A letter to my Wayward Husband

[cocorico]

I'm probably a bit scared that if I hold off too long we will miss the chance and drift apart?

 

Hmm. Looking at it as "a chance" that you "might miss" creates, I fear, unnecessary pressure. A chance is time-bound, fleeting, ephemeral. A relationship - especially a marriage - should not be. If the "chance" to reconcile is fleeting, as you suggest, then that is worrying. It implies that he is not really committed to doing everything he needs to do to win your trust. That there is only a small window of opportunity when he is prepared to make the effort, before he writes it off and goes off in another direction. That he, somehow, ultimately holds the power and choice about you getting back together, and that it's all in his terms in the end.

 

That can't be the case. If you agree to that, you are agreeing to take him back while you still have doubts and can't trust him - committing to a life of subterranean fear and worry. You are committing to a M where he thinks he can win you back by playing he game just long enough, each time, before he's in the clear again. You are committing to a R in which you override your gut feel out of "fear" that you might lose the ephemeral, evanescent chance of reconciliation.

 

Reconciliation should not be like that. It should be a lifetime project where you both strive to put your M first, but he especially prioritises it because he knows - really sees - what he so nearly lost. It's not a remedial sentence that he serves and then moves on from. It's a completely different state of mind that keeps him conscious every day of how badly he messed up, how he nearly brought it all away, and how he needs to keep his focus to prevent himself getting into that space again. The reconciled spouses on here demonstrate that; read how they post about such things and you'll get a sense that there wasn't a fleeting chance they grabbed, but a solid commitment they made. Over a long, long period of time. If your WH is serious about reconciling, then that is the space he should be in - and proving it to you - and you should not feel under any pressure to "seize the chance" or make any kind of quick call.

 

When it feels right to you - whichever way you decide - then act on it. While you have doubts, don't try to second guess anything. If you can't trust, can't be sure then bide your time until you reach peace, one way or the other.

[Mrscommited]

Hmm. Looking at it as "a chance" that you "might miss" creates, I fear, unnecessary pressure. A chance is time-bound, fleeting, ephemeral. A relationship - especially a marriage - should not be. If the "chance" to reconcile is fleeting, as you suggest, then that is worrying. It implies that he is not really committed to doing everything he needs to do to win your trust. That there is only a small window of opportunity when he is prepared to make the effort, before he writes it off and goes off in another direction. That he, somehow, ultimately holds the power and choice about you getting back together, and that it's all in his terms in the end.

 

That can't be the case. If you agree to that, you are agreeing to take him back while you still have doubts and can't trust him - committing to a life of subterranean fear and worry. You are committing to a M where he thinks he can win you back by playing he game just long enough, each time, before he's in the clear again. You are committing to a R in which you override your gut feel out of "fear" that you might lose the ephemeral, evanescent chance of reconciliation.

 

Reconciliation should not be like that. It should be a lifetime project where you both strive to put your M first, but he especially prioritises it because he knows - really sees - what he so nearly lost. It's not a remedial sentence that he serves and then moves on from. It's a completely different state of mind that keeps him conscious every day of how badly he messed up, how he nearly brought it all away, and how he needs to keep his focus to prevent himself getting into that space again. The reconciled spouses on here demonstrate that; read how they post about such things and you'll get a sense that there wasn't a fleeting chance they grabbed, but a solid commitment they made. Over a long, long period of time. If your WH is serious about reconciling, then that is the space he should be in - and proving it to you - and you should not feel under any pressure to "seize the chance" or make any kind of quick call.

 

When it feels right to you - whichever way you decide - then act on it. While you have doubts, don't try to second guess anything. If you can't trust, can't be sure then bide your time until you reach peace, one way or the other.

 

Thanks. That's extremely useful. Rushing into either divorce or reconciliation would be a mistake. I need to ride out the feeling that my life is on hold.

[Mrscommited]

Mrscommited,

 

If you are, you should not beat yourself up over not "seeing" signs. The big part, pain and hurt of betrayal, is the surprise, in finding someone you trusted, and loved doing this to you and the family.

