Guilt pulling me down, how to move ahead? [Update:Divorced and further contact after]

[Mrs. John Adams]

We seldom talk about the "feelings" the wayward goes through after an affair around here. We tend to concentrate on the Betrayed spouses and rightfully so. One thing I want to point out that i have seen posted here in this thread several times...and it is incorrect.

 

Infidelity is not a mistake. It is a choice....you chose to have sex with another man....regardless of the possiblities of consequences. You were willing to take the risks....willing to feel the guilt...and willing to suffer the loss.

 

The five stages of grief are, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance are a part of the framework that makes up our learning to live with loss. They are tools to help us frame and identify what we may be feeling.

 

Each person processes these stages differently and in their own time. But Waywards certainly go through these same processes.

 

Just as a betrayed has to go through the stages of grief infidelity causes..Waywards also experince sorrow or grief for the things we have lost. Innocence...self respect and sometimes even a marriage...and no matter what we do we can never recapture the loss. Even in death...we do not "get over" the loss of someone....we learn to live with it. You get over a cold...you dont get over the loss of a marriage.

 

Get yourself into therapy to help you process all the things you are going through emotionally...and do your best to think about the pain you have caused others...instead of concentrating on your own pain...right now you are feeling sorry for yourself.

[Bufo]

This forum has helped many people on both sides of the infidelity equation. My one criticism of it is that one gets the sense that many BH's want to reconcile. For the subset that posts here, that is largely true.

 

But there are many for whom a spouse's affair is a deal breaker. And there is nothing the WS can post affair to reconcile the marriage. While I do not blindly accept internet statistics, it seems that most marriages dissolve post affair. Not of those who post here, but in the real world. Hence my critique of the forum.

 

You will read many posts here which provide valuable instruction on reconciliation. But you may not be one of the lucky ones whose BS wants reconciliation.

 

Thus you need to consider your Plan B which concerns what will you do in the absence of reconciliation. I suggest that the first thing to do is to work on yourself so that you may be a safe partner in the future. Second, figure out your living arrangements. You may wish to reconsider his settlement offer.

Third, do not entertain the thought of another relationship unless and until you figure out why your marriage failed--what is within you that made you decide to have an affair.

 

When I say I have a critique of the forum, I am not criticizing it. I am simply attempting to let you know that successful reconciliation is a process that involves two highly motivated people. It does not occur simply because one

Partner highly desires it.

[wmacbride]

I don't think he will come back, and I'm sorry.

 

Please don't hurt yourself. I know you are in extreme emotional pain, but if you do harm yourself, that will also hurt your husband and add guilt to the emotions he's already feeling.

 

For now, you can't reach him, but it sounds like you have some things to say to him. I would suggest to you that you write it all out, not just to express your sorrow, but also as an exercise to help you sort through all your emotions.

 

I would also suggest that you do some work on yourself to figure out why you cheated. Mot cheaters are not terrible people, beyond redemption. Most are decent people who made a series of bad choices. If your husband sees that you are putting in this work, it might not save your marriage, but it will help you and also him. In his case, it will show that you know what you did was wrong and you are trying to put yourself in a place where it will never happen again. It will also show that you have taken responsibility for your actions and are not trying to blame him ( I'm really impressed, by the way, that you have never done that. You are already a it ahead of the game:))

 

As I said, it may not save your marriage, but, in an odd way, it can be a great gift both for him and you as well.

 

Please take care, and if you get to a really bad place again, please get help right away. Yes, you cheated, but that doesn't mean you need to harm yourself.

[deadsoul]

I am sorry you are here. I agree with the other posters that therapy is in order. Find out why you made the choices you did and figure out how you will fix them from this point forward.

 

I think at this point, you can't focus on your husband. Apologies just aren't going to cut it. If you are feeling this, you need to tell him you own your choices and you are going to work on being a better you. And then do it.

 

I can't speak for all of us waywards, but I do believe many of us have a very low self-esteem. We looked outside of ourselves for validation, rather than finding it within. You can't be happy with someone else if you can't be happy with yourself.

 

This is the journey I'm on and it's hard. I realized how much self-hatred I had and my affair just gave me yet another reason to hate myself. Not looking for pity here, but I'm really learning a lot about myself and the choices I made.

 

Work on you. Hopefully your husband will see that and then be open to reconciliation. If not, you are going to have to accept it as one of the many horrible consequences of our actions and vow to live each day as a better person.

 

Please take care and keep posting here. It really does help.

