MM left wife, and now me

[Birdies]

Oh hellllll no. Tell him that unless he has a divorce decree in his hand, you're not interested in meeting with him. Don't be his little puppet, the girl he keeps waiting in the wings just in case his main plan falls through! Dig deep and find that self-respect!

[HeCantBreakMe]

It's hard to read between the bull****. It's like he clouds me of any sense of reason. We spoke later in the day again and he asked for a hug that time, which I did, and asked if I'd meet with him tomorrow...because he's going away with his wife so they can decide if they want to be together. So he wants to see me one last time before he doesn't for a while. Apparently they still aren't sure.

 

I'm so conflicted. I want to have meet him, but at the same time my pride is telling me that's ridiculous. When I'm around him though he seems so sincere and broken...and like he genuinely loves me.

 

I know what you mean about fishing, but I genuinely think he wouldn't have spoken to me if I hadn't spoken to him first.

 

Rebel, he is going away with his wife AKA probably having lots of sex to try and make it work.. Don't go to lunch with him. Tell him he needs you out of the picture to figure his life out and you deserve more than a lunch before he goes and bangs his wife for the weekend . You want and deserve more and right now he is in no position to give that to you.

 

Sounds like you need to get away for a girls weekend.

[aileD]

It's hard to read between the bull****. It's like he clouds me of any sense of reason. We spoke later in the day again and he asked for a hug that time, which I did, and asked if I'd meet with him tomorrow...because he's going away with his wife so they can decide if they want to be together. So he wants to see me one last time before he doesn't for a while. Apparently they still aren't sure.

 

I'm so conflicted. I want to have meet him, but at the same time my pride is telling me that's ridiculous. When I'm around him though he seems so sincere and broken...and like he genuinely loves me.

 

I know what you mean about fishing, but I genuinely think he wouldn't have spoken to me if I hadn't spoken to him first.

 

We can help you read thru his bull****:

 

If you go have lunch with him it's going to lead to sex

 

Then he's going to go away with his wife and have sex with her.

 

Couples don't "go away" on little trips to decide if they want to be together. They plan romantic trips to help get the spark back. There will be tons of sex on this trip. Believe me, I had the same reconciliation trip.

 

Read thru the bull****.

 

He's manipulating you. Listen it's ok to love him. Just refuse to know him unless he's got the divorce signed AND has his own apartment (both, not either/or)

 

He can say all these nice things but if he's not divorced then it's all just lip service to keep you around.

 

And if he really can't live without you, you stopping talking to him will speed up his incentive to get divorced.

[aileD]

I know what you mean about fishing, but I genuinely think he wouldn't have spoken to me if I hadn't spoken to him first.

 

Ummmmmmm. Ok so he wouldn't have spoken to you.

 

Doesn't that tell you something?

 

And just because you made contact first doesn't mean he isn't fishing. You just let him know you're game to be on his hook whenever he puts it in the water.

[Rebelnoir]

If you have lunch with him after being firm in your decision, the man just learns that you'll put up with being his side piece. He has no incentive to really make a decision during this trip of his. I'd put all your cards on the table. Tell him how you feel, that being an OW is not acceptable and cannot continue, that you hope he decides to be with you, but that you'll be maintaining NC until he provides solid proof of his divorce. Knowing he can't actually have his cake too is the only way he'll ever make a decision about you.

 

But be forewarned, most MM don't choose the cake. Wife = stability, comfort, home. OW = risk, taking a leap of faith, possibly ending up alone.

 

Yeah I don't want to end up as a side piece. Could I meet him tomorrow and tell him all of that?! Honestly, I know if his wife wants him back he will go back. I can't see what will change that. So I pretty much think after this two weeks he will move home. Like you said, choosing me is too big of a risk.

[Rebelnoir]

Oh hellllll no. Tell him that unless he has a divorce decree in his hand, you're not interested in meeting with him. Don't be his little puppet, the girl he keeps waiting in the wings just in case his main plan falls through! Dig deep and find that self-respect!

 

This whole thing is teaching me I need more self respect. Not sure why I'm even contemplating seeing him tomorrow!

[Rebelnoir]

Rebel, he is going away with his wife AKA probably having lots of sex to try and make it work.. Don't go to lunch with him. Tell him he needs you out of the picture to figure his life out and you deserve more than a lunch before he goes and bangs his wife for the weekend . You want and deserve more and right now he is in no position to give that to you.

 

Sounds like you need to get away for a girls weekend.

 

They're taking their child and he said they have separate rooms and there won't be any sex...am I an idiot for believing that?

