Eight Posted June 12, 2017 Share Posted June 12, 2017 I guess I've come to a place where I don't want to be with him, not really. I don't want to be responsible for the end of their marriage in this way. It's one thing for a guy to leave because that's what he wants and it's quite another to attempt to convince him to leave (just to be clear, I'm not doing that). I just don't know how to let him go, because I do love him and he loves me. It's like the rational part of my brain has it figured out and then all of a sudden my heart takes over when I see him or speak to him. Has anyone got any advice? And this is the part where you have to put your head in charge. Sure, your heart will still feel/love/want and that's fine. However, it's clear that you need to overrride those feelings and use your head to save yourself. It will take a lot of time. A. lot. But just keep doing the next right thing and you will get there eventually. Your choice is clear. Continued pain/same old thing or the beginning of choosing something different for yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted June 12, 2017 Share Posted June 12, 2017 So I've been a bit quite the last few weeks. MM is back from his holiday and we've quickly gotten into a routine of hanging out at work, a few lunches, phone calls and messages. He has tried to kiss me a few times and we have discussed resuming the physical side of the affair. However, I haven't responded to his advances and I've made it clear that I don't think sleeping together is the right thing to do given he is trying to R. It's just hard, when I see him I still love him and I want him to change his mind and decide that he wants me. He's still saying it's because of his daughter and I believe that, but I can also see the relief he has in getting his life back. We've discussed this a bit and he says he knows he would've had a better life with me but it was too hard. It's just bizarre that he wants the life he claimed he was so unhappy in. That he's suddenly decided he can't be away from his child and, mostly, that he seems happy to have me on the side without any thought for what it would do to his marriage if she found out yet again. He says just enough to keep me there...he can't leave yet, maybe one day, he doesn't know what he wants, he loves me and wants me, I confuse him etc etc I guess I've come to a place where I don't want to be with him, not really. I don't want to be responsible for the end of their marriage in this way. It's one thing for a guy to leave because that's what he wants and it's quite another to attempt to convince him to leave (just to be clear, I'm not doing that). I just don't know how to let him go, because I do love him and he loves me. It's like the rational part of my brain has it figured out and then all of a sudden my heart takes over when I see him or speak to him. Has anyone got any advice? The person that you should love most is you. This isn't good for you. On the path that you are currently taking, it is only a matter of time before you are back sleeping with him. The affair is still ongoing, whether or not you are sleeping with him. You deserve more than this. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
jenkins95 Posted June 12, 2017 Share Posted June 12, 2017 Hi (((Rebel))) Nice to see you back posting again! A few comments on your update: - He's still saying it's because of his daughter and I believe that, but I can also see the relief he has in getting his life back. Yes, to me this says that he probably did the right thing in trying to R. I felt this relief myself. If he'd been with you, he may crave this relief and end up resenting you for it. I've made it clear that I don't think sleeping together is the right thing to do given he is trying to R. and that he seems happy to have me on the side without any thought for what it would do to his marriage if she found out yet again. You are absolutely right. This is the ultimate insult to his wife, his daughter and you. He has tried to kiss me a few times and we have discussed resuming the physical side of the affair Again. See my above comment! Please resist Rebel. Don't put yourself through that hell again. He says just enough to keep me there...he can't leave yet, maybe one day, he doesn't know what he wants, he loves me and wants me, I confuse him etc etc. He's swallowed the cheater handbook here. Very standard stuff I'm afraid. He's really playing with your emotions here (even if not deliberately). I've no doubt he is very conflicted, but his actions are hurting everyone. Once a decision is made, one has to give 100% to it, which he clearly is not doing. He is being very weak and hurting you more. If you saw that he was 100% committed to his marriage, it would make you sad in one way, but in another way it would leave you in no doubt that it is over and you would be able to give all your efforts to recovery. As it is, he is keeping you dangling with confusion and false hope, to say nothing of what he is doing to his family. It's just hard, when I see him I still love him and I want him to change his mind and decide that he wants me. and It's like the rational part of my brain has it figured out and then all of a sudden my heart takes over when I see him or speak to him. Has anyone got any advice? Yes, most of us who have been in affairs will relate to this. Generally it is better to use head over heart thinking in life in general, and especially in affairs where children are involved. But it is so darn hard sometimes, especially when you are in love. But he has made his choices and this is his mess. You have been very strong - try to keep your resolve. I guess I've come to a place where I don't want to be with him, not really. That's wonderful Rebel. Please, please, please do not get hooked back in and undo all your amazing hard work. It's tough being in an office with him. Ideally one of you should leave. But if that is not possible, the absolute minimum of civil, but not personal, contact is a must. Welcome back Rebel. Keep posting. Sorry that, mainly due to his weakness, your head must still be all over the place. Very encouraging that you said that you've come to a place where I don't want to be with him. Keep being strong and try not to get tangled up in his mess any more. We are here! