A letter to my Wayward Husband

[MainB]

OP, my heart aches for you. As a fellow BS and a woman.

 

 

My husband allowed drugs to consume him and he made very bad choices. One of those choices has him sitting in prison now, regretting every ugly minute of his affair.

 

 

I took control back by saying bye to the poor betrayed victim I used to be and learning to love myself again. New career, loads of therapy and the love and support of family helped achieve that. My husband has to earn me back.

 

 

It gets better, I promise

[Betrayed&Stayed]

So we are spending a lot of quality time together and I am becoming more convinced the affair is over.

 

We hug and kiss. BUT he tells me he can't imagine sleeping together again and, although he's keen for us to go away for the weekend, he admits that he will find it awkward in the bedroom department (join the club). It's not very nice to hear that you're not desired.

 

Why are you allowing yourself to treated with such disdain? Reconciliation is extremely difficult even in the "best" of situations. Your husband is not worth the effort of R. My opinion is that you kick him to the curb permanently, and spend your emotional energy on becoming decent co-parents for your children. You deserve so MUCH more than what this guy can offer you.

 

If you are holding out hoping that things can go back to way it used to be, it's not going to happen. Ever.

[deadsoul]

Everyone here is basically telling you that you deserve better. When you believe it too, you will see what your H truly is. Until then, you will accept his horrible behavior. Choose you. You are worth more.

[Mrs. John Adams]

So we are spending a lot of quality time together and I am becoming more convinced the affair is over.

 

We hug and kiss. BUT he tells me he can't imagine sleeping together again and, although he's keen for us to go away for the weekend, he admits that he will find it awkward in the bedroom department (join the club). It's not very nice to hear that you're not desired. But is this normal behaviour for someone coming out of an affair? Or does it mean that to him I am the save normality and security and his romantic sexual self is still with the OW because the affair has never ended? Is there a transition period? How long does it last? After the first two days we had sex but his enthusiasm waned quickly. Massive red flags I know with hindsight but I didn't have a clue back then.

 

well bless his sweet heart...her's a bread crumb love....eat this one and i will feed you another one....come long now...follow me...trust me...I will lkead you right bak where i want you...and i will call all the shots.

 

YOU are now in charge....YOU get to tell him what you will or will not accept.

This is complete and total bullshot....

 

He is willing to be your husband in every way or he can keep his apartment.

 

when are you going to realize that he does it your way or no way?

 

When an affair happens....the wayward makes all of the choices for the betrayed. When reconciliation happens...the betrayed gets to take back their power....and if the wayward is indeed remorseful...thye know that this is what needs to happen in order to reestablish some kind of trust.

 

Take back your power and stop coddling this crybaby...whoa is me....cheating manipulating lying cheat.

[Mrscommited]

What about during the affair?

 

Very little. He's a monogamist - hah! Must be difficult to switch from one to the other.

 

Thanks everyone else. Your comments echo my current sentiments. His head is still at least half way up his arse. And every day that goes by, I enjoy being on my own more. Perhaps things will come to a natural conclusion.

 

Reading stories on here and those on the OW/OM page has been very instructive. Every story is practically identical. I'm getting to the point where I just don't want to hear any more about his stupid drama. He really hasn't been himself for two years. If he comes back to normal then that is the time to seriously consider reconciliation. Right now it's too much of a risk.

[mercy]

Very little. He's a monogamist - hah! Must be difficult to switch from one to the other.

 

Thanks everyone else. Your comments echo my current sentiments. His head is still at least half way up his arse. And every day that goes by, I enjoy being on my own more. Perhaps things will come to a natural conclusion.

 

Reading stories on here and those on the OW/OM page has been very instructive. Every story is practically identical. I'm getting to the point where I just don't want to hear any more about his stupid drama. He really hasn't been himself for two years. If he comes back to normal then that is the time to seriously consider reconciliation. Right now it's too much of a risk.

 

I'm just really saddened by this. I didn't read it the same way others did. Of course sexual contact will be awkward for awhile but you are still intimate with kisses. Communication needs to stay open, physical and verbal. But if you aren't into it and not feeling it I understand

 

. But i would like to know how he is still showing an interest to OW. That baffles me.

