MM left wife, and now me

[Rebelnoir]

Oh I really feel your pain right now. I know how conflicted I would be. But this back and forward, future faking etc is just horrible- be strong. Tell him that he is going away with his wife and only to contact you again if he is finally moving on with you!!!! The time he is on holiday will be painful- be prepared but we are here

 

Thank you. I have a feeling I will need everyone here over the next two weeks. He said if he knew I was going away with another man he would be devestated. Which is ridiculous really, isn't it!

 

I definitely will be telling him that. The hard part is sticking to it and not reaching out myself.

 

In a way this whole thing has given me yet another insight into how low he really is. He's trying to reconcile (whether he admits it or not...I mean a holiday?!) and is still trying to spend time with me.

[BTDT2012]

Yes, there have been two Ddays. She knew he was seeing me when he moved out in February, he told her a couple of weeks ago that he'd ended it. I don't think she knows we have spoken since. She definitely doesn't know that we've slept together since then.

 

Don't allow this man to use you. The only way you will end up with him is if his wife decides she has had enough. He won't have worked on his issues, and even if you get him, he will still be broken, and you will find yourself in hs wife's current position. All he has to offer you is heartache.

[Starswillshine]

Question, have you ever told the wife anything?

 

If you guys have had sex since she says he stopped talking to you and you guys have been in contact since he was supposed to be in NC.... be careful he isn't just playing nice so you won't get pissed at him and contact his wife and further muddle up everything.

[ice3784]

Same as me, he must have been a pretty good liar. I with him every single day and still the wife thought he was staying on his own now.

[Rebelnoir]

Thank you for all the support. Unfortunately I was an idiot and went for lunch with him. He kissed me. He told me he wants to be with me and if circumstances were different he would be. He still hasn't decided what he wants but the holiday is a way of finding that out, and he probably will get back with her because he feels like it's the right thing to do. He asked if we could carry on being friends, I said no. He said part of him thinks he's made a mistake and he wants to be with me but then he also wants his daughter everyday. Lunch was cut short as his wife called and said she was coming home early as she had a migraine, so he had to leave.not sure what else to say other than I'm stupid

[Birdies]

I know this isn't what you're asking advice on - but you should tell his wife. It's not fair that he's the only one who gets to make the decision whether or not to stay together based on all the information. For many betrayed spouses, it's the continued lying and trickle-truthing that is worse than the actual affair. The fact that he's still seeing you might be enough for her to want to throw in the towel. She deserves to get to make that choice, too.

 

And it might be the only way he becomes available for you, if you want to look at it that way. But mainly, it's the right thing to do.

[Eight]

Thank you for all the support. Unfortunately I was an idiot and went for lunch with him. He kissed me. He told me he wants to be with me and if circumstances were different he would be. He still hasn't decided what he wants but the holiday is a way of finding that out, and he probably will get back with her because he feels like it's the right thing to do. He asked if we could carry on being friends, I said no. He said part of him thinks he's made a mistake and he wants to be with me but then he also wants his daughter everyday. Lunch was cut short as his wife called and said she was coming home early as she had a migraine, so he had to leave.not sure what else to say other than I'm stupid

 

First, I know how you feel and it's not a good place to be. I understand. I really do. This example here is so similar to mine and a thousand others.

 

However, from an outside perspective now that I have some distance on my affair; this man is not worth anymore of your time. He is saying the same crap mine did. "If circumstances were different, blah, blah.." Is that supposed to make you feel happy? YOU make your own circumstances buddy. He just wants it all. And he doesn't want to have to make a decision so he'll drag you along and tell you crap like this...as if you are star-crossed lovers.

 

The only person he loves is HIMSELF. Who treats someone they love like this? It's weak and selfish and not attractive when you are looking at the situation from the outside. Which is where you need to get to. OUTSIDE.

 

Now, I know you know this. Intellectually.

 

Unfortunately, it's an addiction that's hard to break, but not impossible. It will take time and NC as much as possible. I don't see how you can stay at the same office and get through this. That would make it nearly impossible for me, anyway.

 

It's a process and often feels like one step forward, two steps back. But I can see myself getting stronger each day and how destructive that time in my life was. How I needlessly stayed in a destructive place. You will too. Just give yourself time and NC. Love yourself more than you love him.

[FoundMyStrength]

Thank you for all the support. Unfortunately I was an idiot and went for lunch with him. He kissed me. He told me he wants to be with me and if circumstances were different he would be. He still hasn't decided what he wants but the holiday is a way of finding that out, and he probably will get back with her because he feels like it's the right thing to do. He asked if we could carry on being friends, I said no. He said part of him thinks he's made a mistake and he wants to be with me but then he also wants his daughter everyday. Lunch was cut short as his wife called and said she was coming home early as she had a migraine, so he had to leave.not sure what else to say other than I'm stupid

 

You're not stupid. You're in love and in an impossible situation. Two steps forward, one back. Now you move forward again.