[Clay]

I am sorry you are here. In some cultures infidelity is treated more harshly than in others. If you are not going to get forgiveness from your husband then you will need to forgive yourself. EVERYONE has made mistakes.....EVERYONE.

 

Mistake is something you don't intend on doing. Infidelity is a choice. Its a conscious decision. I would be more sympathetic if someone just said I screwed up. I know what I was doing and I was wrong for doing it. To often people like to minimalize there actions. Like is someway just saying it wasn't that bad really makes it not that bad.

 

 

I think this line of thinking is a serious discredit for the people that really see what they have done and try to change it.

 

 

OP good for you for coming forward. I hope you seek out counseling. I would not focus on your stbxH. I would just let him move in his direction and not fight him in the divorce.

 

 

C

[Trtroles]

Dont think bad about me but where was your Affair partner when you went to Hospital ???

 

All your friends and Family was there,suporting you,taking care of you.

 

Your Affair Partner wanted only ONE thing and that is ... well you know what.

 

I wish your Husband find the strenght and move one. He deserves better.

[JuneL]

You have already hurt your husband much by having an affair. Please don't hurt him (and others) more by harming yourself. Take responsibility of your own actions and face the consequences in a mature manner.

Edited May 7, 2017 by JuneL

[Just a Guy]

Hi Deepremorse, I guess we are all sorry to see you here. Sadly, this forum is biased in favour of the Western model of marital relationships and since you are from India only a few of the folks on here will be able to identify culturally, with your predicament. That is not to say that the fundamentals of infidelity do not remain the same, they do but the way they are handled and the way people react are certainly different. In the west, overall people are more liberal minded and possibly tolerant and forgiving, if there are extenuating circumstances. In India which is much more conservative, this can be difficult.

 

If I may ask, could you tell me whether you are a Hindu or from another religion? Are you and your husband from the same religion or was it an inter faith marriage? Was your marriage the result of a love affair or was it an arranged marriage? Was your affair partner also a married man or was he a bachelor? Was he a colleague of yours in the same office or was he an outsider? You said that he was an ex boyfriend. If that was so why did you not marry him if you truly loved him? I am assuming that you still had strong feelings for himwhich led to the affair. Answers to some of these questions would help the good folk on here to better address your dilemma and give you advice which can help you address your problems better.

 

From what you have written it seems to me that your husband held fidelity as something sacred and by your having desecrated that belief, he probably finds it impossible to forgive you or take you back. Also, he probably thinks that he is attractive to any number of girls, anyone of which would be true to him so why should he have to take you back knowing that you cheated on him? There is a saying in English which states" You have to lie on the bed that you made for yourself". I guess that the sooner you realize and accept that your husband is lost to you forever, the sooner you will start recovering from this awful situation that you have brought upon your self. As Mrs. John Adams said cheating is a choice and not a mistake. Choices have consequences and what you are facing right now are the consequences of your bad choices. If you are a spiritual person, pray to the Almighty to forgive you and to help you pass through this bleak period in your life with dignity and grace. There is a psalm in the Bible which, if you are familiar with that Holy Book states in one of it's verses" Yea though I walk through the valley of death, I will fear no evil, for thy rod and thy staff will comfort me". It is the 23rd psalm in the Book of Psalms and is an inspiration for any one facing life and death situations. Try and read it. Wish you all the very best and a wholesome solution to your dilemma. Warm wishes.

[lolablue17]

If it's only guilt, well, there's no problem. You took the wrong path, and you got your punishment - Divorce. It should take away most of the guilt. But I suspect that the guilt takes only a minor part in your misery.

 

If it was guilt you wouldn't want to contact him, because the "no contact" situation helps him to heal from his pain. When you try to contact him, you show that you don't care much about his pain. I suspect that you mostly feel sorry for what you lost.

 

You approve this by honestly admitting that the affair would have been still going on, if he didn't catch you. So actually you have gambled and lost. You now feel the sense of failure. Not guilt. Again... If it's guilt, don't worry, problem is already solved.

[afoolto no end]

I think you agree to what he wants and make this as easy as you can for him.

As far as you two getting back together, no one knows that answer right now.

If I were you I would do everything in my power to help him, if this is the way he wants it that is what you do for him.

He said he would talk after the divorce is final, in the meantime you make yourself the best you you can be and maybe he will see or hear about the changes in you for the better.......

He needs time, when someone you love betrays you like this it's all you can do to hold on .......he needs the time he is asking for.......

Remember this, this man loved you, and he still does......if you can show him the woman that knows her choices did this and that you have changed he may reconsider but maybe he is done......

