Author Deepremorse5 Posted May 15, 2017 Author Share Posted May 15, 2017 Mrs and Mr JA Thanks for sharing your experiences and support. Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted May 15, 2017 Share Posted May 15, 2017 He sounds like a decisive man who has been shamed and disgraced in his culture and he is removing you from his life. Not to belabor the point but - most BH feel shamed & disgraced regardless of the particular culture he is part of... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted May 15, 2017 Share Posted May 15, 2017 Hi Deep remorse, I wanted to suggest that you read the threads by DKT3 and LovinDKT3 as they took a path similar to what you and your husband seem to be on. It was the the tremendous amount of work that LovinDKT3 put in that convinced DKT3 to re marry her and their example may prove to be an inspiration for you and you may also learn some valuable lessons from their story. Hope it does help you. Warm wishes. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted May 15, 2017 Share Posted May 15, 2017 Not to belabor the point but - most BH feel shamed & disgraced regardless of the particular culture he is part of... Yes you are correct ... however some countries are even less tolerant. I am not from India but she has stated that this is the case. Just a guy ... I was thinking about the same couple you recommended when I made my post... but they did have a child which I s why I said what I did. I think having children helps in reconciliation... it if course depends on the couple. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Deepremorse5 Posted May 16, 2017 Author Share Posted May 16, 2017 Hi Deep remorse, I wanted to suggest that you read the threads by DKT3 and LovinDKT3 as they took a path similar to what you and your husband seem to be on. It was the the tremendous amount of work that LovinDKT3 put in that convinced DKT3 to re marry her and their example may prove to be an inspiration for you and you may also learn some valuable lessons from their story. Hope it does help you. Warm wishes. I have read about them. Like I said before I have been lurking here for a month or so before I started posting here. Trying to learn from others experiences. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Deepremorse5 Posted May 16, 2017 Author Share Posted May 16, 2017 (edited) I am yet to speak with my husband, and it is hurting me. I have accepted the fact that my marriage is over. But I am yet to accept that he doesn't want to see me or hear my voice. Edited May 16, 2017 by Deepremorse5 Link to post Share on other sites
Krtk Posted May 16, 2017 Share Posted May 16, 2017 I am yet to speak with my husband, and it is hurting me. I have accepted the fact that my marriage is over. But I am yet to accept that he doesn't want to see me or hear my voice. You're husband seeems determined to move on. I'm surprised he didn't even want a closure before divorce maybe he knows what he needs to know maybe because it's your ex you done this with is more then enough for him not wanting any details anyway what is the state of your divorce now. I mean he should visit the court right atleast to meet him that's the only possible way you have to see him now what about the diary did you tried to give him by any means. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Deepremorse5 Posted May 16, 2017 Author Share Posted May 16, 2017 (edited) You're husband seeems determined to move on. I'm surprised he didn't even want a closure before divorce maybe he knows what he needs to know maybe because it's your ex you done this with is more then enough for him not wanting any details anyway what is the state of your divorce now. I mean he should visit the court right atleast to meet him that's the only possible way you have to see him now what about the diary did you tried to give him by any means. The only consolation for me is I am yet to receive notice for First motion hearing before the start of 6 months reconciliation period. Not sure why he is delaying. I am yet to send it. Can't figure it out how to send it. His lawyer refuses to accept anything from me. I have written a timeline too. Edited May 16, 2017 by Deepremorse5 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Deepremorse5 Posted May 16, 2017 Author Share Posted May 16, 2017 How to mentally prepare that he will date other girls ? It is going to kill me knowing that he has started seeing others , I can totally avoid him but at the same time I want to fight. Conflicted. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Deepremorse5 Posted May 16, 2017 Author Share Posted May 16, 2017 You're husband seeems determined to move on. I'm surprised he didn't even want a closure before divorce maybe he knows what he needs to know maybe because it's your ex you done this with is more then enough for him not wanting any details anyway what is the state of your divorce now. I mean he should visit the court right atleast to meet him that's the only possible way you have to see him now what about the diary did you tried to give him by any means. Not wanting to meet me might be a reason for him to delay the divorce process. Link to post Share on other sites
