A letter to my Wayward Husband

[Mrscommited]

IMHO, you're way past the time where your WS should have had the fog lifted, start to realize what they've done, and be right there with you in the healing process. In my case, it took a few weeks; but I think that was pretty fast; it was a short A and the situation between us wasn't anything like it is in some cases, we had a happy marriage that just fell apart for a few months.

 

Thanks. He is very attentive and devoted and lot of time to me. And he expresses a lot of remorse and regret. He also has withdrawn all the negative things he said about me and the marriage when in the fog. But yeh, this was a prolonged affair with a long slow death and I think he's just starting to analyse his choices.

I've done so much grieving and anger processing alone and now need him to join me in making things better. And he is trying. Last night was a setback. He'd had a few drinks too many and was in self flaggelation mode. Very tedious.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Last night WH was again wailing about what a terrible, awful thing he's done, how he had the perfect life and couldn't stop the affair until he'd destroyed it all. How the road back is long and treacherous etc. And worst of all how He'd fallen in love with the OW.

 

Meanwhile I'm sitting there sobbing and getting no emotional support whatsoever. Now I know the remorse is essential and perhaps, if he's just 7 weeks out of the affair, it's hitting him hard and he has no more hits of his drug to take the edge of (as far as I know).

 

But my question - epically to other WS - is when does the self pity wear off and transform into real empathy and care for me? He is there practically and financially and sometimes, quite often, we're on the same page emotionally. But I still often feel alone in my suffering, not seen. it's been over 10 months since the first DDay so I've been grieving and suffering and working alone on the marriage all this time and I suppose he can only start to do it properly now. But I really need more, much more, than this.

 

Mrscomitted...

 

Each of us is different... all waywards... all betrayed... are different so timelines are also different.

 

I think reactions are different because affairs are different as well.

 

If your husband has feelings for his ap... it might be harder for him to separate himself from her and have no contact than it was for me. When I confessed my affair..I was done. So I was fully committed to my marriage.

 

Now having said that... it took me 30 years to truly understand remorse.

 

However... I did not grieve for or miss or desire or want my ap..

 

Even though I made many mistakes... on my own... with no prompting... I became transparent to my husband. I was smart enough to know that I had to rebuild trust... so I immediately and even to this day... tell him my schedule... give him access to my accounts and phone and computer etc. I wanted him to feel comfortable and not worry that I was sneaking around behind his back.

 

Even though I did not have a clue "how to reconcile" I still worried about him and tried to help him feel better... smiles and hugs and asking what could I do to help.

 

But it took me years... and it took him years .. for me to truly understand what my betrayal had done to him.

 

Your husband is 10 months out... however... in those 10 months he has continued to lie and cheat... which tells me... he is still involved emotionally with the ow.

 

If he truly wanted to be done cheating... he would be. If he truly cared about your pain... he would do something to try to help you. He isn't. He cannot help you if he is still self absorbed .. if he is still connected to her.

 

I am truly afraid for you... because his actions say... he is not committed to you.

 

So to answer your question... even though it takes time for a wayward to truly understand the devastation they have caused... there should from the beginning of reconciliation be actions on his behalf to begin to help you rebuild your relationship and the first action should be to stop lying and relapsing back into the ap.

 

Your husband has relapsed three times in 10 months... what does that say to you? Be honest with yourself. There is a reason you are doubting him...because while he may tell you he wants you and wants your marriage... his actions are telling you something different.

 

Reconciliation takes actions... remorse requires action. Talk is cheap... you can say anything... this takes effort and action... and until he begins to "prove" his heart is where his mouth says he is by showing you he is sincere... all you have are empty words.

[elaine567]

Last night WH was again wailing about what a terrible, awful thing he's done, how he had the perfect life and couldn't stop the affair until he'd destroyed it all. How the road back is long and treacherous etc. And worst of all how He'd fallen in love with the OW.

 

It is really just all about him isn't it?

[cocorico]

It is really just all about him isn't it?

 

Which is why I would advocate not rushing to allow him back. He's not yet in a space where he can centre his focus where it needs to be if reconciling will succeed long-term. He may yet get there, IDK, but he's not there yet.