All you can do is give him what he wants right now and see what happens when the time has passed.......

I really hope he can see the woman he thinks he married again at some point.

Call his lawyer and accept the offer and tell the lawyer your grateful and your very sorry for what you did, but you love him enough to end the marriage.

[understand50]

I have been thinking about what I did. How can I do such a thing. My husband gets lot of female attention. He carries that quiet mysterious vibe that draws in women. Even my friends had crush on him before we got together. So I was always jealous.

This worries me. I can never see him with other girl. If he moves on while I am still madly in love with him, I am not sure what will happen to me.

 

Deepremorse5,

 

I always start by writing to a "new" Wayward Spouse", that they are not in control, it is up to the betrayed spouse on what will happen going forward. In this case your soon to EX husband, has decided not to give you a 2nd chance. That is his decision to make, and you must accept it. I understand you are hurting, and wish you could just wake up with this all undone, but this is not the case. It is real, and the best thing you can do is to accept responsibility for your actions. They are your actions, for you decided to cheat.

 

Another thought, that may give you some comfort, is as you still love your husband, you will accept his decision. It is the last loving thing you can do for him. Show him what he means to you, by letting him go. You have forfeited your honor, and must regain it. You can, by now acting honorably with the divorce. Muster your courage, and self respect. Act, like a loving spouse once again.

 

I would not offer any hope, but if there is any slim chance of him reconciling with you, it will be by you showing that you can be an adult, that you know what true remorse is. At its core, remorse means you place the needs of your injured husband above your own, and take on any discomfort, embarrassment, shame, security and loss of secrecy, that is needed to repair your and theirs relationship. He needs this, to show remorse, you must let him have this. You may not have a marriage left, but you can have a chance to say you are sorry.

 

 

There are links on Loveshack, that may help if you are interested, let me know and I will post them.

 

I wish you luck, and hope you begin to heal soon.

[drifter777]

You admit you would likely have continued cheating. This is proof positive that you don't know what the word remorse means. What you are feeling is regret. You regret you got caught. You regret hurting your husband. You regret that you underestimated the severity of his response. And you regret how much shame the discovery has caused you.

 

Remorse requires an understanding of the pain you have caused your husband and that takes time, education, and experience. Maybe someday the fear and regret you feel right now will give way remorse.

[Mrs. John Adams]

You admit you would likely have continued cheating. This is proof positive that you don't know what the word remorse means. What you are feeling is regret. You regret you got caught. You regret hurting your husband. You regret that you underestimated the severity of his response. And you regret how much shame the discovery has caused you.

 

Remorse requires an understanding of the pain you have caused your husband and that takes time, education, and experience. Maybe someday the fear and regret you feel right now will give way remorse.

 

she has no clue..

 

what she is feeling is guilt

 

remorse will never come for this one...ever

 

She feels sorry for herself and the loss she suffers.

 

It is all about her loss...not his

 

 

i understand that her religion...her culture has a lot to do with her predicurement....

 

her husband is finished. She has shamed him...there will be no forgiveness...no reconciliation.

 

She needs to learn WHY she allowed herself to cheat...and become a better woman before her next marriage.

 

She can heal...she can improve...but this marriage is over

[drifter777]

Hope there are no kids...

[Deepremorse5]

Thanks everyone for the comments. Regarding divorce, I am not going to drag him by fighting. I just want to meet him to apologise for all the pain I have caused. I know that it's not enough. But I just want to ask him for a opportunity for me to work from ground after divorce.

 

I was with my ex bf/ affair partner for 4 years age 21 - 25. I wanted to get married in a year or two but he was not mentally prepared for same. So we broke up. I transferred to another city and met my husband there. We dated for 2 years before getting married. Now I am 29. When I moved after the break up, I left my friends and family behind. After marriage my husband suggested to move back as my social circle was limited. When I transferred back, I again came in contact with my ex again but I had put boundries. But gradually things moved in different direction.

 

Any day my husband is far more better than my ex. Though counselling in not that common. But I have visited two. The thing is he has always put my needs in every aspect ahead of his yet I returned the favour with grand betrayal. Not sure if I can live with so much guilt. My judgement is too clouded at the moment to say anything.

 

We don't have kids.

[Deepremorse5]

Now I look back, during the affair I was mad at my husband for petty things. I guess it was a weird way for my stupid self to justify my actions. One day husband sat me down and asked if he doing anything wrong or that I want something more. I guess I was just a opportunist that time to blame him for the situation.