[Mrscommited]

I'm just really saddened by this. I didn't read it the same way others did. Of course sexual contact will be awkward for awhile but you are still intimate with kisses. Communication needs to stay open, physical and verbal. But if you aren't into it and not feeling it I understand

 

. But i would like to know how he is still showing an interest to OW. That baffles me.

 

He isn't actually showing interest. It's just that, having gone through two false reconciliations, I just can't believe it's all over this time. So I interpret the slightest ambivalence, lack of certainty as "it's back on" or "he's still into her". Probably unfairly. But I have to be cautious. Unless he can put up a really convincing fight, I am happy to maintain our separation. But I don't want to be on my own for ever.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Of course there were signs. And when I confronted him I was lied to. Unless you have personal experience of being in my shoes or his, there's not a lot of point to your comments.

 

 

Have been following this thread but at this point haven't read beyond page ten. I do have personal experience of being in your shoes, twice, once with a husband and once with a fiance.

 

First of all, though, I am so sorry for all you've been through and for the suffering it has brought into your life. I truly hope you can save your marriage for both your sakes and for the sake of your children.

 

From all you've written (which is all any of us know, and it's certainly not everything so I admit there's room for error in my observations and comments) you seem to be a very strong woman who is married to a very weak man who has poor self esteem.That is not to say he's not arrogant, he may be that, I don't know; but to me arrogance is often born of poor self esteem so that he could be both arrogant and lacking in self esteem.

 

He has had an affair with a woman whom he admits is a nut job, yet he has continued to go back to her two or three times while he has been lying to you. What does it say about him even if he were single and not cheating on anyone that he would continue to be involved with a nut job, seemingly helpless to stay away from her?

 

Whether or not he cheats again would not be the only issue for me when deciding whether or not to stay with him.

 

When you describe him as curling up in a ball as you berate him, I can almost see it happening and it paints a stark visual contrast between the two of you.

 

What I'm curious about is what will you accomplish that hasn't already taken place by sending the letter since he has demonstrated his extreme shame by physically bringing himself as low as is possible and has adopted the form of an infant in utero while doing so, certainly a most humbling posture?

 

Seems to me, he has you on a pedestal where you most likely belong. He knows himself to be weak and he has low self esteem to the point he has acted out his view of how he sees himself. It seems to me that to send the letter just underscores that in his mind. And the more he see himself this way the more he is vulnerable to acting like the type of person he believes himself to be.

 

In your place I wouldn't send the letter. If you need to write angry letters do so but it doesn't seem best to me to give them to him. Had you not already had him on the floor with shame (not that he didn't deserve it) I'd be more supportive of sending the letter.

 

If you want to save the marriage get help and have him get help. And if you tell him anything at this point, share your sorrow for what he's done, not your blame and anger if you can at all keep from it. It seems to me he's gotten the message loud and clear whether or not it will affect his future behavior.

 

Again, I'm so sorry for your suffering and I hope the two of you get the help you need to save your marriage.

[Furious]

He isn't actually showing interest. It's just that, having gone through two false reconciliations, I just can't believe it's all over this time. So I interpret the slightest ambivalence, lack of certainty as "it's back on" or "he's still into her". Probably unfairly. But I have to be cautious. Unless he can put up a really convincing fight, I am happy to maintain our separation. But I don't want to be on my own for ever.

 

 

Gently....it's all about him and you're dancing to his tune. Yes, you're the safe habor and he's juggling with one foot in your marriage one in his other world.

 

The strange thing is sometimes the person who wounds you the most is the person you seek to heal you. until you realise that the person who broke you is not the person to fix you, you'll be caught up in the dysfunctional dance.

 

I urge you to collect your common sense and the courage to listen to it.

 

Is a whiny selfish man who has continually lied and put you through multiple false reconciliation, a man who rejects being intimate and physical with you.

 

You're in the denial phase, and being strung along.

[elaine567]

He's a monogamist - hah! Must be difficult to switch from one to the other.

 

 

OK so since he is supposedly trying to practise "monogamy" with you and only you now, then like any hot-blooded male he should want to have sex with you as he doesn't want anyone else...

BUT and it is a big BUT unfortunately...

