MM left wife, and now me

[stillafool]

That's not immunity. That's a choice.

 

Call it what you will but a lot of women make that choice to maintain a lifestyle.

[Birdies]

Nvm.

 

Rebel, good luck and I hope you're doing well! Jenkins is right about the weakness. It doesn't mean that a relationship with that kind of man can't work, but one needs to have their eyes open and be proactive when going into it. In your case, clearly you deserve better and stronger!

Edited May 11, 2017 by Birdies

[Rebelnoir]

Thanks for replying to my post Rebel. I'm very impressed at what you wrote here - your attitude here bodes very well for your future I think. Well done!

 

One word I really want to pick out from your post is weak! Bingo! If you look over my recent posts you'll likely see that word repeated over 10 times.

 

We MMs, including me and your ex MM are very weak - it's one of our character flaws. I was weak not too talk to my wife like an adult when I get dissatisfied. I was weak to fall into an affair and not foresee the consequences. I was weak to lie and cheat to cover my back. I was weak not to end it quickly when I knew it had to end. I was weak weak weak - and it all caught up with my when my world blew up. Perhaps the same can be said for your MM?

 

Yes! I would say my MM is weak in so many areas. He had difficulty in making basic decisions about what to have for lunch, so big decisions are tough and he often wants to be told what to do. I think I'm s bizarre way the fact he is so weak is partly what convinced me he was in this for real, because it looked as if he was finally being strong and taking action when he left. In reality though I have no idea whether he left (particularly the first time) or was made to leave. He admits he is weak, those were his words when he told me why he went back and why he is considering trying to reconcile. I bet he's telling his wife the affair happened because he was weak too.

 

Another very common character flaw - conflict avoidance. Again I have a very extreme case of this and so probably has your MM. Weakness, dissatisfaction plus conflict avoidance very often leads to infidelity. And because the MM is weak and conflict avoidant, when everything hits the fan and the MM has to step up, grow a pair and make life-affecting decisions, he is often completely unequipped to deal with this, implodes, shuts down and leaves everyone around him in a mess.

 

It's funny because in many ways my MM relishes conflict...but petty conflict, like trying to 'prove he is right' even when it's unnecessary. He is also a bit of a drama queen. However, you're are right because when it comes to serious drama he just shuts down, has panic attacks and is almost like a small child. He will say and do whatever he can to make everything ok again. I e been on the receiving end of this and it feels good, lots of declarations of love etc etc however, again, I have to accept that he is probably doing the same with his wife.

 

You and I, plus the people in our stories​ have learned this the hard way.

 

At least you can see him for what he is - if you had started a legitime relationship with him, chances are his weakness and conflict avoidance (plus likely many other faults) would have crept into your relationship too. The same is true if my A had turned into a real relationship.

 

I know in reality you're right. Logically it makes sense and I'm on my way to accepting this. I have to remind myself all the time as it's easy to remember the good times, promises and declarations of love and convince myself what we had was special

 

I hope eventually, when the time is right, you give a good, strong man, who doesn't deal with life difficulties in this way. As for me and your MM, it's a big lesson too - our flaws have been laid bare and if we don't learn from this then there is little hope for us.

 

I hope so too, thank you! I think this here is the key difference between my MM and you...I honestly don't think he will learn from this. I think he is desperately just trying to get everything back to normal as he thinks he will feel ok when it is. His wife has a similar personality. I really, really hope he can reach the point that you have (well done, by the way. It sounds like you are in a good place) as there is something flawed he needs to fix (as do I). I love him and so want him to be happy...I hope he uses this as a catalyst to make some good, honest choices and changes. Unfortunately I just don't think he will, and I think this may make it harder for him to let go of the affair.

 

Good luck Rebel!

 

I've tried responding in the quote to try and cut down the length of my posts lol

[Rebelnoir]

Fornication is just asking for trouble, fornication is bad news. And a married person who cheats on its spouse will eventually cheat on you someday, if you ever be the one that gets chosen anyway. But since you went along for the ride, accepting to be treated as a third wheel, you will never get true respect from that married person anyway. To have a healthy successful steady relationship you have to find yourself someone that is not only available, but sincere too, otherwise it's plain masochism and you're embarking for hell.