[Furious]

Thanks. He is very attentive and devoted and lot of time to me. And he expresses a lot of remorse and regret. He also has withdrawn all the negative things he said about me and the marriage when in the fog. But yeh, this was a prolonged affair with a long slow death and I think he's just starting to analyse his choices.

I've done so much grieving and anger processing alone and now need him to join me in making things better. And he is trying. Last night was a setback. He'd had a few drinks too many and was in self flaggelation mode. Very tedious.

 

 

It seems you're invisible to him and he's presently grieving for himself. He's in cake withdrawal.

 

He knows you are willing to take him back and knows the OW is also willing to take him back. Two women fighting over a man baby who cries for himself and curls into a ball as he throws a pity party for himself.

 

It appears that the so-called separation with him moving out was just an extension of time to continue his selfish behaviour. It's not surprising he is blaming the separation and living apart as an excuse for his continued lack of responsibility.

[BTDT2012]

What is he doing to address his deficiencies? I know it's hard, but try to shift your focus from saving the marriage to saving yourself. Don't let him play on your sympathy.

[Confused48]

Last night WH was again wailing about what a terrible, awful thing he's done, how he had the perfect life and couldn't stop the affair until he'd destroyed it all.......

 

But my question - epically to other WS - is when does the self pity wear off and transform into real empathy and care for me? He is there practically and financially and sometimes, quite often, we're on the same page emotionally. But I still often feel alone in my suffering, not seen. it's been over 10 months since the first DDay so I've been grieving and suffering and working alone on the marriage all this time and I suppose he can only start to do it properly now. But I really need more, much more, than this.

 

At least he sometimes feels bad for what he did to you and expresses regret for what he has lost with you. So many BS never even get that much from the WS.

 

As for the real empathy for you, the remorse, you may never get that. He doesn't sound capable of that. Maybe he had empathy for you in the past, or maybe was faking it in the past. Whatever, the new man you now have, is apparently incapable of even faking it for you.

 

Don't assume that with the passage of time he is going to become a different person. He may stop cheating but regardless, I think he has shown you who he really is. Believe him. Then decide if he is good enough for you or not. Even assuming he will never cheat again, this may not be the kind of person that is right for you as a partner going forward.

[Mrscommited]

What is he doing to address his deficiencies? I know it's hard, but try to shift your focus from saving the marriage to saving yourself. Don't let him play on your sympathy.

 

 

He's seeing a psychotherapist and had been going to counselling for ages during the affair to deal with the conflict. But he just lied to his counsellor then lied to two marriage counsellors before confessing to the second one (after he'd been caught in the second false reconciliation.)

 

 

All this time I've been looking after the kids (I have two teens sitting exams and one sensitive preteen), the house myself and working a full time responsible job. I've been seeing my friends a lot more and talking to anyone who will listen. I began to enjoy life again and feel genuinely happy. Thought we were working on reconciliation. Now of course I realise I was the only one working on the marriage.

 

My problem is that I can't "take it or leave it" when it comes to the marriage and I can't take everything he says with a pinch of salt as the midlife crisis wives' survival books tell me. So if he says he loves me, wants to spend time with me, expresses remorse and caring, validates me feelings, buys me gifts - and he does all of that - I feel good. The moment he appears to withdraw even a tiny bit I go downhill. It's horrible to be so dependent on someone who is all over the place. No contact / divorce could be the answer but I don't want to give up on the marriage without trying. And I haven't had a proper try until now, because he's always gone back in.

 

Sorry, long response! I feel a bot like the OW over on the other page who live for a text or a kiss but feel they don't have the whole package.

[Mrscommited]

Mrscomitted...

 

Each of us is different... all waywards... all betrayed... are different so timelines are also different.

 

I think reactions are different because affairs are different as well.

 

If your husband has feelings for his ap... it might be harder for him to separate himself from her and have no contact than it was for me. When I confessed my affair..I was done. So I was fully committed to my marriage.

 

Now having said that... it took me 30 years to truly understand remorse.

 

However... I did not grieve for or miss or desire or want my ap..