 

The "do what's right" thing is a red flag though. To me that sounds like he has a rigid idea of what he should do regardless of what's best or right for him. My xMM had that too. I took it to mean he would never leave, never divorce. I think people who have that mentality find it impossible to do the deep soul searching work that would be involved in actually making a choice that hurts someone (feels "wrong") but ultimately might be best for their well being and future happiness.

[Jemima1234]

Thank you for all the support. Unfortunately I was an idiot and went for lunch with him. He kissed me. He told me he wants to be with me and if circumstances were different he would be. He still hasn't decided what he wants but the holiday is a way of finding that out, and he probably will get back with her because he feels like it's the right thing to do. He asked if we could carry on being friends, I said no. He said part of him thinks he's made a mistake and he wants to be with me but then he also wants his daughter everyday. Lunch was cut short as his wife called and said she was coming home early as she had a migraine, so he had to leave.not sure what else to say other than I'm stupid

 

You aren't stupid. You are in love and addicted and struggling but please now see this and hear this. He left you again because his wife needed him- stop accepting second place in his life. Work on you and heal. I say this knowing how hard that is but try.

 

You said you knew he been physical after last d-day? With his wife? Hysterical bonding? That's not a marriage ending

[BTDT2012]

Thank you for all the support. Unfortunately I was an idiot and went for lunch with him. He kissed me. He told me he wants to be with me and if circumstances were different he would be. He still hasn't decided what he wants but the holiday is a way of finding that out, and he probably will get back with her because he feels like it's the right thing to do. He asked if we could carry on being friends, I said no. He said part of him thinks he's made a mistake and he wants to be with me but then he also wants his daughter everyday. Lunch was cut short as his wife called and said she was coming home early as she had a migraine, so he had to leave.not sure what else to say other than I'm stupid

 

What he has demonstrated to you once again is that his wife comes first. You love you first.

[FoundMyStrength]

What he has demonstrated to you once again is that his wife comes first. You love you first.

 

Yep this too. As a lot of people say on this forum, you need to pay attention to his actions not his words. A man can say he loves you til the cows come home. Means nothing if he's not willing to prioritize you like he just did his wife and her migraine.

[Rebelnoir]

Question, have you ever told the wife anything?

 

If you guys have had sex since she says he stopped talking to you and you guys have been in contact since he was supposed to be in NC.... be careful he isn't just playing nice so you won't get pissed at him and contact his wife and further muddle up everything.

 

I haven't. I deleted her number when he ended it to avoid the temptation of telling her. There's a chance you're right I guess. But he didn't play nice with the break up...he said lots of horrible stuff. He's since justified it all by saying he was just trying to push me away...!

[Rebelnoir]

I know this isn't what you're asking advice on - but you should tell his wife. It's not fair that he's the only one who gets to make the decision whether or not to stay together based on all the information. For many betrayed spouses, it's the continued lying and trickle-truthing that is worse than the actual affair. The fact that he's still seeing you might be enough for her to want to throw in the towel. She deserves to get to make that choice, too.

 

And it might be the only way he becomes available for you, if you want to look at it that way. But mainly, it's the right thing to do.

 

I completely agree. She has a right to make decisions based on reality, not the version of truth he presents. I talked about this with him today. There's so much she doesn't know; the other two women he's slept with, the fact we continued to see each other after the first Dday (she thinks it was just once after that), the fact we've seen each other since he broke up, the fact he kissed me today...

 

He doesn't want her to know as he says it will just hurt her, and he believes she doesn't want to know. From what he's said he has hinted at it and she said she doesn't want to know. He says she likes to bury her head in the sand. I don't know whether what he says about her is true. I think he won't tell her as it would probably be the end, which he doesn't want.

 

In terms of me contacting her, I don't have her number. I don't think she will believe me. I also don't want him to hate me, as stupid as that sounds. If I contact her then he will have a reason to hate me and it'll make it easier for him to get over me. That's crazy logic I know.

 

I'm conflicted over this. Part of me thinks she will dismiss it as me being bitter. I deleted my messages with him when he ended it, so I don't really have any proof. So she will probably believe whatever lies he tells her

[Rebelnoir]

First, I know how you feel and it's not a good place to be. I understand. I really do. This example here is so similar to mine and a thousand others.

 

However, from an outside perspective now that I have some distance on my affair; this man is not worth anymore of your time. He is saying the same crap mine did. "If circumstances were different, blah, blah.." Is that supposed to make you feel happy? YOU make your own circumstances buddy. He just wants it all. And he doesn't want to have to make a decision so he'll drag you along and tell you crap like this...as if you are star-crossed lovers.