 

I'm not sure that I would agree I went along for the ride accepting being treated as a third wheel. You can read my posts (I'm not sure if you have), but I think it's clear that from day dot I was not ok with being a third wheel. I only ever went into this because he said he would leave and I believed him. I was never content with being the OW and MM knew this. I realise now he said and did so many things typical of a MM, and like a typical OW I fell for it completely.

 

I agree that affairs are bad news, I think we all know that and very few of us probably set out intending to end up in an affair. I certainly didn't. But life is messy and people are flawed. What I do know is I will never put myself in this position again.

[Rebelnoir]

Nvm.

 

Rebel, good luck and I hope you're doing well! Jenkins is right about the weakness. It doesn't mean that a relationship with that kind of man can't work, but one needs to have their eyes open and be proactive when going into it. In your case, clearly you deserve better and stronger!

 

Thank you, I hope you're doing well too. I've had a weird couple of days where I've missed MM and he has been on my mind alot. But today i realised it was that time of the month...which explains it. Hormones!

 

Yes I think you're right about having your eyes open. I knew MM was indecisive and weak as I could see this as his friend. In many ways I love his flaws...however, I didn't grasp quite how problematic those flaws would be in a situation like this. I imagine ending a marriage takes the strength to follow through with what you want, even when it's hard. My MM I think struggles with even deciding what he really wants and then having the strength to follow through on the thing he maybe thinks he wants. Alongside this he was making promises to me (and probably his wife) to try and avoid conflict and keep everything feeling nice and easy. In hindsight, it was never going to end well.

[CM71]

I have very simple advice. Stay away from married men and women. They are not trustworthy and I think it takes very low character to get involved with them. I think it shows a comple lack of respect for everyone involved, especially the children. Some ******* my wife dated 27 yeas ago got in touch with her and now we are divorcing. The kids are a mess and frankly my wife is acting like a high school girl. She is 47. I make no apologies for my statements because I have been burned and my father burned my mother when I was in high school. He has been miserable for years and says leaving my mom was the biggest mistake of his life. There are so many single people out there. Why get involved with someone who is married?

[Rebelnoir]

I have very simple advice. Stay away from married men and women. They are not trustworthy and I think it takes very low character to get involved with them. I think it shows a comple lack of respect for everyone involved, especially the children. Some ******* my wife dated 27 yeas ago got in touch with her and now we are divorcing. The kids are a mess and frankly my wife is acting like a high school girl. She is 47. I make no apologies for my statements because I have been burned and my father burned my mother when I was in high school. He has been miserable for years and says leaving my mom was the biggest mistake of his life. There are so many single people out there. Why get involved with someone who is married?

 

I'm sorry you're going through a difficult time right now. This board is a place for OW/OM so you will probably find a lot of stories that make you feel that way. I understand that in your position you feel it's the OW/OM that has low character. I don't feel I have to justify myself to you because I know I'm a good person, although I admit I have made a mistake that has caused pain. But it wasn't just me, the MM was a more than willing participant. We are all on our own journeys here, and I hope you find a way to move forward just like I'm trying to do.

[lostgirl87]

Um Rebel, please pay NO MIND to CM71. He is clearly taking out his anger and hurt on you. Ridiculous.

 

CM71- maybe stay away from the OM/OW part of this site. I understand you are hurting and I am sorry. But focus on yourself and your healing. Coming over here to judge us and berate us will not solve anything. I wish you well.

[CM71]

Trust me, I blame my wife more than him. I hate to judge but I've lived with devastation that this causes, both as a teenager and a husband. I hope you find peace.

[Rebelnoir]

I'm really stressing out today. He'll be back in the office tomorrow and I don't know how I going to handle it. A big part of me never wants to see him again, but the reality is I have to. A small part of me wants to see him because I love him. I can already feel the old feelings of loving and wanting him resurfacing, and I just don't know how I'm going to hold it together. I feel like I'm going to spend the whole of tomorrow and maybe every day afterwards trying to stop myself from reaching out. Which sucks as I've been in an ok place the last three weeks. I know the long term solution is to move jobs, and I'm working on that. But that isn't an instant fix and in the meantime I just don't know what to do.