 

Even though I made many mistakes... on my own... with no prompting... I became transparent to my husband. I was smart enough to know that I had to rebuild trust... so I immediately and even to this day... tell him my schedule... give him access to my accounts and phone and computer etc. I wanted him to feel comfortable and not worry that I was sneaking around behind his back.

 

Even though I did not have a clue "how to reconcile" I still worried about him and tried to help him feel better... smiles and hugs and asking what could I do to help.

 

But it took me years... and it took him years .. for me to truly understand what my betrayal had done to him.

 

Your husband is 10 months out... however... in those 10 months he has continued to lie and cheat... which tells me... he is still involved emotionally with the ow.

 

If he truly wanted to be done cheating... he would be. If he truly cared about your pain... he would do something to try to help you. He isn't. He cannot help you if he is still self absorbed .. if he is still connected to her.

 

I am truly afraid for you... because his actions say... he is not committed to you.

 

So to answer your question... even though it takes time for a wayward to truly understand the devastation they have caused... there should from the beginning of reconciliation be actions on his behalf to begin to help you rebuild your relationship and the first action should be to stop lying and relapsing back into the ap.

 

Your husband has relapsed three times in 10 months... what does that say to you? Be honest with yourself. There is a reason you are doubting him...because while he may tell you he wants you and wants your marriage... his actions are telling you something different.

 

Reconciliation takes actions... remorse requires action. Talk is cheap... you can say anything... this takes effort and action... and until he begins to "prove" his heart is where his mouth says he is by showing you he is sincere... all you have are empty words.

 

 

Thanks. Yes, I agree with everything you say. I should note that he refers to his feelings for her as in the past and that he hasn't felt in love with her for a long time and the affair burned itself out. He certainly had very little respect for her or her feelings. You could say the same about me but he has, in a bizarre sort of way, always put me first (as in before her) but made sure he could always squeeze a bit of time in fore her. It's not the time though it's the emotional energy and focus he's robbed me and the kids of that has caused the most damage of course. And I'm desperate for that now. He really is trying but nothing seems to be enough. And he gets nothing much in return from me in terms of emotional support. That will have to change i know. But I'm sick of looking after everyone.

[Mrs. John Adams]

He's seeing a psychotherapist and had been going to counselling for ages during the affair to deal with the conflict. But he just lied to his counsellor then lied to two marriage counsellors before confessing to the second one (after he'd been caught in the second false reconciliation.)

 

 

All this time I've been looking after the kids (I have two teens sitting exams and one sensitive preteen), the house myself and working a full time responsible job. I've been seeing my friends a lot more and talking to anyone who will listen. I began to enjoy life again and feel genuinely happy. Thought we were working on reconciliation. Now of course I realise I was the only one working on the marriage.

 

My problem is that I can't "take it or leave it" when it comes to the marriage and I can't take everything he says with a pinch of salt as the midlife crisis wives' survival books tell me. So if he says he loves me, wants to spend time with me, expresses remorse and caring, validates me feelings, buys me gifts - and he does all of that - I feel good. The moment he appears to withdraw even a tiny bit I go downhill. It's horrible to be so dependent on someone who is all over the place. No contact / divorce could be the answer but I don't want to give up on the marriage without trying. And I haven't had a proper try until now, because he's always gone back in.

 

Sorry, long response! I feel a bot like the OW over on the other page who live for a text or a kiss but feel they don't have the whole package.

 

So each time he has cheated has been discovered and he never has confessed on his own to his discretion? I ask becasue this makes a big difference in both your ability to forgive and his to feel remorseful.

 

If an affair is "discovered" instead of confessed...it decreases the odds of the reconciliation success rate.

 

YOu keep mentioning that he is remorseful....he isnt. Not the least. He is sorry...he is sorry for his behavior...he is sorry he got caught...but he is not sorry enpough to try to "fix" the damage he has caused.

 

It is wonderful that he has gone to therapy... but if he lied during therapy and continued to cheat during therapy...it did nothing. AS a matter of fact....i dont think you can count anything as progress that happened before your latest DDAY..... it all begins again...you start from scratch again.

 

I have no doubt that he loves you...I have no doubt he is sorry for hurting you...but not enough for him to fix it...not enopugh for him to stop being self absorbed.