Krtk Posted May 16, 2017 Share Posted May 16, 2017 How to mentally prepare that he will date other girls ? It is going to kill me knowing that he has started seeing others , I can totally avoid him but at the same time I want to fight. Conflicted. To be honest it will hurt the one's supposed to be yours is no more yours surely is painful but remember you created this mess you have to bear it. if he's going to date other girls what you can do is nothing really you losed you say but don't think too much, legally you're not divorced yet. You can neither avoid it or turn blind eye but you said you're going to fight for him I don't know how but if that's the case you can't do either of it just have to go on with the flow. But you're still young can do lots of things other then thinking about it engage yourself in something that can bring you happiness. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Krtk Posted May 16, 2017 Share Posted May 16, 2017 Not wanting to meet me might be a reason for him to delay the divorce process. Maybe it's true but you'll never know no one knows what he's thinking what he's doing what's on his mind all words regarding him are just assumptions he never said it. So don't have your hopes high or low maybe he's unsure of what he wants maybe he wants to give time to himself to figure it out whatever it is. He may never wants you again he may give you another chance it's all assumption. So just give it time and take it an opportunity to work on yourself and think how you can better yourself before you present the new you in front of him how you're going to move forward is vital here. Remember he is not in love with you.so you have to start from scratch again but be determined to build what you shattered the trust the love everything you both had once. And also if you get a chance to talk to him what would you say to him to make him believe you're worth of another chance why do you think he should give you another chance if you're not sure leave it. Link to post Share on other sites
Krtk Posted May 16, 2017 Share Posted May 16, 2017 I am yet to send it. Can't figure it out how to send it. His lawyer refuses to accept anything from me. I have written a timeline too. Other than his lawyer does he have contact to anyone, what about your in laws are they mad at you if not ask them as a one last favor. Link to post Share on other sites
Betrayed&Stayed Posted May 16, 2017 Share Posted May 16, 2017 How to mentally prepare that he will date other girls ? It is going to kill me knowing that he has started seeing others , I can totally avoid him but at the same time I want to fight. Conflicted. Now you have a small glimpse of how he feels. While you are forecasting future situations, He KNOWs that you have already done this... at his expense. He even has pictures of you enjoying the dating experience. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted May 16, 2017 Share Posted May 16, 2017 Until your served there is always hope, sometimes silence is a good thing, lets people think as they cool down. Be willing to accept his need for a polygraph now or any other time in the future, offer him a brutal postnuptial agreement giving him most of the marital assets if you cheat again. Those two items might be enough to get you a second chance. You are hurt just thinking about him with another woman, you will know his pain after it actually happens, hope you can handle it. Have your true answer for his why question when it comes, that could make the difference between reconciliation an divorce. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted May 16, 2017 Share Posted May 16, 2017 why? why do you want this man you cheated on with the man you loved before him? why is it so important to you to wait until the divorce is over and try to win him back? why? He does not want you. Is it that you just want to win? Is it that you dont want to be alone? I truly do not understand. She cannot handle someone dumping her. How dare he? It is damaging to her self image and she has to fix it. Entitlement and selfishness. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Deepremorse5 Posted May 17, 2017 Author Share Posted May 17, 2017 I am yet to send it. Can't figure it out how to send it. His lawyer refuses to accept anything from me. I have written a timeline too. Other than his lawyer does he have contact to anyone, what about your in laws are they mad at you if not ask them as a one last favor. I don't want to deceive/manipulate him just to make the dairy reach him. Hard lessons learnt in last 2 months after losing him. Not doing anything beyond things we have agreed upon for the divorce. He asked for no contact, I have to comply to that. I have tried to push the dairy and timeline with details via his lawyer but he refused. Also my in-laws have told me that they will try to arrange a meeting between us. But ball in now in his court. Hope he will give me a chance to at-least apologize. But I am not sure if I would be able to look into his eyes. Carrying too much shame with me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Deepremorse5 Posted May 17, 2017 Author Share Posted May 17, 2017 Now you have a small glimpse of how he feels. While you are forecasting future situations, He KNOWs that you have already done this... at his expense. He even has pictures of you enjoying the dating experience. Bad karma. Will learn and try to be a better person hence forth. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Deepremorse5 Posted May 17, 2017 Author Share Posted May 17, 2017 (edited) Until your served there is always hope, sometimes silence is a good thing, lets people think as they cool down. Be willing to accept his need for a polygraph now or any other time in the future, offer him a brutal post-nuptial agreement giving him most of the marital assets if you cheat again. Those two items might be enough to get you a second chance. You are hurt just thinking about him with another woman, you will know his pain after it actually happens, hope you can handle it. Have your true answer for his why question when it comes, that could make the difference between reconciliation an divorce. I don't have my answer yet, still trying to find the answer. Had a bad experience with counselling yesterday where she was too much