A letter to my Wayward Husband

[elaine567]

As an aside, can anyone tell me why an OW would keep In an affair when their AP repeatedly dumps them and says it was a massive mistake and he never loved her? I've seen some brutal emails and her responding with "I hate you" and other mature comments.

 

What you don't see is the passionate kisses when he does eventually show up, the "make up" sex and the promises to never hurt her again, the long talks, the future faking, the restoring of the emotional connection, and she is hooked again. He didn't mean to break up, his awful wife forced him into it.

Yes, he will leave his wife only he can't, not yet, because of x, y and z...

YOUR husband's OW will love him a great deal and so will put up with just about anything to keep him in her life, a bit like you really.

Two besotted women fighting for the attention of one man. From his point of view - What's not to like?

 

Go onto the OW part of the forum and read the stories.

[Spring23]

What you don't see is the passionate kisses when he does eventually show up, the "make up" sex and the promises to never hurt her again, the long talks, the future faking, the restoring of the emotional connection, and she is hooked again. He didn't mean to break up, his awful wife forced him into it.

Yes, he will leave his wife only he can't, not yet, because of x, y and z...

YOUR husband's OW will love him a great deal and so will put up with just about anything to keep him in her life, a bit like you really.

Two besotted women fighting for the attention of one man. From his point of view - What's not to like?

 

Go onto the OW part of the forum and read the stories.

 

I don't think the OP realizes she is ALSO the other woman. My gut tells me that this man is playing both of them right now.

[BluesPower]

As an aside, can anyone tell me why an OW would keep In an affair when their AP repeatedly dumps them and says it was a massive mistake and he never loved her? I've seen some brutal emails and her responding with "I hate you" and other mature comments.

 

Yes I can. I never told them that I hated them. I don't, and not all of them were OW.

 

But I have had many women get kind of obsessive about me. I don't think that I am all that, but they must like something about me.

 

And, I think I have picked crazy several times. My last Ex GF went Ape S*** when I broke up with her, and she technically broke up with me, I just let it stand.

 

She has really pissed off New GF, and caused me a lot of trouble with her. I have been completely honest with both. But it has been hell.

 

She is obsessed with your husband, it happens.

[Mrscommited]

What you don't see is the passionate kisses when he does eventually show up, the "make up" sex and the promises to never hurt her again, the long talks, the future faking, the restoring of the emotional connection, and she is hooked again. He didn't mean to break up, his awful wife forced him into it.

Yes, he will leave his wife only he can't, not yet, because of x, y and z...

YOUR husband's OW will love him a great deal and so will put up with just about anything to keep him in her life, a bit like you really.

Two besotted women fighting for the attention of one man. From his point of view - What's not to like?

 

Go onto the OW part of the forum and read the stories.

 

Yes. I'm sure there was that. When I asked how the hell he persuaded her to go back into the affair after that he said he said he did t have to do a thing. She contacted him and they met "platonically". He said he was working on his marriage etc. And she said she knew there was no future but she wanted him to take her out and "have fun". He refused. (I know because he shares his location with me). I suppose anything - the occasional text or coffee - is better than nothing.

[Mrscommited]

I don't think the OP realizes she is ALSO the other woman. My gut tells me that this man is playing both of them right now.

 

Please, call me deluded, weak, too trusting but DO NOT call me an OW. He is my husband and partner of nearly three decades. I put him out of the home and am on speaking terms but not in a relationship with him. He is begging for another chance. This doesn't make me an OW.

 

My self esteem would never permit me to enter into a relationship as another woman. And I've had plenty of opportunities over the years.

[Mrscommited]

Yes I can. I never told them that I hated them. I don't, and not all of them were OW.

 

But I have had many women get kind of obsessive about me. I don't think that I am all that, but they must like something about me.

 

And, I think I have picked crazy several times. My last Ex GF went Ape S*** when I broke up with her, and she technically broke up with me, I just let it stand.

 

She has really pissed off New GF, and caused me a lot of trouble with her. I have been completely honest with both. But it has been hell.

 

She is obsessed with your husband, it happens.

 

Yes. I actually met her three years ago and she was going on about his salary and car. I took an instant dislike because of her flirting. She bombarded him with texts for six months before he cracked and gave her the response she was looking for. What a waste of three childbearing years. And now she (if I believe him) has nothing but his contempt and avoidance of eye contact if their paths cross. I actually pity her more than anything.

[wmacbride]

Thanks very much. I don't plan on sending it soon. It's very much part of a thought process. I was quite happy seeing when the coming months brought and whether he could sustain his "fight" for the marriage. But the lease on his flat means a decision has to be made and I suppose this was my way of saying he can't move home yet but perhaps in the future.