 

I am going to echo the many here, take your time and only go forward with him moving back when you are ready, and he has shown the he is ready as well. I think, as does Mrs Adams, and you have made some type of decision or are leaning a certain way. unfortunately, there is no magic bullet or method to show if you are making the right decision. That will be shown over time.

 

I wish you luck.....

 

Thank you. I don't beat myself up too much. I asked him straight out about all sorts of things and was lied to.

Yes and I agree time and actions are why is required. It's hard to spend much time together being separated and working full time. We do try. But often our conversations are cut short and text isn't a good way to have serious conversations. As long as he genuinely is doing NC then surely we can work things out in the end. We both agree the marriage was good before this.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Thanks. That's extremely useful. Rushing into either divorce or reconciliation would be a mistake. I need to ride out the feeling that my life is on hold.

 

Sweet lady

 

Your life is not on hold

 

Live... live every day because each day counts.

 

Live life to the fullest ... love...

 

I understand limbo... but if you live in limbo you miss so much life has to offer.

 

My husband and I have lived life to the best of our ability even though we have had heartbreaks of many kinds... we have buried a grandchild... and let me tell you... that is life changing.

 

Enjoy your family... and even though your husband is not what you expected him to be... you still love him... even though he has disappointed and hurt you... you still love him. He is still the father of your children. You still have a bond between you. Hate what he has done... but love him.

 

If we all live life waiting for the next thing to happen we will surely miss out on the present.

 

You are simply postponing a decision but you still live life.

[Mrscommited]

Sweet lady

 

Your life is not on hold

 

Live... live every day because each day counts.

 

Live life to the fullest ... love...

 

I understand limbo... but if you live in limbo you miss so much life has to offer.

 

My husband and I have lived life to the best of our ability even though we have had heartbreaks of many kinds... we have buried a grandchild... and let me tell you... that is life changing.

 

Enjoy your family... and even though your husband is not what you expected him to be... you still love him... even though he has disappointed and hurt you... you still love him. He is still the father of your children. You still have a bond between you. Hate what he has done... but love him.

 

If we all live life waiting for the next thing to happen we will surely miss out on the present.

 

You are simply postponing a decision but you still live life.

 

Thank you so much for this. I shall do my best! I think he needs to hear that I love him.

[BettyDraper]

I think your marriage is over but you don't want to accept it.

 

My heart goes out to you because it is very hard to walk away from decades with one person. However, your husband has shown you more than once that he has no intention of ending the affair. Reconciliation is impossible in a situation like this unless you are willing to allow your husband to have a side chick.

 

Of course the OW is "crazy and needy". That's what people say about former partners when they don't want to take responsibility for their actions. If your husband can lie and string along his wife, what makes you think that he is above doing the same to his OW?

[BTDT2012]

Divorce is expensive. On a practical level one should only divorce if one wants to stay divorced.

 

If you're not ready for divorce then it's best to stay in limbo. Rushing to get back together isn't necessary. Let him court you. And maybe you can figure out why he was able to have this long affair without you knowing. What weren't you seeing?

 

Nothing to figure out. She trusted, and he took advantage of that trust. Hindsight is always 20/20.

[Confused48]

Nothing to figure out. She trusted, and he took advantage of that trust. Hindsight is always 20/20.

 

Yes, yes. of course. And being fooled does not make you a fool. Only when you fall for the same sh*t over and over do you become a fool.

 

The OP is treading very close to this territory.

 

I know of what I speak. I admit I fell for the same sh*t over and over. Blind love can do that to you.

[Mrscommited]

Yes, yes. of course. And being fooled does not make you a fool. Only when you fall for the same sh*t over and over do you become a fool.

 

The OP is treading very close to this territory.

 

I know of what I speak. I admit I fell for the same sh*t over and over. Blind love can do that to you.

 

It's love. And it's hope and fear and the belief that someone who was solid and reliable for years can stop and do the right thing.