focused on issues my husband had in meeting my emotional needs. Thing is my husband processes things internally. He is not speaking with anyone about his feelings. Not even his parents. I am concerned about him. I am willing to do anything he asks for. Edited May 17, 2017 by Deepremorse5 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted May 17, 2017 Share Posted May 17, 2017 I don't have my answer yet, still trying to find the answer. Had a bad experience with counselling yesterday where she was too much focused on issues my husband had in meeting my emotional needs. Thing is my husband processes things internally. He is not speaking with anyone about his feelings. Not even his parents. I am concerned about him. I am willing to do anything he asks for. If you have not talked to him...you have no idea who he is talking to...SO don't waste your time trying to figure out his emotional state....or who he is confiding in. Perhaps..you need to listen to the therapist....she obviously is trying to figure out what makes you tick....and she has to start somewhere. If you are willing to do anything he asks for...then he has asked for a divorce and for you to not contact him. In other words...leave me alone. I understand you want to "explain" to him your infidelity. YOu want to tell him you know you did a bad thing.... I dont know if it is to clear your conscience or what....but i really dont think it has anything to do with him. YOu are focued on what you want...instead of what he needs. Which is telling me..you still dont get it it...and i wish you could just get yourself better. Let me ask you something....are you a controlling person? Do you always have to be in charge? Link to post Share on other sites
wmacbride Posted May 17, 2017 Share Posted May 17, 2017 op, I know coming on here can be really helpful, but take everything said with a grain of salt. No one is here knows the full story of your situation, and we are ( for the most part) not trained therapists. It sounds like you have one, and if you feel like you can trust him or her, then I would turn to them to help you explore your situation more thoroughly. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Deepremorse5 Posted May 17, 2017 Author Share Posted May 17, 2017 If you have not talked to him...you have no idea who he is talking to...SO don't waste your time trying to figure out his emotional state....or who he is confiding in. Perhaps..you need to listen to the therapist....she obviously is trying to figure out what makes you tick....and she has to start somewhere. If you are willing to do anything he asks for...then he has asked for a divorce and for you to not contact him. In other words...leave me alone. I understand you want to "explain" to him your infidelity. YOu want to tell him you know you did a bad thing.... I dont know if it is to clear your conscience or what....but i really dont think it has anything to do with him. YOu are focued on what you want...instead of what he needs. Which is telling me..you still dont get it it...and i wish you could just get yourself better. Let me ask you something....are you a controlling person? Do you always have to be in charge? I know I am still selfish. I want him to forgive me after everything I have done. It is going to take some time before I switch off my emotions. It's really hard. Every poster I have read here at least got to say something to their betrayed spouse. I have this massive burden with me. I have already accepted divorce. Accepting complete NC for a long duration is something I am still working on. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted May 17, 2017 Share Posted May 17, 2017 I know I am still selfish. I want him to forgive me after everything I have done. It is going to take some time before I switch off my emotions. It's really hard. Every poster I have read here at least got to say something to their betrayed spouse. I have this massive burden with me. I have already accepted divorce. Accepting complete NC for a long duration is something I am still working on. But some of the things they got to say were not pretty. You seem to think that if you get to speak with him that it will be unburdening and that he will forgive you. Forgiveness many times has to be earned.. and often times just saying I am sorry is not enough. I hope you get to speak to him.. I hope you get forgiveness. But I think the forgiveness you need to be searching for is within yourself. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Deepremorse5 Posted May 17, 2017 Author Share Posted May 17, 2017 op, I know coming on here can be really helpful, but take everything said with a grain of salt. No one is here knows the full story of your situation, and we are ( for the most part) not trained therapists. It sounds like you have one, and if you feel like you can trust him or her, then I would turn to them to help you explore your situation more thoroughly. I don't have confidence in my therapist. I feel she is more focused on my husband's emotional expressions. Kind of blaming him for the affair. That is what I want to avoid. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Krtk Posted May 17, 2017 Share Posted May 17, 2017 I don't have confidence in my therapist. I feel she is more focused on my husband's emotional expressions. Kind of blaming him for the affair. That is what I want to avoid. Blaming him for your affair is not fair as far as what you said here he has nothing to do with your affair it's full and full your selfishness and you're the one to blame. So what you discussed with her to get her blame your husband like you have any major problem with him prior to the affair Link to post Share on other sites
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