 

It does get bogged down in rage and shaming though.

 

Are you someone who expresses yourself better in written words than speech? Just speaking fr myself, sometimes writing things down can help me to sort through them.

[Spring23]

Please, call me deluded, weak, too trusting but DO NOT call me an OW. He is my husband and partner of nearly three decades. I put him out of the home and am on speaking terms but not in a relationship with him. He is begging for another chance. This doesn't make me an OW.

 

My self esteem would never permit me to enter into a relationship as another woman. And I've had plenty of opportunities over the years.

 

I understand what you're saying because you're the wife and should have the wife title. However, to the mistress YOU'RE the other woman in his life. You unknowingly shared your husband and it sucks.

 

Maybe he'll change. IDK. In the end it's your life and you need to choose what is best.

[Spring23]

Yes. I actually met her three years ago and she was going on about his salary and car. I took an instant dislike because of her flirting. She bombarded him with texts for six months before he cracked and gave her the response she was looking for. What a waste of three childbearing years. And now she (if I believe him) has nothing but his contempt and avoidance of eye contact if their paths cross. I actually pity her more than anything.

 

...she texted him for six months???

 

Didn't that seem strange to you?

[Mrscommited]

...she texted him for six months???

 

Didn't that seem strange to you?

 

I didn't know anything about it until he confessed the affair and wrote a timeline. But yes, crazy behaviour if you ask me.

[Mrscommited]

Are you someone who expresses yourself better in written words than speech? Just speaking fr myself, sometimes writing things down can help me to sort through them.

 

I'm articulate in speech. But that only makes the rage sharper when I'm berating him. He curls up in a ball and sobs as though he's being physically beaten he agrees with everything I say.

[Spring23]

I'm articulate in speech. But that only makes the rage sharper when I'm berating him. He curls up in a ball and sobs as though he's being physically beaten he agrees with everything I say.

 

You seem like an intelligent woman. Please talk to a lawyer and just get some advice.

[whichwayisup]

Yes. I actually met her three years ago and she was going on about his salary and car. I took an instant dislike because of her flirting. She bombarded him with texts for six months before he cracked and gave her the response she was looking for. What a waste of three childbearing years. And now she (if I believe him) has nothing but his contempt and avoidance of eye contact if their paths cross. I actually pity her more than anything.

 

Have you spoken to her? Asked her questions about her affair with your husband? Might want to find her her side/truth of things. Might help you with where you are now.

[aileD]

and please tell me what is wrong with her spewing hatred and shame? She HATES what he did to her and she is ASHAMED of his behavior.

 

 

For god's sake....she doesnt have to coddle this man...she's his WIFE and he betrayed HER

 

Why does she need to treat him gently and passively? She's pissed...he should know she's pissed.

 

betrayed spouses deserve to be treated with respect....he has continued to lie and cheat all the while declaring his love and devotion.

 

I am all for treating others with kindness...but not after they have kicked me in the gut several times...there comes a time to fight back and take charge and become demanding.

 

She doesn't need to roll over and play dead ...and do the pick me dance. It sounds to me like she has plenty of grit and has every right to tell him exactly how she feels without mincing words....and if it hurts his little feelings...he will get over it.

 

There was one conversation John and i had early on in our reconciliation that i beleive changed things....i was argueing with him about my behavior...becasue you know...we are never as bad as you say we are....and he glared at me and said god damn it...will you just listen to yourself.

 

Well first..he had never talked to me like that before...and second...he was right.

 

Not only do I think this letter is great....I think a letter from each of his children expressing how they feel might be a little wake up call as well.

 

Sometimes we deserve to be reprimanded. This might be one of those times.

 

We do not have to be politically correct to a cheating lying spouse. They know where the door is...they walked out it and into the arms of another person with no difficulty. They get to walk back in when they can start behaving like they understand what they have done.

 

First , I like you and respect your opinion...I don't want to argue with you just explain. I didnt tell her to coddle him or be politically correct. She's not rolling over or playing the pick me dance . But I'm sure she wants to let him know how his actions hurt her and how disappointed and angry she is with him. The way it's written, he won't get that. He will get defensive and the message won't get through. She has stated reconciliation is possible. I'm just suggesting she focus more on how his actions and transgressions made her feel instead of just calling him an a-hole basically. She can still be stern and disgusted and angry and call him out.

[Mr Blunt]

By mrscommited

He has always maintained the affair was about what was lacking in himself and not about my shortcomings or the OW's attributes

 

 

 

 

By Blunt

His admission about his shortcomings and that you had nothing to do with his betrayal is probably the most truthful thing he has said in years.