 

Deep down I always knew that I will get caught. My husband is way too intelligent to be kept in dark. Now that I look back I can't remember what I was thinking that time.

[Deepremorse5]

We seldom talk about the "feelings" the wayward goes through after an affair around here. We tend to concentrate on the Betrayed spouses and rightfully so. One thing I want to point out that i have seen posted here in this thread several times...and it is incorrect.

 

Infidelity is not a mistake. It is a choice....you chose to have sex with another man....regardless of the possiblities of consequences. You were willing to take the risks....willing to feel the guilt...and willing to suffer the loss.

 

The five stages of grief are, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance are a part of the framework that makes up our learning to live with loss. They are tools to help us frame and identify what we may be feeling.

 

Each person processes these stages differently and in their own time. But Waywards certainly go through these same processes.

 

Just as a betrayed has to go through the stages of grief infidelity causes..Waywards also experince sorrow or grief for the things we have lost. Innocence...self respect and sometimes even a marriage...and no matter what we do we can never recapture the loss. Even in death...we do not "get over" the loss of someone....we learn to live with it. You get over a cold...you dont get over the loss of a marriage.

 

Get yourself into therapy to help you process all the things you are going through emotionally...and do your best to think about the pain you have caused others...instead of concentrating on your own pain...right now you are feeling sorry for yourself.

 

I am willing to take the entire burden of my mess if he gives me the opportunity. But under current circumstances I have with me only the old me that way too messed up.

[Deepremorse5]

Hi Deepremorse, I guess we are all sorry to see you here. Sadly, this forum is biased in favour of the Western model of marital relationships and since you are from India only a few of the folks on here will be able to identify culturally, with your predicament. That is not to say that the fundamentals of infidelity do not remain the same, they do but the way they are handled and the way people react are certainly different. In the west, overall people are more liberal minded and possibly tolerant and forgiving, if there are extenuating circumstances. In India which is much more conservative, this can be difficult.

 

If I may ask, could you tell me whether you are a Hindu or from another religion? Are you and your husband from the same religion or was it an inter faith marriage? Was your marriage the result of a love affair or was it an arranged marriage? Was your affair partner also a married man or was he a bachelor? Was he a colleague of yours in the same office or was he an outsider? You said that he was an ex boyfriend. If that was so why did you not marry him if you truly loved him? I am assuming that you still had strong feelings for himwhich led to the affair. Answers to some of these questions would help the good folk on here to better address your dilemma and give you advice which can help you address your problems better.

 

From what you have written it seems to me that your husband held fidelity as something sacred and by your having desecrated that belief, he probably finds it impossible to forgive you or take you back. Also, he probably thinks that he is attractive to any number of girls, anyone of which would be true to him so why should he have to take you back knowing that you cheated on him? There is a saying in English which states" You have to lie on the bed that you made for yourself". I guess that the sooner you realize and accept that your husband is lost to you forever, the sooner you will start recovering from this awful situation that you have brought upon your self. As Mrs. John Adams said cheating is a choice and not a mistake. Choices have consequences and what you are facing right now are the consequences of your bad choices. If you are a spiritual person, pray to the Almighty to forgive you and to help you pass through this bleak period in your life with dignity and grace. There is a psalm in the Bible which, if you are familiar with that Holy Book states in one of it's verses" Yea though I walk through the valley of death, I will fear no evil, for thy rod and thy staff will comfort me". It is the 23rd psalm in the Book of Psalms and is an inspiration for any one facing life and death situations. Try and read it. Wish you all the very best and a wholesome solution to your dilemma. Warm wishes.

 

We are both Hindu. Ours was love marriage.

I am worried about his well being. He has left his job. His close friends are not aware of divorce. He has asked his family not to interfere. I want him to talk with someone to find support. Only his best friend knows about the situation but he has not spoken to him in last 2 weeks. Now he is living in a different city for sure . Only his lawyer knows which city he is in. Came to hospital with in hours of knowing I was hospitalised. Refused to talk about anything but my health during his stay at hospital.

[Deepremorse5]

Dont think bad about me but where was your Affair partner when you went to Hospital ???

 

All your friends and Family was there,suporting you,taking care of you.

 

Your Affair Partner wanted only ONE thing and that is ... well you know what.

 

I wish your Husband find the strenght and move one. He deserves better.

 

I wish I can say that you are wrong. Even though I always resisted the physical aspect he forced me and my defences got bulldozed. Not sure what happened to him, but my bff mentioned that he left job the very next day and moved out of this city.

