MM left wife, and now me

[Rebelnoir]

You are in same thought as me. You will be at some times, ok with the situation, but at some times, you will have a sudden urge of anger, why he can played you like that. You will try to comfort yourself and tell yourself that its fine, and he is right to do that, as the children are important, and put yourself 2nd or 3rd. Slowly, you will give up on him, as you will always have the question, who does he really love ? Who are you to him ? Moreover, when he was with her and the children..you will see yourself as an outsider, as a stranger....

 

Yes you're right I am going between being ok, to being angry to feeling sad. It's really difficult isn't it? Today I'm sad and I want to reach out and tell him I miss him. But I also have this feeling that if I can get through these feelings I know I'll be okay.

 

I'm trying not to focus on who he loves. It's really hard because I believe he loved me. The posts here have made me question that, but honestly to an extent it's almost futile. I feel as if the relationship is done. I need to walk away for my own sanity, so ultimately does it matter if he loved me? I would prefer that he did, because it means it wasn't all fake, that I didn't go down this path for no reason that I haven't ruined lives for a guy who just wanted one thing. But really the outcome is the same either way; I need to do what is best for me.

 

Of course it's easy to say all of this. I can imagine at first NC feels empowering, and that won't last. I expect it will get harder, I will waiver, but for now that's how I'm feeling.

[Rebelnoir]

I think its time you take a break from dating and concentrate on getting to know what you will tolerate and not tolerate in a relationship. Once you put yourself first and concentrate on YOU then and only then will you know what it means to really feel love. Once you know how to love you will receive it, genuinely, openly and honestly.

 

It is nothing wrong in being single and discovering yourself. There's nothing wrong loving yourself. Once you learn to love yourself, you will attract a man that will love you and not play games with you.

 

I wish you the best because you deserve it.

 

I completely agree. Before MM I had been single for two years, and I genuinely thought I'd got to a good place after the end of my long term relationship, which had its own issues. The fact that I've ended up here tells me that wasn't the case. I was very happy in my life, but maybe hadn't addressed some of my issues when it comes to dating and love. As well as issues regarding self esteem and self love. This is a big wake up call and I need to make changes. I don't want these relationships repeated again and again.

 

You're very right about learning to put myself first. It's something I struggle with. Thank you.

Edited April 20, 2017 by Rebelnoir

[elaine567]

I have always found it easier to get over break ups when I convince myself that there was a good reason to break up and "it will never work" is a very good reason and something you need to concentrate on.

 

I know it is very easy to get into the "I will always love you" mindset and wallowing in that for a while is what we tend to do.

However, whilst I can see that it is somewhat appropriate thinking in some situations, men who died, men who perhaps deserve our undying love, it is NOT however worth pining away over a man who simply can not leave his wife and a man who has dumped you.

 

Affairs are just relationships and whilst there seems to be a misconception that affairs are somehow special and "forever" (as long as they are not found out), they can just end in exactly the same way other relationships do. People fall out of "love", people get bored, people become unhappy, people want to see other people... etc. etc.

 

He has pulled the plug here and you need to be very grateful, as this was heading nowhere.

 

You can chose to think of this as a great love story, that you are star crossed lovers, that this ending is a great tragedy, but this actually had more of the hallmarks of a farce or a comedy than a tragedy.

 

The married man scurrying across the stage with his trousers down scuttling from one bedroom to another, vainly trying to keep both women happy, whilst making up more and more fanciful stories to fool both women...

[freengreen]

I actually had the perception that women were brave when it comes to mental ability. I still think it is true, we can take on hard fights for people we love.

 

But I have been seeing women ( including myself) to take on wrong battles mostly for wrong people. We do it until all our mental strength is dry, self worth gone and left feeling foolish and miserable.

 

There are people who love us and will love us, try their last try not to hurt us, for what we are and who we are.... it will be an honour to fight ( and win) for them.

 

Take care

[Rebelnoir]

I have always found it easier to get over break ups when I convince myself that there was a good reason to break up and "it will never work" is a very good reason and something you need to concentrate on.