I am going to look at your situation in the most optimistic way. So here is the best that I see:

 

1 your husband was once a very good husband and father

2 You are convinced that he loves you

3 Your husband really wants to R at this time.

4 You love your husband but you are very hurt

5 At this moment your husband seems to despise the OW

6 Your husband is willing to take a brutal verbal attack from you ( he deserves that attack) and still beg you to take him back

 

I am going to stop there for now. From what I wrote above this is what I see; your husband loves you with his capacity to love you which is love-Lite. Why do I call it love-Lite? Because strong love does not disrespect the one he claims to love 3 times for several years. Strong love protects that which he claims to love and strong love disciplines itself to remain loyal even when tempted. Your husband failed at all three of those. Your husband did not respect you, did not protect you and chose to not be loyal! Those three are part of what strong love requires and there is not a debate about that.

 

Now your husband does seem to have lite-love which involves words and demonstrated emotions. Your husband has said many flattering and positive things about you and has shown his anguished emotions. He has shown great emotions in telling you how much he needs you, misses you, and wants you back. Those are good words and can be constructive to the relationship but without respect, protection, and loyalty they are not enough to make strong love; hence the description LOVE-LITE!

 

After falling for the 3rd time your husband is all for being chastised and berated which can resemble remorse. However, I see that as a combination of remorse and a strong sign of his internal weakness. His weakness was so evident by the fact that he struggled to break away from the OW 3 TIMES and feels that he should be berated. Staying in that state is very detrimental.

 

Your husband has got himself into a state such as an addict. He crossed the line many times and now is so weak that when faced with his reality he “curls up in a ball and sobs”

 

 

I am not saying this just to put your husband down, I am saying this because you want to know what to do and this truth can help you see what you have. I am not saying that you and your husband cannot ever R; what I am saying is that unless your husband shows vast improvement in what is lacking in himself (his words) then a successful and contented R is almost impossible IMO. Also, if he is going to do the work on himself then he must show that and prove that with actions for YEARS!

 

When my wife betrayed me I divorced her and told her to prove herself with actions. I waited for 4 and half years and saw that she was showing vast improvement so I re-married her after 4 plus years. We have been in R for 20 years.

[Mrscommited]

What you don't see is the passionate kisses when he does eventually show up, the "make up" sex and the promises to never hurt her again, the long talks, the future faking, the restoring of the emotional connection, and she is hooked again. He didn't mean to break up, his awful wife forced him into it.

Yes, he will leave his wife only he can't, not yet, because of x, y and z...

YOUR husband's OW will love him a great deal and so will put up with just about anything to keep him in her life, a bit like you really.

Two besotted women fighting for the attention of one man. From his point of view - What's not to like?

 

Go onto the OW part of the forum and read the stories.

 

Just to be clear, I am not fighting for his attention and have never fought for his or anyone's attention. I've never felt the need.

[Mrscommited]

By mrscommited

He has always maintained the affair was about what was lacking in himself and not about my shortcomings or the OW's attributes

 

 

 

 

By Blunt

His admission about his shortcomings and that you had nothing to do with his betrayal is probably the most truthful thing he has said in years.

I am going to look at your situation in the most optimistic way. So here is the best that I see:

 

1 your husband was once a very good husband and father

2 You are convinced that he loves you

3 Your husband really wants to R at this time.

4 You love your husband but you are very hurt

5 At this moment your husband seems to despise the OW

6 Your husband is willing to take a brutal verbal attack from you ( he deserves that attack) and still beg you to take him back

 

I am going to stop there for now. From what I wrote above this is what I see; your husband loves you with his capacity to love you which is love-Lite. Why do I call it love-Lite? Because strong love does not disrespect the one he claims to love 3 times for several years. Strong love protects that which he claims to love and strong love disciplines itself to remain loyal even when tempted. Your husband failed at all three of those. Your husband did not respect you, did not protect you and chose to not be loyal! Those three are part of what strong love requires and there is not a debate about that.

 

Now your husband does seem to have lite-love which involves words and demonstrated emotions. Your husband has said many flattering and positive things about you and has shown his anguished emotions. He has shown great emotions in telling you how much he needs you, misses you, and wants you back. Those are good words and can be constructive to the relationship but without respect, protection, and loyalty they are not enough to make strong love; hence the description LOVE-LITE!

 

After falling for the 3rd time your husband is all for being chastised and berated which can resemble remorse. However, I see that as a combination of remorse and a strong sign of his internal weakness. His weakness was so evident by the fact that he struggled to break away from the OW 3 TIMES and feels that he should be berated. Staying in that state is very detrimental.