 

This worries me.

 

There are several betrayed spouses here that are going through very similar situations....and i wish they would chime in.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Thanks. Yes, I agree with everything you say. I should note that he refers to his feelings for her as in the past and that he hasn't felt in love with her for a long time and the affair burned itself out. He certainly had very little respect for her or her feelings. You could say the same about me but he has, in a bizarre sort of way, always put me first (as in before her) but made sure he could always squeeze a bit of time in fore her. It's not the time though it's the emotional energy and focus he's robbed me and the kids of that has caused the most damage of course. And I'm desperate for that now. He really is trying but nothing seems to be enough. And he gets nothing much in return from me in terms of emotional support. That will have to change i know. But I'm sick of looking after everyone.

 

ahhh...hon..you are tired...and i understand that after 10 months of this roller coaster you just want to get off and rest.

 

Are you in therapy yourself? Could you take a weekend to "escape" and gather yourself together? have a really good cry...throw things? Do you have a sister or a friend you could confide in and just talk?

 

Have you read the book how to help your spouse heal from your affair...has he read it?

 

I beleive you when you say he is trying...but he needs help...and so did I. This book helped me tremendously.

[Mrscommited]

So each time he has cheated has been discovered and he never has confessed on his own to his discretion? I ask becasue this makes a big difference in both your ability to forgive and his to feel remorseful.

 

If an affair is "discovered" instead of confessed...it decreases the odds of the reconciliation success rate.

 

YOu keep mentioning that he is remorseful....he isnt. Not the least. He is sorry...he is sorry for his behavior...he is sorry he got caught...but he is not sorry enpough to try to "fix" the damage he has caused.

 

It is wonderful that he has gone to therapy... but if he lied during therapy and continued to cheat during therapy...it did nothing. AS a matter of fact....i dont think you can count anything as progress that happened before your latest DDAY..... it all begins again...you start from scratch again.

 

I have no doubt that he loves you...I have no doubt he is sorry for hurting you...but not enough for him to fix it...not enopugh for him to stop being self absorbed.

 

This worries me.

 

There are several betrayed spouses here that are going through very similar situations....and i wish they would chime in.

 

Thanks. Oddly, he made a confession the first time and begged me to repair the marriage. I thought that was really encouraging and I was quick to agree and try to repair. But of course they work together and they were soon "talking", trying to be friends and then into a new phase of the affair which wasn't very physical apparently. He says he was looking for a graceful way out - felt responsible for her (she had severe depression) but also of course admits he was torn and wanted the emotional attachment. So in November I caught him out with an email and he dumped her immediately and fought for the marriage for a few weeks then the pattern repeated. I got a childish text from her in March. Vindictively letting me know there had been contact because he'd just unceremoniously dumped her again and said it would be the very last time. According to him that was the end of it. It'll be 8 weeks on Saturday. Counting the affair from first text exchanged to then was over two years. The heightened part of it probably lasted about 6 months then it was very on/off.

 

he is very very sorry and is trying as best he can to fix things by being there for me and being very helpful and practical and insisting the kids and i stay in our house, which i couldn't afford on my salary. And he answers my questions and apologises repeatedly. But there is still a way to go I think in terms of seeing the affair for what it really was and the feelings for what they really were. And each partner's motivations for what they really were. i don't think he thinks what he's done is remotely forgiveable most of the time. And the romantic feelings for me are rarely there - that hurts a lot. I don't help by constantly venting but I feel entitled to do that.

[Mrscommited]

ahhh...hon..you are tired...and i understand that after 10 months of this roller coaster you just want to get off and rest.

 

Are you in therapy yourself? Could you take a weekend to "escape" and gather yourself together? have a really good cry...throw things? Do you have a sister or a friend you could confide in and just talk?

 

Have you read the book how to help your spouse heal from your affair...has he read it?

 

I believe you when you say he is trying...but he needs help...and so did I. This book helped me tremendously.

 

Yes, I often wish I could "get off". I've got wonderful friends and an amazing Mum who loved my husband like a son but is very angry and protective. She says he's clearly unwell and not in his right mind.