[Confused48]

It's love. And it's hope and fear and the belief that someone who was solid and reliable for years can stop and do the right thing.

 

I had that triple whammy myself. Love, hope for the future with WS, fear of losing out on recovering what I had with WS, fear of just being without WS and also the firm belief in a person's ability to change, especially when they were certainly trying to do so.

 

In my case it was a total waste. Your milage may vary but stories on here like ours, they do not typically end with the WS and BS riding off into the sunset together.

[Mrs. John Adams]

It's love. And it's hope and fear and the belief that someone who was solid and reliable for years can stop and do the right thing.

 

and they can...but it is a choice. Just like cheating is a choice...so is not cheating.

 

the thing I worry about with your husband is that...he committed to you twice...and even knowing what he had done to you the first time...had no trouble repeating the offense.

 

Now..does it mean he will NEVER see this for what it really is? I dont know...but I am afraid it gets easier each time.

 

Do you think he might be open to coming to this forum? Would ypou feel comfortable sharing your comments here with him? and allowing him to read the answers?

 

Has he read the book how to help your spouse heal from your affair? and if he has...have you both discussed it?

 

The bottom line is...he needs to hear your fears and concerns...thus the letter.... and then he needs to address those fears and concerns.

 

He can make promises...but it will be his actions that tells you whether or not you can move forward.

 

You needs to ASK you what you need and what can he do to help you. Until he does that...i would not entertain allowing him to come home. He has to show you that he understands that your needs come first...before his own.

[mikeylo]

I'm not sure how staying separate will help the cause. You can't see. He can't show. Words are meaningless.

[Mrscommited]

and they can...but it is a choice. Just like cheating is a choice...so is not cheating.

 

the thing I worry about with your husband is that...he committed to you twice...and even knowing what he had done to you the first time...had no trouble repeating the offense.

 

Now..does it mean he will NEVER see this for what it really is? I dont know...but I am afraid it gets easier each time.

 

Do you think he might be open to coming to this forum? Would ypou feel comfortable sharing your comments here with him? and allowing him to read the answers?

 

Has he read the book how to help your spouse heal from your affair? and if he has...have you both discussed it?

 

The bottom line is...he needs to hear your fears and concerns...thus the letter.... and then he needs to address those fears and concerns.

 

He can make promises...but it will be his actions that tells you whether or not you can move forward.

 

You needs to ASK you what you need and what can he do to help you. Until he does that...i would not entertain allowing him to come home. He has to show you that he understands that your needs come first...before his own.

 

I know. Three D days and, before that, lied to me when I asked him if he was having an affair with her. I'm having a really bad day. All my doubts came to a head last night when I felt he'd backed off a bit. I said this morning I was going to see about a divorce and he seemed passive. Didn't say anything. I had to come home from work because I couldn't stop crying about feeling I had to divorce someone I love.

He is at a work event. He's the boss. Guess who has unexpectedly turned up at the evening dinner? I can't stand living like this. But I can't stand the idea of divorce. I'm in pieces. I thought I'd become so strong. I just can't bear to admit to myself that he doesn't care about me the way I care about him. Sometimes he appears to. But I don't really believe it any more. At least he texted to say she was there and he wouldn't speak to her.

[mercy]

I know. Three D days and, before that, lied to me when I asked him if he was having an affair with her. I'm having a really bad day. All my doubts came to a head last night when I felt he'd backed off a bit. I said this morning I was going to see about a divorce and he seemed passive. Didn't say anything. I had to come home from work because I couldn't stop crying about feeling I had to divorce someone I love.

He is at a work event. He's the boss. Guess who has unexpectedly turned up at the evening dinner? I can't stand living like this. But I can't stand the idea of divorce. I'm in pieces. I thought I'd become so strong. I just can't bear to admit to myself that he doesn't care about me the way I care about him. Sometimes he appears to. But I don't really believe it any more. At least he texted to say she was there and he wouldn't speak to her.