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Jemima1234 Posted June 12, 2017 Share Posted June 12, 2017 Hi rebel it's good to hear from you again. I sent you a pm last week hope you got it. He sounds like he is mixed up completely- he obviously wants you still but he ust going to leave. How is reconciliation going with his wife? Are they going on dates? Intimate? Do you have contact when he at home? I know the head heart thing too well- thinking of you. At end day you know what you should do- but it is hard!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jenkins95 Posted June 12, 2017 Share Posted June 12, 2017 Hi rebel it's good to hear from you again. I sent you a pm last week hope you got it. He sounds like he is mixed up completely- he obviously wants you still but he ust going to leave. How is reconciliation going with his wife? Are they going on dates? Intimate? Do you have contact when he at home? I know the head heart thing too well- thinking of you. At end day you know what you should do- but it is hard!! Hi Jem! Whatever he is doing with his wife, this must surely be considered false R. After all, I'm quite sure that his wife would be devasted to know that he came stright back from his holiday and tried to kiss Rebel, restart the affair and declare his love for her again. He's clearly a weak man and he is hurting everyone with this behaviour. He has revealed weaknesses and serious character flaws here. I'm not being very judgemental, because I displayed many of these myself and behaved disgracefully in having an A. But when I decided on R, I went for it 100%. Rebel's MM clearly still wants to have his cake and eat it too. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Jemima1234 Posted June 12, 2017 Share Posted June 12, 2017 Hi Jem! Whatever he is doing with his wife, this must surely be considered false R. After all, I'm quite sure that his wife would be devasted to know that he came stright back from his holiday and tried to kiss Rebel, restart the affair and declare his love for her again. He's clearly a weak man and he is hurting everyone with this behaviour. He has revealed weakness and serious character flaws here. I'm not being judgemental, because I displayed many of these myself and behaved disgracefully inhaving an A, but when I decided on R, I went for it 100%. Rebel's MM clearly still wants his cake and eat it. Absolutely I completely agree. It's false reconciliation! It seems to happen a lot from what I read on this forum. Jenkins - I have the hugest respect for all you say- you are a true inspiration on this forum and your contributions are so helpful. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
jenkins95 Posted June 12, 2017 Share Posted June 12, 2017 Absolutely I completely agree. It's false reconciliation! It seems to happen a lot from what I read on this forum. Jenkins - I have the hugest respect for all you say- you are a true inspiration on this forum and your contributions are so helpful. Jem, thank you so much for those lovely words - you made me blush! I'm so glad if my posts are useful to some members (even if they annoy many others ) Thank you too for the lovely, sensitive, supportive nature of your posts and your wisdom. I hope are keeping well these days? Sorry for the mini t/j!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Jemima1234 Posted June 12, 2017 Share Posted June 12, 2017 Jem, thank you so much for those lovely words - you made me blush! I'm so glad if my posts are useful to some members (even if they annoy many others ) Thank you too for the lovely, sensitive, supportive nature of your posts and your wisdom. I hope are keeping well these days? Sorry for the mini t/j!!! Aw thank you- in real life away from this stupid affair I am pretty sensitive and supportive - that's why it annoys me so much that I have managed to royally mess up things so much!! Ps I am UK based too! Thread jack over sorry Rebel Link to post Share on other sites
Chica80 Posted June 12, 2017 Share Posted June 12, 2017 . That he's suddenly decided he can't be away from his child and, mostly, that he seems happy to have me on the side without any thought for what it would do to his marriage if she found out yet again. He says just enough to keep me there...he can't leave yet, maybe one day, he doesn't know what he wants, he loves me and wants me, I confuse him etc etc* He's not confused at all! He knows exactly what he wants. To keep his M and resume the physical side of your A. One thing I did learn from AP....men will often tell you the truth simple, it's we women who read into things and make it something it's not. You are confused, you are in love and you are the one sacrificing and lowering your standards to accommodate him....don't let his words trick you. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
jenkins95 Posted June 12, 2017 Share Posted June 12, 2017 (edited) He's not confused at all! He knows exactly what he wants. To keep his M and resume the physical side of your A. One thing I did learn from AP....men will often tell you the truth simple, it's we women who read into things and make it something it's not. You are confused, you are in love and you are the one sacrificing and lowering your standards to accommodate him....don't let his words trick you. Good shout sunshine. Reading your post makes it seem actually quite simple. And Rebel saying this illuminates this fact: - "He has tried to kiss me a few times and we have discussed resuming the physical side of the affair" Yes, I bet he was keen to talk about the physical side! I know what MM are like when they haven't been with their OW for a while - they get very frustrated and horny (hanging my head in shame here, by the way!). He's probably so full of hormones that he can't think straight. No wonder you "confuse him" really! Keeping his family sweet, but wth lots of sex with you on the side - that would suit him just fine. But the psychological damage it would do to you (and his poor W) could be immeasurable. Keep strong Rebel, you are doing great. Edited June 12, 2017 by jenkins95 5 Link to post Share on other sites
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