We've downloaded that book thank you. He says he's read it and I will re read it. I wish my family were closer. It would make all the difference. I have no sister but five brothers who want to castrate him.

[mikeylo]

There can't be any real reconciliation here.

 

She knows how to reel him in. She knows his weaknesses. And yeah , he is a very weak man. A woman tells him a sob story and bombards him , he starts banging her ! Wow. And now he is crying. He is good at juggling 2 women at the same time. So he probably had sex with you first ( putting you first ) and then went and banged her.

 

He is feeding you lies.

 

She would never ever show her face again , IF he didn't want. She is there because he wants. She knows. She is just waiting for him to drop you.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Thanks. Oddly, he made a confession the first time and begged me to repair the marriage. I thought that was really encouraging and I was quick to agree and try to repair. But of course they work together and they were soon "talking", trying to be friends and then into a new phase of the affair which wasn't very physical apparently. He says he was looking for a graceful way out - felt responsible for her (she had severe depression) but also of course admits he was torn and wanted the emotional attachment. So in November I caught him out with an email and he dumped her immediately and fought for the marriage for a few weeks then the pattern repeated. I got a childish text from her in March. Vindictively letting me know there had been contact because he'd just unceremoniously dumped her again and said it would be the very last time. According to him that was the end of it. It'll be 8 weeks on Saturday. Counting the affair from first text exchanged to then was over two years. The heightened part of it probably lasted about 6 months then it was very on/off.

 

he is very very sorry and is trying as best he can to fix things by being there for me and being very helpful and practical and insisting the kids and i stay in our house, which i couldn't afford on my salary. And he answers my questions and apologises repeatedly. But there is still a way to go I think in terms of seeing the affair for what it really was and the feelings for what they really were. And each partner's motivations for what they really were. i don't think he thinks what he's done is remotely forgiveable most of the time. And the romantic feelings for me are rarely there - that hurts a lot. I don't help by constantly venting but I feel entitled to do that.

 

well this actually encourages me.....

 

He REALLY has to not work anywhere near this woman....because even if he gives it his best effort...she will do her best to sabatoge him i think. He has to block her every move...and avoid her as much as possible and if he sees her he has to tell you....he has to be completely transparent....and you have to feel he is being completely honest.

[mikeylo]

IMO, he needs to change jobs. As long as there is any interaction, it's one step forward and 2 steps backwards. Ultimately he is going to get tired with OP and not OW. It's only because he needs to work hard with wife and OW is easy. Whenever given a choice, people choose easy.

 

He is still in contact with her, believe it or not.

[mercy]

Yes. I'm glad he texted and I'm confident nothing untoward happened (a friend of ours was also there). He is hurting a huge amount and is overwhelmed with shame and regret and trepidation about fixing things. I'd like him to be more focused on me than himself but he's in quite a bad state.

 

Is his behavior tied to being out of the home away from you and his children? Does he have a support system, friends, or is he spending most of his time alone after work? Realization of all that he has done may finally be setting in and the shame is overwhelming him. It's a hard pill to swallow. Have you explained to him when he is in a calm state that you need a shoulder - his shoulder - to lean on? Ask him to see past his own misery and really look at you and what you need. His shame is keeping him stuck on the past, you need him mindful of your needs today.

 

Have you considered him taking a lie detector test? Drastic I know but given the circumstances it may be appropriate. A test given by retired law enforcement who are trained to spot a liar. The less questions asked the better.

 

Three questions, just examples - Are you committed to reconciliation with your wife? Have you been in contact with the OW? Have you had any sexual contact with the OW?

 

You are what matters. See if that is what matters to him.

[PhillyLibertyBelle]

Thanks. Oddly, he made a confession the first time and begged me to repair the marriage. I thought that was really encouraging and I was quick to agree and try to repair. But of course they work together and they were soon "talking", trying to be friends and then into a new phase of the affair which wasn't very physical apparently. He says he was looking for a graceful way out - felt responsible for her (she had severe depression) but also of course admits he was torn and wanted the emotional attachment. So in November I caught him out with an email and he dumped her immediately and fought for the marriage for a few weeks then the pattern repeated. I got a childish text from her in March. Vindictively letting me know there had been contact because he'd just unceremoniously dumped her again and said it would be the very last time. According to him that was the end of it. It'll be 8 weeks on Saturday. Counting the affair from first text exchanged to then was over two years. The heightened part of it probably lasted about 6 months then it was very on/off.