 

Please don't take this the wrong way but why would he text you if not to show you honesty? I imagine when you said you were going to see about a divorce shame washed over him. Sometimes with a wayward spouse it's a no win situation. Do they answer, do they apologize, what?

 

I'm not defending your h just as I read your post I was thinking what was going through his mind.

 

I'm sorry you're hurting, I know how it feels been there done that.

[Mrscommited]

I'm not sure how staying separate will help the cause. You can't see. He can't show. Words are meaningless.

 

I've often thought this. And he's often said that if we hadn't separated then he doesn't think we'd be where we are now. He thinks he'd have been able to focus on me and the kids and do no contact properly.

[BTDT2012]

I've often thought this. And he's often said that if we hadn't separated then he doesn't think we'd be where we are now. He thinks he'd have been able to focus on me and the kids and do no contact properly.

These don't sound like the words of someone who is remorseful and repentant.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I am so sorry you are having a bad day. Bless your heart... you are so torn.

 

I don't blame you for being upset... I don't blame you for having doubts...he is not exactly convincing

[Mrscommited]

Please don't take this the wrong way but why would he text you if not to show you honesty? I imagine when you said you were going to see about a divorce shame washed over him. Sometimes with a wayward spouse it's a no win situation. Do they answer, do they apologize, what?

 

I'm not defending your h just as I read your post I was thinking what was going through his mind.

 

I'm sorry you're hurting, I know how it feels been there done that.

 

Yes. I'm glad he texted and I'm confident nothing untoward happened (a friend of ours was also there). He is hurting a huge amount and is overwhelmed with shame and regret and trepidation about fixing things. I'd like him to be more focused on me than himself but he's in quite a bad state.

[mikeylo]

She didn't turn up unexpectedly. She knew he will be there. She came with a plan -- what to do and what to say. Does your husband have a plan if and when she pops up? Every time she turns up, flash backs will eat you up. How can he be there for you when he is self absorbed? He was self absorbed during affair and even after affair.

Why did you not go at official dinner? He should keep you by his side for the exOW and other potential OW to see and as a constant reminder to him as well.

 

She will stay in your lives as long as he allows her. She wouldn't have dared to come if he wanted.

[Arieswoman]

In response to Spring #139,

 

Often there are signs but the BS often attributes them to something else.

 

I knew a guy whose wife started refusing to have sex with him. When he asked what was wrong she said "she didn't feel like it".

 

"Red flag! Red flag!" Shouts some people on this forum.

 

The guy had a word with a GP friend of his who said that she was probably going through an early menopause and to be patient. So was .

 

Later it transpired she was having an affair with a workmate of his

 

As we say "hindsight is always 20/20 vision."

[Mrscommited]

She didn't turn up unexpectedly. She knew he will be there. She came with a plan -- what to do and what to say. Does your husband have a plan if and when she pops up? Every time she turns up, flash backs will eat you up. How can he be there for you when he is self absorbed? He was self absorbed during affair and even after affair.

Why did you not go at official dinner? He should keep you by his side for the exOW and other potential OW to see and as a constant reminder to him as well.

 

She will stay in your lives as long as he allows her. She wouldn't have dared to come if he wanted.

 

Yes you're right. She will never stop believing that they are meant to be and will continue to try to put herself in his way. It worked before. She would bombard him with meeting requests that he felt he couldn't ignore. then the emails would start "how are you", then they'd decide to be friends and the rest is history. He swears it's bee 100% NC for 7 weeks and I'm inclined to believe him. But of course I can't be sure. He's hopefully got another job in the pipeline but it depends on a number of factors. Partners weren't involved in the dinner - it was a working dinner.

[Mrscommited]

Last night WH was again wailing about what a terrible, awful thing he's done, how he had the perfect life and couldn't stop the affair until he'd destroyed it all. How the road back is long and treacherous etc. And worst of all how He'd fallen in love with the OW.