Edited May 8, 2017 by Deepremorse5

[Just a Guy]

Hi Deepremorse, with what you have revealed further in your posts, I can only say that you have worked yourself into a corner from which it is going to be very difficult for you to move out. I cannot imagine how, at your age and with the expected maturity levels that you should have had, you did what you have done. From what you have written your husband seems fabulous and not like most Indian Hindu husbands. Most men in your husband's place would expect their wives to be subservient to them even in this day and age. Your husband seems to have been a very enlightened man putting your needs and concerns ahead of his own. I just cannot begin to understand how you could convince yourself to cheat on a person like this. I wonder if you are an only child of your parents and have been spoiled silly?

 

Having said this I have also to say that both of you seem to be from a new generation of Indians who are Westernized and have a modern and liberated view of relationships and things in general. I presume you have a job or, at least, are qualified to work in the corporate world. That being so all I can say is that you now pick yourself up and get some counselling from a psychologist who specializes in personality problems and faulty traits which can lead to such catastrophic relational disasters. If you live in one of the metros I am sure you will find such people if you google them. Marriage counselling may seem a lost cause now that your husband has initiated divorce proceedings but it may still help you individually to realize where you messed up and how to avoid such pitfalls in the future. Luckily for you, divorce is not such a bad word in India these days and hopefully, you will be able to find someone else who will give you a chance at marital happiness. Have you cut off your relationship with your affair partner and if not, why not? Did you tell him that your marriage has floundered because of the affair that you two had? Had you ever told your husband about this ex BF of yours while you were still true to him? It seems your husband must have had his suspicions and had employed a Private Investigator to trail you and find out the gruesome details of your betrayal. That is why he had pictures which dated from a month ago at the time of your D Day. You need to find out how and why you could do this to someone who cared so much for you. My own opinion is that yours is a lost cause and the sooner you reconcile with that fact the better for you. Warm wishes.

[Deepremorse5]

Hi Deepremorse, with what you have revealed further in your posts, I can only say that you have worked yourself into a corner from which it is going to be very difficult for you to move out. I cannot imagine how, at your age and with the expected maturity levels that you should have had, you did what you have done. From what you have written your husband seems fabulous and not like most Indian Hindu husbands. Most men in your husband's place would expect their wives to be subservient to them even in this day and age. Your husband seems to have been a very enlightened man putting your needs and concerns ahead of his own. I just cannot begin to understand how you could convince yourself to cheat on a person like this. I wonder if you are an only child of your parents and have been spoiled silly?

 

Having said this I have also to say that both of you seem to be from a new generation of Indians who are Westernized and have a modern and liberated view of relationships and things in general. I presume you have a job or, at least, are qualified to work in the corporate world. That being so all I can say is that you now pick yourself up and get some counselling from a psychologist who specializes in personality problems and faulty traits which can lead to such catastrophic relational disasters. If you live in one of the metros I am sure you will find such people if you google them. Marriage counselling may seem a lost cause now that your husband has initiated divorce proceedings but it may still help you individually to realize where you messed up and how to avoid such pitfalls in the future. Luckily for you, divorce is not such a bad word in India these days and hopefully, you will be able to find someone else who will give you a chance at marital happiness. Have you cut off your relationship with your affair partner and if not, why not? Did you tell him that your marriage has floundered because of the affair that you two had? Had you ever told your husband about this ex BF of yours while you were still true to him? It seems your husband must have had his suspicions and had employed a Private Investigator to trail you and find out the gruesome details of your betrayal. That is why he had pictures which dated from a month ago at the time of your D Day. You need to find out how and why you could do this to someone who cared so much for you. My own opinion is that yours is a lost cause and the sooner you reconcile with that fact the better for you. Warm wishes.

 

Yes I am the only child. But my parents taught me well. Tend to consider my cousins as my siblings.

My husband takes his nature from my father in law.

My husband has changed me a lot. I can'tunderstand how I could be so stupid. I want to grow old with him. He has always told me that he will be always by my side no matter what. I guess I ruined that pure and honest relationship. Took things for granted. Paying the price.

[Deepremorse5]

I had considered leaving my job after marriage. But stayed as I wanted to keep myself engaged. My husband and his family encouraged me to keep it. Should have left it as I had thought about crashing into my ex. Then I thought I will manage as I was strong. Guess I wasn't strong enough.

Since my dday I have not contacted him or he has contacted me. Got to know he has left the job the very next day and left the city. Not sure what happened.