 

The only person he loves is HIMSELF. Who treats someone they love like this? It's weak and selfish and not attractive when you are looking at the situation from the outside. Which is where you need to get to. OUTSIDE.

 

Now, I know you know this. Intellectually.

 

Unfortunately, it's an addiction that's hard to break, but not impossible. It will take time and NC as much as possible. I don't see how you can stay at the same office and get through this. That would make it nearly impossible for me, anyway.

 

It's a process and often feels like one step forward, two steps back. But I can see myself getting stronger each day and how destructive that time in my life was. How I needlessly stayed in a destructive place. You will too. Just give yourself time and NC. Love yourself more than you love him.

 

So much of what you've said rings true. Intellectually I know what I need to do, I've seen him for what he is. It's just breaking the addiction.

 

I am looking for new jobs and I'll leave when the right one comes along. In truth I think it'll be hard to move on properly until that happens.

 

It's funny because despite seeing all of the stories on here I thought he was different. Genuinely conflicted and trying to do the right thing. But in reality he's kissing me, asking if we can be friends, days after booking this holiday. He's a mess. And everyone was right when they said he's trying to line me up to continue the affair.

 

Funnily enough I told him today that he makes the circumstances! Everything that he is feeling is a direct result of decisions he has made. And they're all based on making him feel good! He has no consideration for me, or his wife really.

 

Sometimes I wish we could detach emotionally, because if any of my friends were in my shoes I'd be screaming telling them to run!

[Rebelnoir]

Don't allow this man to use you. The only way you will end up with him is if his wife decides she has had enough. He won't have worked on his issues, and even if you get him, he will still be broken, and you will find yourself in hs wife's current position. All he has to offer you is heartache.

 

Yep I really do believe the only way he will leave now is if she ends it. I don't think she will. A two week holiday isn't indicative of somebody that wants to end it. I just thought he was better than using me. Silly, I know!

[Rebelnoir]

You're not stupid. You're in love and in an impossible situation. Two steps forward, one back. Now you move forward again.

 

The "do what's right" thing is a red flag though. To me that sounds like he has a rigid idea of what he should do regardless of what's best or right for him. My xMM had that too. I took it to mean he would never leave, never divorce. I think people who have that mentality find it impossible to do the deep soul searching work that would be involved in actually making a choice that hurts someone (feels "wrong") but ultimately might be best for their well being and future happiness.

 

This is spot on. He knows he hasn't been happy in his marriage for a long time. If he was he wouldn't have done what he's done. But he can't make a choice either way really. He's not fully committing to work on a reconciliation and he's not fully committing to be with me. He avoids thinking about things on anything other than a superficial level, so he's never took the time to think about what would serve him best. And as long as he thinks doing the right thin is staying with his wife (which he always will for so many reasons) he will never be strong enough, or willing, to do otherwise

[Rebelnoir]

You aren't stupid. You are in love and addicted and struggling but please now see this and hear this. He left you again because his wife needed him- stop accepting second place in his life. Work on you and heal. I say this knowing how hard that is but try.

 

You said you knew he been physical after last d-day? With his wife? Hysterical bonding? That's not a marriage ending

 

Sorry after the first D-Day. When he went back that time they did have sex. After this D Day in February he says it hasn't happened. Who knows what the truth is. Ultimately I guess it doesn't matter, they're married, they're supposed to have sex.

 

I am going to keep trying. I will not let him drag me back in. After each D Day our relationship got even more secretive. If I go back now it will be reduced to the odd lunch time or day off together. Which is not enough. wgen I was NC I was ok, and I know I can get back there.

[Rebelnoir]

What he has demonstrated to you once again is that his wife comes first. You love you first.

 

Yeah he has. He said he couldn't deal with the stress of his wife getting home and him not being there. It'd be an awful start to their holiday if she suspected he had been with me I guess. I really am done. It was different when he wanted to be with me (or said it). Now he's saying otherwise I don't want to get in the way of them fixing their marriage. That's not who I am. I just wish he would do what he says and work on that instead of trying to keep me there too.

[Rebelnoir]

Yep this too. As a lot of people say on this forum, you need to pay attention to his actions not his words. A man can say he loves you til the cows come home. Means nothing if he's not willing to prioritize you like he just did his wife and her migraine.

 

Agreed. This is one of the first times this has happened in a while and it hurt. I think I'm going to write a list of the stuff he tells me and then list all of the actions that demonstrate otherwise. Thank you!