[Jemima1234]

Have you heard from him since he went away on holiday? Has he def decided to stay with his wife? Sending you love X

[Rebelnoir]

Have you heard from him since he went away on holiday? Has he def decided to stay with his wife? Sending you love X

 

Thank you. No I haven't heard from him. Which makes me think he's definitely decided that's what he wants (or he was waiting for her to decide and she had). I know he said they were going to decide after the holiday but in my mind you don't go away for two weeks unless you've already really decided. I haven't wanted to let myself have any hope he won't make that decision, if that makes sense.

[Jemima1234]

Thank you. No I haven't heard from him. Which makes me think he's definitely decided that's what he wants (or he was waiting for her to decide and she had). I know he said they were going to decide after the holiday but in my mind you don't go away for two weeks unless you've already really decided. I haven't wanted to let myself have any hope he won't make that decision, if that makes sense.

 

Yeah that makes complete sense. And as you have now got through 2 weeks NC you have come so far already - stay strong and keep NC up! Coming from me who hasn't managed that yet!!!!

[Rebelnoir]

So we've spoken today. He is going back. He wants his old life back. Although 'in any other circumstance he would be with me'. They did have sex while they were away, you were all right. But apparently it wasn't as good as me and him. He doesn't love her but he wants his daughter. They're going to have counselling and try and make it work. But he wants us to be friends, he told me I look good etc etc. It's all more of the same, him wanting me to be there because it feels good for him I guess. The problem is I'm tempted. I'm so tempted to just slip into being friends because a part of me wants him to change his mind. I know that's stupid but I do.

[Jammydodger7]

Hi Rebel, I've just read your post. Your story is so similar to mine and so many other OW.

 

The point is that you can move on from this. We all can. I'm 4 days into LC. I work with MM so NC is impossible right now. We can do this!

 

Know that he will come back at some point. Be prepared for how you will deal with that. Take every day as it comes. Reward yourself for no contact. And fall in love with yourself, because everyday with no contact, you become a little bit stronger. I'm sorry you got the news from him that you did today. I know how devastating it is. But please do be aware - he will come back if you don't set some clear boundaries for yourself. Love yourself more then him. He does not deserve you. Don't let his words dictate your feelings anymore. Look at his actions instead.

 

Stay strong x

[jenkins95]

So we've spoken today. He is going back. He wants his old life back. Although 'in any other circumstance he would be with me'. They did have sex while they were away, you were all right. But apparently it wasn't as good as me and him. He doesn't love her but he wants his daughter. They're going to have counselling and try and make it work. But he wants us to be friends, he told me I look good etc etc. It's all more of the same, him wanting me to be there because it feels good for him I guess. The problem is I'm tempted. I'm so tempted to just slip into being friends because a part of me wants him to change his mind. I know that's stupid but I do.

 

Hang in there (Rebel). I know you must be floored by this news even though you are being really brave.

 

It sounds like your chat was civil and fairly respectful (although his wife would probably disagree!). This is much better than it all ending in shouting and anger. This allows you to draw a line under it without it ending under a truly dark cloud of fury and anger - that's not to undermine your own personal dark cloud of course.

 

I would advise strongly against remaining friends. It's very hard to do when you have such a depth of feelings for someone and it also undermines his reconciliation back home (I'm sure his wife would not approve of it). You will be free of your pain a lot quicker with him completely out of the picture.

 

Perhaps you could have another equally civil and respectful conversation with him to end things on good terms and wish each other the very best. Then immediate and permanent NC. We will be here for you.

 

Whatever you decide, good luck!

[Jemima1234]

So we've spoken today. He is going back. He wants his old life back. Although 'in any other circumstance he would be with me'. They did have sex while they were away, you were all right. But apparently it wasn't as good as me and him. He doesn't love her but he wants his daughter. They're going to have counselling and try and make it work. But he wants us to be friends, he told me I look good etc etc. It's all more of the same, him wanting me to be there because it feels good for him I guess. The problem is I'm tempted. I'm so tempted to just slip into being friends because a part of me wants him to change his mind. I know that's stupid but I do.