 

I know it is very easy to get into the "I will always love you" mindset and wallowing in that for a while is what we tend to do.

However, whilst I can see that it is somewhat appropriate thinking in some situations, men who died, men who perhaps deserve our undying love, it is NOT however worth pining away over a man who simply can not leave his wife and a man who has dumped you.

 

Affairs are just relationships and whilst there seems to be a misconception that affairs are somehow special and "forever" (as long as they are not found out), they can just end in exactly the same way other relationships do. People fall out of "love", people get bored, people become unhappy, people want to see other people... etc. etc.

 

He has pulled the plug here and you need to be very grateful, as this was heading nowhere.

 

You can chose to think of this as a great love story, that you are star crossed lovers, that this ending is a great tragedy, but this actually had more of the hallmarks of a farce or a comedy than a tragedy.

 

The married man scurrying across the stage with his trousers down scuttling from one bedroom to another, vainly trying to keep both women happy, whilst making up more and more fanciful stories to fool both women...

 

This made me laugh, thank you!

 

I think I've been in that exact 'I will always love you' mindset for the last three weeks. I'm not anymore, too much has happened and he definitely is not worth the rest of my life wasted. I will focus on the reasons this wouldn't have worked, and try to be grateful it's done. That's good advice, thank you.

 

You know what you're so right about the misconception affairs are special and forever. I think in my case I felt that way because if he was willing to risk so much, to tell his wife and everyone in his life he loved me, to give up all of that history it must because it was true love. So how could that not work?! The reality, clearly, is very different.

[Rebelnoir]

I actually had the perception that women were brave when it comes to mental ability. I still think it is true, we can take on hard fights for people we love.

 

But I have been seeing women ( including myself) to take on wrong battles mostly for wrong people. We do it until all our mental strength is dry, self worth gone and left feeling foolish and miserable.

 

There are people who love us and will love us, try their last try not to hurt us, for what we are and who we are.... it will be an honour to fight ( and win) for them.

 

Take care

 

So very true. I could fight for me and him when it was what we both wanted and were working towards the same goal. I can't fight for somebody who doesn't want me or us. I've done that since he asked for space, but enough is enough. It would break me, and it is so not worth it.

[Rebelnoir]

I am missing him a lot today. Logically I understand that this was a bad situation and he isn't the man I thought he was. But I think about 'us', the things that were said and the way he was with me and I miss it. I'd like to message him to tell him that. To get some validation it was real I suppose. I'm so glad I don't have his number and I'm not at work. So I'm posting here instead. I have a lovely day planned with family so I'm going to concentrate on that. My life isn't over just because he and I are.

[ice3784]

i know what you are feeling. i feel the same as you. i even went to the breakdown in front of him multiple times when we are doing the talk. i have to push him to talk every single time. and every single time there is no conclusion and i just break down and cried myself. i been through it. you will get stronger.

[Rebelnoir]

i know what you are feeling. i feel the same as you. i even went to the breakdown in front of him multiple times when we are doing the talk. i have to push him to talk every single time. and every single time there is no conclusion and i just break down and cried myself. i been through it. you will get stronger.

 

I think sometimes it feels as if there is no conclusion. I don't know your situation fully but having read your latest post I know there are children and finances involved which makes it understandably more difficult. but that doesn't mean there isn't a conclusion, it just might be one you don't want...like letting go. Believe me, I love my MM and in an ideal world I would be with him. But I'm not. He's ended it and at some point we need to start accepting that. I know I won't accept it while I'm still involved emotionally or otherwise, so I need to take action and put an end to it. I hope you find a conclusion that works for you.

[Rebelnoir]

I miss him. Or rather I'm thinking about him. Today we ended up in shops and a restaurant I've been too with him. I've also just had a text from a friend at work and I had to stop myself from asking if he was in and how he seems. I know this is what I need, and it's been nice the last two days not having to wonder if he'll get in touch and what he'll say.

[freengreen]

These are stages, you have be determined to pass every stage of it to get out of this mess. Any time you give in, the struggles becomes harder the next time, only taking you close to impossible.