 

.

[Mrscommited]

OK so since he is supposedly trying to practise "monogamy" with you and only you now, then like any hot-blooded male he should want to have sex with you as he doesn't want anyone else...

BUT and it is a big BUT unfortunately...

 

.

 

Agreed.

[Mrscommited]

Gently....it's all about him and you're dancing to his tune. Yes, you're the safe habor and he's juggling with one foot in your marriage one in his other world.

 

The strange thing is sometimes the person who wounds you the most is the person you seek to heal you. until you realise that the person who broke you is not the person to fix you, you'll be caught up in the dysfunctional dance.

 

I urge you to collect your common sense and the courage to listen to it.

 

Is a whiny selfish man who has continually lied and put you through multiple false reconciliation, a man who rejects being intimate and physical with you.

 

You're in the denial phase, and being strung along.

 

Agree with much of that. But I'm not dancing to his tune. I acted in good faith before. Now I feel the need to remain withdrawn until and unless he can sort himself out.

[mikeylo]

OP, no doubt you are a very strong woman while he is very weak. How can he support you when he himself is such a sorry figure of a man, acting like a boy of 10.

 

To forgive someone comes from a place of strength but he is again taking you for granted. You forgave him twice so you might for the 3rd , 4th time. He is not pulling his weight the way he should. You did your part more than anyone could have asked for. He is still busy crying, over what ?

 

I guess he is going to be too late for you. He is pushing your limits and soon enough , without you wanting or realizing, you WILL harden up. What does he plan to do if that happens? Will he go to the OW to tell his sob story ?

 

He is on the road to self sabotage. He will be left alone with nothing but regrets and it will bite him as he get older.

[Mrscommited]

Have been following this thread but at this point haven't read beyond page ten. I do have personal experience of being in your shoes, twice, once with a husband and once with a fiance.

 

First of all, though, I am so sorry for all you've been through and for the suffering it has brought into your life. I truly hope you can save your marriage for both your sakes and for the sake of your children.

 

From all you've written (which is all any of us know, and it's certainly not everything so I admit there's room for error in my observations and comments) you seem to be a very strong woman who is married to a very weak man who has poor self esteem.That is not to say he's not arrogant, he may be that, I don't know; but to me arrogance is often born of poor self esteem so that he could be both arrogant and lacking in self esteem.

 

He has had an affair with a woman whom he admits is a nut job, yet he has continued to go back to her two or three times while he has been lying to you. What does it say about him even if he were single and not cheating on anyone that he would continue to be involved with a nut job, seemingly helpless to stay away from her?

 

Whether or not he cheats again would not be the only issue for me when deciding whether or not to stay with him.

 

When you describe him as curling up in a ball as you berate him, I can almost see it happening and it paints a stark visual contrast between the two of you.

 

What I'm curious about is what will you accomplish that hasn't already taken place by sending the letter since he has demonstrated his extreme shame by physically bringing himself as low as is possible and has adopted the form of an infant in utero while doing so, certainly a most humbling posture?

 

Seems to me, he has you on a pedestal where you most likely belong. He knows himself to be weak and he has low self esteem to the point he has acted out his view of how he sees himself. It seems to me that to send the letter just underscores that in his mind. And the more he see himself this way the more he is vulnerable to acting like the type of person he believes himself to be.

 

In your place I wouldn't send the letter. If you need to write angry letters do so but it doesn't seem best to me to give them to him. Had you not already had him on the floor with shame (not that he didn't deserve it) I'd be more supportive of sending the letter.

 

If you want to save the marriage get help and have him get help. And if you tell him anything at this point, share your sorrow for what he's done, not your blame and anger if you can at all keep from it. It seems to me he's gotten the message loud and clear whether or not it will affect his future behavior.

 

Again, I'm so sorry for your suffering and I hope the two of you get the help you need to save your marriage.

 

Thanks for your incredibly perceptive response. It's so interesting that what you have said has been said already by my husband and our marriage counsellor. I said I didn't like the way he'd become arrogant and grandiose and self centered when he became senior at work. He said he actually has low self esteem. Lower than ever now of course. He always says I'm the strong one and he is weak. This sort of imbalance can't be good. Didn't think it was the case until all this happened. I used to turn to him for strength and advice a lot. And he was amazing when our children arrived. So supportive. Emotionally and practically. But even back then, there was a slight jealousy/ possessiveness which, I guess is borne of insecurity.