[Jemima1234]

You are really thinking this all through and that's a good thing. I like the way you are working this through. Will pm you. But keep strong. It's painful but you can do it

[Starswillshine]

Sorry after the first D-Day. When he went back that time they did have sex. After this D Day in February he says it hasn't happened. Who knows what the truth is. Ultimately I guess it doesn't matter, they're married, they're supposed to have sex.

 

I am going to keep trying. I will not let him drag me back in. After each D Day our relationship got even more secretive. If I go back now it will be reduced to the odd lunch time or day off together. Which is not enough. wgen I was NC I was ok, and I know I can get back there.

 

So there is what he says. And it is possible he is telling you the truth. That they didn't have sex. But he may be leaving out... that it is because she doesn't want to have sex with him. After knowing my husband had had sex with another woman, i felt violated. The thought of sex with him is disgusting. (I had 2 ddays... first, we did hysterical bonding, 2nd... didn't want anything to do with sex. Even though he tried like hell.

 

Who knows what fully is going on in their home. We went on a weekend away as well. It wasn't to see if it could be saved. It was to get away from all distractions and have some real heart to heart talks.

[Rebelnoir]

So there is what he says. And it is possible he is telling you the truth. That they didn't have sex. But he may be leaving out... that it is because she doesn't want to have sex with him. After knowing my husband had had sex with another woman, i felt violated. The thought of sex with him is disgusting. (I had 2 ddays... first, we did hysterical bonding, 2nd... didn't want anything to do with sex. Even though he tried like hell.

 

Who knows what fully is going on in their home. We went on a weekend away as well. It wasn't to see if it could be saved. It was to get away from all distractions and have some real heart to heart talks.

 

When we talked about the holiday he said it was to have a break (he needs one from me as I confuse him, and work) and so they can talk and spend time as a family. After the first D day he promised her a holiday and he avoided it as he was seeing me and planning to leave. So they have apparently decided to go away so they have at least one holiday as a family. But during this time they will be seeing if there is anything worth saving and if they want to be together. He says they are both not sure it's what he wants.

 

Ultimately it doesn't matter. He accepted the holiday is a step away from us. He is, in whatever way, trying to reconcile and I guess I have to respect that. I do love him and I quite often think that if being with his child is what he needs and will make him happy then that's what he has to do.

 

It's just very hard to let go of something that feels like a compulsion. And to let go of somebody I feel so connected to in every way. He says he's also struggling with that. But I guess I will never know if that's the case or he just wants to have his cake and eat it.

 

My plan is to have two weeks of NC while he is away and then book some time off work myself for when he comes back, so we have a month of NC and not seeing each other. Hopefully that will be enough time for me to get my head together and for him to fully commit to R with his wife. He already told me when he will be back at work, and that we will talk then. But there is no point. I don't want to be the OW any more. Not when he is saying he probably won't leave. I could do it when he was sure about us, but not anymore.

[Starswillshine]

Probably the best thing you can do. I know it is hard. I am having a hard time making a final decision myself. I understand the conflicted heart.

 

I don't remember how long you have invested in this relationship, but think of it this way, he has shown you what he is capable of (cheating on his wife and his child) So believe him that he IS a cheater. Now imagine sharing a home, finances, and maybe potential children.... more years. That isn't to say a person can't change but when they show you who they are when there is minimum invested except time... RUN! I don't believe in soul mates. And certainly your soul mate wouldn't be married to some one else. There is another man who won't put you in such conflicting feelings and make you devalue yourself.

 

Head up. Stay strong. You got this.

[Rebelnoir]

You are really thinking this all through and that's a good thing. I like the way you are working this through. Will pm you. But keep strong. It's painful but you can do it

 

 

Thank you. It's frustrating though because I want to listen to my rational side all the time, and I just can't seem to. I don't know how to see my PM's! How do I access them?

[Rebelnoir]

Probably the best thing you can do. I know it is hard. I am having a hard time making a final decision myself. I understand the conflicted heart.

 

I don't remember how long you have invested in this relationship, but think of it this way, he has shown you what he is capable of (cheating on his wife and his child) So believe him that he IS a cheater. Now imagine sharing a home, finances, and maybe potential children.... more years. That isn't to say a person can't change but when they show you who they are when there is minimum invested except time... RUN! I don't believe in soul mates. And certainly your soul mate wouldn't be married to some one else. There is another man who won't put you in such conflicting feelings and make you devalue yourself.

 

Head up. Stay strong. You got this.

 

 

It's been nearly a year, but because we were friends before it seems longer. Yeah he's definitely showing me who he is. I lost so much respect for him today as it was no longer him cheating because I'm the one, but him cheating because he's a cheat. If that makes any sense?

 

I hope you manage to reach the right decision for you. I think in my situation the only decision is NC or a full blown he's-never-leaving-affair. I know what have to pick.