 

Meanwhile I'm sitting there sobbing and getting no emotional support whatsoever. Now I know the remorse is essential and perhaps, if he's just 7 weeks out of the affair, it's hitting him hard and he has no more hits of his drug to take the edge of (as far as I know).

 

But my question - epically to other WS - is when does the self pity wear off and transform into real empathy and care for me? He is there practically and financially and sometimes, quite often, we're on the same page emotionally. But I still often feel alone in my suffering, not seen. it's been over 10 months since the first DDay so I've been grieving and suffering and working alone on the marriage all this time and I suppose he can only start to do it properly now. But I really need more, much more, than this.

[elaine567]

Yes you're right. She will never stop believing that they are meant to be and will continue to try to put herself in his way. It worked before. She would bombard him with meeting requests that he felt he couldn't ignore. then the emails would start "how are you", then they'd decide to be friends and the rest is history. He swears it's bee 100% NC for 7 weeks and I'm inclined to believe him. But of course I can't be sure. He's hopefully got another job in the pipeline but it depends on a number of factors. Partners weren't involved in the dinner - it was a working dinner.

 

Yes, but why does she feel that way?

If he was really shutting her down she would disappear but I guess like so many OWs on here, the MM never actively shuts her down. He knows OW are difficult to cultivate and he may need her if you do divorce, so...

...he speaks in ambiguities.

He never actually tells her it is over and even if he does, he is still willing to meet up, even still willing to have sex.

He sends out mixed signals all the time

She therefore joins the dots.

He still loves me but he is "confused" and stressed out.

He still loves me, but his harridan of a wife is forcing him to stay with her for the kids.

The timing is wrong, but if I hang on in there, he will choose me eventually as he tells me he loves me... etc. etc.

 

He is so good at making sure what he says is ambiguous enough to give me a little bit of hope. It's always 'I don't know what I want' 'she doesn't know what she wants' 'I know we won't be happy together'. Then he tells me how much he loves me and misses me, so despite my best intentions I can't help but think maybe this time he will actually leave her.

and

 

... he must have been a pretty good liar. I with him every single day and still the wife thought he was staying on his own now.

[Overtaxed]

Last night WH was again wailing about what a terrible, awful thing he's done, how he had the perfect life and couldn't stop the affair until he'd destroyed it all. How the road back is long and treacherous etc. And worst of all how He'd fallen in love with the OW.

 

Meanwhile I'm sitting there sobbing and getting no emotional support whatsoever. Now I know the remorse is essential and perhaps, if he's just 7 weeks out of the affair, it's hitting him hard and he has no more hits of his drug to take the edge of (as far as I know).

 

But my question - epically to other WS - is when does the self pity wear off and transform into real empathy and care for me? He is there practically and financially and sometimes, quite often, we're on the same page emotionally. But I still often feel alone in my suffering, not seen. it's been over 10 months since the first DDay so I've been grieving and suffering and working alone on the marriage all this time and I suppose he can only start to do it properly now. But I really need more, much more, than this.

 

IMHO, you're way past the time where your WS should have had the fog lifted, start to realize what they've done, and be right there with you in the healing process. In my case, it took a few weeks; but I think that was pretty fast; it was a short A and the situation between us wasn't anything like it is in some cases, we had a happy marriage that just fell apart for a few months.

[Mrscommited]

Yes, but why does she feel that way?

If he was really shutting her down she would disappear but I guess like so many OWs on here, the MM never actively shuts her down. He knows OW are difficult to cultivate and he may need her if you do divorce, so...

...he speaks in ambiguities.

He never actually tells her it is over and even if he does, he is still willing to meet up, even still willing to have sex.

He sends out mixed signals all the time

She therefore joins the dots.

He still loves me but he is "confused" and stressed out.

He still loves me, but his harridan of a wife is forcing him to stay with her for the kids.

The timing is wrong, but if I hang on in there, he will choose me eventually as he tells me he loves me... etc. etc.

 

 

and

 

Yes. Even if he has maintained no contact this time. He has given out so many mixed messages over such a long time that she has every reason to hope. It's very cruel to both of us.