 

Embrace his absence. Do anything which keeps you busy and force yourself not to think about him. You already gave him the power he didnt deserve, take it back.

[Rebelnoir]

These are stages, you have be determined to pass every stage of it to get out of this mess. Any time you give in, the struggles becomes harder the next time, only taking you close to impossible.

 

Embrace his absence. Do anything which keeps you busy and force yourself not to think about him. You already gave him the power he didnt deserve, take it back.

 

I do feel determined. In the past when I've reached out its almost because it hurt too much and having some kind of contact with him (however draining and unproductive) meant I didn't have to face the reality of the situation. I won't do that this time, I need to think of the bigger picture. Tonight I'm going to put all of the gifts, presents and his clothes etc away somewhere so I don't have reminders of him. Maybe I'll throw it out.

[Rebelnoir]

You know what else frustrates me? He tried to say that he wanted to be with me and loved me but our relationship had changed, and that's part of what made him unsure. Of course it changed! He told me wanted space, started lying and then ended it. How could things be the same when that was going on?! Idiot.

 

Glad I saw this now. Imagine if his feelings had changed when we were much, much deeper into this.

 

Sorry, I'm ranting. This is the kind of stuff I would tell him when I got angry, so I guess it just helps getting it out here.

Edited April 20, 2017 by Rebelnoir

[whichwayisup]

You know what else frustrates me? He tried to say that he wanted to be with me and loved me but our relationship had changed, and that's part of what made him unsure. Of course it changed! He told me wanted space, started lying and then ended it. How could things be the same when that was going on?! Idiot.

 

Glad I saw this now. Imagine if his feelings had changed when we were much, much deeper into this.

 

Sorry, I'm ranting. This is the kind of stuff I would tell him when I got angry, so I guess it just helps getting it out here.

 

Because it wasn't an affair anymore, the dynamic changed and got real.

 

Be angry and do vent it out. Either here or write notes to him but NEVER send them to him. If you do send anything to him all that does is give him power over you. Him losing you means he gets NOTHING from you. No contact, not knowing anything about your life anymore. Period! If you feel like you're going to cave, log on here and reach out.

[elaine567]

I am not saying this has anything to do with your particular psyche, it may do or it may not but it is a great positive read if you haven't already read it today.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/621723-midnight-reading

[freengreen]

You know what else frustrates me? He tried to say that he wanted to be with me and loved me but our relationship had changed, and that's part of what made him unsure. Of course it changed! He told me wanted space, started lying and then ended it. How could things be the same when that was going on?! Idiot.

 

Glad I saw this now. Imagine if his feelings had changed when we were much, much deeper into this.

 

Sorry, I'm ranting. This is the kind of stuff I would tell him when I got angry, so I guess it just helps getting it out here.

Rant it out!...

 

Glad you are starting to see the light!.. dont lose that abilty you earned

[Rebelnoir]

Because it wasn't an affair anymore, the dynamic changed and got real.

 

Be angry and do vent it out. Either here or write notes to him but NEVER send them to him. If you do send anything to him all that does is give him power over you. Him losing you means he gets NOTHING from you. No contact, not knowing anything about your life anymore. Period! If you feel like you're going to cave, log on here and reach out.

 

Yep good plan, whatever I'm going to say to him I'll post on here instead. He doesn't deserve to know I'm thinking about him.

[Rebelnoir]

I am not saying this has anything to do with your particular psyche, it may do or it may not but it is a great positive read if you haven't already read it today.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/621723-midnight-reading

 

Thank you I'll have a read later ?

[ice3784]

Are you still with him ?

Have you successfully leave him ?

I'm in the dilemma of either stay or leaving him.

I know i need to leave him.

But my heart wants to stay.

I just want to read some success story of people successfully leaving affair.

I wanted to know, is it really Freedom, the feeling is it really that great, as now all I'm feeling is pain while wanted to decide to leave...

[Rebelnoir]

Are you still with him ?

Have you successfully leave him ?

I'm in the dilemma of either stay or leaving him.