 

Talking of pedestals, one day in counselling, when the MC asked him what he wanted, he said he wanted to be back on a pedestal- the kind of husband people envivied me for.

 

He has often said that the. Affair made him feel needed and more able to confide his doubts and insecurities because she is a person with problems. That was very hard to hear. But it doesn't mean it's acceptable to turn to someone else like that.

 

We come from very different bagrounds - his poor and emotionally cold, mine wealthy and very loving. I think his childhood caught up with him when his parents died just before the affair and he felt anchorless.

 

You're right about the letter. It was therapeutic to write and has triggered a discussion which has been very helpful. But it's not going to do either of us any good to send it

 

May I ask what the outcomes of your experiences were?

[Mrscommited]

 

The strange thing is sometimes the person who wounds you the most is the person you seek to heal you. until you realise that the person who broke you is not the person to fix you, you'll be caught up in the dysfunctional dance.

 

 

This really resonates. I think that I previously felt much more in need of his healing than I do now. I guess that healing on my own somewhat has changed me.

[elaine567]

He always says I'm the strong one and he is weak. This sort of imbalance can't be good. Didn't think it was the case until all this happened. I used to turn to him for strength and advice a lot. And he was amazing when our children arrived. So supportive. Emotionally and practically. But even back then, there was a slight jealousy/ possessiveness which, I guess is borne of insecurity.

 

Talking of pedestals, one day in counselling, when the MC asked him what he wanted, he said he wanted to be back on a pedestal- the kind of husband people envivied me for.

 

He has often said that the. Affair made him feel needed and more able to confide his doubts and insecurities because she is a person with problems. That was very hard to hear. But it doesn't mean it's acceptable to turn to someone else like that.

 

We come from very different backgrounds - his poor and emotionally cold, mine wealthy and very loving. I think his childhood caught up with him when his parents died just before the affair and he felt anchorless.

 

There are many differing reasons for having an affair.

 

This is a good read.

The Infidelity Megafecta So if sex isn’t what affairs are all about, what else is there?

 

 

From the article

1. Power and Control

 

There is often an undercurrent of resentment in the cheater’s decision to have an affair, so affairs commonly have a retributive element to them. There are often power struggles within the marriage and even regular compromises can build resentment. In exploring these issues with cheaters directly, it is apparent how they often use the affair as a way to exercise their personal power in their lives – they’ve made a significant choice for themselves without having to consult their spouse or compromise their own desires.

During an affair, the cheater has all the control. They possess all the facts and decide who has access to that same level of information. They decide what they tell their spouse, what they tell the affair partner, and what the rules are for the affair. They withhold access to information that might give others power in the situation, and use that withholding to preserve their marriage while enjoying the escape and sanctuary the affair represents.

Whilst few will admit it, an affair is often the cheater’s own private rebellion against societal norms, familial expectations, religious teachings, and their obligations, fueled by their own dissatisfactions. This can covertly undermine the relational dynamic in which the cheater believes themselves trapped or in some way disadvantaged by their participation in that relationship.

Edited May 1, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redacted URL ~6

[Furious]

Agree with much of that.

 

 

But I'm not dancing to his tune.

 

I acted in good faith before. Now I feel the need to remain withdrawn until and unless he can sort himself out.

 

 

You're dating him, going out for dinners and playing his game.

 

You've bought into his strange concept of monogamy and that's total crap.

 

Once you realise you are dancing to his tune, which is a tune of multiple false reconciliation and limp dating excursions that only extends the dysfunction.

 

The irony is that he's not weak at all, he's manipulative, he's so up his own ass and he likes it that way.

 

A great majority of self professed weak people use weakness as a tool to manipulate and get their way.

[mikeylo]

I have no doubt that he is still seeing either the same OW or a new one as he can't handle the pressure of doing the right thing. The right thing is hard. Running to other women who validate and praise him for being half a man , is easy and such women are dime a dozen ( just like him).

