for dear life, to not lose everything without a bit more of a fight.

 

 

However, Deepremorse, your FINAL deal breaker, for most spouses at least, is the fact you got caught while "Still" in an "Active" Affair.

Its one thing to confess, come clean, and allow the spouse to determine the direction he takes. You may have had a chance.

But, its another to keep doing what you were doing, and keep disrespecting him, his family, and his manhood.

You admitted you would have continued the affair if not caught, but hey, you really, and truly loved your husband hmm.

 

 

But, he couldn't take it anymore, and did what he needed to do, to regain what your took from him. He again, can walk with his head high.

 

 

Leave your spouse alone.

If, and that's a slim chance, he ever decides to make any contact, then you may believe you have another chance with him.

But, until then, leave him alone, and restart your new life.

Remember your mistakes, and carry them always so you don't do them again.

 

 

Ted.