I know i need to leave him.

But my heart wants to stay.

I just want to read some success story of people successfully leaving affair.

I wanted to know, is it really Freedom, the feeling is it really that great, as now all I'm feeling is pain while wanted to decide to leave...

 

No we aren't together. We haven't spoken in 6 days and I managed a day in the office with him yesterday with no reaching out.

 

I won't lie it's really hard not having him in my life. I love him and I miss him all the time. But I'm also getting perspective on the whole situation. About him. And I know this is the best thing.

 

Think of it this way my MM and your married man have left their wives. Despite that, they are not 100% committed to being with us. What's stopping them? Nothing! There is nothing preventing the relationship they promised, so they can't want it that badly. So what are you gaining by staying with him especially when you know the relationship is dying?

 

Since its ended I was a mess as we were still talking and sleeping together. Now I've gone NC I feel better. It's hard, painful and I'm sad but at least I'm not worrying about him anymore, just myself. And doing this for myself feels like the right thing.

 

I can't tell you what to do, you have to make that decision for yourself. But you really need to think about you and what's going to help you the most, after all isn't that what he is doing?

[Rebelnoir]

Today I'm feeling sorry for MM. I want him to have a good relationship with his child, I don't want him to miss out. Therefore I want him to 100% commit to his marriage and try and make it work, because of the life he will give his family.

 

Basically it's like an emotional roller coaster.

[Rebelnoir]

I broke NC...I'm an idiot.

 

We had a fairly brief chat. He said he is probably going to try and make it work with his wife, because he can't be away from his child. He said that he's been looking at me through other people's social media and generally noticing in the office that I seem ok. I told him I haven't been but he's made his choice so what else can I do. He said he misses me, has found it hard not talking to me or seeing me.

 

I'm not sure what I expected to feel. I was sad but I feel ok. Mainly I just think he's making a mistake. But that's his decision really. Not sure what else to say.

[aileD]

Don't beat yourself up.

 

But please recognize that he's fishing again:

. "I'm working it out with my wife but just want you to know that I look you up online and you look fine without me so please reassure me you aren't so I know I can keep you in my back pocket because I'm only working things out for the kids which means I'll need a new OW soon and it'll be easier to go back to you that to find someone new and groom them. "

 

Read between the bullshiiit

 

But it's good to know that you spoke and nothing changed so what's the use in speaking again?

[Rebelnoir]

Don't beat yourself up.

 

But please recognize that he's fishing again:

. "I'm working it out with my wife but just want you to know that I look you up online and you look fine without me so please reassure me you aren't so I know I can keep you in my back pocket because I'm only working things out for the kids which means I'll need a new OW soon and it'll be easier to go back to you that to find someone new and groom them. "

 

Read between the bullshiiit

 

But it's good to know that you spoke and nothing changed so what's the use in speaking again?

 

It's hard to read between the bull****. It's like he clouds me of any sense of reason. We spoke later in the day again and he asked for a hug that time, which I did, and asked if I'd meet with him tomorrow...because he's going away with his wife so they can decide if they want to be together. So he wants to see me one last time before he doesn't for a while. Apparently they still aren't sure.

 

I'm so conflicted. I want to have meet him, but at the same time my pride is telling me that's ridiculous. When I'm around him though he seems so sincere and broken...and like he genuinely loves me.

 

I know what you mean about fishing, but I genuinely think he wouldn't have spoken to me if I hadn't spoken to him first.

Edited April 26, 2017 by Rebelnoir

[FoundMyStrength]

If you have lunch with him after being firm in your decision, the man just learns that you'll put up with being his side piece. He has no incentive to really make a decision during this trip of his. I'd put all your cards on the table. Tell him how you feel, that being an OW is not acceptable and cannot continue, that you hope he decides to be with you, but that you'll be maintaining NC until he provides solid proof of his divorce. Knowing he can't actually have his cake too is the only way he'll ever make a decision about you.

 

But be forewarned, most MM don't choose the cake. Wife = stability, comfort, home. OW = risk, taking a leap of faith, possibly ending up alone.