[Rebelnoir]

We can help you read thru his bull****:

 

If you go have lunch with him it's going to lead to sex

 

Then he's going to go away with his wife and have sex with her.

 

Couples don't "go away" on little trips to decide if they want to be together. They plan romantic trips to help get the spark back. There will be tons of sex on this trip. Believe me, I had the same reconciliation trip.

 

Read thru the bull****.

 

He's manipulating you. Listen it's ok to love him. Just refuse to know him unless he's got the divorce signed AND has his own apartment (both, not either/or)

 

He can say all these nice things but if he's not divorced then it's all just lip service to keep you around.

 

And if he really can't live without you, you stopping talking to him will speed up his incentive to get divorced.

 

I think lunch will probably lead to something...kissing perhaps. I was surprised he hugged me. But then he slept with me and that didn't change anything.

 

He said he won't be having sex with her, they have separate rooms and the baby will be there etc.

 

You're right though, nothing has changed. He's offered to have lunch and he's going away for a few weeks with his wife. What's lunch in comparison to that?

 

I hate myself for wanting to see him. I hate myself for talking to him. For telling him how much I love him. For telling him I'd still be with him, and for letting him touch me. But I really want to see him.

[Rebelnoir]

Ummmmmmm. Ok so he wouldn't have spoken to you.

 

Doesn't that tell you something?

 

And just because you made contact first doesn't mean he isn't fishing. You just let him know you're game to be on his hook whenever he puts it in the water.

 

Yeah I guess it does. He said he was glad I had, he hated how things have been etc

 

I think I know that the inevitable will happen. I just really don't want it to!

[Rebelnoir]

Breaking NC was a stupid thing to do...as everybody said I've gone backwards.

 

The worst part is he's pretty much told me he will probably go back. And I stood there and said I still love him. I feel so stupid and pathetic right now.

[aileD]

Rebel. Immediately make plans for the time he's free tomorrow. Not with him. With someone else.

 

If you work with him, work thru lunch. You can't meet him. You will solidify your position as side piece if you do. (In your words).

 

Yes you are foolish to believe the separate rooms nonsense.

 

Have you talked to his wife yet? If you really want to end things, call his wife and tell her he's trying to have lunch with you tomorrow. Hell give me her # and I'll do it.

 

You won't hear from him again.

 

You deserve more than this. Don't be weak!!!!!!!! You aren't a weak person!!!!

 

Stop settling for scraps. If he's gonna leave his wife let him do it without your involvement. If you are so sure he really loves you then you shouldn't be afraid of giving him the space to do that. But I think pure scared and hurt because you KNOW that if you give him the space, he won't ever contact you again.

 

Does that sound like love?

 

Hon, he can love you, it's not impossible. He just doesn't love you ENOUGH.

 

You are worth more than that.

 

Make a lunch date with someone ELSE and leave your phone at home

[HeCantBreakMe]

Rebel, you are not stupid, you shouldn't hate yourself, you fell in love. It wasn't someone available or someone you should have fallen in love with but you did and you are there now. The thing you need to remember is that you cannot trust yourself right now. He may love you (and i believe he does) but the facts are, right now, he cannot give you what you need and want. So you need to do the opposite of EVERYTHING your heart wants. If your heart tells you to talk to him, don't, if it tells you to meet with him don't. Eventually you will start gaining some space and clarity but right now the pain your heart is feeling being away from him is making all the decisions.

 

Listen to everything Allie says she has been on the other side. She knows what reconciliation looks like, she has seen a remorseful husband. Listen to her she is trying to help you and will tell you exactly what they are doing and experiencing. Nothing you can say will change what he is going to do so save your dignity and don't say anything at all. Take care of you sweetie because he is not going to.

 

If you want ANY Chance at all with this man then you need to move on with your life and do you. He will find you if he wants something real.

[Rebelnoir]

Rebel. Immediately make plans for the time he's free tomorrow. Not with him. With someone else.

 

If you work with him, work thru lunch. You can't meet him. You will solidify your position as side piece if you do. (In your words).

 

Yes you are foolish to believe the separate rooms nonsense.

 

Have you talked to his wife yet? If you really want to end things, call his wife and tell her he's trying to have lunch with you tomorrow. Hell give me her # and I'll do it.

 

You won't hear from him again.

 

You deserve more than this. Don't be weak!!!!!!!! You aren't a weak person!!!!

 

Stop settling for scraps. If he's gonna leave his wife let him do it without your involvement. If you are so sure he really loves you then you shouldn't be afraid of giving him the space to do that. But I think pure scared and hurt because you KNOW that if you give him the space, he won't ever contact you again.