 

Your husband has got himself into a state such as an addict. He crossed the line many times and now is so weak that when faced with his reality he “curls up in a ball and sobs”

 

 

I am not saying this just to put your husband down, I am saying this because you want to know what to do and this truth can help you see what you have. I am not saying that you and your husband cannot ever R; what I am saying is that unless your husband shows vast improvement in what is lacking in himself (his words) then a successful and contented R is almost impossible IMO. Also, if he is going to do the work on himself then he must show that and prove that with actions for YEARS!

 

When my wife betrayed me I divorced her and told her to prove herself with actions. I waited for 4 and half years and saw that she was showing vast improvement so I re-married her after 4 plus years. We have been in R for 20 years.

 

Thanks. This is excellent. You encapsulate the situation perfectly. I'm so inspired that you had your happy ending. You've reinforced my view that the best thing for me is to carry on with my life and let him sort himself out. If it's going to happen, it won't be overnight. I hope his therapist can help him. And time apart from me and the OW. And I'm aware it will take years to successfully rebuild if I go down that route.

[BluesPower]

Thanks. This is excellent. You encapsulate the situation perfectly. I'm so inspired that you had your happy ending. You've reinforced my view that the best thing for me is to carry on with my life and let him sort himself out. If it's going to happen, it won't be overnight. I hope his therapist can help him. And time apart from me and the OW. And I'm aware it will take years to successfully rebuild if I go down that route.

 

The difference is that... Blunt divorced his wife.

 

And unfortunately I am thinking that you may have to start the process in order to wake him up.

 

Nothing wakes a man up sometimes like realizing the he may lose his wife that he loves and all that money for the nut job that he is banging on the side. Not that all OW are nut jobs, but some are.

 

You don't have to follow through if he straightens up, but he will know you mean business.

[Mrscommited]

The difference is that... Blunt divorced his wife.

 

And unfortunately I am thinking that you may have to start the process in order to wake him up.

 

Nothing wakes a man up sometimes like realizing the he may lose his wife that he loves and all that money for the nut job that he is banging on the side. Not that all OW are nut jobs, but some are.

 

You don't have to follow through if he straightens up, but he will know you mean business.

 

 

"Nut job" and "mental" are certainly terms my WH has used about her.

 

I know what you mean about waking up. He does appear to have woken up and want to save the marriage and appears full of remorse. But he has gone back in twice and, although things appear different his time, I just can't be sure it's for real.

 

Will I ever know? How do you know? I was quick to trust the last two times but am not willing to go along with it this time.

[Spring23]

"Nut job" and "mental" are certainly terms my WH has used about her.

 

I know what you mean about waking up. He does appear to have woken up and want to save the marriage and appears full of remorse. But he has gone back in twice and, although things appear different his time, I just can't be sure it's for real.

 

Will I ever know? How do you know? I was quick to trust the last two times but am not willing to go along with it this time.

 

It isn't so wonderful that he's calling her a "nut job."

 

Look, I've studied personality and have had my slices of insanity baked into my life. I've sat at both sides of the therapist desk.

 

This is what I know:

 

1.Your husband told this woman that he loves her and that his wife is a "nut job."

 

2.Your husband is in survival mode and will say or do anything to preserve himself.

 

3. Your husband is a decent liar and can cover his tracts when he wants to.

 

If you want to waste more time with him you can. Maybe he does have some good points. IDK. You're a strong woman for handling this so well. Much stronger than me.

[whichwayisup]

"Nut job" and "mental" are certainly terms my WH has used about her.

 

I know what you mean about waking up. He does appear to have woken up and want to save the marriage and appears full of remorse. But he has gone back in twice and, although things appear different his time, I just can't be sure it's for real.

 

Will I ever know? How do you know? I was quick to trust the last two times but am not willing to go along with it this time.

 

I'm betting that the way he treated her, led her on, omitted truths and lied to her had much to do with her reaction and behavior which is why he said what he said about her. She probably was in love with him and very emotionally attached. Affairs are emotionally damaging obviously ruining marriages but also to those participating in them.

 

If you feel you want to give him ONE last chance then do so but you know deep down that IF he does it again, there's no other option but to divorce. He'd be a fool to cheat again though!

[aliveagain]

...she texted him for six months???

 

Didn't that seem strange to you?