 

he is very very sorry and is trying as best he can to fix things by being there for me and being very helpful and practical and insisting the kids and i stay in our house, which i couldn't afford on my salary. And he answers my questions and apologises repeatedly. But there is still a way to go I think in terms of seeing the affair for what it really was and the feelings for what they really were. And each partner's motivations for what they really were. i don't think he thinks what he's done is remotely forgiveable most of the time. And the romantic feelings for me are rarely there - that hurts a lot. I don't help by constantly venting but I feel entitled to do that.

 

I feel so badly for you. He's not remorseful.

 

I'm indignant on your behalf that you feel he's "letting you stay in the house" that house is your and the children's home. It's your home as much as his!

[mikeylo]

I wanted to avoid saying this as you are hurting a lot but if your husband doesn't pull his weight fast enough,you will harden up pretty soon. You are human and can bear his selfishness and his repeated contact with OW only for so long.

 

How can he romance you when he is busy romancing OW? He is crying as he now can't have 2 women.

 

I'm sorry but don't lose faith in men and actively try to not harden up.

[Mrscommited]

At least he sometimes feels bad for what he did to you and expresses regret for what he has lost with you. So many BS never even get that much from the WS.

 

As for the real empathy for you, the remorse, you may never get that. He doesn't sound capable of that. Maybe he had empathy for you in the past, or maybe was faking it in the past. Whatever, the new man you now have, is apparently incapable of even faking it for you.

 

Don't assume that with the passage of time he is going to become a different person. He may stop cheating but regardless, I think he has shown you who he really is. Believe him. Then decide if he is good enough for you or not. Even assuming he will never cheat again, this may not be the kind of person that is right for you as a partner going forward.

 

To be fair he really does seem to be feeling a lot of remorse. He says it's very hard for him to witness my pain. But he usually tries to comfort me. He's only really now looking round with a clear head and surveying the awful damage and trying to work out how to fix it. His psychotherapist is very big on honesty. Which of course is an essential going forward.

[Mrs. John Adams]

To be fair he really does seem to be feeling a lot of remorse. He says it's very hard for him to witness my pain. But he usually tries to comfort me. He's only really now looking round with a clear head and surveying the awful damage and trying to work out how to fix it. His psychotherapist is very big on honesty. Which of course is an essential going forward.

 

Don't confuse remorse with guilt

 

They are not the same

[Mrscommited]

I wanted to avoid saying this as you are hurting a lot but if your husband doesn't pull his weight fast enough,you will harden up pretty soon. You are human and can bear his selfishness and his repeated contact with OW only for so long.

 

How can he romance you when he is busy romancing OW? He is crying as he now can't have 2 women.

 

I'm sorry but don't lose faith in men and actively try to not harden up.

 

I do think the affair is over now. I'm not 100% sure of course. But everything is different this time.

[whichwayisup]

His psychotherapist is very big on honesty.

 

Then give him the letter you wrote and he is to only to open and read it while he's in counseling. That way the T can help him process your heartfelt and painful yet honest letter to him. It's a safe place where he can read it, react to it and not have to put you on the spot (seeing him cry hysterically or something along those lines) or try to make you feel bad by playing the victim.

[mikeylo]

I do think the affair is over now. I'm not 100% sure of course. But everything is different this time.

 

Affair maybe over but the sporadic contact isn't. He needs to put an end to it. There is a reason to maintain that contact , even if it's after one week or a month or every few months.

 

When last did you dress up for him and he took you out and you together had fun? Do you even dress up for him ? He is busy crying in self pity now but I'm sure if you recall, he was the happiest man on earth when he had you and her.

 

Take care.

[Confused48]

But everything is different this time.

 

If I had a nickle for every time I've read something like this on this website and then saw it later not to be true, well, I'd be very wealthy. Heck, if even I had a nickle for every time I thought it was "different this time" with my own WS....

 

I hope for you it is true but don't be surprised if it is not.