[Deepremorse5]

Hi Deepremorse, with what you have revealed further in your posts, I can only say that you have worked yourself into a corner from which it is going to be very difficult for you to move out. I cannot imagine how, at your age and with the expected maturity levels that you should have had, you did what you have done. From what you have written your husband seems fabulous and not like most Indian Hindu husbands. Most men in your husband's place would expect their wives to be subservient to them even in this day and age. Your husband seems to have been a very enlightened man putting your needs and concerns ahead of his own. I just cannot begin to understand how you could convince yourself to cheat on a person like this. I wonder if you are an only child of your parents and have been spoiled silly?

 

Having said this I have also to say that both of you seem to be from a new generation of Indians who are Westernized and have a modern and liberated view of relationships and things in general. I presume you have a job or, at least, are qualified to work in the corporate world. That being so all I can say is that you now pick yourself up and get some counselling from a psychologist who specializes in personality problems and faulty traits which can lead to such catastrophic relational disasters. If you live in one of the metros I am sure you will find such people if you google them. Marriage counselling may seem a lost cause now that your husband has initiated divorce proceedings but it may still help you individually to realize where you messed up and how to avoid such pitfalls in the future. Luckily for you, divorce is not such a bad word in India these days and hopefully, you will be able to find someone else who will give you a chance at marital happiness. Have you cut off your relationship with your affair partner and if not, why not? Did you tell him that your marriage has floundered because of the affair that you two had? Had you ever told your husband about this ex BF of yours while you were still true to him? It seems your husband must have had his suspicions and had employed a Private Investigator to trail you and find out the gruesome details of your betrayal. That is why he had pictures which dated from a month ago at the time of your D Day. You need to find out how and why you could do this to someone who cared so much for you. My own opinion is that yours is a lost cause and the sooner you reconcile with that fact the better for you. Warm wishes.

 

Yes I had mentioned about my ex bf. We had discussed about our past relationships with each other.

[Krtk]

I cheated on my husband of 2 years. We were together for 4 years. He has initiated the divorce proceedings. But I am having a hard time forgiving myself. Not sure if I would ever get out of this mess. I never got to speak with him after d day. I just once want the opportunity to speak with him. I have been waiting for him to just say something since d day happened 2 months back. I have this unimaginable pain inside me that is pulling me down. The guilt is too heavy for me to carry. Not sure what I am going to do next. Need some help from this community to help me cope with the situation.

 

I'm from India as well. I can understand what you are going through right now. Well speaking with the details your given it's quite obvious you took your husband for granted. First thing you shouldn't let your ex to interfere in your life again you know you have a history with him comeon 4 yrs of relationship in no joke and even after that he can't commit to get married to you and then the in love with him part you stated for your husband that love comes into play only after you get caught. And as you said you would have most likely continued your affair if your not caught so that shows it.both you and your ex both are cunning on your needs on your own ways you want him in your life despite being married like you said you showed resistance on physical part but what about the emotional state why you let him get to your head. Your ex is pretty cleaver not committed to you he just sees you as a good lay. And your husband not contacting you it's because he still loves you he knows he can still fall for you so he made a conscious effort to avoid it before divorce to safe guard him from further damage to himself. Overall he wants to move on doesn't want R the only thing you can do is work on your self and hope for a miracle if by any means your husband giving you a second chance. Just curious you said it's 2 months after Dday does you ex contacted you for anything like he wants you back in his life like if he has any real feelings for you.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Deepremorse, further to what I had posted above, I have to say that I think you have hurt your husband deeply and now it is just not possible for him to take you back in his life. If you knew that you would run into your ex BF if you joined work then you should have stayed away from working or, at least taken up a job with another company but not the one where he was working. Somebody suggested that if you truly love your husband then you should let him go gracefully and let him be at peace. If he comes face to face with you he may feel traumatized and you will get to see the pain that you have caused him. He may not want to be vulnerable in front of you. That may be the reason he is avoiding you and will continue to avoid you. This also means that he that he still cares for you but the love and caring has been tainted by what you have done. Sometimes love can turn to hate. These two emotions are two sides of the same coin. It is best that you continue giving him his space and not try and contact him. Maybe in the future when the time is right you may try and meet him and apologize to him for having hurt him so badly. The other way you could do it is write him a heartfelt letter and hand it over to his lawyer to give to him. That way you know your letter will reach him. However, if you do that do not plead in it that you want him to give you another chance. Just apologize to him for the horrible thing you have done to him and ask him to forgive you if he can. That is all. Warm wishes.