 

Oh I am so sorry for the pain you must be feeling right now. It sounds like he was honest with you tho! I guess you asked straight out about sex? How often etc? Reality here is it may not be the same as you and him but if he can have sex with her and stay with her it cant be all bad. The holiday was it - make or break- he has chosen to stay regardless of the reasons. Horrible as that is for you to hear I know. My MM is stayin in his situation- have tried the friends thing - it either leads to an affair again or to us arguing because I can't cope with him staying!! Friends is too painful - make the break now please. Here for uou

Edited May 16, 2017 by Jemima1234
Spelling

[BTDT2012]

So we've spoken today. He is going back. He wants his old life back. Although 'in any other circumstance he would be with me'. They did have sex while they were away, you were all right. But apparently it wasn't as good as me and him. He doesn't love her but he wants his daughter. They're going to have counselling and try and make it work. But he wants us to be friends, he told me I look good etc etc. It's all more of the same, him wanting me to be there because it feels good for him I guess. The problem is I'm tempted. I'm so tempted to just slip into being friends because a part of me wants him to change his mind. I know that's stupid but I do.

 

Don't be his friend. He doesn't want to be the bad guy in your eyes. And he wants you to hang around and be his plan B in case his wife decides to end the marriage. And for what its worth, mindblowing sex is not the most important factor in a marriage.

 

I hope you will be strong enough to love yourself enough to cut him out of your life. And be glad that you aren't his wife.

[Birdies]

I'm sorry you're in this position. I can definitely related. In a parallel universe, something similar would have happened with me and my MM, except I'd be the one trying to make my marriage work yet not wanting to give up his "friendship".

 

I know it's hard, because he truly is a deep dear friend to you in addition to the sexual relationship. Neither of you want to cut out that friendship, because having it is better than having nothing at all and to get rid of it would feel masochistic.

 

But what would that accomplish, really? Best case scenario, you stay only friends, but you never have a chance to reduce your love for him and get over him. He stays just out of your grasp but not far enough way to move on with you life, to be happy instead of to feel unrequited love, and to potentially find a real partner.

 

Worst case scenario (and the most likely), you get back on the slippery slope and fall back into the affair. All of this heartache and trauma just gets prolonged and worsened. Eventually it will come to an end somehow or another, but you'll feel worse than you do now, because you'll have been deeper into it. And you'll have wasted more months or years of your life.

 

YOU CAN'T BE FRIENDS. You just can't. Put yourself first. You know what you need to do.

 

PS - Also, Jenkins is right. Any man who can cheat on his wife, have it all come out, have her be willing to reconcile even given the extreme damage he's done to her, and STILL sneak around behind her back being "friends" with the OW is...... well, showing more and more that maybe he's not just a good but weak guy who has made mistakes, but is not a good guy at all.

Edited May 16, 2017 by Birdies

[Rebelnoir]

Hi Rebel, I've just read your post. Your story is so similar to mine and so many other OW.

 

The point is that you can move on from this. We all can. I'm 4 days into LC. I work with MM so NC is impossible right now. We can do this!

 

Know that he will come back at some point. Be prepared for how you will deal with that. Take every day as it comes. Reward yourself for no contact. And fall in love with yourself, because everyday with no contact, you become a little bit stronger. I'm sorry you got the news from him that you did today. I know how devastating it is. But please do be aware - he will come back if you don't set some clear boundaries for yourself. Love yourself more then him. He does not deserve you. Don't let his words dictate your feelings anymore. Look at his actions instead.

 

Stay strong x

 

I'm sorry you're going through this too. I also work with MM so I know how hard it is. Have you though about looking for a new job? I like your attitude. Looking at his actions rather than words is a definite way of helping see the reality of the situation. For example today my MM told me he wants to work on his marriage. He also said:

 

- he misses me a lot

- he thinks about me all the time

- he would love to be with me

- I'm beautiful

- my hair looked nice

- I look good

- I'm perfect

- I did nothing wrong to make him end it

- I called him a penis and he said 'oh we're talking about my penis??'

- sex with his wife isn't as good as with me

- he will never have a relationship like ours

- he hates that he has hurt me

- he would be with me in any other circumstance

- he wants to be friends

- it's hard for him to be around me because of how he feels about me

- got jealous when I mentioned wanting to settle down with somebody and have babies (in the context of me telling him why we can't carry on)

 

The old me would have taken those as a sign there's still hope. Now I know there is still hope that we could resume an affair, but it will always end up like this because of his actions...he has shown me who he really is.

 

You're right about NC/LC making you feel stronger and making you feel more love for yourself. I don't know if self love is an issue that a lot of OW struggle with but it certainly is for me.

 

I hope we get there!

[Rebelnoir]

Hang in there (Rebel). I know you must be floored by this news even though you are being really brave.