 

Does that sound like love?

 

Hon, he can love you, it's not impossible. He just doesn't love you ENOUGH.

 

You are worth more than that.

 

Make a lunch date with someone ELSE and leave your phone at home

 

I know deep down you're right. The thing is he decided to end it with me while I was still in his life. So I know meeting him won't make a difference. And you're right that I know deep down he will stay with his wife even if he does love me, I fully expect that to be the outcome of this holiday. I mean you don't go away for two weeks unless you're sure you want to be around each other.

 

It's just so hard because being around him today it felt like normal. And to hear him say the same old stuff, he doesn't love her, he misses me etc gave me some hope. That's probably the last thing I needed right now.

 

I deleted his wife's number so I can't contact her. Part of me wishes I hadn't done that.

[Rebelnoir]

Rebel, you are not stupid, you shouldn't hate yourself, you fell in love. It wasn't someone available or someone you should have fallen in love with but you did and you are there now. The thing you need to remember is that you cannot trust yourself right now. He may love you (and i believe he does) but the facts are, right now, he cannot give you what you need and want. So you need to do the opposite of EVERYTHING your heart wants. If your heart tells you to talk to him, don't, if it tells you to meet with him don't. Eventually you will start gaining some space and clarity but right now the pain your heart is feeling being away from him is making all the decisions.

 

Listen to everything Allie says she has been on the other side. She knows what reconciliation looks like, she has seen a remorseful husband. Listen to her she is trying to help you and will tell you exactly what they are doing and experiencing. Nothing you can say will change what he is going to do so save your dignity and don't say anything at all. Take care of you sweetie because he is not going to.

 

If you want ANY Chance at all with this man then you need to move on with your life and do you. He will find you if he wants something real.

 

I definitely can't trust myself. I spoke to him today and it's made everything worse.

 

I think I'm just finding it hard to accept that he really is trying to reconcile because he's telling me he isn't. That this holiday is to decide, he still isn't sure what he wants etc. So part of me thinks if I can just get him to remember why he wanted me then he'll make a different decision.

 

I thought I was doing ok and now I've ruined it all.

[somanymistakes]

They're taking their child and he said they have separate rooms and there won't be any sex...am I an idiot for believing that?

 

IMO if they're going away to try and make things work, sex is absolutely an option. It doesn't mean they definitely will have lots of sex - she may not be willing or interested. But if he wasn't intending to TRY to romance her again I don't think they'd be going off on a trip together. I'd be more trusting of him if he'd admitted it than feeding you the line that there definitely won't be any...

[Rebelnoir]

IMO if they're going away to try and make things work, sex is absolutely an option. It doesn't mean they definitely will have lots of sex - she may not be willing or interested. But if he wasn't intending to TRY to romance her again I don't think they'd be going off on a trip together. I'd be more trusting of him if he'd admitted it than feeding you the line that there definitely won't be any...

 

That sucks to hear. I guess it doesn't matter either way if they are going to have sex. The bottom line is he has agreed to the holiday (something he hadn't agreed to after he went back the first time) and the purpose of the holiday is to decide what they want. Despite him saying he isn't sure he is trying to make it work. That's what I have to remind myself of.

[aileD]

Rebel. All that stuff doesn't matter.

 

He's married. She's the wife. Not you.

 

There is no "pick me" dance because he already picked her. It doesn't matter if the stuff he tells you is the lies or truth. All that matters is what his actions are in regards to who he lays his head down next to each night.

 

It's not you.

 

You're torturing yourself hanging onto scraps of....nothing. Scraps everyone else can see through. Scraps that don't matter unless he's actually divorced.

 

How can you get him out of your life? Do you work together? Can you talk to HR and ask to be reassigned away from him (or vice Vera)

[BTDT2012]

Yeah I don't want to end up as a side piece. Could I meet him tomorrow and tell him all of that?! Honestly, I know if his wife wants him back he will go back. I can't see what will change that. So I pretty much think after this two weeks he will move home. Like you said, choosing me is too big of a risk.

 

Don't meet him. Does his wife know about the two of you?

[elaine567]

They're taking their child and he said they have separate rooms and there won't be any sex...am I an idiot for believing that?

 

Er... yes...

 

Grown up people who are married and reconciling do not go on 2 week holidays and not have sex.

As aileD said there will be lots and lots of sex.

Its called Hysterical Bonding.

 

He is chancing his luck here with you.

He knows you are desperate and so he knows he can take advantage of the situation. He knows he can snap his fingers and lure you back into bed again...