 

She wants your life, his salary, his car, your lifestyle. The worst place for you to be in is having to compete for your husband with an other woman. Your first goal is to take yourself out of infidelity and you can't rely on him to do that for you. Please talk to a lawyer, understand your rights, talk to him about a postnuptial agreement if your still considering the possibility of giving him another chance. They are hard to inforce but it will cost him a small fortune to find that out, they are a strong future deterrent against any future infidelity. Put a higher value on yourself so that winning you back requires real work on his part.

[jenkins95]

Hi Mrscommitted

 

I'm very sorry to hear of the heartbreaking situation that your husband has put you in.

 

As a former wayward myself, I know that these things can be turned around. But only if both parties want it 100% and are prepared to do the hard work.

 

I think your letter is excellent. Why not send it? Let him stew on it. Say that you don't want to talk about the letter, but that he's welcome to write a reply. If, a few days later, he responds with a long, informative, respectful, loving letter of his own that he has clearly given 100% effort to and in which he takes full ownership for what he's done, shows full remorse, a willingness to be completely open and work things through with you and thanks you from the bottom of his heart for even considering reconciliation....

 

Well...it's a start.

 

I wish you nothing but the best. Please keep posting

[Mrs. John Adams]

Hi Mrscommitted

 

I'm very sorry to hear of the heartbreaking situation that your husband has put you in.

 

As a former wayward myself, I know that these things can be turned around. But only if both parties want it 100% and are prepared to do the hard work.

 

I think your letter is excellent. Why not send it? Let him stew on it. Say that you don't want to talk about the letter, but that he's welcome to write a reply. If, a few days later, he responds with a long, informative, respectful, loving letter of his own that he has clearly given 100% effort to and in which he takes full ownership for what he's done, shows full remorse, a willingness to be completely open and work things through with you and thanks you from the bottom of his heart for even considering reconciliation....

 

Well...it's a start.

 

I wish you nothing but the best. Please keep posting

 

Interesting how former wayward think he deserves the letter and many betrayed think it is too harsh...

 

Makes me wonder about dynamics...

 

Sometimes it takes a dose of reality to help people realize just exactly what they have done

 

Op... please don t confuse crying and sobbing and going into a fetal istion with remorse ... it isn't

 

Remorse is an action ...

 

His crying and carrying on is not about you... it's about him... he's feeling sorry for himself

 

We all do it... but we don't all take action to put our spouses needs before our own .. we don't all ask our betrayed spouse what we can do to help them heal from our wickedness

 

Dont let his crying make you compromise yourself

 

Next time he cries ask him if he is aware you Cry yourself to sleep.. ask him if he's heard you scream at the top of your lungs how could you do this to me...

 

Remind him that he did this to himself and he did it to you without asking you what you thought about it first.

 

I have great compassion for waywards who carry their load... but not for those who continue to lie and think of themselves first.

 

Infidelity is hard..and it is not fair... but he chose to do it... several times even after swearing he would do better.

 

What's the game? Three strikes and you are out? How many chances do we give a wayward who isn't helping their spouse do the work?

 

You cannot reconcile by yourself... he has to be willing to do the work.. he has to stop crying about it and fix it

Edited April 25, 2017 by Mrs. John Adams

[jenkins95]

I think that letters in general are a good idea when dealing with emotional situations. Apart from anything else, it takes away the 'heat of the moment' factor. We all understand about this. How often do we say rash things in the heat of an argument? How often do we let our anger and emotion get in the way of saying what we really feel? We all know what it feels like much later on reflection 'i shouldn't have said that', ' I SHOULD have said that', 'i wish I hadn't lost my temper', 'did he really mean that?'. A letter takes this out of the equation. There isn't a time limit on writing a letter - you can take your time, consider and analyse what you want to say, edit the letter, leave it for a while and come back. If it's done properly, it can be a very effective communication tool. Also, he can't hide behind tears, adopting his foetal position, and other emotional tools in a letter - all he has is words. A letter also provides an 'audit trail'. If he promises something in a letter, it's there in black and white and can be read and re read - no ambiguity or 'I didn't say that'. For the reader, letters can be read, re-read and analysed as much as they want.

 

If Mrscommitted really does want to give him one more chance, i would encourage the letter approach. Maybe a whole series of letters before they next talk about this in person. We rarely write good old fashioned letters these days, but they can be very powerful.

 

I know I'm being optimistic here, but if both parties master their letter craft, they could even build a new, deep connection purely through words.

 

Of course, if he produces a half hearted effort in reply, doesn't bother replying at all or puts justifications and excuses in his reply, well that will be a very strong indicator to Mrscommitted that it's probably best to rebuild her life without him. Why not use this approach as a test?

Edited April 25, 2017 by jenkins95