 

It sounds like your chat was civil and fairly respectful (although his wife would probably disagree!). This is much better than it all ending in shouting and anger. This allows you to draw a line under it without it ending under a truly dark cloud of fury and anger - that's not to undermine your own personal dark cloud of course.

 

I would advise strongly against remaining friends. It's very hard to do when you have such a depth of feelings for someone and it also undermines his reconciliation back home (I'm sure his wife would not approve of it). You will be free of your pain a lot quicker with him completely out of the picture.

 

Perhaps you could have another equally civil and respectful conversation with him to end things on good terms and wish each other the very best. Then immediate and permanent NC. We will be here for you.

 

Whatever you decide, good luck!

 

I think you're right about friends being a bad idea. I'm not sure how respectful the conversation really was (see my post above...I think he is doing a horrific job of genuinely trying to reconcile if he's saying those things to me).

 

I think until one of us leaves work we are going to be in a tricky position really because as much as I want NC the reality is hard when I'm virtually in the same room 5 days a week. He is off tomorrow so I'm going to take some time to think about what I want. Today I felt like I could be his friend, I didn't feel the same pull towards him that I used to. Seeing him for who he really is has changed things for me I think. But in reality I know it's a slippery slope and I don't trust myself or him fully to not reignite things.

 

It annoys me that he can't even work on his marriage properly...I don't know why. I guess maybe because it's yet another sign that he isn't the man I thought he was, he is just a ****ty guy right now.

[Rebelnoir]

Oh I am so sorry for the pain you must be feeling right now. It sounds like he was honest with you tho! I guess you asked straight out about sex? How often etc? Reality here is it may not be the same as you and him but if he can have sex with her and stay with her it cant be all bad. The holiday was it - make or break- he has chosen to stay regardless of the reasons. Horrible as that is for you to hear I know. My MM is stayin in his situation- have tried the friends thing - it either leads to an affair again or to us arguing because I can't cope with him staying!! Friends is too painful - make the break now please. Here for uou

 

Thank you, it means a lot to know I have people on here that I can talk to!

 

I did ask about the sex, but managed to resist asking how often. I just asked if it was better than with me (masochistic I guess?!) and he said no. You're so right, staying friends is a bad idea, it's just so hard to walk away in a sense because he (and I) are making it so easy not to. But yes the reality is his marriage cannot be that bad if he is staying and having sex with her. We can do this. We deserve better.

[Rebelnoir]

Don't be his friend. He doesn't want to be the bad guy in your eyes. And he wants you to hang around and be his plan B in case his wife decides to end the marriage. And for what its worth, mindblowing sex is not the most important factor in a marriage.

 

I hope you will be strong enough to love yourself enough to cut him out of your life. And be glad that you aren't his wife.

 

Yep I definitely think there is an element of wanting me as a back up. Which is hilarious considering he professes to love me more. I completely agree about sex not being the most important factor in a marriage (and so does he, clearly!). I think it was just an example of how ridiculous he is really...he didn't need to answer my question, it was disrespectful to his wife and his attempt at reconciliation, but he did. And in doing so failed to act in my best interests (by potentially giving me hope) as well as hers. It's all about him right now and making himself feel ok.

 

And yes I'm so glad I'm not his wife. Even now he is not being honest about anything...she doesn't know about his other affairs. She doesn't know the extent of how much he and I saw each other after he went back the first time and she doesn't know the things he is still saying to me now. I have no doubt if he didn't have a child he wouldn't be with her. Maybe she's the same, who knows. But he won't change. His lame attempt at reconciliation without honesty and a genuine attempt to commit to his marriage shows me that.

[Rebelnoir]

I'm sorry you're in this position. I can definitely related. In a parallel universe, something similar would have happened with me and my MM, except I'd be the one trying to make my marriage work yet not wanting to give up his "friendship".

 

I know it's hard, because he truly is a deep dear friend to you in addition to the sexual relationship. Neither of you want to cut out that friendship, because having it is better than having nothing at all and to get rid of it would feel masochistic.

 

But what would that accomplish, really? Best case scenario, you stay only friends, but you never have a chance to reduce your love for him and get over him. He stays just out of your grasp but not far enough way to move on with you life, to be happy instead of to feel unrequited love, and to potentially find a real partner.