 

Living on his own, you can never know what he is up to. Never. He has been there many times and will again , probably with a new OW.

[Mrscommited]

You're dating him, going out for dinners and playing his game.

 

You've bought into his strange concept of monogamy and that's total crap.

 

Once you realise you are dancing to his tune, which is a tune of multiple false reconciliation and limp dating excursions that only extends the dysfunction.

 

The irony is that he's not weak at all, he's manipulative, he's so up his own ass and he likes it that way.

 

A great majority of self professed weak people use weakness as a tool to manipulate and get their way.

 

Interesting. Thanks. Can't disagree really. He has been incredibly manipulative.

[Just a Guy]

Lady can you tell us why exactly you are still chasing after this man? You come across as someone composed and rather self confident so then why chase a man who has proved to you he is a half man? I just don't get it. I am sure you would find any number of wonderful men if you just stopped chasing this person and resolved to live a life for yourself. Warm wishes.

[mikeylo]

Lady can you tell us why exactly you are still chasing after this man? You come across as someone composed and rather self confident so then why chase a man who has proved to you he is a half man? I just don't get it. I am sure you would find any number of wonderful men if you just stopped chasing this person and resolved to live a life for yourself. Warm wishes.

 

I guess when she finally leaves, she will be very relaxed and content with herself while indifferent towards him. Her ability to forgive and give so many chances will help her move on from him very quickly. She has already mourned the loss of trust and him not stepping up ,is subconsciously taking her to emotional detachment from him.

 

She will live without regrets while the day he wakes up , he will have nothing but regrets.

[Mrscommited]

Lady can you tell us why exactly you are still chasing after this man? You come across as someone composed and rather self confident so then why chase a man who has proved to you he is a half man? I just don't get it. I am sure you would find any number of wonderful men if you just stopped chasing this person and resolved to live a life for yourself. Warm wishes.

 

I don't think I am chasing. I'm deciding whether to reconcile with my husband of over 20yrs, the father of my kids and previously of very good character. We had a good marriage and I have to weigh the risks of throwing that away and regretting it against risking another try after so many lies.

 

I have no experience of this and don't know whether previously good men come to their senses after this kind of behaviour or whether it will always prevent us from regaining a happy marriage.

 

28 years is a long time to throw away.

[mikeylo]

I don't think I am chasing. I'm deciding whether to reconcile with my husband of over 20yrs, the father of my kids and previously of very good character. We had a good marriage and I have to weigh the risks of throwing that away and regretting it against risking another try after so many lies.

 

I have no experience of this and don't know whether previously good men come to their senses after this kind of behaviour or whether it will always prevent us from regaining a happy marriage.

 

28 years is a long time to throw away.

 

Sorry to burst your bubble but ' good men ' don't cheat the first time. Not even talking about the second time and probably the third time even. They don't even chat up another woman, no matter what. Period.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I don't think I am chasing. I'm deciding whether to reconcile with my husband of over 20yrs, the father of my kids and previously of very good character. We had a good marriage and I have to weigh the risks of throwing that away and regretting it against risking another try after so many lies.

 

I have no experience of this and don't know whether previously good men come to their senses after this kind of behaviour or whether it will always prevent us from regaining a happy marriage.

 

28 years is a long time to throw away.

 

No matter what happens in the future... you are not throwing anything away. He did that for you. Please place the blame where it belongs.

 

He made the decision to throw you and the life you shared together away. Thus is something that my husband has struggled with... the fact that I had given up on us and decided to just throw us away.

 

If you decide you simply cannot risk your heart again... the fact still remains that this is on him.

 

This thread has gone back and forth.. there are times when I think reconciliation might be the answer and there are times I fear neither of you is up to it. It frightens me for you and if it is a roller coaster ride for those of us here... I know how difficult it has to be for you.

 

None of us can make your decision for you... but there are so many red flags that it makes me worry for you. You clearly still love him.. but I am not sure where his head is or where his heart is.

 

The one thing I think I do get from you is this... you are not going to commit to him unless you are really ready to... and I certainly respect that.

 

You are not on a time table... and you don't have to make any kind of decision until you are ready to

[mikeylo]

He is not giving her a reason to commit or trust him. He is being shady.