[HeCantBreakMe]

Rebel. All that stuff doesn't matter.

 

He's married. She's the wife. Not you.

 

There is no "pick me" dance because he already picked her. It doesn't matter if the stuff he tells you is the lies or truth. All that matters is what his actions are in regards to who he lays his head down next to each night.

 

It's not you.

 

You're torturing yourself hanging onto scraps of....nothing. Scraps everyone else can see through. Scraps that don't matter unless he's actually divorced.

 

How can you get him out of your life? Do you work together? Can you talk to HR and ask to be reassigned away from him (or vice Vera)

 

This sucks to hear but it is so true. Rebel, we understand your pain we are living it or have lived it but at some point you have to accept the facts and that is this *He is married to someone else and chances are he will stay that way*.

 

You are lucky you are not married. You can pick yourself up put your dancing shoes on and enjoy life dusting this little bit of dirt off your shoulder. You have a whole new world in front of you. I really hope you choose to live it rather than hold on to the past.

[Rebelnoir]

Rebel. All that stuff doesn't matter.

 

He's married. She's the wife. Not you.

 

There is no "pick me" dance because he already picked her. It doesn't matter if the stuff he tells you is the lies or truth. All that matters is what his actions are in regards to who he lays his head down next to each night.

 

It's not you.

 

You're torturing yourself hanging onto scraps of....nothing. Scraps everyone else can see through. Scraps that don't matter unless he's actually divorced.

 

How can you get him out of your life? Do you work together? Can you talk to HR and ask to be reassigned away from him (or vice Vera)

 

Yeah. I think deep down I know this lunch is bull****. It means nothing, he's left me and that's all I need to know. It's just so tempting when he's standing there telling me about how he misses me, how we were better than he will ever be with his wife, and if it wasn't for his child and seeing her everyday he would be with me. He is so convincing. He cried.

 

He hasn't moved back into their house, although he is staying there a few nights a week.

 

We do work together. Unfortunately it's a small office and there isn't anyway we could not be around each other. I've started looking for new jobs, he said he is too. I know when he will be back from his holiday, so I'm going to book leave from that day. It at least will give me a month away from him at the very least.

[Rebelnoir]

Don't meet him. Does his wife know about the two of you?

 

Yes, there have been two Ddays. She knew he was seeing me when he moved out in February, he told her a couple of weeks ago that he'd ended it. I don't think she knows we have spoken since. She definitely doesn't know that we've slept together since then.

[Rebelnoir]

Er... yes...

 

Grown up people who are married and reconciling do not go on 2 week holidays and not have sex.

As aileD said there will be lots and lots of sex.

Its called Hysterical Bonding.

 

He is chancing his luck here with you.

He knows you are desperate and so he knows he can take advantage of the situation. He knows he can snap his fingers and lure you back into bed again...

 

I know you're right. It happened after the first Dday, I know that for a fact.

 

I guess if he was the one reaching out I'd see that. But because I'm being the idiot and reaching out to him I manage to convince myself that isn't the case.

[Rebelnoir]

This sucks to hear but it is so true. Rebel, we understand your pain we are living it or have lived it but at some point you have to accept the facts and that is this *He is married to someone else and chances are he will stay that way*.

 

You are lucky you are not married. You can pick yourself up put your dancing shoes on and enjoy life dusting this little bit of dirt off your shoulder. You have a whole new world in front of you. I really hope you choose to live it rather than hold on to the past.

 

It's a hard thing to accept. He is so good at making sure what he says is ambiguous enough to give me a little bit of hope. It's always 'I don't know what I want' 'she doesn't know what she wants' 'I know we won't be happy together'. Then he tells me how much he loves me and misses me, so despite my best intentions I can't help but think maybe this time he will actually leave her.

 

But I also know I'm fooling myself. It's such a weird feeling having two sides of yourself so conflicted.

 

And yes you're right, I can and I will move on from this. Hopefully it will be a distant memory in the not too far future.

[Jemima1234]

That sucks to hear. I guess it doesn't matter either way if they are going to have sex. The bottom line is he has agreed to the holiday (something he hadn't agreed to after he went back the first time) and the purpose of the holiday is to decide what they want. Despite him saying he isn't sure he is trying to make it work. That's what I have to remind myself of.

 

Oh I really feel your pain right now. I know how conflicted I would be. But this back and forward, future faking etc is just horrible- be strong. Tell him that he is going away with his wife and only to contact you again if he is finally moving on with you!!!! The time he is on holiday will be painful- be prepared but we are here