 

Worst case scenario (and the most likely), you get back on the slippery slope and fall back into the affair. All of this heartache and trauma just gets prolonged and worsened. Eventually it will come to an end somehow or another, but you'll feel worse than you do now, because you'll have been deeper into it. And you'll have wasted more months or years of your life.

 

YOU CAN'T BE FRIENDS. You just can't. Put yourself first. You know what you need to do.

 

PS - Also, Jenkins is right. Any man who can cheat on his wife, have it all come out, have her be willing to reconcile even given the extreme damage he's done to her, and STILL sneak around behind her back being "friends" with the OW is...... well, showing more and more that maybe he's not just a good but weak guy who has made mistakes, but is not a good guy at all.

 

Everything you've said is spot on. Being friends will not have any positive outcome or impact on my life. In reality we will have at the very least an emotional affair and I will be back to square one in a few months or years.

 

I'm starting to think you're right and he is not a good guy at all. I'm trying to think of the last decent thing he has done. I guess trying to reconcile? And even that he can't do fully.

 

If he wasn't in my life at all this would be so much easier!

[Jammydodger7]

I'm sorry you're going through this too. I also work with MM so I know how hard it is. Have you though about looking for a new job? I like your attitude. Looking at his actions rather than words is a definite way of helping see the reality of the situation. For example today my MM told me he wants to work on his marriage. He also said:

 

- he misses me a lot

- he thinks about me all the time

- he would love to be with me

- I'm beautiful

- my hair looked nice

- I look good

- I'm perfect

- I did nothing wrong to make him end it

- I called him a penis and he said 'oh we're talking about my penis??'

- sex with his wife isn't as good as with me

- he will never have a relationship like ours

- he hates that he has hurt me

- he would be with me in any other circumstance

- he wants to be friends

- it's hard for him to be around me because of how he feels about me

- got jealous when I mentioned wanting to settle down with somebody and have babies (in the context of me telling him why we can't carry on)

 

The old me would have taken those as a sign there's still hope. Now I know there is still hope that we could resume an affair, but it will always end up like this because of his actions...he has shown me who he really is.

 

You're right about NC/LC making you feel stronger and making you feel more love for yourself. I don't know if self love is an issue that a lot of OW struggle with but it certainly is for me.

 

I hope we get there!

 

Oh gosh, reading through that list there are so many similarities. I've only had the hair compliment this week as he still knows I'm angry with him for wasting my time and future faking and generally being a cake eater. But little by little I'm sure I'll see some more of those empty words from your list as he tries to get back into the affair - these men are so predictable it's laughable lol. I've been thinking about hope quite a lot, I still check my phone so frequently, hoping maybe or expecting a message profusely apologising and announcing his divorce, and I don't think we should judge ourselves too harshly for hoping every once in a while. After all, our xmm are bad habits that we have to break, but if you want to move on from this chapter, the hope will fade. You can be strong, you have it in you .

 

I think that a lot of us will struggle with self love or have been in vulnerable places when the affairs started out. I have a suspicion that quite a few of us may have deep seated wounds from childhood...abandonment, trauma, emotional or sexual abuse. I know I did. But if we are open and willing to explore the issues that led us to the affair, we are one step closer to being at peace with our experience. Do you see an IC at all Rebel? If not, it could be a great step towards learning more about yourself and cultivating more self love.

 

I haven't been able to find a new job just yet. I know I could just move and find something if I was running away...but I did that once before (see my back story) and it was a huge mistake career wise. I am actively looking, but I want to make sure my new job excites me, just like any fresh start should do. How about you?

 

If we can stick to NC/LC and in time turn our energies and focus away from our xmm and onto ourselves AND make a wise career move, then we will truly be the ones winning in these situations .

 

One thought I had that I wanted to share with you...last night, I had a burning need to text my xmm. Why? Probably because I'm in love with him and wanted some sort of validation or love back. Deffinately because I'm addicted right now. But instead, I held off. I imagined the child in me, little jammy, she wants love and reassurance. She wants to soothe herself and ease her pain. I imagined that it was my job as a adult jammy to look out for her, and make sure that she didn't hurt herself more by messaging xmm. Instead, adult me, tried to reassure the hurting child inside me. I ran myself a bath. I meditated. I read. I talked kindly to myself. It might sound like an odd idea, but it really helped me last night.

 

Stay strong x